#63 - On Self-Discipline (Part II)

Waheed  00:37
Assalamu alaikom wa rahmatullahi ta’ala wa barakatuh, and welcome back to “A Way Beyond the Rainbow”, this podcast series dedicated to Muslims experiencing same-sex attractions who want to live a life true to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and Islam. I'm your host, Waheed Jensen, and thank you for joining us in part two on self-discipline. Joining me today, again, is my dear friend Aadam. So, as you guys remember, in the last episode, we spoke about self-discipline, motivation, willpower and self-control, as well as practical tips on how to cultivate self-discipline in our lives. In today's episode, the focus is going to be on building habits, as well as some techniques related to time management, overcoming procrastination and building your morning routine.

01:28
A very important book in the art of habit building, a brilliant read, is Atomic Habits by James Clear, and we'll add the book in the episode description for you guys who haven't read it. We definitely recommend you check this book out, because it is amazing! It’s very practical and helpful, and we'll be discussing a lot of the themes presented in the book in today's episode, inshaAllah. 

So, James Clear, in his book, he talks about the importance of building habits on a daily basis and being consistent with them. And I'm quoting him, he says “Your outcomes are a lagging measure of your habits. Your net worth is a lagging measure of your financial habits. Your weight is a lagging measure of your eating habits. Your knowledge is a lagging measure of your learning habits. Your clutter is a lagging measure of your cleaning habits. You get what you repeat.” In other words, it's not about a sudden transformation in your life where things start to change, but rather the result of daily habits over time that eventually result in a change. We are what we repeatedly do over time, as simple as that. And he defines an atomic habit as “A little habit that is part of a larger system. Just as atoms are the building blocks of molecules, atomic habits are the building blocks of remarkable results.” And he argues that if we get 1% better every day for one year, we will end up 37 times better by the time that we are done. But if you get worse by 1% every day for a year, we will go down to nearly zero. And I'm quoting him again, he says “Habits are the compound interest of self-improvement.” 

It takes time to build habits, but the more that we work on improving ourselves and building habits, we're going to end up achieving them, inshaAllah. And this is basically what we've been talking about in the past episode, where we presented different models of self-discipline and said that an overarching theme is the idea of consistency and having structure and persisting and going at it day by day, and showing up and doing the work on a daily basis, even though you don't feel like doing it. It takes time to build habits, which is why a lot of people can be disappointed at the beginning and give up, because it takes time patience, and you don't necessarily see the results at the beginning. A lot of us favor instant gratification over delayed gratification. And again, we've spoken about this in the previous episode. 

When we want to change, we often set goals, priorities, aspirations, strategies, and our thinking as a result often becomes more goal-oriented rather than process-oriented. We think about looking a certain way, we think about making a particular amount of money or getting a particular position, achieving a particular goal, we become very goal-focused. And this kind of thinking comes with many challenges. We ignore the process; we focus only on the outcome, we lose sight of the systems and the habits that we put in place to get there. And once we achieve that goal, we celebrate for a little bit, we get that ecstasy, that high, and then we feel deflated because, what now? We're going to move on to another goal. And this is very, very common. The recommendation is to actually be more process-oriented, which I find to be more Islamically-oriented as well, because, at the end of the day, we aspire to achieve particular goals, but what is within our hands is the process not the goal itself. Because we never know what Allah has preordained for us, whether we achieve that goal or not. But what matters is the journey, not the destination. We orient ourselves to a particular destination, but what matters is the journey itself. So, James Clear basically argues that everyone wants to reach a specific goal, but those who actually achieve that goal are the ones who focus on the process, and they improve themselves continuously in line with that goal. 

So, for example, if you focus on your diet and exercise habits, you will get the body that you aim to get. If you focus on your financial habits and your financial patterns, you will be able to buy the things that you want to buy in the future, or go on that vacation that you've always dreamt of, and so on. Goal-oriented thinking on its own restricts happiness to achieving that particular goal, because I'm only happy if I achieve that goal. Many people stop improving once they achieve that goal. But being process-oriented means that you're being present (in the here and the now), and you're focusing on the process. You're learning and you're enjoying the process, even though sometimes you won't enjoy that. But the idea is to take it day-by-day, hour-by-hour, and to be present in what you do, rather than focusing entirely on the end result. As James Clear also says, “You do not rise to the level of your goals, you fall to the level of your systems”, which means the systems and the habits that you put in to get to those goals. So, this is one thing to keep in mind.

Aadam  06:34
Yeah. So, considering all that, James Clear proposes a process-oriented thinking, and building habits through focusing on one's identity. And he says, “There are three layers of behavior change, a change in your outcomes, a change in your processes, or a change in your identity.” Outcomes are about what you get, processes are about what you do, and identity is about what you believe. And he says, “With outcome-based habits, the focus is on what you want to achieve. With identity-based habits, the focus is on who you wish to become”, which I think is a very profound distinction. And he goes on to say, “The ultimate form of intrinsic motivation is when a habit becomes part of your identity.” And he continues, “The most effective way to change your habits is to focus not on what you want to achieve, but on who you wish to become. And ask yourself, ‘Who is the type of person that could get the outcome that I want?’” And he keeps going by saying, “Your identity emerges out of your habits. Every action is a vote for the type of person you wish to become.” And by identity, he means think of the person that you want to become. And he goes on to say, “It is a simple two-step process: decide the type of person you want to be, prove it to yourself with small wins.” And I love this, because I think we talked about this very briefly in the last episode, about proving and generating evidence in your life for the fact that you can be someone who has self-discipline, etc. This just confirms that. Making it part of our identity, the thing that we want to become, is so profound, I resonate with that quite a lot.  

So, just to expand on this and to clarify this distinction a little bit more: If we take the example of running, for example, so we say, we don't want to run 15 minutes per day, but we want to become a runner. So, being a runner is the identity and running is just an act that you're doing, you might pick up and leave it whenever you feel like. We want not to read X pages per day, but we want to become a reader. We don't want to quit smoking, but to become a nonsmoker. And there's subtle differences that alter the way that we think and approach our habits when we make this switch and the way that we approach this.

Waheed  09:10
Exactly. The first time that I got exposed to this shift in paradigm was from his book, because it really makes a big difference. And it is the focus of being process-oriented, because once it becomes part of how you perceive yourself, it just changes the whole thing, it’s part of me, and this is who I am. And it really empowers you to keep moving forward. I just love it, subhan Allah!

Aadam  09:36
Yeah, absolutely. Exactly. Once your identity is in check, your processes, habits and outcomes will follow. So, he says, “If you're having trouble determining how to rate a particular habit, ask yourself: ‘Does this behavior help me become the type of person I wish to be? Does this habit cast a vote for or against my desired identity?’” An excellent way of assessing yourself. Make sure you have strong reasons why you want to be a certain person and develop particular processes. These will help keep you motivated in pursuing the process, perfecting your “process” and refining the process.

Waheed  10:19
And we've spoken about this, as you guys remember, in the previous episode, when we talked about motivation, and how to increase motivation through having really profound reasons why you want to become the person you want to be, or achieve the particular goals that you want. Keeping in mind what we have spoken about, before we talk about forming habits or changing habits, we also need to become aware of our behaviors. And as he says in the book, “The process of behavior change always starts with awareness. You need to be aware of your habits before you can change them.” And he talks about this idea of “Pointing-and-Calling”, which raises your level of awareness from a non-conscious habit to a more conscious level by verbalizing your actions. What he's basically saying is that we need to be aware of the things that we do without even realizing them, by kind of verbalizing them and pointing at them and calling them what they are. So, for example, when you're hungry, say out loud that you're hungry. When you're bored, say to yourself that you are bored. Some people might look in the mirror and verbalize their cravings to bring their habits into awareness. When you're craving something, verbalize the fact that you're craving that particular thing, or that particular habit or behavior, whatever it is, because it brings it to your conscious awareness, as opposed to it being in your subconscious or at that non-conscious level. 

Another way to bring awareness to your habits is what he calls the “Habits Scorecard”, which is a simple exercise that you can use to become more aware of your behavior. Just write down your habits on a daily basis, what you eat, where you like to eat, how you spend your time, what is your morning routine like, what is your evening routine like, what are the things that you always do on a daily basis, what are the things that are occasional, etc.? Just to be aware of the habits that take over your life. And a lot of people listening right now might be like, “Well, what is the point of this?” Honestly, doing these exercises brings a lot of awareness into our lives about our habits and our behaviors that we may not have had before. It really makes a big difference, because a lot of us spend our lives on autopilot without realizing what we're doing and how we got to where we are. It's a paradigm shift when we start realizing that we do certain things, and they take a huge chunk of our time, or they are there but we don't know how we develop them. So, it's very important to be aware of all of them.

Having said that, we need to talk about the four stages of habit formation in general, before we talk about how to use this model in building our habits. Any habit that we form in life has to go through four stages: The cue, the craving, the response, and the reward. So, for example, if I am working on a presentation or a task for my job, and I'm getting bored, this is my cue. Me getting bored is a cue. My body is sending me a signal that it's bored. This is a cue. What is going to happen as a result? There's going to be a craving, which is I'm going to feel the need to entertain myself, because I'm bored. So, there's this craving inside of me that I need to do something. As a result, there's the response that comes after that. So, if I want to entertain myself, what's the response? I'm going to check my phone or social media, for example, or I'm going to text my friend. That's the response. And then, after that is the reward, which is the feeling of that dopamine rush and the excitement that comes after that. Anything in your life, you can actually scale it down to those four things. There's a cue, there's a craving, there's a response, and there's a reward. We've been doing this for so long, that it has become a habit every time that we find ourselves bored, for example. Anytime that I'm feeling bored, I'm going to feel the need to entertain myself by checking social media and getting that dopamine rush, and it becomes ingrained in my neural pathways, because I've done it for a very long period of time, and hence it has become a habit. 

Now, keeping this in mind, also when we want to build positive habits, we have to educate ourselves and train ourselves to use these four stages, which he calls the “Four Laws of Behavior Change”. They are a simple set of rules we can use to build better habits, and they are: Make it obvious (in terms of the cue), make it attractive (in terms of the craving), make it easy (in terms of the response), and make it satisfying (in terms of the reward). So, let's start with the first one, to make it obvious with regards to the cue. If you want to build a particular habit, make it obvious that you're working on it. Put it on your calendar, add phone notifications to remind you, make specific and measurable tiny goals to help you. We've spoken in the previous episode about smart goals, SMART. Make those goals to help you achieve that. 

So, for example, let's say you want to become more physically active. You want to reach a habit of becoming more physically active, to have that goal. You will sign up to the gym, you will dedicate time every week to go to the gym, you will commit an hour three days per week, and devote time for that without exceptions. This is the goal and the strategies that you will employ. So, just make it obvious, and you have all these things in your mind, and all these things that you're committed to, and what can actually help you do that is what he calls “Habit Stacking”. So, he says, “One of the best ways to build a new habit is to identify a current habit that you already do each day, and then stack your new behavior on top.” So stack the habit of going to the gym, for example, on top of commuting from work or school. You could say that, “When I'm going back home, instead of going back directly to my house, I will go to the gym instead.” Or maybe you want to develop this new habit of flossing your teeth. So, you would stack it on top of the old habit of already brushing your teeth. How does this help? Because you've already established habits in your life that you can rely on, you can just stack the new habit that you want to achieve on top of the old one, which gives you a push and motivation to do it, it becomes easier to do it. So, this is part of making it obvious. Making it obvious to you that “I want to do it, it can be achieved.”

Another way to add to that habit stacking is to choose a particular time and location, which is known as an “Implementation Formula”. You will tell yourself that you will do this particular habit at a specific time and at a specific location. “I will do this in this time and in that location”, where you make it obvious to yourself that, when this happens in that particular time, in that particular location, I will do that. So basically, the whole idea is just to make it obvious, to make those cues stand out so that you can initiate that habit, and to make the cues of good habits obvious in your environment as much as you can. Some people are very visual so they would use cue cards. They would put like post-it notes all over, whatever works for you. Notifications on your phone, reminders from friends, whatever it is, this is part of making it obvious so that you can add it to your environment, it becomes easy to initiate that habit. So this is number one, which is making it obvious as far as the cue is concerned.

Aadam  18:05
Right, and number two is making it attractive. So, the craving element, or the second stage is the craving, to make it attractive. So, if a habit is not attractive enough, at the beginning of habit formation in particular, there won't be enough motivation. If you remember, motivation is the “why”, why we are doing something. So, if for example, going to the gym feels like punishment, you won't bother doing it. A strategy to handle this is through something called “Temptation Bundling”. So, it’s similar to stacking, but it’s one way to make a habit more attractive. The strategy is to pair an action you want to do with an action that you need to do. So, where you say you'd watch your favorite show only after you’ve completed your workout, or maybe have your favorite (healthy) snack after that, you know, or, for example, cleaning your room while you're listening to your favorite music, and so on. So, the thinking is that “I only get to do X after I do Y”, and it makes it easier to get stuff done. And it's a very simple way of building habits.

Waheed  19:15
Exactly. So you pair something that you want to do with something that you need to do.

Aadam  19:20
Right, exactly. And that makes it more fun and enjoyable, and you get to do the thing that you want to do. And James Clear says, and I quote, “Habits are a dopamine-driven feedback loop. When dopamine rises, so does our motivation to act.” And he goes on to say “It is the anticipation of a reward, not the fulfillment of it, that gets us to take action. The greater the anticipation, the greater the dopamine spike.” So, if you think about it, if we make the environment enjoyable, and we seek help from our support system or accountability partners that we might have to help us, it can make this a much more enjoyable process. He goes on to say, “One of the most effective things you can do to build better habits is to join a culture where (1) your desired behavior is a normal behavior and (2) you already have something in common with the group.” And he goes on, “The normal behavior of the tribe often overpowers the desired behavior of the individual. Most days, we'd rather be wrong with the crowd than be right by ourselves.” And this is interesting, because normally we would say not to follow the crowd and to be courageous and stand out. But if we reverse it and we put benefit in actually being like people who are around us, because perhaps they are more disciplined than we are, or they are more skilled in the thing that we're trying to achieve, then it actually would work in our advantage to be in that situation. 

Waheed  20:53
Because here you're choosing the people that can help you achieve what you want to achieve, right?

Aadam  20:57
Exactly. This is so powerful, subhan Allah. I can't emphasize enough, the people that are around you will either pull you up or bring you down. Subhan Allah, I have wonderful people in my life who constantly, just with their own lives and things that they are aiming for, it always inspires me. 

Waheed  21:17
Awww! Thank you, that's so sweet! 

Aadam  21:22
Haha! And Mr. Waheed Jensen happens to be one of those.  

Waheed  21:17
Of course, I mean, it goes without saying! Haha, I’m joking. 

Aadam  21:22
Yeah, it goes without saying, it's so important, so powerful and very helpful as well. As long as you don't fall into comparison and start to beat yourself up, because somebody else is doing something that you're not and you want to do. As long as you don't fall into that trap, then it's a very rewarding and powerful structure to have in your life. James goes on to say, “If our behavior can get us approval, respect and praise, we find it attractive.” More often than not, we say not to run after people's approval, respect, and praise, but if we reverse engineer it and use it for something that we want to achieve, that is good for us, that's healthy for us, that's in alignment with our values and the things that we want to achieve, then it could be a powerful tool for us to leverage the default wiring of humans in a productive way.

Waheed  22:33
Absolutely. So that's as far as the first two stages – for the cue, we make it obvious, and then we make it attractive as far as the craving. So, to make the habit more obvious and more attractive. And the third one, which addresses the response is: We make it easy. So, to quote James, he says, “Human behavior follows the law of least effort. We will naturally gravitate toward the option that requires the least amount of work.” In the previous episode, we talked about the idea of taking the stairs, that metaphor, which is to push your boundaries a little further, to exert yourself, this voluntary hardship. But when we are in the process of building habits at the beginning, we will gravitate to the things that are easier, towards the things that take less energy and less effort. So, for example, if I want to build up the habit of going to the gym regularly, to become physically fit and build muscles, etc., if I'm going to go to the gym during rush hour traffic, spend time finding a parking space, which is difficult to do, and then stand in a long line to get inside, this is not going to help me commit to going to the gym, right? My mind is always going to see this as a very daunting task, and I will give up. So, the idea is to make it easy, as much as possible. To remove as many steps and hurdles as possible. Create an environment where doing the right thing is as easy as possible.

So, for example, I want to develop the habit of running in the morning, to go for a jog. How can I make it easy? I can lay out my workout clothes and all of the necessities the night before, right? So in the morning, all I have to do is get up and go. Another thing to make it easy is to not set very high goals at the beginning, which ends up becoming very demoralizing. Set the expectation to run for two minutes instead of 20 minutes at the beginning. Two minutes. People say, “Well, what the hell? It's not going to be worth it!” Well, commit to that, and then once you've committed to that and you have trained your body to do those two minutes every day, then you can increase that. The idea is just to become better 1% every day, that's the whole point. If you want to start meditating, don't meditate for 10 minutes at the beginning, stick to two minutes or three minutes. If you want to become a writer, commit to 300 or 500 words per day as opposed to 1,000 words or more. And so on, and so forth. 

There's a nice quote from the book, he says, “Walk slowly, but never backward.” And that really makes a big difference. As long as you're walking slowly and not backwards, that is what matters. Set the goals low enough to set yourself up for success, so you can overcome the hurdles and be on track. The idea is, as he says, “Reduce the friction that is associated with good behaviors.” Reduce as much friction associated with the good behavior as possible. “When friction is low, habits are easy.” So, we want to make it easy for us to build habits. 

Aadam  25:36
Yeah. You mentioned the running example of running for two minutes, and sometimes people think what’s the point of that, it's just two minutes! Well, actually, there's a big point to that. Because if you go out and you're running for two minutes, and you realize two minutes is up, you're already out, you're already running, and you'll realize, “I could probably keep going.” And more than likely, you probably will keep going, because two minutes is just a waste of time. So, you don't want to waste your time and you’re out already. You probably built up a sweat and are breathing hard. So, you'll go for longer. That's why setting goals to such a level that is impossible or almost impossible for you to fail at them is so important at the beginning. It's all about proving to yourself that you can actually commit and do it. If it's so basic, once you start doing it, in a couple of days or a week, you will realize this is too easy, I'm becoming bored. And if we remember about boredom, it will keep you away from sustaining the habit. So, what do you do? Introduce a challenge. You introduce more challenge. So instead of doing it for, let's say, two minutes, you'll be doing for 10 minutes now, because that's more challenging. That's a big jump, but I'm just saying you'll set the bar higher. And I've done this with working out. I started with very easy sessions, and then it got really easy, and I thought I'm getting bored now, and then I sought out a more difficult one and that kept it interesting. So, it works, this stuff works. You just have to start. And, subhanAllah, before you know it, you're someone who exercises regularly. And you can talk about it confidently, and you recognize yourself as being someone who exercises.  

I think that takes us nicely on to the next stage, which is the fourth one, which is to make the reward satisfying. So, James Clear says, “We are more likely to repeat a behavior when the experience is satisfying.” We should use things that will reinforce our behaviors. He goes on to say, “The human brain evolved to prioritize immediate rewards over delayed rewards,” which we've talked about before. And he says “The Cardinal Rule of Behavior Change: What is immediately rewarded is repeated. What is immediately punished is avoided.” “To get a habit to stick, you need to feel immediately successful--even if it's in a small way.” This goes back to that two-minute thing. Once you've done two minutes, you've achieved success. You've achieved success, you've achieved your goal, you can celebrate that. Once you get used to that level, you will then want to keep going more and more, and then the rewards just keep stacking up. You will feel better about yourself, it becomes your baseline. The baseline for you is “I can do this, I know I can do this, this is not difficult for me, because I've built up the discipline to do it.” And that's so rewarding. So, so rewarding. Initially, we use short-term rewards to give us boosts, but also delayed gratification to help you with self-discipline. Both go hand in hand. We can also track our habits so that we can visually see our progress. Apps exist for all manner of things and charts. They will help reinforce our actions, as well as our identity as someone who's healthy, capable of making proper decisions that are good for us, whether they're financial or physical or any other type of decision.

And James goes on to say, “Habit trackers and other visual forms of measurement can make your habits satisfying by providing clear evidence of your progress. Don't break the chain, try to keep your habit streak alive.” And this is very important as well. Clearly there's loads of fitness things out there. There's Fitbit and all manner of other apps and devices. But the streak thing is so important. And I've always struggled with that. The one thing that I use, and I heard this on a podcast, I use this for exercise: I will not go two days, two straight days, no longer than two straight days without exercising. When it gets to the third day, I have to do it. And the two days allows for things like if you're traveling and other things. It is such an ingrained habit in me now if I get to the third day, and I've not worked out, I need to do it. There's just no two ways about it. But it's nice to have the leeway, because life is unpredictable. Things happen, you can't always predict things that might stop you. So, yes, the streak is important. And there's so many different habit trackers out there, you can use paper calendars or journal method. And we have a link that we’ll include in the episode description to the journal method. And there's other apps like Habitica, Habit Bull and Strides – look at all these funny names!

Waheed  30:50
We will add links to all these apps in the episode description for you guys to check out, inshaAllah. 

Aadam  30:55
Yeah. And then James goes on to talk about the streak, he says “Never miss twice. If you miss one day, try to get back on track as quickly as possible.” And, “Just because you can measure something doesn't mean it's the most important thing.” Which I love, I've heard that before and it's quite important as well.

Waheed  31:16
For sure. Because it puts things in perspective eventually. You can use it to track how you're doing, but ultimately, just because you can measure it, it doesn't mean it's the most important thing. Exactly. 100%. 

Just as a recap, the four laws of behavior change are: to make it obvious, to make it attractive, to make it easy, and to make the reward satisfying. “The first three laws of behavior change—make it obvious, make it attractive, and make it easy—increase the odds that a behavior will be performed this time. The fourth law of behavior change—make it satisfying—increases the odds that a behavior will be repeated next time.” So for sustainability in the future. Now, this is as far as building positive habits in your life. What about quitting and overcoming bad habits in your life? We reverse the rules. To make it obvious, we reverse it into making it invisible. The second one is to make it attractive, well, we make it unattractive. The third one is easy; we will make it difficult. And the fourth one is to make the reward satisfying, we make it unsatisfying.

Aadam  32:29
So, the first one about making it invisible or not obvious, James says, “People with high self-control tend to spend less time in tempting situations. It's easier to avoid the temptation than it is to resist it.” And this is so true, subhan Allah. We see this within our Deen. Allah says not to go near certain things, because just by going near something, it may indirectly lead to a certain action. And in my mind, I'm thinking right now about things like fornication, where Allah is very clear about this. He says not to go near it [Qur’an 17:32]. And He means that in the total sense. Don't even go near a thing that will lead you to it (sinful action), subhan Allah. I think it's a powerful principle, especially if you're trying to build habits in other places or get rid of bad habits in this context. And he (James) goes on to say, “One of the most practical ways to eliminate a bad habit is to reduce exposure to the cue that causes it.” So, we talked about cues, and if we want to build a habit we would obviously take the cue and we would act upon it. In this case, we want to reduce the exposure that we would have to that cue, or we often call it a trigger. He goes on to say, “Self-control is a short-term strategy, not a long-term one.” So, you might be able to resist for a while. But it's not something that you can sustain.

Waheed  34:04
For sure. And so, this applies to everything. If you're trying to quit sugar, it’s not to have it at your home and resist the urge to eat sugar, but rather, don't even have it at home or don't go to that bakery or whatever, just avoided altogether. That’s just an example. If you're trying to quit a particular behavior, then don't go to places which promote that kind of behavior, as opposed to being in that place and resisting the urge to engage in it, for example. And the same applies to everything. To make it not obvious and avoid that thing altogether is very important.

Aadam  34:41
Yeah, absolutely. The second one here is about making it unattractive. So, whatever the habit might be, and he says in regards to this, “Increase the friction associated with bad behaviors. When friction is high, habits are difficult.” And we would do the opposite for things that we want to make habits that we've just talked about. We want to make it as easy as possible to do, so just make it really easy and set the bar low, etc. But for removing bad habits, we want to make it hard, and we want to set the bar high. We want to set the bar high so that it is difficult and that it feels too much, so that we can’t be bothered with it. And he goes on to say, “Highlight the benefits of avoiding a bad habit to make it seem unattractive. Habits are attractive when we associate them with positive feelings and unattractive when we associate with them negative feelings. Create a motivation ritual by doing something you enjoy immediately before a difficult habit.”

Waheed  35:36
Exactly. So, for example, if you're trying to quit smoking, how can you make it unattractive? A lot of people, and we spoke about this previously, they engage in awareness and mindfulness, and just by being aware of the habit itself, they realize how disgusting smoking is, because they're using their five senses. The smell, the taste of it, the touch of it, how harmful it is… How can we make it unattractive? By doing research into the detrimental effects of smoking, by talking to people who smoked for so long and are dealing with a myriad of diseases. By associating smoking with something that is painful for us or disgusting. To motivate ourselves and remind ourselves of how unattractive and how harmful that habit is for us before engaging in that habit, or by thinking about the future and how it will be like when we engage in that habit, what is going to follow. Like, “Oh, my God, I'm going to go back down that rabbit hole!” So, just using that to make it unattractive. And this is just one example.

Aadam  36:49
Yeah, absolutely. What follows from that, the third step, is to make the thing difficult (bad habit). So, when we were talking about good habits or things we want to habituate, we were talking about making it easy, setting the bar low, etc. The opposite is true in this case. We want to get rid of a bad habit; therefore, we would make it difficult for us to do. So, you were mentioning there before about sugar, for example, just do not have it at home. For you to have it, you’d have to go out and go to a shop, etc. It causes more friction in the process of taking sugar. Or, for example, if somebody has a challenge with certain apps e.g., hookup apps, etc., well, firstly, you could get rid of it from your phone, and then you can block it using other blocking apps. You can use blocking apps that notify somebody else if you try to download it. So all of these tips you would use to make it more difficult for you to engage in that thing. 

Then the fourth stage is making it unsatisfying. Before, with good habits, or things we want to habituate, we would have a reward. We make it satisfying. In this case, we would do the opposite. And in this context, James says, “We are less likely to repeat a bad habit if it is painful or unsatisfying. An accountability partner can create an immediate cost to inaction. We care deeply about what others think of us, and we do not want others to have a lesser opinion of us.” And he goes on to say, “A habit contract can be used to add a social cost to any behavior. It makes the costs of violating your promises public and painful.” And he says, “Knowing that someone else is watching you can be a powerful motivator.” And this is true. This can help lots of people to stay away from things that they're trying to get rid of. Having other people engaged in that process as well, it can be very powerful in helping keep away from or embed good behaviors depending on obviously what you're trying to do. And I've used an app before which encourages you, if you make a commitment to do something or not to do something, you would then tell other people about it, and they would follow up with you on it. In the app, they said that this increases the likelihood of you following through, but I can't remember how much percent. So there is science behind some of these techniques.

Waheed  39:29
For sure. 100%. With regards to the habit contract that you mentioned, it's basically either a verbal or written agreement where you state your commitment to a particular habit and the punishment that will occur if you don't follow through. And it's not just between you and yourself, but also with an accountability partner who can hold you accountable. If you commit to that habit, then that's great. If you don't, then there has to be a sort of a punishment. Some people would commit all the way to the extent that if the accountability partner finds you not holding your part of the agreement, then they would publicly humiliate you, but not in a way that is scandalizing, but rather like posting on social media, for example, that this person did so and so. This is an extreme example, but this is something that is part of a habit contract that you may agree to. The first time that I don't commit to that thing that I'm supposed to commit to, then there could be a sort of a punishment. But then the next time that I don't do it, then maybe that person will post something very ridiculous about me on social media, which is going to make me very embarrassed. That's an example of the punishments that are incurred, but it depends on you and the accountability partner, whatever works for you. I know a lot of people with whom punishments won't work in that way with them, but rather having rewards and positive reinforcements. It depends on what works for you. But the idea is to have an accountability partner to help you stay focused and stay on track. And if that works for you, then having a habit contract would add an element or a layer of social costs to just make sure there's going to be consequences if I don't stay true to the contract that I've made. 

Basically, towards the end, the idea is to have these habits. And as James says, “Habit formation is the process by which a behavior becomes progressively more automatic through repetition.” So, the whole idea is just to repeat it, and keep on practicing and repeating it more and more with time, so it becomes ingrained in you, and it becomes part of your daily routine. And he says, “The amount of time you have been performing a habit is not as important as the number of times you have performed it.” It's not the amount of time, but rather, the number of times. It has to do with the frequency. So, it's more about practicing, practicing, practicing and doing it over and over and over again. And the whole idea is, as Aadam was saying, what matters is to commit to those habits before perfecting them. People say, “Oh, why do we need to commit to two minutes, when we can commit to 10 minutes, for example, jogging per day or 30 minutes?” Well, the idea is to establish those habits, and then you can improve them. That's why we start small, and then we fix a particular time for them, we commit to establishing those habits. And then once these are part and parcel of our schedule, and we have been used to them, then we can start improving on them. And he talks about the two-minute rule, “The Two-Minute Rule states, ‘When you start a new habit, it should take less than two minutes to do.’” You build foundations, you show up, before you dive deep into the habit, and you start to master it or optimize it. And he says, “The more you ritualize the beginning of a process, the more likely it becomes that you can slip into the state of deep focus that is required to do great things.” 

So that is the whole idea behind it, to build those foundations. to standardize before you optimize, you can't improve a habit that doesn't exist. And finally, “Many habits occur at decisive moments—choices that are like a fork in the road—and either send you in the direction of a productive day or an unproductive one.” This kind of reinforces the idea that we always have a choice. And we spoke about this in length in the previous episode, where we said that we are at a crossroads sometimes, where we have to say, “It’s either the monkey mind or the monk mind, the adult or the child. I have to be either the adult or the child at this moment. Either I'm going choose instant gratification or delayed gratification.” So, it's very important to realize that, in everything, when it comes to building habits, we do have a choice.

Aadam  43:54
Yeah, and this poses a question. How long does it take to form a habit? Like how long do I have to keep it up? Is there anything that can provide guidance? There is this 21/90 rule, which basically states that it takes 21 days to form a habit, it takes 66 days to ingrain a habit, and 90 days to form it as part of your lifestyle. Of course, there's many factors that come into play here, and it can be different between different people. But I think, generally, if you even use it as a rough benchmark, it will give you a good sense of how long you need to stay consistent at something for it to become a part of your lifestyle. 

I think what's also important is, when you go through that process of habituating something new, you probably start to feel when things shift. You might start and it's difficult, and you don't necessarily feel the benefits. I will say that about exercise - when I first started to do it as habit, I didn't feel all that great about it. It took me a while to appreciate it, then I think it took me about a couple of weeks, maybe two or three weeks, which would make sense according to this. But don't expect it to be easy at the beginning or to make you feel great at the beginning. Because, remember, feelings are not our guide here, we’re using our rational mind to keep us moving forward. 

Once you have established your habits, it's important to keep the “Goldilocks Rule” in mind to stay motivated at work or in your studies and just in life in general. And the Goldilocks rule is this. “The Goldilocks Rule states that humans experience peak motivation when working on tasks that are right on the edge of their current abilities.” In psychology research, this is known as the Yerkes-Dodson law, which describes the optimal level of arousal as a midpoint between boredom and anxiety. I think we've mentioned this a little bit earlier; when things get too easy, we lose motivation or motivation decreases. So, this obviously is highlighting the fact that we need to be on the edge of where we are at the moment, and make it challenging enough for us to sustain engagement and interest. 

Waheed  46:24
But not too challenging to the point that “Oh, my God, what is happening? I'm going to give up because I can’t do this anymore!”

Aadam  46:29
Exactly, right. We don't want to be heading backwards. Remember, we keep moving forward slowly, never backwards. Again, meaning that it's not too easy where we get bored (e.g. playing basketball games against a five-year-old, for example) and not too difficult where we end up failing (e.g. playing basketball with a professional player who beats you every time). But rather, somewhere in the middle. Then, once you've mastered certain things, you up your game to the next level to keep you motivated and keep revising and progressing. And to gain motivation, you constantly push your performance to that midpoint between the point of where we are bored and anxious. So, we're never bored, but we're also not anxious, just somewhere in between that. 

And James says, “The greatest threat to success is not failure but boredom.” “As habits become routine, they become less interesting and less satisfying. We get bored.” “Anyone can work hard when they feel motivated. It’s the ability to keep going when work isn’t exciting that makes the difference.” “Professionals stick to the schedule; amateurs let life get in the way.” And this is just summarizes everything that we've just talked about.

Waheed  47:45
Absolutely, for sure. Finally, we review our progress as we go along, and we have others help us by giving us feedback and that's very important. This whole process of reflection and review allows us to remain conscious of our performance over time. We said there are habit trackers that we can use. Also, being conscious of the feedback that we receive from others in our support group, people who care about us and we care about them, to help evaluate our performance. What we aim for is not perfection, but rather a positive trajectory, a positive trend. As long as we're improving constantly, then that's what matters. We're never going to achieve perfection and that's not what we're looking for. Then, after a year, for example, you look back and you ask yourself, “What went well this year? What didn't go so well? What did I learn?” After six months, you can conduct an “Integrity Report” and ask yourself about the core values that drive your life and your work, how you are living and how you are working with integrity right now, and how you can set high standards in the future. We talked about integrity in the previous episode, and we said it's part and parcel of self-discipline, it's very important in our life, and obviously, as Muslims, as people who are righteous believers, inshaAllah, integrity is a core value that we have. It’s definitely important.

To recap, everything that we said, there are 20 main points to building habits inspired by Atomic Habits by James Clear. Aadam and I are going to take turns reading five at a time. The most important points to take home are: 1. Focus on habits and systems instead of setting goals. Become more process oriented rather than goal oriented. 2. The most effective way to change your habits is to change your identity, to make this part of who you are. We talked about this, considering yourself a runner, rather than running for 15 minutes every day, or a writer instead of “I'm going to write a page.” 3. Use the Four Laws of Behavior Change to build better habits, and those laws are: Make it obvious, make it attractive, make it easy and make the reward satisfying. 4. Verbalize or write down your bad habits, so you can raise awareness to change them. 5. Start a new habit by using an “Implementation Formula” which means specifying a particular time and a particular location. “I will do this at that time and in that location.”

Aadam  50:25
Number 6. Make the cues of good habits obvious in your environment. 7. Spend less time in environments with temptations. 8. Make a new habit easier to adopt by doing it immediately after an existing habit. 9. Hang around people where your desired behavior is their normal behavior. 10. Remind yourself of the negatives of a bad habit to make it less attractive.

Waheed  50:53
Number 11. Building a habit takes a lot of effort in the beginning. 12. Create an environment where doing good habits are easy and bad habits are hard. 13. Make new habits take less than two minutes to do. And again, these are for new habits. 14. Automate your habits. 15. Reward yourself for doing a habit.

Aadam  51:15
Number 16. Never miss a habit twice in a row. 17. Get an accountability partner. 18. Choose the habits that best suit you. 19. Do your habits such that it isn't too easy or too hard. And finally, 20. Constantly reflect and review for errors in your behavior.

51:44
Now we're going to move on and talk about procrastination and managing distractions, something that I'm sure all of us have struggled with at one point or the other or we might struggle with just now. The number one enemy of self-discipline is procrastination, and the number one reason we procrastinate is self-criticism. The voice that says “I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough. Why even bother?” I'm sure we're all familiar with this. We can break procrastination down into three types, and this helps us identify what's most common for us, although I think we probably experience some of these different times. 

The first is “classic procrastination”. This is consciously delaying something that I know I have to do. And a good example of this is paying bills. This can often be due to a feeling of anxiety or having a faraway deadline that you just take it easy. Or maybe because you're painfully perfectionistic and afraid of failing that you don't even bother starting the task that you must do. 

The next one is “creative avoidance”. To explain it, it is subconsciously creating things that you do and feel productive doing instead of doing what you have to be doing, and you avoid what you should be doing or need to do. For example, if you're managing people in your job, confronting an employee (having an uncomfortable conversation) or maybe you don't like going to the dentist and you would avoid doing that. Or working out, etc. Your brain will reward you with dopamine when you accomplish the task, so you get addicted to doing things, but they're not actually the things that you should be doing. This type of procrastination is incredibly deceiving, because you can feel like you did so much, but did you do the priority activities? So I think this is one to watch for, and I can identify with it. 

The last one is “priority dilution”. This is something that typically chronic overachievers experience. So, it's not about being lazy or distracted, but rather your attention is shifted to less significant but more urgent tasks during the day. For example, the higher you excel in an organization, the more opportunities and distractions you get, and the more diluted your priorities become. So, it's about having too many things vying for your attention and not focusing in on what is priority or what you've defined as your priorities.

Waheed  54:32
For sure. If you look at procrastination, there are different types and people categorize them in so many different ways. But the ultimate result is the same, that you are delaying the things that you should be doing. There are so many different reasons why people do that. We also spoke about procrastination, as you guys remember, in the episodes on complex trauma, because a lot of times there is an emotional component that is tied to procrastination. There might be a fear of failure. There might be a fear of success, there might be a fear of being judged, there might be anxiety, there might be shame associated with it, and so on. So, getting professional help may be needed to help you deal with your procrastination if there's an emotional element tied to it. So that's one thing to think about as well. And it becomes a vicious cycle, as we know. You're not progressing in the direction that you want to progress, and thinking about this makes you anxious, and what do you do as a result? A lot of us when we get anxious, because we're not progressing, we avoid working on the things that we should be working on. Then the project becomes late, or we are way past the deadline, and we're wasting time. So, we become anxious, and it becomes a vicious cycle that fuels itself. 

Now, what about the ultra-performers, the top 1% who get things done right? So, they do things differently, and, to them, success and greatness depends on the significance of the tasks and not their quantity. It's not about filling your schedule with tasks, but rather how meaningful these tasks are. They get themselves to do the things that they don't feel like doing but they know that they should be doing. Again, the whole definition of self-discipline that we talked about, and the “take the stairs” metaphor from Rory Vaden. It's very easy to gravitate towards the path of least resistance and the path that's easier, the one that is more comfortable. To take the stairs and not the escalator is the tougher choice, and that involves discipline, and discipline is the antidote to procrastination. The whole idea is that those ultra-performers/top performers train their brains to process and think about things differently. They know it's hard, but I have to do it anyway, and I will do it anyway, and they end up doing it. So, the antidote to procrastination is discipline, which means doing the things that you should be doing, even if you don't feel like doing them. 

The question here is, if there is an emotional element that is tied to your procrastination, how do we overcome that? We start with the PAW method that we spoke about in the previous episode, which is pause, awareness and then willpower. We encourage you to go back to the previous episode to check it out. But basically, it says to utilize conscious awareness exercises to pause, take a breath, be aware of where you are, be aware of your emotions, be aware of what you're feeling, your choices, your goals, and then cultivate the willpower to push through, even though you don't feel like doing what you’re doing. And then there are three things that we would like to talk about, which is to decrease the pain of action, to increase the pain of inaction, and to embrace the pain to do the things that we are supposed to do. 

Aadam  57:45
If we start with the first one, which is to decrease the pain of action, this is where we would try and enjoy the thing that we're doing, if it's possible to do that. So, a good way to try and do this is to break it down into baby steps, and to take the least steps needed for you to stop procrastination. So, what's the minimal number of things that you must do in order for you to move out of the state of procrastination? If the next step is still too big, then you need to break it down further. And those small steps that you do can become small wins. 

Waheed  58:20
For example, I know someone who gets very demoralized because he has to write long articles, and it becomes very daunting. So the idea is to write a sentence, can you do that? That's a baby step, can you start with a sentence or a paragraph? If a paragraph is daunting, then start with a sentence and then just do that. Then start with the second sentence after that. Those are the baby steps that we're talking about. 

Aadam  58:47
Yeah, exactly. Once you start to do that, and you build the momentum, it becomes much easier to keep on track. Remember, don't be idealistic here or perfectionistic. Just aim to be better than yesterday, and especially if there is procrastination and there are strong emotions associated, this is so important. Ultimately, when it comes to being productive, it's known that when you take a big task, and you break it down into smaller chunks, and you focus on delivering those smaller things, you can get things done faster than if you tackle it in the larger chunks. We know this through many methodologies and ways of working that have been developed off the back of that. So, if anyone's interested, you can look up agile and you’ll find this theory in amongst there. 

The second thing that you can do is to increase the pain of inaction. When the pain of inaction becomes unbearable, you start to take action. A good example of this would be not working on an assignment that you have from work might leave you unemployed, for example. That's high stakes. Or if you don't do something, it will continue making you feel unfulfilled or irrelevant in your field. Or perhaps, not ending a toxic relationship will mean more emotional and mental damage, and not being available for other things are better for you. Sometimes, this might just be taking a realistic look at what the cost of inaction is and laying it out for us. If perhaps we are too close and don't have perspective, someone else can come in and help and give us a perspective on what that would be. In any case, you can ask yourself and think about the following: What pain am I falling into by avoiding this? What is this decision doing to my future self? What are the hidden costs of inaction? With this decision to procrastinate, am I training myself to succeed or to fail? These are really good questions that you could use on your own to reflect upon, and then realize and become aware of the consequences of doing or not doing what you need to do. 

The last one is to embrace the pain and to just do it, regardless whether it feels painful. To push through with all your might and force, and to use mindfulness to accept the pain and to make it less painful. This goes back to the ROAR technique that we touched on in the last episode. 

Waheed  1:01:38
Right, which is basically to recognize your emotions or whatever you're feeling; to observe it in your body, where it is, and what it represents; to accept it as it is without judging or rejecting it; and then to release it with every breath. 

Aadam  1:01:54
Yeah, exactly. When we talk about pleasures and distractions, we're really talking about quick and easy dopamine hits that are rewarding but end up depleting us and taking us away from our goals. It boils down again to this idea of instant gratification versus delayed gratification. Self-discipline is not about removing all sources of pleasure or instant gratification from your life, but rather prioritizing the most important things in your life and making the pursuit of pleasure to be secondary. There's a very important distinction there. It's not about getting rid of everything that has an instant gratification attached to it. Some things may be perfectly okay, and they don't actually like spoil or keep you away from your objectives and goals. That's totally fine. But it's those other things that are having some type of impact on your life that you don't really want. And it’s those things that we need to be aware of. The author Giovanni Dienstmann in his book, Mindful Self-Discipline says, “It's about having islands of pleasure in a sea of meaning, and not islands of meaning in a sea of pleasure.... Instant gratification should be a treat or reward -- not our default.” We indulge in them consciously, and of course, keeping in mind what is halal, but not compulsively. And he goes on to say, “It should be something that enhances our well-being and not something that intends to cover up an underlying emptiness.” Again, as I said before, if it's harmless, then it's harmless, but we need to be honest about what is harmless and what's harmful to us. 

Waheed  1:03:35
Right. And Stephen Covey, in his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, he gives a very nice analogy. Probably you guys have heard of it before, or if you've read the book, you're familiar with it. Imagine your life like a jar, and next to it, you have rocks and pebbles and sand (and then some people say water too). The rocks represent the meaningful goals and the higher values that you have in your life. They represent your long-term fulfillment and the steps that you take to achieve them. The pebbles, they're important, but they're not critical. They are minor goals. They're urgent but not essential. They are external values like money, status, validation, and so on. The sand represents the pleasure or the favorite pastimes that you have, maybe being busy, and so on. Now, if you fill your jar first with sand or pebbles, there will be no place left for the rocks, which are your meaningful goals and your values in life. But if you first put in all the rocks, and then the pebbles, and then the sand, there is space for everything. And then for people who use water also in that analogy, water represents the time wasters. So, you can also add water on top of that, which can fill up to a certain level. 

Now how do we apply all these concepts in our lives? There is the Pareto principle, which is the 80/20 rule that you've probably heard of before, which says dedicate 80% of your available time and your money and energy to doing the things that advance your highest values and goals, and 20% in pleasures and distractions. Now, if you're ambitious, you can make it 90/10, which means 90% of your time and money and energy to the things that advance your highest values and goals, and 10% for your pleasures and distractions. But, let’s start with the 80/20. We'll revisit the 80/20 rule when we talk about another aspect of it a little bit further in this episode. 

Keeping this in mind, how do we deal with distractions in our lives? We talked about the PAW technique, which is, again, the pause, awareness and willpower technique. This is very important to help you reorient yourself and be in the present moment. Another important thing to be able to deal with distractions is what is known as a “dopamine detox”, and we'll add some videos for you in the episode description to check them out. Basically, what it means is to go into “monk” mode on distractions and temptations. To cut the sources of distractions and all the junk, and to keep them at a bare minimum. If it's related to family or work or things that you have to be in touch with, you keep it at a bare minimum. But all other forms of distractions, you just cut them out. For example, comfort food, apps and emails, gaming, social media, internet browsing, news, entertainment, any sorts of emotional addiction, like gossiping, drama and whatever else. You just take that out of your life. What happens is that you cultivated the hunger and the urges, but you don't satisfy them. Instead, you focus on your goals and aspirations that you have, and you begin to evaluate how all of these outlets that you have given up are affecting your life. Then you make conscious decisions on how much time you really want to spend on them. By dopamine detox, we don't mean like you're forever cutting out all of these things from your life. It can be for a couple of days, it can be a week, or it can be a like two-week retreat, this is something that people do, they go into “monk week”, for example, at a specific time in the year. It can be alone, or it can be with others in retreats. That is basically what dopamine detox is all about. Remember, if you realize that there are certain things that you want to completely remove from your life, because there's so detrimental to your progress, then remember, quitting cold turkey is easier than tapering it and gradually removing it from your life. It's better to quit cold turkey, as far as that is concerned. But this is one thing to take into account. 

Aadam  1:07:41
Another thing that we can do is to actually procrastinate the distraction itself. This is about not procrastinating doing the meaningful and uncomfortable things but rather procrastinating the trivial and comforting things. When there's an urge to indulge in a distraction, we procrastinate, we put it off, we don't do it. We practice the PAW method that we talked about before, we keep focused on the work that we're doing, and we leave the distraction for later. We postpone it for a while to give ourselves a reward for when we’re done. Or we practice self-control, if doing it is harmful to you, hence delaying it for good. Telling your mind “Not now, but later” is less stressful in the mind and much more helpful than saying “no” or “never”. It works better, it quiets the cravings, and you end up wanting and consuming less in the long run. In Alcoholics Anonymous, they say, “I will not drink today” rather than saying “I will never drink again”. There's a big distinction in that, where we're focusing on today and not thinking of it forever. We're avoiding causing this huge surge of stress and a feeling of, “OMG! How will I sustain that?” Whereas we just focus on what's in front of us, what's happening now, and being present today. 

Another thing that we can do is use commitment devices. So, deleting apps from our phones or blocking them for a periods of time. There are apps that I use to do this, and some phones actually come with the inbuilt capability to do that, they have digital wellbeing tools. Paying for a gym membership or course subscription and not having junk food at home all the time, having accountability partners, and thinking about the financial consequences. 

And finally, it's important to talk about time management. There are many books and resources to help you manage your time, and we'll add a couple of helpful books in the episode description to help you plan your day and prioritize. 

Waheed  1:09:52
Yeah, inshaAllah, we'll add them in the episode description but just a couple of things to address in this episode. One very important principle is the difference between urgency and importance, and this is also taken from Stephen Covey's book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. This is the principle called “First Things First”. Imagine a two-by-two box, a box made of four squares, and then each box represents whether something is urgent and important, this is in one box. The second box is urgent but not important. The third one is not urgent but important. And the fourth one is not urgent and not important. So, it depends on whether it's urgent and important, yes/no to each one. 

So, the ones that are urgent and important, the things in your life that are urgent and important, these represent the facts of life. You need to organize them, you need to do them because they're urgent and important. The ones that are important but not urgent, those are your aspirations and your long-term plans. So, what you do with these things is that you plan and you persevere with them. This is how you consider these things in your life. The things that are urgent but not important, those represent living on reaction mode. So, any calls that you have to do, emails that you have to send, etc. What you do with these things is you delegate as much as you can and you set boundaries. You try to limit them. And the things that are not urgent and not important, those are basically your time wasters. So, you reduce them as much as you can, and if you can ignore them, then do that. 

Going back to the previous analogy that we gave, the rocks, the pebbles, the sand, and the water, these are the four of them. So, the rocks are basically the urgent/important, the pebbles are the important but not urgent, the sand is the urgent and not important, and then the water is the time wasters, which is the not urgent and not important. 

Aadam  1:11:56
Yeah. Again, going back to the Pareto principle of 80/20, 80% of results come from 20% of your actions. You can identify what those actions are and then prioritize those. Thinking about your relationships, your spirituality, hobbies, etc., you can write down your goals for the day or the week. And you can ask yourself, if you could only accomplish one of the goals on that list today, which one goal would have the greatest positive impact on your life? Then pick the second most important goal. And what you'll find is after you complete this exercise, you will have determined most important 20% of your goals that will help you more than anything else. And you should continue to work on those goals that you've chosen as the most valuable all the time. So, it's a very good way of helping you manage your tasks in time. 

Waheed  1:12:47
100%. Another very important principle is “eating the biggest frog first”, you may have heard of this before. The most valuable tasks that you can do each day are often the hardest and the most complex, but the payoff and the rewards for completing them can be tremendous. So, before you begin to work, ask yourself “Is this task in the top 20% of my activities or in the bottom 80%?” The rule for this is: Resist the temptation to clear up the small things first. If you choose to start your day working on low-value tasks, you will soon develop the habit of always starting and working on low value tasks. As Mark Twain says, “Eat a live frog first thing in the morning, and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.” Which basically means that, if you have a very daunting task, do it first thing in the morning when you're really energized, so that you can get it off of your to-do list. And then, once your energy starts dwindling, you can focus on the low-value tasks. 

After deciding on the things that you need to prioritize and your to-do’s and stuff, decide how you will keep your priorities for the day. And that involves the things that you're going to be skipping, the things that will be postponing, things you'll be delegating, so that you can get your focus. Focus on what is not going to be done. This is very important as well. How are you going to deal with distractions or interruptions during the day? Because these are going to happen. Anticipate any challenges that might come, and see how to make sure your tasks are going to get done by budgeting your time and respecting that time and your budget for these particular tasks. So, these are all very important things. After that, you decide on how to make things run smoothly and to go about your day. Again, we'll add more resources in the episode description on focus and awareness and boundary setting for better time management, so make sure to check these out. 

And finally, I'd like to end with a very simple and nice technique that I found to be very beneficial. I'm sure that a lot of you have heard of this, the “Pomodoro technique” which has been developed by Francesco Cirillo in Italy. And “Pomodoro” in Italian is a tomato. Basically, it's a very simple method to balance your focus with deliberate breaks that you can put in your schedule. So, the idea behind this technique is to plan your tasks and ask yourself, how many Pomodoros do you need? Every Pomodoro, or every tomato, is actually 25 minutes of focused work, no interruptions, plus five minutes of break. You give yourself that that 25 minutes of no distraction, complete focus working, and five minutes after that for a break. This is 30 minutes in total is one Pomodoro, which is one tomato, and you don't skip the break, at all. You have to have a break and not work in those five minutes. Then what do you do is you repeat those four tomatoes, so that would be a total of two hours. Then you would take a long break after that. That long break can be 20 minutes, 30 minutes, you can do something fun, you can maybe stretch, you can have a nice snack, you can talk to a friend, whatever it is. That is one way to divide your day. Obviously, it depends on you. There are so many other techniques. But this is just one thing that has helped a lot of us. So maybe it can help you too. 

Aadam  1:16:15
Moving on to a topic I really like is morning routines. love talking about these, because I have long been challenged by having a good morning routine. I've gotten to a better place with them, and we'll share a lot of helpful tips with you about what it should be, or how it should be for you. So, first of all, it all depends on where you are in your life, and this is the most crucial thing. You have to take into account where you are in your life, what age you are, what responsibilities you have, and think about it as well from an Islamic lens. Clearly, we pray Fajr, and may Allah allow us to always pray Fajr on time and not miss it. So, there's this element of prayer for all of us that we would consider. Perhaps some of us might be waking up to pray qiyam al-layl or tahajjud (supererogatory night prayer). 

Waheed  1:17:16
May Allah always give us that blessing as well, and may He make us among those people.  

Aadam  1:17:21
Ameen. There's lots of things that we need to consider. And the reason why we're talking about morning routines is because it sets the tone for the whole day. 

Waheed  1:17:31
Subhan Allah, there's a hadith by the Prophet (PBUH), he said, "بورك لأمتي في بكورها" “There has been a blessing for my Ummah in the early hours of the day.” Waking up early and getting your work done early in the morning is associated with a lot of blessings, subhan Allah, and I'm sure that a lot of us can attest to that. 

Aadam  1:17:51
Yeah, exactly. We have a choice at the beginning of the day to set ourselves up for how the rest of the day will go. We can choose to be in the driver's seat and reorient ourselves and allow us to be productive, etc., and choose what to do rather than react to the day as it unfolds. Having a good routine will help lower our stress, help us to accomplish more as well, especially in the first hours of the morning as per the hadith that you mentioned there, and it boosts our motivation and just give us more focus overall. So, again, what’s in the routine needs to be based on where you are in your life and what works for you. Clearly, for example, someone who's a new parent, they have to consider their newborn, and it may be that the newborn takes up much of that time. I'm giving that as an example, there is no one-size-fits-all here is the point, so we shouldn't compare our routines. There's lots of people who talk about their routines publicly. You'll find loads of videos on YouTube, people take you through their routines. Whilst that might be helpful to get ideas, we should avoid doing a copy and paste job, because people are at different places. But if we run through it, there are a couple of things to consider as part of our routines.

The first one is to make sure we get enough sleep. This is foundational. Everybody's different as to what the optimal is, but roughly 7-8 hours is typically what is quoted as being the amount we need to feel refreshed and to feel physically and mentally recovered. It's very important to note that your body and brain needs sleep to recover. A lack of sleep for weeks and months has a huge effect on your overall health. In order to help this, you can make your bedroom a sanctuary for you, an environment that's conducive to sleep that relaxes you, suits you and helps you fall asleep. You can also use tracking devices and apps. I think most phones do this by default. You can have different watches that you can wear, they help track your sleep and give you a better idea of how good your sleep is, both from a length perspective but also from a quality perspective. This was also spoken about in episode 46 as part of the “bio” aspect of healing complex trauma. 

The next thing is making your bed, and we talked about this before. It sounds so basic, and it's what we tell our children to do. But it is such a simple and powerful way of setting the tone for the day. You might not be aware of this, but there's an actual book about this called Make Your Bed, written by Admiral William H. McRaven. There's also a viral talk that he delivered on the topic all about making your bed and why it's important, and we'll link to the video and the book in the episode description so you can check that out. To explain briefly, you set yourself up for yourself and you accomplish something right at the beginning of the day. You build momentum. And it's something that really is just for you. And it only takes a few minutes. It takes a few minutes to do, and you accomplish a small task right off the bat. And it sets a good tone for the start of your day. Your future self would be proud of you for doing something that your past self has accomplished. It is putting into practice a lot of what we've talked about, this idea of delayed gratification, and it trains us up to do something consistently that will pay off later. So, it's simple, basic, but it works and it's powerful. 

Another thing is to drink water. A glass of water in the morning hydrates and activates your brain. Don't drink coffee or tea first thing in the morning on an empty stomach, that is not a good idea. Water is the best way to go with this. 

What about working out? So, this depends on you. Different people will do this at different times of day. I don't work out in the morning. I don't like doing that. But for some people that is good, and it works, and that's perhaps the only time we can do it. We mentioned Lewis Howes, he has a podcast called “School of Greatness” and he talks about workouts being a safe place for us to implement “structured pain”, to experience structured pain that is in a controlled environment which helps us build confidence, momentum and cleanse our mind. The benefits of physical exercise are felt in our mental space. It's quite phenomenal, actually. If we can do this in the morning, then it’s an amazing way to set the day up. 

The next is cold showers. And I talked about this, I think, in the previous episode. I'm a big advocate. This is a great way to activate your mind and to make you feel alive instantaneously. Especially if you're using cold, freezing water. It makes your body feel awake and alive, it gives you focus and there's lots of benefits to the immune system which are well documented. All you really need to do is one to two minutes of cold exposure. You don't have to push yourself to extreme limits, and you could do that by just finishing the shower with cold water, for example. That's something that I do regularly. Again, it's a very good way to have a sense of structured pain or discomfort that builds resilience in you. The more you do it, the less reactive you'll be to the cold water. You'll start to build resilience to it, which is quite amazing to witness. 

Waheed  1:24:00
It's a step-by-step thing, for sure. Obviously, it goes without saying that we make wudu’ (ablution), we pray Fajr on time, inshaAllah, and that is also definitely part of the morning routine. But I would also like to add that a lot of us would recite our morning athkar (remembrance) as well, and maybe have a morning wird (litany) of Qur’an. It depends on each person's schedule, how busy they are and how quick they have to leave the house. It’s different between different people. I personally like to add an element of meditation early in the morning as part of my morning routine. A few minutes of breathing exercises, conscious awareness, meditation, guided meditation, to be in the present moment, to cultivate a state of awareness, and to practice gratitude which is very important early in the morning. It centers us, it grounds us and it just fills us with positivity, subhan Allah. 

And please, please, please, you’ve probably heard this right and left. Avoid opening social media and news first thing in the morning, or your emails or drowning yourself in messages, etc. Just take time for yourself, and be with Allah, be with yourself, and recharge before you start your day. Center yourself and feel grateful. Have some perspective, some focus, positivity, and remember that every breath you take is a step closer to our last breath. So that puts things in perspective. And think about how you're going to use your day to get closer to your goals, to get closer to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. To be the man or the woman that you want to be, that you aspire to be. To make that day count, inshaAllah. 

Set your intentions for the day, your goals, your vision, the type of energy you want to show up with, in your workplace or in your school, etc. Otherwise, you're just going to be reactive and take in other people's energies and their actions. So have that mindset of success, inshaAllah, and revisit those goals that you have written down or that vision of your life, that mission that you have for this month or this year. Set up your intentions for the day, and be proactive and create rather than reacting to things. Try to envision how your day is going to be like, have a clear schedule of how you are going to spend your time, because time is a very valuable resource. It's a blessing from Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. What you're going to do, where you're going to be, when are you going to show up, how you're going to show up. This gives you a sense of clarity to go about your day. And notice that if you do these things (even some of them, depending on how much you can do), you have already accomplished so much in the morning by the time that you show up into work or to your studies. Again, don't throw everything on your plate at once. Just try two or three things that take a few moments to accomplish. Think about them the night before. Be consistent, take it one day at a time. Try it for seven days, be consistent for seven days, and then take it a step further after that. 

And it also helps to have an accountability partner who is also trying to build his or her morning routine in the morning, to check in with each other, to provide support for each other. Again, remember the 20/90 rule, take it as a daily commitment, and things will become habits. Just commit yourself on a consistent basis to achieving that. And don't skip what you're trying to accomplish for more than two days in a row. As Aadam was saying before, there is a rule of not skipping something for more than two days, and this was propagated by YouTuber Matt D’Avella in his two-day rule. And we'll add a link in the episode description also for you guys to check out. 

This is basically a sketch of a morning routine that we hope, inshaAllah, will help you on your journey of self-discipline and building habits. 

Aadam  1:28:21
And the final part of our episode today is all about dealing with failure. As flawed humans, it's inevitable that sometimes we might not succeed in always doing our habits, or we might get tired, lazy or we might fall off the wagon, so to speak. But it's important that we have a strategy in place, so that we can deal with those situations, and that we don't completely fall away from our vision and the purpose that we have outlined for ourselves. 

So, to start off, Giovanni Dienstmann, in his book, Mindful Self-Discipline, he says, “Overcoming failure is about two different skills. The first skill is preparing for failure, so that it is less likely to happen, and if it does, you can recover quickly. The second skill is learning how to fail gracefully, so that you don’t fall into a pit of negative emotions such as shame, discouragement, self-loathing, or panic.”

So, preparing for failure - the first skill, it’s about having a contingency plan. “If this happens, then I will do that.” For example, say your goal is to exercise daily for 30 minutes. What if you don't wake up on time, and you've said you would do it in the morning? Well, then you would do it in the evening after work. Or “I feel extremely tired”, then cut it in half, but do it nonetheless. “I don't feel motivated”, I'm not expecting motivation, therefore I'm going to do anyway. Or what if my phone rings? Leave it in airplane mode or call the person back at another time. Basically, think of the obstacles on the way, and create a contingency plan. “If this, then that”, and revise it regularly. 

So, what about the next skill, which is failing gracefully? What does that even mean? So this means that if we fail with whatever we’re supposed to do, for example, failing a test, or doing some type of life-planning, a work assignment, perhaps we relapsed on our recovery, etc., we would use the ALFA method. The acronym ALFA - we would Acknowledge, Learn, Forgive and Act. As we said before, shaming does not work, and we've spoken about this at great length in the podcast, across a number of different episodes. But to emphasize, shaming ourselves and self-loathing will not work. It will not give us the change that we want. There's a difference between guilt and shame - guilt is “I have done something wrong”, while shame is “I am wrong.” We need to be mindful. Guilt can be helpful, we can use it to acknowledge, learn, forgive and act. Shame is destructive, it will drag us down. So we have to be very wary of that.

Waheed  1:31:13
Absolutely. The ALFA method is to acknowledge, learn, forgive and act. You acknowledge and take ownership of what has happened without beating yourself up, you describe it in emotionally-neutral language. So instead of saying, “Ah! I messed up again, I'm such a failure,” and blah, blah, blah, you would say, “I chose to procrastinate, and now the project is late.” Just be neutral, be objective, and describe what has happened and take ownership of that. L is Learn. What can you learn about the situation and about yourself? What triggered you to act this way? What will you change so this doesn't happen again? So this is the learning part. F is to Forgive. Remember that you are human, release all the narratives of self-criticism and the shame and the blame. You made a mistake, you feel guilty and that's healthy. It's now in the past. If it's a sin, we make tawbah, we make true repentance to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, we make amends with the people we have hurt, if we have done so, and we move on. We repair the damage, if possible, and we focus on being ready to move on, and that is very important. And then A is Act. You start again. Remember the importance of your goals. Gently, but resolutely recommit to your goals and habits. Get up as many times as you fall, this is what really matters at the end of the day. 

Your goals are more important than your failures. Remember why they really matter, and know that everything else shall pass, inshaAllah. For inspiration, you can also read success stories of people who did what you are attempting to do, and the failures that they faced along the way, and this would give you a lot of inspiration. Do whatever you need to do to move on from the self-pity stage. A lot of us engage in that. So, you can once again be on the track with living your life that you choose, inshaAllah, that is in line with your values and your goals. 

1:33:18
And with this, we have come to the end of today's episode, which was part two on self-discipline, and we hope that you guys have enjoyed these two episodes and found them beneficial, inshaAllah. In the next episode, Aadam and I are going to be talking about self-esteem in a two-episode series, which will wrap up season four of the podcast. Until then, stay safe and healthy. This has been Aadam Ali and Waheed Jensen in “A Way Beyond the Rainbow”, assalamu alaikom wa rahmatullahi ta’ala wa barakatuh.