Ep 4: The Wine Connoisseur

This show contains adult material, references to drugs and swearing. You have been warned.

Wait, I finally now understand why you bought a dog is so that you can far a dates and play it. Oh my god, my dog despired by the way that was my dog around me. I'm a savage.

Are you bored of modern dating meeting the same people from the same apps in the same bar You've only chosen because it's close to your house and you can make your usual quick getaway. It's time to change the narrative on how we find love. It's time to start looking for love in all the wrong places. I'm going on a wild dating adventure, only picking people who were the total opposite of my type. And after twenty eight of these dates in two months, will I find that

I mean, the phrase caved in is actually perfect, because if we ever got together, it'd be you pegging me so.

The guy I went on a date with this week right, refers to himself as a wine coloisseur.

Can we get a paramedic please? Is there a paramedic here?

There is nothing more ick to me than people referring to themselves and as a connossturt of anything but mainly wine.

Unless you won number one in the world. Even then, I mean it is gross. Get a job. It's like my mum would be like, I'm a wine connoisseur and you're like, now you're an alcoholic perfect exactly. Yeah, just just be open about it.

Because he was also like thirty, so it's like, don't think you're a bit young to be like going around like that. Like I love it when I meet like like an old like kind of overweight man who like loads everything about wine and smokesloads that cigar exactly.

Maybe I remember one time I was in this en pub and Shrewsbury and the guy that owned it was just like very posh man who would walk around with like a glass of like murlow and a cigar and his head. But how was the food that amazing?

That's amazing. But you're a thirty year old man who lives in Homerton, East London. I was like, so, what wine do you want? And he was like, we're just like in apart and I'm not sure they're going to have like the natural wines that I go for. So then didn't get wine because he was so upset about like the low quality of one. And then I once stated a guy who used to talk about Natty wine. He used to go, you know, it's wine with the skin on.

What is that for me?

Well, it means the grape, the skin hasn't been taken off of the grape. But obviously it just sounds weirdly sexual.

Is it not just some like Italian wine maker with hairy toes mushagan in a barrel.

Well maybe natty wine is like somebody who moisturizes their feet with the body shot.

Yeah, I'm getting notes of them.

I'm getting some share moisture. So so you in into wine.

So yeah, it's just like one of those things.

I can be a bit nerdy that.

Yeah. I feel like working in wine kind of ruined my ability to drink wine. I worked in a wine shop in North London, just like selling wine, which I got into for really slightly esoteric reasons. I was like yeah, the philosophy of flavor is really interesting. But I also I just really like drinking wine, so yeah, it was fun.

I don't want to shore on someone for their passion. But you worked at the longest three months. You worked at the lottest for three moments.

And then you tried to tell the via because you had a philosophy of flavor.

Yeah, you're like, well, actually the Batho Rose is the best, which actually spoiler alert for wine. No, I can't shit on a passion. But sometimes you do sound a bit douchey, I guess, but like a girl's gotta know what a girl's got to like, you know.

Yeah, I mean it was more I don't care for people who like are so obsessed with food and so obsessed with wine, and so I don't like it. I think there's like a snobbery around it, and I just don't care. I just can't relate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's.

Kind of I just even in that clip, can hear myself switching off a bit, like when he said he worked in a wine shop. I feel like, because I know, I'm sure my cousin worked in that wine shop. I'm sure of it because as well. No, no, no, no, but she just worked in this wine shop in Islington, which is I'm sure I just had a guidance think that that was the one. But I was like, I'm not even gonna ask him.

I mean, it's not like a great topic of conversation, like what you're you going to talk about? The notes, the flavors.

That's what I don't like, Like, that's that's more what was like kind of jarring and imagining him in a wine bar. Yeah, talking about wine.

But it's also like if if I'm on a date and I'm hoffing, it's not the wine, it's the coke and the toilet.

Well, you're like a snob about coke.

Will give me a back go down.

To like the old Irish pa and you're like do you know what, Like this is exactly where I would take coke.

Thank you, Yeah, but like, well, actually I studied under Pablo Escobar and I know good coke, and this is cat this is like I.

Have an episode.

I'm going to ask you what you did. I'm alsoeing a level with you and say I know who you are.

That's fine.

I don't know if.

That's more normal than pretending you don't. If you did do you like comedy?

I do?

Like, yeah, that's good, take the truth sociopath and not I.

Yes, yeah, I me and my friends theoretically try and write stuff, but I'm very bad at it. Right what at the moment? A novel about someone who is both learning that they aren't going to inherit a house from their family at the same time as ending a relationship. And then also there's a bit of a subplot where like people start melting in the street, which I haven't figured out, like or not?

Are you into like sci fi?

Yeah?

What is that genre? Yeah?

Not like blokes with laser guns sci fi? But like, I quite like you're just like weird and interesting ideas.

My dog's just parted, by the way, it wasn't me.

It hasn't reached me.

Yeah that is disgusting.

Yeah wait, I finally now understand why you bought a dog is so that you can fight on dates and blame it on her. Oh my god, my dog just fired, by the way, that was my dog. Oh my god, it smells like beef.

No, if I fired on a day, I would say that I'd fired.

No, you wouldn't, I would you.

I genuinely would.

Yeah, because actually you can't run away from your farts.

Yeah, exactly awesome, But my farts taste very they taste, they smell like inherently vegetarian, like.

Your Your farts are so thick when people smell them, they can't help but be like have synesthesia, Like it's two is two senses. You taste it and you smell it. That's how thick they are. Yeah, like I've got synesthesia. Just some sitting there you and you fire and like it also because you just shut yourself.

We were talking about how like small the dating pool is in London in that I always, whenever I'm getting with someone I like, realize that they've also gotten with someone else. I know, you knowaby the gay world exactly, but it's I keeps.

Having every friend dad and't like a four mile radius.

From where I had dance famously fucked my dad.

Print it now print it now litters didn't take that, I said to my friend earlier.

I feel like at the moment, it's like everyone I talked to on a dating app maybe but already spoken to at one point when I was on dating app before, or one of my friends had spoken to you, and that really bugs me out. Like it's like it feels like the pools getting smaller and smaller, even though we live in like a massive fucking city.

Also, now another thing to level with you, I think you once dated one of my friends.

Oh my god, who I.

Think it was a long time ago, and he said that it never went any further than one day because at the.

Time he thought the age gap was Yeah, I know who you're talking about. Yeah, yeah, I think I was quite young, like I was like twenty one, and I think if you're twenty five, that's quite like a dramatic age gap and things like that. Now, Oh my god, yeah wow. Yeah. He showed me the picture of this guy. I got set up with this guy like when I was quite young by my friend Harriet, who was like older than me. And then he showed me a picture of this guy and the guy was looking amazing, really yeah,

But could you ever go back to him? Do you think maybe how old is he now? Then? Oh?

Will we like thirty one or something?

No?

No, no, sorry, like thirty four. I mean that's yeah, he was really hot. I was twenty one or twenty and he would have been like twenty five or twenty six, so it's not actually that big an age gap. But we went on one day and he was like, I think she's a bit young for me, which is fair like if one of my when I was twenty five and my twenty five year old friends were going out with like twenty year olds, I was kind of like, that's I don't really get it.

Well, what do you chat about?

Yeah, exactly, it's just that gap early, like twenty to twenty five. It's like there's quite a lot like that you're going to be different.

Well, is that the difference of like playing Ring of Fire before you go out and not playing Ring of Fire before you go out? And that is really the difference.

Do you want to explain to everyone, just for some people that might not know the game?

What Ring of Fire? Basically Ring of Fires? When you get like a bunch of like straight virgins in the room and they get cards and they like pour milk into a glass and then pour vodka into it, and then they all like drink that, and then they think I think they sacrifice something that I'm joking. It's obviously not the game, is it.

That you drink during the Johnny Cash song, No, that's rocks.

That also, Johnny Cash didn't sing Rocks.

He sang Ring of Fire. I thought it was that game, but like like what Rocksanne was, but for the song ring of Fire.

I mean we should play it anyway, we should play it. And also what perfect we did? We do it with spicy marks, because then it's another ring yes exactly.

Yes, exactly, yeah, because Dan and I famously after a spicymong reader. We both have ring of fires as our faults.

Honestly sting.

So oh yeah, it's a lot, it's a lot, puckered to the gods. Yeah, it's extra hot anyway. So you know the phrase only boring people get bored.

Oh yeah, like there's no small parts, just small actors.

Yeah exactly. So like I don't want to say that it was like inherently boring because it makes me then sound boring because I should have sound more interesting in it.

No, but I also disagreed there are small parts and.

There are boring people.

Yeah, yeah, but those people have the small parts.

Yeah. He seemed so like chilled out and kind of like like he'd never had any kind of dispute with anyone in his life. That I asked him if he'd ever gotten in a fight before. Do you ever get really angry?

I do a little shameful.

Sorry, yeah, this isn't a crowd moment. I was quite young, how was at university and went on a university ski trip with my girlfriends. I have no idea what we were arguing about, but I just remember like walking along the roade, like we were like shouting at each other, and I was so angry, but I didn't know what to do, so I, like I Fate, cried to like, right, try and win the argument.

Right.

I didn't win the argument, and then I was like Fate crying and like angry and right.

I thought you were going to say something so much worse than that. I thought you're going to say you pushed her off a cliff.

Or like you know, we both came out and scared.

That's good. You pretended to cry. That's just literally me on a Tuesday, Like every every time I have an argument that I'm not winning, I pretend to cry. That's how it ends. I thought he was going to say he like accidentally killed someone, like he had a fight and it was man's laughter or something.

I do remember when I was fourteen, and you can't judge me because I was in the closet, but I did. She on this girl and then when she rang me, I pretended that I was crying, but I was actually laughing, and I was like, I was like, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it, but it just happened like she thought I was crying, and then she tried to spend this rumor that I was like this pussy ass bitch for crying. It was funny.

But I always cry when I'm not winning a fight. Like I always just burst into tears.

That's not attactic, I used, because actually I never lose a fight.

No, but that's fine.

I often One time actually having a fight on a school trip, I had a five of my friend Megan, and we were on like the ferry from France or something, and we were outside like reconciling after this big bust up, and I spat off board and the wind blew it back in her face, face, right in her face. That fact, it was like a film.

Yeah, I love that. I once did that, but it was phlem I was in the front seat of a car and I flamed out the window and it went onto my friend's face. In the vaccine.

No, that's but we.

Weren't even in the fight. Then afterwards you were, oh, yeah, I've never swim just since.

That woman, Judy Dench. Have you ever been in a fist fight.

I've been in many, fista give me the best one. It was like sixth form. There was a house party in North London and a group of girls were chatting shit about one of my friends and they were like saying all this stuff about how she was a slot at the party.

And this girl, Judy Dench.

Then we all got kicked out of the party because the police came. So on this road in Finchley and there was like hundreds of teenagers there and this girl is across the road like chatting shit about my friends. So I just walked across the road in the traffic there was like hundreds of people watching, and just swung

She's just like behind it, being like so any holidays coming up, like give it like a full.

Na waiting for your A levels.

I have only only been in like one fight where it's nothing like that. I just tried to steal a mop from a gay club in Turkey and I was running outside of them, mopping my hand and I thought my friend was following me, but it was like the owner and I turned around and he slapped me, and then I hit him back as like a response, and then he went to hit me back and I was like, do you just want them up? And he was like yeah, and I was like, take them up.

That's a perfect story.

And then I went and smoked on the beach and was like, my life is such a mazing.

You come across really well in that. Sorry, I'll say no.

Thank you, No you do. I'm mopped the floor of.

Him, Yeah you did. Because he had such a distinctive like East London look, I knew he lived in East London, like just from looking at him. And then I was like, let me see if I can miss it meg Hare and guess like exactly his postcode. But I got it wrong. I'm actually really good at being a psychic because I just want to try Victoria Parts, Bethel Green, no London Pille, Hackney Wick, no.

Claptain.

Oh that was gonna be the first thing I was gonna say.

I was.

That was actually gonna be the first thing I was gonna say. I'm very bad with these men.

More she would have gone for it, I guess you me, Yeah, I go for it by Parliament Health.

Yes. Would you rather go on a really boring date or go on a date with someone who's like really offensive?

Oh that's interesting. You know. I kind of feel like I'd get more of a kick out of someone being offensive because there's more to do, as in, like it's more reactional than me having to like come up with something to say. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah?

I mean the thing is, it's like neither is desirable. But there's something really really horrible about talking to someone who is giving you nothing.

Yeah, I mean, there's not really much you can do. It's like, what I'm going to tell you how many siblings I've got?

Are you someone who? If you're I'm sure you're not. But I am actually this person Like if I'm in a really boring conversation, I start bugging out and I'm like, it's me, I'm boring.

I mean, I've never experienced that personally or professionally, but I've.

Never experienced it professionally, thank you.

No, But I am. I just literally cannot sit in silence. So then I'll start asking like mad questions, like what's the biggest animal that you think you can kill with your bare hands?

What is it?

What me? Personally? I think I could get a sheep? I think I could get really think, okay, yeah you are at all? Wait what do you think?

What about you?

No?

You what could I kill? I couldn't hurt any you bet?

Oh my god? Are you mad? So you just spoke up ragging some girl in northwest.

London, maybe like a like a girl from forts Math, sixteen year old girl from forth, I could kill her.

And they're all animals, My god, my good.

No, like a North London girl with a crylic Now it's like that's probably the limit.

No, but I mean I just start saying really like stupid, I get that, or like if you can I really even want to give like.

A boring date my interesting questions.

I always ask people if they could have sex with any other or what animal they have sex?

Which would you have sex with?

Ah?

I don't know the way you phrased that, if you could, like as though people want to, it's like if you had.

To, Yeah, but it's also me like checking checking them out. It's like I don't want to have to date someone that fox animals? Again? What I mean? This is that third date at pets at Home? Why are we in the guinea pig bit again? Like I don't know what's going on. Wait, you brought me a gerbil? Where's it gone? It's always in the ass?

Oh dam I'm.

Sorry, no way, no, but I know, but I don't want to answer that question. I'm just saying that, like I will start saying ship like that, and then it's just like that how could this ever flow for me?

Because I can't I can't really remember if I did this with him. But when I'm my go to like date chat is to just talk about people's exes. Really, yeah, I always ask them about their part relationships. It's a good tell of like what someone's like.

Yeah, that's actually so true. I just think sometimes I don't know. I'm still the belief in the like with the belief that like the first date isn't necessarily where I talk about someone's exes.

Yeah, that's fair. I do do it quite a lot.

I mean I'm asking people what animal dead fox? Yeah, he's intone, No.

I know what. We're both here singles.

Yeah, but one of us has a podcast where they're finding love and everyone's just talking.

About one of them has a podcast to find love and it's literally not even watching pain dry. That would have been like so much more exciting. Like the most interesting part of that day was me saying that the dog had fired. Next time on twenty eight dates later, So he's done a test to see what his kinks are. And there are loads of words here. I don't know, rigor exhibitionists. Sorry, what's a brat tamer? That sounds like my type around me?

I'm a savage? You think he can hurt it?

Twenty eight Dates Later is produced by Novel for iHeartRadio. For more from Novel, visit novel Dot Audio The series is presented by me Grace Campbell with help from Roz Pursu and Dan Whyde. The producer is Diggory Way. The executive producer is Claire Broughton. Our editors are Mithillly Raw and Max O'Brien. Production management from Cherie Houston and Charlotte Wall. Willard Foxton is our creative director of Development.