Carla M.

This story has been recorded at an Addictive Eaters Anonymous meeting in New Zealand. You can email us at contact@AEAnz.org.

0:13  
Hi, everyone, my name is Carla, and I'm an addictive eater. And very grateful to be here, very grateful. Very grateful that there's a solution, very grateful that, you know when I say that I'm an addictive eater, that's actually what you need to know about me. And I can sit down now. Because you know that, that is the disease of addiction that I have. I'm bodily and mentally different from my fellows. And there's a solution here. And although I'm an addictive eater now, the same as I was when I walked into these rooms, you know, over 23 years ago now, you know, there is a solution here. And I'm not addictively eating, I'm not battling on a diet, I'm not struggling to not eat, I'm not thinking about how I'm going to offset all the amount of food that I've just eaten. I don't, I don't want the food. There's just all of that fight and all of that struggle that I had, you know, for all of the time before I came into this fellowship, that's just, that's just not there anymore. You know, I love hearing about, you know, when Kay talks about the chocolates get put on her desk at work, and yet she's the one with the problem with food. And yet, that's where they sit, and they're safe. You know, they're completely safe. Yeah. So, yes, I have now been in this fellowship... you know this... bit longer than I haven't been in this fellowship, I came into these rooms for the first time. And the only time, the first and only time, 10 days before my 23rd birthday. And yeah, the reason I came was because I just, I didn't have any other options. The first person that I spoke to you know, in these rooms, or, you know, as part of this fellowship, she said, she said the words ‘’As far, as far back as I can remember, I have been fascinated with food.‘’ And she said that, and I knew that she knew, like, that was all that she needed to say, for me to know that she understood because I was exactly the same. I could, can close my eyes and picture my mother's pantry at 71 Mahau Street, Hamilton. You know, I can think about what color the kitchen was and what the pantry looked like. And where everything was in the pantry. And the stuff that I wanted was the stuff that was on the top shelf on the right hand side. That's what I wanted. I wanted what was there because that's where the, the biscuits, the biscuits with the pink icing and the 100s & 1000s they were, that's where they were. And that's what I wanted, but I couldn't often get that. So anything else would do. I just remember eating just weird stuff. Like I remember that my sisters... So I've got two sisters, one that's four years younger than me and one that's six years younger than me. And I'm pretty sure it was with the four year old ... I don't know, rusks, they had rusks and they had those biscuits that you kind of chewed and I loved them. I loved them I...

4:27  
just because they lasted a long time, but you felt like you were getting something. So that kind of makes sense. But then the other thing that I used to like as a kid, just kind of go and get, was a tablespoon of - we grew up in the Waikato and my Dad worked with farmers, and we would often have lambs. And I would have the milk powder. Just completely dry, just teaspoon, generally a teaspoon which is better than my fingers, but teaspoon in there. And, you know, like, I just, I loved it. And I'd put the teaspoon in my mouth and just let it kind of, like, dissolve in my mouth. And, you know, just always wanted more always, just could never get enough. You know, you often share, you know, you'll be eating a meal and you're thinking what's for dessert, and then you'll finish dessert, and you'll be thinking, what's for dinner tomorrow night? And, you know, I really relate to that, like that, always thinking about what I'm gonna get, I often share as well about having no patience, like no patience around the food, like I just couldn't wait for it. And, you know, I knew I had friends that really enjoyed baking, I hated baking, like I loved the result of baking, but the actual process itself, I never enjoyed that process, because there was just so much baking. And yes, you could lick the bowl, which was great. But you know, like, that bowl would be really, really well licked and there was nothing left on any spoon or any utensil, and I was still having to wait for that baking to come out. And I do, I remember as a kid sitting cross legged watching the baking, and then, then having to wait for it to cool down, and just not being able to wait for it to cool down. And just taking the biscuit or whatever it was and burning the roof of my mouth, because I just, I just couldn't wait. And people, you know, microwaves first came in. And people would say, ‘’Oh, you have to wait to eat after you've taken it out of the microwave.‘’ And I'm like, well, what's the point of that, and I just I never did, I never could. And subsequently, you know, I often had a burnt roof of my mouth. Just that feeling of the skin kind of scraping off. Because, you know, like, I just and I didn't learn, you know, like I didn't learn I just kept on doing the same things over and over. I was overweight, I was overweight my whole entire life, except for when you know the few momentary places where I had lost weight. Every now and again, I'd had a growth spurt. And you know, miraculously, you know, lose some weight as I grew taller, not very much taller, because I didn't get very tall - I'm the same size I was when I was 11 or 12. But, you know, can't have everything right. You know, I just, I, I just struggled with my weight, I just couldn't keep it off. I was thinking earlier about how much I lied and how much I stole, like how much money I stole from my family and how much I lied about where I'd got the money from and where I got the food from and you know, stealing from anybody. And it didn't have to be food, I wasn't a collector or a hoarder. But if I needed something, or I thought I needed something like I stole, I stole somebody's study notes. One time, I just I hadn't done my study notes, because I spent the whole of class dreaming about other things or, you know, class was boring. Class was boring, but I still had to get A+, you know, like I was the sort of person you know, with the lying and the cheating. You know, of my own, quite capable, quite intelligent, quite capable of getting a B, B+ that sort of equivalent. That was never enough for me. Never enough, I needed to be A+ all the time. So I would cheat to get an A+.  Really driven, really competitive. And just yeah, just I would lie and steal to achieve those things. And same with the food.

9:12  
Yeah, definitely along with the weight came the desire not to be overweight. Like I didn't like being overweight. And I grew up overseas in Spain, in a time when looks were - and, in you know probably most teenagers, and most part of the world - looks were very important. Looks got commented on a lot. And you know, it just kind of broke my heart every time. You know, me and my two sisters were introduced and then people would judge us and judge us openly because that's the culture. And so I was the clever one. Erica was the pretty one. And Amanda was the cute one. And it's like, I really did not want to be the clever one. To me, I felt like they were saying, to me when they said something like that, I thought that just like they want to say I’m the fat one, like, I felt like that's what they were saying. Sure, sure, in some instances, they probably did. But that's, that's what I would hear. You know, I'm not the pretty one. That's because I'm the fat one.

9:49  
And just, just not wanting to be that. But you know, I couldn't. I could stop for periods of time, and I could diet for periods of time.

10:54  
But then something would always happen. And my experience before I came into this fellowship was that I was either losing weight or gaining weight. I never, I, I never was... I never was a weight. No, it just it, it was, that's what it was like. Moved back from overseas, to New Zealand, to do my last year of high school here. And yeah, it was a pretty, pretty intense time and pretty crazy time. You know, I was slightly complaining about my teenagers slightly, not a lot to complain about, but slightly complained about them. And somebody said to me, Yeah, but what were you like, at that age? Well, I was having run-ins with the law, because of the way that I was behaving. So, you know, when I say that was very mild, very mild. It's just a bit of fraud and forgery, you know, it's fine. You know, I, I faked an ID. So and, and the thing was, I just, I didn't learn I just I, I would get caught often lying and stealing, I'd get caught quite often. And I just got caught. Again, stealing a hell of a lot of money from my parents - a lot of money. Like, I'm not talking, I'm not talking 10s and 100s, I'm talking 1000s of dollars, because anyway, it's another story, how do you get access to that? But I did, and I stole 1000s of dollars from my parents, and spent 1000s of dollars of their money. And I just got, got, you know, done this. And I'd just kind of been grounded and you know, kind of - and while this was all happening, I go into a room and I forged my driver's license so that I can go out to the drinking spots in Christchurch, which basically was just the Palladium. And you know, got caught in there with a fake ID.

13:13  
And gosh. It was, it was frightening. It was really frightening.

13:18  
I was at, about to start at university, and I was told that I, you know, could have got a conviction for fraud and all that sort of stuff. But it was my first misdemeanor, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, I ended up getting a job. Not sorry, ended up having to do community service work. At um Wesley Care, what's Wesley Care now. Where Robyn works. You know, I worked at an old, it was an old people's home, what we call them, retirement village. So worked, I worked there and ended up getting a job there and had my uniform, which was like a nurse's uniform essentially, but a nurse aides uniform. And it had a zip that went all the way from the top here - it was a front zip, not a back zip, a front zip. And it went all the way kind of down to your knees, all the way up. And because I never stayed the same weight, you know, trying to go for as long as I could in that uniform. When I had to get over all my bumps, that were getting bigger and bigger and the zips getting harder and harder to do up. And it was just yeah, just trying to get it over all the bumps and, and just been, like it was just awful. Like I, I just hated having to go to the boss and say I needed another size up of uniform. And that happened at all the places that I worked. I also worked at McDonald's for a time. And they were trousers and a shirt. And you know, at the point where you can't bend down for fear of splitting the pants, you've got to go and ask for another pair of pants. But it's just, like it was just, it was so embarrassing and so humiliating. And I didn't want to be in that position. But I was working at McDonald's. I was putting on weight. Like that, the other thing is, I got into trouble at McDonald's, because I was eating hotcakes off the grill. But come on, you know, like, you've got these things that are making the hotcakes with the hotcake mixture, the last one is not going to make the right size hotcake, it makes a hotcake about this size. You're telling me I’m meant to put that in the rubbish?! Like, there's no way I'm going to put that in the rubbish. And if there was, I just ate, you know, I just ate and I put on weight. And then I would struggle on a diet and hate everybody. And I would remember going to McDonald's with my muesli and my yogurt, because you know that's healthy, and I'm going to lose weight eating that. And just no way was I not going to have hashbrowns with the whipped butter and the you know, like it was, it was just a losing battle. I could not, not eat. Like I just, I couldn't do it. And yeah... I've said this before, and I've shared my story. And I got to share my story at my old high school, I went back to my old high school and I shared my story for people at my old high school. And I said, about that time I took this boy hostage. And they thought I literally meant that I took him hostage. I didn't literally take him hostage. But Clark and I met around the time, you know, around about that time as well. And, and, you know, the fact that we're still together all these years later is just a miracle. Because if you ask me why I started going out with him, it was because he went to my church, and he was one of the only people that my mother would let me go out with after I'd got into trouble. So he was a good church boy. And so the curfews and stuff didn't apply if I was with Clark. If you ask him... I met, I met his basic requirement, which was that I was a girl. So it was like you know, love at first sight, you know, we're gonna last a lifetime. So, you know, like, our motives weren't great for getting together, but there we were. And you know, and he, gosh, you know, I say with Clark that he was with me through thick and thin, because he really, really was. And, you know, I, I was awful to him, and I can still be awful to him. You know? Like, I can, I can just remember, you know, because I'm so oversensitive and so crazy. Oh crazy is not the right word. Aw self centered. I want everybody to treat me the way I want to be.... Yeah, I want to be, I want to control the world. I want to control the world. So the example I'll give is that one of our first Valentine's Day, he gave me a Monty Python card. And the Monty Python card had a monster on it with all of these eyes. And on the caption it said, ’I only have eyes for you.’ Oh, isn't that lovely? No, no, no. All I can see is there is a monster on the front of my Valentine's Day card. And I don't want a monster on the front of my Valentine's Day card, I want like roses or I don't know, but I don't want a monster on it. And so I ripped it up. I ripped it up and threw it at him.

18:59  
And he got sent out of the house. And then afterwards, I was cleaning it up. And I found the one little bit of the card that he had written in it. Where it said ’I love you.’ And I just felt like, anyway... you know, not much fun as a girlfriend, right? But then he goes and he asked me to marry him and we're engaged and we're going to get married. And I did not want to get dressed, get married in a size 24 wedding dress, which is what I was when I started to look for wedding dresses. But I also knew that I didn't have another diet in me. By this stage, I'd been dieting from the age of 11 until the age of 22. Every year I had dieted and every year I would have lost 10, 20, 30 kilos and every year I would have put all of it on and more. And I just didn't have another diet in me. And we started looking at the size 24 wedding dresses, and they were all just not me. And I've shared before one of them had sunflowers on the boobs and kind of these, all these big ruffles, and I apologize if anybody has one of those dresses. But it wasn't me. It's not what I was, wanted to look like or for my wedding. And it was at that time that I was told about this fellowship, this 12 Step fellowship for food. And for me, I don't know what I expected. The reason I thought I would give it a try is because the person that told me about it, her brothers had been in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I had seen her brothers change. I had seen them get well, I remember them before they came come into AA. And I was afraid of them. You know, they were just, they were just scary. And then they came to AA, one of them in particular. And they just changed and, and ...it was when he was starting to get sober. And he was trying to like, do good things and help. And he came around to my flat and pruned my lemon tree. And just, they were just, they just, I saw that AA worked for them. And so my thinking ’cos I'm, I'm a thinker, and I'm a sorter-out-er-er and a figurer-outter-er, you know, that's not even a word. But I, I thought that if that worked, then it couldn't be such a bad place, like I was open to coming along. I didn't think there'd be a solution. I thought when it, when they said that it was a, like a, a group, I thought that we would all just sit around and commiserate about being overweight. And that we might write petitions to the government to get them to outlaw the signs for the ice creams that are outside dairies. Because, because I could not drive past one of those signs without stopping and getting an ice cream. So in my mind, they all have to go to make my life easier. So I thought we would petition for things like that. I thought we would talk about where to go shopping for plus size clothes. And we would, what we would do, what to do in the summertime, when there's chafing in between the thighs. That's what I thought, you know, what to do when your safety belt no longer gets around you without pushing your seat right back and then barely being able to reach the you know, the steering wheel because you have to have your seat back so that the, the safety belt can get across you. Like what to do about those things. That's what I thought it would be. And instead I found out that I have this disease, that I have this disease of addiction, that I'm bodily and mentally different from my fellows, that food wasn't the problem at all, and the weight certainly wasn't the problem. You know, I haven't come here and learnt how to maintain my weight. That's not what I've learnt. I've learnt that that was not the problem. You know? I have, I have the disease of extreme self centeredness. I am, like what it talks about in the big book you know, the founders I really, really relate to them of like, grandiose and childish. I'm I'm that, you know, I, I cannot live without these 12 steps in my life

24:03  
as a substitute for the food. You know, the food was my solution. I'm, I'm sure that I don't think I would have got through my teenage years alive without the food. And so you know, it says in our Big Book, do you have a substitute and there is a substitute are these 12 steps and this way of life. And every day I hand my will and my life over to the  care of God and try to be, try to be of maximum use to God and to others. And, and I don't know how I get to do that. You know, I don't know. And I don't have to know. Like, I don't have to know what it is that I'm going to say that's gonna help somebody else but I have a primary purpose and that's to stay sober and to help another to achieve sobriety and that is my primary purpose and everything else is, is just everything else. I'm really, really grateful to be here tonight. This is where I need to be tonight. Yeah, I am grateful. I'm grateful for, you know, everybody's experience because I get to learn from that experience. And, and it has, it's helped me in every single area of my life. And all I have to do is show up, like, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know that I've done anything else other than just show up. So I come to meetings. I am in contact with people in the fellowship, I do service. When I'm asked for help I just share my experience - that's it, I answer the phone. And I just show up in my life as well. You know, I'm reliable. You know, to do what I say I'm going to do, which is yeah, I'm just incredibly grateful for - I'm not in trouble with the police today. Or lying or stealing. That's not entirely, I can, I can still be dishonest. I did something stupid on Monday in front of a group of people. And I said, I exaggerated. Exaggerating, is not lying! Yeah, it is, it's lying. Exaggerating is lying. And, and yet, you know, because I'm, because I'm still human.

26:50  
I'm probably just starting to waffle now. Yeah, I'll just share... I um... I was just reminded that the other day, that I just show up.

27:14  
So everybody, all my, my, most of my family, most of my...so. My husband, and my son and mother, mother in law, you know, extended family are at a show tonight at the Court Theatre to see Jack. And, and I'm not there. And originally, when he told me what nights he was performing, they were all on meeting nights. And they were, that was the only option was to, you know, performing Friday, Wednesday, Friday. And, you know, I started to think about not coming to a meeting to go and see him. And I was reminded that that I had never done that before, you know, like my kids have - and what they've got going on. I think I've missed maybe three meetings. And that might have been because Ewan was born on a Wednesday at 7:32pm. So I couldn't be at the 7:30 meeting. I have always showed up. And I've always and that's always just, it's sometimes I've not, it's not resentful. It's not that I felt like maybe that's the wrong thing to do or something. But as soon as I point my car in this direction, it always feels like the right thing. And as soon as I made that decision there's absolute peace of like, no, actually... I'm, I'm at my meeting, because that's what I do. It's, that's how I show up. I don't do much else, but I show up. And then you know, the way things work. There's an extra matinee tomorrow that nobody knew about until a couple of weeks ago. And I get to go and see him tomorrow. And like, I just... I just have to do the right things and do the right things. I just have to show up. And not pick up the first one, get to a meeting, try and help someone else. You know, come to these meetings, ring my sponsor, say my prayers, hand my will and my life over, you know work those 12 steps in my life to the best of my ability and everything else gets taken care of. And I'm totally taken care of. And I've not just had that in my own life, but I've seen that in other people's lives as well. And, you know, I just - I can't - I cannot do without this fellowship, these meetings, these 12 steps... I don't, I don't have an option. This is where I need to be. And, and I'm so grateful that I can and that all of you are here so that I can be. So thank you. I think that's me, thank you.