Hello, this speaker has been recorded at a meeting of Addictive Eaters Anonymous. For more information, visit our website www.aeainfo.org My name is Ingrid and I'm an addictive eater. And welcome to anyone who's new or fairly new to this meeting. And thank you for asking me to share my experience. I'm a bit nervous to talk with you guys. But I'm just going to tell you what it was like, what happened for me and what it's like now. And that's
something I do know. So I hope you hear something you really relate to something that can help you today to be well, so yeah, I, when I came to Addictive Eaters Anonymous, actually, before I came, I just ran, I was running from everything, I didn't want to feel the way that I felt. And I had this persistent voice in my head telling me that I was worthless, that I didn't, yeah, that I was taking from this world. And that I was, yeah, not helpful and that I didn't have a
right to be here. So I just kept running and running, I thought if I just filled, rebuilt my life full, then I could pretend like those feelings weren't there. And then maybe I could, if I did enough good things, then maybe I could be worth it in the end. So I remember, actually, Friday nights, there was a something I used to do this, like a group of people would go to this motel. It's like a really sleazy one star hotel. And we would go there.
And we would bring pizza and games and play with the kids. Because there's a bunch of homeless people that actually live full time in the motel. So we would go and we'd bring these to them, and we'd play with them. And then I would always go because when I was there, it was right during dinner time. So I wouldn't have to eat because we'd have to save all the food for the guests. And I also would
be playing with the kids. So I wouldn't have to think about eating, or at least like I could try to not think about eating for the time that I was playing with them. And then by the time it was over, the whole group would leave, you know, they would just stay for a couple hours. And then they would leave but I didn't want to leave. Because I knew if I left, then I would go find something to eat. And I was afraid that once I stopped started eating, I couldn't stop. Because that's
how it was. And so I would just stay there. I would stay there at night by myself playing with random strangers kids. And I told my old co-worker about this, like, yeah, I go to this great place on Friday nights. It's at such and such motel and she's like, ‘Ingrid, don't go there by yourself. My husband was shot there.‘ He had a he was a security guard. And he wore it, he was wearing a vest, though he was injured, but he wasn't killed. But he was shot
at that motel. And I was just hanging out there by myself trying to make myself okay, and to run away from food. And if you would have asked me then is that what you're doing? I would have no idea. That's what I was doing. I wouldn't know how to explain that to you. But I see now that that's what I was doing. I was running away from this obsession and illness in my mind and in my body that was telling me I don't deserve to eat. And I don't deserve
anything, I'm worthless. I thought if I could just sort out my life, if I would just do things better than my issues with food would stop. The issues I was having with I just kind of in my head, I was always thinking about what I could eat. And I wanted to eat because I knew that it would feel a couple minutes, a little period of relief once I was starting to eat. So I was always wanting to
eat. But then whenever I did start to eat started to eat, my brain would attack me, like telling me I'm such a horrible person for eating all these things. And so my response to that was just restricting, you know, just try to eat as little as I can. If I can't start it. If I don't start it, then I won't have any trouble stopping. Well, that didn't work. It
worked for a while. And then I got really scared because I started binging in the middle of the night off random places I would just I would binge and I would eat even things that were not really edible, like frozen, from the bins, things that were like condiments and spices I'd be eating those. And that was scary, because that's not what I did. I restricted and now I'm doing something scary. So I was aware that I had reached a level where there was something going on with my eating that was a
problem. that I couldn't solve. So when I, of course, I never talked about this to anyone. I've never talked about this to anyone. But I went to the dentist and I asked my dentist if my teeth were okay. Because people had told me that if you are underweight for too long that if there's a risk to your bone health and your teeth health. And so I asked her and she said, ‘Yes, your teeth are fine. But I have noticed you lost a lot of weight. And I just want you to know, that I eat
compulsively. And I've obsessed about food. And I found help with these meetings, and here's my number and my card if you ever want to go.‘ I thought no way! Like you don't understand me. You don't know my problem. But actually, that was a great help to me. So when I was in real, serious pain on the bathroom floor, from a binge, I called the number, and I started
to go to meetings. And what I loved about meetings, is when I listened to you guys, share, you talked about being helpful to other people, and not like you were showing off, but you're just talking about what you did during the day. I heard people share that they did service at jails, that they talked about
the program first! Like their life, their priority was about sharing that there is a freedom there is a solution from the constant thinking of ‘I want to eat, I want to eat I want to eat‘ and the inability to stop eating once you start and then also that spiritual malady of like, I think I'm worthless, and I can't run my life, that there's something that could fill that hole inside of me that I was feeling like this higher power shaped hole inside of me. So, you know, that's what kept
me coming back. I didn't want to know all these hard things I thought I would have to do with food. I didn't want to do that. But I did love that. That what was on offer was a freedom was an ability to be able to do something and live a life that's really helpful for for others, to others coming from a place of fullness instead of a place of running. And so I got a big book on my first meeting. And I started reading it and I loved
it. So I thought I got this, you know, I'm just gonna read the big book, I'm gonna go to meetings. And I think I can I can squash this problem, not change my life. Eating problems just fade away. It's, it's gonna be fine. So started going to meetings, probably I was going to meetings for over a year. And I was getting worse, the eating was getting worse. And I thought, What is the problem? Like, I'm doing this, I'm reading the steps. It's not fine. But I hadn't stopped
eating. I was still manipulating food. I was running to food as a solution. I was eating uncontrollably I yeah. I had no way to stop the eating. So I thought I know. I'll go to a nutritionist. She'll give me a food plan. I'll just follow the food plan. And from the nutritionist and that'd be fine. So I got it from the nutritionist. And I lied, I lied to myself about the food plan. I started saying, ‘Oh, this food kind of fits into two categories at the same time.‘ So that did
not work for me either. I had to completely do this program as it's laid out in the big book, and from a sponsor who's done it before me in order to really experience help, moving forward help, freedom from the addiction, the eating in the physical allergy, the mental obsession and the spiritual malady. So I did I, I asked for a sponsor. And for me, that was a real tangible step of making a decision to do it a different way to acknowledge that I had a problem bigger than something I
couldn't solve. And to acknowledge that I believed in something bigger than me was a solution. I didn't believe that if I asked her and did what she said that there could be a chance that I would be okay. I didn't know if I could do it. You know, the program I I really didn't know if I can do it. But I knew that it had worked for other people and that I wanted to just for today just for that day. And I started to begin to
trust a higher power. I got other phone numbers of members and it was one morning I was trying to get to work. And I was terrified. I just I lived in fear all the time. So all I was doing all I needed to do was get dressed and brush my teeth and go to work, like so simple. But I was terrified. And so I just called another member of this program who‘s here today for help. And I said, I was crying.
I was like, ‘Look, I can't get dressed, I can't go to work, I'm terrified.‘ She said, ‘Go outside right now and get on your knees and ask your higher power for help. Just help to get dressed. And when you're done, thank your higher power.‘ And so I did and she said, ‘I'll stay on the line.‘ And so I did, I walked out in the house, I got on my knees, I prayed for help. I walked back in the house, I put on my clothes, I thanked my higher power and I got back on
the phone with her. I said, ‘Okay, did it.‘ And she said, ‘Okay, ask your higher power for help to brush your teeth. And thank him when you're done. I'll be right here.‘ And I did same thing. I asked my higher power for help brushed my teeth. I thanked him and she was right there. And then all the way till the point that I was sitting in my car. And I got and I made it to work. And that just is it an example to me of how I put myself out there by making that phone call. And by asking my
higher power for help. And that higher power showed up for me. And I learned to trust. And 10s of 1000s of more of those situations have happened to me in the last five years. Like so many times, I've just been willing to go to my higher power and say, ‘I can't, I can't do this. And I need help.‘ And that higher power has shown up for me. And the people in this group have been here to support me and direct me right back to my higher power over and over again. My sponsor says this
beautiful thing. She says ‘where's your higher power in this? Where is your higher power?‘ And that is what helps me get through. Because when things happen that I don't want to happen. I don't want to be sick right now talking to you guys with a horrible voice. I don't want to be, I would like to be in Scotland, I had a great at going to the event with you all. But I am not. And that's okay. Because I can just sit in this moment, say, ‘Where's my
higher power in this? And then look and see it and think my higher power. And I do not have to addictively eat today, which is great. It tries to come back and get me sometimes. Or somebody send me a message if I'm talking to for too long, please ‘cos I don't know, where I'm at on my timeframe. But I just want to say sometimes the the the illness comes back to me. I had a phase where I wanted
to be really muscular. So I thought I need to do all these things because I need to be muscular, which is just a disguised way for me to say thin. And so I was talking to my sponsor about this. And it just she said something that was really helpful to me. She said, ‘when you die at your funeral, do you want people to say oh, yeah, Ingrid, she was really health conscious. She was a really muscular person, and her food and her fitness was really
important to her. Or would you rather that they say, oh, you know, Ingrid, she was a kind and loving friend. She showed up. Even when it was hard. She accepted me for who I was, and she loved me.‘ That's the person I want to be. I don't care if I am not if I'm muscular or not, because who cares?! I know that I have this issue with food. So I have to put things regarding food and my weight down and not worry about that. And in an exchange I get to be more and more that person, that loving
friend. So I just want to keep showing up keep sharing that this is on offer for all of us. And thank you to my higher power for showing me that he's he's right here with me helping me through and thank you for listening. I look forward to listening to you