Cindy Thompson A Resilience Project Podcast
Cindy’s Solo Podcast June 2022
EP81: Cindy Thompson - Who are you becoming?
Cindy Thompson
Well I am back for a solo episode. I hope everyone is doing well, and if you are having a challenging day I hope you are relying on your resilience skill set!
As I celebrated turning 58 in June, I have noticed that I have had some strong feelings about this birthday. At first, I was not sure why this one stood out, or why 58? It isn’t even one of the big milestone birthdays!
I have a number of friends who are my age and a bit older. I asked them what aging has been like for them. I really appreciate the honest, vulnerable and eye-opening answers they gave.
Some of the women admitted it can feel lonely particularly for those who have lost a spouse. Something I had not considered, is that since retirement they no longer get to see their co-workers. Although for some of them, they have traded the office visits for connecting on the golf course. Others suggested when they let their hair turn grey, they were suddenly viewed primarily as an old lady. Others suggested since retiring they don’t feel as useful as they once did. Many of them agreed they feel invisible. On the other hand, one friend pointed out that she took up curling at 65. This sounds like a great way to cope with the changes associated with retirement. What are you letting go of and what are you adding in?
This inspired me to jump on here to talk about resilience in aging and the mindset we might have as we journey through the stages of life.
I am curious whether you have taken stock of various birthdays, milestones and found reason to celebrate who you are becoming? Are you celebrating or are you mourning this stage of life you are in?
As this birthday was approaching, I have been thinking about some of the markers, memories and areas of growth that have led me to this moment. In talking with my friends, I was reminded of the need we have as humans to be seen, heard and understood. At any age!
I hope you don’t mind coming on a little adventure with me as I reflect on who I am today, what I have been discovering and what I am practicing at letting go of.
Over the years I never really felt sad about birthdays. I am typically quite honest about my age, but this one feltdifferent. When there is a disturbance, tension or anxiety in my body, I try to go inward to understand what it means. What is it telling me? Why this one? 58 isn’t even a significant marker birthday like 40, 50 or 60 might be.
For most of my life I have been told that looked younger than I was. In fact in my late 20’s when I was working at Child & Youth MH I bought a pair of fake glasses to make myself look older or more credible. This happened shortly after a parent of a 13-year-old asked how old I was, because she didn’t think I looked much older than her daughter. The irony is that I wanted to be seen as credible, mature and worthy of being in that position. Can anyone else relate?
Is I dug deep and stayed curious as to what was creating this new disturbance inside me, I realized it isn’t really about looks as much as it is about time. Time to do the things I love, to go on adventures, or make a difference in this world.
At this stage of life our friends might be grandparents, or having family gatherings on Sunday nights for dinner as their adult children drop in for visits. In our case both of our adult children live far away. Other than phone calls once a week or so, we are living like we did before having our family. How I look at it, is that our children are born TO us, not for us! Our job is to help prepare them to fly. If your adult children have had the courage and confidence to pursue their dreams, have been willing to move across the world or take risks to do what makes them happy, you have done your job. Now, go out and remember what is going to make you happy. Your kids should not be the only thing that brings you joy! That is way too much pressure on them.
Over the past 4-5 years as our adult kids have been pursuing their goals, we have become empty nesters. Instead of slowing down and moving toward retirement we have leaned into the things that bring us joy. Whether it was starting the podcast, adding coaching to my practice, taking up sailing, or coaching leaders with Leadership Vancouver Island, there is freedom in choosing how we spend our time. As I find great reward in doing so many interesting things, I sometimes worry I will get the opportunity to do it all.
Full disclosure, and this may seem funny coming from someone who is a coach, for most of my life I have not set big goals for myself. Instead, I am more likely to let one area of growth carry me into the next. I suspect that in my 20s I didn’t have the confidence to dream big. I am a fairly cautious person by nature and somewhat risk adverse. Although I can look back and see all the ways that I grew in my 20’s, it was not always a result of best-laid plans. I knew I wanted to go to university for example, and that I wanted to work with people in a helping way, but I didn’t have specific clear goals in mind.
I look back on all the people that served as a guide for me. AT a time when I couldn’t see my gifts or recognize my calling, others could. It doesn’t have to be immediate family that are your your greatest cheerleaders. For examples, as I majored in Sociology and minored in Psychology my dad would ask what I’m going to take next…since I had already taken all the easy courses. Its ok that he didn’t understand it, I just knew these courses were interesting to me. Sometimes this is the little spark inside you that is leading you to the next steps.
Whether it is friends, family or even coaching, I have a greater appreciation for the role community plays in helping us get to move forward. Too often our limited beliefs hold us back.
What is funny to me now, is that I am encouraging clients to set big scary goals. Part of moving toward these goals, however, is figuring out who is going to help you get there. I have had some pretty amazing, influential people who have guided me to become who I am today. You will see on our podcast website that my husband Robert has self-proclaimed himself to be the president of my fan club. This is so sweet and endearing but I can honestly say that since we met in 1991 he has encouraged me, supported me and believed in my potential long before I could.
It is important to surround yourself with people who are inspired and inspiring.
According to Erickson’s stages of Psychosocial Development, I am in the stage of life where people are faced with generativity vs stagnation. Generally speaking, this middle age is a time when we are seeking a sense of purpose & meaning. How are we contributing to the world? For many this might be through family, work or volunteering. I can think of clients who were retired, their kids are grown and live away and they are feeling a lack of purpose. One client, a retired teacher was feeling suicidal. As it happened, I had a young couple I was seeing that did not have family near by. They had two little ones, and no time to invest in themselves. With each of their permission, I connected them. A few months later the retiree dropped off a card to say thank you, she has never felt better! She was picking out library books and could not wait for Mondays so that she could read to these little ones. Sometimes we just need to get creative!
PODCAST – giving back and learning something new
This brings me to the podcast. I had no idea what I was getting into when I started the podcast. Here is what I have been learning: When you are doing something that is meaningful people are willing to get behind it. What I did know is that I wanted to continue giving back, and to learn something new! If you haven’t already heard one of my first solo episodes, I spoke of how I fell into the idea of starting a podcast.
You now know that I typically do not set big goals. This was the case when I first started the podcast. Keeping in mind that I was on a massive learning curve and had no idea what I was doing, I thought “if this just helps one person it will be worth it”. I could not have imagined that people would be listening from over 64 countries or territories, or that we would hit a milestone of 10,000 downloads within 17 months.
In reality, I couldn’t do it without the amazing team that help pull this together! They truly are a gift. Check out our website on our team page to get a glimpse of these sweet humans.
Do I want the podcast to be successful? Absolutely. Do I have big goals to generate income from it? This one is tricky. If we were to generate income, I would want to give back to some of the causes we have profiled in the podcast.
A good example of this, is our T-shirt fundraiser we are running in support of Ukraine. With each t-shirt purchased an average of $11 will be donated through Red cross. When we can’t change world events, we can focus on areas within our control. My paternal grandparents immigrated from Ukraine, and left a number of family members behind to start a new life in Canada. So this feels close and personal in my family. When my father was a young boy starting school in Manitoba, he did not speak a word of English. He felt like an outsider. I can only imagine how many families from Ukraine are going through this right now, and I want to help. When we are able to make a difference in the lives of others it creates endorphins in our bodies, providing a sense of well-being that can last for hours. Think of it likea two for one deal! Who doesn’t like a deal?
So if you are someone who is feeling a bit lost, unsure of whether you have left a mark on this world, pick something you can invest your time in. With no expectation of return. You might be surprised by the sense of well-being you gain in the process.
If you have a goal or big dream don’t be afraid to share it with others. If you are not sure how to make it through that next challenge, find a mentor, or ask a friend for help. You might be surprised who is willing to show up!
And despite the fact that I have not typically set big hairy goals for myself, I have also discovered the fact that small steps in the right direction will still help you land in some pretty remarkable places. An example that comes to mind is when we are sailing, tightening your sail slightly will give you more speed. And adjusting the course you are on by 10% will make all the difference in where you land.
COACHING- Keeping things new and exciting
The other key to resilience and well-being I have discovered is to “Never stop learning”. What this looks like for each of you will be unique and reflective of what inspires you. Breathing new life into my work for example has been a way of preventing burnout, continuing to grow and learn while also surrounding myself with people I can learn from. I like to be fed by reading, hearing the stories of others, and tapping into the creative ways in which we can learn from those who have come before us. I can’t recall where I heard this, but a number of years ago it was suggested that we all should have a mentor that is younger than us. In learning from those who are bring fresh new ideas with unique perspectives on the world.
As we reinvent ourselves, we are taking time to be creative and assessing who we are becoming. Initially I thought I had to choose Counselling or Coaching. But what I have realized is that these skills are woven into the fabric of my being. I am showing up with all my failures, challenges, life learnings, experiences as a parent, wife and most importantly as a human just like you. Perfectly imperfect. I just have more of these years to pull from at 58!
When I have moments of struggling with my aging, I just need to remind myself that all of these stories have been leading to this moment. How can I use them to the greatest benefit of others?
On this note I would like to talk about building on our STRENGTHS – you haven’t come this far to only come this far
If any of you have taken the Clifton Strengths finder, It is really interesting to see what your top 5-10 strengths might be.
It was really interesting to discover that my top 5 strengths in this combination are found in 1 in 33 million people. It won’t come as a surprise to learn that the top 6 are all under the category of Relations Builder. Empathy, Connectedness, Developer, Harmony and Adaptability are the top 5.
As a side story - What I find hilarious, is my husband Robert who has a natural tendency to help others be their best immediately wanted to know what qualities I was not as strong in. He really is very supportive, but also wants to help you grow. The goal in understanding your strengths is to learn how you can apply your strongest CliftonStrengths every day, to share your results with other to create stronger relationships and improve teamwork.
What if you did this earlier in your life and career to understand yourself better? So often in our 20’s and 30’s we are comparing ourselves to others or trying to measure up in some way. In hindsight I wish I could have celebrated these qualities and strengths in myself sooner. (But I’m not going to that scarcity mindset again!)
Really, what we are talking about here is WHO YOU BE in the world, not what you do! This means not comparing to others but following YOUR path. (Headlamp)
I picked up a book recently called “The Possibility of you”. With the pages of this book it is inviting the reader to consider that at any age you have an opportunity to reshape how you define yourself. My hope is that you can celebrate who you BE each day, and place less emphasis on what you do.
Over the early stages of your life you are still writing some of those pivotal chapters. Within the pages of your story are some of the most beautiful, amazing adventures and yet some of the most painful experiences. I recall the pain of breakups, family illness, losses and some hilarious experiences with friends. Each of these parts of our story are building on the previous one.
BALANCE – making more time to play, take holidays and yet do the meaningful work.
This is truly an ongoing practice for me. When you love doing so many things it can be difficult to prioritize. What I have been trying to do is use my values as a guide to how I invest my time. Because if we are investing our time, we are not just spending time. You will be sure that what you are doing is of priority to you.
A fun little exercise is to write down a list of top 10 values. From there I invite you to narrow this list of values down to 3 or 4. Let’s say that family, growth and health are your top 3. These values can then serve as a guide for you. When you have multiple options to choose from and feeling torn in many directions, you will make sure to attend the dance recital for your child. Knowing health is also really important to you, you are likely to build in the opportunity to eat well and exercise before committing your time elsewhere.
Balance is one of the values in my top 5. I try to carve out time to rest, exercise 5 days a week to stay emotionally well, to work hard but also spend time with my husband or with our kids when they are here. I am curious what values you might be using as your guide?
One other thing I hoped to mention in this episode, is to CREATE MORE STORIES. We have all been through a lot in the past 2 years, and if there is anything that might inspire you to live life more fully, the pandemic has likely reminded us all to seize the moment.
I also want to point out, If you want to have a testimony, there needs to be a test. Some of the greatest areas of growth occur when you have gone through challenges. Only dead people no longer have challenges. These challenges may involve learning something new, developing a new habit. This is a great reminder at any stage of life. Dr. Susan David would suggest that discomfort is the price of admission to a worthwhile life. So let’s live it to the fullest.
One of the gifts of being at this age is that I am willing to be more vulnerable, to share my mistakes and no longer let these experiences define me. In your 20’s and 30’s you are still writing that story and may not have had the same experiences to draw on. It is almost like in this stage you have survived many of those embarrassing moments, have a better sense of who you are and have discovered that nobody really cares. They will forget so you can too.
In the words of Katie Arnold, “there are so many ways to be alive in the world”. What are you doing to live your best life right now? I hope you are celebrating the age you are, and living into it fully. I am personally committed to watching for the my scarcity mindset and to trust there will be enough time to do all the things I love. When we use each day in alignment with our values there are fewer regrets.
What can you do today that might adjust your course by 10%? It can be learning something new, developing a new habit, or living more in alignment with your values. I look forward learning where you might land in 3 months, 6 months or a year.
Thank you for being here on this journey with us. Whether this is the first episode you have listened to, or you have been a listener from the start, your presence here is important. If you are enjoying the podcast, I humbly ask that you rate and comment on the podcast platform of your preference.
And Remember friends, Adversity is inevitable while Resilience is a practice.