Di C.

This story has been recorded at an Addictive Eaters Anonymous meeting in New Zealand, you can email us at contact@AEAnz.org
And tonight we've got a speaker followed by normal sharing, and our speaker is Di.
My name is Di and I'm an addictive eater. Grateful to be in a meeting and not to be eating.
I believe that I was born with this disease. Because right from the very beginning, my eyes were bigger than my stomach. Hundreds and 1000s is the first food memory I have.
But it's not really the food that caused me the biggest grief in my life. It was how I felt like I didn't know how to do life. I was a very clingy child. I believe. I have this image in my mind of hanging on to my mother's apron. And but you know, as I got into my teens,
I just I just felt like I didn't know how to do life and one day I was going to end up in the loony bin.
But you wouldn't have known that that was how I felt on the inside because I presented very differently on the outside, well, I presented as if I had it all together I was Miss Independent Miss Carrer Woman and Miss Competent and Miss Opinionated. Because I don't know anybody, you know, teens, adolescents that go around telling you how insecure they feel. And there's... telling you that they don't know how to do life. When I was training to be a health professional, I learned about psychosis and neuroses. And I knew that I was neurotic. But like I say, I wasn't going to admit to having those symptoms, because I'm, I'm training to treat that condition. And I didn't want to fail my training. So yeah, you know a little bit about the food, I guess, I mean my memories, you know that I couldn't wear a bikini except for one summer, because basically, my stomach stuck out too much. And while I never carry... I put on, I was only a bit a little bit overweight a couple of times in my life, but I definitely had stretch marks, you know, so my weight went up and down. And I was always worried that I was going to end up overweight. And I used to sew my own dresses in the fashion that was in, in those years was like pucks coming from under, you know, your breasts. And my mother was very concerned that that made that look like I wanted to wear a style that covered an unwanted pregnancy. But it wasn't at all. It was that, I wanted to cover my stomach. You know, I can remember my father pointing out to me that it was disgusting that I was on my first plate of a THIRD plate of ice cream. And I totally agreed with him that it was disgusting. But I knew that I was not going to be able to stop doing it. I don't know you could I could have just got a plate, you know, of enough ice cream, so I wouldn't have to keep going out to the freezer in the garage to get another plate. But of course that isn't what I did. I‘d just go out to the freezer and get another plate. And I'd try and make it the most exquisite I possibly could by hoping that the milk bottle with the silvertop that had the cream on the top hadn't been opened. Because then I'd be able to pour the cream on and it would form a nice shell over the ice cream and make it you know, just the most exquisite experience I could hope for. Yes, so I can tell you about my life according to how I've eaten which I don't think is what normal people would do. But as I say it wasn't really the way I ate that caused me the most grief it was how I felt about myself. And fortunately I well I guess fortunately I did well, insofar as I managed to complete my tertiary education. I got a ‘Á‘ at the end of my first year, a 'B‘ at the end of my second and a ‘C‘ at the end of my third. And I think that's just a nice example of the progressive nature of this disease. I was bonded to the health department which was a great relief because I don't know if I would have had been able to get myself a job, that I was basically given a job. And when I turned 21, I didn't want to celebrate because I didn't have a boyfriend. And I didn't feel like there was anything to celebrate. But I couldn't say to my family, ‘oh no, I don't want to celebrate my 21st. Thank you very much.‘ Because then the question would have been ‘Why?‘ And what would I have said, so I agreed to go out to a restaurant was my aunties and uncles, you know, in a small group of my girlfriends. Anyway, the way the disease manifested in me was, ultimately I ended up having a nervous breakdown. And yeah, well, I always thought there was something wrong with me, and I was going to end up in a loony bin one day, so I was just inching my way towards it. I became unemployable at that stage, and more or less, and for the next seven or eight years, I'm more or less a client of the mental health system with a depressive disorder diagnosis and on and off antidepressants. And during those years, I did a lot of searching for the solution to my living problem, never to my eating problem, because my eating problem was the least of my worries. And so every form of self help therapy I tried. And I think that served me well, because by the time I found out about the 12 steps, in another fellowship, I felt like, while I didn't think that I was a member eligible to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, I'd have considered myself a social drinker most of my life, I, by that stage, I had the gift of desperation, such that because I tried all that other stuff to get my life back on track. And I could not face the thought of ever sitting in front of a counselor ever again. So I find myself being 12 stepped into Alcoholics Anonymous, that's quite a shock, really. And then, I meet some of you who are sitting in the meeting tonight, and I hear I hear about food, and the seed is planted. That, in, in my mind, my eating had been like my drinking in many ways. And, and, you know, I wasn't happy to hear for that seed to be planted because I didn't want to be a member of a food fellowship just wasn't, you know, a glamorous proposition. And I couldn't imagine life without the food. But I kept seeing, you know, a lot of you that are here tonight in AA, and your recoveries really stood out to me. You had recoveries that I was really attracted to, basically, you laughed and you smiled, and you were happy, and you were nice and friendly. And you, you would help me, you would do anything to help me, all I needed to do was ask, and you weren't going to persuade me. I used to go on to my sponsor about how I didn't need to be in the food fellowship. And she'd say to me, ‘Well, nobody's saying you do Di.‘ I, it's just me that saying, ‘I don't need to be.‘ But in people that don't have a problem, don't go on about whether they've got a problem or not. So eventually, I came to a meeting of this fellowship. And I heard somebody say out loud, that they used to be a rigid thinker. And I could not believe that they could say that out loud, because I knew I was. So I just stuck to AEA for quite a few more months. And I just wasn't getting worse. Because even though - uh, sorry, I wasn't getting better - because even though I hadn't picked up a drink or a pill, I was still in the food. And I was still trying to do recovery my way, you know. And that's just what it took more eating, more eating and more trying to do it my way before I was finally able to make that decision that living in the solution had to be better than living in the problem. And I think once I'd made that decision I had hope for the first time and I'm not sure that I could have even told you that I had felt hopeless. But yeah, I had hope that if I did what you people do, then my life would get better too. And that's exactly what has happened. I I'm not someone who had a good attitude. But I got, I got such a lot of relief from hearing that it was an action program, that I just needed to take the actions, I didn't need to even think they were a good idea. I didn't need to agree with them. I just needed to take the actions. And, you know, that meant coming to meetings regularly. Being, you know, being given a, you know, being being shown how to put down the food, having that explained, and getting quite clear about what that meant. And just all the other suggestions, you know, and having, you know, being worked through the steps. I, like I say, didn't have a good attitude, I used to ring my sponsor up and as far as I was concerned, I had taken the action. And therefore it was up to her to have something to say.
Because I didn't have anything to say... ah, Madness. And I can remember when my sponsor said, once, I think I made a comment, ‘I find it quite hard to get hold of you.‘ And she said, ‘Oh some people manage to get hold of me every day.‘ And I thought, ‘Oh, my God, you would want to get hold of your sponsor every day?!‘ And then I thought, I thought, actually, that could be quite good. That could be quite helpful. I remember my... oh no, I don't know if I can remember. Yeah. Even though I made the decision that living in the solution had to be better than living in the problem, I was only going to try it for as long as it took to prove that it didn't work for me, because my insane thinking was, I would then be able to get on with what I really wanted to do, which was eat what I wanted when I wanted and run my own life. But there was a SANE voice there that said, ‘Di, that's what you've been doing for 37 years, you have been eating what you want, when you want and running your own life.‘ And so, you know, I was able to admit that that doesn't work for me. And when my sponsor suggested that I get off the fence and close the back door, much to my amazement, I thought that sounds like a really good idea. Because I would have thought my reaction to that suggestion would have been, ‘How dare you speak to me like that‘, but it wasn't. Yeah, and you know, if I had to sum up what's happened, and since then, which is quite quite a while ago, it would be that I've just gotten on with it. I can remember being told it's it's not a dress rehearsal, it's not play school. So today, I have a I have a very lovely life. I love coming to meetings, I love having a host of friends in this fellowship, I'm just incredibly grateful to have found the solution to, you know, to not want the food, not want the food, very happy with my meals. To feel to be able to live within my own skin relatively comfortably most of the time. And actually just to feel a member of the human race. You know, not to want to not to think that I'm going to end up in the loony bin anytime soon. And not to want to be an old lady living in a rest home, who successfully demonstrated that they don't know how to do life and just happily put me in a sunny room in the the resthome so I can just look out over life. You know, it's not like that. I feel like, you know, I'm living life. This program has given me the tools and I don't believe that I'm cured of this disease, plenty of evidence of that. But the you know, the program has given me a way to live. And I feel like I'm a you know, a contributing member of society and a you know, a useful member of the human race. It's it's so you know, it's, it's so nice to feel like a member of my family.  You know, I know my mother and my none of my family needs to worry about me. I have a really lovely relationship with my mother, I used to blame my mother for the way my life turned out. You know, I've learned how to be an adult daughter in this program. Something happened the other day that sort of reminded me, yeah it reminded me of early recovery. I remember the scenario in early recovery where I I couldn't get the van up the driveway, this is during my working day, couldn't get the van up the driveway because someone was there. And I'm not sure how I behaved. I don't think I behaved particularly badly. I can't remember but when I told my sponsor about it, she said, ‘Next time something like that happens, perhaps you could think well, how would an adult behave in this situation?‘ (lots of laughter) And I was the other day, I had to go on a long trip  and both vans in the driveway were very close to empty on petrol. (sighs) And I thought, ‘Oh, well, it doesn't matter. I'll just fill one up before I go on my long trip.‘ Now it was a reminder of that you know, how would an adult behave in this situation? So I think I've made some progress! Thank you for asking me to share.