PTSD, Paper Cups, and Frozen Waffles TRIGGER WARNING

So here I'm looking at one Insider Weekly 2025 Review of the Year Awards A Contagious Smile . Best of Transformative Trauma . Advocacy for Domestic Violence yeah , so that award goes to Us . Thank you for getting it right and thank y'all for you know . Y'all made this possible .

But I'm being interviewed for women on a mission and creative uh , some kind of entrepreneur voices and podcasting and I'm trying to think but it's all because of all of the wonderful people we're getting to work with that makes

such a difference . And june is ptsd month , which is awful that anybody has to endure ptsd because it's . It's not a easy walk . That is for sure to go through . And I watch . I already know what my husband's going to say because we finish each other's sentences .

Even at firehouse we're like kidding around , and he does this thing with his hand , you see , and then all of a sudden he shoots me a bird . Well , that ended up going like in a mirror effect tonight . Like we always do that to each other . We can finish each other's sentences , we can do all sorts of fun , crazy things that just solidify our unity .

Oh , pumpkin Very points , maybe . So , anyway , we're talking about the whole PTSD thing and I know what he's going to say . Just wait for it . So I created a class today on PTSD and it is free .

In our academy we have a bunch of free mini courses and then we have very low cost courses , and I've researched in a lot of the courses that contain the content that we have are anywhere from like forty nine to three , ninety nine .

Yeah , they're all over the place , but for the most part , I would say most of them are four , ninety nine , four dollars and ninety nine cents . There is many , many free . There are some , I think , that are as much as twelve , ninety , nine , some , not many , which is nothing , which is nothing .

And then , if you want to learn how we have gained all of you amazing people , I have taught how we've done it because I haven't had a marketing team , I haven't had a group of people helping me promote , I've done this and so I'm teaching classes and we've seen classes . It's outrageous .

I was like maybe I need my eyes checked again 800 plus thousands , thousands of dollars , and it basically no offense to them . But it's kind of a more mundane course where it's just kind of like I don't know how you would describe it it's like , okay , here we are at the next and I mean you've taken classes I've taught .

When you're in law enforcement , you have to be more energetic and outgoing and you have to , like you know , bring life into your course , no matter what the trauma is or what the the course is about , because you have to keep it where people want , to keep their attention to that so let me pause right there .

comment from one of the recent subscribers . Oh , don't say name , I didn't Okay , they signed up for one of the courses in our Stucco Squad .

It's because you're gorgeous ? No , it's because I'm completely scarred , from one side to the other and my entire .

I look like you got sexy scars I look like I am a walking toolbox with a dinner , because I have a dinner , I have a plate and I have some screws and some pins and I have a lot of wire with the whole screw and hammer and nail and moving forward . Anyway , so I have lots of scars . I get stared at more by adults than kids .

Kids think it's cool because I don't want them to be scared and I'll be like oh , I'm Captain Hulk's sister and so they think that's really cute . And I'll never forget when we were in a store and this cute little three or four year old little girl was like what happened . And I said year old little girl was like what happened . And I said I lost my arm .

And she said mom , I'm going to help this nice lady find her arm . And I said if you could find my arm in the store , I'll buy you everything in it . Um which , thank God my arm wasn't in it Cause I wouldn't have been able to .

But anyway , I get stared at all the time and if anybody and this isn't me , my husband will tell you this is not me being pity party for myself . If anybody has a reason to really hate life , I would safely say that that would be me , because I've had well over a hundred surgeries . I have death , I have hearing aids .

We just got really bad news , not even a week ago . That makes that even worse , if possible . I've been even diagnosed with CRPS , which is complex , complex regional pain syndrome . I've been told that the more hearing impaired and deaf that I get , my speech will change because I won't be able to continue to hear the foundation of the words which I'm seeing .

I don't know if my husband's picked it up yet because he'll say what did you just say ?

Because if you ever listened to like Marlee Matlin , who is deaf and she was on Dancing with the Stars , I love her , but her talk is very different , her articulation is very different and a lot of people who are hearing impaired , you know , and I'm like 98 percent and one and 80 something and the other um , without my hearing aids , and pretty soon that's going

to change radically .

And then , like you know , I have like I literally in the morning have to get up and be like you know , some people get out of bed and put their feet on the floor and go get a cup of joe , and you know I have to like unplug and plug in , and you know it takes me forever because I need my own USB strip to plug up my , my , my lifeline , literally ,

you know , to be able to function on a daily basis . And then I have to charge up at night and let me tell you , some of the charging isn't as pleasant as some people might think . So it's a lot . And you know , if you don't find the silver lining around all of it , then you absolutely would be the most depressed , hateful person in the world .

You really would , and I always have to be the one who brings laughter and jokes about it . But there's a few things that are for sure . When you're a redhead which I am , and you go into surgery for the few times that I have had anesthetic , I refuse to take any pain medication after . And even my husband's like would you please , nope , not doing it .

Even after amputation , my whole face being replaced with metal and stuff I still wouldn't do it . And the thing is , is that it is true this is a fact that when you go for surgery , it takes more anesthetic to put a redhead under than normal blondes , brunettes , anything like that , and it's because we have a higher pain tolerance . Right .

It's also harder to put someone who has PTSD under which I thought , okay , that's kind of unusual .

But to this day , which is almost two decades later , my husband is the only person who can touch my throat the only one , because it's one of my last still hanging on unfortunate triggers and I had to have cellular cellular blocks done , stellar gate block see stellar gate blocks done , and it's done through the neck .

Well , I've had the same surgeon who's probably , when it comes to those done . I don't know how many surgeries did you say he's done , at least when it comes to those done . I don't know how many surgeries did you say he's done , at least maybe close to a dozen and a half , two dozen surgeries . And he can't come near my throat and it's just a trigger .

Even when I'm , if I'm even twilighted , I can't have anybody near my throat , and so that is a legitimate PTSD symptom . And for those of you that have not had or gone through anything that's caused PTSD drama , you can't imagine what this is like to go through it .

I mean , you think that everything is fine one minute and the next minute something happens and you're completely scared to death . A lot of our vets have PTSD . A lot of law enforcement have PTSD . 99.999% of every beautiful human being I've ever

talked with or had the pleasure of working with that had , unfortunately , met with me because of abuse . They all have PTSD and it's a really hard PTSD and it's a really hard , hard thing to live with and a lot of people who don't understand it .

So , as you know , I was in the Air Force and then I did 13 and a half years in law enforcement and all that , uh , in law enforcement I was on the road as a police officer , I was a private detective , I was inside the jail for four and a half years as a sheriff's deputy and then I was a canine officer and you , and in any of those uh departments ,

you are always on high alert , high alert , you're on pins and needles . You , you're watching your back .

And it happened like that day because she would have a seizure , she would pull out her tracheostomy , she'd pull out her feeding tube . You know , and it's the same thing . I didn't mean to interrupt you . Please go ahead .

that the same thing with any kind of ptsd .

You know coming out of my wall , right , you know after me . And then you know you have to wake up when you finally realize somebody's screaming in your ear .

And I'm just saying this because I've been where he is and where he was . But now my husband doesn't have those anymore . Like since we've been married , you know , we're're , we have to snuggle every single night .

We , we cuddle , we're touching in some form and even if I move , he has to put his foot near me , he has to bring his feet near me , or my feet ain't small , so anyway , he always you know we're always touching each other . But he hasn't had those shadow man dreams since we've been married .

And when you have that sense of safety and understanding , just like with me and my neck , I mean , even if I'm half asleep and he touched my neck , I'm okay , but if somebody else did it , they're probably going to get thrown across the room Is that because you're a second-degree ?

The girl who was in this is us Christy Christina Metz . She's very beautiful . I mean , you can be beautiful in any size . But back before I was abused by my ex , I was a junkie when it came to working out . Everybody has an addiction of some sort . Mine was in the gym . I was in the gym at least once , if not twice , a day .

Uh , I was obsessed to the point where some people would say it's an addiction , like I wanted to make sure that I didn't , you know , eat one calorie over where I was supposed to , and then to go from there to where I am now , where I have put on weight .

And it's because , instead of pain medication , over the last , you know , almost 20 years , I have ate my pain because I couldn't take anything to help with the pain , because

I'm taking care of my daughter and I just need to be ready to help her at a blink of an eye , and that's how I always have been .

Yes , you will hear my husband say often that he brings me breakfast in bed every morning and every morning yes , and that's amazing you go in to the freezer , take out some new to grain waffles and defrost and then bring them up to me with not even a baby teaspoon of syrup . But now , see , now , but you , you bring it to me .

Well , it's better to be left with . Not at they're , not at they're like oh , that's sweet .

When I see someone , I have severe body dysphoria . I look and I think I look completely different than how I do and I don't like looking in a mirror . I don't like passing my image in a window when I walk by it and that's part of my PTSD . Because growing up I heard , oh , if you eat that you're going to look like your mother .

And you know , and my grandparents would never say anything like that to me , but you know , I always heard my biological sperm donor talk about you know , oh , you don't want to end up looking like your mom . You know , look at all the stomachs that she has . They're holding up .

You know , and you hear that growing up it's like if you hear every single day , I love you , I love you , I love you , then you believe it . But if you hear every single day . You're fat and you're ugly , nobody's ever going to want you . Then you begin to believe that too . And so that's really hard , that's really really hard .

And to go and have , in the last month , within a month , I had two surgeries two weeks apart and I was like that's it , I don't know what else they could do . I don't know what else they could do . I don't know what else they could find .

If you take a picture of a skeleton , who in you know , in school I called it Mr Bones , and there's not an area on the skeleton that I haven't had massive , major repetitive surgery on . So , with that being said , it makes it very challenging .

With all the scars I obtained from the abuse and then the surgery scars , I really do look like a maze of scarring .

Or if we're in bed , he will jump between us and he shoves my husband away , like he takes his paws and pushes them off so he can snuggle me and it's just the funniest thing . And he'll say boy y'all please be sure .

So we have that for anybody in abuse , recovery or alcoholism or any kind of drug addiction . Um , we also have the Valor Circle , which I love . That logo it's beautiful , it's for all of the vets . And you know I've had people say well , how can you support the vets when your ex was one ? And I say this all the time , I have no issue with the military .

I had a really bad orchard of bad apples . That doesn't mean all the military is bad and I thank people for the service . Michael was air force and so that's . You know , that's just not it . I mean , if that's the case , I also should be a lesbian .

But you know , I support the lgbtq community but because a man beat me , a lot of people be like I could never let a man near me again . Well , you know , one bad apple doesn't make for a horrible apple pie . Just , you know , doesn't do great for it .

I have it down in the basement somewhere in one of our many storage boxes , um , and I framed it and I went down there and I remember going over to my grandmother's first and then I showed her that I said I have something to show you and I showed her the frame and she's like what is that ?

And then I went , no thing , cause I realized that this would probably be the only time she would take frying pan to me , because that would be a no-go . I went to my bio parents and I said I want you to see what I did .

And of course , if anybody , excuse me , knew who my bio father is or was , then he was like you're not going in the blankety book , like he was totally against military , um , and he was like you are not going in the you know military . And then I didn't end up going , but I did , I tried to enlist in the Marine Corps , um .

So I mean , see , I don't end up going , but I did , I tried to enlist in the Marine Corps . So I mean , see , I don't . And then everything happens and here I am with you .

But yeah , and the thing is is that you know , here is I learned about this and I want to make sure to bring this up because I think this is an absolutely fantastic analogy metaphor . Whatever you choose to use it , if you're standing in front of a group of people and I have my coffee here , what is this ?

It's like an eight ounce and the cup probably has like one ounce left in it , and it's a paper cup . So I want you to imagine you're holding a paper cup . Now , if you're holding it in your hand and you're holding it for a minute , it's fine , right ? No big worry . You're holding it for a minute , nothing ,

five minutes . You might be getting a little . It's kind of getting annoying . It's getting a little . You know , I want to put it down . After about an hour it gets heavier than it did . And then , a day , if you've never put it down , it's wearing on you , it's wearing on your hand , it's wearing on your elbow , it's wearing on your shoulder , right ?

If you hold to it for two days , your hand just ends up almost in a locked position , holding the cup in place . That is the same thing with fear and anger and resentment . And the question is , how long are you going to hold on to it ?

Because something in the beginning that seems so light and not really a heavy burden on you , the longer you hold on to it , the harder it gets .

So when I saw that , I was like , wow , you know , because some people in both of our lives and both sides of our family tree branch or bark or whatever you want to call it , um , hold on to things that are so stupid and tedious that it just doesn't make sense , right ?

I hide behind my clothes and you know what the thing is , and that's one thing that anybody who's ever been through abuse can understand . Every bit of my life was under his control . Like he would follow me to work , he would call , make sure that I answered my private line in my office , everything I , you know , wore .

He had to approve my makeup , he had to approve my hair , he had to approve . And so the only thing that I felt I had , especially especially after I left , was feeling like I was being wrapped in my own clothes and nobody was going to tell me what I could and couldn't wear . And so I hid behind baggy clothes .

But now , when I walk by a store , I look in the mirror and I'm like , oh my God , a patting to bear , like I look like a big bear because I do wear clothes that are very big , and it's not because I'm trying to be , you know , one of these nineties . You know people that were in the nineties that wore really big pants and big shirts and whatever .

I'm hiding who I am behind my clothes , because even , let's say even if I wore a t-shirt a V-neck is that right , v-neck t-shirt I have scars that are going to show just in that little space where the V would be right .

I have scars that are going to show just in that little space where the B would be Right , and one of them is pretty long on the side and it's distinctive from a specific weapon that was used on me . Then there's another one where I took a knife out of my own chest while pregnant , and that's just .

I get stared at and the thing is is that I cautiously try to divert people's attention away from Faith because I don't want her to feel uncomfortable , because Faith has had some scars , but she has some badass scars . I am so envious because if you're a mom and your kid has gone through any kind of surgery , you had to learn multiple surgeries .

This kid is a warrior , her scars are badass and you know the last thing you want she rocks them . Oh man , but if I look like Faith , you and I wouldn't be having this conversation about me hiding behind big clothes . I mean , she's beautiful , she is , so I made a gorgeous baby . What that's mine ?

For those of you that may

have lost somebody at some point in time in your life or maybe you know your sister , your mom one in four women go through some sort of abuse , and I want to to . What am I like thinking about it ? I was given a stat and I checked it and it's absolutely correct .

According to the veterans affair , as of now , one in three women and one in 50 men have experienced military sexual trauma .

They're too embarrassed to ashamed , you know but please understand you know what .

And I tell people all the time and I just want to reiterate it , I tell people when I talk to survivors all the time do not , do not , do not leave comments anywhere on social media , not just our podcast because if you're attackers out there , you don't want them to find you . You know we see by our numbers and when people reach out to us , we see .

And to know that we're helping even one person is a reason why we've done this for so long . To know that we're helping even one person is a reason why we've done this for so long . And I want you to know and I know my husband agrees when I say this is you are valid , you are worthy and you are heard .

And you know , while I'm doing these courses that I'm writing , I go in and I'm like trying to find quotes and stuff and you can go and look for quotes like Google . You know I need a quote for this and you know you look and I have found like 30 quotes that I've used , which is ironic because it says you know , quote Victoria Curie what Did you ?

Who my angelo ? You said my angel . Oh , my god , I'm telling you , I'm warning . It's already happened . My husband has told me since I got this wiring in my brain like some of my words are kind of all wiki-wagi .

I don't know why I'm supposed to worry about hearing aids and I'm partially deaf , but but , anyway , so quote yourself and then have that out there , because you know , one of the things I say all the time is that you have survived 100 of your worst days , and there were days I laid on the floor thinking I'd have to die to feel better , and I know a lot

of people who've gone through abuse . They know what that's like . You know , where I had no ice packs , I lay on the bathroom floor because that was how I tried to keep the swelling down off my injuries , and that is something nobody should have to go through .

But I want you to remember that even in that moment where you think dying would be less painful , you are letting your attacker win . Number one , number two you have survived 100% of every moment , every day before . I know that sounds tedious , but when you're out of that situation it is one hell of a thing to carry around with you . You know what ?

I never had a tattoo before I was abused , except one , and it was on my hip . That was it , and it partially had to do with my husband here back at the time told me he didn't like tattoos so I refused to get one , but that was a long time ago . But I didn't want things on my person that reminded me of him .

And when I was stabbed over a dozen times and all the other abuse and all the other scars , I didn't want to look down and see them and I definitely didn't want Faith to look at me when she was younger and ask why , why , why , why , what's that , what's that , what's that Right ?

So I went and started journaling , if you will , by tattooing over the scars on my forearms , my upper arms and my back , my shoulder at my back . Oh , my shoulder , my back is clean , thank you .

But because , like so many times when she'd be going through this , I always used to tell her we're going to walk the journey of life hand in hand as mother and daughter , when I was a single mom , and so when she'd be having a procedure done and they'd tell her you can't talk , you know they're trying to place a line line , I would let her hold my arm and

she would just read it back and forth , back and forth , and it was tattooed . The wording is tattooed there . So then I started putting other things . So there's no skulls and there's no , you know , snakes and all that . And if that's what you go for , then you know that's you and more power to you .

But I also love that kids will come up to me now and be like , oh , what is that , you know ? And I'm like , oh , that's a bunny and he's playing golf . Why do you have a bunny playing golf ? Well , that's the man that you know gave me my life in order of how I wanted to be in life . That was my grandfather .

So I compliment him because I called him bunny . And there he is with a golf club because we played golf together . So they're all fun . And you know you can come up and ask me what that is and what's this tattoo and whatever .

But you need to look down at yourself , whether inside , outside , in between , anywhere else , and say this is how many times that son of a bitch tried and failed . He is a coward . And you know what ? I know that heavy hand .

I know exactly how that heavy hand feels and at that moment it doesn't feel like he's a coward , it feels like he's an attack dog and you're his punching ground . But you know what , at the end of the day , you are the stronger one and you are not that piece of shit .

At the end of the day , right , you are the stronger one and you are not that piece of shit at the end of the day , right , you are the powerful one and there's so much to say for that and my hat's off to you because I've been there and I understand it and you don't have to go through this alone and that's why the Academy was created .

So if you're unable to pay for it and obviously we're not trying to get rich off of it , but are trying just to keep up the cost um of what it costs to maintain this then you reach out . There's no judgment and we will take care of that cost for you . We offer scholarships , which we've had a couple people who have already .

One person purchased five scholarships . Somebody else purchased three . Was it three ? I think it was three , and this was all just yesterday , because we really just started putting it out there yesterday and that allows eight other people to come in and do these classes and , like I said , we're always trying to mix in free .

My goal is to do one or two classes a week adding , but now I'm like doing one or two a day , but we're trying to mix in some free .

My goal was to do one or two classes a week adding , but now I'm like doing one or two a day , but we're trying to mix in some free with the other ones , and you know if you have a sister that's gone through this . I mean , a cup of coffee at Starbucks is like six bucks now or something right .

So even if you donate a $5 , either once a month or just a one time five dollars that's going to help somebody realize their self-worth again , because inside even the tiniest flicker of light can start a wildfire and it's so important .

And if you ever doubt your self-worth , just come to me or to Michael and we'll remind you of how amazing and beautiful you are . Why are you staring at me like that ? And beautiful you are . Why are you staring at me like ?

you have . Well , I'm not everybody's cup of tea . We have .

She imitated you perfectly . It was so stinking funny . No , it was hilarious . I mean , she imitated you so perfectly , it was spot on . Okay , you're still crying . So you dressed up one time in a cheerleader outfit .