Ep 21: The Bearded Guy

Novel.

This show contains adult material and swearing. You have been warned.

Oh my god, there's a lot of unpack here, Like I know. Oh my god, that's like terrifying that it's terrified. Oh that has absolutely freaked me out.

Now me, I'm a savage.

Are you bored of modern dating?

Meeting the same people from the same apps in the same bar You've only chosen because it's close to your house and you can make your usual quick getaway. It's time to change the narrative on how we find love. It's time to start looking for love in all the wrong places. I'm going on a wild dating adventure, only picking people who are the total opposite of my type. And after twenty eight of these dates in two months,

It's time to find out.

I'm Grace Campbell and this is twenty eight dates later.

Hey Grace, Hello, So who do we have today? So this is a guy called Ewan Who I like that name. I like the name Yuan as well. Is you an Irish or Scottish? I think it's Scottish. Well, maybe I just honestly associated with Umancgre's.

Name same, it's a fit name. So he was called Ewan. He was Australian. I met him on an app called Bristler. When I say that word, what do you think?

Bristley like Bristoley beer.

Yeah, so it's basically an app yeah for bearded people and for people who like bearded people. Okay, well now I have to say I don't know about you, but whenever I've dated someone with a bed, my skin gets so bad, like around my chin, and it just like I can't, I honestly can't fuck with beers. I'll be honest, and I don't like the way that it makes me feel on my face. I'm fine with like you know, you know my ex had like you know, a really cool mustache or like you know, a bit of a beer,

I don't.

I'm not I'm not here for beards. You would never find me on Bristler. Like my legs are pretty briskly because I'm bad of shaving them, but I like some stubble. I'm not into beards, So I have a weird thing about like if I see someone who has a beard and even a food that I just think of germs.

And also like, I'm sorry when somebody drinks a pint and then they have the beer on the top of the mustache, but the mustache is so long, like it's so grim to me.

I just I can't get on board. I'm so sorry to anyone has a beard out there. But like there's plenty of people who are into it.

Go on Bristler, No, go on Bristler.

This episode sponsored by Bristler.

The app that we found you on is an app to give with beds.

How long have you been on that?

I think I first jumped on it like in twenty fourteen.

If you always had a bed since.

Twenty twelve, okay, yeah, And I just sort of jumped on it just to see not like anything. So I've never been on tinder Bumble No, never, no, or ever like hand on my heart. Bristler is the only one that I've ever used it.

Wow, And have you not ever just been tepended to use one of the other app If you're on an app that is like literally advertised at people, Yeah, I do like beards, then they're not going to be like you've got a beard kind of thing.

So that's that's literally, that's that's the sole reason for it.

I get that, Yeah, but like I just didn't think that people had an issue like that.

So many they probably don't. That's just all me.

Can I just say, I'm obsessed with him saying that that he has had a beard.

Since since twenty twelve. Yeah, I'm trying to think, who are.

The women going on Bristler because it's such a specific thing to want to meet someone with a beard, because there are loads of beard and people on other dating apps, so to want it that much, Like, what do you think that's about?

I have a few friends, particularly Won. Her boyfriends are all carbon copies of each other, and they all have dark hair and have big beards.

So she thing for beards. So I think it must be like a trade.

It must be like you know, like if you like tall guys, it's the same, like you know, you have a specific thing that.

You go for.

It's just funny that there's actually an app for Like, I wish there was an app for all guys. It'sn't grace, you're in prime position to create one, and what would it be called?

It would be called give head standing up.

So on Bristler was it said that he's in the top twenty five best beards and then hundred klometers of me.

Right, I don't know what that means.

Sorry, the app rates the beards.

It must mean he's really popular on bristoler i'ven just.

Looking through his profile here and thirty five Australian Londoner tall tall enough talks enough humorous that's debatable. He said that himself, not me. I'm not being mean dad jokes. Yeah, he does actually seem like someone whose out a few dad jokes like sorry, this is a perfect example. Can cook woman at rice in fifty eight seconds?

Come on?

Exactly exactly.

He reminded me of like a sort of American comedy actor, Like, yeah, I don't know, but what do you think of his bit?

Yeah, it's a solid one. In fairness, it's not a bit. I just personally would rather the beard be shorter. Yeah, but also it's not too long. It's not like it's like along with the one that he can plait. It's nice, that's true, but it's still a bit is a probably it's a proper one.

Yeah, it's full.

That's why he's in the top twenty five because that's a solid bit.

Yeah, he's got great hairline.

He's got really good hair as well.

Solid i'd give him.

Now, bear in mind, I'm not a beard expertise, but i would give him a solid nine out of ten.

Wowee yay, good feedback. Well, that's why he's in the top twenty five.

So he's on this amazing app.

You have introduced us to this amazing new app for anyone listening who's into beers who did not know it existed, Yeah, there's anche there for you.

Yeah, but he actually said that Bristoler wasn't all that amazing.

I'm not sure what it's like using it from the female perspective, and I'll be very interested to hear what.

Yeah, well you could look.

Yeah, but from a nail who's using it, there's a lot of like catfishing in bots going on. Oh mate, it's hilarious. Like usually they waited about sort of like three or four sentences before they're like, can't pay your rend, bah blah blah, and I'm like, ah, here we go.

Yeah.

Oh because me, it's me and I'm stuck in Australia. I've got nothing but Foster's can can you prepend me his two thousand pounds?

Now?

You know what though, like I'd say, oh god, well, it's such a niche app you'd be surprised if that happens.

Yeah, I know, but then maybe in a way it's kind of easier to do it on a really niche app.

Yeah, So, like, are you into body hair and guys? Like, do you like someone who has like hairy chest wax chess like like waxed fully down there?

Like what what's your preference?

I don't necessarily have a preference.

I'm not obsessed with like really really hairy backs like that does a bit give me the ech.

I also just like probably if I was gonna say I.

Have a preference, I sound like a fucking man when I say this, But if I was gonna have a preference, it would be like, hell, let's but I sound like a man. It's funny, Like I actually think it's really it is really important to be honest because like I'm the same and if you hadn't said it there, I would be.

Like Jesus, that's really harsh.

But probably because I fully wax everything, Yeah that I just prefer I just feel like quite clean when I do that I would prefer that as well, But like I do think there comes a stage if you're dating someone in a relationship where that's probably isn't as important as it was at the start.

I think that's definitely true.

And you know, it's like, I'm someone I like prefer myself wax, but I'm so disorganized that often I haven't had a wax, you know what I mean. Like, I'm so busy and I find having a wax like takes like an hour out of my day, So I can't really chat because sometimes I'll have sex with a hairy, fucking vagina.

But it's like as.

Saying what I just said out loud, where I'm like, you know, I'm like over to everything, but I would prefer if their hair is Like that's what men say all the time. They're like, you know, like I don't mind it if they have a bush, but I would prefer if.

They were hairless.

I'm sorry, Can I just say when you introduced the guy with the beard, because our previous date of all have been so like out there, I was like I just automatically thought like he was.

A beard for someone. Uh no, no, he just has a beard. Oh, thank god, this is right up my streets. Okay, let's go.

Is anyone episode you that like Richard Osman? Like who Richard Osman?

I don't actually know who that is?

Really say him.

I've been what I look like a lot of things like who, mainly sort of like four eyed beauty twat and all that kind.

Of so he presents pointless.

Okay.

I get Susan Boil a lot on TikTok. Whenever I posted on TikTok, people are like, that's Susan.

Boil pre your post massive weight loss because didn't she sort of like lose quite a bit recently or semi really?

Okay, are you a biographer?

Yeah?

Did she come to your gym?

Yeah?

Not anymore because being confused for you, so she did.

Wow, that's good.

There you go next time and Boiled. Then you can just drag out one of those photos in a way.

That picture it's not loaded.

Yeah, that's that's the one on the right. Yeah yeah without I mean, she won't be jumping out of any cakes anytime soon, but you know, good for it.

I didn't know who Richard Osmond was either, and so I looked it up and I actually almost fell off my chair.

He looks nothing like him, absolutely no, But until.

I saw this one photo and I went to that that because Richindalsman doesn't have a beard usually.

But then I was like, he's giving me Richard and I'm.

Sorry, well, I'm sorry, they do look similar in this.

But then I felt bad because I was like, you don't like Riginalsman. And then he was like, what does he look like? And then we googled him and it's like the first few pictures he looked nothing like him.

And then I was like, I'm.

Not gonna argue my point here because I hate it when people tell me that I look like.

Susan Boyle, not the original. I'm not anyway.

I'm not going to get into slippery slope here of comparing richinalds On and Susan boil.

So Ross.

He was like big into beer. He was drinking guinness. He did keep getting it on his massage. I will say I wanted to tell him, but I felt like I can't because we've spoken enough about his beard.

But he was big into beer, right, and one of his side.

Hustles is he does like tours at this brewer in London, so he like loved beer. But then we were talking about Foster's and he was saying that basically when he came here, he was like, everybody thinks Foster's is like Australian, but actually it's gone having to do in Australia. And then he he's always the whole story, not that I really like give a ship because I've never drunk Fosters in my life. Can you talk me through the Fosters thing? So in Australia, it's like disgusting.

It doesn't exist in Australia. So when you came here, I bought it all with me. That's why I doesn't exist in Australia anymore. So. No, so it started off it was made in Melbourne originally, but funnily enough, it stopped being made in Australia around about the nineties because everyone started drinking it here and no one was drinking it in Australia, so they just.

They were making it in Australia.

No would I say it doesn't exist in Australia.

It doesn't exist like at all.

In the slightest bit here on the branding does it say it's like says.

From Australia, because that's where it originally came from, but it's made here in the UK entirely. If you went to Australia to go and find a Foster's, first and foremost, why do you go all the way to Australia.

Just look, foster You've got it in the courner.

Probably wasted a flight. It really doesn't exist. You can't find it there.

In England.

Foster's is marketed as this big Australian beer and everybody thinks like it's the way that you know, we know Guinness to be Irish was That's how like Foster's is being marketed. But we're just sold like a huge lie.

Whoa, that was like our fun fact of the day.

I love that shit. Yeah, I love stuff like that.

So I just like when you talked about having like phoney beer on his beard.

I really just it's a horrid moment.

Look he's doing fine, he's on that app he is like, oh my god, he's probably lows people are into beards. But yeah, I just find that and look I find it with anually, even if some of his food and their hair on their face, I'm like, get that off. No.

Also, you know when someone has beer on their like bed or mustache, so they do this thing. Obviously listeners can't see us, but it's the way they like lick it off their bed.

But they go like that and it's so proper. Gives me the egg.

So anyway, but he gave us some wisdom on the fosters. Then he told me this mad story.

Listen to this.

So this is when I was with my girlfriends. So we did a year of long distance. Right, you get involved with like the sending of content and everything like that because you can't beat them people. At the same time, you want to be connected with some kind of sexual matter. Obviously, Yeah, obviously there was a lot of back and forth in that year of long distance, as you would expect, and then when I came to London, it was all fine,

Right, so you sent your girlfriend.

Yeah, so I'm watching this screen filler and I'm just like, the fuck is this? And then they started to send me screenshots of my Facebook contexts and then they were like, you need to send us.

How did they getherre?

I don't know.

To this day, I still don't know. And they were like, you need to send us one thousand pounds right now, or we're going to send this to everyone. And I've said, well, first and foremost, guys, you're out of luck because I don't have one thousand pounds, So lower your offer and I'll see what I can do. So they kept saying, okay, well, have you got five hundred pounds. I'm like nope. But I'm like, guys, you really should have picked your target

Yeah.

Yeah.

I had a reputation in my hometown. I used to be known as the naked guy because I have a get drunken nightclubs and just run through the placecas with my clothes off when I used to work there.

But then they didn't do anything, no.

Because I all the reading that I sort of did was like, look, they're just hoping that you will pay them, because then they know they've got you because they know you're willing to pay, and they'll say if you pay us will delete it.

Yeah, but then they'll ask you again exact yeah. Yeah, So I was.

I was slowly shutting down all my social media's right, and then the last thing I said to them and they're just like, okay, well you got five minutes. And I said, you know what, guys, I said, do your fucking the worst, like you don't scare me, and I'll blocked them and then just hid my social media is.

For three months.

What a little legend. Oh my god, there's a.

Lot of unpack here, Like I know, Oh my god, that's like terrifying.

It's terrifying because how did they access that? It's terrifying.

No, that has absolutely freaked me out now, No, I know, I know.

Because honestly it is really scary and I feel like I've been quite blase in my life.

Really with.

See but like you know, like it's also it's obviously legal for people to share images with their content all that kind of stuff.

What if someone hacks into you and gets it all?

That's was I got robed last year, right, like walking along the street, my phone got taken out of my hand while it was unlocked. And my phone doesn't lock because when I do gigs, I always have to have my phone over to the tech for them to play music off of it, so I usually just have it so that it doesn't lock, so they don't need to know the password for my phone, so my phone doesn't lock like after five seconds or whatever. Anyway, this teenage boy like runs off with my phone and I for

Abusing women in for a penny, in for but you're like exactly uses my advantage.

I'm sorry, this is the most interesting date from the story.

Alone, Like, no, that is crazy that that had happened to him.

Honestly, I know that that's so crazy because it's like someone accessed his files. But the other thing that I keep hearing about this happening on dating apps, which is obviously very different to this, but still fucked. And this happened to my friend, right, So he spoke to the scirll in the summer. They'd been like dirty talking. He didn't even even send pictures. He just was like dirty

And my friend was.

Like whoa, like good luck, Like it's literally me just like talking about like myself Ianking, like do your worst kind of thing.

But they were.

Blackmailing him, and it happens quite a lot. And I reckon because a lot of people have affairs on these apps that then they'll they'll get a few people who will be so scared that will give them like ten thousand pounds.

Well, I think there's a big lesson there. Just be careful.

It is be.

Careful, be really cautious.

I think.

No, I'm I'm yeah, I'm gonna become much more careful online, grace.

Every time I do recording with you, every time I hear about day, I go in and call my boyfriend, I'm like, thank God, God Jesus.

It's so peek out in the trenches.

Yeah, this is this is bad stuff. But I loved his response. I love that he was like doing it west, mate.

Yeah, he was like, you really picked the wrong target here, mate, But a grace.

I also knowing you, like probably the worst part of that story for you is that you were like, he doesn't have thousand dollars, he doesn't have five hundred pounds. You were probably like, oh, that's the worst part of the story for you.

Next time. On twenty eight dates Later, you know me.

So well, and you think the one thing that I would want if I could wake up tomorrow is time travel or what? Because I want to be gay in the past. I want to be this gay in the past. No, thank you, you around me.

I'm a savage, he can hand.

It to.

Me.

Twenty eight Dates Later is produced by Novel for iHeartRadio. For more from Novel, visit novel dot Audio. The series is presented by me Grace Campbell, with help from Roz Pursu and Dan Whye. The producer is Diggrey Way. The executive producer is Claire Broughton. Our editors are Mithillly Raw and Max O'Brien. Production management from Scherie Houston and Charlotte Wall. Willard Foxton is our creative director of Development

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