Hello, this speaker has been recorded at a meeting of Addictive Eaters Anonymous. For more information, visit our website www.aeainfo.org. My name is Cara, I'm an addictive eater. And as the preamble was happening, I could just feel tightness in my throat, and the heat rise to my face. And all it is, is just fear, just fear. But, you know, there's, there's nothing to be fearful of, really, cuz all I need to do is share my experience. And, you know, with, I‘m with people who understand.
And it's okay to feel fear. I don't need to, I don't need to lie about how I am today. And, yeah, what was it like? What was life like, for me, in the eating? I loved food so much when I was a kid, as a teenager. And yeah, I was talking to a member a couple of weeks ago about just how much like pride I had around my cooking. So I was a good cook. And and we were just saying, about people with food, you know, just have people around, and it was all life was just all about
food, it was all about food. And I had no idea. Really, that that wasn't normal, ‘cos, you know, my whole, like, family, we're a foodie family. And just for years, that was that was just normal. The eating for me kind of changed forms. And it wasn't until I started realizing that alcohol and other recreational drugs, were really giving me a problem that I stopped doing those and stopped using those that I was just left with the
food. And, you know, that's when eating became something, it was more obvious, you know, it was more obvious that it was something that was becoming a problem, because, you know, I always had a way of always had a way of not gaining weight. And then I couldn't do that anyone.
And I remember, laterally in my eating of just being in the supermarket, and wandering around, and like, it could take me so long to wander around a supermarket because I wouldn't know what to eat, I would just end up, I remember buying biscuits as well, it was jaffa cakes, I don't even really like Jaffa Cake. But in the end, it was just like, I‘ll have those,
I'll just have those. And just knowing I knew in the end of my eating that I was just going to go to the supermarket and and ended up buying a binge, like I had kind of accepted that. Because nothing I was doing was working anymore. I couldn't turn up for work. I couldn't turn up to social occasions with my friends. My life was just me, in my friends old house with the curtains closed, eating chippies and going to the supermarket to
pick up food. Even though I said to myself, often in the morning that you know, I wouldn't do that. Life just got so lonely, so lonely. And I just had no idea that that like those feelings on the inside were linked at all to what was happening with food, or what was happening in my relationships with people. Just no idea. I'm just so grateful that it got that bad. Yeah, really gratefully it got that bad. And because of that weight started to go on, it was no longer a
secret. That's the big thing for me. And because I was just in denial about it, and when it was no longer secret, it was like the cat was out of the bag. And, you know, I remember my family saying to me, I should get more help. And I was getting, I remember I had a therapist to who I said in my head that like I would tell her about the food. That was the reason for getting her and that she was going to
help me. I remember we must have been doing therapy for like five or six months together and no mention of the food. You know, I'll talk to you about everything else. I'll talk to you about my relationship with my mom and how she used to blame, and my relationship with my sister and how awful it is to live at home with them. But nothing, nothing about the food. Yeah, that was just a secret. And yeh just yeah, it got to
that breaking point. And I came across AEA, and I remember reading for the first time, you know, sobriety and Addictive Eaters Anonymous is from all mind altering substances and food and all mind altering substances and I thought, okay, and read a little bit more and y‘know reading that addiction can swap from one thing to another. I thought you know, that's that's me I could just
see. And well see it clearly, the first glimpse of being able to see that I just went from using one thing to another, just to just to feel okay, or not to feel anything, just to not feel anything, because I couldn't live with myself. If it wasn't the food, it would just be anything to knock myself out before going to bed at night. So I could pass out before going to sleep. I didn't know that my thinking was the problem. And just coming here, just learnt so much continue to learn so much.
I'm just, I'm just an addict. That's all I am. It's really simple. And I got to have the opportunity this week to speak to speak to someone on the phone about the fellowship, and they asked me, like, how did you accept that you were an addictive eater? And I was like, how did I accept?... I just kept eating, you know, came to meetings here. And I heard that other people had done what I've done with food and they weren't doing it anymore. But I was
still eating. And even when I knew that what the problem was, I couldn't, I couldn't stop it. And just more eating, just caused me more pain. And that was enough to start that acceptance kind of process, just more pain and more eating. And then coming here and just doing what was suggested. And things slowly started to change. And then y‘know suggested to come to meetings, start phoning long term sober members and some prayers, meditation, reading of the books, and getting a
sponsor. And I just didn't know what any of that actually meant, really. But I was just so full of fear, to continue the way I was living in life. Because I was just petrified I was going to lose, petrified I was going to lose my boyfriend at the time. I thought he was the, the only really good thing left in my life because he wouldn't love me anymore, because I would just get too fat. So I'm just... Yeah, yeah, fear, more fear. Yeah, but I learn here to take
the action. And that was all it was in the beginning was just those still is just take the action of picking up the phone and doing the next thing, I don't need to understand it all. I don't need to work it all out, I just need to do the next thing. And through doing that, you know, today, yeah today is really different. I was just driving to work this morning. And every person I drove past seemed to be smoking a cigarette. I just smile thinking I'm driving to work and not
smoking a cigarette. And food is not a problem for me. And no other substance is a problem for me today because of being here, which in itself is a complete miracle. I didn't think that was possible. And I remember after having a sponsor for some time and following the suggestions, and I just started on a food plan. And a colleague we were going for a walk and a colleague said to me, can I kind of put your biscuits in my in your rucksack? And I said, Yeah, sure. And I completely forgot
about them. And like I had food on me that I'd completely forgotten about. And I was like, WOW! This is what it means not to be obsessed about food. And I just had no idea that was possible. But I find that it's possible here. And for me anyway. And yeah, just just being able to have have a relationship with my mom and my dad today. And my sister and someone said last week, like the healing of relationships, and that's what I'm getting to getting to experience from being
here. You know, I'm sitting in my flat this evening, and I never thought it'd be possible to live alone and not pick up the food and not be in the food
all the time. And it is I just get help with life here now because I have come to learn from being here that the problem wasn't the food, you know, it was that that irritable and discontent feeling inside that I tried to solve with all of these outside things, when actually the answer for me is you know, is being in this fellowship, and everything that comes with that.
And being able to have fun with people and to laugh and learning to laugh at myself and y‘know just being told here as well just to get out of self and help
somebody else. And I just love hearing people's experiences about what that is, you know, and it's just just suggested recently of, you know, if I am attending somewhere and sitting on a chair, like hmm just thinking about how comfy the chair is, hmmm I wonder what this chair feels like and just come before, coming on the meeting I was like ‘oh my big toes are rather tingly‘... just anything for me to stop thinking about me. I'm the problem. Like
who knew? But yeah, just full of love to be here today and yeah, I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and try my best just to keep it in the day. Yeah, thank you Anna. I'm gonna leave it there.