Hi, this speaker has been recorded at a meeting of Addictive Eaters Anonymous. For more information, visit our website www.aeainfo.org Thank you, I'm Esther I'm an addictive eater. Yes, it's really nice to know who I am today and what I am. And, you know, just yeah, just to feel like, I've got Somewhere I Belong, you know, and that's here. Yeah, I guess, for me that that feeling I was different around food started pretty early. And I can definitely remember at about
seven. And, you know, it was just getting this little thing inside me that I was like an itch I couldn't scratch, you know, until I ate something and it would, it was just the thought would come in. And when it wouldn't leave me alone until I helped myself to whatever it was I'd been thinking about. And then, you know, it was always only going to be one but it
never was. And so I would often get caught, you know, and asked, 'Did you eat this?' You know, I always said no. And, you know, even when I knew that my mother knew that it was me but, you know, couldn't be honest. So. So yeah, so dishonesty for me was a very big thing. And my mom actually gave me I can't remember how old I was maybe about 10. Or around that age, a little figurine. And it was Pinocchio. You know, because that's, that was my reputation in the family (laughter). You
know, so. And yeah, that was all I couldn't be honest because I was terrified of, you know, what she'd say, and my mom... The funny thing was that if you were honest, you didn't get in trouble. But I couldn't, couldn't do it. So yeah, that just that fear, dishonesty, and the eating, just, you know, was a pattern in my life, all the
way through. And I, for you know, during my childhood, I never I don't think I ever thought once about my weight, or my size, or anything, but when I was about 15, I saw a photo of myself and I was shocked at what I looked like. Because I had put on weight by then, and had no
idea until I saw this photo. And then, you know, I started to just try in little ways to find ways to not eat so much and you know, in the beginning, it was pretty harmless, you know it might be I'd come home from netball practice, and I wouldn't be very hungry, so wouldn't have a full dinner or something like that. But, you know, just quickly, you know, that just started a whole 'nother trick, I found that it was much easier for me not to start eating than it was to start eating and then
stop. Or actually, I couldn't do that, you know, so. So that that was the only way I knew how to control my eating. And that just became the extremes became more extreme, you know, so the not-eating became more extreme and the eating became more extreme. And then when I finally did kind of realize there was something really wrong. I was just this one day and my mind was going over and over and over and over again about you know, what can I eat? How can I lose
weight? And that was just like the this huge battle going on in my mind. And that's when I first picked up the phone and and
tried to get help. And yeah when I got to the meeting in Wellington where I'm from there were only a few people there so it's you know, hasn't it's the same now, but the people that were there had a message that I could, I don't know that I don't didn't know what the message really was, but I could feel that they they weren't doing what I was doing anymore, and they talked about it and I
believed them. And I didn't ever consider leaving those meetings, I kept going but but I absolutely could not be honest, and particularly about the exercise that I still felt I needed to do. So that was that actually was seven years of coming to meetings, you know, trying to do the things I thought I saw other people doing here. And in the meantime, having a secret life really just of, you know, going up as many stairs as I could and having to
walk to work every day. And if I didn't, you know I was actually sick. And I couldn't go, or you know, if I, for whatever reason, I would feel very anxious. And you and I never talked about it with my sponsor. And after yeah, after that, seven years, everything kind of fell apart. In I just think that was me hitting my rock bottom, physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, I think those are all the, all the aspects of it. I was very
puzzled. And then one day, someone who had been in recovery for many years, came to Wellington and shared her story. And I woke up in the middle of the night, and I thought, I haven't got what she's got. And I thought it's the exercise, you know, and it's the first time I'd actually been honest with myself, the next day, I spoke to someone in the fellowship about it, and and was honest with them, and then, you know, I
still couldn't stop. And that was the scariest thing, you know, I would, it would be like the person beating their head on the bar, you know, I just find myself doing it. And yeah I didn't, I didn't know what to do. And just this one day, I just got down on my knees. And I don't know where it came from, but I just asked for one day sober off everything. And I knew, I just knew I couldn't do it. I just didn't, I didn't really know what I was asking. I just thought, you know, I can't
do this. And that was when things changed, you know, began to change. In that, one day at a time, I was able to not pick up the first one but I still wanted to. So it was hard. It was hard. I don't know how long that went on for but it was for a couple of years. That was very painful. And you know, and just, yeah, I was full of fear. But. Something had changed. And I was able to, you know, you know, follow this program in a way I never had
been able to before. Yeah, and and just, it's funny, because when I go back to Wellington, to actually at the end of the month, I'm starting a new job. And the job was with someone that I used to work for. So I'll be working for this man, who I, worked for years ago, and at that time, when I started working for him, I was I had been kept on at that workplace, basically out of kindness, because that was when things were so bad. I wasn't actually there very often, to be honest.
You know, I wasn't there very often before he started in that job. And I had a very lovely manager, who, you know, just was so kind to me. And then she left and this new man started. And I walked into his office the first time I met him, and he, you know, and no one tells you this, but he's he was born blind. So you know, here's my manager who was blind, but no one mentioned it before he started, of course.
And I just, I remember, in our very first conversation, I said, 'I'm an alcoholic and an addictive eater, and I'm just, I've just got sober' and, you know, so I, you know, he must have thought, 'Oh, my goodness! What have I got here.' And, and the funny thing was, is he could hear, he could tell immediately if someone was not telling the truth. And I was so fearful, I was lying to him all the time. I couldn't help myself. I can't remember the lies. But, you know, they were just they
weren't... They were just silly things, but I couldn't tell him the truth. And there was this one day where he asked me something directly. I really wanted to lie. And I told the truth. And that was a turning point, I think in our relationship, and we actually had a very, very good relationship, although when he left and he said, he gave a speech and he said, 'I think Esther was scared of me when I started here.' And I didn't get I didn't say, 'Well, yes I was.' But anyway, I'm not scared of
him now. And, you know, obviously he's given me a job. Which is lovely, and I'm really looking forward to working with him again. And it just makes me think how much things have changed. You know that I'm not scared. I'm not scared in the same way I was, you know, like, I'm not I haven't become superhuman or anything like that it's just for whatever reason the, you know, when it sees I think it's one of the promises says, um, fear of people and of financial insecurity will leave
us. And I used to hear that and think, 'Well, that is NEVER going to happen.' And I can't say it has 100% but it has much more than I ever thought would be possible. So yeah, I'm very ...yeah, and just the last thing I'll say is that because, you know, that, for me the honesty to be able to be honest, I have to be, you know, have to avoid fear at all costs, because that's when I start, you know, lying, is when I'm scared so, say that I'm just really looking forward to listening to
others. So thank you.