You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garth. Hello, everyone, welcome to I Choose Me. This podcast is all about the choices we make and where they lead us. My guest today is someone we all fell in love with when she was on the Bachelor and then later when she starred as the Bachelorette. Some people say the best bachelorette there ever was. Since then, we also got to see her dominate on the dance floor when she won
season twenty nine of Dancing with the Stars Amazing. She's founder of her own wine company, Spaden Sparrows, and the host of the podcast Off the Vine. Please welcome Caitlin Bristow to the podcast.
Thank you so much for having me.
Thank you for being on the I Choose Me podcast. This is so exciting to have you here. I want to start by asking you, why are you such a bad as.
They go? Anyone's ever said to me? I Sometimes I think I am, and other times I'm like no, If I feel like a fraud.
That's natural.
I do feel like just like life will put you through. You know, life be lifeing sometimes and I feel like that only makes you stronger. And I feel like maybe a little hint of where I grew up with the I grew up mixed with like being I don't know, chewed up and spat out on a reality TV show made me.
I love that you just you don't give up. I think you know, you put it all out there. I mean even before the reality the Bachelor or the Bachelorette. Were you always like this? Were you an outgoing kid?
You know what's funny? I always think about this. I was painfully shy when I was little and I couldn't even make eye contact. I couldn't be in like I got stage fright and I was a dance her. But I don't know what happened. Something switched in high school. I remember, like the twelfth grade being like, I'm I'm going into being an adult as I thought, but at eighteen that was the legal like drinking age in Alberta, in Canada where I grew up, So I was like, I'm going to be an adult. I have to like
put myself out there. And I just like changed my mindset and I remember being like, just just do what you're you think you're scared of, Like nobody cares, nobody's looking at you, nobody's staring nobody's thinking anything. It's not
that deep. And I remember switching my mindset in like out of nowhere in the twelfth grade, and then all through my twenties, I just remember having this best friend who was she was probably seven years older than me, and I feel like she just inspired me and she didn't give a fuck, and she just lived her life so authentically and I saw the way she just I lived this authentic life and she was just so grounded and happy, and I was like, I'm going to learn
from this woman. And still to this day, she's one of my best friends, and I feel like I still learn from her, and I.
Always the best.
I always trying to give her credit, and she's like, you did it, Caitlin, And I was like, kid, can you help me?
That's the best? You said you at eighteen you kind of had this epiphany. Did you have any therapy or prior to that?
Oh my gosh, I would have been even more advanced. I thought. I thought I had it figured out at eighteen. Also like a blessing and a curse, because you haven't, you know, experienced things at eighteen that you that you're going to do. But at nineteen, my world kind of got rocked. I lost my best friend and we were like sisters and we had attaching fences in our backyards and our sisters were best thank you, and our parents were best friends. And it was just like like a
pretty big loss for me. And then I went to Vancouver. I was living in a very small town in It's called the Duke, Alberta in Canada. And I went to Vanko because I had gotten a dance scholarship and so I was going to dance with this company and do some auditions. And I ended up dancing with this company and also being a CFL, the Canadian Football League cheerleader, and I just would always be like, how would Lindsay
be living her life? Was my friend that past, and I feel like I chose to kind of like because we were so similar and because we were like sisters, I kind of chose to live the way that I think she would be proud of and the way she'd want to live in the way I was inspired to live through her. So I feel like that kind of rocked my world and set me up for the path that I went on. And I ended up staying in Vancouver. And if it wasn't for all these little tiny shifts
in my life that happened nothing. You know, I wouldn't be here where I am today. So, like I said, like get right at the get go of this podcast, it's kind of like when life gets you, that's when you you learn that how resilient you are.
I guess for sure, and you just have to learn to listen to your instincts and follow the path that's unfolding in front of you. Did you feel like when you were a kid you had like you were destined for something bigger than what's the name of the time due?
Yeah, yes, I really did. It was so funny. My sister and I could not be more opposite. She's like, honestly the loveliest human I've ever met, and she's so selfless. And I'm not saying I'm not like she was always just craving this life of staying in the small town having a family that was just like that is her happy place, and I was always like, get me out of here. I felt stuck. I felt like I wasn't supposed to be there. I felt like I was supposed
to like when I moved to Vancouver. Still, you know, it's kind of it's not massive, but I was like, I'm in the big leagues now, like this is a big city, and I just I felt like I was always called to do like scary things, but to me it didn't feel scary, Like going on national television to a lot of people would be scary. And I was like, I was like, oh, it was a little late, like I'm almost thirty, but okay, here we go. Like I just I knew something like that was going to be
in my life. I don't know I do that, but I think, you know, women are intuitive, but I also just sometimes you just have that feeling like there's a reason you asked, right, because sometimes people do have that feeling.
Yeah, I mean sometimes it's not us. We need somebody else to see that potential in us. And for me, it was my main manager, Randy James, who I met when I was I think six fifteen. I'm still with him today's yeah, we're still together. But like, who is your biggest cheerleader when you are growing up? Who was there to make you take those big swings?
Yeah it was it was definitely my mom. My mom was a professional ballerina her whole life, and so she taught me dance she used to have a dance studio, and she's kind of beautiful by the way. Oh, and she's such a firecracker, Like that looks fun. She is so fun, and she's just always been like encouraging to kind of like dance at the beat of my own drum. She's never told me to follow some sort of path.
I mean, I do think she was very happy that the path I was on was like kind of her path and she was living vicariously through me, though I actually loved doing what I was doing too, So I feel like she was always her and my dad they were very much like, you know, like they kind of always had me believing that I was so unique and I needed to follow my own path and Caitlyn's going to do what she wants to do, and let's kind of like encourage her instead of stop her. They never
forced me to go to college. I was like, no, I'm going to be a dancer, and they kind of just they always supported my dreams and my quirkiness. I would say, like, I just I feel like they never made me feel like I was supposed to be anything else but myself, And I feel like that's kind of you know, when you just live. Yeah, living true to yourself things for a line.
And that's so cool that your parents were so supportive like that. I wanted to ask you, since you've come onto the scene, you've always just been authentically you. I think that's why so many people are drawn to you. You've been really open that. It hasn't always been an easy road. I think was when you were in your twenties, you said you struggled with an addiction to valium. Can you share with us how you got through that.
Yes, again, that's where my parents will come in. But I you know, growing up in my twenties in Vancouver, I'm thinking, you know, I'm going to get some sort of dance gig. I always thought I would be like traveling the world as a dancer. And as I went through, like you know, twenty to twenty five, I was doing the grind. I was living four people in a one bedroom apartment, dancing at night, working at a restaurant in the day, doing auditions, all of that kind of thing,
which I'm sure you're familiar with as well. And I at twenty five twenty six, you know the old story of I met a boy and he was this Canadian hockey player, and in my mind, I thought, well, I'll just you know, go wherever he goes and he's successful, and I'll live his life and that I'll just find my own thing to do along the way. And I think I completely lost myself to this person. I financially, emotionally, spiritually, in every way relied on this one guy and thought,
you know, this is it for me. I'm going to get married, We're going to have a family. And I was kind of all over the place with him. We were in Winnipeg, Canada, and then Anaheim, and then Newfoundland, Canada, and then Germany, and I just you know, in Germany, I had no friends. The German team, all the wives
were German. They kind of all had their friends, and I thought, you know, I'm going to travel Germany and I worked two jobs before I went, but I just started getting stuck in this little room that we lived in. This is so crazy to think back on, but I was totally addicted to call of duty like video games.
Oh my gosh. I never would have thought that.
It's so funny to think back on because I'm like, oh, that poor girl. I just want to go for a hug so bad. But I would just sit there and I would drink and I would play video games, and I would just wait on him to get home from practice, and then he'd go on the road and I would just sleep all day. And I became shell of myself and I couldn't work. And I realized that I am such a go getter and I love to do things and you know, meet people and all these things, and
I wasn't doing any of it. And we ended up breaking up because he basically looked at me and he was like, you are not meant for this life. I see how miserable you are. I got very depressed, and on top of being very depressed, he left me. And I had no education, no job, I could not go back to dancing, didn't have a dollar to my name, I didn't have anywhere to live, and I my whole
world just felt like it got rocked. Because that also it does sound silly, but I know how real it is to lose somebody like that is also going through grief. And I loved I loved him so much, and so my mom said, I'm booking you a flight. She lived in Phoenix at the time, and I was I was not okay. I was saying very scary things. And she picked me up at the airport with my stepdad and
we didn't even go home. We went straight to a walk in clinic and I had to take a bunch of tests and paperwork, and you know, you had to. It was like a basically a test of how suicidal worried. And I had never felt like that in my whole life. I was always pretty like fun and outgoing, and I was just rock bottom. And they put me on without even really talking through it. They put me on valum
and an antidepressant. And when you've never taken anything like that before and you start feeling completely numb, that is a beautiful feeling compared to depression. And so I thought, I can just take this pill and not feel anything, and I would. Nobody gave me a limit on it. Nobody really walked. You know. My mom didn't have too much information on this, so she just so heartbroken watching me just be the shell of myself. And every day I would just sleep and take a pill and go
back to sleep. And that happened for honestly too long, and my parents really had to do something about it because I had to wean myself off and it was probably you know, I ended up being sneaky about it, not telling them when I was taking it, and they just kind of were there for me during all of it, and they said, this isn't you like go back to Vancouver. My friend said I could live on his couch. I stayed on my friend's couch and I just got myself like,
little by little. My mom said, baby steps, baby steps, is all you need to do right now. We're here to support you financially. And I took little baby steps. If I got out of bed that day, that was a small win. If I walked out and got a coffee, that was a small win. I eventually worked myself up into going to a restaurant and filling out an application to host to work my way up in a restaurant, and just little by little through the support of friends
and family and then therapy. That's when I got into therapy. Baby steps got me where I needed to get to be.
Oh, you should be so proud of yourself, not only for how far you've come, but also for being really vulnerable and sharing that part of your life with the world, because it's that kind of honesty that creates impactful connections with people all over the world who are dealing with similar things to you.
Perhaps, Yeah, I actually couldn't believe. So I think also a part of how I grew up, I didn't I didn't, you know, grow up doing auditions for TV. I didn't know how TV worked. I didn't know what overnight success looked like with a platform. And so I think I've just always been like, what isn't everyone this honest? And that has gotten me in trouble, but that's also built
a beautiful community. And I always vulnerability creates connection, It creates community, and I couldn't believe how much people were craving that in a world of social media. I was like, oh, I didn't even realize the impact that could have by sharing a story.
Right, It's it's wild. You don't think it until you do it, and then you just feel so connected to the people who are in similar situations.
Yes, and just hearing it. Like I used to get a little bit overwhelmed if people would come up and be like, because you know, on the Bachelorette, you get pigeonholed, you get pigeonholed into this one dimensional character. And I got overwhelmed by people coming up to me and saying like I can't believe what you did and this and this, But then it started turning into you, you know your podcast is really helped me, or how honest you are has really helped me. And now I just like want
to hug everyone. I just like love it so much.
And the people are like, oh I was scared to say hi, I'm like no, please like run and jump in my arms.
I just think it's so cool now.
It really is. How do you choose to show up for yourself? Now?
Every day I was thinking how good of timing this podcast was because I just came out of a three day therapy retreat that I did in Nashville. I ended up actually doing some equine therapy with a horse.
And oh my god, I'm so jealous right now.
Oh it was beautiful work. Like I've I've done some really heavy stuff. I did this program called Hoffman where I did some inner child work, and I've done a lot of therapy and I loved it so much, and I just choose, like I think, at this point in my life, I really understand kind of it's kind of clockwork for me when I have tough times. So I
suffer pretty badly from hormonal depression. And I don't know why it took me so long into my thirties to realize that's what it was like every time, same time,
every month. I'm like, oh, so, I just I really choose to, like look at where I'm at in my cycle, if I'm being completely honest and give myself banks for certain things, and I feel I have therapy I do once every two weeks, and even if I don't feel like going, and even if I feel like I have nothing to learn or nothing to say, I always walk away being like I'm so glad I did that. It's kind of like, you know, moving your body or going to the gym, or I always joke about how it's
like going to the gym and having sex. It's like, why did it feel so good once you get there? Why were you so hesitant to that place? It's like that's for me too, And I felt like another thing that I really do. I lift heavy weights, and I never thought I would do that. I always hated working out, and now just I feel so mentally strong after coming out of a workout that that's become something I really
do for myself. And how I show up for myself and then I would say the last thing is And I still struggle with this, but I will have pep talks with myself in the mirror, like if somebody was watching. I live by myself and sometimes I'm like, I should have brother cameras in here, like it is hilarious how I talk to myself. I'll look in the mirror. I'll be like, oh, you look so and then I go, no, no, no, we don't talk to ourselves that way. And then I'll
find something I love about myself. I'll give myself my fives. I'll like go do a gratitude circle with my freaking dogs,
like I'll hold up paws. And it's like, over all the years of doing things, you know that learning lessons, and you kind of just build up this the as they call the toolbox, you know, for people who know what that is obviously, who listen to your podcasts, and you know it's it becomes easier over time to snap out out of it, but there's nothing wrong with not snapping out of it either.
Right, And I think once you really determine, like I am a person that's a little chemically imbalanced, and you've gotten specific about it, that it's connected with your cycle. Once you nail it down and figure it out, it's less scary, and you know you can you can accept that about yourself and not be shameful of it, you know, because there's a lot of shame around depression, I feel like.
And I still do, even though I could sit here and talk about it all day, Like, I still do find myself having shame around it, even though you know, how we we have this thought and I know a lot of people bring this up lately, is that two things can be true at once. I can suffer depression and I can also be very vulnerable, and I can also be very happy, and I can also be very sad.
And I am a human being feeling the full spectrum of emotions in a day, and it's it's I do feel shame around it sometimes, but thanks to podcast like yours and people talking about it, it's like there's really nothing to be ashamed of. And I also do have the chemical imbalance. And obviously I'm not a doctor, but like going on medication for me changed my whole life because and what the doctor said to me, and what I've heard a lot is people say, if you had
a heart condition, you'd take medication. If you have a balance, take medication. You know. Again, go talk to your doctor and whatever you believe in. But for me, personally helping myself through medication and therapy has like changed my whole whole life.
I'm so happy for you. It sounds like your toolbox is full, yes, of great things to get you through tough times like that. And yeah, also in relationships, like if anybody ever makes you feel ashamed or like you're too much or you're just I had this a lot, Caitlin. I was always told I was too emotional. Yeah, And it was hard for me because you know, I played like the this character for ten years in my very formative developmental years who was experiencing trauma after trauma after
trauma on the show. And that definitely had an effect on me. But I came to the place where I was like, yeah, I am emotional, and I'm going to switch it to say I'm emotionful and I actually love that about myself now.
Yes, And how long did it take you to love that about yourself?
Oh gosh, I am going to say not until I was out of a relationship where I didn't feel good about myself. It was in my early forties.
Yeah, yeah, see. And that's so inspiring because I think a lot of people think there's an age on where you should be, oh my gosh, or with where you're at in life, and not only career, but emotionally financially. Everybody has this idea where they're supposed to be. And I'm like, I bet you I'll get on my deathbed hopefully in like one hundred and five and I'll go I still don't think I got it.
I mean truly it. Everybody's on their own schedule.
Yeah, yeah, yeah exactly. And relationships really will make you believe something that is not true about yourself if it's one you know and it's it's the benefit of hindsight is always looking back and saying, oh, I just I actually wasn't even myself in that relationship, and what that person was making me feel bad about is actually something that's that's part of who I am, that's part of my DNA, and that can be something that's actually beautiful instead.
Of exactly exactly. You said something about society. Do you feel that the bullshit societal pressures that we are all put under, but specifically that you should be in a certain stage of life already at your age. How do you handle that? Because I think so many women are like you, living fierce, independent, cool lives, but they still feel stuck or like something is wrong with them because they haven't got the husband or the kids or whatever else it is that they need quote unquote to have.
Yeah, I once in a while will like go into a like, oh god, because I'm turning forty this year, which I know, I feel like that's like I've always been made to feel like that's scary. But then I'm like, I still feel twenty five, and I just I almost feel better than I did it twenty five. Actually I'm taking better, yes, myself, I have more like wisdom and knowledge.
I'm more a more evolved version of myself. And I always heard people talk about, you know, forty's are the best and it just gets better and better, and now I believe it so, but I do. I still have moments where I'm like, I kind of giggle sometimes when I look around and I go, I'm I'm hyper independent. I'm almost the opposite now where I'm like I think
I could have a baby on my own. I think I could on my own like my therapist will be like, that's also a trauma response, because I like, I'm like, but it's an option.
Yeah, it's often, and I think that's empowering because I'm I'm just I did this whole visualization the other day with I have a talk about tools in the belt.
I've got a therapist, I've got a spiritual coach. I have this she's like an intuitive coach, and we're doing this visualization and she was asking me to picture like you can wake up anywhere in the world and you're with anyone you want, Like, what is your perfect day? And it was so funny because like it's it's a perfect world, so I can make it up. I have, you know, it can be outrageous. And I was in
Hawaii for like one hour of the day. But what I found was I I was like, well, I woke up in my own bed, in my home with my dogs and no one else. And she's like, isn't that beautiful that that was your actual Like you got into a meditation, you were picturing your perfect day and you were with yourself. And I'm like, that is really cool. And I wouldn't have said that five years ago.
You know, Yes, You've come so far. I'm so proud of you.
I know I would go through the screen and give you a hunk.
Can we talk about relationships a little. People have followed you finding love first on the Bachelor, then on the Bachelorette, you know, and you were engaged and that didn't work out, right, and then you found love again. Yeah, and that didn't work out, which, by the way, is absolutely okay.
Totally, I'm with you.
We have to try things on first to see how they fit. You know, when I was like single and in my forties, I went through a number of let's call them, ill fitting relationships, and I learned so much about myself and I feel like you are. You know, you are living that right now.
Yeah, I honestly I go back and if I could talk to that X that absolutely broke me, I would thank him because that alone, that one breakup, made me think I can get through anything. Anything get through through you know, between losing my best friend and the guy I thought I was going to marry, I was like, Okay, I didn't think I could get through those two things. And I came out of it more spiritual, I came out of it much stronger and knowing myself a million
times better. So now I just think, like the relationship that ended from the Bachelorette, I had a hard time with that one, but again not as bad compared to that breakup from the Germany Times, and I went, this is awful, but I'm going to get through this and
I know what I deserve and that wasn't it. And then the second one was like more of If I'm being completely honest, in this moment, I think I was caught up in everything this guy was because he was everything that one wasn't and I just thought, well, he does this, and he does this, and he has this on paper, and the internet seems to support us, and I kind of like fell into my own little trap of what was real and what wasn't. And I think
that I changed a lot through that relationship. I think that person changed tremendously through the relationship, and we just were not compatible at all whatsoever at the end. And it was one of the easier breakups I've had, even
though it was an engagement. We had dogs together, thought our life was together, and I walked away from it so confident, and now I just almost the bad part about it is almost me saying, you know, the hyper independent trauma response, as my therapist calls it, where I'm like, I'm like, relationships are so hard.
Uh, yours preaching to the choir.
Yeah, I'm just like it scares me now because I'm just like, you know, you think you know somebody and you think it's right, and three years down the road that person could not be right for you anymore, and it's scary.
Do you think you give in to I call them my non negotiables, Like I made a list of what it was that was just not ever going to work for me in a relationship, what I didn't want, and I was, you know, being very specific and kind of like, well, I'm really narrowing this down. I don't know who's going to fit into this category. But have you done that?
Oh yes, Oh my gosh. And I I laugh every time at my list because it'll be like, no more bachelor guys, Caitlin.
Oh my god. Okay, I'm so happy to hear you say this. I'm really feeling like you need to go elsewhere to find okay, or that.
I honestly don't. I just feel like I'm I have I have a list, like obnoxiously long list, and some of them I go Caitlin like, don't you can bend on that one? But I'm just like, am I making it too hard on myself? Way? Wait?
Wait, what's when you could bend on?
Like I don't want them to have a podcast? I feel like I feel like the podcast actually like tore us a part of my last relationship.
Okay, get a guy that doesn't have a podcast. It's not that hard.
Every guys, I feel like every you know that trend where people will be like, hey, there's a guy without a podcast, and You're like, where because every he has a podcast, which I love because I love the podcast community so much. But I'm like, why is that? Why is that all my non negotiable? I guess because I have trauma from it?
Yeah, yeah, I feel you though. I I was married to an actor for a long time. I'm always around actors, wow, And I was trying to make the actor thing work, but it did not work for me whatsoever. Yeah.
You probably have this common bond with somebody if they're in the same industry as you and you've been through similar situations and you do it's exactly that word. You bond over it and then it's like, Oh, they understand me and I understand them, and I don't know something.
You get a little fooled, Yeah, you do get.
I feel like I've been bamboozled in the past.
Bamboozled.
That's such a good word.
You've been so open though, Like with your journey to love and breakups. How are you feeling about another relationship? Will you let it be in the public.
I probably won't until it is, like, you know, I always talk about the foundation of a relationship, and in my last two the foundation was built online, like in front of people, and I just feel like I really would like to try a different approach this time. And although I am like, I kind of find myself feeling guilty about that because I do share so much, and I do feel like that's part of who I am, as an open book and sharing everything and not caring
what people think. But when it comes to dating right now, I just feel like I want to keep it so sacred.
Same thing with my house. I you know, I thought about doing this big house tour and showing everybody, and I'm like, I think I'd like to keep my relationship that part of my heart and my home sacred for me right now and not open it up to even though it's so much love and support and joy, there's a lot of criticism and I'm just like wanting to just build this healthy foundation first and then I'm sure eventually I would share, but in this moment right now, I think I want to keep it myself.
Yeah. I think your instinct is absolutely right, because all right, being sharing and being open is such a beautiful, vulnerable quality that you have. You have to honor that in yourself, you know.
Yeah. I just I'm like, I you know, when you see people online where you're like and then they break up and you're like what, And it's so shocking because you like were inspired with them, you look up to them. And I myself just because like even in my other relationships that I've shared online, those those things still happened. There was still those moments that we shared, but there's always something.
Absolutely you never know what's going on behind closed doors.
Yeah, And I just I think that's part of a relationship. To me, feels like I need to put all beautiful things out there because I don't know if people want to even see messy things like that or be like, well, why are you sharing that, So I feel like, you know, right now, let's just let's keep it all to ourselves.
I like that idea, they do. Do you think that any of your relationship ups and downs have changed your outlook on marriage in general? Maybe you know, not going public is a step in the right direction.
But I just go like I really do. I was never one of those girls that grew up being like I can't wait for my wedding day and blah blah. Like I was always like, oh my gosh.
Really yeah, yeah, But I think you're like me. You love love. I love love.
I do. I am a sucker for it. I really am a sucker for it too, And so I do. I do like the idea of marriage. I do like the idea of having a family. But I don't know if anything's changed. I feel like I still have the same like sometimes I think I need to soften up
a little bit on because I do love love. But I try to be too tough sometimes and my friends always call me an undercover softy because I act so hard on the outside with like, yeah, I don't know if I want to get nearried, But they're like, you you are a lover, like I am, deep down, and I just think I've always I don't know. I think I've always had the same beliefs and thoughts and ideas
of what love is. It's just I think I've maybe gotten more secure in my own self so I can like talk about it differently now.
Yeah. I mean, I'll say this with all sincerity. I know it's hard because I've been through it all. Yeah, when you go through all of that heartbreak, though, how do you choose love again?
I don't know. I honestly I don't. I wish I had an answer. I don't know. I feel like I talked about that this past weekend at this it's like an intensive It was so beautiful, it was so cool. It was so scary. It was so messy and great and lovely.
That's awesome.
Yeah, but I did talk about that. I was like, you'd think the older you get in, the more wisdom, the more heartbreak and the more lessons, you would feel more confident going into another relationship. But I actually feel like I'm more confident in myself and I'm less confident and more insecure about real love. And I think that's okay because that's where I'm at right now. And that's where you're at. Yeah, And I still like, I feel
like I'm always this walking contradiction. I have so many different thoughts at the same time, so many different beliefs, so many ideas and things that I go why I just said the opposite and then I'm saying this, and I do it all the time. But I'm like, that's just part of who I am. And I just have so many different thoughts around relationships and love that I actually don't know how to answer that question because I don't know how to believe in it. Again, I just
I do. I just don't know how to explain it or do it, or I don't know.
I think you're exactly right. You are in the space of loving yourself right now, and in our to do that, you have to be all in, you know, and you don't need somebody else's opinions or you know, parameters defining you getting to love yourself. Yeah, I've been there. It wasn't until I was after my second divorce and i'd
been with him for a long time. We had three beautiful kids together, and it wasn't until after that that I started to do the journey and started to do the work and find who I really was because I had no idea. And it was in that that I fell in love with myself finally, and all I wanted to do was hang out with me yep and like my dogs and my kids. And then that seemed like and I know they've said this before, but that is when it happens.
Yeah, I believe that. I totally believe that. And I think I think somebody who's also done the work and been through their own you know things, is important and I just feel, yeah, that's I mean, that's shown up in my life right now. I'm not I'm not not dating. I'm you know, I've I've I've been consistently on a date with somebody, and I'm just you know, that's like as much as people know, and it's it's really like kind of helping me believe in people. Again. I think
that's also my problem. I think it's not even love. I think it's humans. I grew up in a such a loving environment with true friends, and I think real people, real people, And I think going on TV and being in a world of social media has rocked my world with trust issues and using the word bamboozled again, like where you think you know somebody and their intentions aren't what you thought, and it's just like it rocks my world. So I don't even know if it's about love. I
think it's about people. And I'm just like, kind of what you said, I'm I'm like, how do you leave this? Hi?
I have a dog with me too right now.
It's just the best. It's the absolute best. And especially dogs because my friends and family always laugh at me because they go Babies, dogs and old people are like your three favorite things because they can't hurt you. And I was like, that's so true.
It's so true. I think that's an okay list of things people to hang out with.
And I don't. I don't even stop at dogs. I'm like, I want a horse now. After this last weekend, I am destined to have a horse. All the animals. I just love it.
That's so great where you live? How's the dating pool?
Not?
What's it like out there?
I've you know, what's so funny is I've so I live in Nashville and I've never dated, Like, I haven't been on a date with somebody here. I Nope, we got to go to New York for that. I feel like I feel like there's or Canada, good ones in Canada and New York. Yes, I've only heard through the grapevine of friends dating in Nashville that it's the worst. But I'm not sure why.
I feel like Nashville is the new La, Like it's a mini La.
Yeah, I feel like Nashville is starting to do LA better than LA does LA.
It's full of La guys. Yeah, full of musicians, two categories that are yeah, dicey.
You're right, it's the yeah and everyone's here just to like live out their dream of being a musician. So, yeah, I have heard it's rough out there.
Yeah, I don't envy you. I've already said I if I have a divorce from my husband now, which I hope that doesn't happen, I will absolutely live the rest of my life just with my animals. I fully, I'm gonna Doris day it just move out of town.
I honestly, I think about this all the time. I'm like a ranch in Montana with animals sounds dreams, Yeah, right up, my alley.
Absolutely. Okay. You know how patterns repeat themselves in relationships. After you've been in and out of relationships, good and bad, you start to recognize patterns and other people like, have you been able to say, oh, look at this, here are my patterns.
Oh yes, Oh, I like I call it being an awareness. Hell after you do this my therapy, Like it's almost I'm hyper aware of my patterns and I work on them so much. But there's it's like ingrained in me, and it's it's it's wild. But I think it really does stem from so my parents divorced and then I lost my best friend. So I think I'm just truly terrified of loss. And so I find my pattern is to look for either the other shoe to drop or an out because I'm always having you know, my guar up,
and I'm waiting for something bad to happen. And I do feel like I punish myself by doing that. I find that And you know, it's another funny thing that I learned from being with a horse this weekend is.
It sounds so weird, so weird.
So what I learned from being with a horse is I was trying to lead this horse. And I pride myself on like being an animal lover, and I'm like, horses love me, and so I was trying to walk this horse and the horse wouldn't go with me, and she was like, what is coming up for you? And I'm like, I'm being needy, like impatient and needy where I'm like, come on, all animals love me, like you come with me? Like you're embarrassing me. And she was like,
does that come up for you in your life? And I'm like, I think I have been needy in my past, and I think the hyper awareness now of that being a pattern, I'm so the opposite where I'm like, I find the neediness embarrassing and I don't think it has to be. It's it's kind of just like about being
aware of it. But it was interesting that that came up because that's something that I've noticed in my past, just like even though I'm this independent, strong, you know all this, but I can be really needy in relationships and that's when I start to lose myself. So it's I think that would be a pattern. But most most pattern, the biggest pattern that keeps patterning for me is probably the fear of loss and sabotaging it myself.
Yeah, it's so interesting your story because you said when you're younger, you experienced these huge losses and then your life's work has become to you just have been sent more and more loss. Yes, in these relationships that haven't worked, And so something is really sending you a very strong message on what to focus on. Yes, in allowing yourself that grief.
Yes, it doesn't have to be so scary, like I can, I will survive. Yeah, And I keep showing myself that. But what do they say that? Like, there's some saying is like what you don't heal will be revealed, or's something like it's just going to keep showing up until you heal that part of you and then and then what I'm like, Well, if that part of me is healed, I'll just find something else to focus on. Yep, else to destroy.
I know there's always going to be work to do ourselves, I think until our last breath. I sometimes I'm like, oh my god, I'm so tired of evolving.
I know it's exhausting, it's exhausting, it's so exacting. I compare it always to I always try and think of my body as my home. This is where I'm constantly living. You want to take care of it, but there's always maintenance. Something will always be wrong, There's always going to be something you need to fix.
Or rebroken wood around the windows, you got to get it painted.
Yes, no matter what, there's always something And that's also a blessing that I have live in a home you know that I can fix and take care of. And I have to treat myself like that too.
Yeah, yep, Okay, you're going to be this big things coming up for you. You're about to enter your forties in June. What's the date, June nineteenth? June nineteenth, Yes, that is a big milestone birthday. What do you hope to gain in your forties and what do you hope to leave behind you from your thirties?
Okay, I hope to I hope to gain a little more softness because I think I think that's part of my life lesson is to soften and like even even you know, when I think of myself, and like you said at the beginning, and I'm it's like my favorite compliment if somebody says badass, like that still means that I can be soft, you know, like that still means
that I can and and not that I'm not. I really am soft, but like embracing that, and I think I think I need to let go of the fear of life, like and that comes in every form, like I do grief counseling for when my dogs go because I'm so scared of losing them, Like it's My best friend said something to me the other day and I was.
Like, whoa.
She goes, do you think this is your last life? And I was like, why do you say that? And she was like, because I feel like you really are like trying to find your life purpose and she said, and you are so sad of like loss and time, the passage of time. She's like more than most people, and she lost the same it was our best friend together. So she she's lost her dad. She said so much loss too, but she's like, you take it harder than most people I know. And so I'm like, oh my god,
is it my last life? I have to figure it all out.
But I do think that I don't think that has anything to do with it. It being your last life.
Well, I'm okay with it if it is, because I feel like I'm I feel like this is a very good one and I'm happy with it. And I do feel like I'm on this like quest and search to find like the meaning of life. And I love, But I think I need to With all this therapy I've done because of the loss, and with seeing every single time how I get through it, I think I need to stop focusing it on it so much. It's almost like I'm manifest loss because I think of it so much.
I think I would like to loosen up a bit there and maybe leave that in the past and then gain in my forties. Oh my gosh, I think I want I think I want to. The simple thing of I think a lot of people are doing this right now is say no to the things that like you don't really want to do.
Because so hard, so.
Hard, And I feel like, especially I do the comparison things sometimes where I'm like, why am I not on that carpet interviewing people, or why am I not doing this? Or why am I? And I'm like, I've actually craved this downtime that I'm in right now for so long, For I mean so long ten years, I've been like, Okay, don't go, go, go go. In my forties, I think I want to just like reap the benefits of the hard work and still work hard, but like kind of like take it all in in my.
Forties appreciate it.
Yeah, appreciate it.
Yes, appreciation is the same as gratitude. And I found so much peace in allowing myself to have gratitude because there were so many times in my life that I thought I was in most people's eyes, I've been so lucky and or you know, I've had this life that I felt almost ashamed of it.
Yeah, I understand that. I mean, you you have had a really beautiful career. You're so talented, and your your voice is so soothing by the way, like podcasts, I'm like, oh, it's just like there's something very peaceful about your energy. But it's yeah, it's it's that's That's a good way to think about it, as to appreciate all the hard work and and not that you're you're like, okay, done here, Like you're podcasting. It's hard work, you know what I mean.
But it's appreciating where you've gotten to and loving what you do. I think that's another thing, like choose the things that I love to do. I love podcasting, I love dogs, I love doing I love sharing stuff on social media. I really do. I love doing it. I just I need to cut back on the consuming of it. But sharing I love.
Yeah, it's the consuming that gets you.
Yeah.
I just I see myself in you so much. I think because you love so hard, yeah, is the reason you grieve so hard at a relationship because I know, for me, I'm the person that hangs on like I'm the person never wants to break up. And what can I do? And how can we work on this? How can we make it better? I know we can fix this. And because I am a very very hard worker, and I think if I put my mind to it, I
can fix anything. And so I think that's why it's so hard for people like us, that the grief and just how it really hits you hard.
That's a good point. I don't know if I've ever put those two together, that when you love hard, the loss is hard. Like that's that's a good point.
Are you do?
You know what you are on the enneagram?
What's that tell us?
Oh? You need to do it? So anyagram is actually so hard to explain. I had like an enneagram expert on my podcast years ago to it helped me understand it. But it's basically there's like numbers one through nine like a personality test.
Yes, my daughter just told me about this she's settying psychology.
Yeah, oh cool, that's amazing. Put me in touch with her. And yeah, I'm a four with a three wing, and I feel like there's so many similarities between us with that, Like I would be shocked if you weren't that, because a four like really has big feelings, very sensitive. That's just a couple. There's like there's good and bad to every number, but a three is also like a hard worker and a go getter and the achiever. And I'm
so a mix of those two things. And I felt validated and seen when I read those two types of personalities, because I'm like, why do I think I'm the only one out there that feels like this. I'm not. There's so many people that feel the same way. And it was just it was really validating to read about my numbers.
Yeah, and what you were saying before, it's so so so important to remember that one no is a full sentence, and two you can be strong and still be soft. Like you said before, two things can exist at the same time.
Yes, Like when I need to stop calling myself a walking contradiction, I'm just like the true definition of maybe five things being through at the same.
Time, I feel like you're really curious, You're really curious about yourself about relationships. Like I've always also said, like I suck at relationships. I just I can't do this, Like I am a person that cannot have a healthy relationship no matter what, because I will do something to bust it open. Yeah, yeah, the same as and I don't And just learning that about myself and then I'm able to sort of step back and watch when it's happening and like try to turn it around.
Yes, I have out of body experiences sometimes where I'm like, I'm doing the thing.
I'm doing the thing.
Yeah, And there are like, obviously you found love, and you know there are people out there that see that as the beauty that it is. You know what I mean, that is that's what makes you you.
Yeah. Yeah, I just it's so important to me to have somebody that loves all the parts of me. Yes, oh, my damaged parts, the parts that other people see as extra or too much.
Yeah. I mean I watched my mom be too much all the time, and she's like one of the biggest inspirations to me.
Yeah, and now as you get older, like she's not being too much, she's just being her and that's so amazing.
Yeah, exactly, she is so and that like I think she is going to live the longest life because she just enjoys it so much.
Yeah, yeah, I hope.
So.
Okay, before I let you go, Caitlin Bristow, what was your last I choose me moment?
I would? I would say this past weekend where I I you know, I have a little bit of guilt because my best friend in the whole world it was her husband's fortieth birthday and I would have had to travel to Canada and I had to say no because I had to choose me and go to this retreat. That truly just I was like, what more can I learn about myself? This is so fun? And I learned so much more about myself this past weekend, and I just I'm just such a believer in that kind of work.
So I think I really chose me this weekend.
I love it. I love it. I love you. I think you're awesome. Thanks so much much, and I just send you so much positivity and support.
Same to you. I honestly view there's some sort of special energy about you, and I mean that. Oh thank you, Yeah, thank you for having me, I really mean that
I appreciate it so much.