Hey, I do Part two. It's your host, Jana Kramer. And as we enter in this new year of twenty twenty six, sometimes it's a good idea to get some sound advice from people outside of our own circle. Today, I'm going to chat with some women who are out there sharing their Chapter two journeys on the internet who have some great advice. And they're all very different. So let's dive in with our first one. Her name is Annie, and she's great, so let's get her on and hear
all about her new co parenting journey. Hello, Hi girl, how are you. I'm Jana, So nice to meet you. Yeah, it's so nice to meet you. So I just stopped your Instagram. Yes, I'm like, you're so cute.
Thank you, You're so sweet.
How long have you been divorced?
For? Three years?
Three years? Okay, what's your split?
We have fifty fifty custody and we're on a two two three schedule, so it's.
A lot of back and forth for the kids because at first, so when I'm watching it right, it's you know, you're like, I didn't realize how often I see my co parent and I get and I get that when it's around sports seasons, Like I, you know, I definitely see my ex way more when it's the spring and fall sports. Of the four different sports, you know, it's
a lot. So that is a lot. But I you have a different co parenting schedule, So I feel like that with that back and forth amount, that's probably I mean, that's that you do see them more because I only he's got thirty percent. I've got seventy. So his drop offs are at school.
We do that too, We do the transition at school. But I see him a lot during the transitions too. During summer break, of course, he's always like dropping the kids off coming to my front door.
It's it's seeing.
Him a lot.
But then you have to factor in all the other not only games and practices, but you're seeing him at doctor's appointments.
Oh see, we don't do this, that's all my girlfriend? Why are you doing that? Like, I'm like, you go dentist.
I know it's written in agreement that he both go to every single appointment.
How old are your kids?
Eight and ten?
Okay, girl, we can split that, right, can we? How are you guys on the communication level? Because I'm very much like, hey, I don't like going to the dentist. It's just some and I've I've done it a couple times, right, but I like today I'm taking Jase to the glass to get his glasses, like he doesn't need to be there. We really just need one adult present.
No, I agree one hundred percent about that. But we also have it written in that since the kids are on my insurance, that I'm the one that books the appointment so when they're but I have to do it off of my schedule, right, So I'm just doing the appointments and he takes that as an opportunity to come. Yet it's another reason for us to butt heads real hard because we don't see eye to eye even on doctor's appointments.
And there's no way to change it to be like, hey, I'm I'm good, I got them, I'll take them.
Oh not not with this co parent No, I wish.
Do you think is it a control thing? Okay? Yeah, So how do you walk through then that dynamic of that piece because you know it's coming from a control piece, right, and managing that with him?
I know I've learned to just step aside because at first, at the very beginning of the co parenting situation, It ruffled my feathers to the nth degree because I knew what he was doing and I could see right through it. If you're married to someone that's controlling, they're going to get you been more controlling post divorce, and it took me a long time to wrap my head around that. But now that I know it's not about me one percent, it's not about the kids. It's about him and his control.
I just look at it like, let it ride. You know, I don't want him to see that it affects me because if he sees me mad, it's gonna he's gonna do it more.
Does he watch your Instagram?
So I do have him blocked, but of course one percent he watches girlfriend.
We know how to make fake profiles?
Well I know, right, but like, I don't know. It's it does really make.
Me as he brought that up, because there are there is there is a lot of moms that I have talked to in the co parenting space where they want to share their story, but they're afraid that sharing their story is going to get them in trouble with their comparent.
You're that all the time.
Yeah, And I say listen, as long as it's your truth and your experience. You make it about you and not about your ex one percent.
I tell my story and it's my truth. At the beginning, I was scared because because he did reach out to me numerous times kind of like in a threatening way, and so in my defense, I did to cover my faces. I met with a what is it called, like an attorney that specializes in defamation. Sure, and I wanted to cover myself to make sure I wasn't doing anything that
wasn't right. And of course, with freedom of speech and telling our story and never using his name, never saying his occupation, never giving him a title, and like labeling him, I would never do any of that out of respect for him and out of mostly respect for my children. You know, I know that the Internet is forever and what we put out there is going to stay. So I do watch myself in that regard. But I like to share my story because I feel like divorced women, especially as co parents.
We go through a lot.
And there are a ton of people in the space podcasters, Instagrammers, but they're not a lot of them don't share everything. You know. There is a lot of bad, but there's also a lot of good. And there's the day to day stuff, and I just want people women, especially because that's my demographic that I talk to on Instagram. I just want them to see that even though it sucks, it's still okay, Like you're going to be okay.
Right And I think one of the videos that I watched, you know, you're just like, I'm gonna get hate for this, and I know I'm supposed to be okay and be around them with the kids, and I do feel like there comes a point where it's like, yeah, do I want my ex husband at the house at the birthday parties? No, but I do do it. And over time it's gotten easier because I do kind of look at them and I'm just like the yes, he hurt me so bad and there was so much pain in that, but I've
released it. That's this point, you know, and it's like he just is who he is now and it's he doesn't get to affect me anymore. That's you know, like I allowed that, yes, but now it's like, it's what's best for the kids. And I know, you know, people have their things on that, but I do think at the end of the day, as parents, we should do what's best for the kids.
And as cliche as it sounds, I do think that time makes everything better. I think the birks during cold parenting are always the hardest, right the first first birthdays. It's all so hard and so sad, and you cry so much and you don't think it's ever going to get any better. And I'm only three years into it, Like it's not like I've been divorced for ten years or something. But I will say it's gotten. I don't know if I'm more numb or if I'm stronger, but it's getting better.
To do.
Yeah, And it has nothing to do with my relationship getting better with my ex husband. It's just my mentality and how I'm approaching it.
I think too. It's one of those things where even the conversations that I have with my ex, you know that the battle he's never going to understand you. He's never going to be like you know what, you're right, Like, he's not going to get your So it's like you just have to you know, as the mom, what to do, and it's you don't have to. There's no fight because why like, what's the point. You know you're never really going to see you got you got divorced because you
didn't see Idee. You're never going to see ide So it's it's really putting more of a uh, you know, pressure on yourself and making yourself more miserable, trying to fight something that he's not going to be like, oh, yeah, you're right, I was or I should do this, you know, and.
Then you're carrying that weight with you throughout the day when you're supposed to be enjoying your time with your kids. So you're just drinking this poison and poisoning yourself when there's you don't have to, you don't have to.
It is true though, with the with with time again, like you said, it is cliche, but it's true. I mean, this year was coming up on five years of being divorced, and you know, yes, was I sat on Christmas when I had to say goodbye, of course, But did I cry the whole day.
No.
I just had a tearful moment at dinner, you know, and it's like, Okay, this was better than the last couple of years because I wouldn't be able to pick myself up, you know, because I just wallowed in my like, oh this is not the life I wanted. You know I agree, but you're doing the very best you can. So if there's someone out there that is dealing with your situation with a controlling person, a co partner, what would you say to them to kind of walk through it?
And I always say, like be a boulder, you know, like they can't affect a boulders.
So I've been dealing or I've been working a lot on my nervous system regulation lately, and I'm trying to get myself more centered and more zen and lately it's this thing where I pretend that I'm walking around with like this golden glow around me and nothing can penetrate it, nothing negative, nothing harmful, especially nothing from this man. He just can't pay. You just have to walk around thinking, this is my life. I cannot control anything that's happening
over here. All that I can control is my reaction how I respond to it, And you just have to live your life being optimistic that maybe one day it'll get better. Maybe one day it won't, but this is the way life is panning out. So you can either look at it the glass is half full or not. So when you wake up every day, it's a choice you have to make. How am I going to approach this? Are you going to wallow in it? Or are you gonna thrive? Because I think it's a lot more sad to wallow in it.
So let's see. Well, and what do our kids deserve a thriving mom?
Exactly exactly. And I think the majority of women get divorced for the kids, right. I made this decision for a better life for all of us.
So we stay for the kids, and then we leave for the kids. It was my I stayed for six years and then leave for them. Yeah, yep, Annie, where can our listeners find you?
You can find me on Instagram at Annie dot stoykov.
Yay.
You're so cute and are you dating anyone now?
I am not. I hopefully we'll find someone soon.
In time. Girl. Thank you, it's coming for you. It's coming for you. Well, we're excited for your part two and we appreciate you coming on.
Thank you so much.
Thanks girl. Next up we got shab and she's about how to marry a rich man. I've got some questions about this.
Hi, how are you?
I am great? How are you?
I'm good? I'm so excited to be here.
You're so cute and I what I just love about you is that you have such a great, great advice for divorced women, but yet you're not divorced, so I know, but you talk me through that.
I'm in the age group where, you know, it's all the housewives and their husbands are all on second wife. I call it second wife syndrome, and I'm around that, and I've also had to try to avoid being one of them. You know, marriage is hard, and so I just give practical advice to It started off as just me giving advice to my friends and then it just blew up on social media. But it's just really practical advice.
And yeah, so the videos that I saw were geared to finding a rich man, right. So my thing with that, though, is the relationships that I've had where the people had a lot of money. Okay, Like when I got divorced, all my girlfriends were like, find a man that's got a yeah and a private plane and listen, I could have been with someone like that, but I'm like, I don't want that doesn't make me happy, Like none of this.
I'm like, am I attracted to him? No? Okay, am I why would I want to continue dating this man? This is just so my girlfriends and I can all fly on a private plane in a yacht like this isn't And now one of my recently divorced friends as well, like she's just you know, She's like, I've got this guy, he's got so much money, but I just can't do it. And I'm like, yeah, because at the end of the day,
money doesn't make you happy. But are you agreeing to that or do you still think that that's important listen to.
I totally completely agree with you. Everybody's definition of rich is different. So when I made that video, it was kind of tongue in cheek about rich because for me, when I married my husband, I wanted him to be educated and to have a really good job. Was you rich, yacht rich?
No?
But it was rich enough for me that I could feel secure. I'm an educated woman, so I wanted somebody to be at the same education level as me, at least making relatively the same income. I think when you get into that level of wealth where they have their own plane and their yachts and whatever. I have a lot of friends like that, that's a whole different set of problems because those dudes, they don't care like they can they have a lot of women around them all the time.
Yeah, they got manys on both sides, you know what I mean, Like they have they can have it all. And that's to me scary, yes.
And it's gross, it's good. So I would say that, you know, you first have to like the guy and be attracted to him. But also, why are we not wanting the expectation that he should have something like? Why why are we trying to make it okay that we shouldn't expect a man to have any money. I don't want a data guy that's poor. You know I didn't. I didn't want a data guy that was poor. I knew that I wouldn't do well. I don't like to
use the word part. I wouldn't do well with, you know, having a guy who didn't have anything, because I I knew what I wanted for my life and I value myself and if I'm an educated woman, then why should I settle just because society tells us we are asking for too much. If we want a man who you know, has some money or has a good job.
Yeah, I think for me, it's always come down to their work ethic. So, you know, someone that I had been with in the past. I remember, you know, when we were living together, it's okay, well you made this money, where did it all go? And then I didn't realize that the red flags of all that was is he spent it on all these things. And then when we were together, he was lazy, he didn't work, he and
it was so unattractive to me, you know. And it's like, I what I love about my now husband is he works his ass off, you know, and he's just like constantly like grinding and and you know, in working, and I love that about him. Does he make, you know, millions and millions of dollars? No, but I respect his work ethic and I think that is something so sexy about a man who wants to be there, you know,
but you know, is just grinds. And I think that is so attractive in a guy, because of course, you don't want someone that's just sitting there playing video games on their little bean bag. No, exactly, because I've been there too, and it's not attractive at all.
It's not is not cute. When I started dating my husband, I started dating in because first of all, he was cute and he was the complete opposite of the bad boys that I had been dating. But he also had it, like what you said, a really strong work ethic. He knew he needed to work to make money to also feel self actualized and fulfilled. And I also found that super attractive in him, and I think that's really important.
But you know, for the listeners that do want to find the rich man, I mean, what what the video of you being like, go to that sweet little grandma in what is their name? In the in the synagogue?
Yeah, the church, mosque, synagogue, temple, okay, listen that.
I was like, you're a friend. I was like, do you know how.
Many women have met men like that? Like even to this day Because I'm Canadian, Okay, I talk to everybody I know, you know Americans maybe, well, my daughter lives in the States and she's like, Mom, you know it's kind of weird in New York to just be talking to strangers.
I'm like, why if.
You want to meet somebody, you talk to the little old lady at the grocery store. Find the little old lady that looks really super cute, and you go start chatting with her. Hey, do you like this soup? Like listen, It's also about being.
Kind sure of course, like you have to have a kind heart to yeah, and you know.
Being kind in society to seniors and whatever, that's also a part of it too. But if you want to meet the man, you got to go through the mom or the grandma and then that's where you know, because they will advocate for you. Like even I think it was like last week or two weeks ago, I just started chatting with this lady and I was at somebody's house. Somebody had passed away, and so you know, you go give your condolences at the house and whatever. So I'm
talking this lady. I've never met her, and so she starts chatting with me and she's like, are you married?
And he said, yes, I am.
I've actually been married for almost thirty years. And she goes, wow, she laughed, and she goes, well.
Are you happily married?
And I said yes, I am mine, and she goes because I have a son and he's really nice and he's educated and he has a really good job and whatever. And I laughed and I go, Okay, well if my husband steps out of line, I know who to call. So she goes one step further and she goes, you know what, he's you just let me know because he doesn't live far from you. He's in Seattle, and so he could come here.
Like ine a date that's fantastic.
Happens all the time, and so if you're just kind and you start chatting with people, also having that curiosity wanting to learn about people and whatever. But I'm telling you, it's the old ladies. The old ladies are the key.
So it's not sitting at a bar at a nice restaurant. It's fine. The old lady that's at the bar, I think so.
I think so. I think the whole sitting at a bar is I mean, it still works, it still works, but I think this way is just better. It's just more organic and it's just fun. You know, if you don't have a seventy year old best friend, you're missing out in life. Like those ladies are awesome.
What do you think the three great questions you should ask on a first date to see if the man is for you, because obviously you're not going to go into be like how much do you make a year? But I think job question is kind of tells you where he might be.
I think is fundamental. I think there's nothing wrong with saying what do you do for a living? Yeah, I think that's important for us for our own security and peace of mind. But the other thing I'd like to ask I would ask is how what is your relationship like with your mom and dad? What is your relationship like with your grandma and your grandpa? Because you know, everybody tends to may have a tumultuous relationship with one parent, so that's totally also not a indicator. But what's the
relationship like with your grandparents? That's usually a really good indicator.
But what's they're dead?
Oh, what was it like before? Or do you have siblings or are you close to your siblings? I think that's a good question. And then also what are your hopes and dreams? What are your goals for your life, for your career.
Yeah, you know, while I was walking with one of my girlfriends, she's like, well, she's like, I got a date with this agent. She's like, but you know, they don't really make a lot of money, And I said, you know, girl, I said, it's about what Maybe they've something on the side, like investments or they've you know, they're doing this and like that, you know where it's not just and that's fine.
Too.
It's just a nine to five job whatever, and that's what they love to do. But she's also wanting the richer man because I'm like, it's about their heart, girl, It's not about what they do. I'm like, I don't know, maybe he's got something on the side and he likes to invest. I don't know.
Well, you know, it's also about kindness and what their heart is. And also I tell people also look at the potential, like if they're a really hard worker, if they love what they do, they might they might end up becoming bigger than what they are. Right, It's not
money is not the be all end all. Some women are happy with making more money than their husbands or their their partner, But it's I think having kindness and having somebody who's just just a nice person that is reliable and steady and has a good job that will trump having yacht money. I think any day.
Yeah, and you'd get bored on the yacht. You would. Sometimes it's fine, right, it's fun for a bit, and then it's like, wow, okay, where can our listeners find your sweet videos?
Oh?
Thank you, I'm on TikTok install. That's TikTok is usually that's my bigger account.
What's your TikTok name?
Not too shabby dot life sont and then the number two shabby dot life.
Love it. Well, thank you for coming on. You're a sweetheart.
This was so fun.
Thank you, Thanks girl, Thanks for coming on. All right, Next up, we've got Taylor. She is a divorce lawyer. Hey, how are you? How are you girl? I'm doing great. So were you a divorce lawyer before you got divorced or did you become a divorce lawyer after your divorce?
I get this question all the time.
I was a divorce lay first. Okay, so you were just like you knew exactly what to do when it all ended.
Maybe so funny, So procedurally, I definitely knew what to do as far as like what paperwork to file and all of that. But I talk about it a lot now when I'm helping other women that like, I made a lot of mistakes with how I thought things would go, and like in the decision making criteria that I had when I.
Got divorced, and what would that be?
So I have children, and so like in co parenting and making a lot of the decisions I think women make where they just want to be nice and they want to appease their acts, and so they think they're going to agree, just agree on things long term. So we had a lot of like, oh, we'll just agree on what the holidays will look like and we'll be flexible with you know, money and paying for things for the kids. And it didn't work out that way. It
was like a train wreck, to be very frank. And it's been five years, but there have been a lot of ups and downs in that in that time period.
So your advice and would be to make sure you have it written out more in a sense instead of just going on the word of what they say during divorce.
Yeah, just being much more clear, like knowing what it is that you want and need, having some non negotiables, talking about what will this look like in reality, you know, going forward, Like what is we're just going to agree even mean for.
Sure, No, I mean I feel like, yeah, with our with my divorce and the parenting plan, it was very much we have gone so far from it, but at least we have a structure that's there, Like you know, he's he's supposed to we're supposed to flip flap, fall break and spring break, but I'm like, hey, it's you know, to really make memories. What if I take now every fall and you take every spring and so and you.
But as long as you know we had the framework that we all agreed on in writing before because and now it's like hey, now that we're seeing it doesn't really work. Luckily I have a flexible co parent that is helpful with with that. But that's the key, I mean, yeah, having it down because if not, I mean yeah, I mean it wouldn't because at times when you're angry at the person, or if you're get into a fight again,
because that will happen. It's they could just like, well sorry, and at least you have something in writing.
That's it. That's it. Like there may be times where whatever happens in your life or the other person's life, and maybe you take a step back and communication and flexibility, and maybe you're not getting along like you would like, maybe you're not making choices or the other person isn't making choices with the kids front and center, and you have to have something to go back and rely on so that you're not just always in conflict with nowhere to go.
That's so true. So I saw on your Instagram you did. It was so funny. You said, what you were tacky, what the tackiest trend that you were seeing last year was, and it was fifty to fifty? Can you go into that specifically?
It was meant asking for fifty to fifty parenting time who didn't know what grade the kids were at and school, didn't know what shoe size they wore, and couldn't answer who their best friend was. And there were a ton of moms who chimed in in the comments and were like, I can so relate. I'm on the hook for fifty to fifty parenting time with someone who sends them to school and their pajamas. So, yeah, a lot of people felt it.
Yeah, I mean, so I've got what is your split.
Now?
It's about sixty forty. We've been much less than that. This is kind of the most we've ever been. I've got four kiddos, ok, so yeah, it's about sixty forty. I've got Sunday through Thursday, and he's got three weekends a month Thursday through Sunday.
Yeah, we've got seventy thirty. And it's one of those
where when I have friends that get divorced. Now I've said I think sixty forty feels because sometimes I'm like, the seventy is it's a lot, you know, and they also get a lot less responsibility than they should too, you know, and so I'm always I'm like, I know, sixty forty sounds like a lot, but it's it's something where I've gone, you know, I kind of wish that was what it was because I then had to take on so much more that I didn't have the help then,
Like now he's again a bit more flexible with you know, when I work and stuff. But it does feel like they just get the They're just like the fun parent, you know, seven days a month, and it's you know.
The reality with that, though, is it's dependent upon who you're co parenting with. You know. You could have somebody who has thirty percent and they could step up big time, but they can't have more because of their job or what have you. So you could have sixty forty and
be with your children on their parenting time. Almost I see my kids every day like, yeah, I'll roll over to the ice arena after this and it's not my night and I'll go be locker room mom and do the volunteer shifts and cheer them on and then go home. So it's not my day and I'll spend four hours, So sixty forty is it's sometimes when you're co parenting, the numbers are vanity numbers for people that want them, and it's it doesn't reflect the reality of who shows up and how they show up.
That is so true. Yeah, that's so true. I love that, Taylor. Where can our listeners find you?
Yeah, so you can find me on Instagram at mom dot lawyer dot divorced, and then on YouTube at the at the Taylor wins on YouTube.
Awesome, Thank you Taylor for coming on. Take care Bi Gral all right, so we're actually going to take a pause because we have so many more content creators that want to hop on and share their experiences. So you know what, you got a part two coming, and you know we love a part two, So stay tuned for next weeks Part two of our content Creators with great Advice