Waheed 00:37
Assalamu alaikom warahmatullahi ta’ala wabarakatuh, and welcome to a new episode of “A Way Beyond the Rainbow”, this podcast series dedicated to Muslims experiencing same-sex attractions who want to live a life true to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and Islam. I'm your host, Waheed Jensen, and thank you for joining us in today's episode. Joining me again in today's episode is my dear friend Aadam, assalamu alaikom Aadam!
Aadam 00:58
Wa alaikom assalam! How are you, Waheed?
Waheed 01:02
Alhamdulillah, I'm doing very well. How are you, you Scottish pumpkin pie?!
Aadam 01:10
Hahaha! I'm doing good, alhamdulillah.
Waheed 01:12
Alhamdulillah. As you guys remember, in the previous two episodes, Aadam joined me and we spoke about self-discipline. And today and in the next episode, we will wrap up this season with the topic of self-esteem, inshaAllah. This has been the longest season of the podcast, subhan Allah, but the episodes - I mean, the topics have been very relevant, they're very important. We went through topics like self-awareness, complex trauma, healing from complex trauma, inner child work and reparenting, emotional dependency, codependency, attachments, and setting boundaries. And then we went into the topics on sexual recovery like sexual ethics and gender norms, masturbation, pornography and sex addictions and sexual abuse. And then, as you guys remember, we talked about self-discipline, and now we're wrapping everything up with self-esteem.
The reason we chose to end this season with the topic on self-esteem is because it's a very important topic. As we said in the previous two episodes, when we talk about the recovery and the healing journey, it's very important to talk about self-discipline and self-esteem, because they, in and of themselves, are part and parcel of the recovery journey, but they're also tangible outcomes that we can experience when we overcome a lot of the traumas and the personal issues that we deal with, when we overcome a lot of addictions, we will find ourselves more inclined to develop self-discipline, and our self-esteem as a result improves, inshaAllah. So, for many of us who struggle with self-esteem, those two episodes, inshaAllah, we hope will be very beneficial to help dissect what self-esteem is, what impacts self-esteem and how we can build a healthy self-esteem, inshaAllah.
Aadam 03:09
A good place to start is probably by defining what we mean by self-esteem. In the book, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by the author and psychotherapist Nathaniel Branden, self-esteem is described as being made of two components. So the first is, “1. Confidence in our ability to think, confidence in our ability to cope with the basic challenges of life, and 2. Confidence in our right to be successful and happy. The feeling of being worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our needs and wants, achieve our values, and enjoy the fruits of our efforts.” So the basic pattern of self-esteem can be described as being cyclical. In its essence self-esteem is trust in one's own mind and that one is worthy of being happy. This belief, or the lack of it, will impact how we act, and our actions feed the beliefs that we hold about who we are. So, generally speaking, people of high self-esteem will act in ways that reinforce the trust they have with themselves and their worthiness, therefore feeding a virtuous cycle reinforcement, and those of low self-esteem, the opposite is true. The more trust we have with ourselves, the more we will act in ways that affirm that trust; the less trust we have, the less we will act in ways that affirm that trust. The more worthy we feel, the more we will act in ways that affirm that worth; and the less worthy we feel, the less we will act in ways that affirm that worth.
Waheed 04:38
Brilliant! And I think that a lot of us would relate to that, subhan Allah. And as Aadam mentioned, the main reference used in this episode is the book The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden, and we will add that book in the episode description for you guys to check out, inshaAllah.
But you know, you're speaking of worthiness, the worthier we feel, the more we will act in ways that affirm our self-worth and vice versa - it just reminds us of the topics that we discussed previously in previous seasons, particularly the ones related to shame, and when we always brought up Brené Brown. She always talks about the people who are wholehearted, who live their life from a place of wholeheartedness, they believe that they are intrinsically worthy, right? And we, as Muslims, believe that all humans are intrinsically worthy, because Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala created us, and He created us from a place of worthiness. He breathed into us from His own spirit, He crafted us with His Own Hands, and He made us sacred beings. And, you know, we seek our confidence, our sense of self-confidence from Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, and our self-esteem comes from our relationship to Him. Also, in addition to that spiritual element, there's also an individual component of self-esteem, as you have been mentioning - this idea of feeling worthy, you know, “I am worthy”, to adopt a position or a perspective of self-compassion is very important, which, in and of itself, kind of feeds into the whole theme of self-confidence and self-esteem as well.
Some of you might be thinking right now: self-esteem vs. self-confidence, what's the difference? They both overlap, but they're essentially different. Self-esteem means how you view yourself, how much you value and appreciate yourself, while self-confidence means believing in yourself and your abilities to accomplish particular tasks, despite the difficulties and adversities that you may face. And these are all learned skills, of course. Again, going back to our Islamic framework, and the themes that we've been talking about this season, you know, this holistic approach of focusing on the mind and the body and the heart and the spirit and the social connections, we will find a lot of secular material out there that focuses on “self-reliance”, there is a lot of emphasis on the self, and the self becomes the center, it's all about “me, myself and I, which, in one way or another, inflates the ego, right? What Aadam and I are going to do in these two episodes is to kind of frame the material on self-esteem and self-confidence from a God-conscious perspective and use the same tools, but keeping Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, first, front and center. The model is that of a God-based confidence. We remember Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala in all our efforts, we seek His help, we realize that we are powerless without Him subhanahu wa ta’ala. Our strength comes from Allah, we cannot achieve anything without Him, obviously. And with Him on our side, inshaAllah, we derive our ability to accomplish tasks, despite the adversity that we may experience, which is self-confidence (going back to the definition). And through Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, we derive our sense of value and appreciation, which is self-esteem, in that regard. And we realize that our worthiness comes from Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, because He created us as worthy beings to worship Him, and to be His vicegerents and servants on Earth.
So, keeping all of this in mind, this model also focuses on our essential self, the fitrah that we've been talking about throughout this season that is in harmony with Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. And this fitrah, or the essential authentic self, lives authentically and operates on internal validation, rather than external validation and being reactive to other people. Rather, the sense of validation comes from that intrinsic worthiness that we have. And at the core of all of that is self-care, which provides us with balance and barakah (blessings) from a holistic approach. And remember when we spoke about the bio-psycho-social-spiritual approach, we focus on that rather than engaging in self-neglect, or deriving worthiness from being able to do things or achieve things (i.e. being human doings rather than human beings). We're not going to go there.
It's important to realize that having self-confidence also does not mean arrogance. Sometimes we conflate the two together. Arrogance means “I am better than other people”. That's not what we're talking about. And sometimes people confuse self-confidence with being happy with where you are and becoming stagnant, or being proud of yourself and thinking that it's all from you. But rather, it's all from Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, whatever we have, whatever we've achieved, our sense of self-worth, everything that we have is all from Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, right? So, again, it's not about bragging or praising ourselves, being impulsive or defensive when other people criticize us, or being dominant when we are in a group, etc. All of this is not connected to self-esteem or self confidence in any way. It's more about being open-minded, humble and disciplined.
Think about it: When we say the word “self-esteem”, part of “self-esteem” is “esteem”, right? When we say, “We regard someone with high esteem”, it means that we like that person, we look up to that person, we honor that person. So if you want to think about self-esteem, it’s actually a reflection of how you relate to yourself. So the question that we want to ask you right now is: How do you view yourself? Whatever tips we are going to give will not work if you cannot view yourself in high esteem. And, again, we're not saying with arrogance, but rather with respect, love and care. If you really like yourself, how different would your life be? We go around life seeking validation and trying so hard to make other people like us, thinking that that is when things are going to be okay. But the right attitude is going through life knowing that we like ourselves, regardless whether others like us or not, knowing that we are worthy and loved by Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, regardless of people. And, again, it's not about arrogance, it's not about feeling that we are better than other people, or that we are proud of ourselves or any of that – no! It's by recognizing that our sense of self-worth and esteem comes from Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, and we are dutiful to Him.
Bottom line is: Keep Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala front and center, and this is our litmus test to decide whether our confidence is true spiritual confidence, or ego-driven arrogance. So this is our litmus test: Where does Allah stand in terms of all of that? Who am I pleasing when I do this or say that? Who do I really care about in the process? If people see me differently or even think less of me, will that really matter? You know, think of the Prophet (PBUH) and the Sahabah (companions of the Prophet (PBUH)), everything that they've been through, everything that they've accomplished, and all the righteous predecessors, and all of the righteous believers from the beginning of time. When our litmus test is Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and not people, the whole paradigm changes. So, this is kind of an introduction to the whole topic, and I hope that we can all keep it in mind, inshaAllah.
Aadam 12:17
The impact of self-esteem can't be underestimated. It impacts every aspect of our lives: From the relationships we have, their quality, how we engage at school, in the workplace, with other people, our friendships, romantic relationships, family life, our ability to push through difficult times, our resilience, and the list can just keep going on and on. All of this impacts the sense of happiness we experience in life. And Nathaniel Branden talks about this in his book, he says, “There are positive correlations between healthy self-esteem and a variety of other traits that bear directly on our capacity for achievement and for happiness. Healthy self-esteem correlates with rationality, realism, intuitiveness, creativity, independence, flexibility, ability to manage change, willingness to admit (and correct) mistakes, benevolence, and cooperativeness. Poor self-esteem correlates with irrationality, blindness to reality, rigidity, fear of the new and unfamiliar, inappropriate conformity or inappropriate rebelliousness, defensiveness, overcompliant or overcontrolling behavior, and fear of or hostility toward others. We shall see that there is a logic to these correlations. The implications for survival, adaptiveness and personal fulfillment are obvious. Self-esteem is life supporting and life enhancing.” Subhan Allah.
So it's evident that the importance of self-esteem on the outcomes in our life is vitally important. When we trust ourselves and feel we are worthy of all that life has to offer, we will act like that. And when we don't trust ourselves and feel unworthy, we will act in ways to protect ourselves and deny ourselves the opportunity to actually experience life. Higher self-esteem individuals can be seen to be more daring, courageous, and ambitious in expressing who they are and what they want from life. And on the flip side, lower self-esteem individuals typically will aspire to less, and therefore are less likely to achieve what they want. Both paths self-reinforce and self-perpetuate the beliefs that are held about those individuals.
And in relationships, we attract to those and are drawn to those who have similar self-esteem as our own. Nathaniel Branden says, “We tend to feel most comfortable, most ‘at home’, with persons whose self-esteem level resembles our own.” And I think if we perhaps self-assess a bit here and perhaps look at our friendship circles, people that we are intimate with and close to, we might actually realize that that's true, subhan Allah. When we do reflect on our own lives, we might begin to see why we made or are making the choices that we have done based on how we felt about ourselves, our efficacy in life and our worthiness. And as we're beginning to learn of the way self-esteem functions, it’s probably becoming more evident that healthy self-esteem is a need. If I elaborate on this, we can define a need as that which is required for effective functioning. So, for example, we need food and water; without them, we will starve and die eventually, these are needs. We have nutritional needs also, we need the right amounts of vitamins, minerals, protein and carbohydrates to be healthy and fit. When our food intake is imbalanced, it will impact our well-being. And self-esteem is similar to nutrients in this way. When we lack it, we may not necessarily die, but we will not function at our best. And that is incredibly important to understand here. Our ability to function will be hindered or impaired. And to quote Nathaniel Branden again, “To say that self-esteem is a need is to say: That it makes an essential contribution to the life process; That it is indispensable to normal and healthy development; That it has survival value.” Inadequate self-esteem may result in us making choices in life that don't serve us well at all. We may find ourselves in bad relationships, making poor career choices, having an unbalanced diet, dependent on substances or activities to self soothe, i.e. addictions, desire for approval and validation from others, lack of self-love, and so on. Low self-esteem is about avoiding pain as opposed to experiencing joy in life. And this is why healthy self-esteem can be considered the immune system of the consciousness. And, again, to quote Nathaniel Branden, “High-self-esteem people can surely be knocked down by an excess of troubles, but they are quicker to pick themselves up again.”
It must also be said that so much of our self-esteem is very much within our own grasp and control. We have the ability to think, acknowledge, ignore or deny, affirm, and so on. In other words, we have the ability to use our minds to become more conscious, or to turn away from consciousness.
Waheed 17:28
Absolutely, beautifully said, subhan Allah. Again, you know, as I mentioned a little bit earlier, some people may confuse healthy self-esteem with arrogance and pride and ostentation and the like, and this is incorrect. Having a healthy self-esteem means we don't feel the need to prove our worth to others, because we are secure in that knowledge within ourselves. Those who act in arrogant and ostentatious ways and who have an inflated self-image, they actually have low self-esteem, since they feel the need to prove themselves and their worth. Remember when Aadam and I spoke about complex trauma way back when, at the beginning of this season, we said that a lot of people who struggle with pain and fear have an activated survival brain, you know, the fight-flight-freeze response. For many people who act in these ways, being arrogant or full of pride and stuff, it just shows you that there's a lot of insecurities, and whenever you tap into their insecurities, they're the first people to either fight you or run away from you or even freeze. So that's one thing to take into account. Having a healthy self-esteem means that you're actually confident in what Allah has given you, you feel your sense of self-worth, you're confident in that, and you're doing the best that you can. And you are aware of that. And it doesn't really matter whether people realize that or not about you. That’s not really in the equation.
Again, where does my self-worth come from? I'd say our litmus test is where Allah stands in all of this. Our self-worth comes from Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. Am I confident? Yes, because I am doing this for Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, I can achieve what I can achieve, because I ask for His help and support in the process, and I'm doing my best, I'm learning and I'm having tawakkul, and I'm taking all the necessary measures, and I derive my esteem from Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, my relationship with Him, and the fact that I'm created worthy, and I'm doing the best I can. And seeking support in the process.
So, speaking about secure people versus insecure ones, again, insecure people may find high self-esteem individuals intimidating or uncomfortable to be around, and this is something that I think resonates with a lot of us who struggle with insecurities. Sometimes we may resent or dislike that particular thing about people who have high self-esteem, we may resent that about them, or we may hate them without having a tangible reason. Similarly, when we talk about men, you know, insecure men would feel this way around secure and confident women, so this is quite a common example. And then when we feel like nothing that we do is ever enough, no amount of external achievement or validation is going to satiate our insecurity. And this is something that we need to internalize, and it might be a bitter pill to swallow for a lot of us. If we are not secure in and of ourselves, if we feel that no matter what we do, we are not good enough - which is the definition of shame - no amount of external validation, attention and personal achievement is going to satiate our insecurity. And to quote Nathaniel Branden, he says, “If my aim is to prove that I am ‘enough’, the project goes on to infinity - because the battle was already lost on the day I conceded the issue was debatable.” And I love that, because it really makes so much sense, subhan Allah.
This is why high achievers in society are known to express a lack of satisfaction with their lives, because, fundamentally, they do not feel worthy. They have low self-esteem. It doesn't mean that people who are high achievers all struggle with self-esteem, but, generally, people who want to achieve for the sake of achievement, to attain external validation, it just shows you that there's an internal sense of insecurity and low self-esteem. So, you know, it's also important to balance this conversation and to say that self-esteem is one component of what contributes to a happy and fulfilled life. And as we discussed in, again, previous episodes on complex trauma, there are many factors and levers that we must engage with in order to fuel self-worth, joy, health and well-being. While working on self-esteem is important, and it can alter our lives, it must be taken in the context of our real life circumstances, you know, where we live, our own freedoms and rights as individuals and communities, our different personalities and temperaments, our trauma histories, our emotional intelligence, our family environments, and so on and so forth.
And while we may talk about self-esteem in absolute terms, it's also important to notice that life is dynamic, as are we. We may feel more worthy or competent in certain aspects of life, or we may demonstrate the experience of high self-esteem, while in other aspects of life, it might actually be the opposite. So, it's important to be open-minded and think flexibly in terms of that. So, to sum up, in a formal definition, self-esteem, according to Nathaniel Branden, is “the disposition to experience oneself as competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and as worthy of happiness.”
Aadam 22:51
So as we've discussed, self-esteem is impacted by what we do or don't do, how we act basically. Therefore, to begin talking about the pillars of self-esteem, we must emphasize the role of ourselves in building self-esteem. We must be an active and willing participant in this process. And I think we've talked about this during the complex trauma episodes as well, that we must be engaged within the process of anything that we do in life, we can’t be passive. Self-esteem comes from within us, as we've touched on before, and not from outside. It is in our control and capacity to improve or harm our self-esteem. Now, whilst there are many external factors that contribute to self-esteem, or the purposes of this episode, we're going to focus on the individual and their role in generating a positive self-esteem and sustaining it.
The pillars of self-esteem that we will present call upon us to raise our consciousness in every waking moment. And we've talked about this at length throughout this season. They’re more accurately described as practices than one-off events, these pillars of self-esteem. We must be aware, engaged, and choose to act in ways that supports our self-esteem. These pillars require consistency and commitment, just as we've talked about before through the self-discipline episodes, and we may be called to act in unhelpful ways based on our conditioning. Learning how to nurture self-esteem and sustain it will take time and effort; patience is necessary. So everything we're going to talk about requires a long-term approach; there are no short term wins, it's about being consistent over a long period of time, and then reaping the benefits. And, again, the goal is not perfection in these practices, it's simply to seek to improve on where we are, such that our average level of performance in these areas results in an improvement to our self-esteem, so the net benefit we can see, even if all we're doing is changing things marginally. So, we've been talking about the pillars of self-esteem, and you're probably wondering what they are, so I'll just run through them now. The six pillars or practices are: The practice of living consciously, the practice of self-acceptance, the practice of self-responsibility, the practice of self-assertiveness, the practice of living purposefully, and the practice of personal integrity.
Waheed 25:29
Absolutely. Aadam and I are going to go through them one by one in this episode to kind of elaborate on what each one entails. So the first one is the practice of living consciously. Almost every spiritual tradition talks about the importance of awareness or consciousness, and we've talked about this in previous episodes throughout this season, the importance of consciousness, self-awareness, conscious awareness and all of that. And its importance applies to self-esteem as well as many other aspects of our well-being. Consciousness is important, because it's the difference between being aware of and in alignment with reality, versus not being aware of or being aligned with reality. Through being consciously aware, we can make choices that serve our life, our survival, and how we thrive in life. And, as human beings, we're unique in that we can choose to exert our ability to be conscious, it's not something that is a given. We can choose to become aware of reality and the facts and the events that surround us, or we can choose to dial down the light of our consciousness.
A lot of us flip into autopilot mode, the subconscious drive, which kind of takes over most of our lives. And it takes actually conscious awareness, to switch from the subconscious to the conscious. And we've been talking a lot about the subconscious, the monkey mind and the betrayal of the mind. So, common examples, “I know I'm not giving my job my best, but I don't want to think about it. I don't want to be consciously thinking about that.” “I know there are signs our business is falling into worse and worse trouble, but what we've done worked in the past, didn't it? Anyway, the whole subject is upsetting, and maybe if I sit tight the situation we resolve itself somehow.” These are examples that Nathaniel Branden gives in his book. Or like a father/parent saying, “I know my children suffer from having so little of me, I know I am causing hurt and resentment, but one day, somehow, I will change.” It's by being in that comfort zone and repeating the same patterns over and over, the same subconscious patterns that you've been used to, instead of deconstructing those patterns and being consciously aware of what's happening, of those drives, and trying to make a change. This is what it means to live consciously, right?
So, living consciously means that we respect the facts of life, including our feelings and emotions and needs and wants. It also means acknowledging and accepting that our emotions are not infallible guide to the truth. And for those of you who have been following this season from the beginning, we've been talking over and over again about the importance of sitting with your emotions and experiencing them, acknowledging them, allowing them to exist and asking what they are trying to tell us, because at the end of the day, they're messengers. To summarize this, again, it's about not running away from these things, but rather trying to ask ourselves the difficult questions of: What does this tell me? And where do I need to direct my attention? So in practical terms, Nathaniel Branden summarizes what living consciously entails. So that entails, for example, “A mind that is active rather than passive. An intelligence that takes joy in its own function. Being “in the moment” without losing the wider context. Reaching out towards relevant facts rather than withdrawing from them. Being concerned to distinguish among facts versus interpretations versus emotions. Noticing and confronting our impulses to avoid or deny painful or threatening realities. Being concerned to know where I am relative to my various personal and professional goals and projects, and whether I am succeeding or failing. Being concerned to know if my actions are in alignment with my purposes. Searching for feedback from the environment so as to adjust or correct my course when necessary. Persevering in the attempt to understand in spite of difficulties. Being receptive to new knowledge and willing to re-examine old assumptions. Being willing to see and correct mistakes. Seeking always to expand awareness - a commitment to learning - therefore, a commitment to growth as a way of life. A concern to understand the world around me. A concern to know not only external reality, but also internal reality, the reality of my own needs, feelings, aspirations and motives, so that I am not a stranger or a mystery to myself. A concern to be aware of the values that move and guide me, as well as their roots, so that I am not ruled by values I have irrationally adopted or uncritically accepted from others.” So these are examples of what living consciously entails, and I think that they're very practical and they’re food for thought. And we invite you to kind of think about where you stand in terms of these issues, and to what extent you're actually living consciously in your daily life. And this is definitely a fundamental aspect of self-esteem.
Aadam 31:08
I think also just to add quickly, when you listen to those, one thing that stands out is this idea of humility and not allowing the ego to stop you from doing those things, because, quite often, those things are not possible because of our egos. And so, you know, being conscious requires us to do what we talked about in the last couple of episodes about the ego, discipline and about being aware of our intentions, our values, and all these things. So it all ties in together, like even though we're looking at these separately, all of these are all just parts of a whole.
Waheed 31:52
Absolutely, 100%, Very well said, jazak Allah khairan. And when we talk about living consciously, we have to also talk about addictions, because, in their very nature, they’re coping mechanisms and numbing behaviors. We resort to numbing behaviors in order to numb the pain or escape a particular reality, which, in and of itself, means “I am escaping a particular event or reality in my life, I'm dialing down my consciousness in order to escape feeling difficult emotions.” So, a lot of us are afraid of our emotions, and we're afraid they might overwhelm us, and we would be unable to cope. And so we resort to numbing behaviors or substances. In other words, consciousness may actually be seen as the enemy. But it's actually part and parcel of the healing and recovery journey, as well as developing self-esteem. So, again, as Aadam was saying, these things take patience, they take time, so the practice to become more conscious is best taken step-by-step, and in one area of our lives at a time. Most people find themselves to be more conscious in particular areas than other areas in their lives. The important thing is that we work towards raising our consciousness at a pace that is suitable to where we are in our lives and in our individual journeys. So, this is the first pillar of self-esteem, which is the practice of living consciously.
Aadam 33:22
And the second pillar of self-esteem is the practice of self-acceptance. And it's important to start off by saying that self-esteem without self-acceptance is impossible. I can attest to this, subhan Allah! They are intertwined in such a way that they are inseparable but distinct at the same time. They're not the same thing, and it's important to understand the difference. So self-esteem is something we experience whereas self-acceptance is something we do. Nathaniel Branden offers a very simple definition for self-acceptance, and he says, “Stated in the negative, self-acceptance is my refusal to be in an adversarial relationship to myself.” And I love this, because it's very - the negation, the words to say, “I refuse to be an adversary to myself, to be at war with myself”, it's actually really powerful. I remember the first time I read this, it struck me, and it's stuck with me ever since. And I hope that, if this is the first time you're hearing this, that it has the same effect, and inshaAllah, you know, I hope that it does and helps you to change your life, if it's something you've struggled with, which, I think, all of us have at some point.
Waheed 34:47
100%, yeah, for sure. I think that all of us relate to that, you know, kind of being your friend, your own personal friend, rather than your own enemy.
Aadam 34:58
Yeah. So there are three levels to self-acceptance that we must be aware of, and I'll go through each of them. The first one, level one, to be on your own side, to be for yourself, first and foremost. Now, I'm not saying this to be arrogant, or, you know, greedy, this is just about being on your own side, being for yourself, looking after yourself. If you look after yourself, and you're well looked after, you can then offer things to the rest of the world – it doesn't work the other way around, I'm afraid. It's to value yourself and to be committed to your existence in life. It's more primitive than self-esteem; the first principle is the foundation. And some of us, you know, we've already talked about this, but some of us are so self-rejecting that no amount of growth work can actually happen until we address this issue of self-acceptance. So, at the most basic level, self-acceptance is to say, “I choose to value myself, to treat myself with respect, to stand up for my right to exist.” “This primary act of self-affirmation is the base on which self-esteem develops”, and that's a direct quote from the book, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. It is that foundational. You can try and do all the other work that you want to do, but unless you get to the place of baseline acceptance of where you are, you can cannot move forward from that point. One could say it's selfishness in the noblest meaning of the word. So, if people hear this and our thinking, “Oh, this sounds really selfish!” Maybe you're right, but it's actually the most noble form of that, if we were to describe it in that way. This is not one that is self-serving, this is about just taking care of one's own existence, respecting the life that Allah has given you, realizing that Allah has given you esteem, just by virtue of the fact that you exist. That's what this is. And if self-acceptance dies, self-esteem dies. So this is absolutely foundational, this is level one, this idea of being for yourself is the foundation upon which we rest as humans.
Level two is our willingness to experience, without denial or evasion, our thoughts as our own, our feelings as our own, our desires as our own, our actions as our own, and what we are. Now, that's quite a big statement, subhan Allah. and I think, depending on where you are in your journey, that might sound very triggering, because you're perhaps struggling with those very things, thoughts, feelings, desires, actions, etc. So this is, again, experiencing things without denial or evasion, things are as they are, our feelings are as they are, our desires are as they are, our actions are as they are. And we are what we are. It’s the refusal to regard any part of ourselves or our experiences as “not me”. We can't deny what is. Remember, if we go back to self-esteem, we have to work with the reality of things and facts; to be in the opposite is counterproductive. It’s to experience ourselves completely and accept ourselves as such. We may not always like or enjoy our experience as humans, and I'm sure we all know this, but we have to accept it. Acceptance and subjective like or dislike of a thing are not connected. So, we can accept something and appreciate it, or accept the thing and despise it; regardless, we respect reality and the facts, which ties back to self-esteem.
Waheed 38:51
Exactly. So, some people tell you like, “Do I have to like it for me to accept it?” No, you just accept it, regardless whether you like it or not, you just surrender. I mean, part of it is surrender, knowing that, “Okay, Allah has put me in this situation, Allah gave me this trial, whatever events that I have in my life, and these things are outside my control, and I accept them, because they're outside my control.” Sometimes we keep on fighting with things that are beyond our control, because we don't like them to happen the way that they are happening, or because we don't want them in our lives and whatever. And this just keeps on becoming a vicious cycle that feeds on itself, as opposed to us, you know, just accepting things that are, and doing the things that we can to change things that are within our control, and whatever is beyond our control is beyond our control. Remember, in the previous episodes on self-esteem, we talked about the dichotomy of control. So that's a very important concept to take into account.
Aadam 39:47
Yeah, it’s very important, it’s essential. This is something I think a lot of people struggle with in the SSA community. And it's something that we need to wrap our heads around, because it's very different. It’s one thing to say “I accept my experience as it is, I don't have control over it” versus saying “This is something that I love/like/want to act upon, etc.”, those are very different. So we just need to make that distinction, because it's the difference between being able to actually progress and not. So this is critical, if you're listening, this is very important. So, take time to wrap your head around this, because you might have had those two things joined together, and it's about separating them and getting to a much, much better place inshaAllah. And if we keep going along that line of thinking; for example, if we think disturbing thoughts, we can think them and accept that they're there, we don't have to like them, nor do we need to act upon them. But we accept them, because they exist.
Our denial or evasion of facts doesn't make a thing false. Putting your head in the sand doesn't work, it's not a good strategy. So many people, so many of us live in near constant friction to the truth, that our self-esteem is in tatters. You cannot deny what is, our consciousness will not allow us to escape the consequences of denying the truth. This is so important, and I think there's a lot of people in a lot of pain for this very reason, subhan Allah. It’s because we're running away from what is, and we cannot escape it. In addition, we cannot change undesirable circumstances or experiences, unless we're willing to accept them into our psyche as being true. So we can't change what we deny exists to start with, and at the same time, we cannot forgive what we will not acknowledge needs to be forgiven. So, it's very, very important. If this has been triggering for you, or it’s very difficult, or it’s been a mind twister, just take your time with this, and just sit with it for a while, because it is really big, and it's a huge shift.
Waheed 41:57
Absolutely. And I love how you mentioned earlier that a big aspect of this is humility, because, at the end of the day, if you think about it from a spiritual perspective, is it Allah or the ego? Really, because it boils down to this or that. If we are refusing to accept certain things, it's because the ego is taking charge. We're not surrendering that. And this is difficult, we're not saying that surrender is easy. But if we're really honest with ourselves, is it Allah or the ego? And if we accept things as they are, meanwhile taking charge of what we can change, then that's a different story, as opposed to when the ego is taking charge, and we are running away from reality or tough emotions, or we’re refusing to accept reality, and so on. So just keep this in mind as well.
Aadam 42:50
Yeah. And the third level of the practice of self-acceptance (so we've covered two, the third one is the last one), this level involves the idea of compassion to self and being a friend to oneself. So we've touched on this in this episode already, but again, this is coming up. So, we may act in ways that are morally incorrect. Compassion here does not seek to make right what is wrong; it seeks to understand why and the context for an action. I'm going to say that again, compassion here does not seek to make right what is wrong, it seeks to understand why, the context for an action. Nathaniel Brandon says, “Accepting, compassionate interest does not encourage undesired behavior but reduces the likelihood of it recurring.” And I think we mentioned this in the last episode as well, that studies have shown that people who are self-rejecting and self-hating struggled to change behaviors or aspects of themselves, whereas those who are more compassionate have much higher success rates. I think one of the barriers that people have, when it comes to this, is having self-compassion, that they actually believe that being self-rejecting is what will keep them from doing the thing that they're trying to avoid. And so they're almost like “We need to punish ourselves in order to stop”, which can’t be further from the truth. We can’t understand ourselves or others unless we inquire as to the circumstances that actually drove those behaviors or those actions, and there's always a context in which actions take place. It doesn't make them right, but we can't understand without being compassionately inquisitive about them. So it's entirely possible to condemn a wrong action but maintain compassion to oneself and even others. This is really odd for a lot of us, subhan Allah, and myself included, this can be very difficult, but it's very nuanced, and in my mind, I see it as a higher level of spirituality, to be able to witness a wrong and to deal with the consequences of it, but still think of having compassion to understand why.
Waheed 45:18
Exactly, and not just with ourselves - with ourselves, it’s very important - but also with others. And, you know, speaking to families, parents, Imams or community leaders: You can condemn a wrong action but maintain compassion to other people in the process. These two are not mutually exclusive.
Aadam 45:37
Yeah. When self-acceptance feels impossible, we simply acknowledge the resistance we feel towards and accept that it's there. So, if I feel that there's a resistance to accepting something, what is the antidote? It's basically just to acknowledge that there's resistance. So, we can't fight resistance with resistance, you can't deny that the resistance is there to start with, that will just make it worse. So the acknowledgement is the first part, and that's how we can start to melt that existence that we're experiencing.
Waheed 46:10
Yeah, for sure. So, in other words, it's about conscious awareness. Again, it boils down to just being aware of whatever you're feeling, whatever emotions or thoughts you're having, whatever kinds of resistance you're experiencing, and just letting them be and accepting them, and they will dissipate on their own, which is a theme that we've been mentioning a lot. And for those of you who have been practicing meditation, they have come to really tangibly experience that on a visceral level, subhan Allah.
Aadam 46:36
Yeah, subhan Allah. And for those of us who are going through difficult emotions, Nathaniel Branden offers advice on how to experience and accept those feelings. He says in his book, “The act of experiencing and accepting our emotions is implemented through (1) focusing on the feeling or emotion, (2) breathing gently and deeply, allowing muscles to relax, allowing the feeling to be felt, and (3) making real that this is my feeling (which we call owning it).” This is so similar to what we've talked about already.
It’s possible to deny our virtues and positives as much as we do the parts of us that we dislike, this is equally harmful and not in alignment with the truth. So, lots of us play down our strengths, for whatever reason: We think it’s, or we're just not used to taking credit for the good that we do…
Waheed 47:27
Or we over fixate on the negatives and forget about the positives.
Aadam 47:30
Right, yes, exactly. We own the good we do, and, as Muslims, we thank Allah for the ability to be able to do good. And there's nothing arrogant in this whatsoever. In fact, this is the height of recognizing that the Divine (Allah) is the Source of all things.
Waheed 47:46
Exactly. And we thank Him, and by practicing gratitude, we actually express thanks to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, and we manifest positivity in our lives. Alhamdulillah.
Aadam 47:53
Yes. And Nathaniel Branden says on this, “We can be as frightened of our assets as our shortcomings - as frightened of our genius, ambition, excitement, or beauty as of emptiness, passivity, depression or unattractiveness. If our liabilities pose the problem of inadequacy, our assets pose the challenge of responsibility.” And he also says, in the section on the practice of self-acceptance, “We can run away from things that call for the proper awakening of the hero within us, or that ask that we punch through to a higher level of knowing and consciousness, and in so doing, access a higher ground of integrity. The most serious crime that we commit against ourselves is not denying or wholly disowning our shortcomings, but rather denying or disowning our greatness… because the latter frightens us. Perhaps, we are so afraid of the greatness that we are capable of, as it reminds us that we have failed to do enough to raise our standard. We have chosen to give into our circumstances, rather than striving to deliberately influence them and change them so that they benefit us. The initial steps of healing and steady growth are awareness and acceptance… Consciousness and integration.”
Waheed 49:23
Subhan Allah. This hits home. I mean, as you were reading those words, subhan Allah. This is so true!
Aadam 49:29
Yeah, absolutely. love this book, it's such a good book, and there's so much balance, nuance and truth inside of it. It's such a good text for us to have used for this episode.
Waheed 49:43
Alhamdulillah. And we definitely encourage everyone to read the book, it's very helpful. And the third pillar of self-esteem is called the practice of self-responsibility. So what is self-responsibility? In order to feel competent and worthy in life, we must be able to exert control over our lives, right? Self-responsibility is the act of taking responsibility for our actions, the attainment of our goals, our well-being and life in general. It's by internalizing the idea that: “I am responsible for the achievement of what I aim for, no one owes me anything. If I have goals and wishes, it's up to me to discover how to meet them. If I do not take responsibility for achieving them, then they are not desires, but they are daydreams.” “I am responsible for my choices and actions”, this is another idea that we need to take into account. “I am responsible for my choices and actions, my choices and actions are mine, I am their source, and therefore I own responsibility for them and their consequences.” And this is taking responsibility.
Another aspect is the level of consciousness that we bring to our work, our studies, the people that we meet, etc. I can choose to operate with a high level of consciousness here, or a low one, or somewhere in between, whether it's in the office, or at college, or it's with friends, family, etc. I am responsible for the level of consciousness that I bring to my relationships. Am I present with others? Am I present to what is being said? Am I aware of how I impact other people? I am responsible for my behaviors with other people, for the promises and the commitments that I make, for how I speak and how I listen. I am responsible for how I prioritize my time. You know, if I say I want to get fit but spend no time working on getting fit, then I am irresponsible to these goals and wishes. And so many other examples of taking responsibility for the things that we do, that we think, how we behave, how we interact with other people, and so on and so forth.
And Nathaniel mentions this idea that “no one is coming”, which is one of the most important concepts to realize. No one is coming. “If I don't do something, then nothing is going to get better.” I have a choice; Allah has given me capacities that I can exert to make a difference. If I'm not going to do that, then nothing is going to change. You are responsible for your life. And, if you think about it, we are all going to individually stand in front of Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala on the Day of Judgment, and He is going to be asking us about what we have done with the body He gave us, the resources that He has given us, the relationships, the time He has given us, and so on and so forth, right? We alone are responsible for our own lives. It doesn't mean that we don't seek help from others, it doesn't mean that we don't use the resources that Allah has given us, or ask for support. On the contrary, we do that. But at the end of the day, we have a choice. You can choose whether to act or to remain stagnant. So this is what self-responsibility means. It is basically holding yourself to account for the desires and the goals and aspirations and the values that you hold, and how your actions align with them. It is to accept that others are not responsible for our lives in any way. As Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) said, “Hold yourselves accountable before you are held accountable.” This is one thing to take into consideration.
It's very important also that we do not understand this to mean that we are responsible for everything that we experience in life, right? This is false and incredibly damaging, because not everything that happens in our lives and everything that we experience is a direct result of what we do, what we say or what we feel. Some things are beyond our control. Again, we know this, there is much that is outside our control, and for that, we are not responsible. We are only referring to the things that we can control and exert our influence over. And, again, remember the dichotomy of control principle by Epictetus, which we mentioned earlier in the self-discipline episodes. And Nathaniel Branden says, “When you are able to respond to the challenges of life as a healthy, autonomous human being, and not as a victim, then you are responsible when you move away from blaming other people or circumstances for your challenges, then you succeed at being responsible.” Remember when Aadam I spoke about the victim mentality, self-pity and how it's very important to overcome this notion of playing the victim and always being sorry for yourself, which is really detrimental to self-discipline and self-growth. So it all kind of overlaps, and everything's kind of interconnected, subhan Allah.
Aadam 54:29
Yeah, absolutely. The fourth pillar of self-esteem is the practice of self-assertiveness. Now, this is a topic that I have struggled with, and I know lots of people struggle with it, because we have lots of confusion about what assertiveness actually is. Nathaniel Branden very beautifully defines it when he says “Self-assertiveness means honoring my wants, needs and values, and seeking appropriate forms of their expression in reality.” And he continues by saying, “Practicing self-assertiveness is living authentically, and acting and speaking from your innermost feelings and convictions. This should be a way of life, and at its very base; a rule.” I've struggled with assertiveness and thought of it as being something that is obnoxious and self-aggrandizing, etc. But it's really not. It's just about making sure that we can express ourselves appropriately, authentically, in a way that is respectful and not obnoxious. It’s being able to state our differences and disagreements with people. And even if that means that we won't fit in at a particular environment. Self-assertion is not the same as belligerence, arrogance, or narcissistic character traits, which we all don't want to embody. And it's not rebellion either. Self-assertion means to stand up for yourself, to be who we are even when others disapprove, and to treat ourselves with respect in all encounters.
Appropriate self-assertiveness respects and pays attention to context. How we show up when engaging with children will be different to how we interact with our colleagues, our friends and family. This is not to sacrifice authentic expression, but to be aware of our environments and our audience. Whilst context is important when asserting ourselves, we can still choose to be authentic or not, we can choose to be real or not. So it's a very important distinction. The first act of self-assertion is to exercise our consciousness, to think, to inquire, to ask questions, to challenge, to reflect. This is the most basic level. Without adequate reflection and contemplation on the facts of life, we cannot engage with the world with assertiveness. Some people, in an attempt to exercise self-assertiveness, say “no” to situations and opportunities when their interests would be best served by saying “yes”; this type of approach to self-assertiveness can be defensive, knee-jerk and a protection mechanism as opposed to true self-assertiveness. True self-assertiveness is rooted in what we want, not what we don't want, and it’s very important to say this. And, secondly, self-assertiveness is staying committed to the right we have to exist, to take up space, to be known and responsible for our lives. And I will tell you, I have struggled with this my whole life, subhan Allah!
Waheed 57:39
Amen! Same, subhan Allah!
Aadam 57:42
Our life does not belong to others, and nor are we here to live up to the expectations that others have of us. Life is our responsibility, and we assert ourselves in the world with this conviction. Those who don't attend to their deepest needs, wants and desires sometimes develop a selfish approach to smaller aspects of life that can be perceived as petty. In this context, they will attempt to exert self-assertiveness, they will use seemingly trivial issues as a way to regain control that they've been constantly giving up. I don't know if this resonates with anybody, but you might be very pedantic about small issues and cause a fuss about certain things, or small things might trigger a really strong emotional reaction when dealing with other people. I think that's what we're meaning here, it's basically a defense mechanism. “I feel like I'm not being acknowledged or seen, or someone's overstepping a boundary. How do I compensate for that? Well, when a trivial thing happens, I'll just have an outburst!”
Waheed 58:57
Right. Or like, I become picky and over fixate on the black spots as opposed to seeing the bigger picture, so to speak, highlighting failures, making a big fuss, acting like a child, you know, it's all about insecurities at the end of the day.
Aadam 59:17
Yeah, absolutely. And, thirdly, self-assertiveness is to fight for an idea or cause because you believe in it, to gather support and resources to help bring that idea to fruition, to do everything in your power to make it work. Great ideas are just great ideas without the assertion of individuals behind them. Self-assertion will be the difference between, for example, securing funding for a business idea and keeping your idea to yourself and never actually getting started in the first place.
Waheed 59:46
Right. So, what you're trying to say is that self-assertion, in addition to (1) exercising our consciousness and (2) staying committed to the right that we have to exist and to be known and to be responsible for our lives, the third thing is to fight for the ideas or causes that we believe in, and that's the difference between us getting what we want achieved versus not getting them.
Aadam 1:00:09
Yeah, exactly. The same difference between raising our voice, feeling like we deserve to raise our voice, that we deserve to be heard versus staying quiet and never allowing our voice to be heard.
Waheed 1:00:22
Exactly, and not achieving the outcome that we want. And the fourth part of self-assertion is?
Aadam 1:00:28
Finally, it's the willingness to confront challenges of life and strive for mastery. This ongoing process of gently stretching our capacity to cope allows us to expand our self-efficacy and self-respect. We assert our existence by taking on challenges and not shying away. This again ties back to what we talked about in the previous couple of episodes. We expand our capacity and capability to cope with greater stresses that will continue to allow us to grow.
Waheed 1:00:58
Subhan Allah. I love that! There's so much to learn in terms of self-assertion. And I think that these four elements are kind of good for us to keep in mind. So, again, exercising our consciousness; being committed to the right that we have to exist, to take up space, to be known, to be responsible for our lives; to fight for ideas or causes that we believe in; and to be willing to confront the challenges of our lives and to strive for mastery. Love that. For sure.
The fifth pillar of self-esteem is the practice of living purposefully. To live purposefully means having a clear intention to use the power and the resources that Allah has given us to affect our lives in a specific way. We have a purpose, right? Whether that be: Goals of earning a living, or starting a particular business, or, you know, studying, learning to play an instrument, raising a family, learning a new language, whatever it is, we cannot expect to achieve without making it part of our purpose and using our skills and knowledge and resources to make that a reality. This ties into the concept of productivity - productivity is to take our thoughts and to translate them into reality, by acting appropriately to doing that. Again, this all comes from a personal volition to create a meaningful life, to exert responsibility over what we control.
Now, in the process of pursuing our goals, we develop a specialized efficacy in completing that task. This feeds our experience of ourselves as being capable, responsible, competent and able to take goals and to turn them into reality, to take ideas and aspirations and make them tangible outcomes in life. So this is kind of a cycle or a feedback loop that reinforces itself. So, when we pursue our goals, we become more efficient in accomplishing particular tasks, and this, in turn, feeds this idea that we're capable and competent and are able to make our goals a reality. It becomes a very positive reinforcing feedback loop.
And this also applies to our relationships as well, you know, often we neglect relationships, because we do not consider them to require effort or work. But just like everything in life, if you want to have positive results, you need to put in the effort. So the quality of relationships, even the survival of particular relationships relies on the amount of work that we put in them, right? And so, if you want to gauge to what extent you're living purposefully, you can ask yourself, “Why am I doing this? How am I doing this? How can I know if I am succeeding or failing? What is my purpose behind this?” Purposeful living requires self-discipline - again, going back to the previous episodes where Aadam and I spoke about self discipline and building that.
Aadam 1:03:55
It’s just amazing how all of this is just tying into the other, it's so like, weaved in. Subhan Allah. All of it is just so important.
Waheed 1:04:07
Subhan Allah. All of it is interconnected, subhan Allah. So, you know, we need to organize our time and energy and resources to advance in our aspirations and goals. We spoke about goals and aspirations in the previous episode as well. Without all of that, we will struggle to feel competent to deal with the challenges that we're faced with in life, right? It makes sense. In reference to achievements, Nathaniel says, “The root of our self-esteem is not our achievements, but those internally generated practices that, among other things, make it possible for us to achieve.”
Aadam 1:04:43
High five to that! I take that to mean that it's not about the actual achievements; it's about who we become as we strive to reach our goals, aspirations and things. It’s what those processes mold us to become, that's where our self-esteem is. Because those are there forever, while the achievement will last for however long it lasts, and then it's over. And then it's on to the next thing.
Waheed 1:05:15
Yeah, for sure. So it feeds into this idea of focusing on the journey and not the destination, and then showing up and being consistent, which are themes that we've spoken about consistently – ironic! Themes that we've spoken about previously and highlighted, everything is just interconnected. Showing up, being consistent, doing the work as much as you can, and this is what matters at the end of the day. So, again, remember, self-esteem is experienced as a result of what we do or do not do. So, in other words, the outcomes are less important than the habits that we acquire which affirm our competence and worth. That's the gist of it. Knowing that we are capable of rising to the challenges of life, that we are worthy of goodness and happiness, these are byproducts of the actions that we take. The daily habits at the micro-level, things that we automate and are consistent in our lives, they become the fabric of us, all of these tell us who we truly are and what we stand for. And, again, you know, building self-discipline, which we've spoken about earlier, further builds self-esteem. So everything is interconnected and ties so beautifully together.
Aadam 1:06:27
Yeah. And the last pillar of self-esteem is the practice of personal integrity. Last, but certainly not least, the practice of personal integrity forms the final pillar of self-esteem. Integrity is the congruence/alignment of what we say and what we do at the most basic level. And we spoke about this in the previous episodes on self-discipline, it is the correlation between our beliefs, ideals, models, and standards and how we behave in life. Where there's an inconsistency in what we say we are and believe, self-esteem will suffer necessarily. It's a linear formula, if that’s even accurate. Ongoing violation of integrity results in reduced confidence in oneself. And as we accumulate evidence that tells us that we cannot be trusted, this increasingly will damage our self-esteem. So just as we seek to build evidence of our competence of things, if we're doing things that actually tell us the opposite, it will damage how we perceive ourselves.
It’s very important to say this does not mean that we self-abandon. So, remember, self-acceptance is foundational to self-esteem. So even if you're acting in ways that are working against your self-esteem, without accepting the facts, the reality of who we are and how we show up in life, we cannot seek to improve or change. So we never throw self-acceptance out the window, it doesn't happen. In no version of this is that an option, and this is something that, may Allah allow us all to internalize, because we need to keep that in place, so we can actually change the things that we don't like and don't want in our lives. We balance our disappointment in our actions with compassionate loving inquiry as to why we acted as we did, and we commit to trying better next time, learning from each setback or fall. This is the essence of the learning and growing process.
We can assess personal integrity through very simple questions like, “Am I honest, reliable, and trustworthy?”, “Do I keep my promises?”, “Do I do the things I say I will do and avoid the things I say I deplore? Each time we act out of accordance with our personal standards, we go against our own judgment, we betray our mind. In a sense, we reject ourselves. And this is why lack of integrity is so damaging to self-esteem. If we are constantly lecturing others about love, compassion and kindness, yet don't act in accordance with those values ourselves, we go against ourselves. And whilst we might evade the consequences of that type of betrayal for a short time, we can't escape the reality that we have damaged our self-respect. So, when we act one way in public and another in private, we condition ourselves to put more importance on what others think of us than what we do of ourselves.
And in matters of self-esteem, we must fear more what we think of ourselves than what other people do. Remember, this is not about having validation and esteem building from the outside, this is from within out. So what we think and how we see ourselves is more important than how and what the world might have to say. And the ego is the judge within us, from whom there is no escape, we cannot avoid ourselves indefinitely. And this is why, you know, people who do bad things constantly, subhan Allah, they almost switch off a part of themselves. It’s this that they do, they turn off their conscience basically, it enables them to be able to do really terrible things. And this is something that we can't do. We have to be conscious and aware and accept facts for what they are. We don't abandon ourselves ever, we continue to accept and we continue to try and become better, even if our actions are not in alignment with that at that particular moment, and that's really difficult for a lot of people to grasp. There's so much nuance in this. So please take your time and separate these concepts, and reach out to us if you think you're confused. Because a lot of this is a bit of a mind twist, I would say, especially if it's the first time you're hearing it.
Waheed 1:11:10
And I think reading the book and researching more about self-esteem is definitely helpful for us to learn more. And all of the topics that we've spoken about in this journey of healing and recovery, practicing these different themes on a consistent basis, doing the work, it feeds into self-esteem and self-discipline, and putting all of this in action, a lot of the practical advice does make a big difference, subhan Allah. But again, you know, taking it step-by-step, as we said.
So, these are the six pillars of self-esteem, to wrap them up: The practice of living consciously, the practice of self-acceptance, the practice of self-responsibility, the practice of self- assertiveness, the practice of living purposefully, and the practice of personal integrity. Even for those of us who feel that we have little or no self-esteem, we can always start exactly where we are, and we can experience improvements, inshaAllah. We do not have to consider ourselves a person of self-esteem to engage in this work; we start from where we are. As we start practicing all of these pillars and the practical advice in them, our self-esteem will improve, and our practices will become more habitual. What matters is consistency and taking it day-by-day, step-by-step, as much as we can.
And then we develop an awareness of when we start to betray ourselves, or the moments where we lack assertiveness, or we don't live purposefully, or don't live consciously, and so on. We start to actually become more aware of these things in our lives, and that's when these signals become loud and clear, and they give us necessary information for us to start to make corrections in our lives. And this is how we can gauge our growth and be like, “Okay, well, there is a difference in my life!” This is like when someone goes to the gym and they're completely out of shape, it will be hard to start with that baseline, but your body will adapt, and it will strengthen the more that you train and the more that you put in the effort, time, focus and the self-discipline. Again, we're not striving for perfection in these practices, we're never going to be perfect, that's self-defeating. What we care for is to engage daily in those practices, in whatever way we can, to do our best whatever that looks like. And that may change from day to day. So to be flexible in that as well.
1:13:47
And with this, we have come to the end of today's episode, which is part one on self-esteem. We have spoken about the definitions of self-esteem and self-confidence as well as the six pillars of self-esteem with lots of practical advice. And in the next episode, inshaAllah, we will be talking about imposter syndrome and practical tips on how to overcome that, as well as how to overcome fear of rejection and criticism and to stop taking things personally, with lots of practical advice on how to build more confidence in our lives, inshaAllah. Until then, stay safe and healthy, and Aadam and I look forward to talking to you in part two of the self-esteem series, which is our last episode in season four of this podcast. This has been Aadam and Waheed Jensen in “A Way Beyond the Rainbow”, assalamu alaikom wa rahmatullahi ta’ala wa barakatuh.