Hello, this speaker has been recorded at a meeting of Addictive Eaters Anonymous. For more information, visit our website www.aeainfo.org I'm Jill and I'm an addictive eater. Just thinking today, I absolutely know it's a privilege to speak, it's a privilege to be a member of this fellowship. It's a privilege to be alive, it's a privilege to be asked. And, you know, hopefully when we share our stories that will help someone else. But it hasn't stopped me being really nervous
all week. I actually woke up in the middle of the night last night, and I was doing my talk at the meeting. And having spent a whole week just being anxious I was so disappointed when I woke up and realized I'd have to do it all over again, wasn't the real thing. And I thought that is self centeredness of this disease. You know, and I know that that will get better one day. But it is... It is an absolute pleasure to be here. And you know, you always hope that your story might help
someone else. So I was thinking this week about our meeting last Monday. And people were talking about gratitude, and somebody was sharing about how they didn't think they were ever grateful when they were eating before they came into the program. And I was trying to think about whether I ever was grateful, because I was a pretty sour person. And I thought, you know, and I find this, there's a lot of things about me that I
think are really weird. And this is one I thought the one thing I was always grateful for was that when I get out of this hellhole of my life, right now, life is going to be better next time. So you know, when I was at school, life was going to be wonderful. When I left home, when I left my parents, when I went leave this terrible town I was living in, and I left home and things didn't get any better. And I knew that it was going to be wonderful when I went overseas.
So you know, I toddled off, as you do, to the other side of the world, and life never got better. And I think, you know, what a sad way to live, thinking about how life is always going to be better somewhere else. And I don't live like that today. And I feel very grateful and, you know, I was just thinking about the whole thing of altered attitudes and how my attitudes
have changed. And, you know, I've often shared that when I first came to this program, that was, you know, and I saw the steps, and I knew I needed to be here. But there wasn't anything in this program that I thought was a good idea. You know, I'd be, I was a long term atheist, I certainly didn't want a God in my life, I was horrified when I saw the word God, absolutely horrified by it. You know, I certainly didn't want to hand my life over to to God or anyone
else. I didn't want to take my inventory because the world had dealt me a bad deal all my life. And it was always all everybody else's fault. You know, I certainly didn't want to make amends to people. And probably above all, I didn't want to help anyone else ever. I thought that was what we people who didn't have a life did, they ran around helping other people. And you know, that's another thing. I look back on those attitudes. And I just think that was a
really sad way to live. And you know, I lived like that for years and years and years. And I'm always grateful for one thing above every one, everything else is that I didn't have a better idea. I knew the answer was here. And certainly when I first came to the program, it was in AA and I was in a state of desperation. But when I came to AEA, I wanted what you have what you had, but I wasn't desperate. And I knew I
wasn't desperate. My sponsor often used to talk about how this programe is for people who are desperate. And I knew I wasn't but I didn't have a better idea. Somehow. I knew that the answer was here. And I feel so grateful today that I kept coming and it took me a lot of years in this program to surrender with relation to the food. I don't know, if I've surrendered every everything else, you know, I'd like to think I have completely surrendered my will. But I think
that is not the case. But I always after I came into this program, I always had this little idea in the back of my mind that my case was different in that I could do things that other people couldn't do. And it took me a lot of years of eating on this program and lying about it. Until I did get to that point where I didn't have any answers anymore. I was just completely emotionally bankrupt, I suppose I didn't, I don't I don't think I saw it like that
at the time. But I certainly knew that I just had no answers. I just couldn't do it anymore spent years lying, hiding, getting afraid of being sprung, always looking around the supermarket in case somebody saw me buying something that wouldn't be on my foodplan, but above all, I always reserved that right to make my own decisions at the end of the day, and, for a lot of that time, I think I was probably eating on a food plan for a lot of that time. But, to me, I was never
off the food. Even if I was eating on a food plan for years, I was never off the food, because I always reserve the right to do what I wanted to do. And that's what I was like my entire life as a kid! So the family rules didn't apply to me, certainly the drinking laws didn't apply to me, nothing applied to me, you know, I was always different, I could do what I wanted. And it was actually a relief. I don't know if it was a relief. But certainly, it felt like the end
of a battle. To get to that point of thinking, I can't do this anymore. After years of fighting the food, just to give up, I just couldn't do it anymore. And that was when the the desire to eat was taken away. I never thought that would happen. And I didn't know what was going to happen. When I'd finally told somebody about what I was doing with food, and probably up till that point, I was always bargaining I was forever bargaining with God. In my head, I was a real Wheeler
Dealer. And all I was wheeling and dealing about was, if I do this, will you give me that. And it's probably the first time in my life, that there was none of that I just didn't know what to do. And I wasn't scheming about what I was gonna do next. And that desire to eat, it was taken
away. And it's never come back since and if I ever had doubts about a God obout a higher power, the fact that I could go from years and years and years of having that obsession to eat, of having that reservation that in my case was different that I could do for a want, when I wanted to that sort of thinking just being taken away, if I had any doubts about whether there was a higher power, the fact that I could go from one attitude to the other one, more or less, probably in a split
second, I was gonna say overnight but it just disappeared. And that was an absolute miracle to me, and that, that continues to be an absolute miracle to me. And so many of my attitudes have had to change. There was a lot wrong with me more than the food. And I always knew there was a lot wrong with me more than the food. I didn't know that there was a connection between the food and everything else that was wrong with me. But I knew that there was something very
wrong with me. And all the stuff that was wrong with me has, since I think it's all been fixed, it hasn't all been fixed. All the stuff that was wrong with me that miserable person that I was who was just full of resentment and jealousy, occasionally shame and guilt but more blame blame for other people. All those all that negative way that I lived has changed. And I was just thinking about how it says in the promises, we will intuitively know how to handle situations
that used to baffle us. That wasn't the one I was thinking of, that was one of the others but we will intuitively know yeah, yeah, that and other ones are the promises too. They just happen with time. When I first came into the program, I remember I used to think about how I'm going to work on a particular defect today. And I can remember older members laughing and saying, well go for it, but you'll probably find that God's got his
own ideas on that score. And it was very much how it was, I discovered that I, I was so earnest, I don't think there was anything wrong with that sort of earnestness in deciding what I was going to do today to work on the defects. There's nothing wrong with it, I think the attitudes were fine. But it's not how my life turned out. I sort of found that with time, I have discovered what lots of people have been saying to me for years that all I actually have to do is do the next thing
in front of me today. And however, it works out is God's will. And that was too easy for me for a long time, I think I've just... I probably wanted to suffer, I wanted to show how earnestly I was working. And those sorts of things have just become so much more relaxed, everything about life has become so much more relaxed. I love just getting up in the morning. And getting on with it, whatever the day has, you know, my life is full of all sorts of activities, some of them useful
for others. Some of them just routine activities, but I'm not the big book says we've ceased fighting anyone or anything. And I was always fighting everything. Right from when I was a little kid, I was fighting the food, I was fighting the family I was fighting the kids at the school. And when I came in here, I think I was still sort of gripped by that need to fight everything. And just gradually with time so many of my well, all my attitudes have
changed. All my attitudes have changed just through being here through trying to work this program. Through listening to you people, every meeting, I come to something I know seeps into my head. And that will come up later, you know, we often share about the thing of taking the trolley back to the supermarket or just saying hello to somebody the simple the simple courtesies of life of just getting on with the other people. And I had no idea how to
do that. And I've learned so much just through sitting in meetings, and hearing other people share on a daily basis, how their lives have changed how they live their lives today. I thought life was about deep philosophical questions. It's about just being a decent human being on a day to day basis. And I love being able to do that most of the time. Occasionally I have a blip. But no, it's just being an ordinary human being. I always used to feel as though I stuck out, I always felt
different. I always felt as though I didn't belong. And I don't know if I particularly feel as though I belong anywhere terribly much now. But I certainly don't feel this I don't belong. I don't feel as though I'm not part of. And none of these things are what I came here for, you know, I came here initially because I wanted to be thin. And I came here later on because I couldn't stand the obsession. And I had no idea of the peace of mind that was available in life, I'd never had
peace of mind. And I remember the first meeting, I came to this group. And the biggest thing I remember from that meeting was how people seemed peaceful, they just seemed calm, and I was just this agitated mess the whole time. And so my life has changed in many, many
ways. I learned that it's got very little to do with the food and a lot to do with just learning to be a decent human being through trying to work these steps and through God doing for me what I could not do for myself, so I'm very - it's about time I think! - so I'm really, really grateful to be here and to be part of this fellowship and to have the opportunity to listen to everyone else's wisdom.