Bonus content with Julie Benz

You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garland. Hey, everyone, welcome back to I Choose Me. We are going to jump back into my conversation with Julie Ben's. We ended up connecting on something that so many people face, whether or not to have children and what happens if things don't go as planned. I love sitting down with people and finding the parallels in our lives. Because my husband Dave, and I tried to have kids as well. It didn't work. Yeah, I did the IVF yep. Did you try IVF?

Yes?

And how long did you try it? Because I was like, I didn't do it for very long because I couldn't handle it.

We did a handful of rounds. I mean when we got married, I was forty, So when I got divorced at thirty four, I knew possibly I was walking away from my fertility. But I had tried in my late twenties to get pregnant with my ex husband and it didn't happen then, so I kind of knew that. I started accepting the fact that it might not happen for me. And I remember, like my both my obg y N and my therapist at the time they wanted me to freeze eggs, and they also wanted me to freeze embryos.

I'm not.

Just being a mom on my own. Just wasn't it just wasn't something I wanted to do alone.

So I took that risk.

And then once we got married, we started trying, and we did a handful of rounds and we made a couple embryos, and then we did the genetic testing and they all came back back and basically I remember the doctor called and was like, you know, you probably all always had old eggs.

Yeah.

I love this conversation.

Right, And I remember this so vividly.

I I was really I was crying, and I went and I was living in West Hollywood at the time, and I went and walked my dogs and I got paparazzied walking my dogs, and I'm bowling, but I start smiling because it's you know, I don't want the paparazzi to catch me crying. And I'm like smiling and waving, and then like, I remember that photo ran in some tabloids saying, you know, you know Dexter star Julie Ben's outwalking her dogs.

Doesn't she look great?

And I was like, he only knew what I was going through in that moment. But you know, for me, we explored other options. And then by that point, I mean, I was forty four and I really did some soul searching and was like, first of all, I always thought I'd be the hot young mom.

In second, I don't want to be sixty with a teenager.

Yeah.

So you think if Rich my husband and I, if we were in our thirties, we would have explored other options, egg donor Saragi, adoption, all of that.

But I think I had.

To be really real about where I was in my life and say, like, I mean, having a baby is great, but they turn into teenagers eventually, and I don't know if that's sixty that's for me. I don't know if i'd be a good mom at sixty. I'm gonna be tired. Yeah, so how old is your husband?

He's a year younger, that year younger.

And you said he was never married before, so he didn't have kids, no coming in Okay.

He's an identical twin and he has two nephews. And then he has another brother that has a niece and a nephew and we're very close to them. And then my best friend has four kids that were the godparents of so we have a lot of children in our life, right, So we decided to pivot then and just be like, let's be let's be the best aunt and uncle and let's do that.

I love that though. It's admirable that you sat down and really waited out, because it sounds like like naturally you wanted to be a mom. You're one of the people that was like, yeah, sure, I'm going to have a family, I'm gonna be a mom someday. And then as your life rolls out, for one reason or another it doesn't go as you thought it would. Yeah, and you know, just hearing you say that, you know that

Yeah.

It was so surprising, was the photo. Like you could see like tears coming down my face, but nobody ever said anything.

I was like, you're a good actress, fake it till you're feel it.

I mean, but a lot of women, you know, struggle with the same thing, and that decision to change gears can leave them feeling somehow empty, somehow unuseful, or some way of like feeling bad about themselves.

It was I mean, I would say for the first year after, it was really tough. And I didn't share it publicly because I'm just not that like, I just

Are you so mean about it?

And I'm like, because I don't want to have the conversation, Like I don't want to have to have the conversation with people that I don't know very well, and it's the only way I know how to shut them up.

Really, it was just me like I can't have kids, and they'd be.

Like, oh, yeah, next subject, let's talk about something else. Huh. So yeah, I know. For me, I had was blessed with my three daughters in my first marriage or second marriage. Sorry, now let's get technical. And then with Dave, I felt like I really wanted to have a child for him and I felt like he was such a great dad, and we tried and tried, and then it didn't work, and I had that period of time where I was like,

It was the There was definitely a lot of grief and a lot of mourning. And then I made a very superficial deal with myself, very vain, superficial deal. Tell me, I said, well, if I'm not going to have kids, then I'm going to be the sixty year old with washboard.

Apps and Hi, I've seen your apps.

And that's when I really I started working out a lot because I was like, all right, I can't have kids, then I'm going to have a killer body. And sometimes you just have to make whatever that superficial deal is with yourself, and god, it just sounds I mean, it sounds terrible.

But it helped me. It doesn't sound terrible.

It helped me focus on something else and it helped. And it also helped that my best friend had four kids and that's a lot of kids.

Yeah, so you were like, maybe this is such a this is a good thing.

Outa Yeah, like I can help you.

Out, Yeah, and you have this freedom and this like sort of care free ability with your husband. Yeah, you know, there's some things. Once I settled into the fact, I was like, we're going to just have so much fun together and it's not gonna because it does. The kids bring stress in and there's so much responsibility and it's just so layered when you have a family and you're young, you're raising them.

I also don't know how anyone survived the pandemic with kids at home.

I really don't.

I mean, it was tough just the two of us that I couldn't even imagine having children and navigating it.

So, you know, I was a little relief.

I mean, yeah, luckily mine we're a little older. But I did sit and think, ooh, how is this screwing them up socially and you know with their development? Yeah, it was doing a number on everybody. So I love that your relationship is thriving, Thank you, and everybody would want to know the secret to that success. And it sounds like it's kind of you guys allowing each other to be independent. Yeah.

I think it's just we allow each other to be who we are, right, you know what I mean, and we support each other through it.

Yeah, I love each other.

And we I mean, we did do therapy early on to help with our communication, and I had to learn that there's a tone in my voice that if I hit it, he can't hear me right, and it's more

Just to let you know that he's really understanding when you're hearing me. So that is an interesting hack. Yeah, for those of us that struggle with communications, confrontation, and marriages, that's a great idea.

Yeah, it works really well. I might try it, especially the post it notes. That always makes him laugh when he sees like a bunch of posts and.

He's like, oh, you.

Need something better than the text message.

You know what. They don't like those, they don't like those text messages. I want to talk a little bit about your work, because I was a huge fan. As I mentioned of Dexter, your character Rita, thank you, you were so good. Thank you and you did more makeup right or you were very.

Season one no makeup at all? Right, it was amazing. I remember it was freeing.

Yeah, look at this beautiful natural woman.

It was no hair, no makeup, and it was like, for the first time I got to experience what it was like to be a guy on set.

Yeah, like my call time was rehearsal.

Oh no more two hours earlier.

It was amazing. Yeah, I loved it.

Season one, Rita was my favorite and the I just loved her so much. And of course then she had to grow and change, and then they had to have hair and makeup calls and.

Oh man, well that subject matter was dense, tough, heavy, yeah, really scary and just like your character alone had her all her own stuff. Yes, but then she's married to a serial killer, which she never knew, she never knew, so that did you ever? You know, we are all part of the characters we play, I think as actress as it comes from somewhere inside of us. And did you ever take her home? Did you ever have trouble leaving work and keeping work at work? That was kind of energy.

Yeah.

So when I was playing Rita, I you know, during the months we would film, I was definitely more emotional in life, Like I would be crying over like a coffee commercial or something like that.

Things would hit me more deeply than normal. But I think.

So season one, I was still married to my ex husband and that's when I was making the decision to get divorced. And so I think in a weird way, Rita helped me.

Yeah, you know what way do you think?

First of all, having a bit of job security stability. Second, I think she was so damaged and beaten down that and you know, my ex husband was not abusive at all, like that is not But I really could relate to her. Feeling that that apology after every sentence they like I'm I'm sorry, you know that I don't know. That really resonated with me, and I was like, I don't, I don't.

I can see how she would motivate that because what she endured, you know. The character was so strong, yeah, but so weak at the same time, so vulnerable and or like a raw nerve. So it makes perfect sense how you would go home feeling like you could cry at any commercial. It makes such sense. But that's a really must have been a really interesting time in your life.

It was, and I really loved playing her, like I really and I loved working with Michael. Just being on the show was It was amazing because coming off of the WB for Buffy and Angel, which even though we were doing incredible work over there, most of Hollywood wasn't really looking at it or recognizing right it was considered a teen show. So I felt like Rita was my time to finally be a woman, yeah, and be a grown.

Up and work on good material, yeah, like really good writing.

And I thought it was so funny because I remember during season one, everybody was I was getting applauded for going on camera with no makeup on, and I was like, I mean, I run around my house like this, like.

It isn't this a very old deal.

I'm not a completely wipe.

I was like, it's not that big of a deal.

I mean, but people like everyone's like it's so amazing, And I was like, so amazing because I don't have to go in two hours earlier.

I know, they killed Rita very upsetting. What season was it four? Season four and four and you said that you wished you had advocated for her more, Yes, what would you have said?

So my opinion is season one and two I had very strong story arcs, and then one of our writers left and he was the one who really captured the voice of Dexter and Rita. And then in season three and especially in season four, I mean, I just the storyline was just not there. But that's the nature of episodic television. Like some years you have a great storyline and then some years you have to take a backseat while other actors get.

Their great storyline.

And I just wish I had advocated more for her. I wish I had stood up more and you know, challenge them to come up with more creative things to do with her rather than just accept, well, this is the nature of the beast. And I had a great season one. In season two, there were other actors on the show who didn't like their season one in season two who all of a sudden now were being elevated during season three, so.

It was like, you know what I mean?

So I was like, but maybe I should have challenged the writers more and said, hey, guys, this is kind of silly, like can I do something like can we come up with something a little more interesting?

So did you not feel like it was your place to do that or did you not feel comfortable?

I didn't want to be difficult.

You didn't want to be difficult.

Meanwhile, I watched other actors during season one and season two do the same thing, like speak up, advocate for their characters, and they weren't deemed difficult, but I just was. I just didn't want to be difficult.

Where do you think that comes from?

Oh? I mean obviously being the youngest child in the family, I think, and just being the good girl.

You know.

Yeah, I've learned since then that there's a way of doing it. I mean I watched when I worked on

Would be confrontational.

So yeah, I've seen it all different ways in my career, but you're absolutely right. It's just better when you are calm and you know what you're talking about, you know, and it makes sense. It makes sense, and it's a collaboration. It's not like you suck.

Yeah.

I mean I've shown up in all different ways since I told the writers off a few times in my past. But now it's just so much easier to work together, right and hopefully you have that team right.

And I wish I had had that experience before Dexter. Yeah, you know, because I'm Buffy and Angel. The writing was incredible and we just said the words right like there wasn't especially my character was amazing, Like I never I never had a moment that felt false as the carecharacter, so you didn't have to say yeah, so I didn't really know how.

Yeah that's and so moving forward in your career, have you sort of been able to utilize that in your current work, your recent work? Yeah.

I mean when I was on Defiance, I remember season one, my character was the hero of the piece, she was the mayor, she was the hero she was, and I really wanted them to you know, I really kept asking like what's her achilles heel? Like what is it? What's her deep dark secret? And they're like, but you're the hero.

Don't bring me coffee, Bring me scotch.

And I created an alcohol problem for wasn't written and in season two they leaned into it, but it was me going, I want to give her something. I want to give her, Like what does she do at night? Yeah, when the world is falling apart and it's all on her shoulders to make the decisions.

Yeah, because being a hero is hard.

It's hard. So she drank.

That's genius though. You made your own storyline. Yeah, with one simple prop change. Yeah, I love that. I just want to ask you about maybe some advice for women our age, you know, who are are dealing with the same things that we're dealing with and the life changes and all the things. Yeah, what is what is the piece of advice that you could pass down, pass on some sort of you know, I believe in you message that you're so good at giving.

Well, I believe in you. I think there's a couple things. First, protect your bone density.

First and foremost.

By jumping.

You can do it by jumping, you can do it by walking with a weighted vest. Ye. Do everything you can to protect your bone density, because that's the most

Yeah, you don't really realize it's how important that is until you do it. Yeah, and then you feel this sense of like, why haven't I done this sooner?

Yeah?

And there's all types of like breath work apps. There's I like to do box breathing, me too, really into the box breathing.

What's your count? Wow?

You know I'm good at four.

I try to do seven and then I feel like I'm gonna die.

So do you do four?

In hold for four and then out for four, out for four and hold for four and then in for four.

Yeah.

I try to push it to seven, but that holding it for seven is like, wait, there's.

Something so magical about If you know what box breathing is, you're gonna enjoy this. If you don't, you're what are you talking about? But I breathe in for four, hold for four, and then breathe out for eight, and there's something so magical in that last four count of that eight out breath.

I'm going to try that.

You go into another space and time. I'm gonna try that, and it feels scary at first, but it's like it's like a drug almost.

Yeah.

So all here for the box breathing.

Yeah.

I just think it's so important that you you check in with yourself yep.

And that's great advice.

And if that means you're gonna cry, then cry let it out, let it out, let it out.

I'm big on that. Feel your feelings, feel your feelings.

Yep. That's such great advice, great advice.

Thank you.

I love getting to know you. Thank you.

I'll make you dinner, okay,