[00:00:00] This speaker has been recorded at a meeting of Addictive Eaters Anonymous. For more information, visit our website, www.aainfo.org.
My name's Di and I'm an addictive eater. I'm grateful to be at the meeting and not to be eating.
I wasn't exactly thrilled to be asked to share my story tonight, mostly because I'm going through a period of just, I'm feeling challenged. I'm going through a period of, lack of peace of mind, actually. And so I thought, oh my God, what am I going to share?
So I will start from the beginning, in so far as I was born with this disease, I believe I was born with this disease. And because I always felt uncomfortable in my own skin, I didn't know how to [00:01:00] do life. I think I was a very clingy child. And I thought that I was gonna end up in a loony bin one day.
I just did not feel, just did not know how to do life. But I presented as if I did because, that seemed better than the alternative, which was to be told to, to talk about I don't know how to do life. I didn't wanna do that, because where would that lead you?
They would lock you up. So I presented to the outside world as if I had it all together, and I did a good job of doing that until it was obvious I don't even know if it was obvious actually, but until I had my first nervous [00:02:00] breakdown, where upon, I think it's fairly apparent. That you don't have it all together.
Yeah, but up until that time I was very much miss career woman, miss independent, miss opinionated, and miss successful, 'cause I did well as far as all external measures are concerned. Got my university entrance accredited, qualified. Got my tertiary education.
Qualified in a career. Got a job. I was given a job. I dunno what would've happened if I had to, get one myself. I was bonded to the health department, so I was placed and then I worked for a couple of years and I'm doing what my age group is typically doing at that time.
I'm not getting married, but I went overseas to start my overseas travels. And it looks like I'm [00:03:00] having a great time. Life is just, wonderful. But on the inside I know that things are not right. And even when, there were times when it seemed like they were right.
Like for example, I remember being at this dinner party, say there were maybe three men and three women, so it's very normal, and I'm one of those, but I know in the back of my mind I fear in the back of my mind it's not gonna last.
And I'm gonna end up in a loony bin one day. So that is the way the disease presented in me very much in the second half of step one. And that looking good on the outside came to a head, as I say, when I had my first nervous breakdown and, I believe you know that [00:04:00] I have a very, a very cunning, baffling, powerful disease because I haven't even mentioned the food.
What has any of that got to do with the way I ate? And so when I was searching for a solution to my nervous breakdown and I was never looking for a solution to the way I ate. And I spent seven, around seven years being unemployable, desperately searching for why my life had taken that path, and trying to find a solution basically.
And I had no idea about the disease of addiction. When I first met, you people who are in the room tonight, by which time I'd been Twelve Stepped into Alcoholics Anonymous. I was very attracted to your [00:05:00] recovery. I heard about this fellowship, recovery from food addiction, I was very attracted to the recovery that I saw and knew, and I knew that the seed had been planted. I knew that my eating had been like my drinking in many ways, and I suspected that I was a candidate for this fellowship.
I didn't want to be, I just didn't want to be. It wasn't what I had planned for myself in life. But I kept seeing you in the AA meetings and I kept feeling increasingly attracted to your recovery and all it took really for me to finally decide that living in the solution had to be better than living in the problem was more eating and more trying to do it my own way.
That's what it took, u ntil I did make that decision and even when I made that decision that living in the solution has to be better than [00:06:00] living in the problem, I was only gonna do it for as long as it took to prove it didn't work for me, 'cause then in my insane thinking, I would be free to do what I wanted when I wanted, and eat what I want, when I want and run my own life.
The same voice said, "Di, that's what you've been doing for 37 years.". That's exactly what I had been doing, eating what I wanted, when I want, and running my own life. So that same voice said, "That doesn't work for you, Di." And when my sponsor suggests that I get off the fence and close the back door, much to my amazement, I actually thought that was a really good idea. It actually felt like a relief. And you know that's a long time ago now. A long time. And thinking of what it's like today and what it's been like I don't want to eat, I don't want the [00:07:00] food.
Absolutely, free of that want to eat. But I'm obviously not free, of self-centeredness and there've probably been two times since I've been in recovery since I've been sober that I've found particularly difficult and they have centered around massive change.
And they've both been around a change in boss and massive change. And I absolutely need this program. I know I'm not cured of this disease and I hear what I need to hear here.
There is just this little sentence from the family afterwards actually, it says "Avoid then the deliberate manufacturer of misery." And I think, oh my God.
And then it says, but if [00:08:00] trouble comes. Cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate his omnipotence. Yes, I'm being given a lot of opportunity to demonstrate his omnipotence and I know that our experience is our greatest strength and nothing is wasted in God's economy. All things pass. I know, for example, in the big book, it talks about if you've got major resentment get on your knees and pray for that person. That's not something that I have been doing. That is not an action that I have been taking.
But I have been you know, acting as if and getting better at, or getting better. I don't know if I'm getting better, but using, changing the tape, using mantra, God, [00:09:00] just that very simple God. God. God, when I know, when I'm disturbed. And I know the disease centers in the mind, so you know, I guess I feel like it's like I'm confronted with massive ego deflation because I don't want to tell you what, the state of my immaturity is actually my emotional immaturity. And how, for example, I went to work today and I thought I was in a reasonably fit spiritual condition, but it wasn't long before I said something to the boss and I didn't like what he said back, I didn't like the response I got, the response I got over this thing that I said was, it's not a biggie or something, you know, words to that effect.
And of course, in [00:10:00] my mind, of course, it's a biggie, extreme over sensitivity. I actually did get on my knees today, which I haven't done during the working day for a long time. I know that these things pass and I know that all is well despite that inner turmoil.
Actually, it's good to hear myself say that. Good to be here and I will keep coming. Thanks for asking me to share.