Clare. M-T

The speaker has been recorded at an online meeting of Addictive Eaters Anonymous. You can email us at contact@AEA.info.org
It‘s good to be at the meeting. It's lovely to see everybody‘s smiley faces on a Friday night. It's good to be here. When I sat down for the meeting, I thought, you know, I haven't had to addictively eat today. In fact, since coming to AEA, I haven't had to addictively eat any day since coming here. Haven't been obsessed with food in any way. Since coming to this fellowship, I haven't had to compulsively exercise. I haven't had to drink copious amounts of double espressos. I haven't had to take painkillers just in case I was going to get sore head. I haven't had to spend money, especially other people's money, just to make myself feel good. I haven't had to binge watch TV. I haven't wanted to get drunk on social media haven't suffered from anxiety, or depression or loneliness. I haven't felt suicidal or homicidal. Thank you God. There hasn't been any drama. I haven't had a problem with any of those things since I came to AEA, and I had a problem with all of those things before I got here. And and why did that happen? Like, why is it not a problem today? And I believe it's because I came to AEA and I stuck around, developed a relationship with and a dependence upon a Power greater than me. And I finally just stopped fighting and surrendered to the way of life that's described in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And it sounds really simple, which I guess it is. But I certainly didn't find it easy. Before I came here, life was an absolute mess. It was just chaos with all kinds of different substances and behaviors. And I honestly thought I was going to die in addiction. And worse than the substances and the behaviors was the absolute carnage that went on inside my mind. It was like having a washing machine on supersonic spin all the time. It just it was constant, and it was painful. And I caused most of the mayhem that went on between my ears. I don't really remember anything about food. At a young age, like through my primary school years, I can't tell you what kind of foods I ate, how I ate, I don‘t know what kind of food we had in the house. Like I just don't remember anything about food. But I remember being 11 years old, and there have being this significant turning point. And I got up one morning and my mom sat me down on the couch. And I have very vivid memories of the way that the the living room was set out and what my mom was wearing and she started crying. And she said to me, that her and my dad, and my dad had died when I was four. She said that her and my dad weren't my parents. That they were my grandparents. And that the man whom I thought was my brother and his wife, that was actually my mom and dad. And I remember that changing absolutely everything. Because in that moment, I convinced myself that nobody loved me. That my parents didn't want me. I took on all these feelings of rejection and feeling abandoned and I was hurt and sore and resentful and confused. And after I had been born, my birth mom and dad stayed together and they went on and had other children. And so my sister was quite close to me in age. And I remember
thinking, well what was so special about her? Like, why did they keep her? And so to think she was special, I had to think there was something wrong with me. And those were the feelings that I hung on to for the rest of my life until I came into AEA. And those were the feelings that I ate on. Because after that happened, all I can remember is food. After that, all the way through secondary school, all I can remember is being constantly obsessed with food, constantly obsessed with my weight, constantly obsessed with what everybody else was eating and resentful if they looked like they were eating whatever they wanted, and were getting away with it. So basically, were slim. And everything revolved around food. And I had no idea at the time, that that was what I was using to change how I felt because I felt so awful, being stuck in those feelings of rejection, and etc. I only see that now looking back, that I was just constantly eating to change how I felt. And I always felt awful, and was convinced that I always needed to feel good. So all the way through secondary school, I was permanently on diets. I tried all different kinds of slimming pills, or used laxatives. And eventually, I started drinking and taking drugs. And I thought that was the answer to life. Because when I started taking amphetamines, it suppressed my appetite. And I didn't want to eat. And so I was delighted, because I felt like I was in control. And I was using the amphetamines to control my weight. Except I was never in control. And I didn't realize that at the time. And all the while these feelings of abandonment and rejection, and resentment and bitterness and jealousy was just getting worse and worse and worse. And the worst it got, the more I acted out with food, alcohol, drugs, spending money, all kinds of things. And it was really painful, really painful. And so eventually, it was very apparent to everyone that I was a mess. Because with the alcohol and the drugs, it was just outwardly obvious that things were not good. And, you know, I was in trouble with lots of different relationships. I was on the verge of being sacked. I was in debt up to my eyeballs, remortgaged my house twice. And I was unbearable to be around people. People didn't like me, because I was overbearing, I was controlling. I wanted to dominate everyone. I wanted to be in control at all times, I was arrogant. Bolshy. Overconfident. I was hard work to be around. And so eventually I came to my first 12 Step fellowship. And I discovered that I was an addict. And I learned what it meant to have the disease of addiction. And I was introduced to having a relationship with a Power greater than me and the 12 Step recovery program. And it has absolutely saved my life. And so I was able to go through a very thorough step four and five, and then go on and do a step eight and nine, and was able to let go of all of that nonsense that I was hanging on to. The feelings of rejection, the jealousy, the resentment, like I worked through all of that, and those really fractured broken relationships that I had with family members very gradually just began to get better. And in all the time that I've been in AEA, they have continued to get better. And I stayed sick. I was in other fellowships for about six years before I came here and I stayed very unwell because I wasn't willing to change. I thought I enjoyed being selfish and self centered because it meant I always got what I wanted. So I didn't want to have to conform to the program. I wanted to pick and choose what I did on any given day. I didn't have a sponsor, because I was unable to follow direction from anyone - that was beneath me. I felt like I was a weakling if I was going to follow direction from anyone.
And so eventually I got to the point before I came to AEA where my eyes were finally opened and I realized that I was a really horrible person that I saw the ugliness of my character, and I didn't like it. And so when I came to AEA and I asked somebody for help, I was finally ready to take direction. And I'm really grateful that at the time I came to AEA, I had nowhere else to go and no one else to turn to. Because it meant I had to stay here. And so I really believe that, me learning how to just do as I was told,  especially when I didn't when I didn't want to, and especially when I didn't understand was the beginning of me getting well. The ego was right sized. And because the ego was right sized, it meant God could get into my life and work on my behalf. And since coming to AEA, my life has continued to get better. I am so happy and content and satisfied with my life. And I know that that is a direct result of my relationship with God, and my willingness to get up every day and throw myself into helping other people. Because the more that I think of others, the less time I have to think of myself. And when I think of myself it‘s painful. So not thinking about me, is a really good thing. And I learned in this fellowship that it was all a lie, to believe that my family didn't love me. And I experienced that so much more recently, like, I experienced that on a deeper level. Because like most of you will be aware I got married a couple of weeks ago. And I got married to Meirion who just happens to be here. He too is a member of AEA. And I'm a bit of a sucker for a love story, I think we've got a pretty cool love story. So at the beginning of the year, the majority of my family didn't even know I was dating anyone. I called them up at the beginning of January. And I said to them, “just to let you know, I've been dating a guy for the last few months, we've got engaged at Christmas, and we're getting married in six weeks.“ Now that sounds a bit crazy. And every single one of my family members were absolutely overjoyed. I could, I could sense it from them. And I could heart it in their responses that they absolutely trusted my judgment because for the last however long I've been in AEA, they witnessed someone who is sober and lives a really sane and sound life. And in the lead up to the wedding I experienced so much love from my family members and from our closest friends. They were absolutely overflowing with joy and love. And that really came out in conversations I had with them. And text messages they sent and phone calls and cards. It was overwhelming and I was moved to tears countless times. And I had an Auntie who in all my life has never once paid me a compliment and on the run up to our wedding, she complimented me multiple times and even gave me her wedding dress to wear on my wedding day. It was incredible. And she messaged me after the wedding to tell me how proud she was of me, and how much she loved Meirion before she‘d even met him. My brother messaged me today to tell me I looked beautiful on my wedding day and that it was the happiest he'd been in a long time. I honestly don't have the words to articulate the love that I felt from everyone leading up to the wedding, on the wedding day, and since then, and it has absolutely blown me away. And I know that the only reason I am experiencing all of that is because I'm in recovery. If I hadn't come to AEA and stayed here, well, I wouldn't have met Meirion to start with. He would not have liked the person that I was before I came here and we would not be experiencing what we're experiencing now.
And I love knowing that that's just the tip of the iceberg. Like I know if I stay close to AEA if I stay close to God if I keep in regular contact with a sponsor and other sober members, if I am willing to change and have God right size my ego and go to any lengths to help other people, my life is going to continue to get better. I just know that I know that the best is yet to come. So, thank you very much for letting me share it and I'll leave it there.