Becky Sampson on Faith after Fallout

And the goal here is hearkening back to Elder Stevenson's 2024 October general conference talk where he talked about the next 10 years being a decade never to be forgotten. And here's what I'm learning. Uh, everybody has a life. They go through trials and we get to look back and we see this perfect line of how God made things happen, just how they needed to. And it's amazing. And what I'm trying to do with this is share that line as it's happening.

There's going to be trials, there's going to be frustration. There's going to be sadness. There's going to be disappointment over the next 10 years with each of the people that we're talking to and. I wanna capture that in the moment so that you can say, here's what's happening. I'm frustrated. It's not what I want. But later we can see that it's what God had in store. So that's the whole purpose here. Uh, thank you so much for joining us today.

We have Becky Sampson. Becky, welcome to a decade, never to be Forgotten. So excited to have you here.

And, you know, you can tell whatever parts of the story you think are important right now, and we've got the next 10 years together so we can, we can bring up something.

My mom was from Salt Lake, um, but they ended up in California where my dad was a professor and he taught accounting, but his number one love was to start a summer camp. kids in southern Utah here. I actually, I'm back in the Richfield area now. Funny story. But, um, but he started the summer camp for every summer of our lives. We would come out to, um, a place called Bik Mill, Utah, just outside of, um, capital Reef National Park.

Well, I was the fourth child down of five, and when I came out, my mom said, man, I had one leg out. And you were out the door like you were, was, I was ready to, to conquer the world. And, um, and that really was a defining moment for our family because I think I came out with more energy than anybody else. Um, and I, and many times they didn't know how to handle that level of energy and, um, gusto so to speak.

As I've done a lot of internal work in my life, I can kind of see that was when my turning point was in my life where I felt like I had to kind of more restrain myself because, of certain things that happened in my life, and I know it sounds kind of strange to some people that this would be something that, affected me. But I had an older brother, not my oldest brother, but my second oldest brother, and he was a basketball star. The star of the family, like everybody wanted to be in his life.

And at a young age, I think I looked up to him and wanted to be like him. I wanted to be liked by him. I wanted to be accepted by hi like him. And many times he would say to me, he's like, Becky, why is the sky blue? Go away. We don't want you here. And, I come from a really good family, just so you know.

at a young age, I started internalizing that, that I needed to be quiet. I needed to, hold back. I needed to not express myself. And that I wasn't acceptable. Another defining moment for me was I also struggled with staying still, right? And a lot of people talk about this now because we, we talk so openly about it.

in school I was so afraid to look stupid that when I took tests, I would bubble in the, the little, you know how it used to be like a, B, C, DE, F or whatever, and you put your little pencil and you go A, C, D, F, and I, instead of reading and then comprehending what I was reading, I would just bubble it all in. and then they came to me one day and said, I had a reading disability. And I was like, oh, they don't know anything. Like, I'm not that dumb.

But then all of a sudden, one day in my own little mind as a seven and 8-year-old, whatever I was, she, she said, it was like overnight that I decided, wait a minute, hold on. They think I'm stupid. And so I really internalized that processes that I'm stupid. And if I'm stupid not as a 7-year-old doesn't think about all this. But after all these years of, you know, doing therapy and everything, I realized as a little child, I, I decided I was stupid. I was going to now not apply myself.

And so then by not applying myself in school and not doing my homework and not being perfect at it, um, I ended up getting D's and F's and I barely graduated from high school with a 1.7, which is a D average.

and after interviewing, which is interesting 'cause I, I did a podcast many years ago and interviewed my BA best friend Mm-hmm. and she goes, Becky, I had no idea that you struggled. She goes, 'cause you were the most outgoing, like loving, accepting person. But internally, my self-esteem took a massive hit. And, um, it took me many years. And then of course I gained weight and then I felt even less accepted by other people. And then, um, in all kinds of things.

And then when, when high school came, I, I at one point wanted to out and I told my parents, I said, I'm, I'm done. I'm done with this. I didn't realize the cycle I was doing, which was not applying myself getting the d's, then it was giving me the evidence that I was stupid.

And, and what's so interesting is that you, you said something really key there that you, you would fail, um, to, for whatever reason and not apply yourself, and then you'd see that evidence and then it would become this self-fulfilling prophecy, right? That, that you would, you would say, well, look, I obviously, I am dumb because I'm getting these bad grades, even though, uh, it, what I say now is that all grades are made up and they don't even mean anything.

And so what's really fascinating is that that is, that is probably the worst possible measure to say that you're dumb is a grade in school. What it's really saying is that you're not playing the game that school wants you to play. And, and once I personally realized that, uh. I figured out that everything in life is a game

Um, with summer camp. I would always go when I was very, very young with him to all these camp fairs. And so we would be on road trips together. I became very close to him and my dad was also bipolar. And, uh, what I didn't realize is, is that I was kind of his little pet, so to speak, and I was the one going, yeah, dad dream and do all these amazing things and, know, and my mom was trying to keep the family together.

So my father, I believe unintentionally created this barrier between me and the rest of my family because they're like, Becky, nobody understands you. I'm the only one that understands you. And so I was then feeling like everyone's out to get me. Everyone's out to attack me. And so my mom and I had a really bad relationship and when I was 15, I mean, I wrote her a letter, told her I hated her. she was never my mother, and wish she would die. And

messages to myself, and then I would bury them next to this rock and I'd bury them and I'd listen to music and I'd do this whole sit, you know, this whole thing. I'd come back the next year not knowing that, you know, disintegration. I didn't, I was like,

I have always been a really hard worker. And, um, I got into an apartment by myself with, well, with a girlfriend of mine, um, and started my two jobs. And I had always at a young age decided I was gonna serve a mission. when I was young, women didn't serve missions.

But when I was preparing for my mission, my dad ended up, um, having an episode of depression, which was not uncommon, but this time it was even worse 'cause he was at college and he broke down in class and he was trying to make the decision of whether or not he was gonna go to the, to the Golden Gate Bridge and jump off or if he was gonna drive home. And he came home and our family went into a tizzy. My brother had just left for his mission.

little brother and I had another four months, I think, four or five months before I went on my mission. And so my dad ended up in a mental hospital. And gosh, I haven't talked about this for a really long time. So,

We didn't have these struggles. Or if we did, then it's like we, we downplay it. Like it's not a big deal. And then we realize that everybody goes through these things and, and they're not all exactly the same, but they are all the same in a different perspective, which is that we all have weaknesses and we all have challenges and trials in our life. And that's the whole point of our life.

And when you're young, it's easy to think, you know, my parents are perfect, or my parents are great, or whatever. But then you don't, and then you become an adult yourself and you're like, oh my goodness, they were dealing with this and I was such a terrible kid. What is wrong with me? I was horrible. You know?

Knowing where you are now, know, you're doing a great job, you know, and it's okay that your brother rejected you it's okay, and he probably was protecting you.

And it took my sister and I, my sister above me and my little brother are both blind. They're legally blind. They were born that way.

And so several months after that, we had to deal with the reality that my dad had spent quite a bit of money my mom knowing. And, and we had all this credit card debt and, and everything. And my sister and I would go to work during the day and we'd come home. And of course, um, uh, what's funny is my mom, this is before computers and all that stuff, when we were young, she wanted us to learn how to type.

And so because my brother and sister are blind, you know, we'd have this thing where she, she built this little block over our keyboard. a

And then they were kind of trying to, 'cause I was crying and I, I still to this day have not found the video that my dad took that day. I opened my mission call. 'cause I literally was like, are you kidding me? Uh, and so they kind of had to talk me into going. anyway, I, I ended up going, uh, my mom would write me every single day, I'm sorry, every week of the mission. my dad, every once in a while I'd get a, a, from him. But our mission president was very, very unconventional.

He was a convert from Oklahoma City and he was a bible bacher. it was unusual. You usually only get Mother's Day and I think Christmas to call home. But I got to call home on Father's Day year. And it was 1996. I had only a couple months left on my mission, and I called home and talked to my dad, of course. And then right after that I was struggling with some, some companions. he wrote me this beautiful letter and he just said, Becky, I've always believed in you.

He's like, out of all my kids, you are a fighter. And he goes, I worry least about you, but, but don't tell your other siblings, you know?

Well, a week before my mission ended, um, I got a call and, um, and my, I got a call actually from my cousin. I think she's my cousin, my cousin or aunt, I can't remember. But I've never met her before in my life. I was on my P day, uh, the week before I was supposed to be released. And there was a message on my voicemail to call her. And she lived, I actually went to dinner with, or yeah, dinner with her in Pocatello when I surfed there.

And I had already given back my calling card and everything 'cause we were finishing our mission and I, and we get this message and I said to my companion, I said, I, there's something not right. I don't know what's going on. I said, can I use your calling card? And so I called her back and started talking for a few minutes and she's like, Hey Becky, I gotta call you back. 'cause she realized I didn't know anything. And um, and she called me back and she told me that my dad had passed away.

He had died in a car accident

And, um, I remember meeting with the state president and he's like, you better take that tag off right now. I'm gonna wrestle you to the crowd because I just wasn't ready, you know? Um, and then we of course had the funeral and amazing people came from all over the world. And I, I was de I was determined that I was gonna see my dad and, um, being a missionary and, and it didn't happen and I was discouraged.

But I will tell you, for the next year after that, I had so many dreams of my dad coming back to me just saying, you know what, Becky, you know, you'll be just fine. And, that was the beginning of my mother and I repairing our relationship. And I said to her at one point, I said, I think dad needed to leave in order for you and I to have a relationship. And she and I are so we're best friends. She called me the other day and she said, Becky, there's only a couple of people.

There's only, I've only had two best friends in my life, and one's my sister and the other one's you. And she wants me to speak at her funeral. 'cause she's like, you've gotta tell this story, this miraculous story. Um, but so, you know, as we, you know, we've talked about things that happened for a reason. I am a hundred percent convinced that my dad went when he was supposed to go.

And although would I love to have him in my life, would I love to have him be able to call him and go on another road trip with him. I have felt him so close to me and guiding me 'cause he was such an entrepreneur and I am too. And I think like him, I inspire people like him. I, it was always my dream, um, to take the best parts of my dad and, and continue that in, in life.

But the difference is, is like the one thing my dad was totally sure about and that I am totally sure about now is my faith in Jesus Christ.

And like, those are the things, those are the things I want to pass on to my kids, the great things that my parents did, and, just leave the negative things behind because they weren't perfect. None of them.

I remember as a teenager, and I tell every parent that I, that I talk to, or a coach or any of this is that even though your kids are giving you resistance, doing it. Because I remember her leaving my room one, one night after we had knelt by my bed and prayed. And she, I remember thinking to myself, why am I so mean to her? But you know what, thinking about it now is I was set up to, to be mean to her. dad was like, she doesn't understand you. Don't be vulnerable with her. You know, all.

And so I, I, I was under. Influence. And I don't think my dad did it on purpose. I think it was just he was trying to navigate through everything and keeping me tight to him. 'cause I was his, I was his cheerleader. You

That's the gift of agency that he's given us, that we get to choose how we interact with him and, and he doesn't ever force us to do it. And that's not his plan. Yeah.

I love having deep doctrinal discussions and debates, but never to, to convince someone of something that I believe. I, I just, I, I totally despise that What I want is to testify and to proclaim and not to, uh, to fight or to have a, an argument. I, I just wanna share what I believe and let you do what you will with it. And that's, that's the approach that I've taken. And, um, and, and I feel so much peace being able to do that.

Now, I mentioned that I was a, a educator, so I was in the public school system and it was not appropriate for me. To share my beliefs like that, uh, in that position. And now that I'm not, I'm very grateful that I can be more myself and share who I am, uh, more fully.

She's like, well, we didn't have your number. I said, you did have my number. I mean, so I started like really getting upset. I'm like, why did I have to hear, but my dad passing away from somebody I don't even know.

I, I've never really been one that has challenged the church until I've gotten to some certain things in my life, and now I've gotten to this beautiful, peaceful place going, look, people are not perfect. I cannot hold people to including myself to this, this level of perfection because that is not God's plan. That is Satan's plan.

I refuse to be on his side and in my work, um, line of work, there's a lot of public speakers and a lot of coaches who have straightaway the church and the ones who are vocal about going to the temple and about staying active, I reach out personally to them and say, thank you so much for continuing to just share your personal beliefs and your life, because you never know who's watching, especially when you're in the public eye.

And I've had people come up to me years later and say, Becky, I've been watching you for years and I really respect what you're doing, how you're serving people, you know your heart because I, I do the very best I can to be as authentic and real as possible. without throwing up on people. I don't believe that that's the way to share, but when you share, it's a different energy than when you are trying to convince somebody.

it's promotion that, and I don't know about you, but I'm one of those people. You tell me what to do and I'm like. Screw you.

I just didn't do well. she says you might wanna consider she did back then actually say, you might wanna go into graphic design. And I was like, that's way too much fun.

When that first engagement, uh, broke up, I literally felt like I'm never gonna be loved. And it took me a couple years until I'd gained all my weight back again. And here I was in that regards and was rejected so many times by men

I. Who threw himself at me, literally. Like, just, the minute we met, he just was like, oh my gosh, I love you. I care about you. I wanna be with you. And I was like, I don't like you. Like I, I,

So I did all this stuff and the next thing I know, I come home that night, I call him, and he was living back east at that time. um, and I said to him, I said, I love you. Two weeks later, I was on a plane to back east, and I said to my mom, I said, I'm not, don't worry. I'm not interested. I'm just gonna kind of just see what happens here. And then within two days we got engaged. Two and a half months later, we got married.

Um. We were married for seven and a half years, went through a lot of fertility. would have really good moments, but then we would cycle and it would get crazy. Um, but here's the back to the cycle of what, when I was in junior high and, and elementary school, I was tell myself that I was stupid, so I wouldn't apply myself. And then I'd get bad grades and then it would reinforce that idea that I was stupid. I did the exact same thing with that first marriage.

I would push my husband emotionally till, till he broke. Like I would like verbally attack him and emotionally attack him and spend, you know, people say it's a narcissistic cycle. I would like, it's all you and da dah, dah. I mean, I was just pushing him away and pushing him away. And really internally I was upset with myself for marrying somebody I didn't love. And then he was the recipient of that.

And that push him, push and push him, and then he would hit me and then I'd go, see, you're abusive. And it took us years for us to cycle back. And when we did that interview, it's called Healing From Divorce. I actually need to put it on my website so people can go to it. But if you listen to that interview between him and I, we had both cycled all the way through where we could talk openly the abuse and, and what we did to each other because we didn't know any better.

And we cried together, we apologized. We, we looked at the lessons that we learned from that marriage and he was devastated when I walked away. he thinks I walked away. I literally had to get outta that cycle of abuse 'cause I didn't feel safe, nor did he. And he even admitted on this podcast that he's, I was afraid to be vulnerable and own up to any of my stuff for fear that he would use it against me. And he said, I would've, at that time, I would've.

so that's a very, very unusual experience that most couples don't get a chance to, is to cycle back and process. But he, I was so grateful that he was willing to do that. And he had now been remarried at that time. Um, I went through a lot of self-development. I lost 130 pounds towards the end of our marriage, which he changed the dynamics of things. And when we did this interview, my girlfriend did the interview for us.

that was the first time I think he had seen me personally with all my weight off.

Once I got off the sugar and the flour, I realized that was Satan's way of keeping me from seeing what God saw in me.

I'm not saying that that's true for everybody, but for me it was. I mean, within a week or two of me being on this program, we have a very specific food program and it doesn't include sugar and flour. All of a sudden I was like, oh my gosh, this. Um, I'll tell that story real quick because my girlfriend and I, she's, she's now 86, she's four foot 11 Filipino, just a one of my best friends. were walking in the mall in Orum during winter.

I was married to my first husband at the time and I had tried Weight Watchers, I've done all that other stuff, and she had turned to me and she goes, Becky, I've I, I've had four cookies and I'm going crazy. I need a detox. And I'm thinking four cookies. Like, that's it. you kidding me? Like maybe two bags. And then I would think to myself about getting a detox. And she goes, you know what, this is a Thursday morning. um, she goes, tomorrow there's a conference down in Vegas for this.

12 step program. And I, I was 130 pounds overweight at the time, you know, I'm five foot seven, so you, I mean, anyway, you can just imagine.

we were walking down the mall and she goes, we need to go. I need to go. You wanna come with me? Do you wanna support me? Come with me. she's an enroller. She, I was like, what? Like, I've gotta work. And I was a manager at an apartment complex, a very large one in Provo for many years. And, uh, she goes, Becky, you're the boss. Call it off, let's go. And I'm like, no, you know? And so we kept walking, kept walking. I went home, didn't even think anything about it.

The next day go walking again and she's like, Becky, we gotta leave like in an hour. If we're gonna go, we're gonna go. I'm like, what? Are you serious? So I went home, I walked in my apartment, I looked at my husband and I said, I don't know. Pat wants me to go to this thing. I don't even have the money for it. It's like 55 bucks or whatever. She's gonna pay for it. I have no idea where we're gonna stay. And, uh, but she's picking me up.

I'm gonna go to work and tell him I'm gonna take the day off. And we did. We took off and we headed towards Vegas, which is a five hour drive. We get down there, we got there a little bit late. And so we were registering and there was a lady at the front of the room and she was telling my story, and I was like, I, I remember stopping myself from writing the registration.

And I looked up at her and she was talking about when she would babysit kids when she was a kid, she cared more about the food in the house than the kids that she was caring for. I was like, what? I mean, I had never heard anybody even mention that out loud like else felt that way. 'cause every time I got asked to babysit, I'm like, Ooh, I wonder what kind of food they have. 'cause in my family it was all hidden. You know?

I had to go searching and finding, know, every time that you babysit they're like, Hey, help yourself to anything that you want. I'm like, are

And I was like, I, it only took me a couple hours for me to turn to my girlfriend. I said, I don't know what this is, but I, I need to do it. And she's like, no, no, no. Becky, you'll know when you're ready. I'm like, I'm compulsive. Let's go. Like, let's, let's do it right now. And so I found the one lady in the room who had lost over 200 pounds and I was like, alright, I'm, I'm going straight to her to see if she can sponsor me 'cause you have to have a sponsor in order to do this program.

And so I went right up to her and I said, okay, I'm gonna be a really hard case 'cause I'm really. I mean, I've been up and down this scale so many times and been on every diet and Becky, that's not how this works. It's about learning how to love and accept yourself and it's doing all the internal work that's caused you to go to the food. And I was like, what? Anyway, long story short I got on the program, it wasn't a perfect journey and uh, we didn't have any meetings in Utah.

Uh, my girlfriend and I, this the 86-year-old now, uh, Filipino, her and she came to me that day and she goes, we need to start a meeting in, in Utah. And we did. And it ended up going to eight meetings, ended up 150 people in Utah, huge organization. And I ended up losing the 130 pounds and down to a size two. I actually got really tiny and uh, but it changed the dynamics with my first husband.

Um, and like I said, it changed the way that I saw myself and I ended up having to do a lot of mirror work, intuitively sitting in front of the mirror just going, who am I? Like, and I, I'd sit and I'd hit my face like this in front of the mirror and I'm like, this is just a meat suit. It's not who I am. It's what I am. This body is, is a, is explains a journey I've been on. And so.

really went inward in doing a lot of writing and a lot of, um, searching to God to, bring my value place I, I wanted to know that I was valuable at 266 pounds and I was also a valuable at 135 pounds, you know, and that is the greatest lie that Satan wants us to think that the outward world gets to determine our value on the inward in inside world.

And so if that's the case, then you have to be able to, to see that and say, oh, this is just Satan trying to get me down and turn again to Christ, to the atonement to overcome that and to be able to have the strength to continue on whatever that is. And it doesn't matter 'cause it's anything and everything. Mm-hmm. It's.

And he said to him, she goes, no, I've realized, you know, in the church where it says, and in the scriptures it says, um, thou shall not take the Lord's name in vain. Well, one of the Lord's names is, I am. And so when you say, I am stupid, I'm dumb, I'm ugly, I am not enough. That's all. Taking the Lord's name in vain because you are enough, are smart enough, you are beautiful. I don't care what your out outward appearance looks like or what the world tells you or not.

You know, it's really important with what? With the internal dialogue. And when that, and I have, I still have my days. I really do have my days where it's like, oh, I can't do this. Why is it so easy for everybody else and not for me? And, you know, why am I, I, I have my own self-doubt. And then my husband now is so good at reminding me, Becky, Satan. that's right. Satan talk is getting to me and I need to say enough is enough and I'm not allowed to do that.

But to take you back to, I, there's a story that I wanted to share too is that day before I started my food program, my girlfriend and I went to the temple. We did a session and I couldn't, I couldn't stop thinking about what these people had talked about in this conference like, never again, no, no sugar, no flour ever, ever, ever. Like I just, no, no sugar. No. And I know, I know we should be concentrating on the temple ceremony.

And at the, I mean, thinking to myself get to the celestia room, um, I said, really? I can never have sugar again. Like ever. And she goes, Becky, just not today. And I was like, oh, okay. So I only have to do it for today because. That's like someone telling me that my best friend, I can't ever talk to him again. You know what I mean? I can't ever see them again. but she says, just for today, and then almost immediately after that, the Lord gave me this incredible vision.

And I don't know if you've been in the, the Vegas temple, but it looks like a boat. The celestial room. It comes to a point, all of a sudden in my mind's eye, I could see and hear this beep, beep, beep beep, this dump truck coming and coming through the wall of the temple, of that celestial room and dump, dumping trash from the floor to the ceiling. I turned to my girlfriend and I said, what do you think would happen?

Literally would happen to the spirit right now if a dump truck came through and dumped all this trash in here? And she goes, the spirit would be gone. in that second, and in that moment, the Lord taught me, Becky, that's what you've been doing to your body. You wonder why you haven't been able to feel and understand God's divinity that is in you you've been defiling your temple. And I was like, what?

Like that was such a defining moment for me, and I was, he's like, you're opening up your gates and you're dumping all this trash. And the spirit would be gone. It just goes. And, and then I started realizing, oh my gosh, how does Satan take the people in the church? 'cause we don't typically drink.

I mean, there's people that drink and smoke and all of this stuff, but I'm thinking, wow, how many relief society, cookbooks have been around cookies and cakes and, and potatoes and all of this stuff. And how many people in the temple are obese and can hardly even stand long enough to serve or can't?

All of this stuff and how many obesity um, the church and speak to the people because they wanted to know my story and my perspec perspective on why they were having to turn away so many people to serve missions. And I'm thinking, wow, Satan is tricky. He is so tricky. And what do we do in relief society when we have our lessons? We turn and we pass around all this candy. And I'm not saying that it's that it's everybody's problem. Okay. But it was my problem.

It was my addiction that kept me from hearing God. And I'm telling you, within a couple weeks of being off that sugar, I had a connection with God that I had never truly felt before. And. That is why I went crazy talking to me about 12 Step. And I had Bishops going, Becky, stop talking about 12 Step. I'm

Bring your weakness to me, Becky, and when you bring your weakness to me and surrender it to me, I will make you strong. Now all of a sudden, sugar and flour didn't call out my name because I was partnering with God in that journey.

I mean, that was, gosh, I started that journey 15, 16 years ago, and I, I've had way more challenging things and I've had to be like, okay, so just for today, I'm gonna feel this emotion. Even if, if people struggle and you having a dad that's bipolar, I don't know if you're experiencing this too, but I'm really sensitive to my mental health because I'm very aware that it's hereditary and I, I do not want to be, um, I, I wanna protect that mental health.

And so that one day at a time and applying that to all aspects of life, that, and Satan, I think will teach us, oh, look at this big boulder and look at this huge thing that's going on in your life, and you're, you might as well give up. Who cares? Like just, and, and that he, he wants to pin us into a corner we do give up and, and God's going, are you kidding me? I'm right here. you what you need, when you need it, you need it,

Are you open to me sharing with you how, what my experience has been with Christ or with God, or with the Temple, or with my testimony, or there's journey. If you are a great, I'll share it. If not, I'm okay. I don't need agency. You know, my mom's an artist and she. I, I've been trying to get her to, to turn this into the church because she has this huge chart that's like 15 feet long. I mean, it's like she's put her testimony on this huge chart of the plan of salvation.

And, and I can't tell you how many parts in that journey from pre-existence all the way to Kingdom is all agency. I mean, she writes it in red. She, I mean, it's all over this chart. Agency, agency, agency, you know, and we need to give that, and it's the same thing with marriages.

I mean, I'm gonna say this in relationships and marriages because, um, when you, when you get into relationship, when I get into relationships, we are always a choice. We're a choice. Who we become, we are a choice. How we treat each other, how we choose to see the other person. Um, and, and that was one thing that really shifted my heart is after my first divorce, I started dating all these guys that tell me these nightmare stories.

And, and I think they just, it was really important to me 'cause I didn't create a safe space for my husband, that it was very intentional that when I started dating, I would create these very safe spaces for these men to be men. Because we were losing, we're losing the masculine part of men. Women are becoming so masculine. And I was too, I was very masculine in my first marriage.

And I actually went and learned how to dance my divorce because I needed to lean into that femininity and lean into the masculinity, andrus it. And so I started writing a book. Um, well, there's several things that I started doing, um, in writing a book called, um, love Like Lady, which was all the stuff that I learned from all these men that I had met the things that they had wanted in relationships. And a big one that came out of that was appreciation.

And, and I have, I can't even tell you how many men started crying on the first dates. And I said to him,

And I remember the first time I did my radio, I cried before, I don't know about you, but when my girlfriend turned. Asked me to host her show. And it was a real radio show. I went into the studio and everything and I'm like, what do I talk about? And she was like, three, two. And I'm just like, in tears. I'm like, I have no idea what to talk about I have no idea who's listening. And I told her, I'm like, well, do you know how many people are listening?

She goes, it doesn't matter, Becky, just talk. And I was like, and so people were like, wow, you do radio and this is before podcasts or, I'm like, yeah, I talked to a microphone for two hours. It's pretty sexy. So, um, and I have no idea like what's gonna happen with that. But it got me into the public eye and started speaking and doing coaching programs. And a lot of people were coming to me for weight loss just because of my story.

But it was difficult for me to make money doing that because I did it through a step program, which was free. I even moved to Ireland and spent a year there. I'd never been outta the country. but I realized I worked with, um, it took me three years to realize that they were crooks and they were taking people and they were using my good name and my good story and my goodwill, because people trust me almost immediately when I meet them. That's just who they are. That's who I am, I should say.

Um, they needed that. order for that business to go. But it, it also taught me a lot about life in, it opened my eyes to be not as trusting of people. Um, and I hate to say that, but it's, that's when I started going, okay, I need to start vetting people like in my life. I'm not just gonna open the door and let anybody in. Um, but I came back from that a little bit more, um, focused on how do I serve and help people?

And one of the things that came to my mind today when you were talking about the 10 years, was I truly believe that every single one of us has a purpose. And a, mean, God. God sees our strengths and he sees our weaknesses, and he sees the people that he wants us to serve. And I oftentimes have my coaching friends call me when they're in the middle of their disaster, and they're just like, Becky, why is this happening? Why?

And I'm, and I am a real, real true believer every single thing that you go through is happening for you, not to you. And when it's happening for you, then what's the lesson?

But if you are like, Hey, this is to prepare me for whatever God has in store for me, then it is empowering to go through trials and it is hopeful to go through trials and it totally changes the game because it, it makes it so that you are seeking and looking for the blessings in God's hand in those little things instead of thinking that they are, somehow there's this weird, like, fate thing that happens that is you have no control over, you are given these opportunities

for your profit and learning, and

And, um, and, and so then I started writing messages to him texting him, saying, thank you so much. And he was like, so confused. He was like, why are you like, and I'm like, no, no, no, I get it. I now get it. That it was supposed to be because he really, that relationship, um, beat the hell out of me, meaning the part of me that I needed to address the part of me that that was, that was low self-esteem, that didn't understand who my val, what my value was.

that hellish part out that was in me at that point, I was able to process because he was instrumental in standing in that space as we went through this together. And so did, I I I, at that point, and this is what I say to people coming outta divorces is, or any difficult relationship is, is that you look back, the, the sweet spot is when you can get to love acceptance, um, and appreciation for that relationship, and then now you're ready to move on.

And that was, that was a really big moment for me. Um, it took him a little bit longer to get there, then when we did our interview, he's like, I got, I, I get it. I get it.

And I'll start just processing and going, Hey, what, what does that, you know, what was that supposed to mean? And, you know, what we talk about in the church about pondering, but Satan likes to keep us really, really busy

And, and it's so fascinating because they didn't have all the technology and stuff that we have. And I keep thinking there's, the world is telling me that I need to do all these things to provide for my family and, and take care of them. And what I really have to do is surrender and let God put those things in my life that need to be there. And, and that has taken a tremendous amount of faith. And the thing that it really requires is the trust in him that he's going to make it work.

And also taking time to step away from all the distractions and all the things that are trying to get my attention and be still and just listen to what he is trying to tell me. And so I do these things. I, I walk to the gym. It's a mile from my house. I walk there every morning and I exercise. And many mornings I do what I call prayer walks.

I'm trying to read more and think deeper about things and, and that pondering is so important. And, and the key thing is, is that it's not just about pondering as in just thinking randomly. It's about being open to the revelation whenever it comes and

Yeah. So, um, so I graduated from high school here and ever since I moved here, I have had these dreams that I am, that I am back in school and I'm fighting against it like I am back in high school again and again. And, and this has been happening. Uh, at least monthly for the last five years. And these dreams are so vivid and so real there, there's gotta be something else to it.

So literally on Monday morning, I woke up from another one of these dreams and I was like, God, why am I still having these dreams and clear as day? Uh, the, the lesson came, you are in a doctoral program. You are supposed to be doing your doctoral program right now. And this is for, it doesn't make any sense why I am doing a doctor right now. It really doesn't.

if we're not paying attention, that's what I, I guess that's my point, is that you said we have to be still and being paying attention. I'm definitely gonna do your, the, the prayer, rock prayer walks, because is a time that, and I don't know, he talks to me in the shower.

However, it's a very personal relationship. But when I, um, I, so I was single for eight years and, um, I had circled, I was going for a trip down to Vegas again.

I guess. That's funny. Let's going to Vegas for a business trip. And I happened to look up who I knew in St. George and I knew a friend of mine. so I looked him up and he's like, Hey, yeah, we should go dancing and blah, blah, blah. And, and uh, it just so happened that I, um, he lived down there and he's like, why don't you come stay at night and we'll go dancing and take you out and whatever.

And, um, we ended up, started dating, um, and shortly after we started dating, um, he was much older than I was and we just had a lot of fun and he, we ended up getting married, um, a year after we started dating. Um, it was kind of an interesting journey because I had doubts kind of all up against that time. But we did end up getting married. We went to, um, Hawaii on our honeymoon. And I told him when we first got married, I said, look, um, this is my last rodeo. I'm not doing this again.

You know, and he had been single for 20 years. And we went to Hawaii. We were there for a month and the very last day that we were in Hawaii, he was a retired, retired police officer. And we were at the Polynesian Culture Center and we were talking to some missionaries, some senior missionaries, and they're like, oh my gosh, you need to come here. They're looking for security. Come work with us at the PCC. And I remember leaving that day going, what?

Like, we just got married like three weeks, four weeks before that, and wanted us to move to Hawaii. Um, and we came back, we thought about it and it was a couple more months. And, and he was determined. He's like, we're, we're moving to Hawaii like that. We're gonna do this. It's gonna be fun. And, and I was like, wow, this is, you know, I was at the time doing a lot of coaching and, and wanted to get my coaching program going. And this was a total derail, right?

Like, I'm gonna go to Hawaii and I'm gonna, um, I knew two people on the island, a gal that, that her dad used to be my bishop and her husband. 'cause I used to be their real estate agent in Utah. And so I was in communication with them a lot and going, oh my gosh, I think we might get this job. And um, that was in July or June. And they offered him the job in July or in, uh, sorry, December. And gave him two weeks to go.

Get moved and I'm thinking, holy schmoley, uh, I, I said, why don't you go ahead and then I'll stay behind and get everything ready and get a renter and get the house all fixed up and everything. And sure enough, he went, I went out once and then went out twice, I guess, but I stayed behind for about three and a half months from the minute we got married, this husband.

Um, and I was, I was at my goal weight and, but one of the things that he said to me, look, if you gain weight, like that's a problem. And you know, I had been a goal weight for a long time and he obviously was attracted to that. Um, but the minute we got married, he, he immediately told me that I needed to get a boob job and that I needed to, alter, you know, get my hair needed to be black, my nails to be done certain way, that I needed to work out my arms. I needed to be more toned.

And I was like, uh, you know, so it was a difficult on, know, I saw some problems on the honeymoon. We had some issues and I thought, man, this is what it's about when people get married. And then, um, you know, they, they come home and get an, an alt. I mean, that's where I was like, I am, I'm just not. And I told him he had a dream, actually, speaking of dreams, he had a dream once before we got married. And actually I think it was before we even got engaged where I was in a fire.

A house and he was a police officer. And so he had this dream that he was running into the house yelling at me to get out of the house to save me. And I was like, you don't tell me what to do. what I said in the dream to him. And I'm like, well, so do you not know that that's who I am? You don't you, you just don't tell me what to do. I mean, there's ways to guide me and, but I'm just one of those rebels. um, it was, it was difficult that first couple months of our marriage.

But when he finally moved to Hawaii and I stayed behind to get everything ready, I then got to Hawaii in April and our first dinner, I, he had told me so many times, you to do a boob job. I'll pay for it. I'm like, I'm not putting a foreign object in my body. I, I, no, I had worked so hard, actually, I had reversed every single medical condition I had when I had lost all my weight. And I, and I had done all kinds of research about that stuff and um, and he was willing to pay it.

He was like, Hey, you know, I even met with my doctor and I said, no, it's not right for me. So the first day back on the island, to dinner and I said, just so you know, I'm not gonna do that and I don't you ever bring it up again? And I was just like, I'm not, no. And I think that was when he first really, really realized that like. Something wasn't right. You know, it, it, he's just like, I can't control her. So we went a couple more months.

Um, I ended up landing a TV show in Hawaii because I knew nobody. And I went to a networking event and somebody said, Hey Becky, you'd be great for tv. There's a community TV show. I said, sure, I'd love to do it. That's gonna force me to get out in the community and get to know people and interview them. And I love that venue, venue. And sure enough, I did it well in the process. Um, part of him working for the Polynesian Culture Center gave us free education.

he said, why don't you go back and finish your education? And I said, well, do you want me to continue looking for a job or do you want me make you know, or go go to school? 'cause we get it free. And he says, well, I think it's more important that you get your schooling done, so to make that your full-time job. And I was like, okay.

So I, I enrolled, well four months after I had gotten to the island, um, we had been in some therapy because things were kind of going, we were having a difficult time. I don't see him changing here. 'cause like he's, he's not, marriage is in trouble. And I was like, what the ocean? And he worked at two o'clock in the afternoon and we. Just gotten back and he wanted me to collect all these tax forms and tax receipts for our tax forms. he was wanting me to sign a fraudulent tax return.

And I knew it. I mean, my dad was an accounting professor, like I'm not dumb. And I, I said, that's not legal. And he's like, well, you, we need to have you sign it because it, it needs to be turned in. And I said, well, I'm sorry I don't do that kind of stuff. within 10 minutes, um, he turned to me and he says, we need to get divorced and we need to get divorced fast. And I was

And I said to him, I said, will you please help me understand, like, what, what is it that you don't like about me or what? That you don't what they have problem with. And it was funny 'cause as he started telling me these things, I said, wait a minute. Hold on one second. 'cause I document everything. So I'm like, I need to go get my notepad. So I went and got my notebook, brought it back, and I started writing. And I said, okay, so, so tell me what you have a problem with.

And so I'd write it down and he, and, and I'm like, okay, what else? Like, I didn't respond. And I know it was the spirit that was with me that day because what he was saying was just bouncing off of me. It wasn't like I wasn't taking it personally. I just, I genuinely wanted to know what in the heck is wrong with me that you don't wanna be married to me? And so I'd write it down.

And one of the things that he said, and he said, the best thing he, he could have ever said to me, he turned to me in all seriousness and said, Becky, having a really hard time seeing the value that you bring to my life.

Now, it doesn't mean that there's some not there. There's some truth to some of that, but that was a defining moment for me. I. Where I, I finally stood up for myself and it took another four months, of me really just like, are you sure this is what you want? Because this is the con consequences. I even put it on a big board. I said, look, we get a divorce. This is what's gonna happen. This is, alimony, even though it was a short marriage, there's still big board. I said, look, we get divorced.

And I was like, are you kidding? Well, stuff that needs to be taken. He goes, I still want, until I went and had and, and got all the information and went and filed for the divorce, but here's where God is amazing because in January I was still holding hope. I'm like, I said to him, I said, why don't you just stay for one more year, allow me to graduate and get my schooling done? I was genuine in asking him to do that. Just stay one more year so we can do that.

He went off to work that day and the spirit whispered to me, go check his email. And I went and checked the email and sure enough, he had already bought a couple days before that he had bought his plane ticket off the island. And I decided personally that I would not bring it up to him because I wanted to see if he was gonna be a man enough to tell me when he was leaving. And um, sure enough, he didn't. He never did. And at that point I knew my marriage was over. I

And so I go to the court, turn it in, don't hear anything. Two weeks later, a business partner of mine called me and he said, he says, Becky, um, you need to go back to the court and get them to fill out that paperwork so that you can serve him before he leaves. So you need to go back to them and let them know that you're leaving and or that he's leaving. So I go back, I turn the paperwork in and the lady's like, well, you need to do an ex parte. And I was like, what's an ex parte?

I don't know what I'm doing. Like, and she's like, yeah, you need to fill out this ex parte, 'cause I was in seven full, it was like eight o'clock in the morning. I must not have gone to school that day, by the way, until I was getting

I had hardly any money to my name. I didn't know hardly anybody on the island. And I, I and I, I didn't have any. And people were worried about,

Right.

I wanted to become better.

And that, and I will tell you that was probably one of the most growth promoting experiences of my life because I ended up in court for three and a half years with him, 21 hearings. I ended up subpoenaing him 21 times, multiple, um, felonies that he

And God would go, Becky, you need to put this motion in.

And you having the openness and understanding and having the spirit with you saying you are valuable at, at a point where everything in the world was telling you that you weren't because your spouse was saying, you're not adding value to my life. And, and that is, that has got to be a very difficult thing to go through, especially when you said, Hey, I'm not doing this again. This is, we're committed.

I mean, I, one of the books I'd love to write, or a chapter at least, is like living in paradise on pennies.

was like, cigar, like I know where cigarette is because that's down by our summer camp.

I said, well, guess what? I've been through cigarette my entire life. We jump on a call on the way down. I was driving down that Sunday afternoon after church to meet with missionaries 'cause I was still trying to find a job. And um, and on the way down there, I talked to him for the whole hour. And all he talked about was his ex-wife. He'd only been divorced for six weeks after 27 and a half year marriage. And uh, and one of the things he asked me, actually, I don't know if he's, he'll be okay.

of the things he asked me is he says, he says, Becky, do you think I'm, do, do you think I'm cute? I'm like, are you kidding me? You, you're so ants. I'm like, that's really a strange question to ask somebody you just met. Um, but apparently he never got told that. and um, so all I remember about that first conversation was that he. That he was, I I, and I've dated and coached enough people to realize, look, you know, if all you can talk about is your ex, you're not ready to date.

And um, of blew him off. I was like, well, have a nice, it's nice to meet you and yes, that's great and whatever. But then he called me the next day and every day from that point on for exactly 30 days, we talked at least six hours a day.

And my point in telling that story is, is that we don't know, I don't know if you've ever seen that visual where Christ is holding this teddy bear behind his back. Have you ever seen that one

And he's like, I don't wanna do that. And here, I'd just gotten outta this three and a half year battle. And now I'm like, oh God, is this why you sent me here? And my husband's like, absolutely. Where did you come from? And he didn't fight at all with his divorce. And that I, I was feeling a little resentful at at first because I was like, look, I just fought like crazy for what was right. he's like, but Becky, I would've never met you.

And the app, he, because he had so many women after him, he, he put it to only two hour radius. So he should not have seen me in Hawaii. God drops,

And we have to be okay with that because we have to understand that God is, is wise and knows what he's doing and isn't going to make things happen that aren't for our good even, even if they feel bad in the moment.

Right.

But what's interesting is I, when I met my husband now, I told him, I said, look, I'm just letting you know, I'm writing a book called Divorcing Strong. I help people to divorce.

What would you do that for? And he just, and he was trying to just discourage us from doing it, but we knew that this is how, one way that we were gonna win the case or at least get leverage. And so he says, fine, I'll do it for $500. Well, his assistant or his paralegal, we get off the phone, go and do my due diligence on that subpoena like I always do, and came back to her 45 minutes. And that paralegal was like, oh, no, no, Becky, I've already sent it off to the bank and it's been rejected.

And I'm like, well, did you do this, this, this, and this? And she goes, how do you know? Well, it's 'cause this is what I do, and so I sent her the information on it and she sent it and it went right through. So my point is, is that even if people have paralegals, they, got so much on their plate and attorneys have so much on their plate, but subpoenas win cases. And in that point, when my husband saw that happen, he's like, you need to do this business. And

then I circled back around to her and she goes, oh, Becky, it's great this, you know, I finally got an attorney and she's best friends with my soon to be former husband's attorney and they're gonna be able to work everything out. And she said that, she told me that I have to choose between alimony and between half of our business that we own. And I'm like, sweetheart, I'm not an attorney. I can't give you attorney advice. give you legal advice, but you might wanna go to this certain code.

he, I directed her to certain the code. I said, those are dealt with very differently in the court system. So you're not entitled to just one, you're entitled to both legally, and your attorneys doesn't have your best interest. sound to me at least. And so, and I said, I don't know. You need to do your own research and you might wanna take this, you might wanna consider taking this to your attorney.

Be, and, and that just proved to me that even if you have an attorney, you still need to advocate for yourself. We advocated with, for ourselves attorneys, we hire, they don't hire us, we hire them. And, um, now they, they are experts. They've, they've been through a lot more than we do. They understand the law a lot more, but. But that also, well, the other thought that just came to me too is advocate for yourself and your own marriage too. Um, that is challenged.

Like I, I had to advocate for myself and, and say, look, I know my value. but that is something that I, I now am so passionate this podcast I did last Friday, we talked a lot about how the men don't have support going through divorce. And people have asked me to do support groups for men. I truly believe men need to support men. Um, I do think I do have value.

I can bring to the table for them because I do believe that he does not allow them a free and safe space to, to like something that I, when I was left with very little money on the island and I, I can't even tell you how many times I woke up in absolute panic. Yes. Could I have gone back to Utah? I didn't feel like that's what God wanted me to do. I. I don't feel like it was safe. I was resisting it.

And it's interesting that once that finalized and I finally got willing to go, okay, God, like, where do you need me? I'm totally open to, to and your will. He like closed that door like that and said, move.

Any earthly person is not despite their best intentions. And I even say this about our, our own parents and us towards our kids. No, I care about my kids more than I can even describe, and I am not going to care about them, about their life as much as they personally are. I don't have that capacity yet, but I'm about as close as I can get to having that capacity, and, and I still don't have it.

And, and we put so much trust and faith in the institutions and systems and, and, uh, position and bishops and positions. And the reality is, is that not a single one of them loves us, like our heavenly father does. And, and we can work with them and we can like enter into agreements with them and all that kind of stuff, but they will never, and they, it is impossible for them to have that kind of insight and love into our life.

And, and once I personally realized that, then that made a huge difference for me. That somebody can recommend something and I can say, yes, you're smart. Yes, you've got experience. Yes, you've got education, but this is also my life. And you, you cannot possibly care about this as much as I do. And, and so that. That's still an idea that I'm trying to understand fully, but I know there's an inkling of truth there that

And he said to me, he says, Becky, you're overreacting. I said, I do, I do not need your permission to take care of myself. And it was only a couple weeks later where we had an incident that happened at his house, um, at 10 o'clock at night. He was in his pajamas that my husband, my husband at the time, and I were there and my husband got violent and he saw what, firsthand what happened. And he called me the next day and he says, if you were my daughter, I, I'm so sorry. You know?

So yeah, we do, we, and there's no way even a court system, and this is what I tell people going into the court system, no judge, I mean, you've got maybe 15 minutes max to maybe 30 minutes to get your story out. If even that, and you're expecting them to know all the details. Like you, you have to, it's, speak up for ourself and God, like what I've learned is that God will sends me bumpers.

Okay. I remember many years ago I was doing a podcast and I was gonna interview, I was referred to somebody to interview and these guys wanted to hire me to be one of their co-hosts and they, they used to do like news every day and all that stuff. And somebody sent me a message, a private message. 'cause I used to show pictures of everybody I met all over Facebook.

And, um, so I posted something and somebody just sent me a private message and just said, Hey Becky, you might wanna consider not And I always appreciate that, that somebody doesn't come and gossip about anything, that they just kind of give me bumpers. And I have felt like God has done that my entire life. circling back to my dad, I feel like God allowed me, my dad to be close to me during that time, that three and a half years that I, or five years that I was in Hawaii.

there were so many times that I was standing on the beach where I could just hear my dad going, I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud of who you are, who you've become, who you've, you haven't allowed your heart to be hardened the world. 'cause remember that last letter he wrote me don't let people harden you and, and make you into somebody that you're not. I just remembered that in this moment.

I didn't make that connection, but 'cause I, I do believe that one of the things in this life, when we get to the other side. There was a talk many years ago, and I think it was DER Holland if I remember correctly, that said, when we get on the other side, there's gonna be one question that we're asked, did you learn to love? Did you learn to love yourself? Did you learn to love others? Did you learn to love your enemies? Because really at the end of the day, that's pure charity.

Can you love people despite what they do to you? Despite what they say? Despite, and that was probably the greatest gift that my former husband gave me during that journey. 'cause I fought like, I was still on the day that we settled. still went into that courtroom seeing him as God sees him, I still was saying in my heart, I love you. I care about you. I know you're terrified.

I couldn't change that for him, but I could change who I was through that and, and that is my greatest accomplishment in all of that. It has nothing to do with the money, it has nothing to do with, but I had to learn to rely on God during that process, not only in the legal system, but my financials. And I had to learn to listen and take direction from him, and I'm finding exactly the same things happening now, building this business.

It's like I wake up and he's like, you need to connect with this person and get on that. Like it's a total fluke that you and I met. I mean, not a total fluke, you know what I'm saying?

But when, here's the thing, when, when God put this into my heart and said, you need to do this podcast, I knew that I had to find people who'd be committed and willing to do this for the next decade, who would be willing to talk with me every. Every, uh, year for that next decade and build this relationship and be willing to come back and, and do it again. And so I've been trying really hard to listen when God says this is who, who should be on it. And I don't understand why that is.

And I imagine at least one person is going to back out and say, I'm not gonna do this anymore. And, and I'm, I'm okay with that because it is like, this is not, this is not Jethro's glory here. This is me just trying to listen to the spirit. And, and so I'm sure that that is going to happen, that somebody's going to back out. And if they do then that's fine. But I've been trying really hard to listen and, and then invite people when the spirit directs me to.

And you, last week when we were talking, that was the exact situation. And like, I hadn't even thought about it when, when it happened and we were in a group together, you mentioned something and it connected me with somebody else that I had interviewed on a totally different podcast about totally different things. And I said, I need to just do this and, and share this person with you. And then, uh, you called me afterward.

We had texted back and forth a little bit, and then you called me and I was like, as we were talking. I just was like, we need, she needs to be on a decade, never to be forgotten. And, and like it was just clear as day. And I was like, man, we're talking about very different things and then I'm gonna bring this in. Like, is that, like, how's she gonna respond?

And then here's the crazy thing, uh, and this was a testimony to me that, that the Lord is involved is you texted me this morning and said, Hey, are you LDS? And you had forgotten how we had connected, which is totally,

And you said Yes. And, and so now, uh, here we are and this has been an amazing conversation and I'm so grateful for it because I've had so many questions that I have answered in our conversation, and there's no reason why that should be the case. And I'm sure somebody listening is gonna have the same experience.

Okay. Like I've learned that I have to be in motion, meaning take my foot off the, off the brake, which is all my fears and all my doubts and all my everything. get in the car and start driving in a certain direction. And then he directs me, oh, call this person. Oh, do this, oh, connect here. I am an action taker. So I, 'cause, 'cause inspiration will come and then it will leave. It will literally leave just as quickly as it comes if you don't take action.

And, um, and it may come back again, But I, I've learned that I did not know when I started the process of the divorce that I would end up married to the love of my life. I had no idea what that journey and, and now, and I said to my husband last night, I said, I love who I've become. And one of your questions to consider was like, who are you gonna become the next 10 years? Like I'm sitting here, just, one of my other quotes that says that life is just. De have detached observation.

Just don't take, take the shame and the, the guilt and just detach from it. Like you're watching a movie and going, wow, that's interesting. That journey and that journey. And that's connecting here. And that's connecting here. And I may, and I said yesterday in another podcast that I was like, I meet people sometimes and I have no idea why we're meeting. They're like, why are we meeting? I'm like, I dunno.

just got this impression that I'm like, like I just made a connection to someone yesterday. And she's like, but I don't want this. I'm like, no. I just, I don't know. I heard you speak and I, I wanna connect with you. And, and you never know where any of those things are gonna go. And you don't know if 10 years down the road you're gonna go, Hey, you know what, Jetro, there's, there's something I, I wanna connect you to. You just knows. why are we trying to do this on our own?

Like, why do I try to do it on my own? I should speak for myself. So

And so as we're struggling through things, as we're waiting for God's will to come to pass for us to be able to understand what he's doing, that will change probably very quickly. Like you have already shared in this, that, you know, one day you get the income in your, the money in your bank, and then the next day you're talking for the first hour with

And when you're open to that, then you see the miracles, you see the amazing things that are happening. And sure, we're going to have disappointment, but if we can take a take a minute and go back and say, wait a minute, where do I want to really be? What do I really want God to be doing in my life? When we do that, then we are going to have amazing opportunities that we weren't even prepared for. And I'm saying this myself because I need to hear it for crying out loud because

And he's like, oh no, I got you girl. I'm like, but it was always on the 11th hour and the 59th second that he would like, like, how did that payment come? I mean, how did, and but that's how we're tested. That again, it's the muscle, right? You gotta have the resistance, you gotta have the, the, you've gotta walk by faith in order for God to, to get us to, to trust him. And if we were always given what we were given, then there's no level of, there's no level of trust.

And so if you find it in the first place, you look, that is also the last place. If you find it in the third place, you look. That's also the last place. And the thing is, when we're, when we're going through these trials, the Lord delivers us in the last moment because it'll always be the last moment because

That's an idea that I'm just starting to grasp that I don't totally understand,

I appreciate him more because of all the men that I dated.

Well, I, I think that is a great place for us to end. This has been so inspiring. Thank you so much for your time and for your life and sharing so much of your story with us.