How to Feel More Loved

Kushkin.

Most people think to feel more loved, I need to change myself. I need to make myself more lovable, or I need to change the other person. I need to convince them to love me more. But it's actually not the right approach.

Most of us wouldn't mind feeling a bit more loved and at least one of our relationships. Psychology professor Sonya Lubermirski is here to help. Drawing on decades of research, her new book puts the pieces together on how best to do this.

You don't have to change yourself, you don't have to change the other person. You just have to change the conversation.

On today's show by feeling more loved may be easier than you think. I'm Maya Shunker, a scientist who studies human behavior, and this is a slight change of plans, a show about who we are and who we become in the face of a big change. Sonya is a happiness scientist at UC Riverside. Her latest book, How to Feel Loved, is co written with relationship scientist Harry Reese. They define feeling loved as the experience of being truly seen and validated for who you are, which can come

I've been happiness scientists for thirty six and a half years now, and for most of those years, my lab and I have been doing what are called happiness interventions, which are basically clinical trials, but instead of testing a new vaccine, we're testing a happiness practice.

So we randomly assign people.

To write gratitude letters, or to count their blessings, or to do acts of kindness for others. And then, a number of years ago I realized that almost all of the interventions that work to make us happier, the reason they work is they make us feel more connected to and loved by others.

Almost all of them.

You can imagine, like, I don't know, if you're meditating or running on the beach, maybe it's not about feeling loved by others, although even those things often have to do with connection. But when I write a gratitude letter to my mom, it makes me feel more loved by her. When I do an act of kindness for my best friend, it makes me feel more loved or connected or close, sir.

Yeah, but I mean it feels so intuitively true to me to hear that. How did it feel like when you, sonia feel very loved by someone? How does it make you feel in your body? How would you describe that?

We all have kind of a go to negative emotion, right, whether it's anger or anxiety or sadness. For me is anxiety. That's sort of my most common negative emotions. And when I feel really loved, I think that anxiety really goes down or is really like gone. It's like sort of this feeling of safety, of warmth. They're just kind of like just full of just something wonderful. It's like a cup of love.

Yeah.

Oh, I love that.

You make a distinction early on in the book that I found super helpful as a reader, which is a distinction between being loved and feeling loved. Tell me more about the difference between those two.

It was kind of a very important part of our book. An important starting point is that a lot of people are loved, but they don't feel loved. And Harry and I actually did a survey expressly for our book where we found that seventy percent reported wanting to feel more loved and at least one relationship in their lives, and forty percent said they wish they were they felt more loved by their romantic partner. I actually think those numbers

And interestingly, those moments weren't always when we lacked people who've loved us. They might have had much more to do with our internal state.

Yeah, so you can be loved, but for some reason, I think there's many reasons that it's somehow not getting internalized. Kind of like we all know people who are beautiful, but they don't feel beautiful. We know people who are smart, but they don't think they're smart. Right, So you can be loved and not feel loved.

Yeah.

I interviewed the former Surgeon General Vivig Morphy, who I know you also reference in your book about loneliness, and he also draws a similar distinction. Right, loneliness is a state of mind. You can be an isolation and not feel lonely at all. Likewise, you can be surrounded by your friends and still feel acute loneliness.

Right, Absolutely, and we actually make I think moments of not feeling loved and moments of feeling lonely are very tightly linked. They're not exactly the same thing, but I think they're very very linked. When you don't feel loved, you feel lonely, or you feel like you don't belong. You can be surrounded by people and friends and family and still not feel loved.

You know. I think we all intuitively understand why feeling loved is important, and that's because it just feels so damn good to feel loved, and it feels pretty bad to lack that love. From a biological perspective, though, what happens when we don't feel What are the consequences? There are so many challenges in the world right now that we could be focusing our energy on, and it's easy

It feels like a luxury, right, a luxury luxury exactly, it's absolutely not a luxury because there's just so many kind of ripple effects that might happen if you don't feel loved. So I'm not a neuroscientist, but the brains that people who don't feel loved look differently from the brains who do. There's all kinds of adverse health effects if you don't feel loved. It's very similar actually to the research on un loneliness.

What about the benefits of feeling loved? What well being outcomes do we tend to see for those folks.

My colleagues and I have written papers on what happens when you're happier, and like, basically people who feel loved, who are happier, they're more successful in life. Right, They're healthier, their relationships are stronger, even like, they're even more successful

Right.

Happier people are more creative, they're more productive at work, they have stronger friendships, They're more likely to find someone who wants to marry them, they have less pain, they their immune systems are stronger, they recover faster from surgery. So all kinds of sort of benefits a crew to people who feel loved and who are happier as a result.

Yeah, and one finding I thought was so relevant for the slight change of Plans audience is that feeling love can make you more resilient by reducing stress and helping you cope better with challenges.

Absolutely, It's like, yeah, you can think of it as a resource.

Right, It's like, when your cup of love is full, you're able to take on challenges when there's conflict, right, Like you're able to sort of handle it better.

So yeah.

But one of the findings that resonated a lot with me but might be somewhat surprising, is that many experiences of feeling loved occurred not in response to grand gestures, but two smaller, more everyday moments. What do you think is at play there? Why do you think we respond more to those every day smaller like oh, here's your favorite cup of coffee or right.

What we found is that when you feel like someone really gets you, they realize you want that cup of coffee before you even asked for it, or before maybe you even realize you need it. It's very special. It's that those are the moments that you feel really loved. And it's interesting there's a parallel with happiness research, right, because happiness is also the biggest contributors to happiness.

Aren't those big moments like.

Yes, it's great to graduate from college or to get married, you know, to have or like suddenly you know, win the lottery, right, But it's really it's really the everyday moments that add up that aggregate to make you a happier person. And it's interesting that that there's that parallel with feeling loved as well as those like everyday moments where you feel understood, you feel valued, you feel cared for, you feel loved.

I've heard you challenge the popular refrain that we must learn to love ourselves first before we can feel loved by others. So I know so many people who will say things like, well, I don't even want to start dating until I fully figured myself out right, until I feel one hundred percent comfortable with who I am. But you say, no, it's actually there's a bi directional relationship between feeling love for oneself and then feeling love by others, and they can lead to this virtuous cycle if you're

Yeah. Absolutely, I think that's such an important point, and I think I actually heard it first. I have to give credit from Esther Perell. I think she's actually I remember hearing she's one of my role models. In an interview, she was like, no, of course, it goes in both directions, Like, yes, when I love myself more, I think there is a lot that can happen that will make it easier for me to feel loved by others. But on the other hand, we learn to love ourselves in the context of relationships,

Yeah, And I think this is so important to emphasize because one, it's elusive to ever feel like you've checked the box on self love. And so I don't want people waiting on implementing some of your advice until they get to that elusive north star. We are inherently social creatures, we're of course going to take signals about how lovable we actually are and how worthy we are from other humans and their love for us. And I think that's

And also I don't even know what it means to check the box on self will right, Like, Okay, now I'm done.

Yeah exactly.

We're all involved there, Yeah.

Exactly, We're all evolving and growing and developing all the time. Wonderful, we should keep doing that.

Yeah. What do you think are some of the biggest mistakes people make when it comes to their need to feel loved, their desire desperation to feel loved.

Yeah, it's interesting.

So when we don't feel loved, I think we often think, well, I need to make myself more lovable, right, Like I need to change myself in some way.

Maybe I need to make more money or become you know.

The extrinsic goals the psychologists study that actually are not related to happiness or like money, fame, beauty, power, status, Those are the things that we think, like, if we had more of those than maybe I'll feel more loved. And then and then we think we need to again we need to sort of convince the other person that I'm wonderful, broadcast these positive qualities I have, and maybe hide my weaknesses and shortcomings because that person I want

It's actually showing more of ourselves.

Like being a little bit more vulnerable doesn't have to be sort of sharing our deepest secrets or traumas. But it's when we show more of ourselves that we feel we actually feel more loved, because if we don't, we'll always wonder like, would he or she love me if they knew the full meal? Me?

Yeah, ye, me, Like we'll always wonder that.

I mean, it feels so obvious to say, but you know it is striking. Like when you listen to wedding vows. When you listen to people pronounce their love for other people, they never say I love you because you appreciate all the wonderful qualities about me, my humor and my smile. They say, I love you and I love this relationship because you appreciate me despite my flaws, despite my quirks, despite all the annoying things about me that I've revealed

It's a great example.

Someone told me a screenwriter or give them advice about writing, and they said, if you want to write a character who no one connects with, make them perfect. So if you want to create a character that no one connects with,

We'll be back in a moment with a slight change of plans. To start feeling more loved in our relationships, Sonia says we need to change the way we connect with others. She's come up with five strategies we can use to approach our conversations differently. The first is what she calls a sharing mindset.

If the key to feeling loved is to be known, then sharing is really important. So when you ask me, how are you, sonya, instead of saying fine, which is what I probably do for ninety five percent of the time, I might say, oh, you know, I had a kind of a rough morning this morning. But it doesn't assuven negative even I mean, sharing could be I'm sharing my sort of true opinion about something and I'm not even sure you share that opinion, right, but I'm willing to

Just yesterday actually a friend was.

Reading my book and she's like, well, what are the questions that I could ask to get people to share?

And I think we all have our own, you know, we can come up with.

But one of them, one of my favorites is, you know, what's been on your mind a lot lately? You know, what are you thinking a lot? You know, when you're going to sleep, when you wake up in the morning, what is on your mind? Because people can choose how to answer that, right. You can go really deep, or you can go you know, medium.

Yeah, when you embrace a sharing mindset and you open yourself up to this transparency and emotional intimacy, you also say that it can actually help, whether it can help you as a unit, whether it's a friendship or a parent child dynamic, or a romantic relationship, whether conflict and change and turmoil. When there is that kind of sharing and transparency, it helps people understand, oh, look, I don't actually have to be perfect to be worthy of love

Yeah, exactly, exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah, So when you're when you're sharing with each other and you you you see that both of you, right have strength and weaknesses, and then you don't feel like, oh my god, like this the relationship is going to end, you know, because the person is going to see that I'm weak or that I have this fault. And then what that means is it gives you sort of a

Right. Yeah. And it's not just the feeling of oh, I'm not going to be weak, it's the love in this relationship is not fully un threat. I can reveal that I'm aired in some way and the person will still love me. I'll still feel loved by them. So capable, in fact, maybe more because I revealed this weakness. The second mindset shift that you encourage us to embrace is a listening to learn mindset. So you say, look, oftentimes in conversation, we're not really listening. We're preparing our next

It's so interesting. So most of us are not very good listeners.

Actually, I was just reading some surveys that showed that most most people think they're good listeners, but they think other people are bad listeners.

Oh my gosh, that's fun.

And also another survey that found that our minds are wandering at least twenty five percent of the time when we're listening, right, So that's a quarter of the time, and I think that's maybe it's even more. I mean, maybe that's what the survey found.

Sorry, so I'm just kidding, dad joke.

So most of us are not very good listeners, myself included, because and actually my theory is our whole life, our whole schooling, right, we're taught to like listen to respond, you know, like like the teachers say something and they might call on us at any moment, or the professor in college or our parents, and we need to have sort of an answer ready.

And so that's actually like the.

Sort of epiphany I had recently that maybe that's why we're usually listening to respond instead of what we call listening to learn, which is really like ideally.

Should be our goal.

So instead of mentally rehearsing our answer or the next thing we want to say or this is our story, we are just truly listening to learn. And the best example, i mean, the best kind of like metaphor that someone gave me recently was treat the other person talking as

So and with the movie, I mean, you have a lot to gain from paying attention. You're trying to figure out, oh, what's this part of the plot and is their clue sitting in the scene right exactly.

I mean, of course your mind can wander during a movie, but you know, yeah, so I like that. I really like that because it's very intuitive. Like just imagine it's a film, and so you're sort of listening to learn. But then what's really important also is to show that you're listening to learn, and not just by nodding and making eye contact. I mean, that's good, but often people can fake that. Yeah, but by asking questions and by asking the kinds of questions that show that you were

She'll take notes and.

Then she'll like have insights or questions that take it to even to another level, so I know she's truly listening.

Right, And to connect the dots to feeling loved is the idea that when you listen to learn and you have that mindset, you are helping to build the foundation for the kind of vulnerability and openness that is so crucial for feeling loved.

That's right.

The idea is that when you're sharing, when you're telling your story, I'm getting to know you so that I help you feel loved by getting to know you better. And then when you're sharing your story, by truly listening to you, listening to learn, I help you kind of feel loved and I help you open up even more. Curiosity is so important but also so rare, right, Like when was the last time you remember that someone was so curious about you?

Right?

Like, maybe you're telling a story and they just and they're leaning in and they're like eyes are bright and they just couldn't wait.

For you to share your story. It's kind of priceless.

When it happens right, it really makes you feel no and loved. And so we actually start by with radical curiosity, kind of backing up.

If you don't feel loved.

Our recommendation is that you make the other person feel loved first. And sometimes it seems a little bit unfair, but that's that's how we think it should go. So if I want to feel more loved by my romantic partner, I need to go first. So we develop this idea of the relationship seesaw. We spell it C like sea like under the C because we imagine a seesaw that's partially submerged underwater. And let's say let's say me and my romantic partner are sitting on both sides of the seesaw.

And so how do I do that?

You first show curiosity in them. I actually have an example from my twelve year old daughter told me that she has this classmate and she was really excited about some sport I don't even remember what it is, like some obscure sport and she's like, no one else like

She was so excited, went.

On or on or not right, because she was asking her about this thing that she really cared about. So anyway, that's like this idea that you feel so like seen when people are really curious about you. So yeah, you show curiosity, the other person hopefully will respond by sharing, and then you respond by listening to learn.

Yeah. I've definitely had the experience where after some long day, I'll call one of my best friends or I'll talk to my husband about my day, and there are moments where I just say, thank you so much for caring about the boring minutia of my life, Like how rare is it to find someone who wants to hear the play by play of how my meeting went with my boss or how this other event happened. And it is one of the most rewarding things in life to feel like people truly care.

Yeah, yeah, actually, I thank you for that example because I actually often use the example of, like we all know people who kind of go on and on about

Yes, okay, So just to summarize at this point, we approach the conversation with radical curiosity, right. We try to be genuinely interested in what they're saying, they share, and then we adopt a listening to learn mindset, So rather than just focusing our next response, we actually absorb what

Exactly.

There's two other mindset shifts, and I wonder if you could just quickly go over which is the open hearted mindset and the multiplicity mindset.

Right, And those actually go really very nicely along with the other three mindset So again, imagine we're having this conversation. I'm curious, you're sharing, I'm listening. So the open heart mindset is actually the one that characterizes most relationships already. So open heart is basically having warmth for the other person. Warmth compassion, believe it in them, believing in their dreams. And so when you're opening up, I show that I really care.

Right, So I'm not just.

Listening because I'm intellectually curious.

I actually really care.

I want you to be happy. I kind of like it, like open heart is basically, I want you to be happy. I want you to be well. I'm kind to you, I believe in you. And then the last mindset is actually one of maybe my favorite, actually lift mine too, Yeah, yeah, absolutely, It's called the multiplicity mindset.

People contain multitudes?

Is that funny? Exactly?

We all contain multitudes. We're all a quilt of many, many things, of both positive and negative qualities. Right, So sometimes I'm kind and sometimes I'm selfish, Right, sometimes I'm loyal, and sometimes I'm a little narcissistic. And we're all like that, right, we kind of know that, but to really accept that in ourselves and in others, right, this idea that we're all many things, that one trait, one bad behavior, or

If I use a multiplicity.

Lens, then I sort of accept you, and I understand that that's part of being human. And by the way, like I'm not saying that we should sort of accept everything. Yeah, using them multiplicity lens doesn't mean that we justify or condone or excuse other people's behavior. It's just that we sort of see them in all of their complexity. I think as the older I get that I feel like I have more compassion for others sort of faults, fault of forthcomings.

You devote an entire chapter at the end of your book to how there are individual differences in people, right when it comes to how they both give and receive love. So, for example, someone's personality, or their cultural background, or their mental health status. Can you speak to some of these factors and how we should incorporate them into our adoption of these different mindsets.

Yeah, really important question because we have a chapter on yeah, individual differences, but also a chapter on different relationships and how these mindsets might play out in different relationships, like with your kids versus with your colleagues. I think the one that stands out for me are cultural differences right there.

Yeah, that's some of the differences.

The idea that we have control over how love we feel is going to be so empowering for so many people who can let out a sigh of relief and think, Okay, I don't have to overhaul my whole life or the structure of my relationships. There are things that are more within my control. I'm curious, since you've released the book and you've heard from readers and listeners, is there a story of someone who has taken the advice in your book and applied it to their lives to good effect.

Yeah.

One person wrote to me and they said that they were going to a dinner that night and they had just read the Listening to Learn chapter and so they were using the listening techniques at the dinner, and so that was beautiful. A lot more people are sharing. I mean, my friends and the people I hang out with tend to be sharers already, but just sharing a little more, right, Like just share five percent more than you usually do. And so I encourage everyone to experiment sort of in

Hey, thanks so much for listening. We'll include a link to the book How to Feel Loved in the show notes. And if you're enjoying A Slight Change of Plans, we'd be so grateful if you could follow the show wherever you listen to podcasts. We'll be back in a week with another episode. I'll see you then. A Slight Change of Plans is created, written, and executive produced by me

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