Ep 24: The Fan

Novel.

This show contains adult material, references to drugs and swearing. You have been warned.

Do you like that he was a fan? No?

I mean he'd taken the day off. What's kind of stressful, Like that's a huge pressure.

He worked in TV, he worked, people died that day.

I'm a savage.

Are you bored of modern dating? Meeting the same people from the same apps in the same bar You've only chosen because it's close to your house and you can make your usual quick getaway. It's time to change the narrative on how we find love. It's time to start looking for love in all the wrong places. I'm going on a wild dating adventure, only picking people who were the total opposite of my type. And after twenty eight of these dates in two months, will I find that

Midland's boy exactly the milf a WMC West Midland.

Sele.

Well, that's you know, one step closer to me going on a date.

With you really sharing me.

Now, we went to like a mini golf that was sex themed, which was reallychic. Actually like I liked it. There was like loads of dildos on the floor.

And is that not a drugsposition? Crazy golf and sex.

I can't think of an environment that's least sexual than crazy golf.

I actually loved it.

But did it turn you on? No?

But I would have been turned on if I was there was you know, someone that I wanted to find, you.

Know what, I can actually say that like I think sometimes that anal sex experience is trying to knock a ball through a windmill to try and get it into a tiny hole.

That would have you would have felt really seen. I think at this space I would have felt really represented.

I want to go because I'm sick of feeling invisible.

Yes exactly.

If it means I have to step into a sex themed, crazy golf environment to be seen, I'm willing.

You would have felt really understood. I think especially by the room that was just like it's just like there was a room that was like blood everywhere. It was like a butcher's Wow, Like, what I do you know? Two people on Friday nights? This is like a sweety tod's theme?

Is that?

I think that's a leg? That's a human leg? Wait?

How is that sexual?

I guess like murder.

Killing this pussy exactly murdered this bussy. Daddy murdered this bussy murder sex. Wait, was that that's a that's a Shakespeare quote?

Yeah, that was that was Shakespeare.

Yeah a fellow mmm now murderous dispussy Yeah?

Got the bar? Wait? Yeah, I mean the different rooms and the different themes.

Oh, there was like loads. There was like one that was like cocaine themed, which was just like, you know.

Random, Wait, how is a cocaine themed?

Did you get loads of coke like bags? And then there was like a big white ic thing like the Titanic thing?

But are people banging after doing as a coke? I don't know if coke really helps me out.

People weren't fucking there, Dan, this is mad. Oh okay, just for someone listening, there is a big vagina hole okay. Oh oh look, oh look at my god. That's I just got a hole in one in the pussy. Let it be known.

I don't think I never got a hold in one of the It was.

Me and this man, and then the only other people there were these four old women from Nottingham who were like chain smokers. They gave me some of their drink, which I probably shouldn't have had on reflection, because I shouldn't have been sharing germs with people like on my tour.

Oh fuck, you've.

Got both standard. I know, I'm really nervous. They look really good. What is that name?

And let me say that I've.

Got that's so nice. Oh my god.

It was such a weird combination. It was like some kind of like cherry vodka with coke. And then I was like, oh my god, this is amazing. I'm going to start drinking this all the time, obviously lying because I just wanted these women to hang out of me because it's quite bored on this day.

Right, that might be my new drink.

You know. That's really nice, well, so simple and everywhere has those ingredients that every part has that.

I mean, I wish you're on a date with the women more than the guy at this point.

I just I just feel in a lot of dating situations if I'm on a date and I bump into like a female friend or like even a fan, I usually would rather be with that woman than with the man that I'm with.

You know, there's always that woman who's like in the bar and she's got like proxyblonte and she's wearing like some kind of animal print. She's got way too much mascara on. Like that's actually who I want to grow up and be. Yeah, like if I can have exactly.

And it's like those are the women that, like when you're on a really bad date, you get talking to one of them and then you're like, save me.

Yeah, I just want the confidence of like a stepmom and Paul.

I have never been on an activity date before this, I'll be honest.

But what defines it.

Well, it means not just going for a drink, like something that's like activity based. I mean, I don't know how better I could explain it or articulate, and.

I guess you could probably do a better job.

Than activity, like an activity based date.

Activity from the Latin word the fact.

What you said earlier, like rock climbing for a hike.

What about a gallery?

Yeah, that is an activity?

So are we talking more about like sports leaning.

No, no, no, we're talking a gallery.

Never been to a gallery on a date?

No, I've been to a gallery with a boyfriend, but I've never been on a date to a gallery. I fucking hate.

Galleries people, No one likes galleries.

So why would I want to go on a date to a gallery.

To get fingered by a money I've never.

Had sex in the gallery. Wow, No, I know, and I've always outside.

What's that? Oh my god, they've all got pitchforks. I gonna got fire and pitchforks. Get quick, get out. She's never had sex in a gallery. That's why Lisa smiling.

Yeah, because she knows she's sucking. And Grace Campbell hasn't.

Yeah, exactly.

Smug bitch, Such a smug bitch.

Honestly though, is it even good? No?

I don't think it's good.

Tiny good.

I don't think it's good. But she's smiling, and she's looking at us all.

Sorry, this stamp on the wall.

I know it's so far.

I'm okay.

She just looks very, very full of herself.

Just looks full of gas. That's a smirk to do before you find.

She's got the ships.

If you want to make me sweat on a day, I'm out. I ain't rock climbing. I ain't like, I ain't.

No, And also that's just very active to me if you want to do that on a day. My parents, so we go swimming at the lido like no where we live, and there's a sauna and my dad was once in the sauna at seven in the morning and there was a couple on a first day in the sauna at seven in the morning. They had just gone for a freezing called swim in the winter, and then they were in a sauna on the first ay at seven in the morning and my dad interrogated it so

Off watching you.

I was outside watching the Men in the woods fucking with my dog.

It's a family business.

This guy wasn't like he was nice, you know, he was a really sweet guy and he actually was a fan.

Wow. I mean, at this point when.

I don't need like discovered who you were like a couple of months ago, right, So.

You know I am love that. It's the first time that someone's admitted it. So you're coming to my show?

There were tickets, but there are reason I didn't. So I'm meant to be working today, right, okay, and I'm actually working down south.

So I found out bout this. I asked my bus.

I was like, can I just work from home?

Oh my god, wow, wow, So your bunking work for this?

What?

Yeah, he'd taken the day off work so that he could come and do this.

That that's too much.

Well, say, for example, and you say, if I got asked to go on a date with, like, you know, someone I was obsessed with me, I would take the day of work to do it.

Yeah, But I tell you what I wouldn't be doing traveling to note to go to a crazy golf you know what I mean. I wouldn't be doing that, no matter what theema cre the golf was. I'm just never you want to firstly, you want to take me on a date, and it's any kind of sport related thing, I would.

Says golf for sport is ridiculous. Then what is it activity?

Yeah, I guess I don't know.

I saw recently this video where they've got like pillow fighting championships. Have you seen that, Like people in the wrestling ring with pillows, like bashing each other out.

But that's quite active crazy.

Golf is not very active mentally it is.

Yeah, I mean, this was a very mentally simulating hour.

Of that's just the co crew.

Well, I have brought some from Thank God, me and the four O A p s.

Do you like that he was a fan?

The thing is like, it's I don't know what to say in this situation because I am more and more like if somebody doesn't know who I am, I'm want to date with, Like how dare you not know who I am? But then also it's like I am actually like a bit you know, I thought that was sweet. The thing is about that is that makes me feel like, as a sort of people pleaser on dates. It makes me feel like, oh, well, this is fine then because even if this date like doesn't go well, like he's

You're not allowed him without a respect?

AAA? He had the AA pass for the hour in the golf course.

I mean, I don't know I feel like for me, if anyone has seen me performing fantasy, firstly, I think, yeah, exactly like because also especially if you've seen like seance like the drag act I do, it's like have a clown fetish.

I can't imagine like if I was a man watching you and a woman actually loads of women want to fuck you that you're very like attractive when you perform. Yeah, well thank you, let's should we wrap this outset? Well, I've got him, but I'm not sure if me because I'm like just talking about how much I hate everyone I've ever had sex.

Yeah, I guess it's hard, like because also, like if I'm doing like dance, stand up is very sexual and I often think, like, am I really over sexualizing myself like in this moment that makes people not attracted to me as much because I seem like a slot?

No, I don't think so. I No, definitely not that. I mean, I wouldn't even border into that territory because it's not that. It's more you know, my problem has always been that people watch really stand up and they sexualize me too much, which annoys me. But I just now like met barely any man come and watch Redeo

What? Sorry?

Sorry?

What is my life? Sat here talking about your life?

Going to like I didn't experience it myself, I'm talking about you experience it seem.

Wait till we talk about yesterdays, say damn, because you know we went to a fucking Weatherspoons. I mean we went orph in Camden. Have you ever been to ice Worf?

What the one by the on the canal? Baby we've all been there.

Yeah, we used to go.

That's the only place that we go. The spits there. It's great.

But ye, well that's because it's apparol spirits. Like it's very easy to be aperol spirits.

Number one I'm saying is like to have an aperol spirits outside of Weatherspoons by Canal in Camden.

Two crackheads fucking and like some pigeons on the floor.

I don't remember seeing you there. Okay, so was this state giving? Was it romance?

The thing is that I actually thought he was a nice guy, and I appreciate that he took the day off of work to come and hang out with me. I mean, I don't appreciate it like that's most people would if they were given the opportunity. Yeah, of course, I actually would have liked to have done the sexual crazy golf with someone that I had some more like chemistry with. I know you hate activity based dates, so

Yeah, if there are any medical professionals out there listening to this. I need to figure out what is the mental disorder where someone has enjoyed themselves as sex based crazy golf day, because I think it's really specific, but I think it could be universal as well.

Please get in touch and it.

Could save lives. I think if we can find a definition.

Because there are too many people going to a blood bathroom in a crazy so many.

People living in a stigmatized situation where they feel shame. Next time on twenty eight Dates Later, I've been a serial relationship girls as I was like sixteen. That is crazy.

So if there's anything I ever regret is that I didn't date more.

Yeah.

Yeah, so you're making me not regretted.

Around for me, I'm a savage.

Twenty eight Dates Later is produced by Novel for iHeartRadio. For more from Novel, visit novel dot Audio. The series is presented by me Grace Campbell with help from Roz Pursu and Dan White. The producer is Diggery Way. The executive producer is Claire Broughton. Our editors are my Filly Raw and Max O'Brien. Production management from Cherie Houston and Charlotte Wall. Willard Foxton is our creative director of development

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