You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Girl.
Welcome back to I Choose Me, the podcast about the choices we make, and you know what, many of us are in the Sandwich generation, facing those tough choices with and for our aging parents. My guest, I Vet Nicole Brown, has made it her mission to support caregivers. In this bonus episode, she shares encouragement and practical tips for me and for you. Here's more of our conversation. So, Nicole, I wanted to talk to you a little bit more about something that I know.
Oh my god, Sorry, people do it all the time.
Let's leave this in because I.
Made your nickname is Vet Nicole.
Right, But no, now I need to point this out. Leave this in because I get called Nicole all the time, and I really want to talk to a linguist or someone that understands words or names, because I think it's because Yvett is not a strong I think Nicole is a stronger name.
It comes out first, like it's more naturally.
Come. Yeah, they hear Vet Nicole bron I'll go, what's your name is Vetnicole Brown? They go hind and Cole. I'm like, okay, So it's interesting. I think Yvett just doesn't have the punch that Nicole has. And I'm telling you, cousins, relatives of mine have called me Nicole.
It's easy to do if you have a double name exactly.
So I want to make sure. I want you to leave it in because I do want someone to tell me why it happens if anybody knows help my name. So it's not you know, it's hard for me.
Honestly, I have to think that.
Yeah, let me ask you this. Do you think it's also because of Nicole Brown Simpson?
Sure? Yeah, right, So you hear Vet Nicole.
Brown and you think Brown Simpson, and you say Nicole.
I didn't go to Simpson. I went to Nicole Brown.
Yeah. I have theories. I have theories about it, but yeah, go ahead.
So what you want to say.
I just want to talk about caregiving because caregiving is something that all of us are most likely going to have to look at at some point in our lives, you know, I mean it can feel really like the opposite of choosing yourself when this comes down your driveway. Yeah, and there are so many like pamphlets and books and discussions about how to be a good parent, But what about how to be a parent to your parent?
Basically?
How about that?
But who knew that was coming.
I always joke that there's no book on caregiving, but I realized that there probably are, we just don't have time to read it. So it's it's caregiving is I always say it's the best tough thing I've ever done, or the toughest best thing I've ever done, and it is. It seems like it's not, and I choose me moment, but I realize that it is because in choosing a care for my dad, it was me planning a flag in the space of knowing that I am a loving,
sacrificially loving person. It confirmed to me that it wasn't just talk that if Robert meets the road, I am going to show up for the people that made me. And that was a wonderful thing to realize one hundred percent about myself. And the reason I talk about it so much is I want other people to know that I'm not special, I'm not a hero. There's nothing magical about me. This is something that everyone can do. Caregiving is something that before we leave here, everyone will either
be a caregiver or a caregiving that's statistics. At some point, you will care for another person or someone will care for you. Now, for some people, that's being a parent your kids. They don't call parents caregivers, but that's what you're doing. And caregiving is just love. It's just extending love to someone other than yourself, and so we all do that. Caregiving could be sending your aunt Instacart groceries
across a couple of states. It could be giving your land, your neighbor, or a ride to the hospital and back when they have to have a procedure. That is caregiving. It's just loving another person, and we all are equipped to do it. I tried to with Squeezed and with everything else I do in the caregiving space, I tried to demystify it.
I talked about Squeezed.
You have a podcast that talks specifically about caregiving.
Yes, so Squeezed. We're in our second year with Lemonata Media, which I'm really happy to be working with them. It's a podcast about caregiving from every area, from people that care for their parents, willingly, from people who care for family members that they don't have a relationship with. We talked to the Secretary of Health and Human services last
year Javier Basera, which was great. We talked to a death doula, so we talked about caregiving and what happens when the person that you're caring for or another loved one passes away. How do you deal with that. We've talked to teachers, We've talked to parents. We talked to Seth and Laura Miller Rogan this year about Hilarity for Charity, this amazing organization they have that helps in the Alzheimer's space. So we've talked to I don't know how many people,
and we've hit it from every direction. And the goal of Squeezed is for the caregivers who are in the journey to have a friend and a respite in the midst. It's the kind of podcast you can turn on while you're sitting with the person you care for, while you're making dinner for the person that you're caring for, or while you're in the car riding back from a procedure with someone that you're caring for. It's just a friend
talking about their life. And the other great thing about it is it's a docu podcast, so just like a documentary shows people moving and doing their life as they're talking about their life. When you listen to Squeeze, you hear their life. We send a team to their house or to their job, and you hear their kids playing in the background, or you hear them having a conversation with their parent who has Alzheimer's, and then I then talk to them about the experience of that life.
That's great.
Yeah, I love that idea. Yeah, I think it's really.
Meeting them where they are. Yes. Yes, so many people are dealing with what would you say to somebody who's just starting this journey like they've just my Like I'm in the boat.
My mom has.
Been living with my sister and that has reached a point where it's probably no longer better good for either of them, and it's time for someone else. And that someone else is going to end up being me and my family to step up and take care of my mom. And in order to do that, I'm probably going to have to move her to where I live, where I work, and that's going to be really upsetting to her and she's not going to want to do it.
Let me ask you this, she does she have Alzheimer's or is she dementia?
What is her If you can come here.
Early onset a lot of confusion.
Okay, yeah, so now is the time. This is when it rubber meets the world. The first thing you have to do is get a durable power of attorney and a medical You need to be a medical it's essentially a medical advocate, but you need to have the proxy to be able to make medical decisions for her. It is important for you to get these two things now because once she is fully down the dementia road, she
won't be able to sign things. So you need to drab something and you explain to her and say, Mom, this is only in place should something happen to you. If there's ever a place where, a time where you can no longer make these decisions, I will be able to make them for you. And it doesn't have to be just you. It could be you and your sister on the form. But you have to get a durable power of attorney sooner than later. That's first.
What if you're met with resistance. I mean I'm not, but what if someone out there listening is like, they won't sign it, they don't want to talk about it, they won't deal.
You have to make it very clear and you have to There's a lot of ways to do it. You could put on a movie with someone dealing with the health issue, and as they're making a tough decision, you can say, gosh, mom, that's really horrible what Janey has to go through in the movie. How would you handle it? And then here I firs say well, I make sure that they sign it and go okay. Well, then you understand that it's important. And you could even say this to her, mom, I want you to sign one for me,
and I'll sign one for you. So we'll do dual things so that if something happens to me, I can you can step in for me, and if something happens for you, I can step in for you. This is something we're doing as a family to make sure everybody
can take care of each other. The other thing you need to do is you need to make sure that you're on at least one bank account with them, because if something happens in the dementia space Alzheimer's space and you need to write checks for them, or you need to deposit checks for them, you need to be on the account to be able to do that. So those are my three things. The health proxy, durable power of attorney and make sure you're on at least one bank account with them so that you can.
Take in our situation, my sister is going to handle that, the financial part of it because that's not my area. That's okase and yes, yes, know your strengths for sure, and it's just for us. It's going to be a matter of like getting her to move from her little house into my crazy house, little crazy house and feel comfortable and you know, sort of redefining her moving forward life.
You know, it is going to be, like I said, the best tough thing, the toughest best thing is going to be very hard. I'm not gonna lie, but there are going to be moments that are so rewarding. And what you need to remember is that everything that you are going to be doing for her, she did for you. You know, I say about my dad all the time. He taught me how to use a spoon, so it is my pleasure to use that spoon to feed him.
There, m.
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I know in the beginning you had him with you, you were full time taking care of you and a half years.
Eleven and a half years.
How did you deal with the grind and the frustration and just the exhaustion.
It's a lot. I thankfully for the first I would say seven or eight of those years, my mom was still here. And my mom was great, and she was so happy to get to be with her first love, and you know, she was so happy to help me with him. So that made if I had to travel out of town for work or whatever, that made it easy because she would just move into my house and care for my dad. He got harder once she passed, of course, because then it was fully on me all
the time. And that's when I got a social worker and got caregivers and started to bring people into the house to be with him when I couldn't be with him. And then he had the fall a year ago and no longer walks, and then that where that was where I had to decide, either I'm going to completely leave acting, get certified as a nurse or a caregiver and learn how to use all the equipment and how to do
all the things, and a social worker. My social worker was a girl like, that's beautiful, but you're really doing the most because you're able to take care of your dad primarily because you work. And if you stop working, who's going to pay for all the things that he needs. You have to work, so we have to now find someone that will care for your dad at the level you would care for your dad, and they exist. So
let's just use that energy. Instead of going to school to learn how to do a lift and change diapers and all those things, how about we just find someone that already knows how to do it, and you can just lovingly be his daughter in this season of his care And so.
Hard, Oh oh, it's so hard. It's still hard.
You know, the hardest thing for me now, and this is selfishness, is that his connection with Lala, his caregiver, is the strongest connection in his life because she sees him twenty four hours a day, and so I have to be okay with him deferring to La La when I'm there in the same way he used to cling to me. He now clings to La La. But I want him to cling to La La because she's this person twenty four hours a day. So I had to just be like, girl, you better be okay with daddy
being okay with somebody else. And that was the journey because I wanted to still be his everything.
How did you said you found a social worker? Yeah, how do you find a social worker?
There's so many different ways now I am very involved with Motion Picture Television Fund, which is our entertainment industry, one of our biggest safety nets, if not the biggest safety net. We have guilths right in our field, and so they have a great arm with social workers and even memory care centers and the campus up there is amazing. So through them I found my social worker, and my social worker connected me with a palliative care team and hospice team and all the things, and then they also
connected me with agencies that help you find caregivers. Now there's a place called a Place for a Place for Mom. That's amazing. They help you in the same way. Lisa Gibbons has done amazing things in the caregiving space. She's great. There's an organization called Carrying Across Generations which is led by a wonderful woman named Igen who that's also another resource. There's also a week Care Out Loud that's another caregiving arm. The Creative Coalition i also work with. They have a
caregiving coalition. So there are so many Now I feel like the caregiving space is being blown wide open because more people are talking about it, and it's more more people are aware that it's coming for you and The other thing about Squeezed, the podcast I do, is that it talks about the people that are in the middle. They're taking care of a parent and raising kids, they're taking care of their aunt and taking care of their dad. Like they're squeezed in between caring for two different.
Or even you, you have your dad and you have this new man, this relationship that's squeezed.
Important to you. You're squeezed and squeezed.
Yeah, to see how easy, I didn't include myself. That's what caregivers do. They don't include themselves in the work that they're doing. And you know, caregivers aren't compensated, especially if you're a home caregiver. There's no paycheck for twenty four hours a day taking care of your kids or your father or your So there's a lot of stuff that could be helped federally too, to make this an easier road for all of us, since it's something that all of us will do, will be a caregiver or
a caregivy. That's the way it goes.
Yep.
Have you seen like common first mistakes mistakes of people that are just getting into it.
I think the fear of bringing the loved one in the home is the thing I see the most. Most people immediately start thinking of I got to find a home, and you may ultimately it might be better, ultimately for your loved one to be in a home. That depends on their prognosis and your relationship with them, the type of space you have for them. All of those things will affect that. But I think it's always easier to start with them with you, especially if they're not too
far gone where you can care for them. It's also I think people forget it's more time with the person that you love. Yeah, and sometimes you know it's not a good mix. You know, the personalities are not a good fix, and you'll figure that out too. But if you can do it, if you guys can get over your stuff and you can cohabitate, bring your person in the house and take care of them as long as you.
Can, and then how about when? Because this will usually be the case for people there have other people in their lives, Like I have a full house with an adult daughter, a people coming in and out all the time, and my husband. Yeah, and my house is very small, and I'm really considering moving my mom in, and I'm I'm worried.
I will say this, small homes have held more people, so that you got to remember, there's some people six seven, eight, nine, ten deep in a small home.
So that's the first thing.
Second you bring her in, you see how it goes. If it doesn't work for your family or for her, then you move to finding the next level. If that is we get a bigger house, or if that is the garage that converted into a studio, I'm now going to turn it into an adu so my adult daughter has her own space, or I move my mom in there, you know what I mean. Like, you just adjust as things need to be adjusted. But until she gets there,
we don't know. This might end up being the best thing. Ever, she might end up taking up doing things that other people don't want to do, or she might end up lightning the load in a way you can't even imagine right now. And more than that, you get to have more time with your mother and your and your daughter gets to have more time with her grandmother at a
time when your mom needs that connection. She may not say it, she may not know it, but what she's about to face she needs you, guys, and what you're about to face with her, you're gonna want to make as many memories as you can. Yeah, So it's I know, baby, I know. If this is some heavy shit, I know, but I'm gonna tell you this. You can do it. I do know this, and you will do it as long as you can do it, and then you will adjust when you need to adjust. Yeah, you know, Yeah, you can do it though.
I appromi and bite sized pieces.
And I'm here listen. The good thing is you gotta you got somebody that didn't did it? Oh, I'm here. Any question you have if you're feeling like ah. And also, you know, be honest with your friends too, and say somebody need to come over here and sit with mama for a hour. I need a break, you know what I mean, And be honest about it, and be honest, you know, with her as much as you can as long as you there and go my money. Then I'm gonna take a little bak. I'm gonna go take a
walk around the block for a minute, you know. And they understand, they understand more than you think they understand. And remember this, she's scared. Yeah, you know, she's she may not know fully what she's facing, and you guys may not know yet either. But she literally is. She knows that she's forgetting things, she knows that something's not right, and she's scared. And so you got to remember that you're dealing with someone whose life is changing in seismic
ways that they don't understand. So their behavior is tied to their confusion and fear a lot of times, and it's always a season that whatever she's doing right now, she ain't gonna do forever. She's gonna move on and do something else.
That's what they do.
I don't get attached to nothing I get from my dad. But all right, we're doing this today. Okay, the borrow will be something else, you know. Yeah, but you can do it.
It's just so hard, I think. I know a lot of people can relate to your journey and to the one that I'm about to go on, and how it just pulls out all your emotions sometimes.
And it's also it's a reminder of the passage of.
Time, you know, And that's fucking scary.
That's scary, man, because listen, these are the people your mom, my, dad, They were our heroes. They were the ones that could slay dragons.
They did all the things, they did all.
The things, and what do you mean, I got to take care of the person that took care of me. They know how to take It's a seismic shift, and it's and it reminds us of our own mortality because if our moms are getting older and passing away, and our dads are getting older and passing away, guess who got next? And nobody wants to deal with that. It's all the emotions. This is what it is, you know, but but it's it's okay. It really is okay, and you can do it.
You can do it well.
Help other people listening right now feel empowered by your encouragement because it helps. It helps to have somebody that's done it, that knows the real deal and can and just kind of talk you off the ledge sometimes or I'm here for you. Thank you, and thank you for sharing this passion that you have. Where I was sharing this information with people, it's so important.
It really is.
Thank you, Thank you,