Ep 20: The Girl

Novel.

This show contains adult material, references to drugs and swearing.

You have been warned.

I don't care how confident you are. You won't throw me into a kayak.

Say if you're going on a date tomorrow, Ah, I said to you. You can't do anything involving alcohol, food.

What would the date be?

Fuck him around me?

I'm a savage. Are you bored of modern dating?

Meeting the same people from the same apps in the same bar You've only chosen because it's close to your house and you can make your usual quick getaway. It's time to change the narrative on how we find love. It's time to start looking for love in all the wrong places. I'm going on a wild dating adventure, only picking people who are the total opposite of my type. And after twenty eight of these dates in two months, will I find that special someone? Or well, this experiment

Hello, my darling Dan.

Hello there, my sweet baby Grace.

Oh I love that.

Do you like this voice?

No?

Why not?

You sound like you're holding in a massive shit I am.

I always have or is it holding me in.

Holding you together?

Ages?

Actually that's good changing your diet. Ummmmmm, No, that's really good.

Yeah, I don't know what's happened.

That's good.

Ibs like, not not that I'm a doctor, but like it's also quite linked to anxiety, like stress and anxiety, so maybe we're just feeling less amis.

Yeah, I've actually reached balance in my life.

That's good. Okay, so you start this.

One, damn. Okay, So today you went on a date with a woman.

Yeah, gorgeous, gorgeous. This was really really actually I really enjoyed this day. I've never been on a date with a woman, Like I've gotten with women, but I've never dated a woman. But it's definitely something that.

I want to do.

Yeah, and I know, like having so many gay friends, like, I know that this is a real what I thought I was the only one, Dan, I'm in so many WhatsApp groups where it's just me and gay men.

Yeah, it's called like dick pigs.

Dick pigs.

But there's a weird, sort of confusing situation which I've had with girls before, where because you're bonding, because you're you're also just bonding and you could be friends right where.

It was like, I don't know.

I felt like we could have been flatting, but I also didn't know because I was like, we just could be just like friends.

Yeah, I don't know.

I feel like my lines with men are so much more obvious because I don't really have male friends anymore.

I've hugged them all. Yeah, And I think it's also like that thing of like like I'm quite flirtatious all the time.

Yeah, because I know you have this a lot with straight men.

Baby. I went to a fucking a straight wedding the other day. This is the Beita, and what was said to me. This guy was like, oh, hey, I like talking to you. It's quite flirty. And I was like okay, and he was like, yeah, I think I'm probably like ten percent gay, and I was like cool. And he was like and you're the kind of guy that if iways go like, I've tried sex with you, like my type.

This did not happen to God. That's insane to God. And it's like, baby, Also, how can you be like you're my type?

I would get with you, but now my percentage of decrease because don't you dare think I'm going to get with you?

Yeah, but shut the fuck up?

What is that giving me?

Like?

When was I even trying to get with you?

You've just come up to me and basically told me you fancy me, balls are rejecting me all in one's under Yeah, it's like, oh.

Thank you, sir. Yeah, I really want to I really want to have sex with you and eat out that dirty, haunted wicker basket of an ass. You're okay, no hygiene, okay. So how did you meet? What was she like? What was the vibe?

I was set up with her, so it was like, you know, recommended by a friend. She is always a nicer feeling than meeting someone online. And I thought, you exactly, And she was so like gorgeous and also so stylish. She was wearing this coade that like I would do anything for anything and anything, I'd murder her form No I'm drinking, but she was gorgeous. She looks like have you watched The Marvelous Miss Masil?

I think a little bit so she looked like.

The the main actress in that.

His name has left me, but I think it's Rachel something, but maybe I'm making that up. She looked just like she had this really striking, like amazingly pretty face.

I hope to God one day someone describes me as that. I described you as that amazingly pretty fair.

You said to me earlier that somebody told you that they wish that they'd met you before they got.

Their nose done. Yeah, because the would have my nose. Yeah, do you have a great nose?

You have a great nurse, as do I.

As to you. It's two beautiful girls recording as Wow, God is good if she's there.

So yeah, we sat down. How to drink? She wasn't drinking, and so I didn't either.

I had a non alcoholic beer.

If you're wondering, Wow, the evolution of self, I know, look at me at the growth.

My type is very varied.

But I think at the core of like everyone I've ever dated, is confidence. Yeah, people who like themselves and.

Just to start themselves.

I like throwing people into situations like yeah, you're part and seeing how they react to them. Yeah, I think that being like okay, I know now because you can like go on like what mean like social city, Yeah, social situations like I do like let's I don't know, go kayaking or something something where it's not just you sat down having drink, because any could be anyone of.

That fl and it is so easy to perform.

I don't know if it's because men are a plague, but straight away from like love the dates that I've we've listened to, I love her.

I love her no. And she has such a nice voice.

Yeah, and she's like there's an energy to it and it's like nice.

But do you know she was like younger than us. She was like twenty six.

I think I am twenty one.

She was so emotionally evolved.

I was like, but imagine saying like my type is confident people like, oh, it's such a great thing to say. And you are so aware of yourself and you have high standards of behavior, like you want people to a certain selves and you know that you like challenging people like she's so self reflective.

Like yeah, I feel like I do.

Stuff like that, but in a self destructive way where like I'll like someone and so I'll throw them in a situation to maybe sabotage the relationship, because like I'll take them to a dinner bar of all of my crazy friends who takes shrooms and end up like pretending to faint.

Okay, I was not there. That was not me. No, but I don't care how confident you are, you won't throw me into a kayak. To be honest, I like, have I what is like a good like between you? Like nice tip a tap?

I remember you spoke about a date that you went on where you went to like a game's cafe with like loads of games. Oh yeah, but what apart from that, Like what would be OK, say, if you're going on a date tomorrow, I said to you, you can't do anything involving alcohol.

Food, what would the date be?

Fucking?

Am I right?

Like? For me, I like to go see something like I quite like my first day will chat catch up, like get to know each other. The second day, I like to like go see something so we can talk about something present and like a culture experience.

But would you because then I'm like going to see something like a film or the theater.

You can't speak through it.

Yeah, I quite like that sometimes. But I quite like someone's like because it says a lot about someone how they react to like art, do you know what I mean? Like if they have opinion of something, and like, for me, I like someone to have a creative vocabulary and like so I can like connect with them by sharing similar creative passions.

That's true.

And also you can see the kind of like intellectual level that they're on on how they sort of like respond to things and interpret things exactly.

And I think it's also nicely in terms of like dating is experiencing something new, So I wouldn't mind someone being there, like, hey, have you ever done this? And as long as it's not like I don't know, like something to sport based, like I don't want to do anything exercise based really, but like if they were like, you want to try this out? But yeah, that sounds real.

Fun, I do agree.

I feel like because I and we both have like grown up in a culture that's so oriented around alcohol. It's just for me if somebody said, hey, should we go this do this like left field thing that I've never done before, my immediate mind reaction would be like ick, ick something wrong, something wrong, something wrong, because it's the cool thing is to just go for a drink, but

Yeah, and it can be so boring just saying the same fucking thing again and again and again. Like it's quite nice to do something and like experience something first hand together.

I agree.

Yeah, Like I've got friends who like meet someone and then the person's just like, I'm going away tomorrow, want to come bitch someone take me away?

Why is that happened to me?

Honestly, I don't know. It's never happened to me either.

And then I guess, like there is the element of safety, Like I'm not sure I would just go away with like a complete stranger. Yeah.

True, But I mean, if you're going to try and kill me, maybe I'm ready.

Or maybe let's just do it somewhere home.

Yeah, I don't mind if you're taking me some exotic and then murder me. It's like I always say, like, if you're going to murder me, just fuck me first, you know what I mean.

So I realized that for like the beginning of the day one of my boobs had been.

My nipples out. I'm wearing the smallest bra.

Man missed this man in the public like my nipples out, so he said something.

I wouldn't say anything.

It was by accident, but I would like, but would you Okay? For example, I was having mis argument with someone the other day.

If you were with someone and they had.

Really bad breath, would you tell them?

If it was a friend, yeah, If it was someone you were getting with, would you tell them?

Yeah? Yeah. I think it was like a stranger and they.

Had their nipple out or they had bad breath. I would never say anything.

Yeah, I don't know know, I wouldn't say I would.

I definitely want to say a stranger, you have bad breath, because why are your breath?

Why can I smell your breath?

Go away from me?

But like I think I had this argument with my friend because she got with this guy and then I was getting.

My bait.

And she she was like messaging me like, oh my god, he's in my bed and his breast well so bad.

I was like, so I don't fucking brush.

His seeve like that's fine, You're allowed to stay. Like I would say, oh you can borrow my teeth.

Br you can kiss me, thank you very much, not smelling your fucking brath.

Okay, so your nick was out, but the important question is was it your good tip?

Both are good, first of all, don't offend me.

But it was broad daylight, daytime, kids could see me, so I can understand, like why it would be a bit in appropriate for one of my tips to be.

Out, I guess. But everyone needs in education. Sometimes that is.

True, and you know it's lucky them for it to be like my boot Yeah what too great tips fame.

Look me at my vape, look at my mape addtion to vaping. Oh god, I was like trying to open a lost mary look like the tip like the foil package, and I cut my lip on it and I was like, okay, an injury for being gen z. Wow. Wow.

You know, after COVID, I lost my smele so much, so I can't.

Tell him I don't like someone smell. I'm like you're like, yeah, no, idea, No, I don't.

In my line, I don't date one because yeah, I didn't want Why I was seeing this guy and I was so into him, maybe like him, And then like fourth time we met off and we like got together and I was like whoa, Like he'd been at work all day and like fair enough to get another chower. But I was like he literally stay disgusted, and it's really like every part of my body is like get this person away.

I have a situation before where someone's had bad breath, like we were like hooking up, and I just I don't know why. I this is so many to figure out it myself, right, I please too much, Like I get worried about offending somebody, especially in an intimate environment that they might not like me, or like they might like go or something very much giving Daddy, why did you leave? But like this person had bad breath and it really took me out. But I just couldn't be like, baby,

But to that point, why would you be worried about offending someone when their breath is really bad, you know what I mean, Like you should more save the situation, be honest, because otherwise you're never going to see them again because their breath's not like shit.

Yeah. I remember one time, like I was seeing this guy and he didn't shower as much as I'd like him too, which is like such a thing I don't need in my life. I remember being like, maybe like before we'd have sex in the morning, maybe like we shower, that'd be quite hot, because I was like, I need to figure out a way that we do this, because like I don't want to be going down on you and just smell.

Like no, I know, it's really bad.

I was once getting with the guy and he had traveled from another place to come and see me, and he arrived and he smelled so bad that the second one was and I was like, I'm really sorry.

I'm going to need you to have a shower before you can have sex.

So he had a shower you whack out the hose put in the garden to show him down, and then he.

Got out the shower and he kind of still smelled, and I was like, oh, I feel like, this is like a more problem.

But it's an animal thing, right. Smells its attraction.

Is the most important thing to me.

Smelling boys. Smelling boys. Yeah, and obviously it's over six or four, like eight inch and above.

One hundred grand in the bank.

Yeah, smell and boys flowers with the Rubby poetry.

That's it.

That's it.

I'm not asking for much. Then she she said something very cute and endearing about herself.

Okay, I actually I'm a bit scared of the dark.

I really, Yeah, it's getting worse.

It's not getting better, it's getting worse because I was.

Really scared of the dark when I was younger.

Now I'm not. So.

I was on a date with somebody and we'd gone back to their place and I literally was like, I'm bursting for the loop, but the hallway is dark and I don't know where the light is. And I had to finally be like, can you come with me to the bathroom? And she's like well, and I was like, can you come with me to the bathroom?

Really scared at the dark.

That was like, you're joking, that's really cute, deadly serious. We told your hand.

I was like no, no, no, with me.

I was fine, want me there, and then like potentially the lights are.

Going to be one of those ones at time. Grow up, grow up, I guess. I mean everyone's got fear wat yours me big alone? No, I As I get older, small spaces kind of freak me out a little bit

A fear quite a lot. Like I have a really big fobeu of escalators. I don't know if you know this, but I like hate escalator.

Yeah, the two nankis.

So when I.

I havn't none of it go on.

So when I was a child, me and my family went on a holiday to Rome and we got to like a metro station in Rome and it was shut and I said to my parents.

I was like, why is the metro station shut?

My dad said, oh, because an escalator broke and it opened up and it ate up two nuns and then a man trying to save the nuns went to pull the nuns out of the escalator and lost his arm. Right. So from then on, I developed this horrific fear of escalators. So whenever I was on and I was imagining it opening up and eating me. And then I mentioned it in front of my dad, like a couple of years ago, and he was like, Grace, it was obviously a joke.

It was the first time those up. It's good for that.

That is. So my grandfather, he's like started to get Alzheimer's and it's just like lifted the barrier of boundaries and he just talked flat everything, and you're like, okay, that's a lot.

And like my grandmother died three years.

Ago or something, and he started dating, like you're lying three years old and he's dating like three women.

Still now with aut silence. Yeah, Like he's got like an.

It's completely fine.

But he'll like, oh my god, that's amazing exactly.

But the weirdest thing is he like starts telling you stuff and You're like, I'm your granddaughter.

I do not I don't want to know that like that, like one too far.

Like he said of the day that the woman that he was dating asked him if she could look in his bedroom at something, and he was like, yeah, of course, leaves her in there and he goes to check on her in like fifteen minutes. It was like, we' she's been a long time. What to do?

It comes into the bedroom.

And she's fully naked in his bead apparently like they're in their eighties and I'm not being ages, but I was quite like, wow, that's very forward for that generation.

Wow I live, I like I honestly so, I'm obsessed with great and Frankie Wort, Oh my god saying for like Comfort TV show and the way that they like portray like that age when you're a single person, it's lit.

It can be little. You can be there in the retirement home shagging around.

Yeah, and also like because like our idea of an old generation is like our grandparents or like people who are still affected by like the rigidity, rigidity rigidity of like uh, you know, the oppressive Victorian esque like Catholic religious country, so they still have that still on them a little bit. But like imagine us old, like we're already not like that, so like it can only get worse.

Oh that's so true. I've never even thought about that.

That's so true because now it's like a kind of rarity, Like that's that story is like rare, Like my grandma's been single since my granddad died thirty years ago. But now you're so right, like we're all going to be like baby, wan, there will be ScDs rifing around.

But that's the thing though, and people, because I love that you how happy that makes me?

Do you know how happy it makes me?

Yeah?

Baby, thinking about like actually how fun old age can be because I feel like it's portrayed as like such a negative thing. And that's why I think Grays and Frankie is like actually groundbreaking television because watching Grayce and Frankie, I'm like I would.

Have be an old woman, Yeah, only a she old rich woman on a beach.

That's all I want.

I do.

Remember one time I was like a child and I was at my grandparents and I came down the stairs and I had my grandad on the phone and it was his birthday and he was speaking to his mate and he was like, shouldn't we give me a blow drop? Last night? That week, I found out that my naan had fake teeth for the first time, and I was like, so she It was in my head. I was like, oh god, no, not my name's my Grandad's sick. But then also thinking if she did, did she gummy grave blow job?

But that's a great bloke. Honestly, that's all you have. It's all you want is no tea, no tea, no, Okay.

I personally love this person, like I think she's got a great energy, a great vibe. I think I love how like her ethos is, like knowing who she is and wanting to be around people who are similar. Did you vibe it? Did you?

We did? Yeah?

And we we said that we would maybe go to a sex party or like one of those events together. Yeah, And we followed each other in with a granddad, with her granddad and my grandma because I was thinking, oh my god, yeah, exactly. We Yeah, we said that we followed each other and we said that we would go

And so it was a great first date to have a woman.

And it's so important I think those first few steps into like looking at quick relationships for them to be like safety and positivity and like just to know that like this thing that has been like readiness to be scary and the fear of the unknown in actual reality can be beautiful.

It can be exactly. Women are obviously like superior, amazing. Yeah, next time.

On twenty eight dates Later.

When you introduced the guy with the beard, because our previous date of all have been so like out there, I just automatically pot like he was a beard for.

Someone, I was like, oh no, he thank god, this is right up my streets. Okay, let's go around me.

I'm a savage.

Twenty eight Dates Later is produced by Novel for iHeartRadio. For more from Novel Visit novel Dot Audio. The series is presented by me Grace Campbell with help from Roz Pursu and Dan Why. The producer is Diggory Way. The executive producer is Claire Broughton. Our editors are myth Lely Raw and Max O'Brien. Production management from Charie Houston and Charlotte Wall. Willard Foxton is our creative director of Development

Novel