Cara K.

This speaker has been recorded at an online meeting of Addictive Eaters Anonymous. You can email us at contact@AEAinfo.org
My name is Cara and I am an addictive eater. And it's lovely to be here on a Friday evening, who would have thought that coming to a meeting
of addictive eaters anonymous would be something that I looked forward to. Yeah, what was it like for me? Well, since I was a small child, and I yeah, I loved food. I really loved food. Yeah, early memories of just wanting more. And a few instances like pop to mind of my mom telling me a story recently bout being in a restaurant with her when I was very young before I could really speak and pointing at somebody else who had like a whole fish on their table. And, you know, saying that's what that's why I wanted
just my eyes being bigger than my stomach. And yeah, another another story as well of you know, being at a friend's house and getting emotional and upset. And yet, then phoning my mom like, ‘what do we do with Cara? She's so upset. We've
not seen her like this.‘ And, um, being asked, a friend being asked, ‘When was the last time she ate?‘ 
‘You aways a go now give her a banana and she'll be fine.‘
 And I was fine. I just needed food. So I think before I even understood you know that real, like being aware of that desire for food it was I used it, I used it to feel better. And yeah, throughout my childhood, my sister used to call me a human dustbin because I'd finish up everything on her plate. And just looking forward, looking forward to getting home from school. And getting into the freezer, and working out what I was going to eat. Which cake I could find frozen cake I could find sometimes bothering to defrost it. Other times not or other times eating a piece of frozen cake whilst whilst defrosting something else. And eating things out of the freezer because no one would notice. My mom and dad wouldn't notice that the food had gone missing.
And I suppose then, a little bit later on, I became kind of aware, aware of how I looked and my weight. And yeah, kind of as a young teenager, and in primary school, starting high school and just that, that started the obsession of believing that you know, I was I was fat, and I needed to lose weight and looking at other people and wishing if only if only I looked like that and having that desire of you know, really wanting to know when I grew up what what will I look like, and but it'll be different. And I thought I had it sorted at one point when I was in my early teenage years of being able to have my packed lunch and walk down the street for lunch and also to be able to buy some things from a bakery and being able to eat those things from a bakery and then having my packed lunch too. But kind of in secret. So my friends didn't find out I wasn't you know, cool, for having my packed lunch and being able to eat double the amount and it was like the skinniest I was as a teenager.
Yeah, and then, you know, things changed because I started, I started to put on weight. Around the time I started using other substances as well, you know the drinking the drug taking the many, many different boyfriends over time and, and yeah, when I left, still not being able to do anything to I control the eating. And then when I left and went to uni, that's when I kind of had free roam of, of the kitchen, there was no hiding anything from anyone. My eating, like, kind of my eating was still like, to people on the outside looked probably quite normal. But yeah, it was just, it was just the focus, like, I could get out of bed to go to the supermarket at uni, and to find all the deals, but I wouldn't get of bed to go to a lecture, you know, that was the priority. And then yeah, it suppose kind of a couple of years on from that. And the, I suppose the vicious cycle started of the, of the starving myself, and not eating and realizing that worked and I could live off live off cigarettes and coffee instead. And like, you know, the use of exercise that I could yeah, exercise enough, I would just continue to lose weight. And feel and feel fantastic. Except the emotional instability, at at those times were, were even more than they normally were. And then something would change, or wouldn't, and I would be in a cycle of, of kind of binge eating. And at the start, that cycle wasn't that clear. But just as the years rolled on, you know, that pendulum, the swing from one to the other just got more and more extreme. And food stopped being stopped, it stopped being fun, it stopped being something I wanted to share with people. And the feelings that kind of were growing inside me. Like I I just didn't, as other people grew up, kind of around me and got proper jobs, I was living a life of flitting from one thing to another. And, you know, in the big books, you know, it says discontent, irritable. I knew those were the feelings that I was feeling inside. But on the outside, everything was everything was fabulous. There was that double life going on, with how I was feeling and with the food. And I had no idea that those two things were related. I had no idea that the way I was acting.... food and other substances was was yeah, related to my feelings on the inside. And I was kind of in denial about those feelings on the inside too. For a long time, and I blamed other people, you know, if you had the family that I had and the situation I was in, then you would be using X, Y and Z and you know, you would deserve a treat like me, and all just all that rubbish. Yeah, and just thank God that I couldn't stop me and I couldn't stop eating and all of the ways I tried to control my weight weren't working... tried therapy, tried to copy people and what they are. You know, would just particularly with two boyfriends find someone that I thought looked and had control over the food, I'll just do that. But nothing worked for any length of time. And even when I thought things were pretty good, like that obsession about obsession about the food and the weight was still there. And, yeah, it left me on my own. And, yeah, finding it hard to get out of bed, not being able to turn up consistently at work, making excuses. Just really, yeah, just feeling lost and alone. And so ashamed of what I was doing, how I was behaving. With food, and I could see, I could see that it was affecting others as well. Starting to affect the people around me because I couldn't hide it anymore. And it was when I couldn't hide it. My family suggested that I do something else, do something else, try and get help. And thank God that the the, the doctors said they couldn't help because I was a normal weight because that brought me to AEA.
Yeah, came through in through the charity BEAT found, found the website... suggested, have a look and got in contact and I first read on the website that in AEA you know, sobriety is from all mind altering substances and behaviors. And that addiction swaps from one thing to another.
And it just, like clicked, I was like, ‘That's me. That‘s me. That is me.‘ When I stopped doing you know, stopped doing the smoking and the drinking, like the food gets worse or
you know, likewise, stop drinking, stop drinking coffee, or I could just see it, see it clearly. Yeah and made a phone call. And spoke to spoke to a lady who's here this evening. And she just said to me, you know, that she's come to learn that her her eating, and the way she ate was just a symptom of the disease of addiction. And it was the fear and the anxiety about doing life that made her turn to food and other substances, to feel better and to get through to get through life. And I could really identify with that. And she suggested buying the big book and coming to a meeting. That's what I did. And in the meeting, I heard about people who did the crazy things that I did with food
and even even crazier things. Than what I had done, but they were sharing that they weren't doing it anymore. And and there was one lady I remember looking at, and I remember I just thought she looked like an angel.
So light and full of life. And everyone seemed relaxed. And yeah, I came off that meeting with that with hope, hope for the first time in a long time that maybe maybe I you know, maybe there is actually a solution. Maybe I wouldn't do maybe I can maybe I could stop too. And I wasn't alone. I was not alone. That there were other people just like me. And yeah, since that meeting, I just kept coming to meetings and heard about what other people were doing to get well. And coming to meetings and then phoning other members and hear about their story asking them about what it was like for them.
And yeah, and I got to I got to speak to those members. And it was suggested to me to get a sponsor and ask someone to be my sponsor, I didn't know what that meant at the time. But what I know now is that someone who's walked the path before and is willing to share their experience with me.
And she's helped me and continues to do so to go through the steps of this program. And, just as, as I've gone through the steps, it's not always been easy, but you know, life has just got better and better. And today, food, food isn't the problem. I like... it is a miracle that today, I don't wake up thinking about food, or obsessing about what I'm going to eat or my weight. It's been, it's been taken away. And I know that I wasn't able to do that. I tried and tried and I couldn't do that. But by through coming here, and just following the simple steps, by saying, ‘I can't do it‘, asking someone to help me and then you know, coming, coming to believe that because I can't do it, there is a power that can so just for today, I can follow what's suggested to do in this program, and live a sober life and, you know, it's not just the food that has improved, well, it's not improved, it's just completely different. But you know, my relationships with people, places and things have improved too and big one is I have my dad back in my life today. And that was a relationship that I thought I'd completely destroyed. But I've come to see by being here my part in things and start taking responsibility for for yeah, for my life and my actions and you know I am taught here, how to live without using all of those things to to numb myself out from
I was gonna say the troubles of life but just you know, living. So I'll just keep coming back. By the grace of God, just keep coming back and
just try and do my best for today. And that's all I have to do. So Trina, thank you so much for asking me to share and I'll leave it there.