Ep 23: The Comedian

Novel.

This show contains adult material and swearing. You have been warned.

Okay, I've just gone to the toilet and I don't think he has anything interesting to say.

I do feel.

Abound, but he's just giving me absolutely nothing.

Me I'm a savage.

Are you bored of modern dating?

Meeting the same people from the same apps in the same bar You've only chosen because it's close to your house and you can make your usual quick getaway. It's time to change the narrative on how we find love. It's time to start looking for love in all the wrong places. I'm going on a wild dating adventure, only picking people who are the total opposite of my type. And after twenty eight of these days in two months,

It's time to find out. I'm Grace Campbell and this is twenty eight dates later.

Hey Grace, Hi, you had done another date this week?

Yeah? I did.

I know it was bad because you've voice toned me from the toilet midway to the date. Why why did you go on a date with this guy?

Well, okay, so we matched on hinge and he said, after a bit of messaging that he was a stand up comedian. Now, I have never dated another fellow comedian before because it's always given me loads of red flags, to be honest, like I worry about like there being like competitivity. I worry about us not liking each other's comedy, which would happen a lot if I dated a male comedian, because a lot of men don't like my comedy, and so I've never done that before.

But I was like, he's really good.

Looking, and I was like, let me give this a while, because you know, maybe I'm wrong.

Is he like established or is he literally just started? Has he done any gigs?

He has just started?

He had done the Adam of Fringe last year, but splitting the bill in like a pub you didn't google them. I didn't know his surname, Okay, okay, Yeah, so I didn't have much to go from. And that's the kind of thing with dating apps. I want to do, like a full background check before I meet someone. Yeah, on the hinge, you used to get someone's surname. Once you match them, you get their surname, but you don't.

Know Okay, I've got a question here, Okay, as I've said multiple times here, I'm made of the game for a long long time.

So on Hinge.

You don't get their surname, so you can't do a full background of Porus. You can't know who their ex girlfriend is, where they grew up, a school they went into.

How are you meant to know that they're like, okay.

Not a serial killer? Yeah, I know, no honestly, but.

I think that works for me in the sense that I'm glad people can't google me. I'm quite glad that we can meet maybe first if they don't know anything about me and like they don't just google me. And then the first thing it says is Alice the Camill's daughter, Like as my job. So I feel like it works

Anyways, I didn't look this guy up. I was like.

Thinking the complete outset.

I was like, you want to want to vet them to make sure that like they don't have any convictions against like have good style.

They have.

Honestly, my main thing is neck clothes. Oh my god.

So okay, I'm fine if you have convictions, just don't wear unbranded trainers. So we met on Hinge and then we arranged a time to meet and he said he wanted to get a bloody Mary. So we went to a pub and we re.

Each had a bloody mary.

Is So tell me, so you how is stand up going good?

I enjoy it, which I think is the main thing.

And how much are you gigging as much as possible? What do you watch your other work?

A model?

Oh right, so that's very like sporadic right yeah. Yeah, so I have a lot of three time, so when I want to spend a month getting drunk, Yeah.

Yeah, good for you.

That's what I call garbos. Thanks, you're welcome. He was baf first of all, like he's very good looking.

What he looked like He looked.

Like the guy from Bridgerton reggae Jean Page.

Oh guy. Yeah.

He was also voted when the hottest men in the world.

Yeah.

He's recently on the cover of Variety magazine the Hollywood edition.

Wow, mis Google, I know.

A lot of it sleg culture.

I know, you know little about dating in twenty twenty three, but I know a lot of it.

So he looked it's like him like he was buff.

But then there was this sort of weird thing of this is me having such main character syndrome. But when we were talking about stand up, he was talking about sort of what gigs he started doing, and like how he sort of got into stand up. But he asked me absolutely no questions about like my career, which I was like, it's either just classic man just not taking any interest in like a woman, or which is what I more think it was.

He knows your life already, yeah, exactly.

And it's really self conscious of making it obviously he knows why I am, which is even weirder.

I think that's so weird. Don't you think that's so mad? It's even that.

Do you get that when you meet someone, it's really obvious they know who you are, but they're like, what's your name?

Yeah? And I just play a long because I'm like, this is you awkward? Had to know? It's like I know you follow me? Yeah exactly, Like yeah, and you know what I do?

Get it as well, Like I read think. One of my friends recently was at this big parody in London and she put up on her close friends being like I shook hands with someone like storm Z or something like that, and I asked him who he was, and she's like, I just got so nervous, so I didn't want to look like fun.

So I was like, okay, maybe, like you know.

No, it is a nerves day, I think, yeah, but it's also like on a day like let's be for real. Like it kind of made the whole thing quite awkward because then it felt like the whole day was me just asking him about his stand up career.

How long is your set tonight?

Uh?

Seven?

I think seven, men's.

Sir. But I've been trying to tell jokes that are sort of like make the audience sort of tighten up at.

The start, as in tighten up sort of like if.

The punchline is kind of like, oh, I don't know if we're allowed to laugh at that.

Can you give me an example?

So one of the jokes I've been telling lately is so I'm recently single, and I've been trying to discover or if I have a type, and I realized I'm most attracted to black or Jewish women.

But what can I say?

I can get enough of that ghetto booty.

And that wasn't funny at all.

It's so bad.

It's like so bad, Like I actually I thought I was waiting because I thought.

There was an actual punchline coming or something like. No, it was so bad.

No.

I hate when people try to tell jokes they are enough funny because I have a really bad fake.

Laugh to it.

Let me see your fight glass.

It's like I'm forcing it out, and I instantly go red because I'm like, I'm going to fun.

No, I know, And I find it really hard to even with this guy does this like really bad joke. But I find it really hard not to laugh at someone's joke because I'm such a people pleaser and I'm like, I don't want to not laugh, and then you're like, oh my god, I'm such a bad comedian. But I probably should have not laughed because it was a really bad joke.

It wasn't even a joke.

It's a really bad joke.

And also like the thing that I'll say again not to be like completely main character syndrome, but my opening joke of my show at the moment is I'm single, and I've realized recently I've got a type, and it's men who would have played football professionally if they hadn't injured their knee.

And you're eight. So I was like, which is actually funny, Yeah, thank you.

And I was like this guy like he's got one chance and he's giving me his opening set.

And I know I'm not like an agent, but I'm an.

Established comedian and he's saying a version of that.

But it's like the worst possible.

Version of I've realized I've had a type and it's black and Jewish women.

Oh and it was a delivery, I know, so unsure about the delivery.

He should have been he should be questioning it.

He should be questioning it.

You should go back to the drawing board.

Yeah.

Maybe I'm a bit too like mean with people, but like I was trying to like take the pits out of him at points, and I think.

Grace, did you bully him on the date?

I think I did, Honestly.

I think if you listen back, I think I kind of did bully him because there's one bit where like I just couldn't even refrain from being.

Like, what the fuck and maybe you grace. No, I know, but maybe like.

Listening back to it, I'm like this, maybe this is what I'm like all the time. But he said something really wrong. He described a part of London. He pronounced it wrong, and I was just like, no, I can't, I can't do this.

I want to see your standard.

Where is it said.

You're from like New Orleans? Awesome? Yeah? Where nice?

Ascending?

No, but that's just now you say it.

I don't need to get embarrassed like I wasn't in a less public way being recorded.

Yeah, when you're correcting my pronunciation, that was but you're from bar Yeah, well we're speaking correctly apparently.

No, don't know how to say.

Yeah, I don't know what to say. We don't say Greenwich either.

That's true, we should should.

God, I thought, I'm really upset you.

All right, just changed the momentum.

Look, I'm going so red and like sweating. How awkward you two are?

No, isn't that that awkward silence that he drinks his water?

He did send like Daniel Craigan knives out.

Yes he did.

Oh my, that's exactly what he sounded like, Dalston.

Look, I'm from Ireland, so I would probably pronounce that Darrylston.

Yeah that's fine, but it sounds really cool when you do it.

But yeah, but that's because in Ireland.

But also if you if you did that, I would be like, ros does not say it and he you say Dulston Dalston.

You have an Irish.

Accent, so you have like that's why you would say it differently because you have it an accent. He's got like a Southern English accent. But then he just sounded like it was in New Orleans, like, hey, we're gonna go down to Dalston to that.

You know what, I can just instantly tell that you two are never ever going to see each other again.

No, or maybe we'll bump into each other in a green room of a comedy club and I'll be like lo, And.

It's crazy because he's so good looking, you know.

Like I know looks on everything.

No, they're not, and.

They like, you know what, after a couple of years, if you're with someone and you're only with them for good looks, like I.

Can tell you boring.

There want to be something else going on. Yeah, he doesn't need to be funny, Yeah he needs to be a funny thing.

I think just stick in your lane, like you're hot.

Yeah, don't try and claim that you're also comedian, because that's like my thing.

But also you're kind of like putting this big expectation on that, Like you're going on a date with a comedian, so you're expecting the date to be so funny.

He should have just said nothing.

Yeah, judging for like an hour spent on a date with him, I'm thinking he should be a model.

You know what, though, I hope we have to swallow our words and he's like really big next year and he'll be like nice, We'll be like, well, he'll go on a podcast he's like, well, I remember listening to this podcast. He's two girls absolutely assassinated me.

And that's when that's when I changed.

To me say, yeah, the moments that I've been most burred on to work hard in my career is when I've been rejected or like humiliated by man, and it really spurs me on.

But what I don't want to do is him be really successful.

And then it's like, lo, look at you, Grace, who are you nothing?

Now?

Look at me? Look at me? The apollo it's.

Like that was their feeling moment.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, this is his were doing him a favor.

I just think you two guys just do not gell.

You can just tell like I'm listening to the kids here, and I'm like, in a sweat of awkwardness.

No, it was really really it was really awkward, and I actually wanted it to end really early.

Is this where you ran off?

I took the dog to the toilet.

Okay, I've just gone to the toilet and it's just pretty fucking boring. I don't think he has anything interesting to say.

I do.

He's just giving me absolutely nothing.

I would love to have been the person in the cubicle besides you being like, what the what's going on there?

I know? And I took the dog into the toilet with me.

Usually when I'm on a date, I'll leave the dog with the person when I go for a wee.

But I was like, I'm not leaving my dog with this man.

He's not a dog person.

No. So I feel like.

I've been on a few dates like that where you're just willing for it to end and you're just thinking of different ways that you could leave the day, and this was one of them.

You know what, though, Like I think everyone listening to this will have been on a similar date where you're just actually thinking like how can I.

Get out of this?

But in all honesty, it sounds like he wanted to get out of it too.

Yeah.

I mean, I I agree, I'm stealing your main character energy names.

I agree. No, no, no, I.

Actually think both of you were like this needs to end.

It was fucking uncomfortable. Yeah, it was really uncomfortable.

And do you know what he probably knew He was like, what are the chances?

But also not to be rude, but like people that repeatedly have dates like cut short, maybe they need to self reflect a bit.

My friend was actually telling me a story recently how she went on a date with the guy and she gave her She was like straightway, She's like, just don't want to be on this date, but she's such a nice person. She kind of fulfilled the date and they were kind of lingering, and she went, oh, my god, my friend is in town with her kids. One of her kids just fall and I'm going to run over to her like OtherSide town. And he went, okay, let's go and started running with her, and she was like,

She was like, no, no, it's fine, it's fine, like you know.

And then she got to the shopping center where her friend was not there, and then she pretended her battery died and she couldn't. She just said, she just said, it's like digging a hole and just couldn't get away from him.

That's what I mean. But there's kind of being on dates with men. It's almost like you're being kidnapped.

Oh listen, terrifying, terrifying.

What's the comedians? You know that the Tommy something died on stage? Who's that Tommy Cooper?

He died on stage? Wait?

What?

My dad always looks for him. Wait, so I have to google that? Yeah? Wow.

Then fifty nineteen eighty four was one no comedy fan will ever forget. Millions student to watch the hit variety show live from Her Majesty's only to see Tommy Cooper suffer a massive fatal heart attack on stage as he collapsed, uproorious applause from an audience.

Of course, it was all part of the act.

The Welsh comedy legend died as he lived, making people laugh.

Oh my god, that is awful. No, that's that's such a great way to go though, No, it's not.

It's such a bittersweet thing.

I think. I'm not sure about that.

I think if you would have died doing what you love, like actually in the throes.

Of doing No, I'm not saying about him, it might have been nice for him, but it's like a bit sad that the audience that he knew loved him watched him die.

That's something you might think and you go, well, Jesus, I can't believe you. I thought that. You don't say that load.

But it's basically I sort of feel like it's like that thing. I mean, even when somebody says it's really poetic, I'm like gag in my mouth, like just grow up.

Who do you think you are? But it's really like when people.

Are trying to sort of make things a bit deep, maybe a bit too meaningful.

And maybe he's also been too much of a contrarian. I don't know.

It felt like he was sort of trying to like have like a bit of a controversial opinion. But I was just like, what is this guy talking about?

Yeah, because obviously the story about your man Tommy Cooper is like, oh my god, that's crazy.

I never heard of that either.

I didn't know that.

But like he had a whole ordering of people who watched him die.

He probably didn't get him help for ages because they were like, oh, it's part of the show.

Well that's because they thought it was part of the act.

That makes me so sad thinking that a man was literally dying while people were laughing. Imagine dying to the sound of people laughing at you.

It's fucked up.

He was pretty young, so like that was probably quite intense and painful and a horrible way to go.

And then people are watching you die. Yeah, I think that's just awful.

You know what, It got worse and worse, didn't it.

It did.

I actually didn't think it could get worse, and then it just got worse.

It was. It was a really uncomfortable day. Yeah, have you had a nice time on this day? Average four out of ten?

I mean, it's been unusual. Your company is lovely, but it's not a.

Date, you know, I mean, yeah, yeah, no, I get that.

I hope I don't come across like a frick.

You won't.

You won't promise.

You didn't come across as a prick.

Dan, you came across as a little bit weird though, a little creepy.

Yeah, a little bit of a freak, Yeah, a little bit of freak.

He was coming across as just been a bit dry, but then he ended on a real high of being like fucking weird.

Yeah, do you know what.

I just can't handle it when people don't even know how to like remotely sort of not flir, Like it's not necessarily I'm asking you to flir, but like there's a spectrum, and he was so far on the other end of weird that there was sort of no way for it to be like a fun day because I was like, if you're maybe joking about some of these things you're saying, then I can take the piss out of you.

And I did try and take the piss out of you. You told me that I was condescending.

Yeah, you know what, Like it's funny.

It's one of the one where I'm like, I almost would like for you to go and meet him again to actually see because it was obviously he knew he's being recorded, he just wasn't himself.

Or we should go, and we should go and I'll go in disguise to gigs.

Yeah, but I wouldn't put you through that, that would be great.

Yeah.

Okay, well, thank you so much Rod for disctioning that with me.

And this, I feel like this episode needs to be in memory of Tommy Cooper.

Yes, in Memoriam next time. On twenty eight dates Later, we went to like a mini golf that was sex theme.

Not a drugsposition. Crazy golf and sex. I can't think of an environment that's least sexual than crazy golf.

Around me, I'm a savage.

Twenty eight Dates Later is produced by Novel for iHeartRadio. For more from Novel, visit novel dot Audios. The series is presented by me Grace Campbell, with help from Roz Pasu and Dan Whyde. The producer is Diggory Way. The executive producer is Claire Broughton. Our editors are Mythillye Raw and Max O'Brien. Production management from Charie Houston and Charlotte Wall. Willard Foxton is our creative director of Development.

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