Ep 22: The 36 Questions To Find Love

Novel.

This show contains adult material, references to drugs and swearing. You have been warned listen. Okay, Look, I've been shamed on this before because people think I do have sexual people sometimes too quickly. Sure, maybe there's some truth in that three months. I do not have three months in my life to spend not fucking someone that I'm spending time with me I'm a savage. Are you bored of

Yeah, like one of my biggest well maybe not even on a date, like a fear of mine or like. Something that I don't understand is what do couples talk about after like four years, five years, like even longer?

What do you talk But it's I guess, what do you talk to your friends about after five years?

But a lot of the time you talk about.

Well maybe that's why lots of these couples opening up their relationships, because then they have interesting stuff to talk about.

Well, yeah, I guess, and I think that, but I think that's the future. I think like monogamy is not the perfect thing for everybody.

So on this day I did something that I would never do in the real world because to them, as I no, I didn't. Actually, don't be so rude that I did something which I would never do, because, as I've already said, I hate fucking questions like this, and I hate being asked with questions like this, and I'd rather sit in silentce.

What did you do?

So I've been sent this thing online and it's like thirty six questions that you should ask someone if you want to fall in love with them, right, And it's been like New York Times, Cosmopolitin whatever, and it's like questions like, I guess, get to know someone, but to see if you like have compatibility with them.

I just don't understand the science behind questions like this, you know what I mean? Like, I think the science behind falling in love is going on enough dates. I mean like, if I spend enough time with somebody, I think he's just kind of falling.

I think the science of really falling in love with someone is chemical, to be honest, I think it's like you do tell you bit.

Of care in the toilet? Yeah, I see it.

It's like now spell it is like I remember my uncle said this to me when I was younger, and he was like, the smell of someone is like forty percent of like what you actually fall in love with. There was someone I was once in love with, and once I realized I wasn't in love with them anymore, was when I smelt his cologne in an airport and didn't like the smell. And then I was like, Wow, I think I'm over him.

No, but that's the smellst one's cologne. I think you're talking.

About that, no, because it's it's no, not at all. It's the smell that you associate with them, so like I guess. And also a man's colone or any perfume whatever changes on someone's skin, so like how someone's scense smells, Like if you wore this colone, it would smell different on you to how it's spelled. My ex boyfriend, et cetera, et cetera. That's why people try lots of different perfumes. Should check it out.

So I just wear links Africa every day and my boys out there, Africa boys out there.

So we tried this. So this guy, his name was Michael. I picked this guy because you just seem like a really nice, handsome guy from his profile. But the bigger experiment in this day was that we did something I'd never normally do and it did give me the ick.

How are you?

Yeah, I'm good?

How are you?

Yeah?

I'm good, I'm good. I didn't really know what to expect, to be honest.

Yeah that's fair. Yeah.

I had a little look yesterday night at what some of this, like some of the stuff you do so tell.

Me what did you think about me? Be honest, any feedback, Thank.

You so much.

Well at first I was like, oh, so all the stuff with your dad. I was like, there's no way you could do that if you're black like that, it's just not it's not well yeah African.

Parents is being like talking about yeah.

Yeah, if not now when about your vagina? Yeah, I mean exactly is that thing with you? You know when the older people are there, like have as much sex as you can now, like love your body now because it will change, and.

Don't say that it will change I'm going to have a c section anyway.

No, but also just gravity, like gravity will affect us.

All if not now when when you catch saying anyway? But it was like really good chat from the start, like we had Yeah, we had good chat and it was like fun. There was just a lot of banter. He did say that he'd thought from judging me that I would have definitely not been popular at school. Wow. I found that really really offensive.

I mean that is offensive.

It is offensive considering how that he.

Can sum it up so perfectly.

No, because we've already covered this, like I was so popular square, I had a war on my nose and nobody even said anything bad.

You were like the most popular posh girl. Your horse is the biggest to get it.

If not now when? Okay, So we've been talking for a bit, and then I was like, okay, even though this date is actually flowing, and maybe I should have used these questions in the one where the conversation was a bit more stifled any of the other day one of the more constipated dates that I've been on. But yeah, I've been given a task, which is to use this questionaires. I started asking him questions. So I have a list of questions.

Oh yeah, we go.

Okay. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any quality or ability, what would it be photographic memory. I'd love to be able to speak every language in the world. I'd love that. I just think you then get such power because then you cannot hear when people are.

Talking about you.

Do you hear all those stories like oh I was in this foreign country and some guy who was talking in another language and they were basically that a dickhead, And then I spoke back to her.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've done that. I can speak French and I've been in France several times when people talking about me, Like I was once on the Metro and these girls were talking about my hair and they were like making all these jokes about how like I've probably lost loads of hair brushes, like in my hair.

Roasted.

And I was like, a good one, We'll so fuck you. I can hear what you're saying. And then they actually didn't even care.

I mean, that is honestly one of the funniest things that I've heard.

I actually didn't even tell that story. Probably what they actually said was I wonder how many hair brushes are in her hair right now, like that she's been trying to brush her hair and they have gotten lost in her And they were discussing how many hair brushes could be inwre in this moment.

That is genius. That is genius. That is a shade.

If you could wake up with any ability, Dan, what would it be? Can I guess?

Yeah?

I guess time travel?

Wait, so okay, the question being like, is it like marvel ability, We'll refine it.

No, No, we'll refine it, okay, time travel.

So you know me so well, and you think the one thing that I would want if I could wake up tomorrow is time travel because I want to be gay in the past. I want to be this gay in the past. No, thank you.

I was kind of pissed off when he said that he thought I was definitely not calling school, because as you can imagine, that's a bit of a misunderstanding of me. So then I grilled him on that a bit.

But I love that he was open enough just to say it, no, I love it dead in the eyes and be like, hey, nerd.

I was just like looking in the mirror of ages, trying to figure out what it was that made you think I was like cool of school.

Get this ship off your shoulder.

Because I don't because I don't think it's my hair because I hate my hair makes me look really cool, right, Okay, that you were nerds.

I was a big nerd even to like.

There was a day actually and I think about this moment so much and I hate myself for it.

It was like the first year of un.

And we all went to the pub and three of my friends and it was like this guy and his girlfriend. We're just talking, having a few pints. All three of us whip our DS's and we played Pokemon, And it is the most I think about.

It and I including the girlfriend, not.

The girlfriend girl just like looking at us.

Like, oh my god.

I'm doing with these massive.

Oh my god, no.

One nerdy something that burn Thursday?

What you're going to do? So when did you lose that?

Do you know what? I am so fucking cool that when he said DS, I was like Dick's eyes. It took me so long to realize what DS was. I love the level of paranoia in this date as well. When it was like asked what you would want, you were like, I can learn all the languages in the world, not to build communities or like relationships, but to find out if people are talking about your behind your back.

Because I was sober. That's the downfall, thoughts allowed. Yeah, he's also being so open. That's like he's a sweet He was really sweet.

Yeah, we actually had a really it was really sweet.

Yea.

He was telling me that like every year for his birthday, he has tradition where he gets all his friends together and he's task them with writing like a stand up set or like a song, or like a game idea or like whatever, and every year, like on his birthday, like every and I thought that was really cute, right, But then he said he had this girlfriend once who didn't really get it, and then he broke up with her. I was like, you're so cute. You like really have

Yeah that's nice.

Yeah, it's like a cool hot nerd do you know what I mean?

Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. My piano player Robin, they do that for their birthday as well, Like I really birthday. They get their friends to little performance. Yeah.

I think that's such a nice thing to you. I mean, my friends would never do it.

But they've got no talent.

Anna did you hear that? Anna? Anna? Where are you babe? Anna? Anna? Come out the cupboard, Come out the cup now? Anna need to come a fucking batter? Dan? Did you hear what he just said about it? She can try?

Okay?

Would you ever like to be famous?

The reason I'm because I want to be.

I don't know this going to make your famous, all right?

So I would like to be famous.

But for what a load of class famous like David Mitchell level famous.

Okay, that's like quite iconic famous.

It's like UK famous.

Right.

I can go into Spain and no one's gonna name me.

But I feel like a lot of people look at David Mitchell and they're like, I know you from somewhere, but.

They don't know exactly. It must be like do you get it?

Like do you get people who sort of recognize you?

No?

I only ever get people who like truly love me. Apart from that, no one, no, because I have a very small fan base of women who just assessed me. They are history. I'm not even lying. They would definitely if I did an Instagram story like I need a lung, someone would be like, here's my lungs?

Like radio, Oh my god. Do you think if you did an Instagram story saying guys, I need a life, they'd give you a lie. Imagine the day. I love that he's calling the fun out.

But the thing is, can I just say to people listening who might think that makes me sound like really insufferable? I do that ship on dates to be like how much can this person take of me? Because when they can't handle it, I'm like, Okay, you're so not my kind of person, whereas he was really taking it and was do you know what I mean?

Yeah, Can I just say that, like I performed the four Graceist shows her fan base. I always say, it's like the Wendy Williams fan base. Like it's like, yeah, it's cool, it's intense. They love in the room is so brilliant.

Always No, that's what my cousin says. My cousin comes and she's like, obviously, we're exactly the same age. She's my whole life obviously with cousins, and she's there like, no, it's mad watching these people love you more than like anyone in our family about.

Sees me performed. She's like, a, I just watching other people laugh at you. That's funny because every time we hang out as a family laugh at me.

But I just disagree. I think David Mitchell's bad. Famous Well, David Mitchell is from I mean, he's a comedic actor. He's also like the host of like would Alive to You but so funny sou in peep Show. He's one of the main guys in peep Show. And he's a great British comedian, but I get what he means in the sense of, like, you know, it's a bit like I'll only ever be like really famous in like hubs and Clapham and coffee shops in North London. Leave those places. Nobody knows who I am.

Yeah, carry But it's an interesting question though, because I was out of the weekend and I was at like this like gay disco night absolutely fucked, like post verbal like real fuck. Had so many people come up to me and be like, oh my god, where you say, And I was like, not now, like if not now when though, when I'm not fu That's what I mean. So they're like.

Glastonbury was like hell for me, but I didn't realize it was gonna because it's where there's a concentrated level. So David Mitchell is that kind of like famous?

I guess yeah.

And then he told me this story about his friend from work.

She was saying she's been seeing this guy two months but they've.

Not even slept together.

Oh really, it's been like.

Two months as well.

How would you date that over two months?

That is in sense, yeah, I would say if that situation ever happens to you, don't go to a comedy show and don't sit in the front row because it's not fun.

I've seen someone and we've been together like.

Three months or something.

I never did anything.

And we went to this comedy show and the guy like begged us as we ended, He's like, please go on the front, like it's just we want to make it look more full. I said, if you're not gonna right, it's down, get to the front. Straight away picks on us.

And the guy I was like, Oh, have you guys like slept together.

I was like, oh, no, we've not. And he's like, oh, that's cool.

How long have we've been together? Three three months?

And from there every single person went through just roasted yeah, would you Yeah.

I don't like comedians.

I don't like you.

I have to say, right, he's telling this story, and I'm thinking, maybe that's because you like didn't want to have sex with him. Have I just offended you by

At least he's respecting the boundaries of it, you know, and like obviously into the person enough to like still be with them.

It was interesting. Listen, Okay, look, I've been shamed on this before because people think I do have sex with people sometimes too quickly. Sure, maybe there's some truth in that three months. I do not have three months in my life to spend not fucking someone that I'm spending.

Time with, honestly. And also, like I always question, like is love real? Like imagine like falling in love with somebody and you haven't fucked them for three months, and then when you do, the dick is dead.

That's what I mean.

Love is not real. Yeah, if the dick is dead, then like I'm actually sorry, I don't love you anymore.

But that's what I'm saying. For me, most of falling in love is about smelling sex intimacy. Yeah, so I just can't really imagine over three months me being stimulated enough by you if we're not having sex, because I'm not really looking forward to seeing you because I'm not thinking about sucking you. I'm not thinking about getting with you.

And then what kind of relationship it must be such a different type of relationship. Yes, yeah, I guess you're right. You know, I guess that's a rectally true. But I also think, like for the people that save themselves to your marriage that first night when you're married, being like in your thirties and having virgin sex, like having the kind of sex that you had when we were like six names.

They probably don't get to the peak of sex or they're like in their fifties. Oh, because sex just gets better and better and better from the first time you have it, but it takes a long time. I didn't start having good sex till I was like twenty five.

I'm still waiting. Okay, So Michael sounds great. He was great, Like I'm into him for.

You, Yep, I would see him again.

Do you think actually, like asking those magazine questions was actually useful in work?

No, I would say doing that that part of the day felt extremely ick to me and made me feel like I was slightly outside of my body. But the rest of the day it was really fun.

But it becomes an interview, becomes like it becomes not organic.

And really it felt really falced.

Wait can you remember any of the questions?

Um?

No, sorry?

Is that give us book of records? What was that longest silence on a podcast? Oh my god, grace be won? Oh my god, you can't remember any of like what was? Surely it's like.

I've been on twenty eight days, like so many of these conversations are blurring into I am screaming, Okay, would you.

Be able to speak every language or be able to talk to animals?

Oh, I'd obviously rather be able to talk to animal, but.

Like what if they don't say much?

Do you know how much I would love to be able to have conversations with Eddie, like because we're chatting all day, Like I'm talking to her all day, like we're talking about everything. I'm telling her what I'm doing, and I would love to know what she thinks.

The thing that I would love for my cat to do is laugh at me. I'd love to make my cat laugh.

I bet you he would never laugh.

Just on purpose, and that's why I respect him.

Next time on twenty eight dates later, Look, I'm going so rd and like sweating, like, can just feel how awkward you two are? No, isn't that that awkward silence that he drinks his water?

Grace?

Did you bully him under date? I think I did, honestly, that's not like you, Grace. Oh my girls, you around for me. I'm a savage. It can hurt.

It.

Twenty eight dates Later is produced by Novel for iHeartRadio. For more from Novel, visit novel dot Audio. The series is presented by me Grace Campbell, with help from Roz Pursu and Dan Whyde. The producer is Diggory Way. The executive producer is Claire Broughton. Our editors are Mythillly Raw and Max O'Brien. Production management from Cherie Houston and Charlotte Wall. Willard Foxton is our creative director of Development.

Novel