Hello! Hey, welcome back to 30 Dirty and Dying. Where were 30 Dirty and Dying? Heavy on the last D. The dying. Depression. That too. I've been... Let's get real for a minute. Okay. First of all, I'm Clarissa. I'm kourtney and I'm getting real. I'm depressed. I've been... I've been having one of the most, like, longest depressive episodes that I've had in a fucking while. I mean, it's probably been, like, close to a month. And it's
like, it's not... I've had depressive episodes before, and I've had the ones... I have PTSD with major depressive episodes. That's the diagnosis. But, like, you know, they're not as bad as they once were. They usually last a couple days and it's like, I can't get out of bed. I'm, you know, everything's made up at the point so matter. And then after like two days of that, I'm like, okay, I'll brush my teeth again. I've had times in my life where it's been like that level of
it. Like I can't get out of bed. I can't for days and days and days. Like hair mad at like all the shit you see on the bad Zoloft commercials that get real. This one's been like in the middle. It's like not full blown. But I can't get past it. Okay, I've even tried to have a few like, man, maybe if I just make myself not get out of bed, I'll like get it out of my system. It's not working. I don't know. So it's functionally depressed. Yeah, yeah, which like is sort of
my norm. But like, I know I'm depressed. And yeah, it's been a rough one. So I'm happy to be back recording another episode of the podcast because I need some joy. You could have just asked me to come over. You yeah, I should have I'm not far away. I really should have I've just we've just been like weirdly busy Yeah, not like a ton of stuff, but just like enough to make it like yeah and awkward like awkward days So
that we don't have you know what I mean. I haven't just been like here which also sucks Hate that. Well, I also have a vehicle. So if you want to just take a ride. Oh Okay. Well, I'm glad you're here right now. Yeah hanging out with me to record the podcast, but still, I got you here under podcast pretenses. But you can get me under friendship pretenses too. Well, yeah. And we're gonna do that more of that soon because the season's almost over. Can you fucking believe it? It's like another
one here and gone. Another one bites the dust. Another one bites the dust. It feels like just yesterday we were starting our first ever episode. yeah but now we're on this is the end of season six so 120 episodes is what it'll be when it's all said and done this will be 120 19 of the season so 119 and then one more after this the next one you hear will be our season finale guys it's crazy yeah So we've done a lot of fun stuff this season. And we like love games, we love
to do games and stuff. And we like to do our real talk. So we thought we'd do something like if you were around for our telling ourselves our younger selves, things like giving our younger selves advice episode. We sort of combine the two and made like a game out of getting a little real and talking about our real lives and our experiences getting to 30 town. And we're gonna do that again, this time, a little bit. So, you know, not really a game, but structured, a little
bit fun. Functured. Functured. Functionally depressed. But no, so we're gonna go through some what would have happened if some ghosts of Christmas passed if you - crazy. Yeah, you know, we're getting we're getting to the holidays. And we're basically doing that whole Lebanese or screwed shit. Are you a Honda days or a Toyota thon? I started crying the other day at a Subaru commercial. Is it like Dumb and Dumber when he's crying from that Bell phone commercial? I don't fully remember
that part. It was the lady saved a dog. And like the dog was like, he's had a hard life. And they get home and the dog was afraid to get out of the car. So she just like lean the seats all the way back with their great functionality that Subaru offers. Not sponsored, but you fucking could be guys. And was like, it's okay. Whenever you're ready. I'm not gonna leave you bald like a bitch. Dog. Subaru. Fuck me up. This girl a dog and a Subaru. I already have both of those
things. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm just not because he lives with my mom because he's a sensitive little boy. He's just, like, clinically insane, like his mommy. What were we saying? Um, Subarus. Oh, the show today! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so we're gonna - Not like Subarus! Joseph Christmas passed. We're gonna go back and, uh, look over our life's choices and see - We've made some
choices. We've made some choices, you know? We've gotten a lot of experience over these years that have gotten us to the other side of the 30 mark, which is the whole point of the show, and - What it's like on this side and the reason things are the way they are for us is because we've made choices We could have had very different stories. Yeah, so we're gonna basically create our own Christmas Carol here and Be Scrooge and the ghost at the same time. I feel that yeah
in my soul. Yeah bah humbug, but also Yeah, cuz you know neither of us have decorations out no, but We're gonna get festive gonna do it. I'm gonna power through I want to Maybe it'll help you get out of the depressive. I think so just a little holiday cheer. Yeah choices choices
That makes us who we are. I'm gonna get into all of our life choices today Talk about what could have happened if they went if things went the other way and we're just gonna kind of walk down what if lane You know, I get to the end of the year another year gone start to get a little bit retrospective So we're gonna do today the first We gotta get retrospective about the 90s. Back in time. All right. Nineteen, nineteen, nineteen ninety seven. An oldie putty goodie.
I was surprised that we hadn't done 97 this season. We've done it before, obviously, in past seasons. But I think I just I know what I want to always talk about. We lost Diana. And I'm always surprised. Yeah. Wait, she's dead? What do you mean? I'm like, wait, it was in 97? Yep. Crazy. Yep. She died in 97, funeral, big old deal. I was looking up for the little like back in time collages that we do on Instagram, and I was looking up pictures of like, you know, the moral stuff.
And there's there are so many pictures, the sheer amount of just like, they fill the entire grounds around Buckingham Palace, like just people. um, with flowers and cards and, um, and it was like probably up to your knees worth of stuff. Just the entire space was filled. It was crazy how much stuff people, people left there as like this outpouring of grief. Wow. Do you think it was an inside job? I don't, I don't know if I
would say that. I don't really think that, but I do think, I think in an indirect way, she was set up to be torn down. I don't think like people I don't think it was like an inside job like they were gonna kill her. I'm like, cut the break lines. I mean, I don't know maybe though maybe something else will come out at some point and we'll know but I do think it was just a traffic accident but the media just like attacked her. I mean, it was like an attack every day of her
life. I mean, they just like were on her like lions on gazelles. Yeah, well, I mean, a woman who is in power, you know, yeah, they just they they set her up to be this like beautiful. Figure that everyone wanted and then When it didn't work and when she didn't fall in line It was
like getting set up to be torn down again. It really felt like that a little bit now I don't think it was like a conspiracy, but I think I love a good conspiracy I mean, you know, it's interesting to hear but I don't think it was like a conspiracy. I just think it was Almost like a self -fulfilling prophecy like, you know this the undercurrent of what was going on within that dynamic led to her ultimate death. I really think that. But yeah, sad stuff, sad stuff. What
else happened in 97? Let's make it happier. I looked up some movies. I love a movie. And there were a lot. There were more. Obviously Titanic is the big boy. That big ass boat, you know, and you said Jurassic Park. One of them also was okay. So Jurassic Park, The Lost World. Gotcha.
So like Good Will Hunting came out. Everybody loves that one never watched it Hercules Hercules Hercules And you know who should have who I wish I would have remembered for our fictional characters episode a couple weeks back Hades um Speaking of okay. I have so many that I forgot is saying well on the reels on your cuz you're not tick tock anymore the Wiggles tree Do you know what I'm talking about? No. Oh my gosh, you're so far behind. I'm sorry, I'm fucking 30 and I act
like it. What are you trying to say? Saying that you act younger, which is fine. I know what you did last summer, another movie. G .I. Jane. Never watched it. It's really good. Con Air, also really good. Getting in the Cage with Nick Cage. Anaconda. I watched it. Honestly, I think it was in 97. or 98, I told you, my parents just let me do whatever. They had no like, she's too young for this. And I watched Anaconda with my parents. It was probably like 98 actually, like the HS.
And we watched it at home. And you know, one of my first nightmares that I can remember came from Anaconda. So I watched it, it was probably like four, which, strike one. And I told you that, I've told you before that like my dad worked away when I was a little kid. So it was just me and my mom a lot. And I would get up a lot in the middle because I didn't like I didn't sleep like normal kids sleep. But my mom would stay conked out and she could trust me to be
a normal kid. So I had this dream that seemed very real. And I think this is why I remember it. I get up out of out of bed. I was sleeping in my mom's bed. And I look at the clock. It's like midnight. I wander out probably to get my midnight snack. And there's I had this pillow when I was a kid like think like security blanket, but it was a pillow. Okay, and My pillow was on we had this big armchair and I was like, oh
my pillows out here. Let me go get it And I walk over to get the pillow and I lift it up and the anaconda from anaconda is just like swirled up in our armchair And I flipped out and woke up and realized that was a dream, but it was so fucking real I feel like it was one of my first experiences with weirdly realistic almost lucid dreaming. Mm -hmm turn young. Yeah, well So was all the reasons that I have problems, but whatever. But yeah, so Anaconda, special place in my heart,
scared the shit out of me, but I loved it. Anyways, you keep talking now. The US Treasury introduced a redesigned $50 bill. Wow, good for them. This is a chaotic episode, I'm sorry. But one of my Hear Me Outs that I forgot that I wanted to... The Hamburglar. Interesting choice. Yeah, I know. Also, low -key kind of grimace. I'm not sure what he is, but I don't care. She's purple. I love purple. It's my favorite color. So Tinky Winky as well. My mom didn't let me watch the
Teletubbies. Oh, I love Teletubbies. She thought it was weird. I mean, correct. They are weird. Yeah. And I think she thought it would like brainwash me and make me stupid. I'm not stupid. So maybe she was right. And I'm not brainwashed. And I like Teletubbies. Who knows? We can't redo the episode. I just needed to point out the Hamburglar because, yes. And Grimace, okay. And Grimace, absolutely. And then mine's the Wiggles Tree of Wisdom. I have to add that. Understood. So,
97. US Treasury $50 bill. Good for them, I guess. Fucking. Hamilton's on the 50, right? Or no, he's on the 10. Who's on the 50? Grant. You're asking me to one name presidents. Hamilton was not a president. Fuck. Alexander Hamilton. Had a torrent affair and he wrote it down right there. Highlights. That was one of my favorite songs in Hamilton. I really like Hamilton, guys. Something you may not have known about me. You know what I love right now? Wicked. I saw it on Sunday.
Was it great? Don't tell me. I'm seeing it again on Friday. That's great. I don't know any fucking thing about it, but I do want to watch it. I started listening to the audio book. Oh, it's a book? Yeah. It came out in - I don't fucking
know. came out 95 we should have 95 we've already done 95 oh fuck well 95 wicked honorable mention the book yeah no i didn't know that yeah it was it was a book and then it became the broadway show okay in like 2000 something or other um and then now the movie i was gonna go see it when i was in new york one time but we just didn't end up i would love to see it on broadway that'd be fun Yeah, me too. I would still like to see it. But I don't know fuck about it. But I really
want to watch it. And I don't know fuck about it. I just listen to the music. I don't even know. I mean, I know some of the songs from like pop culture. But yeah, in a middle school show choir, I sang popular. Did it make you popular? No. Trying some more favorite Halloween costumes in 97. Oh shit. Batman and Robin. Love it. Tiger Woods. Garth Brooks. Country singer. He wore a black hat. Black shirt. Tucked in. Spice Girls. Spice up your life. Every boy and every girl.
Spice up your life. People of the world. Spice up your life. Somewhere to the left if you're having a good time. Check it to the right if you know that you feel fine. Check it to the front. Go round. Shit. I'm gonna just throw movies in as we go, because there are so many from 97. Okay, perfect. So keep doing your stuff, but I'm gonna just throw out movies as we go. Georgia the Jungle. fucking banger with Brendan Fraser. What a man. What a man. He's definitely my hero.
He's not even hear me out. No, he's right now. Any time, any way you want it. That's the way you need it. Good burger. Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order? Almost daily, I say I'm a dude. He's a dude. She's a dude. And we're all dudes. Yeah. Flubber. I can't speak today. I love Wobbin' Williams. When do we love Wobbin' Williams? When do we love Wobbin' so much? Also Air Bud. I never watched it. I loved it. I had a couple of Air Bud movies
on VHS. I believe it. They're still downstairs in the garage, probably. I love that for you. But I liked Air Bud. I liked basketball. I liked dogs. It was the perfect combo. Yeah. The popular baby names? Yeah. Michael. Avi. Matthew. Christopher Axe. Axe? Yeah. Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Axe, Romans, first Corinthians. Axe. Oh, you're saying A -C -T -S. I thought you were saying Axe. I was like, what kind of name is that? Do you know
how I'm just like going through it? Yeah, I was just naming the gospels though, because those aren't gospels. I'm just, you know, just all the books. All the books. Hang on. Deuteronomy. Oh, we're going old school. Okay. Corinthians. First Corinthians, second Corinthians. Exodus. Genesis. Deuteronomy? Did you already say that? I did. No. Maybe. I don't know. It's a big book. Ezekiel. Psalms. Revelations. Anyways, Christopher, Joshua. Joshua. Emily, Jessica, Ashley, and Samantha.
Emily, Jessica, Ashley? Yep. I mean, I knew a bunch of kids who had those names growing up, so that makes sense. Fashion trends? Okay, denim on denim. Oh, Canadian tucks, chokers and candies. Oh my god, yes. Both of those things. Those stood the test of time. Oh, yeah, people wear chokers. Sheer black dresses and skirts. Why do I have so many that are like 90s style that I bought when they all started coming back? Leather pants and white crop tops. Well, it was showing kind
of rocking some 90s vibes today. You got a little sheer long sleeve. black with some turtleneck and then a dress over it. A turtleneck and chain sipping on a light beer. Do you want to just go with music? Yeah. Just bang it out? Bang it out. All right. So these are the hot year end singles. You know how it goes. A lot of them might have come out the year prior, but they were still killing it. Number one back to Diana was Candle in the Wind. by Elton John, the redo
he did for that one. A lot of songs on here I don't feel comfortable saying anymore, because they were Diddy and Tori's B .I .G. songs. And, you know. Not in, yeah, that's not, it's not too bad. Allegedly not so great. Wannabe, Spice Girls. You wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends. Yup. Bitch. Semi Charmed Life by Third Eye Blind. Oh, you'll love this. This is the last song. Tub Thump and Big Chumbawumba
fan. I'm a Chumbawumba fan. Hey, thanks for listening to 30 Dirty and Dying, the show for millennials by millennials. We get real about chronic illness, burnout, nostalgia, and why we aren't exactly thriving. If that sounds like you, join us every Thursday for new episodes. Now back to the show. Today, like we said, we're doing something a little different. We're gonna take walks down memory lane and talk about what would have happened if we would have made different choices in our
lives, respectively. So I have some what if scenarios that are a little vague, but that I feel like could apply to both of us. And you guys probably know some of these. If you've listened to us for a while, we've told some of these stories. And now we're just gonna pull the thread a little bit. So I guess we'll just, we'll just go down this list and we can both say what works for us. Cool. So first one, what if we never met
our spouses slash partners? Oh, I thought you were about to say if we never met, then I would have been dead. Hold on. I wouldn't have been bored. That might come later. Okay. If I never met Mike. Yeah, you never met Mike if I never met Justin. See it can get dark real fast. Well at that point before I met Mike I had already
stopped talking to Bob Okay, good for you. And I if you're new to new here Bob is the villain Bob was the villain for way too long way too many sequels and Then I also like had already stopped talking to Lucky Charms. Oh good because he was a fucking disaster so embarrassed Anyways, I wasn't like stuck in another situation. Right? Like I actually was like, single. Yeah. Which rarity really was known me. And I was just like,
living it. Yeah. So like, I don't know. Like, I feel like if I didn't meet Mike, I would eventually met someone else and just like gone down that road. Yeah, probably. Yeah. Because like I was like, finally realizing what I deserved. Yeah, like it took a very long time. But like I was like healing myself before I even met Mike. Yeah, so which made Mike work. Yeah, because I was okay. I kind of agree with you about my situation
as well. I mean, a little different just because like, so before I met Justin, I was I had been in a couple like more serious relationships. And I'd been in a kind of long term one that ended. and I stayed single. I mean, for the most part, I've, you know, dated a little bit, but I was actively staying single for like, it was like a year. It was honestly like a good year. And I remember when I was trying to get back out there and I got the apps and I did, you know,
and I fucking hated it. And I'm sure I've told this before, like, when we've done like online dating episodes or whatever. But I when I was going to meet Justin, it was sort of a I'd sort of given myself an ultimatum. I had had a couple situation ships with the apps and I just I just hated it. And they didn't go well. And I was so sick of it. And I was realizing a lot of things about myself in that course of that year that
I was single. Because when I had been in my past relationship, it was just like I was doing so many things and on the sort of one track ride to a life that I didn't really want to have. And I didn't really understand how I got there. And it was like the how you say you're finding yourself. Yeah, I don't know if I was finding myself like my core self. But I was finding out what I wanted in life and what I really didn't. Yeah. It seemed a little unconventional because
I sort of just went along to get along. And that's
how I ended up in those past situations. So realizing that I hated dating and I hate sucks dating sucks I hated it and I also didn't feel the need to like settle just so I would have a boyfriend right or have someone for lack of a better term pick me and you know I think we all went through a phase some worse than others but we all went through a phase where it was like that it was like me love me choose me like because there was this even if you were one of the more like,
whatever quote unquote confident people. There was this unspoken societal thing about like, but if you can't find a boyfriend, there's something wrong with you. And I think when I was much younger, I think I sort of maybe fell into that a little bit. And I was realizing coming out on the other side, like I don't give a fuck if I ever find a boyfriend again. So when I met Justin I sort of was giving myself an ultimatum after these really bad experiences like if this dude doesn't
work out I'm done for now. Yeah, I feel no Pain about that, right? I don't feel like a failure.
I don't feel like a Not good enough. I I don't want to keep going because I hate this and I'm not gonna just settle for some fucking guy Who I don't even like Want to I'm either want to be with somebody who I really like and enjoy spending time with them Or I don't want to be with anybody and that's fine So I really think if I hadn't met him or if something had happened where we had not pursued a relationship I Think
I'd probably be single. I think I'd probably be full -blown spinster and love in every second of it I love every second of my life now don't get it twisted like I love that we ended up together and it worked but I think the reason it worked is because I was making peace with myself that like I don't need this, I can enjoy this if it works out. And if he's the right guy. And when I was making that ultimatum, it wasn't like if
he's my forever person. I just meant like, if this one last maybe doesn't work out, I'm done. I didn't know he was gonna end up being the person. I'm glad he was. But if he hadn't been... Same same outcome. I would have probably stayed single for a while. Maybe I would have never ever maybe I would have ended up with Joshua and Then gotten divorced hopefully. I know I didn't like him either. Well, I mean the thing is though like
since I had Been with Mike. Yeah and had that type of relationship and then like we broke up and then I Ended up with like Joshua for a while. Yeah, which was complete opposite. Yeah I feel like if I didn't have the microrelationship at all, that would have been fine. Yeah, because you wouldn't have known that it's not what you wanted. Right. Yeah. I would have been like, this is good. He treated me well. I loved his
family. Right. Everything was good. So then let's keep going with that because I have another question that sort of vibes. I mean, no guarantees. I also probably would have still fucked with John. What do you think would have happened if you would have married or ended up with someone else from your past? like one of your past relationships. Which one? I don't know. This is open ended for you. You want me to go through all of them? Every
single one? I don't know. But if you want to talk about Joshua, if you want to talk about another one, just someone else from the past. And I don't know, interpret that however you want. I mean, whichever the one was most likely maybe. I mean, if I ended up with Bob, I would have been miserable with probably a kid, you know? Or several. Anyways. Yeah. So, you know.
What about Joshua? Because that was your most recent other serious relationship before you and Mike got back together and was like, this is it. So that was the most likely to have gone the distance. So what do you think would have happened there? And that's after knowing that maybe you guys didn't vibe the way you thought
you would. Either either I would have come to the conclusion that it wouldn't have worked out Yeah, the same way like maybe like I wouldn't have had Like Mike is a reference of a type of relationship. Well, maybe you did I mean this could also be that you and Mike broke up and never back together and you just stayed with Joshua Maybe I would have like I don't know like I know that's the fun of this Yeah, cuz I feel like I like was finally being an adult about
things. Yeah and realized in myself that I would have treated him wrong. Yeah, so you feel like to think you would have made I would have I think, I think regard like, like, take Mike, I have to take Mike out of the situation. Yeah, because with this line, because with this line, I would have done the same thing. Yeah. So if I never met Mike, and I never had that type of relationship, and I stayed like, and I because like, I've known Joshua for a long time for years. So like, I
feel like that could have still happened. Yeah, but maybe at some point you would have realized this isn't for me. Maybe I would have or maybe I'd have been like, this is great. Like, this is the first like healthy relationship that I've had. Yeah. Because it would have been. Yeah. And his family loved me. And I loved them. Probably would have just stayed. See, that makes me sad. But I know him. So that feels sad. But he wasn't bad. I know. I just think he was weird. But that's
just me. Probably being a bitch. and a lover and a child and a mother, you know. He's not a bad dude. He's a nice guy. And he was a good boyfriend. Yeah. So you think if you had still met Mike, but you guys just didn't get back together, you might have stayed. And maybe at some point realize I probably would have still realized later, maybe not as soon. Maybe not as soon. But I mean, the thing is, though, like, like
Mike and I were still like friends. Yeah, like we still talked because like things were going on with like my grandma. and things were going on with his grandparents and we were just checking in with each other. Yeah. But it was all service level conversation and we had no intention like we were both with other people we had no intentions. Yeah. So it like it wouldn't have had to do with
him necessarily. No. But that's what I mean about like if you would have even if you wouldn't have had the point of reference for my the relationship you had had with Mike previously, I feel like there might have still been a way that you found, hey, this doesn't work for me. Maybe because like you said, you were already sort of getting into knowing yourself a little bit more even prior to so who knows what that level of self
discovery would look like. But I feel like if I would have kept the relationship with him, Mike never would have been able to be in the So if it would have happened the way it happened the way it really happened like you were with Mike you guys broke up Then you end up with Joshua. Mm -hmm. It probably wouldn't have gone Even if you would have married him and gone for a while. I probably would have married him Well,
that's the question though. If you married someone else well Well, if I married John, okay, then I would be a widow Spoiler alert. Well speaking of um, I only had one other like really serious really that not I've had other relationship, but what I'm saying is, I had one that was sort of on the brink of marriage. I didn't get engaged. It was like engaged to be engaged kind of deal.
Thank God that didn't work out. Yes. Um, I'll just say right now and I'm not going to go into a ton of detail because I don't want people to call numbers or anything. I'm fine. But I wouldn't still be here. Like if if I had married him and and had the What everyone expected you to have and continue to go along to get along like I don't think I would have made it I'm not saying he would have killed me or anything I'm just saying I don't think that I could have made it
through that with my sanity, right? Things are really bad for a while there and You know, I had this like I remember this when it was we were talking about depressive episodes at the beginning One of the worst ones I ever had was just a little bit before things really like hit the fan with that relationship. And it was like, I mean, I lost a job because I couldn't get out of bed and go to work like it was, it was pretty bad. And it was before like things had started
to really happen. So it was just all it felt like it was all internal. But it was after I quote unquote, got better, you know, because I'd had my like, cute little mental breakdown. A year or two early things having a breakdown. And you know, I went to therapy and got diagnosed and did the work. Like with people who don't have a lot of experience with mental health. And at the time I didn't and my family and friends
did not either. You just think it's like going to get medicine from a doctor and you'll be fine. And sometimes it can be that for people. Sometimes it's not. But I was certainly more stable and like good and not, you know, worrying people every second. And then I slipped into this depressive episode after all that. So I was like, okay, well, it's it's not that stuff. So what the fuck is going on? And obviously, you don't need a reason to be depressed if you have that issue.
But I don't know, I just felt like something was really off in my life. And I remember this moment where I was in the middle of one of those really bad episodes. And I was just like laying in bed in the house that we've lived in together.
Don't want to say like I had a vision or like I'm fucking that's a raven I don't mean it like that But I just had this moment of whatever you want to call it whether it was something like that or whether it was just like a really sharp moment of clarity Where I just kind of saw my life if we did those things like we went through with getting married and having kids and doing the whole shebang and It was just like this You won't make it You can't handle that. That's not
the life that you're supposed to have. You can't live through this. I could see, once you've been in a certain place in your life, you can see how you could go back, you know? And it was like seeing how I could go back. And I was just like, I can't do this. This isn't the life I'm supposed to have. I need to get out. Yeah. Now, I wish I had taken that and hopped out of bed and ran
with it that day. I did not. But it's never left me you know and eventually I did get out and So yeah, I really think that I wouldn't I don't think I'd be here And this podcast wouldn't exist true that they really wouldn't yeah, that just wasn't the life for me It's not necessarily about
him or anything like that. I mean some of it might be maybe he was an asshole Maybe I was an asshole, but overall it's more that wasn't the life for me and it wasn't good for me and what I need from just life in general or a partner or a situate like it just wasn't right yeah and I almost you know I was going full steam ahead for a lot of years so just because I don't know it was like it was you know the self -driving cars I have now yes it was like if you were in
a self -driving car and you fell asleep and the car drove you into the fucking forest and then you wake up in the forest some indeterminate amount of time later and you're like why are we here how did we get here what's going on and the car won't answer because it's dead and you're just like what the fuck do i do now how would i get out of the forest why am i even here that was the level of like once i Came to in my life after having some mental health stuff. I was
like man. How do I get in this forest? Yeah, it was like waking up in a forest. It was crazy Yeah, just like making a bunch of decisions that I would have never probably made in my right mind. I Probably would have felt more pressure to have a kid that too because it was like we already we were it was obvious We were going to have kids like five That's horrible. Was going to get legally married. That's five too many. Was going to get legally married. Had to have
a wedding, per his request. I was like, if we're gonna get married, can't we just go down to the port? No! He needed to have his day. Okay, next one. Hadn't started the podcast. I don't know, I probably would just cry every day. I think so too. I really enjoy it. It gives me a lot of fulfillment. I do a lot of the like creative stuff with it and that you know, scratches my creative itch or at least one of them. I have
several very itchy. Um, yeah, I'm very itchy and it scratches all my itches, or at least a few and but also I think I have so many like friends that I still love and am cool with but we don't hang out very much like I just saw my friend Liz. And we were like trying to make dinner plans and we did I was like it's been like a year So maybe and we live closer than we ever and we're both stable now. So there's really no excuse We just suck but I feel like we'd be
doing that. I feel like we wouldn't be as close. Yeah, we are Yeah, I agree because we we see each other a lot and we make time that it's hard to Make time as grown -ups. It is it is it's hard like even like I'm a And I'm a horrible communicator. That too. In general. So like, hey, you want to hang out Saturday and then you text me in three weeks. Like, sorry, I'm busy now. I can't. If you if you asked me about a specific date, I would respond timely. Sometimes.
I do. I totally forgot I was supposed to come to your house the other night and text you two days later. I was like, so I didn't come on Wednesday. So we both do it. But that's what I mean. That's how it is. Yeah. Yeah. We try to do like non podcast hangouts, it's so much harder. Yeah. But also, I think it's made it easier at the same time. Because we, we actively separate that time, like we're friends, and we do the podcast stuff. And we get to do both a lot, which is
awesome. But we make We try to make time. Yeah, we definitely try to make time because like we don't want our friendship just to be podcast. Yeah, because I think we are both trying harder than we normally would have to make sure that we have that friendship time. And it's not just podcast. Yeah, you're like one of the most important people in my life now. Oh, you really are. I mean, you know, I don't have that many people.
So don't get crazy. I mean, same. But like, I, you really are one of the most important people in my life. I talk about you a lot. I reference like conversations we have a lot on the internet and off. Yeah, I was actually just talking about you today at work. Yeah, I was suggesting last night. I was like, Courtney would know about something. I don't know what it was. But I was like, Courtney would know for sure. And I almost texted you but like she won't answer. I might
have. Well, you just give it a try. I think the podcast has been our friendship stronger. And it's been seems like it's been fulfilling for both of us. So what if you had pursued a different career? So whatever was the most like Realistic version of that for you. So what you were gonna be in what if you were a social worker like your degree? I would have been so depressed. Let's talk about it. That's One I wouldn't have any money because they don't make money true that
I Would have been burnt out. I would have been stressed all the time. I would I mean is this fucking clay about us Sounds kind of like I would have been so much worse worse. Yeah, I would have been so much because I feel like do you
think because the emotional investment? Yes, because I just know that the whole reason I didn't go into social work is because I know my personality Yeah, and how I just like hold on to things you're very empathetic very empathetic and I would have been burnt out so quick because I just would have been Like fully dialed in. Yes, and I could not do that. Yeah, so if I did do that, I probably would have already quit. Yeah And maybe I'd be
at the movie theater. I don't know. Because I thought about pre -COVID, like the end of 2019, I was looking at jobs. I remember one of the few times we actually talked before all this started. I remember you telling me that you were like looking for... Yeah, because there's like an assistant manager job at the one nearby. Yeah. And I'm like... Should I do it? I was like, I don't know. Man, this is sad. And then 2020 happened and like theaters closed. I'm like, I'm so glad
I didn't do that. Yeah, it would have been fucked out. Yeah. Well, I'm glad it worked out the way it did. I think I mean, I was always going into journalism. So it's like, I think my version of this is if I had stayed a journalist, and I don't know, I don't think it would be going well. It was very, I was I was Okay at it near
the end. I got kind of shitty at it because I was so tired Mm -hmm, and it burnt me out really fat like you were saying with if you had become a social worker I was so burnt out and part of the reason I kept trying to leave was because I Wanted to have some sort of balance in my life that I knew didn't exist Yeah, and I still struggle with it sure but like I'm much better at it not in that field So I don't know how I would have been able to maintain my relationship I feel
like I feel like I wouldn't have. Yeah. I feel like it wouldn't look like it does now. Like we have a real like proper partnership and a home together and a life and I feel like we might either have kept doing that like not necessarily long distance but some version of that like just hooking up when we could kind of deal. I mean not just sexually but just being in a sort of removed relationship. Yeah. Or we wouldn't be
in a relationship at all. I also don't think I would have felt as empowered to pursue some of the creative stuff that I've been able, like my writing, like my book that was out and now isn't. I don't know, maybe I'll read another one. I'm working on it. But to even do that and to do something like the podcast and I don't think I would have ever felt like I had the time or the creative energy to do that. Yeah, especially like if you're editing and doing things with
like all day. And it's a noble field to be in if you're doing it right. I don't mean it like that. It just... I think it would have had some real big impacts on my day to day. Would you want more? Sure. One more. Had a falling out with a close friend. Could be me. Could be someone else. I mean, I don't even know who. I mean, I have had falling outs with friends. One of
my other ones. Well, one that you haven't. Or if you want to flip it on its head and say you didn't have a falling out with the person that you've had falling out with. I don't know. I mean, one friendship that like, I wouldn't, it's... It's not like it was a falling out to where like, we were like angry at each other for any reason. No, we just like stopped. Yeah, because I knew that it was she came to me for reasons, and not necessarily. Right. I mean, some friendship,
but like, she only like, talk to me. If someone else wasn't talking to her. Yeah, your second choice. Yes. And I that would just If I didn't stop trying, if I maintained that type of friendship, it just still would be back and forth. Yeah. No, I totally get what you're saying. So what about if you had had a falling out with a close friend that you consider a close friend today? I don't know. That's hard because like, I don't
know. What if we had a falling out? Then I'd be sad and I wouldn't be able to like talk a lot. like on a podcast. Yeah, it'd be a bummer. It would be a bummer. But like I already like don't talk to like anyone. So it's so hard. Like I would be sad like if something happened to where like we stopped talking like, yeah, I'd be really sad because like you're my best friend. But at the same time, I also still don't talk
to people. Yeah, so different than like having a falling out when you're younger because like your whole day to day life Yeah, cuz like I if if I didn't have a friend like if I had a falling out with a friend in high school Yeah, I see them every day there would be my friends versus your friends. Yeah drama Yeah, but like as an adult like it just like I'd be sad and I'd be like man this sucks But I still would keep going
because like yeah, is it there is no drama. I'm not gonna like there's no issues with it like we're fucking adults I can't even think of something that would happen right now for us to have like a real proper I can see maybe we have a disagreement or something but like this it's one of those things that it just doesn't feel like there's as much like you said the drama thing happening there is no drama like I mean we're adults and we can like if we're having an issue we know
how to communicate Like we'll just talk about it, which we do all the time. Like you said, I've got my friend who I'm really close to and we've never had a falling out. We've had times where we've not talked very much and whatever, but it's never been aggressive. And I still only probably see her once a year just because life is nuts. So some of it, I think you're right, wouldn't be that noticeable. I do think though, if you and I had had a falling out before and
we weren't friends now. You're like the you're like my last like friend from like the movie theater days And I still talk to a lot like I'm so cool with some people like if they called me I'd answer it's not like that Yeah, but there's not that active like tie like you know not to be too on brand but nostalgic kind of kind of tie I wouldn't really have that with that group. Yeah, and that was such a pivotal part of my life. I feel like like yeah So it was like our
second home our second family. Yeah, so I wouldn't be able to really like reminisce in the same way I don't think and it maybe wouldn't feel as as Good and like, you know warm fuzzy feeling around that time and in Our lives, I don't know who else I would talk to cuz I don't thanks. Yeah I don't think I'd be feeling the same feels the same nostalgic feels and then why the fuck
would I create a nostalgic podcast? Well, we hope you guys have enjoyed this ghost of Christmas pasting walk down memory lane and us kind of talking about what could have been some good, some bad, some just whatever. Yeah. Life's all about choices. You know, so we get it. We've made choices that have led us here. We'll make more that'll lead us to whatever's next on our 30 journey. Dysentery? Who knows? The organ drill? We could make that choice. What's an organ? Good
beer. A lot of hipsters. I want to go to Massachusetts. I want to go to Maine, because I hear it's based on the novel by Stephen King. I'm like a Maine lobster roll? And I'm like, murder. Maine murder. But also Salem, yes. I want to go to Salem so bad. Me too, I'll go with you. We should plan a girls trip to Salem. Another what could have been, because if we would have been born then and there, we would have been burnt at the stake.
For sure. For sure. Yeah, so we could have. We'll continue this episode in Salem and see what our trial would have looked like. We love you guys. We've got our season finale coming up next week, so make sure you are tuned in for that and follow us on all the things at 30 Dirty and Dying. Anything else to say, Courtney? Happy holidays, everyone. Happy holidays. Yeah, we'll have our quote unquote holiday episode next week as our finale. Can't wait. Jingle jangle. Jingle all the way. Jingle
all the way. Bye guys. Bye! It's turbo time!