Ep 6: The Guy With The Terrible Profile

This show contains adult material and swearing.

You have been warned.

I think a lot of people don't know what they're like is the problem? So I mean, who does I did?

I mean, have you listened to yourself? Listened to yourself as entire day?

Yeah? I'm really annoying, That's all I know. Look having me, I'm a savage. Are you bored of modern dating?

Meeting the same people from the same apps in the same bar You've only chosen because it's close to your house and you can make your usual quick getaway. It's time to change the narrative on how we find love. It's time to start looking for love in all the wrong places. I'm going on a wild dating adventure, only picking people who are the total opposite of my type. And after twenty eight of these dates in two months, will I find that special someone?

Or Well?

This experiment proved that I should just give up on dating altogether. It's time to find out. I'm Grace Campbell and this is twenty eight dates later.

Hi, Dan, Hi, you need to say hi Grace.

Okay, Hi Grace. Well, we ty of feeling.

Don't say it like you want me to die?

Well, don't direct me I need to say hello.

The first line of the script.

It's not scripted scripted podcast.

Dan, It says Dan, say hi Grace, So Grace says Hi Dan, Hi Grace.

Dan. Can I ask your question?

So, when you're on dating apps, what are the biggest things that like will be a complete no, Like I'm not going to meet with you.

Well, when people try to be funny and they're not funny, I kind of hate that, But I'm not that funny in my dating app. I've got like one joke.

Really I can't believe that.

Actually maybe I am, but like I've got one joke that I say always. You know that one of the questions on it, hine or something, it's like, what is your like pet hate? And I always say my pet hate is when my pets hate me more than I love that because it's not like too much, but it's just enough.

I don't know what.

Like a lot of men like have dating I think this is maybe more the straight man. Like when I see like four of the five photos of them skiing with like a big ski mask on, and I'm like, maybe if we can't see your face, like that's so stupid, like three quarters of your face is gone.

But obviously they're hiding their faces because they're ugly.

Now, but sometimes they're not. But I think sometimes people just don't think this through, like they think that.

I think sometimes men don't have pictures of themselves.

I think that's the thing.

One of the deals, and I broke up with my ex boyfriend, like one of the sort of like statement deals was that he'd never put any pictures I took of him on Hinge and he was like, but I have no other pictures.

All the pictures I have a pictures you dogging me.

I was like, well, my r is not allowed on your Hinge profile because I don't want to be on Hinge and bump into my pictures.

Or at least I right, like curated by Grace Campbell, Yeah, taken by or on cumbers. What else do I hate?

So me and Holly have this.

Ongoing argument because Holly thinks if somebody has a dating app profile and they have no pictures of them with

When they then got a photo and it's with someone else, but they put like an emoji of their face because.

It's like their X.

I actually keep seeing that on just cop it just don't use it.

Wait, sorry, you were dating an emoji? What is this?

It's so embarrassing.

So I went on a date this week with the guy who profile on a dating app was bad for various reasons. I mean, he barely had any pictures of himself, Like he's only got three pictures of himself, and he looks weirdly, like really different in each picture.

Yeah, that is a red flower.

And then in the writing, it says, let's vibe and have fun looking something casual, let's go on a quote unquote capital letters date meaning quote unquote dick at the end, which I kind of love, but I kind of vibe that. Yeah, I think that's really funny. Like when do you think he thought of that? And he was like, oh my god, I'm so clever.

Yeah, yeah, well no, you know he's like seen it somewhere else. Surely you think he's made that.

You never know. He's a creative, he's in the creative industry. He had a good chat though, I.

Mean he's a little bit like a good chat.

Well we'll come on to this.

But after the date, he tried to take me to see the Wagatha Christie play.

Okay, absolutely dead? Was he there? Like? Was he like? D y c WP? Do you come?

I can't do it?

This is what most trying to say.

I can't catching dyslexia is what I think.

Oh your wordsmith?

How are you? How was your day that? It was good as all right?

It was, it was calm. I'm emotional designer, so I was just like emotion wrap designer. So I did like two D three animation the same ship, different.

Days, really enthusiastic about it.

Do I tak?

So?

How long we've been doing that? How long we hate to learn to learn?

I've been learning since I was a kid, like I dyslexia?

So did you always like do art?

Yeah?

I I always wanted to do art, like reading, It's not my first anchorage, like yeah whatever, But It's just like when I meet people. It took me some time to actually understand a lot of people where body language is always a bitter thing for me as a kid. So I can understand someone how they act, how.

They their body languages. Okay, the way the eyes are, how do you read my body language?

Can't collect of chill in?

You have fun?

They like, maybe I could be at hook.

No, I don't feel that. As long as I've got my dog with me, I'm very happy.

Okay.

Well, firstly, reading is in anyone's first language. You know that that doesn't actually make sense.

So yeah, I had to I feel like I had to ask him like loads of questions on the actual day.

Yeah, he sounds quite nervous, to be honest, he's got like thin.

I thought he was quite calm just reading.

Body language right now. You seemed quite calm. That's like, well, you might want to say, how.

Did he go from talking about his dyslexia to how he reads body language? Like reading is not my first language, but.

Languages he was like it took a while.

I think at the beginning, I feel like he didn't really know what he was there for. But then I feel like over time he thought, Actually, I quite like obviously only human.

But the thing is, if you look at his profile, he's only like prepping for the end, like he's actually profile he's just like, I know, I'm going to give you a dick at the end of the day, but the beginning of the day, I'm going to try and read your language.

You're like, I'm going to try and read your language and give you like below average chat.

Do you know what average chat?

The chat has to be good if when.

Someone can't hear you being ironically enjoy it?

Do I?

No?

No? So what's your like? What's your vibe?

What are you into? Like?

Do you watch comedy? Do you like Sunday?

I feel like anyone does.

Everyone was like comedy?

Is that not a thing?

No? I didn't really watch that.

On the side to do it, I'm a very well known comedian.

Is Instagram follow you back?

Okay?

Are you trying to go to me.

Or me on today?

Yeah?

Okay, you've just rejected me.

But sure.

There is zero vibe on this day.

It feels like zero vibe firstly, or so, what is this product placement of yourself?

Oh my god, well, I'm the I'm the worst person in the world. But with this whole process.

Yeah, the thing that has bothered me is the amount of people who come on the date and pretend like they haven't googled me before doing it. There is not a fucking chance in the world that I would go on a date with someone for a podcast being recorded and not look up the person before.

What if they're like a Nazi? Like do you know what I mean? You need to know? Like if I'm like a fucked up person.

I love that if there was ant scene the like, so watch the vibe, Nazis.

So watch your vibe.

Real general comedy girls of curly hair.

Grace Hamil, do you follow me just on Instagram?

Like, I'll follow you back for like two.

I'm still following him?

Is it?

I'm still following him?

I sometimes I have to go for like a little purge, right, Like I go through who I'm following them, They're like, why why do I know?

I follow like two thy five hundred people?

Like I just follow people like really fucking Lilly, And then and then I'll be like looking at someone's stories and I'll.

Be like, who the fuck is that? Like why am I following this random girl with like four.

Hundred followers I met like once in a bathroom, like I don't want to see your holiday content.

That was me, that is you.

I muted you. Do you ever get into like arguments of people one days?

I've never gone argument really.

So many arguments and I'm just kind of all over the place.

Look at my hair.

Yeah, I used to say that back in the day. Like people will ask me like like oh, kind of a cigarette? It's like okay, roll like you used to have like dreads and ship or like do I have dress for nothing? Now there's like yeah, last.

Year, what made you want to do it?

Just knew me for like eight years.

Wow, they're like it.

And then I was on the day that the majority of the girls were like, oh, Dreads, are you gonna g back?

Love the dreads love me.

Honestly, I'm sorry, I feel like I actually am hating myself on this day.

This podcast isn't about cutting.

Down yourself, I know, but I have to acknowledge with the audience that I'm aware that I'm quite annoying, Like do you know what I mean? Like I laugh at absolutely everything anyone says.

We need just to feel annoying.

Yeah, but we also need to like stop propping men up so much.

I mean, nothing was funny, and I'm laughing to make him feel good. And that's why he felt like the date was going well because I was laughing everything he was saying.

But the thing is is like men just need to learn that, like they aren't funny.

At all, not even remotely, not one. No. I mean, was the last time a man made me laugh Jim.

Carrey in the Mask when I was a kid. Rob Williams. Williams started it for everyone.

There was not not a single man who's made me laugh since Robin Williams died. Anyway, I feel like this is the one where I'm really gonna analyze myself more because he's not giving me much materials.

Well, it's not spiral, it's my ration in my face making me spiral. What had quite a lot.

Actually, like I get in fights. I got in fight like two days ago in the shelter charity shop. I was there with the dog and the woman said I could take the dog into the changing room.

Come out of the change room.

Obviously, Eddie, like the tinest little dog in the world, came the change room. This woman weighing in the queue was like and I was like, you're right. She was like, well, I'm not going to go into a change room that the dog has just been in. And I was like, okay, well that's ridiculous, like she's a very well a waved dog, she hasn't done a ship in there. And then the woman made the volunteer clean the changing room before she

A charity shops is like smelly, do you know what I mean?

Washed?

Washed?

My dog has?

You're putting on the stench of a dead person.

Yeah, and then you're angry at my cove looking Charles Maniel.

I always get like a bit like testy chatty shops when like I get something that's like for a woman, and then the employees that're like this is for a woman, and I'm like, yeah, you got an issue.

That's actually wild, that's actually wild.

Yeah, like maybe they're just saying, like you six foot five, like bloke body person, This little shimmy's little blouse is not going to fit.

Yeah, you're like it's a crop.

Y're like, you keep coming in and ripping all the female clothes. Just stop thinking you've got.

Body just morphy in the way that you think you're five for five Smith Spoon type.

You ain't you Wait.

Anyway, people always see me as well. They're like, I forget you're so tall, And I'm like, do I give off small person energy?

No you don't, but do I know? I feel like I give off such particua.

Wait, sorry, yeah you did?

Wait where's so?

I asked him how the dating apps were going for him with his profile being what is confident outlandish?

I think a mattress.

This one girl called Gabby and I was like, Gabby the baddie. What you're saying?

It takes some time word to reply.

She did reply, Yeah, we just she was a kiss. She's in a media as well.

I thought she gonna be funny.

Really yeah, I was making her laugh.

I was like, really making me laugh?

Are you okay?

Judge?

The thing is right.

It's like, I mean, if someone was like Gabby the baddie. I'm like, okay, we've got a poet on her hands with that rhyming scheme.

Like that isn't that isn't so short?

With your dyslexia, do you have like a funny opener.

On a dating app? No? I never start a conversations started.

I just I can't be bothered. I'm always like, hi, how are you? When people are like message you and they're like Mary kills shags, that's funny.

I'll do all three to all three.

So we were.

Talking about our types, and I was trying to figure out if he was like my usual type. Do you like watch a lot of football, watch like a big Arsenal fan or.

Like a half ast Arsenal.

I'm notreave, like I don't watch so much football.

Craved guys, do you think?

Really?

Yeah, that's another one of my types. Prefers themselves as creatives. I used to go out of a guy who was a creative right.

And whenever he was what was his job?

He wasn't even a creative. He was like a music manager. But it's not really, you're the manager, not the creative, do you know what I mean?

World?

That's true, but so do we I don't refer to myself as a creative. Is what is the biggest it for me? When people call themselves creatives.

But when you just said that that's one of your TOI.

Yes, because it is.

It gives you're an it well, because I always.

I always get with people and then I'm like, oh fuck. And then I'll hear them referring to themselves as creative and I'm like, fuck, I'm already trapped. But he whenever, like i'd call him out on anything, he'd be like, Babe, I'm a creative what are you talking. I remember there was a week where he said we had sex too much and because he was coming too much, he was losing his creative energy ian and so he was like, sorry, we can't have sex this week.

And I was like, well get out.

Wait. So he can't manage musicians because he's came too.

Much, because he's come too hard.

Yeah, that's actually ridiculous. It was ridiculous, really hard to get my musicians gigs because I'm empty and come sack. I remember one time I spoke to this guy who's like a bit like holistic and spiritual, and I said that, like, I wake up and the like when I wake up is when I would like masturbate. I was feeling horney, like I always feel hornis in the morning. It's like terrible to date me because like as I wake up and I'm like, let's have sex, and like I really

But he was like, I never come.

I keep that energy. Yeah, but that's a reason orgasmic state. But like I never released them.

But that is the whole thing.

Men, like spiritual men, a lot of them believe that like when you come, you're losing a lot of your like healing energy.

Baby, then I'm going to die soon because my god, drained no healing energy. No.

But it's also just fucking like embarrassing because it's like, again, you have no healing energy. Whether or not you're coming makes no difference. Your energy is horrific to be around, you know what I mean, Like there's always people like that that have bad fucking vibes.

I don't know you've been hanging out with.

Oh my god, Yeah, but he comes all the time. This has been a good day, I hope.

So up or not?

No, I'm not.

What's the number I'm gonna get a number?

Is that?

Okay?

My number?

Okay? So if you found your soul mate, is he the one? Methinks no, Yeah, I don't think so either. He's cute though there's a vibe there, but like he's not. I don't think he's enough of a vibe for you. No good look in your life, sir. I hope great things come to you. Dick at the end, why not Dick at the start? Why not Dick in the middle.

It was good.

I did attracted and he was very attractive, and he was really tall, and I definitely enjoyed the day, but there was like that sort of flirty vibe completely missing. Right, I'm not not having a good time. But when I look into your eyes, I don't want to fuck you.

Yeah, And I think it's that thing was interested to listen back to be Like reading his profile, I was like, it's kind of confident, but like the thing that's maybe like the disparity is being like I expect.

That kind of level of like confidence when you're a day yeah, but it's like you know when you're messaging someone before you meet them and they're like giving it all and then you meet them and then you're like, oh, your chat is dead flying with me, but you've been like sexting me for a week because that's.

Oh baby, oh my god. I remember I was like chatting to this guy and it was like literally just all sex. It was like so hot, and like then when we met up, I was like I would rather be with like a cardboard cut out of Ronald McDonald, Like there is no vibe. There is no vibe, or like how do you sex so well? Like how you like you should go into a rottica like my mom would read a book that you wrote.

Story like that to me, vibe serial killer really bugs me out when someone's like one thing on text and then a completely differing when you meet that.

But then the whole thing is like you just have to sell yourself and the reality of yourself, you know what I mean, Like you don't.

Have you have to be realistic about what you're like. But I think a lot of people don't know what they're like.

Is a problem. So I mean, who does I do? I mean, have you listened to yourself? Listened to yourself this entire day?

Yeah, I'm really annoying, That's all I know. I'm realistic.

Next time on twin eight dates later, how do you actually have time to be seeing five different people? And like, you know what when you saying this, I only looked at his photos and that's why I was shocking. You're like, he's got five griffins and then you just scrolled in and realize that his pronaiins are he him?

You? Your mom?

Oh my girls around for me?

I'm a savage. They can help it.

Twenty eight Dates Later is produced by Novel for iHeartRadio.

For more from Novel, visit novel dot Audio.

The series is presented by me Grace Campbell with help from Roz Purcell and Dan Why.

The producer is Diggory Way. The executive producer is Claire Broughton. Our editors are Mithily Raw and Max O'Brien.

Production management from Shari Houston and Charlotte Wall. Willard Foxton is our creative director of Development.