Di C.

This story has been recorded at an Addictive Eaters Anonymous meeting in New Zealand, you can email us at contact@AEAnz.org
My name is Di, and I'm an addictive eater. Grateful to be in a and meeting not to be eating.
I believe that I was born with this disease. My eyes are always bigger than my stomach. I can tell you about my life according to what I've eaten.
But it wasn't the way I ate that caused me the biggest grief in my life. It was the way I have the way I felt about myself, the way I felt like I didn't know how to do life. I was a very self conscious, self conscious kid. I'll tell you a little bit about my eating. What, what was my eating like? Well, in my family, you had to put your hand up. When we're all old enough to help with the dishes, you had to put your hand up whether you wanted to wash, scrape, wash or dry and I always wanted to scrape because it meant, I got to the because I could pick you know, get to the leftover food and pick away. When my father told me, I was on my third plate of ice cream, and my father told me it was disgusting. I didn't disagree. I absolutely agreed. But I knew that I wasn't going to not be able to do that. I might be able to resist doing it tomorrow night and maybe even the night after. But definitely by the night after that I'm definitely just doing the same old thing because I can't stop myself and tried to make the experience even more exquisite like by hoping that the silver top milk in the glass milk bottles hadn't been opened because the silvertop had cream on the top. And I would hope that I would get to one of those and I‘d pour the cream on the ice cream to make it even more exquisite.
However, my mother telling me that when I was helping myself to- and it wasn't just a piece of fruit. It was the biggest piece of fruit in the fruit bowl like the biggest granny smith apple at 5pm. She would tell me that I wouldn't be hungry for dinner. And I I agreed. But it didn't mean I wasn't going to have it, if I had to have it, I had to have it. And I had to have it. But I wasn't I wasn't someone who put on a lot of weight as a result of this disease. I've only been a little bit overweight a couple of times in my life. But I definitely had stretch marks and my stomach stuck out which was a great source of shame. Particularly most summers when I wanted to wear you know, I wanted to wear a bikini. And there was only one summer in my entire life that I was able to wear a bikini because my stomach wasn't sticking out too much that summer. And that was because I was I it was my first year as a student and living away from home living in the halls of residence and I had I was working in the cafeteria and I think I must have been working something like maybe five to seven or something five to 7pm but I basically had breakfast and in another meal at four o'clock in the afternoon. So only having two meals and they weren't just two meals I was obviously on a healthy spin. So that particular summer yes my stomach did not stick out great joy. Cat's whiskers. Wonderful. Yeah, and when I was on that kind of healthy spin, I would not be seen having an ice cream that'd be frozen yogurt and well when I was on those kinds of health spins, if I went out for dinner I certainly wasn't having you know fried deep fried potato and deep fried fish. I'd be having grilled fish rice and vegetables, what you know just absolutely the healthiest but if you asked me if I like wholemeal or white bread best, uh, well, it would depend what fad I'm on I wouldn't know. You know if I'm on the healthy fad of course I like wholemeal bread. But if I'm overweight, I love white bread. So, yeah. So but as I said, it's not it's not, it wasn't really the way I ate that caused me the biggest grief, it was the way I felt about myself and th way I felt like I didn't fit in. And I didn't know how to do life. And I certainly didn't know how to do relationships. And I couldn't afford for anyone to get close enough to me because then they'd find out what I was really like. But you wouldn't have known how I felt on the inside. Well, I had to present the I had to present a lot better than how I felt I had to present well, I presented well, I was Miss Confident, Miss Competent, Miss Opinionated and Miss Independent career woman. That's who I was. That's who I became. Yeah. And well all that you know, it looked to the world as if I did. I got everything I wanted. And I did everything I wanted. But that there was really not how I felt at all. When I turned 21. As far as I was concerned, there was nothing to celebrate. But you can't be not, you can't not celebrate your 21st. How are you going to explain to your parents that you really don't want to celebrate your 21st I mean, so I agreed to have a dinner party with my aunties and uncles and my small group of friends. So, you know, that got me through my 21st.
And at that at around 21, you know, it seemed to me that my my friends were either getting married or going overseas, well fortunately for me, I was going overseas. So it looked, it looked like I was, you know, doing what was expected of me at that kind of time in my life. So, yeah, because I've qualified by you know, by the time I'm ready to go overseas, I've I've actually completed my tertiary education. And I've succeeded. As many of you know, I, I finished my first year with an A, my second year with a B, and my third year with a C. And I see that as a reflection of the progressive nature of this disease. For me, it was a thank God, thank God I qualified and the horrific concept of having to get a job, horrific! I mean, I might have enjoyed my training, but I didn't know if I wanted to do this. And anyway, I was given a job because I was bonded to the health department. So that was helpful. That was helpful, because I really don't know what would have happened if I had to have found a job myself. And it really, you know, when I think about my first years of working in my profession, it's scary stuff, actually. Scary. Scary stuff.
Anyway, you know, I, I trudg... chrugged... trudged along, trudged along, actually. And as I say, fortunately, by about the age of 21 or so,
you know, I was going overseas, so seemingly doing very well for myself. Very capable and competent. And um yeah, so the disease progressed in me such that when I was living overseas, I started to experience anxiety. I sort of had this period of spending most of Sunday feeling really anxious about going to work on Monday, which was really horrible, really horrible. And, but I seem to, you know, that seemed to pass through I don't really know how... changing jobs I was doing locum work. So, you know, I was maybe only six weeks or maybe I dunno 3 months with any particular job, and I did eventually get a job that somehow I managed to find a comfort level such that I was able to stay in it and for, you know, for 18 months or so and develope a level of expertise and competence, I guess, such that I wasn't spending, you know, every Sunday anxious about going to work. Yes, so I spent four and a half years living out of New Zealand, in London based. And then eventually, I decided I had to, I better come back to New Zealand, because if I didn't come back to New Zealand, at that point, I may never come back was the way I thought and I, I don't remember having an argument, I don't think I had an argument was the boss, but I was annoyed about something at work. You know, so seemed like a good idea to leave the country and come back to New Zealand. So I thought I was coming home. But when I came back to New Zealand it didn't feel like home. It was, it really didn't. And I came back to New Zealand with all sorts of expectations about what my life was going to how my life was going to develop. I was going to pursue my career and be, you know, up the career ladder and even, you know, become a more experienced expert in the field. And I'd stay in New Zealand for five years, and then I'd go over to America and develop my expertise. But what actually happened was I had a nervous breakdown. So yeah, because, well, because that's the way the disease presented in me. I did actually go back to the hospital that I had been working at before I left the country. And it was just horrendous. It was as if I'd never been away. And you know, I'd been away for four and a half years. So I was Miss Worldly, you know, in my mind, but when I got back to the place that I used to work at, before I left the country, it was just horrible. And the neuroticism just was, you know, really just really took over. And I, I resigned, I resigned from my position in that first job back in New Zealand after about three months, and that's, that's not a good look in the professional... it's not a good look for your CV. There was a physiotherapist in the hospital and she said to me, ‘it's gonna look really bad on your CV.‘ And I just thought, well, I don't really care what it looks like, on my CV. It's the least of my problems, because as far as I'm concerned, you know, getting out of here and walking into the sea with a brick tied around my waist is an absolutely an option. So I wasn't too worried about my CV.
Yes, so get out, get out. That's what I did. I packed my bags drove home to my parents. Now I am 25-26, four and a half years doing a big OE in London. It's humiliating. And also, it's absolutely despair. I mean, what am I doing?
Things are not good at my parents place you know, my father's having a breakdown, I'm having a breakdown.
I was encouraged to come and start a new life in the South Island in Christchurch in the South Island. And I didn't have a better idea. So, you know, my mate said to me ‘come and start a new life down in Christchurch‘, which is, which is what happened and the disease just progressed in me I you know, I really wasn't employable for the next seven or eight years. I, I might have had a short stint but I tried to, you know, work out what the heck was wrong with me. And I started I did lots of self help therapy counseling, rebirthing, psychodrama, transactional analysis, oh, Gestalt therapy, whatever, to try and work out what the heck was going on such such that I was not able to, you know, I was I was unemployable. I went to universities, I was an adult student for a year that that was good I enjoyed that year, my friends thought I'd found a new niche. But so as you can, as you can tell, it wasn't my eating or any other substance that was the biggest problem. It was this unmanageability the second half of step one. And well, I eventually, basically had another little breakdown and admitted myself to a psychiatric hospital, which is I'd always thought I was going to end up in a psych unit one day. So you know, I paid for the privilege or more to the point my parents paid for most of the privilege. I paid for some of it, but I didn't have enough money to stay under, you know, psychic, like at private psychiatric hospital to stay for the length of time that I did. And yeah, so eventually, I had to leave because couldn't stay there forever, the money was going to run out. I wasn't better. I wasn't well, I came out of that hospital, you know, still feeling unemployable. And I became a client of the mental health system and my depression, my diagnosis was depressive disorder, which I think accurately described how I presented and how I was... on and off antidepressants, another couple of years living in a therapeutic community, and, you know, depressive disorder diagnosis. Nothing to say, well, I mean, there was, I could talk about my eating over those years. But, you know, it really was the least of my problems. Eventually, I was invited to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, which I thought was a very strange invitation to extend to a nice woman like myself. But I actually had started working, because I was I joined this organization, who provided activities for adults with mental illness. So I was one of the clients and they tried to employ you if they could. And I guess I, I was able to get it to get employed there. At that time, I thought, well, that's a solution to, to my life problems, I I'll be fine once I've got a job, I‘d join a tennis club on the weekends, and everything will be alright, because I'll have something to do on the weekends. I'll have work to do during the week, and something to do on the weekend. But of course, that isn't what it was, like, having a job was just stressful. And I wasn't going to be joining a tennis club on the weekend. Because I couldn't, I didn't feel okay within myself. So how was I going to turn up at a tennis club and explain... that myself...  had just I couldn't do it. So my boss in that job, he was actually a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and he could see the disease in me, the ‘I, self, me.‘ He talked very openly about being a member and I talked quite openly about my father being a member. And anyway, he invited me to a meeting I didn't have a reason to say no, even though I thought it was a very strange invitation. So he encouraged me to listen to the similarities and the not the differences, listen to the feelings and the thinking.
Which I think was really good advice. So we went off to this lunchtime meeting, I didn't see him for the next two weeks because I was on holiday but I found out how to get to more of those meetings. And that's what happened. I started turning up at AA meetings, despite myself really didn't know why I was doing it. You know, and what happened was I started to meet some of you who are in the meeting tonight. I started to meet you and I found out that you went to another fellowship and you are in, you are in recovery from your addiction to food. And when I heard that, this seed was planted, the penny dropped. I knew that my eating had been like my drinking in many ways. Which did not please me. It is, you know, I, I thought ‘yes, I believe I'm probably a candidate for this fellowship too. But like I say, it didn't please me it was like, ‘Well, how unfair is it?‘ I had to stop drinking and I had to stop eating as well! How you know how grossly unfair? And how can you even do it? How can it happen? So I sort of just found out as much as I possibly could about the solution that was on offer. And I continue to see, those of you who are in the food fellowship, I continue to see you in AA meetings, and I continue to feel attracted to your recoveries, like you just had a happiness about yourself. So you will just, you know, you just had a, life, you had a life between meals. And you knew that you'd found the solution for yourself, you wouldn't question it, you, you really had found a solution, and you had a good life. And you would, you would bend over backwards to help me if all I needed to do was to ask for help. But I wasn't quite ready, because I wasn't convinced I was as bad as you. And I was encouraged to come to six meetings, I will, I was encouraged to come to my first meeting initially. And I did that. And at that first meeting, someone said that they used to be a rigid thinker. And I could not believe that someone could say that out loud. Because I knew that I was. So I thought, right, I'm not coming back here. Just gonna stick with the other fellowship, thanks very much, which is what it took, you know, for me to well finally get to the position where I, where I finally decided that living in the solution had to be better than living in the problem. And that means I knew what that meant. It meant coming to meetings regularly. And it meant accepting, you know, putting down the food, I what I heard was I needed to stop eating just like an alcoholic stops drinking. And that made a lot of sense to me, made total sense. But I you know, of course, initially, you know, I wasn't convinced that what I wasn't convinced I was as bad as you, I wasn't convinced that I could have a good life without the food. And so it did just take more eating and more trying to do it my own way. Before I did make that decision, that living in the solution had to be better than living in the problem. And and that, you know, I think once I made that decision that living in the solution had to be better than living in the problem, I actually felt hope... for the first time in a long time... I hadn't picked up a pill. And I hadn't had a drink in the well, I think it was about nine months a year while I was just researching this food fellowship. But I was still really miserable. And I knew it was because of the food. I knew it was because I was eating. And you know, I just wasn't, hadn't wasn't quite ready to
do what you guys did. Do what you people do. But as I say, that's what it took. That's what it took - more eating more trying to do it my way. And so eventually I did make that decision. What I what I didn't talk about was that I was only going to try it for as long as it took to prove it didn't work for me. Because then and my my insane thinking was that I'd be free to get on doing what I wanted when I wanted, eating what I wanted when I wanted and running my own life. But fortunately, there was a sane voice there that said we'll die. That's what you've been doing for 37 years you have been eating what you want, when you want and running your own life. So fortunately, the same voice said, ‘Well, that doesn't work for you Di. And when my sponsor suggests that I get off the fence and close the back door, much to my amazement, I thought that sounds like a really good idea. Because I would have thought that my reaction to her saying that to me, would have been ‘how dare her speak to me like that?!‘, but it was but it was ‘yeah, that sounds like a really good idea.‘ So, that is what has happened. I have never stopped coming. I would like to, again, the way the disease presented in me was, you know, I had quite a bad attitude. But I heard, I heard in the rooms that you just put your bum on the seat. Don't pick up the first one, get to meetings, try and help someone else. And initially, I thought, well, how can I help someone else? I mean, I have been told by that I am a misery guts. And I do not disagree with that. So how can I possibly help someone else? But I, you know, I, I found out ways, it was ways were suggested. I mean, just walking down the street and smiling at someone, you know, is helping someone else. I loved a lot of recovery talk that I heard in my early recovery. And I mean, a lot of it was was in AA as well as you know, this fellowship. Along the lines of ‘don't go upstairs alone‘. The head‘s a bad neighborhood, the head‘s a committee meeting. It's full of the debating society and I identified, it's full of stinking thinking, identified with that kind of talk because it really describes what my head was like, I could never make a decision because the debating society was so strong. And I absolutely loved that don't go upstairs alone. I mean, it's a bad neighborhood.
Anyway, that you know that that don't pick up the first one, try and help someone else.
Random acts of kindness. You know, do something nice for somebody and don't, don't make sure you're not, nobody finds out that it was you. Be the first one when you get to work to say hello to your workmates. Just simple little things like that. Actions that I could take. Act my way into better living. I heard that I couldn't think my way into better living that I could act my way into better living. Yeah, and so it was incredible freedom to, you know, to hear it was an action program. Because I could take action. Even. I didn't if I didn't need to agree with them. I heard. Because the understanding would come after. Yeah and, it was just so powerful that there were so many people off the food and leading good lives, that, you know, all my argument about how I could possibly have a good life off the food finally just dissipated. And you know, I became willing to take actions that I hadn't originally been willing to take. I always had the willingness to come to meetings...
yeah...
I basically threw myself into the, into the program after that, you know, suggestion that my sponsor made ‘get off, get off the fence and close the back door.‘ You know, I, I just threw myself I listened to a lot of recordings in early recovery because, you know, better to be listening to recovery than listening to my own head. I was, you know, my sponsor took me through the steps. I I actually had no idea how I'd hurt anyone. And it was only through sitting in meetings that I got any real sense of the kinds of harm I've done. Because, you know, I was a nice woman in my mind. And I mean, most of the harms I had done, were around how I spoke to people and um, you know, I had, I had not been a part of my, you know, I‘d become isolated from my family. I blamed, I blamed my parents for the way my life turned out. I blamed my, you know, I thought I'd chosen the wrong career. That's why my life had turned to custard. I shouldn't have come back to New Zealand when I did it, you know, just all that kind of stuff. You know, got taken care of through the steps and making amends ...it says in the big book that most alcoholics owed people money. Well, I thought, thank God, I don't owe anyone any money. That's just, that's because I didn't see that the petty theft I‘d done along the way, you know, meant that I'd stolen. I think, in my mind, I was entitled, you know, when I was a student, I was entitled to help myself to the linen that you could get from the linen cupboard. If you punched up. You know, and when I was working in the cafeteria, working in the cafeteria, it was ofcourse you could go and help yourself to a tin of coffee. Because you're a student, and you're poor. And so yeah, I found out that I had financial amends to make. Yeah, I I was not frightened by seeing God on the walls. I hadn't, I had not been a religious person. And so I hadn't, I was not a god-botherer. In fact, I was quite judgmental of people that were. But seeing God on the wall was the least of my problems. In a way, it was a relief, because I, I heard it was a God of my understanding. And I found myself getting down on my knees, praying to a God, you know, almost despite myself, because it wasn't what I used to do. For 37 years, I didn't get down on my knees and pray to God. But that's what I heard that you people did so. And it gave me relief. I knew I was beyond human aid. So it absolutely gave me relief, you know, to pray to a God that I didn't need to understand. And I still don't need to understand. You know, to me, God, best definition of God is Good, Orderly Direction. You know, so thy will God not mine. You know, gives gives me relief, if I need it. And so it's been quite a long time now, since I've had to eat. And a long time since I've wanted to eat, which, you know, it's amazing to me. Because that's what I did. I ate, I drank, I ate and I take I took pills. And so those are, I don't need to do any of that stuff today. And I have a really lovely life. I'm, you know, I'm very much a part of my family of origin. You know, I‘ve become a
a adult daughter. Really, you know, I have a lovely relationship with my mother. I have a good relationship with my siblings. Okay, I will admit that might little, a little bit of that might be helped by the fact I don't live in the same city.
But you know, it is definitely the program. And yeah, I want to talk a little bit before I do stop talking.
I do want to talk a little bit about what it's like today. What it's like today is as I said, I don't want to eat. I enjoy my meals. It's amazing to me that I don't want to eat I'm not interested in in food. It's the same as the other substances. It is amazing to me to be sober that I that I don't take pills that I don't need or want to take antidepressants. Amazing. I don't have a depressive disorder diagnosis. I don't suffer from depression. At the worst I might be a bit flat on somedays, but that's quite human. So I feel like a member of the human race And in regards to going to work every day, that's what I do. I get up and I go to work every day. A lot of things happen during my working day that are not satisfactory to me. People, places and things. And the program gives me well, it gives me a way of going, going about my affairs as a way that God would, that God would have me to the best of my ability, and in particular, letting go and letting God not having to say everything that comes into my head, not not having to open my mouth. I you know, I'm not wanting to blow my, my own trumpet, but I think that I am quite well, I think I'm reasonably well respected in my role, you know, by most people. That there is a description of the reality but if I listen to my head, the script is quite different. So, it's a matter of not listening to my you know, not listening to the head
changing the tape. Thy will God not mine. Letting go and letting God one day at a time you know, being grateful. Grateful that I've got a design for living and that, you know, God willing, I can I'll try and be an example of, of recovery in, you know, carry the message to
other you know, other people... it's, it's absolutely miraculous that I have the life I have today and I wish that for everyone that's got this disease, and I'm going to keep coming because I hear that ”It” gets better and I know what ”It” is. ”It” for me is inner turmoil. You know, my ability to live within my own skin will continue to get better. Thanks for asking me to share.