I Choose … Getting Naked with Valerie Bertinelli

You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Girl. Welcome back to I Choose Me. My guest is Valerie Bertinelli, a woman who lived nearly five decades in the public eye, beginning as the beloved girl next door on One Day at a time, a show I was not allowed to watch because it was a little too sassy for my mom's taste. We watched her grow up on screen, but what we didn't see was how early fame can shape you, and how easy it is to become who everyone else

You're I kind of know you. I don't even though we've never met. It's like Oh, yeah, there's Jenny Greth.

Isn't it weird that we've never met like paths.

Well, we're kind of well because I'm older than you, so we kind of situations like your part.

You and me.

I was right behind you, trailing inspired by you all the way. By the way, Oh my god, No, I've adored you one because you've always reminded me and my sister Cammi.

Oh like, that's how I got the job on One D at a time. You because I reminded Laera of his daughter Maggie.

Oh my god.

I remind people a lot of like siblings or mothers or daughters or Yeah.

That's why you're so relatable and I love you so much. So you this new book that you you've written, your new memoir, Getting Naked. I think it was in the first chapter there was something that really grat me right away, and I'm just going to read it because I don't want to mess it up. Who do I see when I look at myself? Who am I looking at? There's the version the world sees and the me that only I know, The inside me and the outside me? Is one more important than the other? Should they sync up?

What if they don't HI feel familiar? Yeah?

Yeah, and it's I still to this day, I'm getting closer. The two are sinking up, you know, more and more the older I get. But I do wonder of like who I'm looking at? Who do I want to see? When you know, I see me looking back at me? And and do they line up? Do they have to line up?

I don't know.

Is it?

I don't know because.

I'm sinssary or actresses, so we do act, but I.

I mean, I'm not acting a lot when I'm out in public, and you know, people come up to me on airplanes.

And airports or whatever. It's just like, that's just me, right, you know. And it's so funny because some people like, look, where's you're a entra I'm like, no, it's just me carrying my luggage going to the airplane.

That's right. You walked in here with not a publicist, no no manager, no assistant, no bapart.

Is I don't like I understand some people that have to do that.

But I've been around so long I think people actually do think I'm like their neighbor or someone that they knew from high school. I know, you look familiar, so I just don't feel Maybe I've been in the public eye for so long that it just doesn't feel abnormal anymore. And I still and I'm able to just go on with my life. Go to the grocery store, I go to the dry cleaners. I clean my cat poop out of the cat box. I mean, I just like I have a normal life. I have an abnormal job.

Real people.

That's what some.

People find it so hard to believe, is that we're like actual, living, breathing human beings.

Yeah, I just picked up dog poop before you got here.

So and that's a cute damn dog too.

The little dotty potty. It's okay, But.

That's I mean, we literally have lives that, you know. I take my dog to the vet, take my cat to the vet.

I was New Year's Eve.

I was at the vet with my cat, you know, last New Year's Eve when when Nelson had passed. But so I don't I guess, I'm it doesn't confuse me like it used to. I understand it. But I I think it's normal to be quote unquote normal. What is normal?

What is normal?

I don't even know what normally.

I have a really weird job that's really exciting and for me artistic and unusual, an unusual job.

Okay, that's a better word.

People look at it and can't like imagine themselves doing.

That, right, And it's not something that I mean because you are putting your emotions and your vulnerability on the line as an actress, as an actor, and I think what happens is the better you become.

At acting, it's because I think.

We're more willing to open ourselves up more and be vulnerable in front of the crew so that we can reach the character and give the best, most authentic performance.

What about when you're doing something like Jure Verrymore show, when you're just yourself, or when you're doing your new show Valories place.

Like Yeah, that is like sometimes it's so myself that I get a little nervous that I'm going to get a bunch of pushback because I can be a little rash. I think the things that make me strong are probably things that could make me come off abrasive.

To some people. But I'm not going to change.

That because I've spent my whole life sort of defending myself and now I don't feel like I have to defend myself anymore.

And This is really kind of what you see is what you get.

Yeah, and if you don't like it, I'm cool with that, right, Like I'm not for everybody, and I'm so cool with that.

It took me a long time to get cool.

With that, right.

So being as much myself as I'm allowed to be on Drew is actually like for me, it's been a godsend because that job came along right when I really needed it, Like I was, I was drowning in twenty twenty four.

I was so miserable I was last two years ago.

Yeah, and I think you know why when you read the book, there was just a lot of shit going on and I just didn't feel like I catch my breath.

Yeah, you had just left the Food Network. M hmmm that show ended, Yeah, and it made me sad, I expectedly for ye probably and because I wasn't.

Asking for a raise, the show was still doing really, really well. So I took it personally. And I know in business, as we know, you can't take it personally, but I was doing my best to not.

But it's like, but wait a minute.

All the signs are there of a successful show and I'm not asking for more money, Like why don't you want me?

And then it's like, yeah, it is business.

Then you just have to remember and it's not personal.

No, yeah, no matter how much it does. And I think you can apply that to everything in life. You know, if someone's treating you badly, you can say, listen, this isn't personal. They may say it's about me, but it's not. And that's where it gets really like the work that I've been able to do in these last two years to come to a point where I really am so grounded in who I am and I know what I'm about that no matter how someone speaks to me now, Like I don't take it personally, I don't.

It's not about me.

Did you ever read the Four Agreements?

Yes?

I love that one.

Yeah, it's really good.

I had them taped to my mirror for a long term. It's hard to remember though.

It's like every time they're like, what are the four and I can get three, but I can't remember that fourth one.

Don't take it personally, don't take it personally. I think that is right. No, do the best you can, do the best you can.

I think it's the last fourth one.

Yeah, but and I would add that to do Yes, I would say I'm doing the best I can and I can always do better. That's how I like to take because I don't think we're ever done learning. No, not to me day we die, and any of the day day we die. I can see myself now going, God, dang it, I knew I.

Could have done this better. Can I go back right now or let me send me back in a couple of years.

I know I can do it better. You walk away from something and you just.

Are like, oh, have done it better? Better?

Yeah?

Yeah, and then everybody says it was great, it was fine, don't worry about it, and then you worry about it for the next four hours.

Yeah, all the mistakes I've made, all the regrets that I have, Like, I would like to change that, but then I remember I wouldn't be who I am today if I did change that.

Yeah, it was painful as hell going through it.

Yeah, don't want to do it again.

Don't want to do it.

Oh I got that lesson? Good, nice and clear loud neon sign not the lesson.

I think you got it. I don't think you're going to go through a nay of that again. No, and I don't think I will you no, I hope not.

Yeah, I think we're smart enough.

Now we're smarter. Now we're wiser, right.

Not that we weren't smart, but I think I feel more knowledgeable. I feel like I have more information to deal with now, so I could do it differently.

Right, I think becoming famous young, as we both did, being in the industry that we're both in, I feel like who we are is sort of decided by someone else. So we spend a lot of time living up to other people's expectations of us, and that is just a loop of anxiety.

Especially when you have those voices in your head as well already. Right, yeah, yeah, but I know that. I mean, I'm sure you got this too.

Like I did a sitcom for nine years on Monday at time, and then I want to do TV movies.

Well, we don't know if.

She can beat do drama, but it's acting, right, And so then I did TV movies for ten years, and then I want to do a sitcom again, and can she be funny?

Like I don't?

Yeah, why don't I keep proving those they say you're only as good as your last project, which it really stinks for those of us that haven't had a project in a while. Then you're like, yeah, guys.

I could do this. I promise I have enough life experience. I can give you what you need.

Yeah. So you say that you're nine year little girl that you envision inside of yourself, sweet little girl with fear in her eyes. And I think when we do the work, that inner child work, so many of us recognize that fearful little girl.

Yeah, or boy just wants to be taken care of, like protect me, just protect And I feel like I'm finally someone who could have protected her right, Like there.

Was so many years when I didn't. I didn't even acknowledge.

Her, No, and I just always put her aside just to make sure I was pleasing everybody else, I was behaving correctly, or I was doing what they wanted me to do, or I was making them happy. I just I still want to make people happy, just not at destruction of my soul, you know.

Not selling your soul.

No, No, I mean it makes me happy to make my son and his wife happy, my daughter in law, It makes me happy to make my animals happy. It makes me happy to make my friends happy because they make me happy. So it's a give and take there. But to just try to sell myself all the time, like I swear I'm a good person.

It's like, yeah, either think I am or I am not. And I'm okay with whatever said to you.

How did you come to realize that you needed to comfort that little girl.

I got to a point where I knew that I was pushing down trauma that I thought was fine.

I've dealt with it.

It's been fifty six fifty years. I've almost I mean, I can deal with it. Like, look look what I've done in my life so far, it hasn't affected me. And speaking of you know, going to therapist when I started when I was twenty. But I finally realized that if if I take away the opportunity to give someone I had something happen where I was vulnerable and I shared my shame with someone and they were then able to turn it into a weapon and use it against me to hurt me.

That is rude.

It's difficult, and so I thought, I can't change them or ask them to behave better, but I can change my reaction anything that I'm feeling from it. It's not about that isn't about me. That's what they did. But what am I going to do about my shame and my vulnerability to make sure that nobody can use it as a weapon again. I have to dig down deep, and I have to take care of it, and I

By right, growing bumps, right, But.

The original shame, Like, I need to dig into that and make friends with that so that nobody can ever shame me again.

So that whenever somebody brings it up or tries to or it brings.

Up anything about you know, making fun of my character or trying to disarm me with you know, whatever, I can say that's that's not about me. You know, you can lie about me and I'll be like, yeah, that's about you, and that doesn't change who I am.

I'm still me.

Do you think that the little girl inside you still has fear in her eyes?

Not as much, not as much. When I really look in the mirror, not to see what I physically look like, but I really like look into my eyes, I see someone a lot calmer, who feels a lot safer.

And it didn't.

I mean, it took a long time to get here. I don't want to give people because I want people to learn from this and I want people to be able to do this for themselves. It doesn't take it. I thought, well, the first time I was sexually assaulted abused when I was eleven, and the very first time I really talked about it, really talked about it. My first husband knew it had happened, but we didn't talk

I thought, Okay, I'm going to be healed now I said it out loud. So it takes all the power away.

No, it takes a lot longer because I thought I said it like.

Okay, I'm good now, and we didn't talk about it for years.

I actually stopped going to her so when it's not until I started going back and then really started dealing with the other dramas in my life that I thought, oh, I got to keep going back to the original one until I really take care of it.

It makes me sort of emotional when you said that you're a little girl, doesn't have as much fear and that you are less reactive.

How do you feel that with your and your own life?

Yeah?

How do you think you.

Came to that time? Love? Learning how to love myself? You know, just like it doesn't matter if anybody else loves me. And when someone says, well how do I do that? What do we say to them?

Because I it took me so long to get care did it take you along?

Were you ever annoyed by someone saying, well, you can't fully love someone else until you fully love yourself? I would do that exactly, be.

Like, oh please, Yeah, I mean love is so complicated anyway, but we do have to start with ourselves to have any kind of Yeah, it's just life. But that doesn't mean I can't love someone else. It just means there might be some things that you know, don't get settled right or that go astray right right, But until we because I do believe that you can heal yourselves in relationship as well. I think I've healed myself with relationships

Yeah, it's easier to not try it. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm mean to have a big, full.

Life and you love yourself like that comes across so clearly. Yeah, Whereas it's so weird because I had met you ten twenty years ago, I wouldn't have that feeling, you know.

Yeah, yeah, no, and you wouldn't buddy that.

When they have.

Jack, you have a real calmness about it, You like an equanimity, and it's really lovely. Like don't you feel like when you're in the room, you just like there's nothing like seeping off of you that feels like anxious, Like you just have a serenity about you, and I always strive for that. It's just I mean, I still like getting excited and feeling joy, but it's just it's so nice to have these moments like this still in the centered.

You know, my dad was a really quiet man. He didn't need a lot of words really, and we would just often sit in silence together.

So that feels normal and comfortable for you.

Oh wow. Yeah, that's why when I was married to an Italian, my emotions okay, you know.

What I'm talking about.

No, it was like, you know, am I am my home. I was allowed to express my feelings and have my emotions, And as an adult, I still believe that and I teach that to my girls. It's important. But when there's a lot of other energy going around, you get really confused about what's really yours and what's theirs. Oh yeah, especially in a loud household like that.

Yeah, yeah, Italian we can be allowed. I don't know.

I think I got a little bit of my mother in there, because I don't feel as loud as the Italians that I grew up with. I'm kind of like more like my mom. She was quiet and reserved, and she would watch things, and she had a great sense of humor. I would love to have her a sense of humor, but she's just she was God rest her soul.

She was good.

She had a lot of I mean, I was angry at her too, just like I adore and love my father and I'm still angry at him for cheating on my mom, you know. And I'm angry at my mom for not pushing back and believing in herself more. But she had a really shitty childhood, right, so she didn't know how to do that.

It's weird when you are able to look at your parents from this piss human beings, right, and after you've lived the life, you know, a comparable life to theirs to a certain age, then you look at them and think, wow, you lived through a lot too.

Yeah, like what, And I know they did the best they could, right, because yeah I can. Yeah, so I can't be angry angry at them anymore. And I forgive them as I'm sure they forgave me for the mistakes that I made.

But I sure do love them.

No, that's that bond. Yeah, familial. Yeah, there's nothing like the family.

No, Like I never knew unconditional love. I came close with Ed when we were young because I thought he was my whole world. But with Wolfie, my son, he can do no wrong.

No, he can piss me off once in a while, but I adore him. I love him.

I'm so flipp and happy for him. I'm so happy for the life he's building. You know, He's got such a beautiful woman by his side. I'm just like, oh, yeah, that's all you want is your children to like get to find their person and be happy right and find their life thing in life and live their life.

I'm just oh, I just love them.

Yeah, dittoh, yeah, you say you spent years ignoring your own instincts. Do you trust yourself? Now?

We'll see if I can put them into play again. I do trust myself a hell of a lot more I know that I will trust my instincts more. If something feels off, it means it's off. And I'm not going to talk my gut into thinking no, no, they're really a good person, just give them a chance. Because I'm one of those people that I will give you a million chances to prove me wrong, because I think that everybody is a good person and you just need

No, maybe like five hundred thousands.

Maybe for thirty six, I don't know.

Yeah, it's less, but because I'm still I want to so believe that you're good, and you've got to really prove me wrong. But I'm I I have to trust my instincts more and my intuition and my gut.

Yeah, because it's.

Proved to be right every single time. Yeah, when you look back, oh my god, I was so right. God, why didn't I listen to my right?

Right?

I was so busy trying to convince everybody's No, they're a good person. Watch, watch they're a good They're not?

Oh god, yeah, do you have any tips for somebody that's you know, we talked about a little bit about those voices and that are you know, not helping us, yes, and not encouraging us to choose ourselves? Yes, Like when you say you're trying to convince everybody that this person is a good person.

Right, trying to convince myself that I'm a good person too. Yeah.

Right, Do you have any tips for people that might be listening on how they can shut those voices out and tune into their gut?

Oh?

Where's it coming from? Like what happened? I actually was able to put this into.

Work.

At one point, I was talking with someone and they had said something a week previously, and then I was talking to them again, just recently, and it was a different story, completely different, Like they had said something that and then they said something different to someone else.

I went, oh, that's a red flag. I can't believe I said it a loud first of all.

And they said, I said, because you told me this, He goes yeah, Because I was embarrassed.

I didn't want to admit that. I'm like, Okay, Okay, I get it.

Then I can understand being embarrassed and not wanting to admit something, you know, but okay.

At least a cop to it right away.

So look at where it's coming from.

Look at where it's coming from. Where do you feel it, And if you need to speak on it, speak on it kindly.

To yourself and others.

Yes, always, always, But I think it trust your gut to begin with, and if it you know, you could be wrong, like I was wrong about this person, you know, they they were, And I've been embarrassed where I've kind of like whitewashed something before and then just like said the truth, you know totally.

So I get that, but I love that they copped to it.

Immediately and said yeah, I was embarrassed to tell you so, and then they weren't anymore, Like, yeah, you could have told me the first time.

So much easier to do, so much easier.

Yeah, just be Yeah, it's hard to do, though.

But if you do have doubts about someone, just trust your gut and see where it's coming from. Like, if it's coming from here, it means something feels anxious. If it's coming from here, it means you feel like you can't say something. Why do you feel like you can't say something?

Yeah?

Yeah, and your your body will actually tell you where it's coming from, if it's from your heart. Like most of the stuff that comes from my heart is because it makes me sad. Like something's making me sad. I'm watching something that's just me, me sad a behavior about someone, and I know I won't be able to fix it.

So just like, trust your gut.

Listen to your body telling you things.

I think your body's pretty powerful.

It really is, but we don't hear it.

No, I've been so busy ignoring my body for sixty years that, yeah, I had to tune into it.

It's kind of a miracle.

Yeah. And once you tuned into it, weren't you like, damn girl, I am proud of you.

Yes and yes, And by the way, I thank it a lot too. Yeah, thanks for telling me. And this morning, I woke up really anxious. I had a couple of things that had happened, and my heart was pounding.

I went, Okay, what's this about.

So I put my hand on my heart and I put my other hand on my belly, and I went, we're just gonna We're gonna ride this through. Just tell me what's going on, tell me why you're scared, tell me why it hurts so much. And I just like calmed down within three minutes, and then I forgot what I was worried about. It's like, oh, yeah, I guess it's not that big a deal, right, It's going to be okay.

You can get past it.

Yeah, and we all.

Get past one hundred percent of the stuff we never thought we can.

I mean, it's so true. When you're in like the grip of the trauma or the drama or the anxiety, it feels like it's forever. Oh yeah, but it's really it passes in three minutes.

Like if you really sometimes it'll take five, sometimes it'll take thirty, but and sometimes it'll take a minute.

Right, but your heart, you can talk to your body and slow yourself down because it's just a feeling, yeah, and feelings are information. So I started getting curious. Always get curious with your feelings, like what why am I anxious? What's going on? Okay, well you heard that and you did read that, So what if you just calm down?

And it's okay to calm down if you don't have to calm down right now, you want to really get like pissy, you can do that too, Like, don't tell your feelings to stop, just go What do you want to tell me?

What do you need?

What do you need from me?

Yeah, and sometimes it's that little girl going just protect me, just hold you know, just hold me for right second?

Yeah, for right now, for sure, for sure speaking of get this all.

Sounds so woo wooo listen, but I'm telling you in La having this conversation, people are listening.

Oh, and I get it. I just sound like a fucking freak sometimes, But.

I think talk to your little girl like inside, I mean it you guys, like I'm not blowing smoke?

Is it?

W This is about to survive.

I actually told somebody once I said, well, what's your little child inside? You say? And they went, oh, shut up, Okay.

They're not there already. Okay, you'll get there, you'll get there. Hopefully we all get there. Yeah, you were talking about getting in touch with your body and except you know, listening to your body. I recently saw a TikTok of a woman who was just in her forties, and she talked about how she started feeling ugly, how beauty that she had had and been rewarded for all her life was starting to fade, and she know she was really at forty. I'm thinking, okay, okay, years, thirty more years.

Are you kidding me?

Yeah?

I think, why did I say? Are you kidding?

Nocre's their feelings and you're allowed to have them all. But I'm looking at you, going, she's so beautiful.

Oh my god, I'm looking at you think the same thing.

I mean, isn't it?

If we could just That's why I have a chapter in the book, like if we could like hear ourselves from our animals, if our animals can talk to us, Like if we could hear the way our friends talk about us, if we could hear the way our children talk about us, because our children, no, no, no, no, but I mean when they're unguarded. I mean, I know my son says really lovely things about me, but not to my face.

Sometimes to my face, but rarely.

You talk to a dog.

Yeah, yourself, the way you talk to a dog.

Oh my god, it's the secret.

Look at you? Do you look cute? You just make you smile? Look at you?

You look god, oh god, oh my right, did whant to you talk to you like that?

Because think we'd all be crazy? But it's a good crazy.

I agree with you one hundred percent. And so anybody that's listening that thinks this is just too ulu out of touch or that.

That's okay, you're allowed you do you Yep, you're allowed to think whatever you want.

What do you you talk about mirrors though in your book and the danger of mirrors? What what do you see as the danger of.

The mirror, Because it's not showing our heart and our mind and our soul. It's showing our physical creation on earth. It's showing our human body. And we're here to have a human experience. So this body gets us, gets our soul around or I don't know how the souls work, but it's energy. And we have been trained to find shame in the way we look. And that's a weird thing to train us to do. So who came up

These women were.

Beautiful and bodacious, you know, and now you then you look at the sixties in America and it's like the thinner you are the better And maybe that's still going on.

But I don't know what. I don't know what phase. I don't know where we are is either in the public eye at this point. Yeah.

So that means we just have to accept ourselves.

And it just means you stop caring. Yeah.

Yeah, And I want this woman, this four year old, to stop caring about what other people think of her. Why Why does she not find herself beautiful anymore? What is it about herself that she doesn't find beautiful? She's beautiful? You know that moment today you look at yeah, like, ooh, that's really getting a little sight.

What am I going to take care of that? You know? It's like, I'm not it is what it is. I'll put more cream on. I just need to be moisturized, need moisture, please. But I want her to like.

Look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman, because mirrors are meant to just reflect what we physically look like now, not who we are and what we mean to people. I think when we start seeing ourselves instead of in mirrors, but through other people's eyes that love us.

We're gorgeous.

Yeah, it's so weird. Like sometimes with my husband, I will feel unattractive for some reason or another or be selfish having one of those days, and he will be like, what are you talking about? I don't see that at all, And I think, huh, really are you? That's a lie?

Because he loves you, You're You're loved for you in that moment, he sees how beautiful you are because he sees you for you, and your skin glows and your eyes sparkle.

Because you're beautiful. Yeah, And beauty is in the.

Eye of the beholder, but it's also in the person exuding the beauty.

Beauty is your aura. Beauty is I really sound woo woo. I swear I'm not that woo woo. I'm really grounded.

But beauty is in Like when I'm full of joy and happy, I feel more beautiful because I think.

I look more beautiful.

Absolutely.

And I like when I see pictures of myself where I know that I'm uncomfortable and i know that I'm having a odd day as opposed to where I'm see like pictures that they take when you know, in the kitchen of me cooking, it's like, I look like I'm having so much freaking fun.

To me, I look beautiful.

I'm still the same weight, I'm still wearing big, baggy jeans, but.

I look beautiful because I'm exuding joy.

It's a big difference.

Yeah.

It actually manifests physically on your outward body.

Yes, And it's good to remember that if we're going to be down in the dumps, like you can, you can easily walk around miserable. In this day and age, there's a lot of asinine shit going on in the world. It's so easy to get upset, and it's so easy to be just angry all the time. But that's not a fun way to live.

Who wants to live? And that's what I thought after one of my divorces, I think the second one.

I've been through a couple twos, so there.

I thought, you know what, I don't want to walk around with this anymore. I'm not having fun.

And it's interesting when you finally do. I was able to.

My first marriage, Ed and I were able to come back together and be like, really develop a nice friendship. I wish he could have lived longer. But that sucks and it didn't work out that way. Not that we ever would have been intimate or a couple again, I don't think we would have.

But I loved him. He was a really great guy. Yeah, he was the best guy.

I knew your love story when I was you know, my sister was more in the same age bracket as you, so I kind of saw her through your love story with Ed because she had a boyfriend that was a little bit like rough around the age you have tattoos and stuff. I was like, oh, man, that's the kind of love I want that like and just abandon yeah, just like free to just I.

Think I had to do with our age, right.

We grew it, definitely got you know, but I'm glad we came back to where we were and we had we had a beautiful son through it.

So that's the work though, I mean, yeah, yeah.

And my second marriage, it's been over for I don't know, four or five six years, I don't know, it feels like a long time. I used to be so angry. I'm just not anymore because I realized, oh, I loved him, I actually did love for him.

Because someone just asked me this yesterday, like, how do you how did you just let go of that anger or you know or you know it kind of just happens and that you know, that fear and that anger, like it just and I said to her, it's weird. It's like a switch. Yeah, like you don't think you can do it?

Yeah.

I thought I'd be angry at him forever. I'm so angry, and now I'm like, he's just a human being trying to do the best you can too. Yeah, you know, he made mistake. I made mistakes. I'm just like, but at some point we both loved each other. So I'm just gonna hold onto that because that was nice and I think it was important for me to let it go for like I was angry at ed for a year or two because I wanted him to choose us and not.

The drugs and the alcohol.

I know so much better now, I know so much more about addiction. That was an awful thing to ask him to do, to give up something I mean, he was that was a really important tool for his trauma that he couldn't process. I would be much more compassionate now, but I took it personally and I wanted him to want his family more. He had all the love in the world for both of us, but he was trapped in trauma and I so I was angry for a little while, and then we came to a place where

Like, how did that become that relationship that coming back to that relationship in a different way, more mature way, a different perspective. How did that happen?

It happened around the same time that Wolfe started working with his dad, because I had to spend more time with Ed, and I was adamant because Wolfe was only sixteen. I was adamant about there being a tutor. I was going to be out every couple of weeks. I'm going to be out on the road. And he's like, yeah, that's fine. So we got to talk more and we got to know know each other more in this new relationship that we have, and it was great, and he was sober for a lot of it.

When he wasn't, it was difficult.

Do you think that that had a big impact on Wolfe like seeing his parents Oh yeah together, Oh yeah, functioning.

Would I mean, that's a question for wolf But I think Wolfe appreciated that his parents got along for sure, because I've seen the I've seen kids where their parents don't get along, and it's really hard on the kids. And I think the most important thing you can do in loving your children is love them more than you hate your ex. And if you can learn how not to hate your ex, it's really helpful for your kids.

Yeah, what works for you or me? It doesn't, No, No, it's just I think. But sharing our stories as you do so vulnerably vulnerably in your book, Thank you, it's moving and when something moves you, it alters something inside of you, Like you see things differently.

Yeah, yeah, And I think seeing things differently is a gift because then like if we only looked at things through our like little I used to have blinders on all the time, You're not going to see much.

You're not going to open yourself up to the world.

Right, There's so many different experiences, and people are having different experiences all the time, and I'm always so curious about what motivates them and why they're going through this experience, what the choices they made, and why they made them. Not because they're wrong or right, but because I think it's interesting and I want to know how they got to.

Their you know, through their journey.

You're curious.

I'm so curious.

Yeah, because you learn from.

Other people's all the time.

Yeah, And which is why I write the books, is because I think as I grow and change and grow up and learn new skills, I think it's helpful to pass those along.

You definitely do in your book. I really enjoyed reading. I enjoyed getting to know you. I felt so like I, you know, very intimately knew you kind of from inside your brain, which I.

Really kind of like it. Yeah, oh, thanks, thank you.

I like it in your brain.

Thank you.

I finally do too. For a long time I didn't, No, I can.

Relate yea, yes, yes, okay, let's talk about your kitchen and your new show, your new digital platform. Hello, that's a very fun title. Yeah, valeriees Place, Uh huh where you are cooking live streaming?

Yes, I'm going to live stream cooking. Okay, cook The website is up. It's Valoresplace dot com. You can go and sign up.

And I have three cooking shows plus a live show. I also have a book group that I want to start on the site, and I have a podcast that I had told you about.

Before we started getting naked, and that's going.

To be great. Yeah, lots of stuff. If you don't like me, you're not going to like this.

Se don't go on the platform.

People go on somebody else, go on someone that you do like.

Right, Wait, but how did that? How did you come to this decision to do this? Just take the bowl by the horns and do what you wanted.

These guys if Visible Things came to me, okay, and they said, we do this, we know how to do this, and we think you're a perfect candidate to do this with. And I just lost my Food Network show. So this was a couple of years ago that they came to me. It's taken this long to build it out, And they said, what do you want to do on it? So I told them all of my interests. I said, I'm a book club.

I love it.

I you know, I love to cook. I miss my cooking show, and I love talking to people. So I might want to do a podcast. I don't want to do a talk show because it's I see the way Drew works and it's hard.

Hard.

This is hard in its own but it's fun, like you really get to know people. And I think the the rush of doing talk shows and doing a bunch of different things is I don't.

Know that I could handle it.

My a lot of moving parts.

It's a lot of moving parts. But there's really good people that do that, and Drew's one of the best of it.

Yes, that is so they don't need me.

So people can just go on and click and watch you.

They want to any cooking show they want to watch. It's it is monetized because these things cost money.

Like I have to pay for the crew. I have to pay, you know, for everything. I have to pay for all of it. Everything.

I am using my house, so you actually get a tour of my house, go into my library. All my animals are there all the time. We actually have we do have a place. I'm weighing whether or not I'm going to set up. My son thinks I set up should set up a pet cam in the cadio because the cats are pretty funny the cadio.

I do have a cadio.

Yes, it's all windows and it's just for them and you can go out there. They can go out there. I have three different bird feeders, I have a bird bath, I have everything for them.

Plus I have bird TV.

Lucky Cat.

Yeah, yeah, I want to be my cat.

Yeah. Isn't it great when your kid brings you ideas?

Yes?

Yeah, because they're right.

He's always My son's always right. Yeah, yeah, he'll he'll bring something up.

That they're always right.

At a point, how old are your kids?

Nineteen twenty three and twenty eight?

Okay, yeah, we'll feel be thirty five.

Okay.

So he's got a few so he's like his belt, yeah yeah, so he can be on it. And he's got three albums under his belt, and he's really he's really built his own business and his own you know world for himself, his own touring business, own band and yeah, so I kind of I trust his instincts. He's got his own show on Sirius FM. So XM serious, XM.

Go well if you go yeah, yeah, I know I can tell how proud you are.

I know, I just like, as my boy.

What do you think about letting people into your home though it's your kitchen. It's such an intimate it is.

And we didn't do it for Food Network because they told me that we wouldn't be able to because the crew, the crew was so you know, and we did.

They took up a lot of space.

But this is such an intimate small show as well that we only need two cameramen. Sometimes we have a third with a with a phone and the sound is miked. And we do need the outdoor kitchen in my in my garage, and I take everybody, you know, behind the scenes, because I think we're all think these shows just happen magically.

Right.

There's also a lot it's unattainable for the normal price.

And right, but it's because I have a kitchen in my like, they just delivered the kitchen because I'm gonna start cooking in on Thursday and Friday. They just delivered a kitchen, so they're building that in my garage, and then my sous chef will come in and he'll start chopping away and doing everything. My producer, my culinary producer, has started writing all of the scripts and taking the recipes for what we're going to be shooting. So it's it's a lot of work, but we want to make it look easy.

Because cooking is easy.

Cooking is fun, and it should really feel like you're just like stretching and playing with your artistic muscle. Y, it's another way of.

Being our chefe.

Yes, but I don't when I'm home alone when so when I do my meals for one, that's just me doing it on my own.

I like the meals for one, Yeah, these are good meals.

Yes, I mean too girl dinner every night.

I want to ask you about this because you talk about getting naked in your book. I mean it's called getting naked, and it's for reasons far beyond actually taking your clothes off. But you actually did, in fact take your clothes off at one point, yes, in order to get where you are right now, right? Yes, the skinny dipping or the cover well, the skinny dipping.

Okay, Well, because I'm like I got cameras up all over my house because I just you know, it's it's it's in an area that we have to be careful. So it was it was like, I don't know, it was a beautiful part of night. It was the gorgeous outside, and I'm home alone with my animals, and I'm thinking nobody would see me if I just dove in, nobody would see me.

He doesn't have that thought, I know. Okay, good, yeah, I thought it was crazy.

Okay, good, Like I'm let's walk around naked.

Yeah.

Oh like sometimes I'll run downstairs naked because sometimes I don't sleep in a T shirt.

Sometimes it's not.

Sometimes I'm not, And I'll run downstairs because I hear one of the cats and I'm like, I hope the house is a cash fryer.

Right now, you know, because I just this. I'm okay with this.

I'm okay with the cats and the dogs seeing me, but nothing else. But it feels so good to get naked and not care, not care. I could just feel so good. So you recommend it to anybody.

You jumped in the pool, jumped in the pool, took a couple laps.

Did you forget about the video cameras.

Yeah, yeah, but you know, whoever is watching, I hope they had.

A nice show.

No one's supposed to be watching.

No, no one's supposed to be keeping an eye on the you know, security cameras.

But what are you gonna do?

Who knows?

Who knows?

Do you think it's ever too late to start doing the hard work now choosing yourself?

Never?

I am going to be sixty six years old, and I really feel like, Okay, started work ten maybe more.

I think I've always.

Been working, but I think I really started once I admitted what happened as a child and was able to dig into it. I think that's where the real work started. And I I think I've really been able to come to maybe even an apex of it where it feels like I finally really learned something. I finally really like myself without feeling cringe about saying that, because I would say, no, I like myself.

I do.

I love myself, you know, and I just didn't feel it. But I really like me, and I'm allowed to like me.

It doesn't mean that I'm egotistical, but we all have an ego, and that ego can be healthy. But I would want everyone to have that gift of finally really liking themselves, because everybody is really lovable all.

On their own.

It doesn't matter what you've done, It doesn't matter like the mistakes that you've made.

It we're all lovable because we're we're here for a purpose. We're here to love, we're here to learn, and we're here to have a community. So how can you not love yourself? Yeah, well I know a lot of people don't because I did.

Yeah, yeah, you've been there. Yeah, Okay, before I let you go, Valerie Burtonellie, what was your last I choose.

Me moment when I chose myself over a relationship because I knew that was the right choice. When I chose my emotional health over continuing something that I knew wasn't.

Okay, that's a very brave choice.

It is because I think as a people pleaser, I think you may be one too, may have had that in your past. And I tried to please for so long that I finally and this actually happened with multiple relationships, and I think I just got to a point where I was able to choose myself sooner and faster, not let as many years go by and.

I think we just have to get to a certain point where we say this isn't healthy for me and be okay with that.

Yes, be brave enough.

Yeah, be brave enough, step outside, be kind about it. But you still. I would really.

Want anybody to choose themselves over anything that's hurting them always, And I'm so used to feeling the like you get used to the pain because you think that's I mean, that's what I'm used to.

It's comfortable.

It's comfortable, which sounds odd on its face, but you do get comfortable, especially when you've been doing it for decades. It's like, well, I'm just uncomfortable. This hurts me, but they'll feel better and that's not healthy.

That's no way to live. No, no, So that Yeah.

I chose me, and I would encourage anybody else to choose themselves.

Thank you, Valerie, thank you, Jenny, you guys. I'm very excited to share that my book I Choose Me Chasing Joy, Finding Purpose and Embracing Reinvention is coming April fourteenth, and it would mean the world to me if you would pre order a copy or the audiobook wherever you get your books. And yes, I am definitely narrating the audiobook, so it's going to be so fun.