71. Why Do We Seek External Validation?

We are talking all about how and why do we seek external validation ? So let me put this into context . This is where you ask others to validate parts of your behaviour and your choices and your decisions . It is extremely closely linked to people pleasing . It's extremely closely linked to having poor boundaries .

It's extremely closely linked to the whole perfectionist thread and it's very much entwined with the not feeling good enough thread .

So if you have seen signs of yourself in any of those other elements , then please do keep listening , because this is a big one , this is a deep one and this is where a lot of people give their power away or their intentions away to other things , other situations , things externally to themselves . So it's like externally to themselves .

So it's like the opposite of embodiment . It's like give it away . I'm not having it in any way , shape or form and I'm not going to be in a space to actually receive it in a way that feels good as well . So let's talk through what this might look like .

So it might look like the pattern that I had , which was I was out to prove the teachers at school that I was good enough . You know , they told me that I wasn't going to come to anything , and so I was really in the space of do you know what I'm going to show them .

I was in that kind of like you just watch me type of energy , and it's an interesting place to be . So I went and collected multiple , multiple qualifications . I didn't realise this is what I was doing until the last kind of like five or six years , when I started working on myself and realised all of these things .

That came much more to a forefront when I turned into the whole world of entrepreneurship , because you get to look at yourself in many ways when you are working for yourself . And so I collected various qualifications that were externally validating to me that I was good enough . Look , I've got this health degree . Look , I've got this counselling qualification .

Look , I've got this transformational life coaching diploma . Look , I'm a personal trainer . Look , I'm a positive psychology coach , and that is fabulous on so many levels because it's allowed me to build this business that I absolutely adore .

But the pattern was always about seeking external validation and I hadn't realized for me personally that it was very much threaded with the whole people pleaser element . And when you're in the people pleaser pattern , you're giving away what you desire to other people , so you're validating them before yourself .

So there's an external validation marriage , shall we say with other people before yourself . For example , say there's four of you going out for dinner . You're deciding where you're going to go for something to eat . They all want to go to Italian . You don't really like Italian , but you just go , yeah , whatever .

That's when you are allowing yourself to not even say oh , I don't really like Italian , can we pick somewhere else To just go ? Yeah , it's okay , the three of you want to go to Italian , so I'll just go , and so they are in the space where they are affecting who you really are .

So there's a piece around the people pleasing with external validation that sits slightly different . It's when you just say yes , yes , yes to everything . Um , whether you want to do it or not , people ask you to go and watch a film at the cinema . You don't really want to go , but you say yes .

People ask you to get on a call with them to do some um , skill swapping or something like that , and you say yes and you don't really want to do it , those kind of things . So it's also very closely linked with poor boundaries , the inability to say no , no , that's not for me , or no , not at the moment , or just no , which is a whole other episode .

But why people seek validation is because somewhere inside of them , subconsciously , energetically , somewhere in their life , there is , there are pieces missing , there are gaps that they feel they would like to fill . So it can be very closely linked to self-esteem . It can be very closely linked to self-esteem . It can be very closely linked to low self-worth .

It can be very closely linked to understanding yourself and just wanting to fit in . This is how you spot it within yourself . You may be like me , collecting lots of qualifications . You may be in the entrepreneurial space and buying lots of courses , trying lots of strategies , jumping from coach to coach to coach . You may be like that .

That might be part of your pattern . The other element that comes in is it's around asking people for advice . So you're running your business or you're running your life or you're opening to doing something completely different and you're excited and it feels really good and it's like an adventure , like you know what I might do this , whatever this is .

And you tell a friend and they're like really , do you really want to do that ? And you tell another friend , they're like really do you really want to do that ? And you tell another friend , they're like what are you really going to pay for to do that ? And all of a sudden you're like , oh , maybe I won't , okay , yeah , no , maybe they're right .

And this is when you are allowing external validation to affect your behaviors , your ways of thinking . We also have external validation for some of us that absolutely love praise . Absolutely love it . They can't get enough of it , they just want more and more , more of it and they thrive on it and they go out of their way to seek praise .

So they go above and beyond . So there's an element of over delivering , so that they will seek praise and remember . Some of these things are conscious , some of them are subconscious . Um , some of them are energetic , some you will be aware of , some not . The praising .

One is in the over delivering , over over in everything , over promising , and , again , that's seeking some validation , that you're good enough or that you are confident or that you are capable in some way , shape or form , and so that's another pattern of seeking , seeking praise from others .

Now , the wonderful thing about these elements of our personality , of our psyche , of how we show up in the world , is that once we become aware of them and some of you will become aware by listening to what I'm saying you'll be like , oh , hang on a minute , I have elements of that going on .

Some of you may be aware , like that , some of you may have an inkling , and some of you may not be aware at all . And I'm sowing the seed of the awareness to rise within you for you to look at , if you choose to .

The beautiful thing is that we get to change , we get to understand ourselves , we get to see and really embody what it is that has prompted that behavior and shine a light on it and heal it from the inside out .

So , on a broader level , it can be like very clearly a part of self-esteem , so that you just don't feel great about yourself , so that you'd like other people to boost you .

So , internally , the piece around feeling good about yourself is understanding what actually allows you and brings you joy , and doing more of that , and one of the key things with this is mindfulness activities being present in the moment , not seeking too far ahead or looking too much in the past , being in the moment , being in the energy of the here and now and

owning that with all of your capabilities . And doing things that you just love , from very small things like having a hot drink that you really love and just sitting for 10 minutes nourishing it , allowing it to warm you from the inside out and really savoring the taste that can allow you to really feel good and boost this self-esteem .

Also , making decisions without telling anyone , without asking anyone , they can allow you to feel good . They can build your inner confidence muscle like never before , allowing yourself to be open to what it's like when you carry out things that allow you to feel good , that don't have an end goal , like there's no achievement at the end of it .

You're just doing it because it feels good .

That's a massive , radical change for people when they're working on this particular external validation , because building yourself inside when you're not seeking anything else is by far the quickest , the fastest way to overcome this kind of presentation of yourself and navigate yourself so that you feel super strong inside , you feel super resilient , you are empowered , you

feel brave and courageous and you're able to do all of the things on so many levels and be able to navigate life like never before . Understanding that is so so powerful to be able to navigate this growth piece that you may or may not be being shown as you listen to this episode . So let's celebrate what internal validation may look like . Now .

Let me just caveat that we all love praise . We all love people to say well done , you're great , keep going . There's an element of that that's really healthy . So we're never like not having any external validation or external praise for us , because we do love it , but not it's not . We're not dependent on it , we're not relying on it .

It's not something that we're out seeking . It's something like it's great when it comes and we massively appreciate it , but we can build the muscle and the flow and the relationship with ourselves that we're like hey , do you know what ? I am absolutely on fire and I'm owning it . Do you know what ?

I'm celebrating the growth step by step , breath by breath , and I am so absolutely enjoying what I'm learning about myself practices that you can create for yourself that allow you to really be able to understand how to navigate this on multiple , multiple , multiple levels .

So let's just do a two-minute check-in with ourselves as you're listening , so just for the next two minutes , I just want you to think about the words that I'm saying , to see where you are on this seeking external validation piece .

Is there anything that's coming up for you and what are the pieces that I feel really great for you and what are the pieces that may require a little bit of water , a little bit of nurture and a little bit of growth ?

And if you want to know more about any of this and any ways that you can do more of this work , then please do follow the link to the website below and have a look around and see whether any of the programs that I offer are the kind of thing that would help you and feel good for you . So I'm just going to go on a .

You are absolutely brilliant rampage and I want you to just listen and see what comes up for you .

So imagine a space where life went as well as it possibly could . When everything was going your way , you felt your healthiest self , your wealthiest self . In fact , it felt absolutely divine . There were so many opportunities of greatness . There was opportunities of possibilities for the future .

There were really great opportunities and avenues for real success on multiple levels and in your heart there was so much love , so much wholeness , so much completeness , so much pure satisfaction and devotion to yourself .

So much love , so much happiness and joy and bliss , so much self-acceptance , so much capacity for more , the ability to be grounded in the present , to be able to be everything you are , and so much more to be able to own all of those things that make you uniquely brilliant on so many levels .

And to remember to nurture yourself first , to fill your heart first , to practice owning who you really are first and knowing that everything you desire will come after . That pattern has been absolutely overflowed with love , joy , appreciation and everything in between .

So allow yourself to bask in the glory of everything that you are all the understanding we are forever growing , we are all energy in motion , forever growing , forever changing , forever adapting and knowing and holding in your heart that true , true love that you really are and being able to allow that to come into your life on so many levels is absolutely sensational

, remarkable and what you are here for . Have a wonderful , wonderful day evening . Whatever time you are listening to this , please let me know if it resonates . I would love to know and ask me any questions . Dm me on Instagram or send me an email and I will come back to you .

If anything comes up for you that you will have any questions on , please do reach out , take care of yourself , have a fabulous time and look after yourself . You are important and powerful and absolutely deserving of everything in this lifetime and so much more .