#8 - On the Genesis of SSA (Part II)

Waheed:   0:00
This is Waheed Jensen, and you are listening to "A Way Beyond the Rainbow." Assalamu alaikom wa rahmatullahi ta'ala wa barakatuh, and welcome to the eighth episode of "A Way Beyond the Rainbow", this podcast series dedicated to Muslims struggling with same-sex attractions who want to live a life true to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and Islam. I am your host Waheed Jensen. Thank you so much for joining me in today's episode. In today's episode, we continue the discussion that we have started last week on the genesis of same-sex attractions. Last week, we spoke about topics related to genetics, if there is a genetic component to same-sex attractions as well as any temperamental predisposition, and we kind of dissected the family dynamics, particularly for a male who experiences same-sex attractions, when it comes to the relationship with the father, the relationship with the mother, the relationship with other siblings, in addition to a lot of the internalized shame, the detachment that happens, how that affects the relation to one's self and gender identity, as well as the way that this carries on into adolescence and adulthood. In this episode, inshaAllah, we will continue the discussion by talking about the influences of poor peer relations, as well as what is referred to as the masculinity or the femininity inferiority complex, the roles of body image, as well as culture and society and other reasons that we will, inshaAllah, dissect together. That will be in the first section of the episode. And in the second section of the episode, we will tackle the topic of sexual abuse, its association with same-sex attractions and cover some ideas relevant to that topic. I would like to mention again that this episode might be triggering for a lot of individuals listening, particularly the second part of the episode when we tackle sexual abuse. This is a trigger warning for individuals who may be survivors of sexual abuse or rape. The second part, particularly, is going to be quite emotional and triggering. So, please be careful when you listen to that part. Again, please listen to it with a trustworthy friend or family member. Please reach out to loved ones, counselors or professionals when you feel that this might be triggering. Reach out to me, I am available, inshaAllah, to hear you out. And, yeah, we will do this together, inshaAllah. And just an FYI, the episode has been flagged for explicit content that is relevant to section two of this episode, when we talk about sexual abuse.  

Waheed:   3:45
Before we officially start with this episode, I would like to just say a few words with regards to the ongoing situation around the world. As you know, the coronavirus has been declared a pandemic by the World Health Organization, and so many countries are under lock down, the borders are closing, people are staying at home, a lot of us are working from home. There are recommendations to maintain what is called a "social distancing", to stay at home, and I realize that these are very, very stressful times for a lot of us. So I wanted to just say a few words before we start with this episode. I know that this is completely off topic, but this is quite necessary given these current times that we live in. First of all, it's very important to note that there is a lot of circulating misinformation nowadays. A lot of, you know, rumors and panic is being spread around, particularly on social media, on communication applications, and so on and so forth. It's very, very important that we receive our information from credible resources, that the information be accurate, and we make sure that we don't spread the information before making sure that it is correct. One very important resource to refer to is the website of the World Health Organization, and I am going to add a link to that in the episode description, inshaAllah. There are many links in there when it comes to advice for the general public, what are the protective measures against the coronavirus, when and how do we use the masks, what are certain advice for health care workers, in the workplace, technical guidance on some issues, travel advice, as well as a link specifically for "Myth busters", as they call it - so basically a lot of the claims that have been circulating online, they mention basically what these claims are, and they tell you what is the accurate information and what is not. There are a lot of videos and a lot of helpful information there, and they regularly update that based on the latest information that is available. And needless to say, it's very important to try as much as we can to limit and avoid handshaking and physical contact with other people. We can say the salams from a distance, that's completely fine, make sure that we abide by the hand hygiene regulations, make sure we use disinfectants, wash our hands with soap and water for at least 30 seconds, maybe recite Ayatul-Kursi in our hearts while we are washing the hands, and I heard that this basically constitutes, like, 30 seconds. So that's a nice way of earning thawab [rewards] while we're doing that. So, again, all of the precautionary measures, what we do, what we shouldn't do, etc. are on the website of the WHO, as well as other credible resources, inshaAllah. In addition to that, it's very important to realize that with social distancing and, particularly, for individuals who are staying away from their families, for individuals who may be stuck in countries they were visiting, or they're stuck in airports, or even if they're stuck at home, and this kind of feels like new territory, foreign territory for them, especially with all of the stress that's been going on. These are very stressful times for everyone. Right? So, what I want to say is that we are all in this together, inshaAllah, you are not alone in this. Please do not feel that you are left out or that you are alone. Please do reach out to other people, do reach out to people you love and you trust to make sure that they are doing fine. And if you are not doing fine yourself, please do reach out to other people and tell them, share this with. It's very important that we keep those ties going, even if we are distant physically. But, alhamdulillah, during these times we have the Internet, as well as voice and video calls available, and we can do that, inshaAllah. So please, let's just make sure that we check up on one another. We make sure that we are staying safe physically, mentally and emotionally, inshaAllah. Again, I am available whenever you want to email me anytime, inshaAllah, I will make sure to get back to you as soon as I can. We can talk about things. I am available, inshaAllah, and we are all part of this global family of Muslims experiencing same-sex attractions. We are all brothers and sisters, and we are all here for you, inshaAllah. And I know that in a lot of places nowadays, there is a ban against congregation. So this means that we can no longer go to the mosque to pray, particularly for Jumaah prayers or even other prayers. And these are all precautionary measures, and these are all necessary. And I know that a lot of us might be, you know, feeling very emotional because we have that special connection with the mosque, or we are kind of apprehensive and scared about what's going to happen with Ramadan and Taraweeh prayers, and all of that. There is a very beautiful post that Imam Omar Sulaiman has recently posted, so I'm going to read that, inshaAllah. He says "Regarding Ramadan and potential coronavirus restrictions. Bismillah Ar-Rahman Ar-Raheem, in the name of Allah, the Most Compassionate, the Most Merciful. I admit the thought of a Ramadan without the usual full Masjids has been distressing to me as well. But let's put a few things in perspective. The fact that we're alive is a blessing to thank Allah for and an opportunity to please Him for any other day. There is no guarantee that we will even make it to Ramadan at all. But should Allah allow us to witness it, inshaAllah, even if under severe restrictions, it is a month of multiplied blessings, and there will be plenty of opportunities to please Him therein. In fact, we may end up learning to do acts of worship at home that can transform our personal lives for whatever time we have left on this Earth. We always talk about the need to continue praying obligatory prayers in congregation after Ramadan, the way we've accustomed ourselves to praying Taraweeh in the masjid. InshaAllah, this year is the year in which we develop the habit of praying at home long into the night, the way we usually wood in the Masjid. And if that continues after Ramadan in the form of regular Tahajjud, then what a wonderful blessing in disguise this Ramadan would have been to us all. But with that being said, we will deal with that when we get there, if we get there, inshaAllah. For now, focus on the moment you have ahead of you. Purify your heart from all grudges and malice, your tongue from all gossip and backbiting, your fingers and keyboard from all mudslinging and social media drama, and your eyes from all obscenities and impurities. Occupy your thoughts and your time with that which is pleasing to Allah, and long for the month we wait for all year. Stay safe and in high spirits. There is so much good to do right now." And so, basically, this is the quick messages that I wanted to send with regards to this, please stay safe. Stay healthy, check up on each other virtually, and reach out to us, we are all here for you, inshaAllah, and I will be keeping you in my prayers, all of you, inshaAllah, and please do keep everyone in your prayers. InshaAllah we will get through this together.

Waheed:   11:46
I would like to start this episode with a quote from Margot Rose, "My mind is like a little house my peers break into. They rearrange my furniture and the cabinets rifle through. They throw things out, they put things in and erase the writing on the wall. And by the time that they walk out, it's not my mind at all." The material that is discussed in this episode is a synthesis of two books that I have included in the last episode as well. The firs one is "Coming Out Straight: Understanding Same-Sex Attractions" by Richard Cohen, and the second one is "The Battle for Normality: A Guide for (Self-) Therapy for Homosexuality" by Gerard Van Den Aardweg. And I have also included research studies in the section about sexual abuse. So let's start the first part of the discussion by talking about poor peer relations and the masculinity/femininity inferiority complex. Van Den Aardweg, in his book "The Battle for Normality: A Guide for (Self-) Therapy for Homosexuality", argues that the parental and educational factors are preparatory, predisposing but not decisive. And this basically means, the family dynamics and what we encounter in our schools, for example, in our relations with our siblings and our peers, these are preparatory and predisposing factors, but they're not decisive. And so he argues that the strongest association then is not found between homosexuality and father-child and mother-child relationships, but between homosexuality and peer relationships, as he says. So, what he argues is basically that peer relationships, they, in turn, can significantly influence the factor that is of paramount importance, which, he says, is the "teenager's self view as to his own masculinity or to her own femininity." So any teasing that is done by peers, any feelings of inferiority that the boy or the girl has in relation to their siblings, if they have any sort of physical clumsiness, let's say, or "ugliness", the person feeling that they're not good looking enough, particularly during puberty, or maybe they have been viewed by family members as being "too girlish" for a boy or "too boyish" for a girl. There is a very interesting example that Van Den Aardweg cites in his book. That example is the late African American novelist and activist James Baldwin, who himself identified as a homosexual and was an important figure in both, the Civil Rights Movement and the Gay Liberation Movement. James Baldwin talks about how the notion of "American masculinity" was very frustrating to him, and how it set him up to perceive himself as a failure. Van Den Aardweg said that Baldwin, as a youth, felt he lacked the positive virtue of manliness in coping with his peers. Perhaps more painfully, at high school and during puberty. "I was physically a target", he said, "It worked against me, you know, to be the brightest boy in class and the smallest boy in class. And I suffered." He was teased. He was nicknamed "bug eyes" and "sissy", and he could not defend himself. His father could not encourage him, being a weak personality. Baldwin was brought up by his mother and grandmother, a protected child in whose life the manly element was too absent. His feeling distant from the world of manhood was aggravated when he learned that his father was not his biological father. His experience could be summed as "The other boys, who are more manly, are against me." His being called "sissy" reflects this, "for the term does not mean being seen as a real girl, it means not being a normal man.. Being an inferior man. It is nearly synonymous with being a weakling, one who cries easily as girls do, who does not fight but flees," as Van Den Aardweg says. Baldwin may have blamed "American masculinity" for his feelings, but in fact, "male homosexuals throughout the world criticize the masculinity of the culture they live in, for they invariably feel inferior in just that respect." Females with same-sex attractions, for the same reason, may hate what they perceive as that prescribed femininity, you know, dolling yourself up, having to be interested only in "trivial household things", having to be that "attractive sweet girl". Because of those negative experiences, and because they feel that they're out of place, it adds to that feeling of inferiority. Feeling less masculine for a boy or less feminine for a girl compared to other people is that specific inferiority complex that Van Den Aardweg describes. So, what he basically says is that boys and girls who have SSA, "they not only feel different, which translates into "inferior", but they also often do have less boyish or a less girlish (less manly or a less womanly) demeanor then their same-sex peers and they have less gender-typical interests. They have atypical habits or personality traits as a result of their upbringing and parental relationships." And it has been shown over and over in a lot of research that a lack of masculine traits in childhood and adolescence, such as being more fearful of physical injury than other boys, being less aggressive, not participating in the favorite games of boys, for example, like football, baseball, basketball, depending on where you live, is the first and foremost fact that is associated with male homosexuality. Recall in the last episode when we spoke about Darryl Bem's "Exotic Becomes Erotic" theory. So just as a recap, Daryl Bem said that the influence of biological factors on sexual orientation may be mediated by experiences in childhood. The temperament of the child kind of predisposes him or her to prefer certain activities over others. So, because of this temperament, in other words, which is already influenced by biological variables, such as genetic factors, some of these children will be attracted to activities that are enjoyed by other children of the same gender, while others will prefer activities that are typical of the other gender. So this is what makes a gender conforming child feel different from the opposite-gender children, while a gender non-conforming child will feel different from children of their own gender. So, going back to Van Den Aardweg, he says, basically that "the pre-adolescent and adolescent stages, together, are primarily when the young person develops his self image regarding his position among his same-sex peers. "Do I belong to them?" Comparison of himself with the others determines his self-image with regard to the gender characteristics more than anything else", as he argues. A young homosexually-oriented man boasted that he had never felt inferior, and that his outlook had always been cheerful. The only thing that worried him, he thought, was the lack of social acceptance of his orientation. After some self-searching, he confirmed that he, indeed, had been carefree in his childhood, feeling secure with both of his parents, who overprotected him but only until adolescence. From childhood on, he had had three friends, he had felt increasingly abandoned by them, because they grew closer to each other than to him. Their interests developed in the direction of "rougher sports". Their conversations were about men's things, like girls and sports, and he could not catch up with them. He tried to make himself "count to them", playing the funny boy who made everyone laugh in order to get attention. He had never wanted to admit it to himself, but his adolescence was marked by spells of sadness and by inner loneliness. So here, we have the crucial point, as Van Den Aardweg says. So the guy that he's talking about "felt terribly "unmanly" in their company. At home, he had been a protected child. He had been raised as a quiet, well behaved boy. His mother had always been proud of his good manners. He never quarreled. "You must always keep peace" was his mother's favorite advice. Later on, he understood she had an excessive fear of conflicts. The atmosphere that had formed his specific and soft waves was pietistic and overly friendly, but not very personal." So this is the argument that Van Den Aardweg makes. This is what he refers to as the masculinity or the femininity inferiority complex, as feeling inferior to one's peers. He says, "Further, the masculinity or femininity inferiority complex is usually not definitively formed until pre-adolescence or adolescence. A child may possess cross-gender qualities even at primary school age." So cross-gender meaning interests and qualities of the opposite gender, like being more feminine for a male, being more masculine for a female, being interested in girls' play as a boy, or being interested in boys' play as a girl, and displaying all of these combined characteristics together. And he says that, "A homosexual might retrospectively interpret that as proof that he had always been a homosexual. But that impression is wrong. Not until the self-perception of being inadequate as a man or a woman, as a boy or a girl, has taken firm root and is accompanied by self-dramatization and homoerotic fantasies, can and should we speak of homosexuality." Because, after all, there are a lot of, you know, effeminate boys or tomboyish girls, who never become homosexually interested, right? And we know this. For a lot of boys who have SSA, they're not typically boyish, in that they're often, what is referred to as "over-domesticated", they're "soft, undaring, weak", while girls with SSA are sometimes rather "aggressive, domineering, too "wild", or independent. When such children reach adolescence, those traits, eventually, "through the teenagers comparing themselves with others of the same sex, these traits help shape their self perception of gender inferiority", as he says. Even as the unmanly-feeling boy does not identify with his maleness, the unfeminine-feeling girl does not dare to identify with her feminine nature. "One avoids what one feels inferior about." So, to complete the picture of predisposing factors for a gender inferiority complex, when we do this self comparison with same-sex siblings, also, this may play a very important role. In such cases, the boy was "the girl" among his brothers, and the girl was the "least girlish" among her sisters. Also, when one sees himself or herself as physically ugly, this is quite remarkably frequent. So, for example, this includes a boy feeling that his face is too fine or too girlish or that he is, you know, sickly or handicapped or so on, particularly when that may be true, as well as a girl's feelings that her figure is unfeminine, that she is clumsy, not graceful in her movements, and the like. Many of the men and women with same sex attractions "have felt socially inept or out of place." There seems to be two polarities: one side of the spectrum is inferiority, "I'm not good as them", and the other side is grandiosity, "I'm better than all of the rest of them". And we will talk about this pendulum in the next episode, inshaAllah. The individual may kind of flip-flop from feeling inferior to grandiose many times a day. Now, particularly during childhood and adolescence, when an individual feels out of place, feels inferior, and experiences bullying from their peers. There's a lot of name calling, for example, being put down by others. Maybe the boy is such a "goody goody two shoes", or often perceived as the "teacher's pet", so to speak, nonathletic, the boy "lacks roughness", you know, or the girl is "too rough". She's way "less girly" compared to the other girls. It's also argued that the father's role is very critical in a child's formation of peer relationships and having this sense of achievement at school. Particularly for boy, there is this sense of male assertiveness and a sense of self restraint that the father helps cultivate with the son. So, moving forward, when a boy feels less masculine, or the girl feels less feminine, as compared to their same sex peers, this adds further to the feeling of "not belonging". Many boys with SSA had the feeling of not belonging with their fathers and brothers or other boys, and many girls with SSA felt that they also did not belong with their mothers and sisters or other girls. This "not belonging", all of these inferiority feelings, the loneliness, all of this interconnects. Now the question is, how do these feelings lead to homosexual desires? Now comes the notion of inferiority complex that Van Den Aardweg presents. So, what he says is that the child and the adolescent automatically react to feelings of inferiority and not belonging with self-pity or self-dramatization. "They inwardly perceive themselves as pathetic, poor creatures" and when he says the word "self-dramatization", it describes "the child's tendency to view himself as the tragic center of the world. "Nobody understands me. Nobody loves me. Everybody is against me. My life is all misery." The young ego does not, and for the most part cannot accept the sorrow, much less perceive its relativity or view it as something that will pass. The self pity reaction is very strong, and it is easy to give way to it." Now, the child or the adolescent who feels himself to be a "poor me" can become attached to this attitude, especially when he withdraws into himself and has no one to help him work through his problems with understanding and encouragement and firmness. Recall with the last episode, when we talked about how all of these traumas and all of these messages that we get during our sensitive and critical years of childhood, particularly during gender development, how these messages get internalized and they turn into shame. There is this feeling of lack of love, if you want to kind of summarize it, it is a lack of love that we are searching for. And so this is how the child interprets it, right? In a sense of, "Nobody understands me. Nobody loves me. Everyone is against me", right? A lot of shame, a lot of hurt, a lot of pain. And so the way to deal with this is with understanding and encouragement and love and compassion from the parents, from people close to the child. Now what Van Den Aardweg describes a self-dramatization, he says that this is particularly typical in adolescent years, "when the young person easily feels a hero, very special, very unique, even in his sufferings." So he says that, "if the attachment to the self pity remains, and if he wasn't able to deal with that through proper encouragement and help, then the inferiority complex comes into existence. So in the mind, this habit feeling like a "poor, inferior me" is fixated. It is this "poor me" within who feels unmasculine for a boy, or unfeminine for a girl, alone, not belonging to the peer group." So initially, this self pity works like good medicine. "It gives me a sense of stability. It gives me a sense of relief." But after that, it becomes like a very enslaving drug. At that point, "it has become, unconsciously, a habit of self comforting, of concentrated self love," as he says. "The emotional life has become neurotic, essentially, the person becomes addicted to self pity. With the child's or adolescent's instinctive, strong egocenteredness, this proceeds automatically, unless there are affectionate and strengthening interventions from the outside world." What this means is, children have a typical egocentric attitude, which is part of growth, and this is absolutely normal. But what happens is that, because of all of the pain and all of the shame and all the hurt and all of the traumas, this egocenteredness becomes amplified, because that's the way we tend to protect ourselves. This is part of the mind's survival mechanism, so to speak. So unless we have love and compassion and understanding, those interventions that come to rescue us, from our parents, our loved ones and people we care about and who care about us, then that kind of self pity and self loathing becomes the way that we see the world. It becomes our default setting. "The ego will forever remain the hurt, poor one who pities himself. It remains the same child ego. It's as if we don't grow that phase." So the inferiority complex, as he says, "it's fed by a lasting self pity, by an inner complaining about oneself. Without this infantile or the adolescent self pity, there is no complex. Inferiority feelings can exist temporarily, but if this enduring self pity takes root, and it gets established, they stay alive, often as fresh and strong, when the person is fifty years old, as when he was fifteen." The term "complex" means that the inferiority feelings have become autonomous, they have become recurring, always active, though more intense, at some times that others. "Psychologically, the person, in part, remains the child or adolescent he was and no longer matures or hardly matures in the area where the inferiority feelings reign. In homosexuals", as he says, "this is the area of self image in terms of gender characteristics and gender-related behavior." So, with this inferiority complex, what happens is that, for a lot of males and females with SSA, "they complain about their physical or mental condition, about being wrongly treated by others, about their life, about their fate, about their environment." This is very typical, too many of them, as well as with those who play the role of being always happy. "They are generally not aware of their self pity addiction", as he says, "they see their complaints as justified, not as coming from a need to complain and to feel sorry for oneself. This need for misery and self torment is peculiar", as he says, "there is a sense of an attachment to the pleasure of complaining and self pity, to playing the part of the tragic one", as he puts it. Now I understand that some of you listening to this, or maybe reading that book, might feel that this is quite offensive, that it is quite distant, that, you know, wow, this is quite a very rough language. And I understand that it's not easy, but the idea kind of, you know, if we try and look at it rationally and think about how this resonates with us. For a lot of us, we feel that we have been inferior, not belonging, to members of our same gender, right? We felt that we are not boys among boys or men among men, girls among girls or women among women. There was something that was just different, right? We felt that we didn't fit in, something just didn't click. And for a lot of us, because of all of the shame that we have internalized and all of the hurt and all of the pain, we have come to self pity and we felt inferior, and we distanced ourselves even more. And that is the basis of the inferiority complex. How it gets established is through our relationships with our peers, through the way that we perceive ourselves in relation to the peers, friends and colleagues of our same gender. Also, we kind of have this recurring theme, like most of us felt that they were out of place, when it comes to athletics, particularly for men who have SSA. And even when it comes to men or women who participate in athletics, who themselves have SSA, there is still that feeling of being less adequate or being inferior, right? And when when we talk about boys with SSA who are more artistically-inclined, they withdrew entirely from sports altogether, either by their own nature, because that's it, they just didn't feel that that's something that's very interesting to them, or as a defensive reaction to the masculine experience of being detached from one's father or brother or even his own body. So, one way to kind of compensate for that low self worth, the boy becomes a perfectionist, even to the point of toxic perfectionism. And this kind of represents the mind's attempt to obtain acceptance. In the healing process, it's very important for men to learn to be men among men, and for women to learn to be women among women. We will talk about this, inshaAllah, in later episodes. Learning to participate in group sports for men, and feminine activities for women, is a very important aspect for healing and for experiencing gender identity. And, inshaAllah, down the line, we will get to this in more detail. When it comes to body image wounds and feeling alienated from the body, we all have different bodies - some of us might be late bloomers, we go into puberty at a later age compared to our peers, some of us might experience early maturation compared to our peers. Some of us have physical disabilities. Some of us might be shorter than average or taller than average. Some of us are very thin, and some of us are overweight. So, all of these differences might subject us to a lot of criticism. Or even we might perceive certain things, certain reactions from our peers, as criticism or as judgment, not because our peers are actually criticizing us, but because we feel inferior already. We are hyper-vigilant, so we kind of tend to interpret all of these messages in a negative light. So, in addition to the peers, sometimes the parental reactions are quite negative. Some parents, directly or indirectly, criticize the way that their child looks or behaves. And all of this adds to this idea of low sense of self worth and self esteem, because "I feel inadequate. I feel insecure about my physical appearance." So there is this element of either truly received or perceived social criticism and rejection. And add to that, when the boy is detached from the father figure and detached from their own gender, and they eventually detach from their own body, they reject the masculinity altogether. And for the girl, they're detached from the mother figure, from their own gender, and then they're detached from the body, and they're detached from femininity altogether. 

Waheed:   39:07
Now let's talk about culture and society. In episode five, we touched upon the roles the media and pop culture play in promoting the gay lifestyle as something that is very glamorous and even encouraged. Many myths and misinformation are propagated nowadays. We also live in a globalized world that is becoming more heavily sexually-charged. We are bombarded on a daily basis with sensual and sexually explicit material. Whether you're talking about billboards or magazines or newspaper articles to online material on social media websites, you name it. Sex and sexuality are heavily emphasized in TV shows, readings and discussions, whether openly or not. We have been accustomed to seeing semi-naked and naked bodies. Our concepts of beauty and femininity and masculinity have radically evolved over time, and we have become desensitized to these matters. There is an unbelievable amount of time and resources spent on creating those "better bodies", this muscular, dreamy, good-looking man, and the gorgeous woman with the perfect facial and body features. And to add to that, pornography nowadays is easily accessible and is now widespread, with many young boys and girls being exposed to this constantly. This has countless harmful effects on the mind, the heart, the body and the soul. Early exposure to sexual images increases the likelihood of people experimenting and ending up enjoying it. People with an inherent sensitivity or predisposition to same-sex attractions might get a feel of what it tastes like, and they might get hooked in the process. It becomes addictive, and it becomes a vicious cycle that they get trapped in. Excessive use of pornography as well as masturbation, particularly when there are elements of fantasizing and eroticizing same-sex members, all of this causes an enhancement of the dopamine effect. This hormone in the brain is associated with reward and euphoria, and all of these sensory pathways in the brain become deeply entrenched, and all of this becomes enhanced even further. The more the reward, the more the pleasure-seeking with time, it becomes an addiction, addictive behavior. Even if someone was initially curious or was not interested, the rewarding effects have the potential of becoming addicting and pervasive with time. And also nowadays, what's worth mentioning is that the culture and the society, particularly in Western countries, there is this promotion of experimentation. Even same-sex sexual acts are not only perceived as normal, but even encouraged under the guise of tolerance. What happens is that.. Let's say we have a boy or a girl who doesn't fit the profile of someone who has SSA, they may not necessarily, you know, have same-sex attractions. But let's say that they experiment with the idea and end up liking it, or being trapped in that world. So let's take an example - a teenage boy who was rejected constantly by females, female peers, and then felt, "Well, okay, let me try. Maybe I'm gay." He tried and experimented with males, he ended up being embraced by the gay community, particularly gay males, and ended up liking the gay culture, he felt embraced by that, and he felt he belonged. And that's how he ended up there. It's very important to take into account the role of culture and society when it comes to same-sex attractions.  

Waheed:   43:19
Now, there are other reasons that you can see that are quite cited in literature. When we talk about, for example, cases of divorce or death of a parent, a lot of children, for example, feel that they are the ones to blame for either the divorce of their parents or the death of one or both of their parents, particularly if this happened in a very sensitive period in the child's life. It is seen by the child as personal rejection, they further detach from others and from themselves. A recurring scenario that keeps on playing in their minds is "If only I wasn't this or that, if only I hadn't done so and so." This is very important to take into account. Some cases might be associated with adoption, it depends on when the child experienced this change in the environment, how his or her relationship with the adoptive parent was, particularly the opposite-sex parent, this is very important for a lot of males and females who experience same-sex attractions, when they are adopted. This may contribute to a lot of attachment disorders, with either the same-sex or the opposite-sex adoptive parent. And one very interesting association with SSA is actually the intra-uterine experiences - before the boy or the girl is born, when they are in their mother's womb. There's quite an interesting collection of research studies around that. In the best of situations, pregnancy is a very, very fragile time for both the mother and the unborn child. And we know that babies in the womb are alert and they're sensitive and responsive, and they're capable of learning and remembering, at least on a cellular level. Research has shown that anything which upsets the mother can also upset the fetus. Babies feel what their mothers feel on a physiological and sensate level. In addition, a fetus can sense when it is wanted or unwanted, as some research studies have shown. And I'm quoting here, "they sense and react to love and hate, as well as ambivalence and ambiguity." Many studies have shown that the first life experiences in the womb shape a child's personality. The fetus can hear, see, experience, taste and feel. What the child feels and perceives begins to shape his attitude and expectations about life. The chief source of those shaping messages is the child's mother, the father's feelings towards the wife and the unborn child also influence the fetus. Researchers have also discovered that a pregnant mother's experience of stress or negative emotions can predispose her to a negative emotional state prior to delivery, thereby adversely affecting her sensitivity to and ability to participate in the attachment process, which, as we said, is very important in the early stages of childhood. If there were birth complications or hospitalizations, any form of separation, some men and women, as neonates, may have also experienced a physiological dulling of their minds and bodies to defend against the shock of trauma, further inhibiting the bonding process that is necessary. A mother who is experiencing difficulty in her relationship with her husband while carrying the child, or if she felt rejected or unloved or unwanted, or if she experienced any other painful feelings during pregnancy, some of those feelings and thoughts may be experienced by the child. So there's kind of a predisposition, let's say, towards trust and openness and self confidence if the womb was warm and embracing, or maybe a predisposition towards being suspicious or distrustful if the womb wasn't embracing. Relating to others will be hard and so will self assertion. So this is quite an interesting cause to take into account.  

Waheed:   47:54
Now, we come to the second section of the episode, where we talk about the role of sexual abuse. Again, the content presented from this point onwards in the episode is very triggering, particularly for survivors of childhood sexual abuse or rape, and it involves some explicit content. We will tackle this, inshaAllah, in steps. I will start this by citing some statistics from research studies and explaining how this might be associated with same sex attractions. And after that, I will go into a personal account and some take-home messages that I hope the listeners will consider. Childhood sexual abuse has been extensively studied in so many research studies, and it has been found over and over that it occurs in high percentages of adults who identify as "homosexual": In women who have SSA, very high percentages of sexual abuse by men, and in men with SSA, very high percentages of sexual abuse as well. Many studies have shown that there is confusion over sexual orientation as a result of early sexual abuse, and there is a strong correlation with homosexual activity in adolescence and adulthood. David Finkelhor, a leading researcher in the area of childhood sexual abuse, found that boys victimized by older men were four times more likely to engage in homosexual activities than non-victims. Robert Johnson and Diane Shrear in their article "Sexual Victimization of Boys" that was published in 1985, in that study, they observed adolescents over a six-year period, and they found that those boys who were molested were seven times more likely to identify as homosexual and six times more likely to identify as bisexual compared to boys who were not molested. Many epidemiological studies between the period of 2000 and 2010 have found a positive association between childhood maltreatment and same-sex sexuality in adulthood, with "lesbians" and "gay men" reporting 1.6 to 4 times greater prevalence of sexual and physical abuse than heterosexuals. Childhood sexual abuse was also present in the lives of "lesbian, bisexual and heterosexual women" with same-sex partners, anywhere from 2.9 to 5.3 times more than those in opposite sex relationships. The same was true for "gay, bisexual and heterosexual men" with same-sex partners, from 7.9 to 12.8 times more likely to have been sexually abused as children than those in opposite-sex relationships. Countless professional counselors, being pastors, imams, psychologists, psychiatrists, you name it, many of them attest that individuals with same-sex attractions that they counsel, a lot of them were sexually abused as minors. Camille Paglia, who's an academic and is a self-identified lesbian feminist, she says, "Every single gay person I know has some sort of drama going on back in childhood. Something was happening that we are not allowed to ask about anymore." And she was basically speaking of bad relationships with parents as well a sexual abuse or other factors. Now, it's very important to note that not all "gay men" were molested as boys, because there are many causes for SSA, as we said, and not all boys who are molested will turn out to be "gay", and probably one of the reasons is because they were less predisposed towards developing homosexual orientation. Again, as you recall in the last episode, we said that there's a constellation of factors, so many variables that come together, and it depends on each individual person. Having so many factors at the same time that play together, all of these increase the chances of developing same-sex attractions, right? But given all of this, it cannot be denied that disproportionately high numbers of men with same-sex attractions were abused as boys, as well as females with same-sex attractions have also been abused as girls. And that certainly contributed, one way or another, to their sexual and their emotional development. Yet, when it comes to talking about this, it is a taboo nowadays to kind of connect childhood sexual abuse with the subsequent same-sex orientation or even "gay identity", because, in many ways nowadays, it kind of contradicts the "born this way" paradigm, and it would kind of underscore the fact that homosexual attractions are not "natural", not "positive". One might say, "Okay, well, you know, it's not just about "gay people", what about the problem of, you know, school teachers having sex with their students, female teachers abusing male students or male teachers abusing female students? What about rape? It's not just like a monopoly on homosexual people." It's very important to note that we all agree that this is terrible, that this is an act of abuse. And most of us would agree that such trauma has the real potential of negatively affecting the child's sexual and emotional development. Yet when it comes to talking about boys, for example, who have been sexually abused, and they turn out to be "gay men", we're told that this did not contribute at all to their homosexual development. And in a lot of gay circles nowadays, such relationships are often looked at in a positive and nurturing light, because it's assumed that the boy was already aware of his same-sex attractions and the older man served as a "mentor" of sorts. In a lot of times, it is seen as the boy was yearning for that sexual relationship with an older man. To be honest, that's very disturbing. Now, in epidemiological research, four explanations have been proposed by researchers for the association between childhood sexual abuse and same-sex attractions or identifying as "gay". Number 1: developing same-sex sexuality causes childhood maltreatment. One way to think of this is that adolescents who reveal their same-sex sexual orientation are targeted for maltreatment, and/or adolescents who explore same-sex attractions may put themselves in risky situations, increasing the likelihood of maltreatment. Number 2: sexual orientation minorities (individuals who identify as part of the LGBT) disproportionately exhibit gender non-conforming behaviors in childhood, and they're targeted for maltreatment. Number 3: there are a lot of differences attributed to the influence of the sexual abuse on one's sexual orientation, and a lot of these are retrospective, meaning that the men and women are interviewed during adulthood, and they kind of tend to recount and recall the experiences of childhood sexual abuse. And so there is a sense of differential recall, either because there's an element of self-reflection during the coming-out process, or there is a sense of a differential willingness to endorse any stigmatizing experiences, as Corliss and his team reported in 2002. Number 4: the mistreatment increases likelihood of same-sex sexuality. There are four explanations for this. Firstly, mistreatment may cause a loss of self worth, and it would create a stigmatized identity in victims, and, therefore, a mistreated person with same-sex preference may be more willing to adopt another stigmatized identity, and that is basically that of an individual belonging to a minority sexual orientation. Another hypothesis is that sexual abuse, which has perpetrated primarily by men, causes boys to believe that they are homosexual. A third explanation to this is that sexual abuse of girls by male perpetrators causes the victims to have an aversion to sexual relationships with men. They view them with fear and disgust and shame, and they're repulsed by it, they want to avoid that at all costs. And the fourth one is that sexual abuse of boys by men "teaches" homosexuality, and that has been cited by Cameron and Cameron in 1995/1996 and LeVay in 1996 as well. Richard Cohen in his book, "Coming Out Straight: Understanding Same-Sex Attractions", basically says that most sexually-abused children already had a defensive detachment towards the same- or opposite-sex parent. Remember, we talked about this in the previous episode, in episode seven, when we talked about the concept of defensive detachment. So the boy disidentified from the dad and became more attached to the mom. This boy, with his temperamental predisposition, with all of that defensive detachment that was there, made him more susceptible to abuse by a male perpetrator. And there is something very interesting about those perpetrators who easily perceive the child who harbors those unmet homo-emotional needs (homo-emotional needs being the emotional needs from the same-sex parent). There is a very interesting - it's like they have a sense of being able to detect those kids who are traumatized or who are in need of love and attachment. And the perpetrator is usually a family member or a very close friend to that family. And what is very interesting is that the nature of abuse is very insidious. It starts off as emotional intimacy, as showing love, and then it becomes sexual. What starts off as gaining the trust of the child and fulfilling those homo-emotional love needs, those needs that the child should have fulfilled with the same-sex parent, those are fulfilled by the male perpetrator, and then this starts changing the nature of the relationship to include sex. What is very important to note here is that this delivers a very confusing message to the child who is hungry for love and who is easily impressionable. Those mixed messages in the confused brain of the child, they go like this: "I'm receiving love. I'm being exposed to sex and intimacy at the same time." And all of this becomes intertwined, it becomes very confused, especially when homosexual behavior is involved. The message that the child receives at this point is, "if I want love from a man, if I want to receive love from a man, I must have sex with that man." Many survivors of childhood sexual abuse think that, "because I was sexually aroused during the abuse, this proves my sexual orientation." So, when a child is detached emotionally from the source of love in his or her life, the learned sexual behavior from that incident is going to be repeated as means to fulfill the unmet homo-emotional love needs. 

Waheed:   1:1:07
In the remainder of this episode, I'm going to be sharing part of a personal account from my own story, as well as some take-home messages for my brothers and sisters experiencing same-sex attractions who are listening, who are also survivors of sexual abuse, and to any parents and family members and friends and imams and community leaders who are listening to this episode. I remember how, at some point, hearing the words "sexual abuse", "molestation", "assault" or anything that is similar to that used to trigger me heavily and used to send me on a downward spiral. It has been and journey and, alhamdulillah, I'm at a much better place, that when I talk about this, when I write about this, it doesn't trigger me anymore, alhamdulillah. Yes, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and I know that many of the listeners might be that as well. We will, inshaAllah, talk about this topic in more detail in season two of this podcast, inshaAllah, but some points are worth mentioning in this episode, given that we have already opened this topic. One thing that is worth mentioning is that, in the mind of the child experiencing this, it is painful and it is pleasurable at the same time, and that is what makes it confusing. And as you recall, in the last few minutes, I was talking about the conflicting and the mixed messages that the child receives, and the brain starts to interpret this as a confusion of love and sex and intimacy. All of this becomes intertwined in one, especially when the homosexual behavior is involved, right? So, particularly for a young kid who has not been yet exposed to the topic of sex or how genitalia function, there's a lot of confusion in that particular moment. In addition to a lot of shame, the fitrah that we have, the inherent predisposition that we have knows that there is something unnatural about what's happening in that particular moment. But that perpetrator, the abuser, also shows interest and gives attention to the child. And, as I said, the child is more often than not, someone who is in need, who is hungry for that attention and love. And what adds more pain is that those perpetrators are family, and in the mind of the child, "Well, that's my uncle. That's my cousin. That's my parent even. That's my sibling. That's my father's friend. That's my mother's friend. That's family. They wouldn't hurt me." And many of them, many of those perpetrators know how to pressure the child into keeping this a secret, either by using threats, especially, "I will tell Mom or Dad", making it the child's fault, especially if the child happened to like it or to enjoy it. "Let's just keep that our little secret." And children don't forget. I can still recall every moment of this abuse myself. I still remember even the man's cologne, and when I smell that on someone today, it reminds me of that incident. It takes me back and, subhan Allah, it's just amazing how the memory is tied to our senses. Some things just don't leave you. They're etched in our soul, as they say. I remember that, in my case, it started with that individual taking the initiative to undress himself and to make things more comfortable for me. And, to me, seeing male genitalia for the first time, on someone else, was very arousing. I was drenched in shame, and I was very confused. I was in a lot of pain. But I was also curious. And that person was stronger. He was loving. He was kind, but he was also demanding. "Show me", he said, "It's okay". And for a child, this feels very raw. It feels like you are exposed when you do that. And the words that he used, the sentiments, the facial expressions, they showed enjoyment. I was given a sense of importance, like I was.. Someone was interested in me. Someone really loves me. Someone is really taking care of me. Those are the messages that I was receiving at that moment. But I know that part of me changed that day. And this didn't just happen once, it happened many times. I couldn't understand it. I couldn't explain it. Only years later was I able to understand what had happened to me, how it affected me, and then all of the anger and all of the hurt was unleashed. And then there was a lot of pain that came out, and then healing and so on. In a child's mind, it's very important to know that, for me, it felt like the default setting. That any time a male figure is going to show interest in me, it's because they expect something sexual in return. That's how I internalized the message. Any smile, any handshake, even a hug from a relative or a family member would be interpreted as such, even if that wasn't the intention. To the point that if someone were to show genuine interest and there was nothing sexual about it, and that's it, it was kind of confusing, because that was the internalized message that I had for so many years. It felt like I was treated like a piece of flesh. Any interest had to equal sexual acts. "Just give it time," I would say to myself, "and they will drop their masks. They will show their true intentions." That's how it felt growing up, and, needless to say, the brain pathways become wired, such that even the sexual fantasies when we hit puberty revolve around similar events. Any thoughts of that become arousing, and that even adds to the shame, because it's painful and it's exciting at the same time. And what's really painful is that the child interprets this as their own fault. As a kid, I always felt that there was something wrong with me, as if I was the one who seduced those men. I was the one who initiated this the entire time. Maybe I was the one who was asking for it. I was the one to blame. And I've spoken to so many survivors of sexual abuse, and they said the same thing. They had internalized the message that it was their fault. Either they were told explicitly, or because of all of the confusion and pain and shame and this negative self talk, and the way that the mind internalized it, they blame themselves constantly. It was their fault. They shouldn't have done that. Now, imagine going through all of this and living through this, living this scene over and over in your head, feeling all of this confusion, the shame, the guilt, the pleasure, the arousal, all at once, without being able to understand any of it, not being able to put things in the proper perspective. I remember, when I finally had the courage to actually tell one of my parents, they didn't believe me, they said, "I was imagining things." Now, it's very important to realize that it takes a lot of courage, incredibly painful amounts of courage to tell someone about this. But it's a big slap in the face when they don't believe you when you say that. Now, what really helped me personally is talking about this years later, getting things off of my chest, realizing that it was never my fault, I was the one who was being used. The fact that I enjoyed it doesn't mean I was the one to be blamed. The enjoyment just came with the territory. And I had to live with the repercussions for years. I hated the men who did this to me. I hated their families. I hated myself for far too long. But during the process of healing, I realized that those instances do not define me. That yes, some of those memories I will always remember. But nowadays I look at them his memories that remind me of how far I have come, alhamdulillah, to remind me of my resilience and my purpose in life, to help me become a voice for those who have no voice. And ultimately, after overcoming the trauma, it was about time to let go. I didn't want those people or those dark memories to still exert any source of control over my life or my mind. I owed it to myself, first and foremost, I just had to let go. I no longer hated them. I forgave them, and I say now, may Allah forgive them, because those people knew no better.  

Waheed:   1:11:21
Childhood abuse, particularly sexual abuse, is rarely, if ever, spoken about in our Muslim communities. Yet it is a huge topic. It is rampant in our communities. Let us not hide behind our fingers anymore. Childhood abuse and pedophilia are rampant in the Muslim communities, and it hurts to say this. But that is the truth, and we need to admit this. Let us not shy away from this. This is a big topic, and it is affecting countless lives each and every day. This has nothing to do with Islam, and quite frankly, it's a disclaimer statement that we have to always say and it's becoming exhausting. This has nothing to do with Islam. This has to do with a culture, it has to do with a society, it has to do with mentalities of people, it has to do with wounded individuals who are themselves broken and who take it out on children. I have witnessed and read countless stories of boys and girls who went through similar events way worse than mine, and I have received emails throughout the years from brothers and sisters who have endured rape and sexual abuse as kids, teens and even as adults. Some of them have contracted STDs, even HIV/AIDS, because of this, not to mention the emotional and the psychological trauma. The trauma is long-lasting, and it's very incapacitating. And this has nothing to do with one's religion, socioeconomic status, level of education or whatever else. This is a real social problem that is shoved in the closet. Enough is enough. We need to talk about this. Please do not shy away from discussing these topics. It's about time that we engage in this conversation. If you have never experienced this yourself, alhamdulillah, you have it better than many of us. Reach out a helping hand, for there are many sufferings souls out there. Please don't propagate the same old myths - it's never about a child's behavior, or the way he or she is dressed, or because he or she is hyperactive or defiant. Some people blame the children, believe it or not. It's never about that. And it's never simply a guy who just likes kids. "Oh, he just likes kids." No, it's not about that. It's about an imbalance of power. It's about shaming. It's about mixing pain with pleasure. It's about trauma. If this trauma is left unattended, it can last a lifetime, and it destroys the human being. It eats them inside out. If there is one thing I ask of you at this moment, please educate your children to be vigilant. Please educate your kids, your siblings, your cousins, your colleagues' children. Let it be ingrained in them that their bodies are sacred territory. No one should ever come into contact with them without permission, without their permission, not even for a hug or kiss. Allow for an environment where they can share everything with you without fear or judgment. I am talking to parents. Have that discussion with your children, and maintain that environment in your home, where they can open up to you whenever something goes wrong in their lives. Be aware of any mood changes that they exhibit, and ask them questions to make sure that - whether it's your child, whether it's your sibling, whether it's your relative or whoever that child may be - make sure that they're safe. If any incident happens, God forbid, investigate that immediately, and don't let it slide. Never let it slide. Immediately investigate that. And please, believe your children when they tell you that something happened. There are lots of options that are available. Therapy is one of them. Attending to the trauma at early stages allows for better chances of healing. And most importantly, always offer love, love, love. The wounds are very deep. We need more awareness and better efforts to address this topic. See how you can help. You may end up saving someone's life. If you have been through similar experiences and you are still aching, I want to say that, my heart and mind are with you. We are with you. Many of us were there, and many of us are still there, and I was there for years. I developed addictions as a result of this, and this further fueled many of my mental disorders. You are not to be blamed. You are loved, and you are important, and we are here for you. You are an amazing and an extraordinary human being. No matter what anyone says, no matter what your mind tells you, this does not define you, and this is not your fault. I know that this is very difficult to do, but please reach out to a trusted person in your life, be that a parent, or a sibling or a relative or a friend. Get this off of your chest. You will not heal if you don't. If there is a service in your vicinity to report such incidents or to seek refuge or to seek therapy or help, please do not hesitate to call. In many cases, that's never easy. You might be, God knows, you might be under surveillance, or you may be under threat if you were to report that incident. A lot of our communities, in the Muslim world, depending on where we live, our cultures, it's a huge scandal, it's a big thing in the family if the word gets out. A lot of us are scared, and there are a lot of scare tactics that are used against us to avoid getting caught, by the perpetrators themselves. Do not give in to any of that. Do not give in to any of that. The truth is, the perpetrators themselves are the ones under threat, and they are broken and they are weaker than you can ever imagine. I am praying for you. We are praying for you, and my thoughts and prayers are always with you. Please know that you are not alone. You are never alone. I pray that you escape your trauma and your pain. And I wholeheartedly testify that there is a chance for healing, a chance for a new life, new love, new hopes and dreams. You deserve this. Again, we will discuss this topic, inshaAllah, in more detail in season two. But I just wanted to mention these points, given that the topic is being discussed in this episode. If you would like to talk to me about this, if you feel that.. I really hope that you can trust me. If you are a survivor or if you are willing to talk about this, if you want to get this off of your chest, you can email me any time, and I am here to listen, to read, to help you out, inshaAllah, in whatever way I can. Please reach out to me through the email: awaybeyondtherainbow@gmail.com   

Waheed:   1:19:30
And with this, we have come to the end of today's episode. So far, in the last episode and in this episode, we have covered the big topic of the genesis of same-sex attractions. We have covered the roles of genetics, temperamental predisposition, family dynamics, the homo-emotional wounds and the hetero-emotional wounds. We have spoken about poor peer relations and the masculinity/ femininity inferiority complexes, body alienation, as well as the roles of society and culture and abuse and other factors in the development of SSA It's very important to repeat the idea that these are a constellation of factors, as we mentioned in last week's episode, you know, think of them as individual variables where the sum of them is larger than the individual parts. They are a group of confounding variables where, the more someone has them, the more the likelihood to develop SSA. And it's very important to also note that it depends on the individual, their life's experiences, and no two cases of same-sex attractions are alike. In the next episode, inshaAllah, my dear friend Fares is joining me, and we will be revisiting the topic of shame in relation to same-sex attractions, we will talk about the psychological defenses that we exhibit, as well as some characteristics and traits that are relevant to the homosexual condition. I would like to end this episode with the following quote by Jeanne McElvaney, who said "We aren't the weeds in the crack of life, we're the strong, amazing flowers that found a way to grow in the most challenging conditions." You have been listening to "A Way Beyond the Rainbow" with Waheed Jensen. I hope and pray that you have a wonderful week ahead. Please stay safe, please stay healthy. I would love to hear from you, inshaAllah, when you have time. Please stay in touch. And I look forward to talking to you with my dear friend Fares, inshaAllah, in next week's episode. Until then, take care. Assalamu alaikom wa rahmatullahi wabarakatuh.