You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Girl. Okay, welcome back to I Choose Me. Stacy London and I have been having the best conversation about mid life and how this chapter isn't a decline but it's a real power shift as we grow and we regenerate. Because here's the thing. We can talk all day long about what to wear as we age, but the harder part is standing in front of the mirror and loving what you see.
So let's start there. Okay, you talk about being able to look in the mirror without emotion and say I love this part of me. I don't love this part of me, so that we can dress the good parts.
How do all the parts?
Well, all the parts?
But how do we do that?
First of all, how do we look in the mirror and have no emotional connection to saying oh, I don't like this about myself?
Well you can't. You will if you stare in the mirror long enough. When your shirt you're going to be like, oh my god, I don't want to look at these stretch marks. I hate this silly light. When did my ass melts into the back of my knees? You got to stand in front of that mirror while all those all that negative self talk just plays over and over and over again, and then eventually you're going to be like,
all right, girl, we get it. You don't like your ass, you do like your shoulders, you like your arms, whatever it is. But you have to stay there until the embodiment of those feelings, the hatred of your knees or whatever it is, burns off, because underneath that is just the understanding that your knees are not your favorite body part. Right once you can take away the emotion out of it, just say, my knees are not a part of my
body that I love, but my arms are. Then you start to think about, Okay, maybe I'm not going to wear a miniskirt, but I'm definitely going to do a trouser that you know, with like a really sexy because I love showing my shoulders in my arms. You start to think about how you consciously camouflage. And I know that sounds a little Gwyneth Paltrow, but I really do
mean it. I wrote it in my book fifteen years ago that really consciously camouflaging means that you know you don't love the way something looks, but you are honoring the fact that you don't love the way it looks by figuring out how to dress it right. So you're not saying I'm going to ignore it. Nine times out of ten. If you ignore something you hate about your body, it will show in the way you dress nine times better.
How do you stop the feeling of like you have to fix something about yourself in order to be fully happy.
I really think that, honestly, this is a this is a it's a time honoring exercise because you do need to really set aside time to get past the visceral emotion. Right. That's really all it is is. You just have to stand there and stare at yourself until you can say, I get it. I'm tired of listening to my you know, critical mind. But what it means is that you're willing to accept that you don't like something. This is a little bit like radical acceptance in dialectical behavioral therapy. It's
still there. So either you can ignore it and it'll look like crap, or you can say, I don't love this part of my body, but I'm going to give it the same loving attention that I do to my shoulders and my arms, because I love them and I want to show them off. So what that means is I want to find a pair of treasures that aren't skin tight so that my knees don't look like they
you know, are like have creases. Whatever that means is you're allowed to prioritize certain parts of your body because you like them, but you can't prioritize them to the point where it's you know, at the it's at the deficit of the rest of your body. You are still one body. And the more that you can say I like this and I don't like this without the emotions, then you can reasonably think this is how I dress this part of me, and this is how I dress this part of me, so all of me feels great.
Right, It's all a package.
It's a package deal, but you have to kind of maybe split it into parts first. You have to and it's not easy. I'm not saying this is easy, but no. I always refer to it as the yes and the improv exercise, right, meaning that if you and I were improving together and you said to me, here is a tabby cat Stacey and I said no, well, okay, then I've shut down any possibility of the scene going anywhere
of us doing anything interesting in improvisation. But if I say, oh my god, Jenny, thank you for this gorgeous, large tabby cat who happens to sting opera and also be a private detective, Well now we've got a whole story to work with. Right. So the yes is just saying I accept what has been given to me. I accept my body on its own terms. I may like something's more, I like something's less, but it's okay. Yeah that is okay.
And then the and is coming up with the cat's a private investigator or an opera singer at all, and is recognizing that you love the color purple or that you love wearing metallic sneakers. The creative, investigative fun part of the yes is that you then turn it into something more than just acceptance. You turn it into creativity and passion and joy.
How do you how do you though, how do you dress for the body that you have today and stop grieving the body you had yesterday?
Yeah? That's hard. I think a lot of it is hard, and as we change, of course, we change. But the one thing that I would definitely say is if most of your wardrobe is comprised of pieces that no longer fit or you know, to fit differently, and you're buying cheap clothes that are kind of like stand ins for your you know, they're like extender pieces just until you lose the weight. You're never going to lose the weight, and you're going to be miserable in your closet.
Or or if you do lose the way, which is you know, a possibility. Of course, you can invest in updating your style, like yes, get some new, updated things that make you feel even better than those old clothed it because probably they're out of style anyway exactly.
And even if they aren't, that's fine. Keep I say, one to three pieces out of any old wardrobe. But if you have been a different body shape or size for more than a year and eighty percent of your wardrobe doesn't fit you correctly, then you're not thinking realistically. You're not thinking in a way that's going to bring you joy. You're just using your closet to torture your thoughts.
So true, you know that I.
Think is worse than throwing everything away forget. You know, obviously you can donate, you can put things on consignment. Poshmark Deep pop all of these sites. The real real sell whatever you want to sell. But all I'm saying is if you hold on to that stuff, all you do is make yourself feel inadequate. You make yourself feel like a failure. And that is not the point of style.
Now.
Point of style is to be who you truly are and who you want to be, not this self deprecating play it small person. And if you're sitting around with a lot of clothes that make you feel that way, then I really, really, from the bottom of my heart, suggest that you start thinking about a new wardrope, not even what your new style is going to be, just the fact that your clothes should not make you feel badly about yourself. Your clothes are meant to work for you, not against you.
Absolutely you mentioned before finding pieces from different designers within a curated sort of space or intention like QBC does. Can we talk about the ten things we should have in our closets so we can grab them when we're in a hurry and just get dressed and ready to go. Besides your beautiful put the outfits together, which I think that's going to change my life, But what are the ten things we should have in our closet.
Okay, so this is hard for me only because not everybody needs the same ten things truly, right, But I will say more generally, I can talk about a few things.
Right.
Obviously, denim is essential, and when I talk about denim as a category, I'm talking about jeans for a second. Right. We can talk about denim jackets and shamberry shirts and all of that, but let's just talk about jeans. My feeling is you really should have five pair of jeans, probably more, but I'm going to stay five for you know, the average person who is not completely obsessed with like
whatever leg style is in. But what I find is that if I have one of every style that I really love, that you know your jeans are there to make your ass look great. So if your ass doesn't look great, just kick them to the curve. But I have a flare pair, I have a wide leg pair. I have a boot cut pair. I have a stretched pair, I have straight pair, I have a skinny pair. All right, that's already six, right, But I know that these are
the styles that I look best in. So I go I pass over styles that I won't even wear that don't look good on me, period, Like You're never going to see me in a low rise kick flare ever. Again, That's never gonna happen these days. Those days are. But I will take the most relevant legs silhouettes, find the genes that I look best, and have one of those, and I may only wear one of those for three years. I may only wear the boot cuts from now on. But when I want a wide leg gene, I know
it's in my closet. Those are just Denim is the blank canvas to try any single trend. So whether or not you get the leg right, as long as you have denim, you can do. You can go wild on the top right. You could do let's say, I don't know sexy secretary is in. You can do a pussy bow blouse and a really cute little blazer. But do it with jeans and it's much less of a risk. So having genes to be kind of that clear palate cleanser for any trend you want to try is essentral.
I also think it's important to have a pair of faux or real leather trousers. They could be a baggy trouser, they could be a five pocket gene. But a leather pant does something to a wardrobe that is like magic. It just it elevates it almost automatically. Yeah, you can do this really with lots of different kinds of leather. This looks great. A leather trench coat will do that trick, a leather jacket will do that trick. Even a leather skirt, right.
I generally think personally, as I've gotten older, I wear a lot less, a lot fewer dresses and skirts than I did before. But I do think like a leather pencil skirt or MIDI skirt, really it looks incredible. And the things that elevate the wardrobe without you having to do very much at all, then I guess there's something that I do think that you really should have. I'm
going to call this category character builders. Is that one wild piece, whether it's a crazy print, crazy color, crazy embellishment, whatever, it is a few of those in your closet that do the same thing that a great pair of leather pants are going to do, just elevates the outfit into something that you don't have to do the work except put it on. And it's a w it's wild and it goes with any neutral that you have. Then I do think you need a suit, whether that's a pantsuit
or a squirtsuit. You need something that is the shell in which you can put any filling and it will work right. So I can wear a pantsuit with a T shirt and sneakers and that's casual, or I can wear it with a blouse and heels and go to a job interview. Having a suit means that you always have something to wear, and then I can wear that blazer with a jillion other pieces and has the sweaters exactly. So getting a suit is always your getting bang for your buck, and then I do I am a sucker
for outerwear. I'm a sucker for outerwear.
If you make beautiful outerwear, oh.
I just love it so much. And I feel like if you have a coat, a bag, and a shoe, anything you wear underneath it fine, as long as that coat somehow has personality and is outstanding that bag. The thing about accessories, bags and shoes in particular, the less they go with anything, the more they go with everything. So I love shiny and prints and pony skin and fur and all sorts of things that you can do in your accessories that look like you're participating in a trend.
Let's say Leopard was really big this season. Let's say you don't want to wear Leopard. Do a Leopard bag, do a Leopard shoe, do a Leopward scarf, and immediately you're relevant in that you're participating in the trend, but you're doing it in a way that's personal and personally stylish to you.
Yes, such good tips, do you. I'm curious you believe in buying the same thing in multiple colors.
Not really, not unless it is such an incredible cut on you that there's no way you could find it from anybody else. So if you're buying, like the uniclosed sweater that you love, in five different colors, I think
that's a waste of time. Maybe two maybe maybe. Generally speaking, I only like multiples for things that I know that I'm wearing consistently and that have such a special shape to them, that are really flattering, or that the color palet is a really flattering In those cases, yes, I think you can do copies, but I don't think you ever need to do more than three of anything.
M I agree, because it's boring.
It's boring, and then again you're locking yourself in. I know this shirt looks good on me, so I'm gonna buy it in every color.
Yeah.
What about the opportunity to find a different kind of shirt that looks good on you that works with three pairs of pants that you own instead of just two.
Yes, Okay, I love this question because we talked about the term self care on our other episode and which you said are not all bubble bath based, right, meaning that it's not only just for you. What are some things that we can do right now in this world that are self care?
Yeah? I think that self care. There's two ways to look at it, right. There's self care that makes you feel good because you've done something for yourself, and self care that makes you feel good because you've done something that has a retal effect. So really, the first thing I'm going to say for self care is volunteer. I just got my application to start volunteering at a pet shelter because there's just so much need in the world.
There's just so much need. Right you can sort of code drive because it's freezing, I mean, oh my god, the East Rivers filled with ice today. It's so cold, and so doing something for others, contributor, donate to your community garden, whatever it is, I think is a way to get out of the way of our own ego and feel good about something that does not require looking in a mirror or purchasing something or putting something on your face or getting in a bath or you know whatever.
It is.
Another great way to do self care is to really think about what do I need to take care of myself in order to be a vibrant member of my community. So self care may look like a facial to some people, but it may look like a Texa scan to others. Right, how do you know the status of your own health and are you on a track to keep you strong and you know, allow you to live a long life so that you can be around other people that you care.
That kind of thing is not just for you. That's not a selfish thing to take care of yourself in that manner. It's for the people around you that love you, that depend on you, the people that need you, all the people. So I sometimes self care, or when I talk about choosing yourself, people can see it as this very selfish or self absorbed thing. But I am just here to blow that perception out because we're stuck on.
Like we've talked about before, making everybody else happy and doing what other people want us to do and saying yes to everyone.
And thing us to everyone. You know, also that you know, you've got to be really careful, right, Even volunteering can wind up being a people pleasing thing if you're not doing it with boundaries. And I think certainly when it comes to self care, the stronger your boundaries, the better your self care is going to be, that's for sure. So if there's something you know right now that you want to think about in terms of self care, think about the kinds of boundaries that you have with your
friends and family. Do you feel secure in them? Do you feel like they have been, you know, broken? Do you feel like people are trying or disrespecting you on a kind of very base level of your belief system? How can you rectify that? How can you at least communicate that in a way that is good for you and good for the people around you. But this is
not about people pleasing. This is really truly about how we continue to fortify ourselves and become more of who we are so that we can be in community with other people. And maybe that is a treat, Maybe that is wharing, you know, getting a new red left stick or getting your hair done or taking them. It's just not limited to that.
Absolutely so good to remember everybody you you're just an inspiration.
No only please, No, it's everything that you're doing. I feel the same way. And it really is funny. It is interesting to think that like a company, a company brought us together to do something that I think has such a higher purpose. You know, in a way, it's like thank god a company thought of it, because we should be doing you know, we should be discussing the age of possibility anyway all the time, because.
This is this is it, This is this is it. Wherever you are right now is it?
It's it? Yeah, it really is. And I feel like, you know, look, times are hard. They're always going to be hard. Things are going to be hard. But the more we have conversations like this, the more that we're willing to be open and vulnerable and kind and afraid eat the better.
Yeah. Well you are, like I said before, reppin my friend, I love it. I love having our conversation and I hope everybody listening has taken something away from this conversation, because I know I have. Thank you Stacy