I'm Clarissa. I'm Courtney. And this is 30 Dirty and Dying. And we're back, baby, for another episode. Baby! Yeah. We hope you guys are enjoying the season so far. But yeah, thanks for sticking with us for season seven. We hope you're having a bitchin' time so far. We're having a bitchin' time recording them. We really are. We really enjoy doing this for you guys. And this is the season of favorite things and our favorite things to do and talk about. So we hope that you're
feeling the faves as well. And today we're going to do a real talk, which we do really enjoy doing. Which is why we're doing it. Yeah, because it's our favorite things. Yeah, and one of my favorite things to talk about is mental health. Because I think, you know, I like the idea of destigmatizing.
mental health and making it more of a day -to -day conversation and it really does it affects everybody you know so especially i think getting to this this stage of life because you're i think you should probably be getting more real about what your experience is good bad etc and it's good to be honest with yourself about what is happening Mentally, emotionally, whatever. And we're here to unpack that and make you not feel so alone. Because mental health is for everybody.
You don't have to have a mental illness to prioritize your mental health. And it affects a lot of things. And that's what we're going to talk about today. One specific thing. Right, Courtney? Yes. Because as you said, one of your favorite things is talking about mental health. One of my favorite things is talking about relationships. And people... Love that. Some of our most popular episodes ever are about love and relationships and dating. And some of our most popular real talks are mental
health related as well. So we are pen pineapple apple penning right now. Are we? Do you know that song? I have a pen. I have an apple. Apple pen. I have a pen. I have a pineapple. Pineapple pen. Apple pen. Pineapple pen. Uh. Pen pineapple. Apple pen. I hate the way you're saying uh. Yeah, no, I haven't heard that fucking banger. When we're done with this, I will show you. Okay. It's on my like songs on Spotify, the extended version. It's on Spotify? Yeah. Pen Pineapple
Apple Pen. Okay. So we're Pen Pineapple Apple Penning mental health and relationships. Yeah. I need therapy after that. And we're going to be talking about how mental health affects relationships or your love life or anything like that. Yeah. How mental health, your own mental health or your partners can affect how you're getting through a relationship or navigating different. eras of your love life, whether it's dating, long -term relationships, marriage, whatever. Marriage.
Marriage is, I don't know. It brings us together today. Princess Bride? Yeah. I've never watched it. I've seen parts of it. I love how I'm quoting it and expecting you to know this. No, I know what it is. When I myself have not. I think I've seen it, but not much. I more know the part that was like, you killed my dad. Prepare to die. Yep, that part. So, real talk today. And because we're talking about mental health, we tried to pick a back in time year that correlated to our
mental health journeys. And though I would consider myself previously to be a happy person, I was like, I enjoyed life for the most part. I was, like, more outgoing. I would say I was happy. I didn't, like, I was not depressed. Like, I got sad. Like, I had bad boyfriends who made me sad. But otherwise, I was - You also had a lot of trauma in your life that you were just, like, straight up ignoring. Yeah, well, you know. Anyways. Shit's gonna get you. But then 2020
happened. Yep. And I found out I had Crohn's, a disease that I have to deal with for the rest of my life. And then I became depressed. I also think that 2020 is a good year for us to go back in time because a lot of people had to deal with their mental health in 2020 because of the circumstances of the world. Yes. So even if you were ignoring your trauma, like Courtney did, you know, things that you can pass off as everyday, like just
little quirks. or idiosyncrasies or whatever when we all got trapped in our houses there it was really hard to ignore some stuff so we thought we'd go back to 2020 and talk about um what that experience was like for us with our mental health and just the state of things um really pivotal year for you and your life experience why don't you tell us about it yeah well first i want to say that i really tried to like research things that happened in 2020 that wasn't covid yeah
like it wasn't political And wasn't COVID. Yeah. Well, you guys know when we do Back in Time, it varies, right? Sometimes we talk a lot about pop culture. Sometimes we talk a lot about news and historical events. Sometimes we just talk about our experiences and what we were doing. So this, you know, this might be a little bit more on that end of the spectrum. Of our experiences, just because we don't need to get into it. We
all know what happened in 2020. Yeah. And, you know, obviously we'll relate our experiences to what was happening. But since, especially the nature of today's episode. So we're going to be a little more personal this time. Yeah. So, I mean, obviously I've talked about this before. 2020 is when I found out that I had Crohn's disease. Right. Going through a medical journey in 2020 when it was just scary to be out in the world anyways. Yeah. Especially at like hospitals
and stuff. Exactly. And I had to do it alone because you couldn't have people with you. Mm -hmm. So I was admitted to a hospital and no one could come. I was alone thinking I was about to have surgery. Yeah. Like, because they thought something was like horribly wrong. Yeah, didn't they look and see a lot of inflammation and thought it might be like a blockage or something crazy? Like appendix or like something crazy. Like emergency surgery level. Yeah, but my GI was just like,
oh no, it's just Crohn's, you can go home. Yeah. Cool, love that for me. And I can never go back. Yeah. Well, and it completely changed how you live your life. I mean. The ways you have to think about, you know, your diet, your life, your medical concerns, the medications you have to be on. I'm on. The fact that your liver almost fucking failed because your doctor was too lazy
to look at it. Which has made me, I've thought about that so much since we talked about that when we were on break and you were telling me
about, like, your liver updates. um because this is just how we talk in real life guys this is our real life you know bringing it to you on the internet as well and like i've thought so much about how fucked up it is that it was like your liver was in such bad shape and because the because the medicine i was on yes and the fact that that is not one of the first things that that your doctor that you've had previously thought of because you're on these crazy medications
Yeah. I'm like, I am fully aware that I have gained a lot of weight because of the steroids, because I was able to eat for the first time in a long time, because I have no self -control, whatever. I could have gained less weight, but it's fine. And I can understand that probably had something to do with it. Yes. But not the
only thing. And that's what I'm saying. That's what is so infuriating and why the medical stuff can be so infuriating, because it's like, it's just one of those things that happens to people
who are overweight. is one of those things that happens a lot to women is like doctors will think of one thing that is like this is probably it's fine they take occam's razor way too far of like the most likely explanation and they don't even think of what the most likely explanation is they just look at what they see first which is like fat lady like when i go in places which i don't go to the doctor much but anytime i do i'm so like i feel like i need to write a preamble
about like i understand that I am fat. I understand that I have a lot of extra weight. I understand that comes with health problems. But I'm pretty sure this is different. Please look at this differently. Yeah, I mean, he did some, like, lab work to make sure it wasn't other things that not just fat. Yeah. But it wouldn't come up because it was the medicine. Well, and that's what's so crazy to me because, to me, if I'm thinking Occam's razor for this, like, the most likely explanation
is probably the explanation. It's like, You're on medications, crazy strong medications and a wild cocktail of them. Your liver tends to get fucked up when you have a lot of extra chemical and substances that it has to filter through. My first thought as a doctor prescribing those substances would maybe be, I wonder if this medicinal cocktail she's on is too strong for her liver. The fatty liver, maybe that's not helping. But is that what's causing this giant spike all of
a sudden? I don't know. It's annoying. But the fact that, yeah, it's just like. So as soon as I went to my new GI doctor. Yeah. She was just like, when I told her about that, she was like, well, this medicine can cause that. I'm like. Exactly. Okay, thank you. I love you. That's what I'm saying. And she was like, yeah, like you don't have to take it. Yeah. But yeah, it's
like getting into that medical world. really happened for you then so i can relate a little bit but not nearly as much i mean i obviously had some mental health um things that just again being my whole world changed and like a lot of my obsession and obsessive compulsive yeah started to come up like i've always had ocd and after getting treated and and seeking therapy for it it became very fucking obvious that i've always had ocd like why didn't somebody take me to a
doctor when i was a kid touching stuff weird and being like if i don't do it this many times it'll be terrible but a lot of because we were so worried about like germs and contamination and cleanliness. Ten times worse. Yeah. Once I realized that I couldn't just let that go. You know what I mean? So some of that stuff really started to come out for me. That even, I think it accentuates, like, I wasn't as bad with, like, putting on sanitizer and washing my hands as
I am now. Same. And, like, yeah, I was diagnosed with OCD when I started going to therapy and stuff like that. It's not to, like, A horrible extent or anything like that. I mean, I'm functional. Last night, I was bowling and eating at the same time. And I almost put sanitizer on each time. I would probably. I carry sanitizer around with me all the time. Oh, yeah. Same. Yeah. It's everywhere. And I'm just like, I don't want to touch this. I'm afraid. People are like, yeah, I'm wearing
gloves. My hands are not clean. Yep. But yeah, it's like, but it came from because of what was
going on in the world. that side of it and again I did I washed my hands I was always very clean like like I've always been cleaning the house but it did get worse because I had more time to sit with my own thoughts something else for 2020 that I know you probably want to talk about that's kind of semi -recent uh because TikTok was it really had its moment in 2020 because again everybody was home and Bored in the house.
Yeah. In the house, bored. And recently. Now, look, we're pre -recording this, just full disclosure, like literally a day before the band is supposed to go in place. So if something happens in the 11th hour, this will not reflect that. Right. But as of right now, as of recording, it's supposed to be banned tomorrow. And I, before I came over here to record this, I spent like 40 minutes. Going through the people I followed on TikTok and started following them on Instagram. Because
I'm like, what if I never see them again? And, like, I was really sad. Because, like, bond is a weird thing to say. But, like, I have, like, come across, like, people on TikTok I care about. Well, sure. Like, because they post their lives on social media. And, like. I feel like I know them and I want to, to know how they're doing. Yeah. And that's weird. It's, this is a weird life we live, especially with social media because like, I don't know these people. I've never met
them and I never will meet them. Yeah. But like they've shared on these media platforms that like, I want to continue following them. Well, I always think about it like a lot of times when a really pivotal like show ends. People will get really upset and attached. Like when Friends ended or like, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. When people who really enjoyed it. Yeah. And everybody watched it and it was like this huge thing. Think about if a million of your favorite
shows or book series or movie series ended. On the same day. At the same time. It would be like. Because you get emotionally attached to things. Yeah. And you are. You are invested in things. In entertainment. So I don't. I don't think that that's. I understand where you're coming from. And that like. I started reading. Because of book talk. Yeah. And like all of. I think I had a little bit to do with it. But you surprised. But like all of the books. That were like recommended
to me. Like I never would have. Yeah. It's like a whole nother side. That I will never see again. Yeah. Like, where am I going to get book recommendations? Yeah. I can't help you with the sex. I really can't. I do have a friend, another friend who reads a lot of different books, but she doesn't also read smut. So I can... I can make a connect, if you like, but that's the best I can do. Well, my friend Melissa also. Okay, so good. But still. There are other communities, like Bookstagram
is a thing, but it's different. It's different. I understand that. And certainly ever since, at least for me, ever since like around 2020 and the first couple years after that, it became a big part of pop culture. It became a part of a lot of people's day -to -day lives. Like Vine.
A lot of people's... earning you know creators and and businesses so it's it's definitely something that's been in the conversation in a lot of people's day -to -day lives ever since 2020 ish so i get it yeah because i well like after vine obviously vine tragic yeah um and then musically which is now tiktok yeah um i was not about it i'm like this is real dumb um And like, I was like, I'm never going to download this. Yeah. Absolutely never. And when it turned to TikTok, I'm like,
that's a stupid name. I'm never going to like, it's never going to be mine. Yeah. Um, and then 2020 happened and I'm like, I'm like, Mike still worked. Yeah. And he worked because of, they could only, I think it was only like four of them just rotating shifts. Yeah. So I was alone a lot and this was before I read. So I'm like, what am I? I'm like, I'm going to fucking download it. Yeah. And I downloaded it and I got attached and it's a whole thing and I'm going to cry.
Well, it changed the landscape, you know, it really did. So I think it's, it's under, I think a lot of people probably feel the exact same way as you. I mean, I have like, I'll get over it. Obviously I'll get over it. And then again, I followed a bunch of people on Instagram and stuff like that. And there's like other apps that are kind of being developed right now to like be the next TikTok, which if I see that that might be a thing, I might add onto it. But.
If you follow me on Instagram, I posted a lot of videos about it. Obviously, there are things that we get more into on our individual platforms. But you can probably understand that a lot of people are saying a lot of things as to why this sucks. And all I will say is there are way more important things going on that should be focused on. It certainly feels that way. It certainly feels that way. And that's all I'll say about that. Yeah. It's tough stuff. Yeah. It's tough
stuff. Do you want to go out with some shows? Was it, uh, frickin', uh, fuck, what's it called? I don't know. Uh, the guy with the tigers? Tiger King. Did Tiger King come out in 2020? Was it 2020? Yeah, it had to have, right? Fuck yeah! It had to, wait, huh? Carole Baskin killed her husband, whacked him. Can't convince me that it didn't happen. March 2020. Yes! Uh, Tiger King. That was something that brought us all together. It really brought us all together.
Dude, I remember sitting down and watching that. Oh, yeah. And Justin and I watching that. And we were both like, I don't know. Everybody's talking about this. We'll probably watch one episode and be over it. And then it was like... You had to watch all of it. We were so invested. Oh, yeah. It was really something. I just want to... Because he's in jail still. I just want to know how he comments on things on social media.
i don't know ratchet show came out on netflix oh the nurse ratchet yeah i watched that i hated it oh i was not a fan yeah it's fine if you liked it it's okay emily in paris i watched the first season i've never watched it but i've heard good things fbi most wanted um hollywood also was ryan murphy thing it was okay the great with uh what's your face l fanning the outsider The Stephen King book that they made a show. Yeah. I don't think I read it, but I don't think I
watched it. I haven't read it yet, but I watched some of it. And then I always was like, I want to read it. So I would stop watching it. And then I would repeat that process a few times. Hey, thanks for listening to 30 Dirty and Dying. The show for millennials by millennials. We get real about chronic illness, burnout, nostalgia, and why we aren't exactly thriving. If that sounds like you, join us every Thursday for new episodes.
Now back to the show. All right. So today we are talking about mental health and how mental health can impact relationships in your love life. We're just going to talk about how we can relate to this topic. And if you guys can relate to it this way as well, or it starts a conversation for you, that's awesome. So I don't know. Do you have anything in particular that when some of your existential stuff started to happen with your physical health? How that related to your
mental health. Did you notice like shifts in your relationship with Mike? Well, like Mike's not like an emotional guy. Sure. And he doesn't know how to comfort. So I wouldn't necessarily say that it was like, I just felt, I guess I felt more alone. I got you. Because he couldn't understand. And I wasn't getting the comfort that I needed. I can totally get where you're coming from there. Not in my current relationship,
but I can relate. When I first started having troubles with my mental health, I was in a relationship. And one of the absolute worst parts of going through that, in addition to just like the absolute mental warfare that I was under and having an actual breakdown, was the stigma that we talk about a lot. I was really feeling that deeply because... You know, mental health was not discussed. Mental health was not talked about. And no one could really relate to me. And I felt like I
could relate to no one. And the relationship I was in, I didn't even realize how much worse that relationship made that experience until I got into a different kind of relationship. Yeah. But that person that I was with just like didn't fucking get it. And didn't try to get
it, is the thing. It wasn't just out of like a lack of... skill like you're talking about with mike um yeah because his his isn't on purpose yeah like it's not like he's like oh you can deal with that yourself like he found ways of his own but you guys found a way to bridge the gap right and like for me that didn't happen if nothing else i now know that like mental health and how mental health is related to within a romantic relationship is like really important
for me it's one of my like deal breaker type things like that has to be something we can identify on and agree on and and really be there for each other which justin and i definitely are but the reason i know that is because of going through the opposite yeah like i got diagnosed with ptsd and this person was like i don't think you have ptsd because what happened to you wasn't even that bad um when i told this person what one of the things a couple of different things go
and go into my personal PTSD diagnosis. But one of the major things that happened to me when I told this person, which it took a lot for me to tell this person, they said, yeah, I figured you're just kind of textbook. And that was the, I mean, that fucking killed me because like one of the things that I hated was feeling like a
statistic. Yeah. And it was just. it was just a bad experience it was just a bad experience all the way around and anything that i was going through first of all to know that someone didn't even notice or care right was hard because like being in the relationship i've been now with someone who is very conscious so how is his response to that because i'm sure you told him um he was you know very supportive not pushy and like but what is it you know very at your own pace right
if you're comfortable like you can talk to me about this exactly and very understanding like without me having to say very much but the day -to -day thing about having certain mental health problems it's like sometimes i will be in maybe on the brink of a major depressive episode or I'm, this is not the clinical term, but like spiraling, like obsessing or something like that. And he notices and will be like, what's up? How
can I help? Or like tough love a little bit, but not in a mean way, but like, hey, you got to stop because this is what you're doing. It's not about what you're talking about. You're on the edge here. You're spiraling. He sees some things before I even see them. And is supportive. And it doesn't make me feel badly about what I'm going through. I mean, sometimes, I'm not saying it doesn't cause arguments. We'll get into that. But in general, it's not about shaming
me for what I'm going through. It's understanding what I'm going through on a very deep level and trying to help. Or at the very least, trying to... I can't think of a better word than this, but like get my head in the game a little bit. Like realize what's happening so that I can deal effectively. Yes. So that I can deal effectively because sometimes you can run away with things. Yeah. So it is, it feels more like someone's on your team and it makes a big difference. Yeah.
Troy Bolton. Look at me. But yeah, so it's a big difference. Does the team stand for Troy? No, it stands for thanks for the memories. So
the difference is, is really. stark but it doesn't mean it's always perfect yeah yeah but i don't know what what if some of your especially i know you said that was something that you didn't feel super supported on but i won't even say supported because like he did things like his own way yeah but not in the way that like i really needed it but like he's still like he was there for me like um like if like he did more things around the house like yeah it was like he just kind
of picked up where i left off but maybe not emotional i do think the more that i'm talking about it though with him the more that he is realizing that he's also not okay really see that's that's sort of what i was like it does i don't want to say he still refuses you need to get like somebody who's just as fucked up as you that's not what i'm talking about what i am saying is it's just like anything else if someone can relate
to you You have a good bond. Yes. Yes. It doesn't mean you can't, you know, opposites can attract. It doesn't mean you have to have the exact same level of experience. Of course not. But there are things that you, it's easier to bridge the gap if you can relate on some level. And like you're saying, sometimes you can realize that just from trying to be there for each other. Yeah. And another thing I feel like has affected, like I, because I gained so much weight, I am
very down on myself. could mike do a better job of just calling me pretty because he's just not that type of guy yeah so like i i get upset and then i have to tell myself he's not doing it on purpose yeah he's just not that guy he's not gonna like wake up in the morning be like oh he looks so beautiful let me write you a song like i mean i wish you would but like i know you're not going to you're not that guy you're not that guy but honestly you don't want that
guy No. Well, mid. I would like a little bit. But the guy that would do it all the time is not the guy. No. But it's like sometimes you want things that you don't have. I need a little. Yeah. Like if I wear something new, like, oh, you look really pretty in that. Yeah. So like, obviously I feel really bad about myself. I gain a lot of weight. I don't feel good. I don't look pretty in my head. I think you're gorgeous. Thank you. So therefore, he thinks I'm atrocious. Right?
That's what your brain does. That's what my brain does. Yeah, I can relate. And I'm like, If I think I'm this bad, again, it's like my head is telling me all of these things. This is why I say mental health is for everybody, right? Because your mental health affects how you feel about yourself and how you view yourself and your own confidence, whether it's physical or if you like yourself or if you would want to
spend time with you. So if you're having troubles there, which I hate to fucking break this to you guys, that's mental health. Even if you don't have something that you can get a diagnosis for. You still have mental health. Like, even if your arm isn't broken, you still have an arm. You know? You still have physical health. It's the
same diff. And, like, if you're having anything, like self -esteem problems, or if you're just kind of feeling down on yourself, or you're feeling insecure, or... you're angry about something and it's really affecting your outlook on anything and everything, it's going to affect things that you're not thinking about, including how you interact with other people, in particular, your partner. Yes. And I've certainly had that happen. So I can relate to that. I think a lot of people
can. And if he was more outwardly affectionate, if he was more verbally affectionate, Would it have been as bad? Probably not. Maybe. But you know. But I don't know. And how the mental health affected this the most. Again, we've been together for a long time. Yeah. So he was never like that. So that was an issue. But because I kind of was mentally okay, it wasn't as bad. Yeah. I didn't see it as that big of a problem. Yeah. But when I'm so down on myself. And I no longer have great
mental, like... A view of yourself. Right. It became a problem. Yep. I think that happens to a lot of people, right? And here's the thing. Every relationship, a long -term relationship, if you're in a long -term relationship out there, a marriage, whatever, or you've been in one and it didn't go so hot, you know that... It's really normal to ebb and flow. Sometimes you're gonna be all over each other. Sometimes you're not
gonna touch for months. It just happens. But sometimes when you're able to look back and do some dissection and figure out, okay, what was behind this, you realize that, hey, that had to do with where I was at mentally or emotionally or where my partner was at mentally or emotionally. And it can really make a difference, you know?
Like we've had that. I think for me personally, one thing that I didn't realize was until semi -recently, honestly, was I had some... some things related to past intimacy that wasn't so great and healthy. Um, that I, I never really took the time to think about, uh, and doing a little bit of, because I've been really in tune with my mental health. I haven't had a fucking choice. Right. I've been able to be like, Oh, this is probably because of some stuff that I've dealt
with, with past. experiences that aren't so good and um traumatic stuff and what can i do yeah i can go back to therapy i can try to figure it out but also i should we should talk about this and sometimes we do yeah well i mean think about my past experiences with just relationships in general yeah in past relationships and the way that i was treated i being able to step back and like even just growing up yeah i have realized why i treated other people the the way that i
did like not friends but like other partners yeah in a way because i was assuming they would treat me the same way yeah 100 it's like why do you think this way about what whatever yeah and sometimes it's about intimacy sometimes just relationships in general and i'm like oh that fucking guy whatever it was because when you have some of these really early life experiences like early adulthood experiences romantically like relationships and influence from media family
whatever you get these preconceived notions about relationships and also your value as a person as a woman and where you fall and how you sure should be how you deserve to be treated right Period. And that can impact you in ways that even if you logically know, I don't deserve to be treated that way, we can fall into bad habits. And sometimes those bad habits are formed because of our own self -talk, our own mental health issues that we might not have even gotten to
that deeper level on yet. Yeah, even to this day. Mike's not cheating on me. Yeah. But because of... I hope. I guess I would never know. Fingies crossed, I guess. But because of my past, I get into these, like, cycles in my head of, like, who is he texting? Yeah. Why is he being quiet? Like, he texts me, I'm staying late at work tonight. That makes sense because of where he works. Duh. Yeah. Is there a girl there? Is he going to a girl's house? Again, that's self -talk because
of your own personal stuff. I know for a fact he's not doing anything. But even if he was, it becomes about, like, I don't even think that the reason we say these things to ourselves or the reason we fall into these habits are because we're actually afraid of that. Maybe we are, maybe we're not, uncertain. But in general, and I've only recently realized because of some things that I'm doing, that I'm like, what the fuck? Why am I doing this? It's out of this, like,
self -protection. Because if we can... figure something out if we can get ahead of it we can protect ourselves and it's like what are we protecting ourselves from right and i not not in the protecting thing but i was saying i don't know i don't know exactly how this came up for us semi -recently but i we got into something over uh an exchange we've been having an awful lot and something that i was doing that quite frankly was a little bit toxic um just like sort of it almost felt
like like it doesn't even matter whatever That kind of vibe. I was doing that an awful lot. And then when we actually like had a fight about it because it was happening so much, I said something that I was like, oh my God, I just cracked my own head open like a walnut because it was like, because what I want doesn't matter. And I really feel that way a lot. It's not me putting that onto him. I mean, I do it. I do that. But really,
I don't think that what I want matters. So I'm projecting that onto other things and other people. it affects how I move through my relationship. Sometimes. I mean that, not that, so similarly. Yeah. As a, like a people pleaser. I'm not even a people pleaser. It's fucking crazy. With the, like my opinion doesn't matter. Yeah. Like when, when Mike and I are just trying to think of a place to eat, I will not think of myself. Yeah. And it gets us into a fight. Yeah. Because he
was like, I don't care. And I hear. That he cares. Yeah. Which, again, my mind plays tricks on me. So, like, he says he doesn't care. I'm like, well, obviously you fucking care. Yeah. And then I get mad. And he was like, why can't you just choose something? Like, if we just get into this. And I'm talking to my therapist about it. And she was like, you really need to just make a decision. Yeah. I'm like, I can't make a decision
because I don't want it to be unhappy. And that's not even just like my relationship with Mike. It's my relationship with friends. Yeah. No, you do it to me all the fucking time. I know. Like, I can't because I don't want to upset you. Yeah. Well, like, I'm going to roundhouse kick you in the face if you want burritos. Um, something
that I am. have worked on with my therapist and that i actually did a good job of and she was proud of hell yeah um is if mike invites me and i don't want to go saying no and if i don't go he'll be mad at me yeah i his dad invited us to a hockey game and i said no i'm so proud of you and he went and i stayed home and then he came home and we went to bed And it was fine. I've been telling you this for years. He wasn't
mad at me at all. But see, this is the one that I think when, when we were talking about these different, you know, real talks, I really wanted to talk to you about this in particular with the mental health and relations, because you said that you, when you had sort of a shift in your mental health, you and Mike used to be sort of equal extroverts. Yeah. And he's still very much an extrovert. Even if he has mental, I don't know his mental health. I don't know anything,
but that's not a problem for him. He likes that. He enjoys to be an extrovert. You're, you. Started to have an issue with certain depression and becoming an introvert. And some of that was related to your mental health. And it seemed like from the outside that at least for you, it created a lot of strife in figuring out how to navigate your relationship with him because you were now
mismatched in this way. And that's something that I think is a good example of when your mental health changes, how do you make that work with your existing partner who... obviously they're their own person and they have their own their own ways of life and and maybe you guys agreed on something before and now maybe you don't well or not agreed but you know maybe you had the same outlook on something and now maybe your mental health has changed so you have a different
outlook right um so what i did was just kept doing it yes and you were miserable yes um until i recently got to therapy and talked about it and finally said no yeah so that's how i dealt with it is i just kept doing things so now that you've started to deal with it what were the effects of that like from i oh i was i i was just tired yeah i was tired i didn't want to like i just i probably didn't have a great attitude about it no but do you think it was like affecting
i i guess mike and i never had that conversation but if you had let's say if you had because now you're getting to the other side of it that's what i mean the the sort of um hindsight well like i never asked him how he portrayed me in those situations like how he's like did he see that i was not having a good time right or did i play it off so well that he never thought about it i have a feeling it wasn't like maybe every time you weren't killing it um but yeah i i can
understand that though because sometimes you're in varied or you're more malleable like i i was never an extrovert Yeah. But there were times I've been with people. I would say I'm an introverted extrovert. That makes sense for you, I think. Yeah. I've always been like a hardcore introvert, but there were times in my life that I was more malleable. I was more like, I can go along to get along with this. And then there were, I got to a certain point in my life where I was like,
I can't fucking do this anymore. And I stopped. And, but it doesn't always have to be like, you can't be with that person anymore. Right. If you're with the right person, I wasn't with the right people. But if you're with the right person, it can be as simple as a conversation. But sometimes it's just hard to have that conversation because back to like what you're telling yourself in your own mind, because you're probably telling yourself. He's going to be so mad. He's going
to be angry. It's going to ruin our relationship. He's going to go fuck somebody else because he's so mad at me. And then I say similar shit to myself about other things. But when we do have these conversations, he's just like, yeah, like, I don't care. I've been sitting right here and he's been like, I don't give a fuck if you go. And he's meant it. Yeah, I know. But in my mind, he was like, I don't give a fuck if you go. But if you go, I'm going to fucking cheat on you.
Yeah. I hope you don't so I can stick it in somebody else. Yeah. Yeah. I'm afraid of being resented. Yeah. Because I've been in a relationship where I was resented for just being myself, by the way. But when you're with a fucking coward who won't tell you how they feel, it's hard to shake that like you're always investigating. Yeah. You know, kind of like the cheating thing. Sometimes I'll think that if I do the wrong thing or if I make him upset, because you're going to make
each other upset. They're not going to want to wash the dishes. And it's just normal. It happens, right? But I'm inside my head. Yeah. I'm like, he's going to hate me for this. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but he's going to hate me for this. And a lot of that I've learned has to do with my own preconceived notions about. what I am supposed to be and what I have to absolutely avoid in a relationship. And it's not just like it's things that I went through. It's things
that I've seen my parents go through. Mental health is a layered dip. There are so many layers. Yeah, it's more than a seven layer dip here. Yeah, it's like that guacamole. It's like that trifle that Rachel made on that episode of Friends where it was like meat and pudding. Yeah, it was like first there's a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam, then custard, which I made from scratch, then more ladyfingers. Then beef sauteed with peas and onions. It's very that.
But I think if I had like a, I know we've talked about a lot of things today, but if I had like a final thought for it would just be, you're going to change. Yeah. You know, and your mental health is one of the things that's going to change. You and your partner or your partners, like as you go through your life. And it's not a bad thing unless you don't deal with it. Communication is so important. Yeah. And not. Not just when
you have mental health issues. And Mike and I, like a lot of the relationships we're around. Yeah. Do not communicate. Yep. And we're sitting back like we were very happy to have each other. Yeah. Because we're just like, this is awful. Yeah. And then we get home and we're just like, this is great. I really love you. Yeah. I love you so much. I'm so glad that you talked to me. Yeah. Communication is so important. And these
things are going to come up. And it's like, if you keep your core connection to each other and communicate through these things, you'll probably be okay. But this is the thing. It's not just about communicating with each other. It's also about communicating with yourself and being really honest with yourself about what you're going through and about what is bothering you. If you need help doing that, that is okay and probably
better. Like some of the things that we have had, like these giant blow up hat, like, you know, we've been together almost eight years. Like I'm almost embarrassed that we didn't just like figure out what the fuck was going on before we got into this giant fight or something. And it coming out on the other side and deciding that that's your person and really upping your communication game with each other and separately, you can really see the difference that it makes.
So I think, you know, we always are like, it's not anything to be ashamed of if you're going through something that you don't understand and do whatever you need to do to help you understand it. And if your relationship is changing, that doesn't have to mean it's over. And if it is over, that doesn't have to be the worst thing in the world. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be in a situation where you feel safe and secure. Hopefully you can figure that out
with whatever, whoever you love. But if that's not what's happening, the best thing you can do is just accept it. Because it'll just make things worse. Exactly. It'll make things worse mentally. It'll make things worse physically. It'll make just, it'll just be a toxic situation. Well, and I can tell you from experience, it's like I went through a mental health breakdown and it had almost nothing to do with my relationship.
I mean, there were parts of being in the relationship I was in that made it worse at the time, but. Once I came out on the other side a little bit and I got some help, I had almost another full blown one because I was in a terribly toxic relationship and I could see it for the first time because I wasn't busy just trying to keep myself alive. So it's not going to go away. Just you deserve to be happy and you deserve to be able to adjust to those changes, whatever they are. And therapy
is great. Yeah, therapy is great. But we hope you guys have enjoyed this episode and gotten something out of it. Hopefully this is starting good conversations for your relationship or even amongst your friends as you guys are, you know.
leaning on each other you know where to find us instagram at three zero dirty and dying and we'll be there for you and and help you as best we can or help point you in the right direction yep i think you said all the good things try well we'll see you next week guys rissy wake up