Ep 2: The Therapist

This show contains adult material and swearing.

You have been warned.

Some of my best friends are like some of the most mentally ill people in the world. Thank you, you're welcome. Not Dan thinking he's my best.

Friend, not great, He's thinking I'm mentally ill.

Around me, I'm a savage. Are you bored of modern dating?

Meeting the same people from the same apps in the same bar You've only chosen because it's close to your house and you can make your usual quick getaway. It's time to change the narrative on how we find love. It's time to start looking for love in all the wrong places. I'm going on a wild dating adventure, only picking people who are the total opposite of my type. And after twenty eight of these dates in two months,

It's time to find out.

I'm Grace Campbell and this is twenty eight dates later.

Dan, Welcome to the twenty eight dates later.

Thank you?

Who are you? And what do you do with your life?

Okay, you sound out my therapist. I am done. I'm done. Why Daniel Patrick Francis, Why.

Oh I didn't know those your middle names.

Yeah they are. And I am a comedian. I work mainly in like comedy cabaret. I have a drag character called Seance where I do like a comedy seance, I contact the dead. But then I was sorted to stand up with myself. I'm six foot four and a half. I like long walks from the beach and long dicks in my mouth. Yeah, I'm here looking for love in all the wrong places. How would you introduce.

Me someone who's like on and off bullied me since I was like eighty years old. Yeah, rarely says a nice thing about me, but like one of my favorite people in the world because I'm toxic, So that's perfect.

I love it. I love the abuse.

I love the abuse. I actually do really want to know who you want on a date with This week.

This week I went on a date with a man, well, with a man who's becoming a therapist. Okay, with a man who's training to be a therapist. And there are some benefits in my head of going out with a therapist because of how much money I've paid for therapy in my life, of course, and it would be economical, but also I I worry that going out with a therapist, they're either over therapizing you or you think they're not, and then therefore you think they're about therapists.

Well, yeah, because I guess it's like, so, how much is someone's job like bleed into your relationship and how much should that happen? Do I mean, like, I mean, it's.

Like card as a therapist. If you're dating like someone like us.

Well, it's like if I date a carpenter, you are making me a table exactly. I'm dating a builder, you're putting up the shelves. Yeah, I just don't do hard labor. I think.

I just think a lot of therapists have had some deep trauma.

But how do you know that, because you can't ask therapists that.

No, because I know a lot of therapists.

And so it's like to do to start wanting to be a therapist, often something's happened to you where you have then benefited from therapy. And so actually this is a really interesting job for me. And to be an analyst, like in the Freudian like way of therapy, you have to do analysis five times a week. So an analyst also sees an analyst five times a week.

How much money would you pay to hear what your therapist says about you?

A lot, a lot of them. I think about it often.

Sometimes I think when I'm talking that he's just sat there, like with his little notebook and he's just writing danis so fair, danis so fair, over and over again. You know, like, what was it like red Rams. It's like that he's just writing downs Denis.

I feel, No, he's probably just writing, well, must must buy eggs.

Yeah, so rare beans, must buy beans?

Yeah. Why does this pathetic bitch think they shouldn't be single all the time? And they hear what comes out of their mouths?

Yeah, to a therapist, we must sound so self involved.

Well that's what you pay them for.

No, I know, but I sometimes get conscious of it, but then I'm like, no, I carry on. Okay. So it was a man called Jacob.

I think the only bitch I saw before I met him was the one of him with like goggles on his head and no top on this one.

Oh they're not googles. Yeah, that was the only one I saw.

I mean you.

Yeah, he was a good looking, great bone structure. Yeah, he's got really good bone structure. Yeah, jaw yeah, No, he was very good looking.

But sometimes I just wish I had a bad jaw, Like sometimes I think I'm a mussive because I've got a pouch under my fucking chin.

I don't know what you mean.

What's the more superil baby, David Bough, I'm so sorry for this. Like a kangaroo.

Okay, oh okay, okay. So he didn't have a pouch under his gym.

He had like a really really well structured face, very slim looking face.

Like slim in a hot like rock and roll way.

Yeah yeah, yeah, Like have you watched Daisy Jones and the six okay, like the main guy and that has a tight face.

Yeah yeah, yeah, literally like like.

Sickly Victorian child, but make it poorn.

Yeah exactly, No, literally, I'll come on your face.

Don't come up there, mother, is that allow us to come up there? But I'll come on your face.

He actually looked quite Victorian, this guy.

He does.

Yeah, he does look quite Victorian. But you're training to be a therapist.

Yeah, I'm trying to be a therapist.

What kind of therapy?

Psychotherapy, counseling, that sort of thing. So listening to people.

That's cool. What made you want to do that.

Well, I mean, yeah, I had therapy myself.

Yeah, of course, so is the trajectory.

Yeah, I mean for me, I had like like nineteen, had big old depressive breakdown, had a year off UNI right, therapy was great. I'm twenty eight, yes, god quite young.

Yeah, you will be a therapist when you're thirty.

Yeah, that's a plan.

Do you think people will be like you're a bit young to give me therapy?

Yeah? Potentially.

Don't you think though, if my therapist was thirty, I'd be like, fucking.

Oh my therapist was my age, I'd be like, what the fuck do you know?

Yeah? No, literally, I know.

You're spending your weekends masturbating and crying of like watching Netflix. Don't try me with that.

No, I would really be like arks.

Honestly, I wouldn't pay.

A thirty year old to do my therapy.

Honestly.

Not.

I'm paying my therapist because of thirty year.

Old exactly know what I mean? Exactly?

I need it to be like an old, dumpy woman because actually my therapist is like really fit and game.

How old is your therapist?

I've never asked, but I'm assuming. I'm assuming maybe in his forties. I used to have a therapist who used to fall asleep in my sessions. I used to vape and then fall asleep in my session.

How would you see?

He was older, he was like in his sixties. I'm sat there talking about my daddy issues.

Yes, man is like vaping sleep.

Yeah, he's like dad, look at this, look at this.

I can do a bomb.

My therapist was the caterpillar and that Alison would have loved.

I sometimes feel like to be a therapist, your life is so draining that like, at the end of the day, can you really give like your partner that much when you see like seven clients a day who were all like going through so much shit. I mean, I also worry if I was dating a therapist, I'd be like, I'm a better therapist than you, and so you shouldn't be a therapist.

But I think that is also the relationship of like the therapy relationship. And also to be fair, I say this about like a therapists, but listen more. I just told your story about my therapist vaping and falling asleep, which is like most of.

My exes exactly.

Just smoke and ignore me. Love that love you all, shout out all my exes love you all. Maybe one time my therapist and one needs to ape and fall asleep. He once saw me perform Sayance with his daughter and in that show I Get my balls out?

Did he come like did you invite game? When I Got my balls out? He came all over you invite him?

I think he kind of mentioned it and it was his daughter's birthday and I was like, yeah, sure, But like afterwards, I was like, that's actually crossing a boundary.

Yeah, that's quite weird.

You see my balls on stage.

I've never had a therapist who like acknowledges any of my work.

Really. Yeah, that's a good thing, because your work is trash.

What was your friendship group at school?

Like my friendship group at school?

Like, were you like, were you like an indie boy?

Yeah? We were, like we were kind of Indian between us.

It was just really popular. Really, yeah, ship. I was like the poshest girl in my year but.

Was friends with everyone, right, okay.

And then had like my you know, very different friendship friendship groups really, but they're also my best friends.

Now.

Yeah, I want to kill myself.

Honestly, if you had said that to me on a day, I would have walked out before you would finished the sentence, would have walked out. I was really popular. I was the poshous girl I was.

I was popular for a posh girl. It's basically my point. I wasn't the most because you no. No, No, I was because the posh girls in my school were less popular.

Like I had the tallest horse. My horse was taller than everyone else.

No, I didn't actually tell anyone at school I had a horse, because that would have meant that I wasn't popular.

I'd have put a horse in secret.

That is so an essex. I love that though, because actually to do what I find those like school dynamics live forever. I was saying to my friend the other day. I was saying that because for us at school, because I was kind of like mean and popular, but in that way that I was in the closets, so I had to be mean to people so they weren't so mean to me, right, So I always hung out of like the cool, like pretty girls. Sometimes I'm jealous of people who were maybe more nerdy at school because they

Like, I get that.

I get that as well, but I also think it's I don't think those people who also had hobbies at school were not really conscious of what people thought of them.

Baby. It's like when people say the best yearsual life are at school, Are you mad?

I got a war on my nose at school, right, and nobody said a rude word about it to my face, like people were so scared of you were popular? No, and nobody said anything, And I said it was a rice crispy, And then all people said was like.

Oh, how's your rice crispy?

Wait?

What do you mean you said it was because it looked like a rice crispy on the end of my nose. I'm literally about to be sick anyway.

So then I got the water removed. You get it from and off. If you've ever ever had a war. It's really relatable.

Star.

Yeah, that's I had one on my hand. Obviously I had gone like that. Actually that year I was playing Beatrice as well. Much Ado. Anyway, do a number five, But that's another story. So anyway, the day I went to go and get my war removed, I went and got it frozen off. It's a very standard procedure at the doctor. But I took my mum's phone afterwards, and on my mum's phone texted all of my best friends being like, really bad news and Grace's operation went really wrong and she's actually died.

Shut off.

And then Anna, Ella, Emily and they were all on the heath being like, oh my god, Grace is dead.

Like oh my god.

They're like all hang out and well Grace is dead. And then like ten minutes later, I was like, psych.

What was it in die? You fucking idiots?

Sorry, they were just like on the heath singing ding dong. The witch is said.

I actually handed in my notice really congratulations, yeah, like last week and then what you're leaving? I'm moving back to my old company.

It's very like gen Z Millennial.

Everyone there is like on the thirty five nice.

A lot of them my graduates.

Nice, So it's very social. Yeah, that's nice.

Everyone knows they're living under the thumb of capitalism and they keep that aware.

So I mean, you don't really look like botseritive capitalism. I could like the thumb. Yeah that's true, that's true.

Yeah from his daddy. You know.

What, what's your.

You're can ask my political the first day? Oh my days, that's a red flag.

Really, I think it's.

Wait, just quickly, when he says that's a red flag, is he telling you that he's a communist. I don't know why he thought there was a red flag to talk about. I mean, you don't want to be like what three months in and find out you're dating like a toy.

I had a term the other day called woke fishing. Right have you heard this term? So it's basically when so.

They're just putting anything in front.

Of fishing no I know. Yeah.

Anyway, So it's basically a girl that I met and she was like a sort of like she's like feminist and like quite like outspoken and stuff. And she started seeing this guy and he was like, I think it's amazing what you do. I think it's amazing that you like your blah blah, sort of making her feel like he's like on the same page as her. Then they went on holiday together and he was like, I have to tell you something.

I'm a conservative.

But she said that like they've been seeing each other like two months, and there was no sort of like sign of that because he'd been woke fishing her.

So that was a new phrase.

But then also like, how can you trust that man because he's lied to you for two months? I know, what is the basis of trust?

Would you ever date a Tory because.

You're political, Like it's so important how you see the world, Like if those things don't line up, then I think it's really difficult, like when there are discussions about things on different pages. I did once accidentally suck off a Tory in the park, okay, but I didn't realize that here was a Tory. I think, like I was, I was sucking him.

When did you find out during?

Well, it was during.

Because I was sucking him off and he was like, oh, yeah, that's good. Oh And I was like, okay, I'm sucking off Nigel Thornbury like it's actually disgusting, and he kept being like you naughty boy, and I was like, this is actually but then the worst part is that, like afterwards I realized that I'd been kneeling in nettles, no bitch nettles. So then I had to be like sacka jaweya and was there like, hey, can you have me find a dot leave? And we were like rubbaging for

Could I get the plant burger but without fries?

The fries?

Oh yeah, then you can have the Yeah, okay, so we'll just get the number one. Okay, thank you. It's because I'm meant to be on a diet.

Why are you doing that to me?

Because when I've been on tour, I've been like eating so much shit and drinking every day. So I'm just trying to like feel a bit healthier. It's not really diet, it's more like I want to be healthier.

Yeah, I mean to be honest, Like I listened to that and I was like, and the award for the driest.

Chat goes to Grace Campbell.

Goes to Grace Campbell with the plant burger talking about how she's not gonna eat fries because she's on a diet.

Yeah, make that makes me that bit makes me sound like quite dry, I'll be honest.

Dry as a plant burger.

Yeah, dry as a plant burger, which was dry as well. And also then the chips came, and I regretted saying he could have my chips because I wanted the chips. But I was like, I'm not going to have one of his chips because it will make him think like this is more deep than it is if I have one of his chips.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, I actually have this disease. Doctors have recently told me, well, I can't help but order a side of chips as well as the chips I get in the meal. Like that's actually a disease that I might die from.

But do you know what I mean? Like if I leant over one of his chips, he'd think were like fancy was given lady in the tramp. No, it's giving like it's it's too intimate to have.

It's not giving lady the tramp. It's given and give it one of.

Those it's giving grabby grabby oliver twist.

Yeah you got to pick a pocket or yeah, yeah, yeah.

You a dumper or a dumpy or a mix.

No, I'm definitely more like we argue and then we're like if this isn't working, but then we talk every day for like six months after we break up.

Kind of Oh right, okay, you've never had like a clean break Oh I missed a clean breakup.

Really, that's why you're a therapist.

Dump or dumpy. I prefer people to dump on me.

Then the question what like emotionally or like with ship.

Scat scat, are you the dumper or the dumpy?

More so get dumped? I think I just don't want to hurt someone, so I like often wait for I don't know if I could do it, to be honest, like I think it'd be.

So awkward, it's so awkward.

I just don't. There's been a few times where i'veet, like just use one of those lame excuses being there like it's going for a bit of a hard time at the moment, which sometimes obviously is true, but.

Like most of the time that isn't true though.

I know, but like when you receive that message, you have to believe it's true or else you are going to lease.

I never believe it's true when people say it.

I always do.

I really, I'm just because it's not a reason you can be in a bad You definitely can, but like I'm saying, I'm often in a really bad place. It's

That, like, I really do believe it when people say that.

So your flip flopping is what you're saying right now.

No, because I just try and say from the get go now unless maybe we are soul mates, I'm not sure if I even believe in that.

Well, it's also like, all because your anxiety is pequing doesn't mean you had to think I'm my best mate.

Yeah, you know what I mean. That's what I mean.

Like, I'm in some really mentally bad ways, but I don't behave in some of the ways that men have tried to excuse their behavior for on their mental health in the past. I just don't love it as an excuse. Like some of my best friends are like some of the most mentally ill people in the world.

Thank you, you're welcome. Not Dan thinking he's my best.

Friend, not great thinking I'm mentally ill.

But they would never be like I'm sorry I've been like they would never do something shitty and like it's because of my mental health, Like it's not fair.

What was your ideal date?

To be honest? Student comedy is Yeah, that's good. I like that.

Likes a good way to measure what someone's like as well, seeing like what they find funny.

And also like because I just enjoy it, I'm like, well, yeah, something funny.

Yeah, that's true.

I do feel quite lucky as a man, to be honest, because I feel like the average woman you meet on a day is worse going to be a little too self obsess maybe a little bit too, but that's it.

The problem is when.

You're dating men, you're putting yourself up or going on a date with a fucking freak who likes or not even that, but like you know, this whole thing that I'm doing, it's like.

You just never know what you are.

Yeah.

So yeah, I mean this is definitely a good one because it's the normal conversation.

Okay, So like was it a vibe? Was it flirtatious? Like was the date going?

Well, the date was fine, it was like fine fit Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was like a fine day. But I would say, like it's like one of those things. So you know when you're on a date and you bump into someone you know, or like you get talking to someone else and you wish you were hanging out with that other person.

Do you ever have that? Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, So like that happens to me quite a lot, to be honest, Like when I'm on date, it's is like I'll be on a day and I'll either get recognized, which obviously happens all the time because I'm really famous, or bump into someone I know, yeah, and just be like I would rather be hanging out with this person than the person I'm on a date with. And that's a sign to me that this is not a vibe.

She had like an Instagram account which.

Was like all about how she's got like a completely pink house, like everything her house is pink. And I just loved her so much as she was absolutely like pissed and it was like two in the afternoon.

And that is a classic stereotype or archetype of your fan base.

Yeah it is.

Yeah, I know that was meant to be an insult, but it didn't work.

It was an insult. I am a fan of yours. I'm also drinking a pint of rose at two o'clock.

Yeah you are, and.

My house is pink by house, I mean, so you're saying the highlight of your date was when your fan came and.

Interrupted yeah, it was definitely the peak. Yeah, it was the peak and energy.

But maybe that's because I prefer the energy of women and gay men more than I do like straight men. So I think I always, even when I have a boyfriend, like, I prefer being around like my friends.

You know what I mean.

Also, why you always try and hit on me?

Yeah?

I know. And it's also where my type is famously gay man.

Yeah, I'm a straight woman. But thank you. That's a shame.

He's well, maybe you should go with him.

I don't want to. Okay, Well then I don't want to think about sleeping with two therapists in my life.

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, but like I thought, he was like a like a not a bad person.

No, he seems like he was nice. He was not.

Yeah, he was nice, and he seemed like a sort of like healthy person.

Would you let him be a therapist?

No, because I would never have a male therapist.

I mean fair, that's fair. We both know that you can't go on a date with me, which is the reason that you cried.

I muster, bitch, it was, but you came thinking about you.

Why are you going to date of a girl I would.

Like to go on a date with a girl.

Yeah, that'd be cute.

Find me one next time. On twenty eight dates later, did his primary partner know he was going on a date with you?

She did, okay, but you know, do you think she would have been intimidated by no solid solid now.

Around me?

Savage, he can hurt it an you love.

The Baby.

Twenty eight dates Later is produced by Novel for iHeartRadio. For more from Novel, visit novel dot Audio. The series is presented by me Grace Campbell, with help from Roz Pursu and Dan Whyde. The producer is Diggory Way. The executive producer is Claire Broughton. Our editors are Mithillye Rau and Max O'Brien. Production management from Charie Houston and Charlotte Wall. Willard Foxton is our creative Director of Development.