You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garland. Hi, everyone, welcome to I Choose Me. This podcast is all about the choices we make, and today's episode is gonna be a little different and probably a little emotional. My baby bird Fiona is joining me before she goes off to college for a mommy and me advice episode. You've sent us in some questions and we are so excited to
get to them. You asked about communication, how to handle smothering parents, divorce, celebrity, and yes we even talk about sex and of course what it really means to choose yourself in a whole new chapter. Here we go. I think Fiona, you should take the first question because I can see here that it's gonna just throw us right into the deep end.
Yeah, okay, Well, the first question is from Jenny Martin for a weight, How can I tell my mom I want to get on birth control?
Well? Yeah, like I said, here we go. Okay, So I mean, how did you tell me? Let's start with that.
Yeah. Well, I think I'm fortunate enough to have kind of an open relationship with you. When I feel like I need something, I come and talk to you. So I feel like I kind of just asked you if you could sit down and talk with me about it. I remember that and.
Are you scared?
I feel like I wasn't scared because I knew that it's not something to be embarrassed by. I mean, whether you're using it for sex or using it for just like irregular periods or anything like that. I feel like it's something every woman should have access to. So I didn't feel embarrassed to you and asking.
You that's great.
I know that some people have different situations, though, so I would say that if you're worried or if you feel like you can't really go to your mom and talking about I feel like just being open and as
honest as possible. I know that at first I was kind of nervous to tell you that it was like for sex purposes, Like I didn't at first, I was like kind of blamed it all my periods, and I know a lot of my friends that have also done that, been like, yeah, my periods are really bad, but actually it was because like we didn't want to get pregnant. But yeah, I mean, were you, like, what did you feel when I came to you and talked to.
You about it? Well? Lucky for you, you have two older sisters, so this wasn't new territory for me, and I kind of thought, you probably talk to your friends about it, talk to your sisters about it, and you certainly probably you know everything about everything now because of just the way the world works, you have access to to anything you want to know about. Back in Mott when I was going to my mom, it was a
very different situation. And if you do want to hear a terrible slash funny slash awkward slash terrible story, Yes, So I went. We went to the Planned parenthood, my mom and I in the valley. Yeah, it's been around a long time. Yeah, And my mom went in there and it was to go on birth control because I had irregular period and I had a boyfriend and I just wanted to be safe and I didn't want to have a baby without, you know, being ready for it. So we went in and the appointment was to explore
birth control options. So they took for some reason, they took either it was al it must have been a yeurine test because we got the results right away. So we got I took a year ine test. We're sitting in this doctor or this clinician's office and they come in the room and my mom and I are just waiting for what she's gonna say, and she says, well, you're pregnant. And I was like what, And then all of a sudden, like the cat was out of the bag.
Was the boyfriend my dad?
No? No, I think it was before your dad. Oh yeah. But it was like I was instantly just like read all over. I was hot, like sweaty, like I didn't know what to do because I had, in that moment to be honest with my mom in the most uncomfortable situation about the fact that I had already had sex and that I had been lying to her about it, and that was a lot more traumatic and dramatic than if I had I had just gone to her and
talked to her about it, I think. But I too was really scared to talk to my mom about to the point where I actually lied and hid the truth from her. Yeah.
I feel like that can be the case a lot, Like you just kind of don't say anything and you know you're safe obviously, but the safest way is to get on birth control. So I think there are a lot of side effects though, So I feel or like, you know, there's so many so I feel like talking to your mom and figuring out the best option is something that is best for your body.
I know when we did it, we talked about it and then I urged you, being over eighteen, to go to your gynecologist or gynecologist and just have a really open, honest conversation with her. And it's really important you guys, that you find a gynecologist or a doctor, a female doctor for your daughters. That is somebody that they can feel safe and comfortable to talk to. I highly reckon commend a female and I know in our situations that has been a lot more kind of comfortable. Don't you
want to know if I had a baby or not? Yeah? I was like, I don't know. You didn't even ask about the end of that story.
Yeah, did you?
No? It was someone else's urine test.
Oh my god.
So cut to me and my mom having this emotional like breakdown in they left the room. It was just me and my mom and like truth time, and then you're like, mom, I have been But then she came back in, Oh oops, that was not your pee, that was someone else's peak.
Oh my god.
I was furious tru always comes out yep, so so true. I just think it's important to open up the channels of discussion, you know, because there's nothing you shouldn't talk to your mom about. There's nothing, you know, there's nothing embarrassing. Like you said, there's no shame around it. It's a natural thing and it deserves, you know, feeling comfortable. Okay, I'm gonna ask the next question. This is from Emily Underscore, USA.
I can't talk Oh hey, another sex question. Great. I can't talk to my parents about sex, but I'm eighteen and I want to try. I have questions about birth control, but my friends seem like they know as little as me. What do I do? So at school, like I don't know how this works. Like in the girls' locker room, you guys all talking about like what do you use? Are you on birth control? Not really?
No, that's I mean, you don't really talk about the details. I mean girls more so than guys. I can get into like what happened and all that. But obviously I think like if a friend needed a conum like you would go with them. I remember I would go. I went to my friend to CBS one time to get some so it's so embarrassing to tell you.
That a lot of times, so that's how it happens. Girls are more comfortable talking to their girlfriends about stuff like that then they're moms. But a lot of times the girlfriends, like Emily is saying, they know as little as she did. Yeah, so they're not really getting the best information. Like what do you recommend if kids don't feel comfortable talking to their parents, maybe they don't have any family that they can go to, Like what do they do? Yeah?
I think you know, there are some amazing sites online, like I know one called a maize dot org that's really great. It gives you all the information that you need and if you feel like you can't talk to your own about it, I feel that it's a great alternative option for you. What is it, am amazed dot org?
Oh amazing.
I actually learned about it. Yeah in school. It's a great website to try. Okay, cool, just finding someone or an internet source that can tell you what you need to hear before you go ahead and do it, you know, because I think the most important thing the first time is feeling really comfortable and if you even are like
the slightest bit uncomfortable. Then you're not ready, you know, like you need to feel one hundred percent like you know what's gonna happen, you know what you're doing, you know how to handle it, and you're not gonna feel upset or regretful after.
Yeah, that that's not a good feeling. Yeah, Okay, maybe we'll just take a break from sex questions. Second, I need a little moment.
Okay, Next question. M M r Ray forty two says, Oh, wonders if Fiona me is worried that people are going to know that I'm your daughter, how will I manage being a celebrity kid on campus? I mean kind of my whole life, I've had to like navigate that. I feel like, growing up in LA there are a lot of other celebrity kids, so it's kind of it's not the biggest deal is I mean, I don't.
Think it's like the biggest here. Yeah, like the.
Biggest deal here. I think when people notice that or they like are like, oh, I love your dad in this movie, your mom, and to know they kind of just they talk to me about it. I don't think it feels ever feels like super weird to be your daughter. I mean it is cool, but I think it's like something that people like stop me and be like, oh my god.
Yeah, well what about like when remember my biggest fan, your friend at school? Oh, they would get really excited when I would come around, which was uncomfortable for you. Yeah, no, I do remember that.
They they I have had. Like the worst thing was in high school when people would just like pull up like videos or pictures and like just like show me or just kind of like always talk about it, or like weirdly like videos of me online because if you look up my name, like pictures of me at like age seven come up.
And so just having those pictures though, yeah, like video compilations.
Compilations of our family. Yeah, and so that is that's a little hard, but I feel like managing that. I just I mean, that's my family. It's not I don't think it's anything. It is out of the normal, but for me, it's normal.
So yeah, well, I'll try to wear like a disguise when I'll move you into say.
Sometimes it's kind of cool, like if like one of my professors is a fan, maybe they'll give me.
Oh that's true. It does work in your favor sometimes with the teachers because they're usually a little bit more into like that world, or like they are familiar with me because maybe they watched the show when they were younger.
Yeah, definitely.
Yeah. I actually loved it because I was like, ooh, maybe if they like me, then they'll be nicer to her.
Yeah. But that's why I was always like, mom, people come to remember. I was always begging you to come.
And I was like, no, I can't do it, I can't do it. But I did it. Yeah, Okay, I have a question from s underscore Mushkin. How did you balance giving your daughter freedom while still making sure she knows you're there for her. Gee? Yeah, yeah, Well, instead of like calling her every five minutes or texting her for five minutes, I would just look at your location and check where you are, because that would give me like either a sense of comfort or a sense of panic.
And if it gave me a sense of panic, then I would start like berating you with text messages constantly, and I would freak out. But no, I'm just kidding. It's actually this time in your life is a really great opportunity to kind of create a whole new kind
of connection with your almost grown child. And I found that when kids come home for breaks, I think it's really important to make that not like let's do your laundry and like me interrogating you about what's been going on, how are your grades, are you getting your homeworkun what's the work load? Like just kind of trying to make that when the visit home, make it more of a
special occasion, more fun, a little bit more lighthearted. Maybe plan little things together, like let's go to lunch, or let's cook our favorite meal together and put some music on, let's go shopping. But I think just ways to because the dynamics in apparent child relationships are shifting so much. Because I used to be in charge of everything for you, all of your schedules, all of your needs, what you ate when you slept, Like as a mom, you go
through all these phases. As a parent, you go through all these phases of different levels of responsibility, and for so long it was all encompassing. But now as you start to differentiate and you start to come into this experience of stepping out on your own, that's now sort
of handed over to you the kid. And I often think to myself, like that must be a really sort of overwhelming fee when you're not only leaving high school, you're going into an atmosphere college and moving into a dorm, a whole new world that you've never even yeh been to.
I can imagine that'd be hard for you to kind of cope with, Like not, I mean, do you think you'll still have my location.
And does a bear in the woods. Yeah. I have everybody's location. I have my best friend's location, I have Dave's, you know, all your sisters. I just like to be able to, like, if that's no, I like that. I want you to know where I am too, Like if.
I ever, like am in like a scary situation too, that'd be nice to know that you have it.
So for sure, So don't not share your location. I would recommend that it will it'll solve some some stuff. But I think, just yeah, it's it's this is a huge change for not just you the child, the kid, but also the mom. And yeah, yeah, it's something that has to be kind of handled with care. Yeah, but I didn't really do that. I was like, see your mom,
I'm out. I didn't go to college. I went. I moved out of our apartment into my own apartment in a totally different area of LA and I know that was really hard on her, but I wasn't the most sensitive to it. I hope they face her to me.
Yeah, sometimes kids get caught up in like the initial freedom. They're like, I'm so excited to be away that they forget that the moms it's their first time living too. And I feel like, I feel like you definitely went through that with my sisters, and a lot of my friends moms are going through it at the moment.
So yeah, I remember. I remember like whenever your older sisters would kind of like go through a milestone where they were, you know, during the sassy years like the teens, you know, those teen years that were like a little eye rolly and stuff. But then also so when they moved out, I remember you seeing me go through the you know, different levels of that, and I remember you saying, Mommy, I'll never do that to you. I'm so sad. I just remember that now. I'm no, But honestly, it's not
about me. It's not about my feelings through all of this. It's about you stepping out into your own and like making your mark in the world and make, you know, figuring it out. So I don't want you to walk around and I don't think you will, but I don't want you to walk around feeling feelings about my feelings, Like you know, it's you don't need to do that as a kid. You don't need to take on your parents' feelings. You just need to be considered of them.
Yeah, what got on the note of college? Squid Game one says my friends are always inviting me to go to parties where I know there will be alcohol. They sound really fun and I want to go, but I don't know if I'm ready to try drinking. Should I go?
Anyway?
What can I drink to not feel left out? This is a good one. Parties can be very scary because when you don't feel ready, it's like there is peer pressure. It is real. It's not just like something parents are like, don't get peer pressured. It's definitely a real thing. I think, especially in high school, like senior year. I know I went through that a lot, but I would say, you
don't have to drink. It's honestly kind of really cool when you're the one person that's like, can I get a soda water or like whatever, like just like a just drinking water. No, one even notices when you have a red cup and you put water in it, like,
no one's gonna notice. I remember Luca always told me, like my oldest sister always told me, like honestly, like she was the life of the party every single party, and she never drank and everyone was always like, look, Luca's so drunk and she was like dancing on tables, but actually she was just drinking water and having a good time. So alcohol doesn't amplify your your success rate of a good time, you know, it just it kind of just gets people to be stupid, so you're missing
out on that part and still having good times. So I think that never be ashamed of that and still go and experience all the experiences that you can in college.
In high school. Yeah, I've heard you tell me a lot of stories about drunk people.
Yeah, honestly, don't be the sloppy drunk person. Like I know, there's always that one person who can't handle their alcohol and they're just like a mess, and you never want to look like, I mean, everyone has to go through it, but like you don't want to be that person that's like had way too many drinks.
And just sloppy.
You don't want to be young.
It's such a scary position to put yourself into.
Yeah, and especially as a girl. I mean, I don't know if this is squid game one is a girl, but I feel like as a girl in college or high school, you have to be really careful of your surroundings because I know, I mean I have friends that have had things put in their cups and they like it was really.
Bad, So I think what happened.
I mean, I've just heard stories about and I have one personal friend who is literally drinking water I'm pretty sure, like something not like a hard alcohol drink and just left it there for like one second. And people will come and they'll just put stuff in there, and it's not like it's very common.
Wait, like stuff like what like a roofie?
Yeah, probably like getting what people will get roofied all the time. And like literally it's very common if you don't want your drink or even if you are not watching them, the bartenders.
Make your drink.
I know people that have had the bartender spike their drink. So just be very aware. And you can't be very aware when you're really drunk. So I think, and sometimes I would go through life being like, oh, nothing bad will happen to me. Like I'm just like, you know, like having fun, but you never know, you never know. I mean, things could happen at any point.
So I think, don't you kind of have like a no open cup thing, or like you don't you only drink out of a water bottle or like when you say when you go to a party though, and like it's just like red solo cups everywhere.
I think, yeah, just watching your drink, always having it in your hand, don't put it down. And if you put it down, just get a new one. Just get a new cup, and like, no, get a new drink, like I mean, get a new water, get a new whatever drink you're drinking. But it's not worth it to like even risk it. And it can even be like an intimate party with like ten of your friends and like things can happen, So I would really just be careful of that. But I think you should definitely still go.
I mean, even if you're not ready to drink, you could still have a good time. And that's a lot. A lot of people make friends and you'll meet the right people if you're like in your right mind, you know at parties.
So very true, very true. Okay, So Underscore fifty asks what it's been the hardest part of preparing for your daughter to leave and how are you taking care of yourself through it. To be honest, I am still into denial, Like I'm not really prepared at all. It's it's literally coming up in eight days, ten days, something.
Like that, Yeah, next week.
But yeah, taking yourself through this this change is really important. You know, I always talk a lot about feel your feelings. You know, it's going to feel lonely, it is going to feel like it's just you know, a huge part of you has left. Yeah, you know the building. They're out of your day today, every day, and and and it's it's really kind of it's a feeling of loss like it's actually requires in some cases, like a form
of grief to sort of process through your body. Because, like I said, we've spent our lives raising our children and then all of a sudden they fly the nest. And it's definitely important to work through it. So I would definitely say allow yourself to feel the feelings, don't be embarrassed to express it, and to talk about it, you know, talk about it to your partner, talk about
it to a friend or a therapist. But there are a lot of things going on inside, and I don't think it's really great for you to just hold them all in even go stand in front of the mirror and talk to yourself about, oh man, this is really this is really hard. You know, I'm missing my kids so much right now and it hurts, Like I didn't know how bad this would hurt. Like, just really get in touch with the feelings and speak to them and
just you know, allow yourself to feel them. And yeah, give yourself a pat on the back, like, take time to acknowledge this huge feat that you've accomplished, you know. I mean, that's a big deal. I'm always in awe of myself because I've kept you three girls alive, like literally the day. At the end of the day, I'm like, yep, I did it again. Okay, let's see how we do tomorrow.
But that was really early on. But yeah, you got to give yourself a round of applause, and really important, start thinking forward, start focusing on your self, because this is your time as a grown up to really reconnect
with you and what brings you joy. You know, maybe make a list of things that hobbies that you used to do that you never had time for being a parent, or things that used to do that brought you joy, and take a look at that list and ask yourself, what do I want for this next exciting chapter of my life. I think at first we get really scared and we allow the pain to kind of take over our brain. But once you kind of feel those feelings,
let them out. I would just suggest really get excited about what's next for you personally, because it's a whole new game.
Okay, let's see Kenzie as says, I love my high school friends so much. I'm going to college, but I can can't imagine ever making friends like them. I'm sad and actually scared.
Are you What will you do? Well?
Kenzi? I'm really happy that you love your high school friends.
Yeah, because no, Yeah, I tighten it.
Honestly. High school you bond with people so much, you find like your little group, and you're with them for four years. It's like most people that I know have had friends for the four years that they've stayed with and that's all they've known. That's like who they've grown up with. Those are really formative years fourteen to eighteen. I mean four years with friends. I mean, you can grow a lot with them, and it's scary to imagine that you'll ever find people that understand you as much
as they did. But I think, and I've been talking a lot to my high school friends about this, is like we are all going off to our separate adventures and stuff. But I feel like there's always going to be a place for us to come back and things won't change, you know, like when we come back to our hometown and we all are back in the same place, like things won't be different, Like we'll also be friends.
I think that the friends you make in college are going to be even more impression Like they're going to be even more exciting because they're going to see you grow up even more and like into who you really want to be and what you want your next chapters to be. And I think you'll find the people that kind of share more interests you being like you know people of your classes and like your specific majors and
stuff like that. I think you'll find even more people that will see you more than your high school friends.
Did you know, Yeah, because it seems like in high school everybody gets caught up yeah, and who each of us are in the you know grade and kind of labeled maybe sometimes or stereotyped. Yeah, And this is a real opportunity for you to break that mold, to just like let it shatter and step out into a whole. Like I say to you, you get to define who you want to be every single day.
I agree with that completely because I feel like when you walk into high school, like the first impression you make is kind of what sticks, and the friends you have around that are they all see you as this one certain version of yourself. But now you have the chance to kind of be a completely new person in a new place and find friends that you really, you know, have common interest with. And I think those friends will last, you know, lifetimes. I mean most people I know like
met their best friends through college. And that doesn't mean your high school friends have to stay high school friends, Like you can grow up with them as well. You can stay in contact. I think making efforts to really like check in with them, be like hey, how are you, How how is college?
How are like?
How are your classes? And make an effort to continue those connections because if you don't, like, I feel like they may fizzle a little bit, but if you put the effort into keeping them strong, then they will continue to be strong.
Are you since you haven't started college yet, are you feeling nervous about I mean, do you know anybody that you're going to be going to school with?
I don't know anybody, and I think I'm really excited for that though, Like I purposely chose a place that I knew not a lot of my friends were going to, wasn't like a common school at my school to go to. And I love that because I kind of just get to start over fresh and make a whole new bunch of friends and you know, trying new things without having like people of my high school be like, oh I know that girl, and Matt, this is what she's like. You know, Like I can be like a whole new person,
and I think I'm really excited for that. I'm and excited to make new friends as well.
Yeah it is. That's it. This is a very cool time in a kid's life. Oh my god, I'm so excited for you. Thank you for doing this with me, Fiona. I'm reminded again and again how ready you are for your next chapter. And yeah, I'm sad, but I'm also really excited for you, and thanks to everybody out there who's sending their questions. You know what, we have so many more, so stay tuned. We will be back with more