Donna D 12/27/25

Long, there's a sense of outsourcing your security and outsourcing your safety. And I have a twin sister, and I found myself even doing that with her and my ex husband.

And when you see that.

This outsourcing of safety that you're given, you really don't you miss a part of yourself that is that strong, stable grounded person when you outsource your safety. Can you talk about that a little bit.

Yeah, outsourcing your safety. So secure base is the word that I use. The phrase I use so your secure base needs to be yourself. You should be your secure base. And what happens is that we when we fall in love, when we develop an attachment with someone else, we transfer that secure base to them to where they become our

Defensiveness, contempt yep, and stonewalling, stone walling yep.

Okay, over the years, you can start that that can become an insecure base for you. And then you're you have a problem because not only are you not your secure base, your secure base that you established with your partner. That's no longer your secure base either. So you find yourself lost, You find yourself seeking an identity, seeking to be numbed. That's where a lot of addictions can come from. A lot of people can numb themselves out with a number of things.

But don't use like So, when I started seeing that I was doing that, Yeah, there's a level of freedom, There's a level of gratitude. There's a level of for me taking respons fonsibility because.

I didn't know I was doing this.

And when I started understanding that, hey this, I don't feel good. I mean, I don't feel good, and I need to really look at my role in this. Forget about who I'm speaking about, right, forget about the X, and forget about all that. I need to figure out why I am feeling this way, because nobody can make me feel a certain way if I don't want to. That's true, And so the power comes back to me because I can do anything I want with that I can I can learn what I need to do on

Five absolutely the toughest thing I've been through. I've heard people say that it's it's worse than grieving a death, because when you grieve a death, there is an element of closure, whereas in a marriage. When you're grieving a marriage, the partner, especially if you have kids, which I do share a daughter with my ex wife, their closure is difficult to come by. It's very difficult to come by because you still have to interact with them. So, yeah,

I tried to correct it.

That's interesting because as you move towards being a therapist and helping other couples, you're seeing this, Hey, this isn't going so great on my end.

Sure, yeah, yeah, and so but you know, it was a situation where I, you know, you can't really be you can't be your own therapist. I couldn't be my own therapist. I couldn't be my ex wife's therapist. So we had to go to you know, we had to I wanted to, yeah, to go to therapy, and.

She didn't really like it. My ex wife didn't really like that.

So it's it takes too It takes to to fix it takes to to break.

It takes you to fix it.

Yeah, but I mean, I'm you know, but I have you know, as I've told you before, she gets flowers on Mother's Day. I got her a nice Christmas gift. I mean, she's the mother of my child and I respect her and I will always love her and care for her. And it's was really difficult to let her go it really was.

Yeah, of course.

I mean it's not easy to let anybody go, and even if it's no longer working, right, you still want to hang on.

What is that?

What is it about us that you know because you get signs got You just said you were seeing signs all over the place. You wanted to go to therapy with her. It wasn't working. You were not getting along. You were arguing a lot. Instead, when you're arguing more than you are getting along, that's a problem. So what is it about all of us that makes us cling to something that is not working for us anymore?

I believe it's the familiarity we've become familiar with the people that are around us, the people that we're in relationships with, the scripts, the relationship scripts. Think about it. I mean, we have our routines. Every day we wake up, we do it the same thing, and we usually interact with the same people. It's good, Donna. I respect you. You are awesome about finding new people in interact with Hi.

Hi.

On the other hand, I am a social recluse, so yes, so for me.

But you're a book worm.

In your books, you're reading, you're trying to better yourself all the time.

So for me, it was like I would stay in an unhealthy relationship even though I knew I needed to take the courage to get out of it.

You think most men are because more women leave, This is a fact. We both talked about this, and more women leave or solicit the divorce than men do. Men can stay unhappy for years and years, where women are like, you're not paying attention to me, why are you even with me?

Why do you care?

What?

But why are we together if you don't even want to work on this or don't want to you know, come in and hug me and kiss me and give me attention and adore me, which is what women really want out of a relationship.

Yeah, you know, I think from men are fixers. We want to fix it, So we come about it from a cognitive like it's a project we got to fix. And women usually are wanting more of that emotional connection, right, that emotional and so I think we just miss each other. I remember my ex wife talking about how she wanted affection, whereas for me, I was like, well, we need to fix some things before we can get to that point of affection. Yeah, so we just missed each other. We're

Let's let's open the phones up. What was twenty twenty five like for you? Was it a tough year?

Is there?

Is there something that you have shed in twenty twenty five, because let me just tell you, it's not just about oh man, this was a tough year. Twenty twenty six is gonna be an amazing year. Twenty twenty six is the year of the horse. These are the relationships that are going to be working. These are the friendships that that are are if they're going good, they're going to go great in twenty six twenty six. That your jobs are going to be more productive and more interesting and

I mean?

Because we talked about women, are the ones that solicit leaving a relationship because they're not happy men. And I've seen this with some friends that they knew. Some guy friends of mine knew that they should never have even started a relationship with this person, never even started it, and two years later they've wasted two years of their life and they're super upset. Why is it that men will take so much? I don't know what you would

WK.

Are you on the line, Okay, awesome, Yes, I'm just asking doctor Wes.

Why is it.

That that men don't leave a relationship. It takes the woman oftentimes to get out of a relationship that they know is not working.

And maybe your perspective is very.

Different, right, Well, we started out we were very different. My parents weren't for it, and we one was had one family had considerably more money than the other. Not rich, but wealthy are comfortable. But we since we were so different, we took three years and to make sure we really knew each other. And even while we were dating. We used to start our dates by going to church, and we did that quite often. That was a big part.

But how long were you together? WKA, how long were you together?

Fifty five years? Wo We dated for three years before we got married. Then she just died in our fifty fifth year of marriage. And it's been the toughest thing I've gone through since she died. But I'm doing it, staying active and communicative and reading positive books to do it.

That's what you had to do.

Well. That's a couple of things I also did was motivational speakers. We went to see them a lot on attitude. And though she didn't have much education, she took two courses at the university. One was a business degree excuse me, a business course and the other was an English course. So though she wasn't totally educated, she worked out very well at a large CPA for them up here. And

So first of all, I'm so sorry that you were going through this part of life and we all have to go through it. That does not make it easy at all. I'm so sorry to hear. But it sounds like you've had her for an amazing amount of time and that you guys were happy together, and that's that that is meaningful.

We even had people ask uf you when ask her sometimes at the office, how long you in fifty five years? Just how would you stay with somebody for fifty five years, why would you stay? Yeah, and just almost laughable statements from other people.

Yeah, they don't know, they don't know what they don't know what you had. That's that's what we're talking That is exactly what we're why we're talking about this subject. And I also loved and we're going to talk about this in a minute. We're going to take a break.

W K.

Thank you so much for calling in with that, with that great comment.

I loved it.

And happy new year to you and hope all as well coming up in your future.

Thank you.

So what I loved is that he went out and he sought out positive motivational speakers, because what you say to yourself is so important. And we're going to talk about that because twenty twenty six, as I feel and I know and as we talk about, is going to be an amazing year for all of us. I think we're going to find relationships that we've never had before, including with the loves of our life, which is ourselves, the relationship that we have with ourselves.

So when we get back, we are going to talk about that.

What did you think about his comment about starting the dating at church.

I thought that was interesting.

Yeah, and that's actually a very strong way to meet church groups. Spirituality and faith is an important part a good way that people can get direction. And I definitely thought that was really great, really commendable.

Yeah, it was interesting.

And and how that they never want, you know, everyone says, don't ever go to bed mad.

Right, that's kind of a big deal.

I mean, if you have this love and this care for each other, you don't want your partner to go to bed mad. You don't want them to be upset. No, right, And so so you know, having this I don't care, we kind of attitude of go ahead, go be mad, go do go, do your own thing kind of is like turning your back. It's a sign of a stone walling, almost, isn't it It is?

Yeah, it's turning away instead of turning towards each other, right, which doctor Godman talks about. I love doctor Godman. You'll hear me talk about him a lot, but turning away from each other rather than turning towards And he talks a lot about the five to one ratio, five positive interactions to one negative interaction, and that's what you have to have to maintain a healthy relationship.

All right, Well, when we come back, we're going to talk more about twenty twenty six and what you can do to make it.

The best possible year.

And have you shed anything in twenty twenty five, five, one, three, seven, four, nine, seven thousand. Brady Hopkins is up next with the news, so we'll be taking your calls.

Confidence. You have courage, You're willing to face the pain. You're willing to lean into the pain. That's what a lot of psychologists will talk about when people say how do I get through this? You lean into the pain. Your brain says, run away from it.

Yes.

Creativity, so you're flexible, you're adaptive, and you're connected. You have a sense of connection to others' life and meaning. So that comes out of it comes out of It's called internal family systems. If you're wanting to research it more. Self Leadership dot org is the website. But that's what I work with my clients on, helping them to get in touch with who they are so that they can start to be self led.

Well, it's I love that courage is in there, because without that, everything else falls apart. Because those moments when you're scared and you feel alone and you don't have don't think anybody likes you and you don't.

Nobody cares about you.

It's those are the shadows, the scary part where you're like, oh god, I can't even think of this. I'm not saying that you should just continue those thoughts. I don't think you should continue the thoughts, but the feelings that you get, that's where you need to go. And you have to say I'm here, I got you, I'm your I got your back. Yep, I'm not leaving you. I am I am going.

To take care of you, so don't worry about it.

Yep.

That's having your back.

Yeah, it's.

Sue Johnson is as a relationship therapist who recently passed away, but she's she found it an emotional focused therapy model, and she says, real love is the quiet confidence that when I reach for you, you will be there.

Wow.

And I reach for you, you will be there. So we need to apply that to ourselves too.

Yes, because we are the greatest love of our lives.

We are.

So when you when I feel like I'm hurt or I'm sad, instead of reaching for the phone to pick up someone, and that's there's nothing wrong with that because we all need our partners. But let's have me try and do it first.

It's like on the airplane they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first, Yes, before helping someone next to you.

Yes, all right?

Five, one, three, seven, eight hundred, the big one. What kind of a year was twenty twenty five for you? Was it hard for you? I mean, Wes and I have both shared that it's been a challenging year through both breakups and heartbreak and things like that that we've had to face and face within ourselves to get stronger through that.

Stu, that's not easy, and it's.

Still going on.

It's a lifelove process.

It's a day.

Well, that's what we're talking.

Get it back to process.

Give us a call.

What did you shed in twenty twenty five or what are you looking for in twenty twenty six? I went out to lunch with a friend of mine and he said, because we talked about this, and I said that the actually the horse in twenty twenty six does not come in until February, So February in twenty twenty six is really where it starts getting good.

And I said, what did you shed?

And he said his job, And he said he didn't feel appreciated. It was kind of chaotic there. You couldn't figure out who was running things, and it drove him absolutely nuts. And he's already taken the steps to speak to a friend. He's in it, speak to a friend, and they're both going to try and start their own company in twenty twenty six. That's what's kind of happening. After we get through one of the hardest years, it's

Yeah, I've been sober living for the last like two years, okay, and living in a house in Norwood. I don't want to mention the name.

Yeah, that's okay, that's all right.

Sixty three and I was born a eighty and so I met this woman, you know, and it's been kind of cool, you know.

But it's like it seems like the.

Women these days they don't want it's like they're afraid to get into any type of relationship if it has to do with you know, money or whatever it is, because I don't understand how they can. It's just I don't know. It's very hard to date when you're sixty three.

Yeah, I mean listen, especially if you've been out of the game for a little bit sixty three, But that doesn't mean you're out of the game totally.

Steve Wes, do you have a question for Steve?

Yeah?

So, so, Steve, you're talking to me a little bit more about So this this person that you're interested in. What did you notice that she was pulling away from you when you are trying to pursue her.

Is that what you noticed?

Or now it seems like when you because I've been in sober living, I've been sober three year and going to A meetings and everything, and it seems you know, you get you know, you get you get close to these not these women. I don't have too many women, just this particular women that and it's it's like they are afraid that that you're going to be a failure and they're going to go back into what they were into.

Do you feel like you're ready to date someone see Do you feel like you're good and you're good with all your you know, being so and you feel like you've got your life under control that you could be with somebody.

Yeah, Because I'm on disability and I work part time and I have money, I just I bought it. I have a nice vehicle. I bought a minivan for the sole purpose of taking people to AA meetings and meeting people that you know have the same issues but are trying to It just seems like I don't know that women are just I don't know. It's a lot different than it was back in the you know, I grew up in the seventies and eighties, and it's just like it's hard to crack that shell to find out what's

It's yeah, yeah, no, no, no.

Women.

Women have changed a lot there, Donna, in the last twenty thirty years. It's a lot different.

Yeah, I'm totally different from who I was when I was twenty six.

I mean so yeah, it I think women, you know, we've all we learn, we all learn hopefully.

And Gary Zukov has said a writer that I love, he wrote a book called see This All. The longest journey we're ever going to take is from our head to our heart. Often times when you get older, there there's a there is a shell that you've been hurt before you don't want to try it again. But the idea of that is painful. I mean, I will always work to stay open hearted because and and be available to somebody that I care and want to have a

Sure, Yeah, I mean people will bring into their relationships parts of them that are I call them managers or firefighters. So those are proactive managers are like these thoughts, I should do this, I shouldn't do that. I have to be careful about this. I have to be careful about that. And then there are firefighters that when they start to get the slightest clue that something is happening in the present moment that happened to them in the past, then.

They check out.

They'll, they'll they'll it's called a firefighter because it's like they're lighting a fire of distraction, and so they will distract themselves. They will, they will check out, they may ghost you. You know, that's a phrase that we hear, right, and so yeah, it's it's a lot of it is just relationship trauma from the past that people have not healed and they're bringing it forward and projecting it onto you. And so yeah, that's that's really a tough place.

And if she's not available to you, Steve, then you know, you just have to let her go on her own way. Uh, you know, if she's if she is you know, not open to you.

Yeah, yeah, I would like to just sit down and watch a Bengals game and just cuddle on the couch. And sometimes that's cool. I mean, and then like you know, like you say, pass things that come up.

Yeah, and life and it scares, Yeah, and it could it could scare.

It could trigger a whole bunch of stuff that comes up for her, especially if she feels feelings for you. But you know, you got to take it day by day and be gentle with yourself and with her.

I think sure, so.

Just asking her, Hey, I just noticed that that that you kind of withdrew from me a little bit, or you got you softened, you got quiet you you know, your body language kind of showed me that you were withdrawing. And I'm wondering what's happening for you right now? That's a good question to ask, just what's happening for you? What's coming up for you right now?

And I'm a musician like Donna, I play acousca guitar. I've been a league guitar player. I like to play some Neil Young and like start playing guitar and stuff. It seems like that's been one thing that I've done in my life that girls like and women like play guitar, you know, start breaking out in some America or some.

You know Stevie Nicks and Neil Young is great to play absolutely, Tom Patty of.

Course, yeah, I come from all that old rock and roll.

Of course me too, Me too.

See listen, I want to congratulate you on three years of sobriety.

That is fantastic. Good for you.

At the very minimum, you're working on yourself and it sounds like you're being a support for your community and all things are going to go right for you from that point on.

Yeah, I bought a minivands I can take people to AA out Street. I go out Street, I go to all the AA meeans and nor would Avandale, downtown everywhere.

Good for you, buddy, I appreciate it. Have a great twenty twenty six. It's going to be a good year for all of us. And thanks for calling in. Yeah, Happy New Year, Happy New Year. You know it was interesting too, because I understand what he means.

Women.

Women can be challenging, especially as you get older and they get hurt and stuff like that. But there is a point where you can connect on a deeper level and start to build trust with someone that has.

Those types of fears. Would you agree with that?

Yeah, I mean it's important to understand that not everyone. If you it's like it's like when you when you start trusting in yourself a little by little, it's earned. And so if Steve can say, hey, we can just sit on the couch. We don't even need to snuggle. We don't need to snuggle. I'll pick up my guitar and play for a little bit. If you want, let's just hang out, that might be something that would build trust for her.

Yes.

Absolutely, you know, little by little, doctor West, not just not just with other people, but with ourselves.

Keep your promises.

We're going to talk about that because twenty twenty six, like I said, is going to be a really big year, the year the Horse. This is the riser of the divine unions made from love instead of fear, the era of post traumatic relationships. I'm reading this and this is what everybody is saying. Post traumatic relationship collapsing. People are

I think we got to go. We're up against the wall.

But when we come back, we're going to break down what real love looks like. Yeah, and also three things to do in twenty twenty six to make that year to the upcoming twenty twenty six one of the best years.

So we're gonna come back.

Take your calls five one, three, seven, four, ninety seven thousand. News and Weather are up next, and it's done a d with Doctor West my buddy on seven hundred WLW Cincinnati.

Eating or even in a long term marriage, that's a healthy that's a healthy thing.

What you just think? Okay, Well, I don't know if you agree with me or not.

I do because I don't want to be I'd rather be strolling. And I talked about this earlier. Do you like being single? This was the question this afternoon and his answer was I do, because here's the thing. I'd rather be by myself than be with somebody basically that doesn't care and is gonna call me and drive me nuts and where am I and all the attachment things that come with you.

Didn't call me.

You didn't, So it's just unhealthy. It's a toxic pattern.

Yes, so all right, we have to go over that one more time. If you ask these three questions, and the three questions are are you are you there for me?

Are you there for me? Do you see me?

Do you see me and respond to me? And do I matter to you?

Okay, those should be pretty easy to answer if you're in a loving relationship.

Uh huh. And I'm not saying that.

If if the answers know that, you throw the towel in, right, but you need to go to a therapist's office as soon as you can.

Yeah, I mean you need to call up doctor West since you're talking, So let's go to the phones in Dayton, Wayne. You're on with Donnade and doctor West. Tell me about your building your relationship.

I agree with most things that you say said, and one thing that makes it easier is to help each other. Find a mentor someone that you admired that you want to copy their style and go back to from time to time. For me, it's a basketball coach Rick Patino a book called Success Life is Success in Life. And I look at this bulletin points in the book when I read it most most days, not every day, but most days, and it helps me and I also helped

She does, and so they can do it. If they can do it, then she can do it right right.

We've gone through a lot of difficulties when bankrupt once. Some died at an early age, and she also recently passed away. But having a mentor to go back to is great. And that book is called Success as a Choice by the way of Rick Patino, and it's written both for coaching a basketball team but also coaching yourself and other people for life.

Oh, sports is a Sports is a great metaphor for almost anything, to be honest, if you you can work as a team with your with your partner, and you can get advice from that. Wayne, Thank you so much much. That's a great call. I appreciate it. Happy New Year, and thanks for calling in appreciate it so I mean, it's I've never actually heard finding a mentor, like a marriage mentor. Yeah, I mean a therapist, I've heard, but

Yeah.

There are some churches too that have marriage mentoring programs. So yeah, there's a lot of resources available if you're if you're looking for like a marriage mentor, I would I would maybe check into that, But or just find somebody that you trust, that you look up to their relationship and ask them questions if they're open to it. Yeah, that's that's really a wise thing to do.

So I loved the questions that you offered.

And if you're even in a relationship that you're like, you know, I've been going back and forth with this guy, right and you know, I just don't feel like he's in it as much as I am. Or maybe we're just in different stages of this relationship. Maybe it's it's it's it doesn't feel like he wants to commit or something. When you ask those three questions, say them again, So.

Are you there for me?

Are you there for me?

Do you see me and respond to me? And do I matter to you? Well, the last one is really important. I think do I matter to you?

I watched an interview because I watch a lot of podcasts and reels and things like that on relationship stuff, because this is what drives me. And he said, the thing that saved his marriage was he came home late and he was rushing around and he, you know, didn't hug his wife. And she said, listen, what kind of a home do you want to come home to? Do you want it to be a loving home? Because if

Questions can do that.

And sometimes, and I'll speak for myself too, when sometimes I already know the answer and don't want to ask the question. How detrimental is that to yourself and to the relationship.

When you know the answer but you don't want to ask the question. That's right, Yeah, well that's where I would That's where I've been for twenty twenty five.

Yeah, you don't want to know because you because you know that there's pain behind it's coming it's right here on the surface. Yeah, you know that the actions, the words, all those things that you know a loving relationship is.

She's not displaying right.

And so if you ask a direct question, she'll probably have a direct answer, and that's not the answer that you want.

And that did happen towards the end of my marriage. I did ask those direct questions and I got a direct answer.

That what's tough to hear, wasn't it. I mean, I know the answer to that.

But I think a lot of people will just say, look, I'm not I'm not going through separation. I'm not going to go through therapy. I'm not going to go and do the work it's going to take. Let's just ride it out. We're in our fifties, we have grown kit Let's just ride it out.

What do you tell a couple that decides to do that.

Well, I usually will tell them that they're not going to have a deep felt sense of a secure attachment, and so it's going to be very surface level. They're going to be it's it's basically it's a transactional relationship, and they're going to end up basically keeping score, and it's it's going to be like a Ledger system, like a balance of whose bank account has you know, it's not going to be healthy, is what I'll tell them, unless they want to design it in a way that

And what does that mean exactly? The transactional relationship.

Just just living together and surviving.

Just basically doing life, doing life without an emotional bond, so roommates people for.

People forget what a true loving relationship is if you've been in it. And I can remember, and I've said this to you and on this on these airwaves.

I've said this many times that my husband and.

I were very happy for fourteen straight years. We were very happy, and now that I'm out of it, I can see how great it was back then. Now we moved in different directions and that happens to all kinds of couples, and we're still friends, and I'm grateful that we did have the good times that we have, But I won't settle for anything less than having two people that care about each other and somebody that loves me

Fighting more than more than loving energy in the house.

So the five to one ratio was out of balance. It's five positives to one negative.

Oh is that what it is?

That's what the that's what the ratio it needs to be according to doctor Gotman's research.

Okay, can you explain that all lot?

Yeah, So five positive interactions That can be a verbal interaction, it can be a nonverbal interaction. It's just you know, you're turning towards each other, you're smiling to each other, you're saying, I love you. Five positives to one negative.

Wow, it was definitely flipped towards the end. And then once we separated, it was all positive. I mean, go figure. I mean, but I mean it was because we knew that what we were doing wasn't working anymore. So we've decided like, all right, yeah, we still lived at next door, we had three dogs together. We you know, we we still had a deep, deep friendship that just the you know, loving relationship of a couple was no longer there.

And that's people will stay together sometimes because of the image of love that they have that they hope that there, or the image that they maybe remembered that they had with this partner. They had they had this type of relationship with this partner. It's no longer there, but they're hoping it'll come back, so they'll stay with it, and it's never going to come back.

Usually, Yeah, once that bond is broken, it's really hard to come back.

And that it can be done.

It can be done.

It can be done it. But but it's hard.

Yeah, once you say, all right, you turned your back on me and I turned my back on you, and all right, we're done, and that's kind of what happened.

And it's always sad. It's so hard to let go.

But if you're if you're courageous and you're brave, and you're looking at it in a real light, and you're both saying, all right, this just doesn't seem like it's working. We've tried, tried, tried, tried, tried, and it just doesn't seem Even if you're in a relationship right now and you're saying it's not working, you can simply say, all right, what we're doing is not working, and we can take a break. It doesn't have to lead to separation, it

You do some of the things on your own.

We can still live in the same house and parent the kids or whatever, if that's what you have, and then figure out what it is that you.

Can look at for yourself and change that.

That's right, You're on the right track there.

Yes, absolutely, Yeah, Well it's I tell couples that they need to when they're arguing. They've got literally it's like a seven or eight percent chance of having a successful relationship. That's just the brain, that's the neuroscience behind it. So they need to be able to go to their separate rooms literally and calm down for thirty minutes.

And that does wonders.

It does you start to stop the insanity of the mind.

That's like, it's you, you, you, you, you, and not me, me me.

It's a primal panic, is what it is. Yeah, it's a panic because it's your attachment figure that you've gotten disconnected from and you want to connect with them so badly, but you can't because you're in the four horses.

Then here's my safety net.

And he doesn't love me anymore and he's being mean to me, and how could he say these things?

And how's he looking at it? I don't get it.

And then you go and you sit by yourself for thirty minutes, and.

You know, maybe some of that was me. I shouldn't have said some of that stuff.

Yeah, you flip your lids what.

It is, literally, flip your your lid.

You flip your lid, you flip the prefrontal cortex in your brain, which helps you main rational, and you go into the part of your brain that's the fight flight or freeze.

Five win, flip your lid five and three nine thousand, one, eight hundred, the big one. If you want to get in the discussion with doctor Wes and myself don a d I want to talk about because we're gonna we've got about two minutes left, two and a half three Three things to make your life happier in twenty twenty six.

Do you agree with those.

One hundred percent that the past is not the past if it's in your present? So yeah, your past has to be the past. Well, And it's what I tell my clients is anxiety. Anxiety lives in the future, right, Depression lives in the past usually so right, So anxiety and depression are cousins to each other. So we got to live in the present moment, bring it back to the center, and stay present.

And I just thought of a fourth one comparison is the thief of joy. Stop comparing your life and those that you see on social media that all look so happy and everybody else or so and so and so good with high site reel, it is so bad, soop of comparison.

Okay.

So neuroscientists when we come back, have been studying the brain and what they're finding out is really important about what you say to yourself and how you can make yourself happy or you can make yourself miserable. We're going to talk about that when we come back. News and Weather up next. It's Donna d Doctor Wes on a Saturday night relationship radio in seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati. Oh yeah, thanks for being of that's done a Dan, doctor Wes.

What would you call that?

So, just off the top of my head, it sounds like a trauma bond.

Okay.

Trauma bond is where there are periods of fear, criticism, neglect, or abuse followed by apologies, affection, promises of safety. Their relief creates the bonding, but there's not safety in the relationship.

Right, And that's like the big key element of you have to have a safe place to land if it's a loving relationship, and if they don't like each other, yeah they should get out of it or what should they do?

Well, they need to just be honest about I think no, she.

Said they can't stand, they can't change each other, but they are addicted to each other, then.

Yeah, I would get into some therapy to break that addiction. That's that is that that's a physiological addiction. So basically it's it's like a drug addiction. It's it's like it's your brain. It's the stress hormones cortisol and the bonding chemicals dopamine and oxytocin. They become linked and so the high arousal can cause you to become addicted and the calm. Actually, what I see with one of my clients is that they will tell me it doesn't feel safe. It actually

So that's a red red flag because loving relationships should be calm and not filled with anxiety.

Correct, So calm can feel empty or unsad when you're addicted to your partner.

Okay, yeah, because there would be drama all day, all the time, and then your nervous system never settles with that person. No, No, that is definitely And I even see parts of that in my last relationship. I see because I even said I remember him saying to me, I don't feel calm around you, and I'm like, oh my gosh, that hurts my heart.

Yeah, I remember that.

But there was a lot of drama in the relationship going on within him, and he was looking for me to help.

Him all the time.

And I'm like, you've got to this is yours, not mine. I would love to do this, but this is not. You've got to dig deep here, because ultimately we all have to walk our own path, right, we all have to figure out how to love ourselves and how to

Is it me? Is it him? I mean, so you have to have that.

But there's always a question I'm going to ask before I go to somebody else and say, how can I handle this myself?

Right? M hm?

Because I feel like, you know, your greatest love of your life is you right?

And should be?

It should be? And we're all so hard on ourselves.

I mean, if you start paying attention to the thoughts in your head, which most people don't understand, that there is somebody in your head talking all the time, the voice of the ego that's usually negative, repetitive, and useless. Ecker totally says eighty to ninety percent. So if we have sixty to eighty thousand thoughts a day, and eighty to ninety percent of those are negative. That's like you're walking around with somebody that's so mean to you all the time.

And if you don't know that that's what's.

Going on, you're gonna be angry, you're gonna be upset, you're gonna a your nervous system is going to be active all the time, and it's going to be a hard life to live.

It will be yeah, the inner critic, right.

So it's so important to be aware of the things that you're saying to yourself. And neuroscientists have been studying the brain and what they are finding is that the brain doesn't care if the story is true or not. You know, when you're in a dream state and you're having a dream and your nervous system you wake up and your fingers are clenching and your sweating, and your

It's the template you're forming, the recipe you're creating for yourself.

You never have any money, Nope, you will not. You're unlucky in love, or you attract the worst type of people. Guess what you're going to continue to do that. I remember I was I was just starting to date this one guy and he said, I'm so unlucky. I said, I'm glad you told me that, because I don't want to hang out with somebody so unlucky.

I want to be in the vicinity of you. And he was like, well, I didn't mean that.

I'm like, when you say stuff like that, you put an X on your back, right, there's gonna be some I don't want to be standing next to you when you do that. If you say you're gonna have a

I'm gonna I'm gonna be you know, successful.

Even if even if you say I'm gonna make a million dollars, I don't know how. I'm just gonna do it, and you keep saying that over and over and over again, chances are you're gonna say it. So how important is it to look at and to start talking in a positive way. Get that feed loop going in a positive way. Understand that negativity breeds negativity and it's going to manifest all kinds of negative things. The opposite is true when you're looking at positive things.

So you're rewiring your brain, is what you're doing when you are creating a new template for your brain. So neurons in your brain, neurons that fire together, wire together. So the brain is about associations. So if you associate yourself with positive energy or positive thinking, you're going to feel that way.

Okay, so what if I don't feel positive?

What is But if you say it enough if you create, it's fake it till you make it.

Yeah.

Yeah, because you're still creating, you're still firing it off in your brain and you're wiring it in to your reality. It's a way that treat post traumatic stress disorder is by helping people go back to get traumatic memories. We can't change what's happened to them, but we can lessen the intensity of the emotion they feel because just like what you say, Donna, your nervous system cannot tell the difference between what it perceives is happening and what is really happening.

Right, Yeah, it's it's it's And people studying the brain or understanding this on a deeper level, how important it is to understand the things that you are saying, the thoughts that you are saying to yourself. And some people don't even they don't know that there is a little man or a woman you see when when you see, you know, somebody out on the street and they're they're they're homeless, or they're they're you know, it's disturbed and they're talking to themselves and you see it.

I mean, when I lived in La it was a frequent thing.

They're yelling at themselves and they're real loud blah blah, but we all have that to a certain level degree of of of a man or a woman. You have a man, I have a woman in my head that talks to me all the time. And if I don't control that voice, and I say this all the time in my yoga classes too. You can control that voice because you can say right now in your say in your head, right now, scream your name in your head

Yeah. I would make a list to get rid of the negativity of all the positive things that you've done in the past. Write them down, and also make a list of all the things in detail, write them down what you're grateful for, Yes, yeah, some real simple ones. Is I live in America. I live in Ohio in an area that doesn't have a lot of problems like other places in the world. World and a number of other things that you're grateful for, opportunities you've been given.

You have two legs, two arms, two eyes, two hands, You're healthy, your body is healthy, you have you have an open heart.

You I mean, I can go on.

I write a gratitude list every single day to help me look for the things that are positive in my life, not the negative.

And Keith, and if you have to refer to the same list most days or every day, then then do that. Yeah, and again, be grateful for everything that you have and what things that you've done that you were successful for that made a difference in your life, and focus on those.

That's that's exactly right. I agree, hundred percent. Yeah, good deal.

Yeah, grateful for you and grateful for your call. Thank you so much, Happy New Year.

You got it.

But he's right, He's exactly right.

Lists are so important and if you do it right before you go to bed, five things that you're grateful for. I mean, anybody can come up with five things that you're grateful for.

I remember I was in a really bad mood. This was a very long time ago, and.

I was talking to my sister on the phone and she said, tell me something you're grateful for, and I.

Didn't want to do it. I was in a bad mood and I didn't want to do it. And I was like, I'm grateful for you, and she was like, grab me. I did not.

So there's a resistance to to when you're in a bad mood.

Sometimes you just want to stay there.

But I'm telling you, the longer you stay there, the harder it is to get out of it.

I would agree with that too, because it's a self fulfilling prophecy. Yeah, we create our own reality by what by the thoughts we tell ourselves. There's a whole school of therapy called narrative therapy, and it looks at the stories that we write about ourselves.

Do you think it's helpful to.

Sit quietly, maybe with a pen and a piece of paper and close your eyes. And what's ironic is that when you try and listen to a thought, they're not there. It's hard to which is great because you have a peace of mind for a second, and one deep breath can get you into the present moment. It's really important to try and find that as much as possible. Is just to be present in life and being in nature and being with your animals and your pets and things

That you're having to put your thoughts on trial. Yes, yeah, you.

Have to question them because the ego tries to pull you in that mind made self.

Yeah.

And and first, I don't know what reason that is. I have no idea why we are battling the ego all the time. It's a negativity bias.

Is that what it is?

Well, I mean, evolutionarily speaking, we are brain's designed to keep us alive, right.

So they're looking for things to keep us out of danger.

Yeah, we're constantly Our brains are designed to keep us alive, so we have to constantly scan for threats. If a threat's not there, then our brain will focus on what's wrong in this present moment, even if nothing's wrong, and then we believe it is true. Just because a thought is a thought is a thought, right, It doesn't mean it's true.

Yeah, yeah, you have to question everything and ask yourself questions like do I really am I really mad at somebody that didn't text me back and it's taken them an hour?

Is that really what I'm going to be upset about.

I just had like the most amazing on air gig and I just had amazing for you clients that right, I just killed it in yoga and I was so strong whatever, And then I'm gonna get myself all upset because somebody didn't text me back something, or somebody didn't like my Facebook page at the very minimum?

Right? Can we evolve from that.

With mindfulness awareness? You can, but that can expect to what you were talking about writing it down. I think if you're going to write down the negative things you're thinking, I would want to say that it's a part of me that's thinking it, not all of me. This is like a false voice, it's like a false self. So that's what I tell my clients to you, right, it's like the inner critic.

Talking to me right, right, And you don't it's like somebody, It's like you would never hang out with somebody on a consistent basis a friend that was so negative all the time. You'd be like, get out of here, that's right. But that's what we do to ourselves in our head all the time.

It's can say it's insanity, it really is.

I mean, if you think about the craziness of the ego and the mind made self and how negative it can be, and people don't understand that it's not really them. It's just these patterns of growing up and things that we've heard being told. We talked about being bullied, right, and if you believe, like you you've been bullied and they say you're this, you're that, you're whatever, and those things you hold on to that could be part of the ego in your later adult life.

Absolutely, absolutely, Yeah, I can relate to that for sure.

And so and so the how would you say, other than writing it down or finding things to be grateful for, would you say looking at that or would you just ignore the voice altogether?

Me?

I just ignore it and say, no, that's not me, that's that alter ego. That's not a good person. And I don't want to I don't want to hear it, don't want to pay attention to it.

Yeah.

Yeah, so that's one strategy you can certainly do and it works for you. It sounds like does it work for you?

Yes, it does?

Okay, then great. And then there are other people that who might want to look at like what's the reason for it? So I'll have them like talk to their inner child. Yeah, and have a conversation with the inner child. And that can help some people too.

So if somebody in your office says, listen, I've been negative.

I can't get out of it.

And I feel like some of this is my mom used to just criticize me on everything. Yeah, and I feel like some of this stuff is carried over in my adult life.

I got to get rid of it. How do I do it?

Yeah?

In that case, I would say, let's talk to the inner child as your adult self. So let's imagine that they're sitting in a chair in this office with us right now. Yeah, and I want you to ask them to tell you what it is that the thoughts are, and then I want you to respond to them in a way that you needed to hear, what you give yourself what you needed to hear back then that you get Oh.

That that makes my heart right.

I mean, because you do have to parent yourself to yourself. You do it's it's you have to be your mother, you have to be your father, you have to be your sister, you have to be your daughter. You have to and it really is having your own back. And that's a great example of doing that right there. Yeah, that's right, that's fantastic. When we come back, and please feel free to join in the conversation five one, three,

Right? Yeah?

Is it stereo?

It's stereotypical gender role, it's gender role typing. It's prescriptiveness that men are supposed to do these things and men are not supposed to do these things. And if you do, then, as that individual said, they're gonna pull the man card from that person. So yeah, it's we have to broad the gender role a little bit and say that it's okay for me emotion.

Yeah, that's okay.

I personally love when men show emotion.

It's it's it's foreign to me when they don't.

Yeah, you know, I and and really I don't know if it's me being you know, comfortable with men, asking questions with them, and you know, because they show emotion to me, I don't see too many men that are just stone cold, and I think they want to be emotional creatures.

They want to let it out.

Yeah, of course they do we all have emotions because that's our barometer for we have to That's the way we keep ourselves alive, right, is by our feelings, right, which then tell our brains what to do and and and so. But Yeah, the Surgeon General into twenty twenty three a formerly identified loneliness and social isolation as a public health crisis, and middle aged and older men report steeper declines in friendships than women, And.

So I would agree with that.

I would agree that men really need to work hard at finding close relationships and they have to trust other guys. There's plenty of guys that do that, that support people in men's groups and things like that.

If I was a younger guy, I would search.

Out mentors and men groups and people that are positive role models in your church or your community that are going to support a loving, open hearted.

Relationship with a man.

Yeah, I agree.

I think that is really important.

Okay, back to the stats of by twenty thirty, nearly fifty percent of women twenty five to forty five, according to Morgan Stanley, will be single by choice forty five to fifty five percent. There's four reasons for that, one of them changing social attitudes. So a rising share of women report that marriage is not essential.

For a fulfilling life.

Surveys show that nearly half women don't see marriages as essential, and they would prefer to.

Get careers early on.

They're not saying marriage is out of the question, but they want to get their careers going first.

That's the first thing. Economic independence.

A lot more women are in the workforce, they're getting higher education, and they're gaining greater financial autonomy versus prior generations, so it reduces the economic pressure to marry a man.

So that's number two. Delayed family formation.

The median age of a first marriage has steadily increased over decades. More women are choosing to delay childbirth or remain child free, often citing career goals and economic pressures or lifestyle choices. And then the final one is the relationship dynamics. Some women report frustration with modern dating norms and evolving expectations about emotional availability, equality, and partnership dynamics.

The same way they do. Michael, you're on with Donna Dan, doctor West. What what what do you say about all this?

Well, it's my Hey, hey Michael, for some reason, we're not getting you.

You're breaking up.

Hear me out?

Uh, sort of keep going and if we do, you might have to. Are you on a bluetooth? Oh that's better, Michael, Can you hear me?

Yes? Okay, go ahead. Uh oh boy, I'm sorry, Michael. Try and call back when you're in a better service area. For some reason, we're not picking you up. You're going in and out. And I do want to hear because it's it's about the male population, and I do want to hear your comments. See if you can call back in a better a better zone here.

Uh So, So.

If women are able to support themselves and they feel like the twenty five forty five range is going to be their highest career potential earnings and they're going to they're getting out of college and they.

Just want to go for work.

What does that do to society in terms of I mean, I mean, I know that we have eight billion people on the planet, and I know Elon Musk this is a big thing he worries.

About all the time.

Is is population control and how people how we're going to be You know, there's not going to be any humans left on the planet if we don't continue to procreate.

What are your thoughts on this.

Well, I think that I, as you were talking, Donna, the reason why I at least a contributing factor for why I think women are going to be single is man keeping.

You remember me bringing this up.

To you, Yes, I do.

Man Keeping describes the emotional and social labor that women often perform in heterosexual relationships, acting as therapists, social directors, and life coaches for their male partners, stemming from a male friendship recession where men lack deep male bonds. So I think that women are just they're tired of having to compensate for the lack of social, emotional, and relational

Well, you know, I'm not exactly sure how to feel about this stat because, well, first of all, you know, I'm fifty six and I was married, happily married. We've talked about that, but I chose not to have kids, and that's very I mean, I have four sisters and they all have they all have kids, and they all have grandkids, and so my choice is very different from what society taught all of us. Right, and I was in a happy marriage. I could have absolutely had a

So I will be.

I'm now the minority, and I will be the majority by twenty thirty.

That seems I see either your question. Now, yeah, that's concerning then well procreation and and keeping the planet going for sure, But also I think I was coming at it from more of a feminist perspective, more of like a this is good that women are continuing to differentiate, you know.

And I get that, and I do agree that. Listen, nobody, uh, And there is such a thing as man keeping.

Absolutely.

You're you're their therapist, you're their best friend, you're their their spouse, you're there sometimes mom, you're their financial abors. I mean, there's there's everything because guys don't have friends like women do most men, so the woman becomes everything to this one guy, and it's exhausting and it's like, and I'm not to be honest, My husband was like that too, and I used to invite him everywhere I went, including with all my girlfriends, and I'm like, why is

What happened?

You got to continue your friendships you can't just get married and then leave all your friends behind you.

That's what I did. That's exactly what I did. And then why do you guys do that? And my fifteen year marriage ended, and now I'm like, I gotta go find friends. Yeah, I can't just work all the time. That's not healthy, no.

Right, And so so that is so interesting and I'm just looking at that for the first time. I mean, like remembering how hard that was as a as a woman, and being his social social network too.

I think if you called up my ex wife, she'd probably say she was she felt like she was man keeping me.

She probably felt like that.

Yeah, Well, and would you agree with her?

Yeah?

I would.

I would, yeah, because I was raised up in that. I was raised up with a dominant mother. My dad was outside the home, he was the you know, he was working two jobs to keep things going for us. You know, my mom was working inside the home and outside the home. But my mom was my primary parent growing up. And so I think that may have something to do with it too. Who was the primary parent growing up? For people, for men in particular, and they kind and.

Who you relate to more, and and and and and the roles that you take on. If you were a mom, if you were closer to your mom, you might get a little bit more of the feminine energy and then carry that into your adult life. And if you were the dad, you might have the sports, the rugged, the don't cry, don't emotion kind of a thing, and keep all your friends and do you know all that stuff.

When you give all your power away.

It's it's there's a danger of one relationship carrying too much emotional weight. Yes, And when you put all your eggs in one basket, yep, and which I did. Yeah, I mean when you do that, there is a sense of scared, scarcity, safety, all kinds of stuff.

Can you speak on.

That, sure?

Yeah, I mean when you put all your eggs in one basket, then it increases the fear I think response, the anxiety response. The weight is heavy on this person because now they have to be the emotional and social laborer. That's really what I think that I that I found most interesting about mankeeping. So they have to take care of your emotions, they have to take care of your social caw much pressure.

It's too much pressure.

It's too much pressure, it's too much weight.

And then they become what I hear in my practice a lot. I have a lot of women that can in and say I feel like I have a third child. Oh my husband is my third child or my fourth child.

Definitely not what you want to have. Let's get to Michael, because Michael is back. Michael, we can hear you. Hopefully you want to talk about how many? What about the man thing that we're talking about?

Yeah, I just I heard a little bit because it was cutting in and out. Yeah, So basically you're saying that the man, he's a woman mostly financially security wise.

No, so women's second fourth child.

Well, yeah, you kind of getting bits and pieces here. So what we're saying is that women in twenty thirty are going to be more focused on their career than getting married with children between the ages of twenty five to forty four or forty five. That's the discussion and why is that happening? And doctor West suggested that there is something called man keeping where you're basically everything to

Do you agree, Michael.

Cowboys been the opposite?

Okay, the woman to keep her.

I guess.

Okay, so you pay you, you take care of your woman financially, and do you support her socially?

Do you have all the friends and things like that?

Well?

I did, and what happened.

Well I had a letter just because of the same reason why you're saying it.

Was it exhausting for you to be everything to one person?

Absolutely?

Yeah, that's what we're talking about. So is it so in your relationship were you married? Was it your wife?

She was my fiance?

Okay, my first wife was exhausting also, okay.

So is this a pattern for him? Doctor West?

Yeah? Absolutely? Yeah, Yeah.

Why do you feel the need, Michael to take care of these women and then you end up getting so exhausted about it?

Well, I haven't done that for a year.

Now.

Are you to take care of myself?

Good? Good?

Yeah?

How are you doing that?

Uh?

Just working out, going to work, good, hanging up with my family, my two wonderful dollars, my great grandchild, not great grandchild, but grandchild, right right?

Yeah?

Well, Michael, thank you for the call, and I appreciate it. So you're happy being single? Because that's the question we're going to ask everybody right now. Are you happy being single? Or do you want to meet somebody in twenty twenty six and have the greatest love affair.

That would take a miracle.

Twenty twenty six might bring it. Michael, thank you for calling back. We appreciate the call. Happy New Year. So do you care about being single? Are you happy being single? Is it something that you prefer to be single then to be in a relationship right now? Currently, we're talking about ending relationships in twenty twenty five because those that were not serving us, those that were fear based, those

Give us a call.

Five one, three, seven, four nine, seven thousand, one eight hundred, the Big One. We have one more segment left. It's Donna d and Doctor Wes seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati. There was somebody that won a million dollars in Ohio. I do have my power Ball tickets, so I'm gonna have to check on that. But he's right. So if you're asking why is this happening to me, you're in the victim role. If you're asking what can I learn from it? You become powerful.

And that's a really big deal.

And Wes, we were talking earlier about aligning right your personality with your soul because even when you're negative, and he said the mind is negative, and I agree with him.

The mind is very useful tool.

We just overuse it and because we overuse it, it gets negative. And you had a term for it and protecting. We're used to protecting ourselves and things like that. But when you ask yourself before you comment on any body or you or you make reply to somebody, and you ask yourself, am I aligned with what I really want to say?

Yes?

And intentionality right would be the word I would put.

On that right.

So if you if you say, you know, I feel like I'm aligned with all the good things about myself and how I want to respond, you just feel better about everything. And it's almost as if you don't really care what the other people other person says or does because you can handle it. It's a there's a there's a level of trust that comes with yourself when you don't react to what other people are doing, you respond.

Let's get to Wayne on a Dayton. Hi, Wayne, how are you? You're on with Dunnade and doctor Wes. How's it going tonight?

Hey, pretty good? Pretty good? Two things on that. I think most of us are going to go through life better if you have a partner married, therefore, that you can count on because things change, people get sick, to go to the hospital for maybe six months or a year, they have another problem, or one of them gets fired. And even if it's the woman that's making the big money, the man should still structure himself up so he can by education and by preparation for a job if he

I love that because Brene Brown always says, nobody's going to be if you're in a relationship, nobody's going to be one hundred percent all the time. It's not one hundred percent and one hundred percent. If you say, listen, I only have twenty percent today, can you pick up the pace because I need your eighty percent?

And he's like, well, I only have forty percent.

Well, let's try and figure out how we can we can make today.

Work with a sixty percent share.

It's never going to be one hundred percent on one side one hundred percent on the other. You're going to have to have somebody pick up the slack. And if you know that your partner has your back, that's everything, isn't it, Wayne?

Yeah, And nothing's guaranteed. Things happen to people in life, whether it's a personality conflict with a big, well paying job that she's got, or get sick or has to do something else, or god forbid, the husband can't take care of the kids because he's sick, So got to be prepared, so both of them have to continue to develop themselves if they're going to stay married.

So tell me if you're comfortable a little bit about your relationship, how long you've been in your relationship, and how you've kept it going.

A long time, by thinking of that person, by sometimes pausing and not responding immediately, about putting some thought into it when she's having difficulty and we've been married a long time, and when she's having difficulty and says something that upsets you, you don't have to respond right away. Write some thought into it before you say something that you're going to make it worse or that you're going to be sorry for it.

Man, if that isn't the best advice right there, I mean, give give somebody grace if they're having a bad day and then get you know, look at them in the most positive light when when you know that that's not who they are. They're just they just lashed out. And you don't want to have to be, you know, somebody that lashes back. You want to be the one that says, it's okay, you're all right, I got you, it's all good, don't worry about it.

And it's like both of them have jobs to do. Yes, it can be a primary but the other the backup person has to be developing himself too, and but extremely important to have respect for each other and be thoughtful of each other and realize what striving the other person. That kind of thing.

I love it.

Thoughtful is something that I know that women really appreciate.

You're thoughtful.

You even just you know, picking flowers or filling her gas saying or opening her card door. I'm telling you, women really do care about that stuff. And if you're thoughtful, it goes a long long way. Thank you so much Wayne for the call.

I agree with you. Have a wonderful new year.

Thank you.

Okay, bye bye.

So, if if you can see the long lasting relationships, these men are very caring, they're very thoughtful there. They love their wives, They give each other grace, They communicate well, they don't rush to for you know, if she lashes out, he gives her time and they'll figure it out. These are the things that work for long standing relationships.

Yeah, there's a lot of emotional intelligence, right, And the guys that have called in tonight, that's what I love about it is they're they're bringing forth a whole lot of emotional intelligence and that's what's making those relationships work too.

Yeah, I mean EI is the new AI. I mean maybe maybe not. I'll just make that up. But emotional intelligence is really important, yes, And emotional intelligence is really can you describe it?

Yeah, I mean it's basically it's for me, the way I would describe it to my clients would be, it is the ability for you to be in the present moment and be aware of what you're emotionally feeling, what someone else is feeling, and being able to show up and kind of measure the present moment and take the emotional temperature in the room. Yeah, and be able to affect, you know, be effective.

Yes.

Right.

So when we were talking about young men earlier, yeah, and and and we've had some older gentlemen call about being, you know, married for forty or four years, and and and thus, do you think that the younger generation of men have the emotional intelligence that these older men have.

I don't think so. Not, not currently.

Not.

I don't think that there's.

Because if all you're seeing is them exhibiting anger, that's not emotional intelligence.

No.

No, So how do you how do we you know?

That seems like a really giant question to ask you, but you know, what are you doing If somebody comes into your office, a young man that says, I'm just angry and that's all I got, how do you handle that?

I print off an emotion wheel.

Okay, you have seen your emotional wheel. Yeah, it's great. No, I think it's great.

And it's the And I put an emotion wheel in front of them. I send it to them. I say, I need you to name your emotion before you do anything else, kind of like what Wayne said. Yeah, you know, he paused, don't just give yourself a minute. I want people to name their emotion that they're feeling. Because if you can name it, you can tame it. You can say, Okay, this makes sense that I'm feeling this way.

Yeah, Because sadness can turn to anger real quick, very quickly. And if you and if and if and if you're not allowing yourself to feel sad, or to feel hurt or or even depressed a little bit in the only emotion that you're allowing yourself to feel is anger. Right, that's anger is is there's a reason you get angry, but you're not supposed to live in an angry state.

Well they're just not there's for whatever reason, they're not able to articulate their emotions. And I think it goes back to that social programming you know of of don't don't feel don't, don't be vulnerable, uh be you know for whatever I don't. We could probably spend all night talking about it. Yeah, come up with all kinds of reasons why. But I do think that I also think that we live in such a society, the social media generation.

No, it's scrolling it gosh if even for me, if something takes too.

Long, Hey it's me, I'm and I'm like no.

So they're not taking the time to really ask themselves what am I feeling right now?

Plus it's a constant level of what is it not?

Is it cortisol or huh, it's Dopamine's of constantly just if you don't like it, switch switch switch switch dopamine hit where it's where where they're being fed all of this, And it's just that nobody's bored, and boredom is a place where where creativity is, where patience comes from.

We have to be bored.

We have to you know, we have to find a place where we just sit and do nothing and not scroll and not this or that, or walk in nature side.

Yeah, it can be nature. Walking in nature can feel.

Boring because scrolling is so interesting and you see people eating giant bowls of food and it's like wow, what is this person doing and what is that person doing? And there's all kinds of stunts. Yeah, and you know, all kinds of stuff. We can we can talk about

I would take a technology break every day, Yeah, not in a fifteen minute break.

Yeah, put the phone down, get away from the computer, and go walk outside.

Ten to fifteen minutes and just observe your emotions and your thoughts without judgment. That's what I would do. Yeah, and be intentional about that. I think social media is really having a lot of negative, really negative impact on our emotional and social wellbeing.

So take breaks from just being on your phone and on your computer, but also big time breaks from social media and doom scrolling, correct, because that is important. I think that's really good advice in order for you to be happy. Huh, get rid of some of the social media. Yes, yes, I think that is really good. Well, I am looking forward to it. It's been a really fun year starting

We are going to be back in January.

It's going to be the end of January January because we have some sports and stuff, but we'll be back in February January and then February March.

We'll have quite a.

Few shows because we want to keep this going. The idea is to help support people and to support ourselves and create a community of people that are engaged and want to connect and find happiness within themselves and with their partners. So that's our main goal. And I'm really happy here a partner with me. Same here, happy twenty twenty six and we're not even there.

Sterling.

I wanted to get on the here today to go for what is new Year's resolution is?

But I already know, and it's to be a better person.

He makes the same resolution every single year, is to be a better person. And really, what else is there is to be a better person. It's the longest journey you will ever take in this life, is from your head to your heart. And if you can manage to be more loving as you get older, because it's not that easy, you're going in the right direction. Yeah right, yes, absolutely, all right, Well, thank you so much. All the calls were great tonight. We will be back end of January.

Go Bengals big game tomorrow.

I mean, it's always gonna be nice if we get a win, anytime we get it. So Bengals and Arizona one pm and pay Corp seventy degrees out. There's nothing wrong with that. At the end of December. There's really nothing wrong with that. Thank you Russ Jackson for producing the show. Thank you everybody for all the calls coming in, and we will see you next year. Dona Dean, doctor Wes seven hundred WLW, Cincinnati,