Ep 13: The Bouldering Vegan Cyclist

Novel.

This show contains adult material and swearing. You have been warned. I'm dead that I actually gagged when he said bouldering. That's so funny from me.

No, that's it. We don't need to hear any more from.

Oh my God, having me I'm a savage. Are you bored of modern dating? Meeting the same people from the same apps in the same bar You've only chosen because it's close to your house and you can make your usual quick getaway. It's time to change the narrative on how we find love. It's time to start looking for love in all the wrong places. I'm going on a wild dating adventure, only picking people who are the total opposite of my type. And after twenty eight of these

Grace, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, I know here. Well, we need to get straight into this guy. You sent me this guy's profile, Ray, and I think you've hit the jackpart here.

He's baffing it. Ah so Ba and I'll tell you what he was bath in person, Like I actually didn't realize he was going to be that bar and he was more hot in real life, especially what I'm trying to say where.

Okay, so his profile first, Like obviously I've seen his profile. I don't hear the date went, but like from the get go, he is handsome, He's a vegan cyclist. There's photos of him shopping for beans and lentils of the supermarket.

With bride flag on his face.

And then there's one where he's like fake DJing, which not a fan.

Of but no I'm not. I'm not a fan of that one his things.

I was looking for al pro passion fruit yogurt? Is that like some that's Joe analogy? Okay, I think it's a joke. Right. Is he French?

I thought he was maybe going to be French he works for a French vegan company. Well, I don't know. I spoke better French than him, but he was ba right, So he turned up. Yeah, he had cycled to the date, which, I will be honest is a bit of a nick for me. I don't like people turning up to meet me sweaty, I'm afraid, but he came and he had brought me a present.

Is this the first present you've got?

Yeah? I think so. Yeah, I think this is yeah, And can we, by the way, can we normalize bringing gifts on a first day? I think it's really chic.

And so he's also a bold vegan. What's bouldering?

Right?

So bouldering is basically like rock climbing, but they don't have to attach themselves to anything. It's like rock climbing without like going as high.

Yeah, okay, I was thinking that.

Yeah, So I would say the bouldering and the cycling things are both massive inchs of mine. I want stated somebody who was really into rock climbing, and by what.

I'm into hiking and rock climbing.

Hiking is different. I love hiking, but the whole culture around going to these places where they go in London to go climbing does quite give me the ick. It's not like the actual thing itself, it's the way that people talk about it and have like their little fucking climbing shoes attached to their backpack while they're cycling along. It's like you've got the bingo card of like all of the things you can be to be like, hit, do you know what I mean?

I have a question.

What was the gift? So he brought me vegan bacon from the company that he works for, and he said that he had a friend who was a fan of mine.

O great snow fence. That wasn't a present. They're just trying to get you to post a bit.

No I know, I know, No I know, And do you know what was? I haven't because they haven't paid me.

Also, did you try?

It wasn't nice? It's banging. Bacon is banging. I've been eating it loads. It is banging, okay, but I'm not posting about it because you.

Know you're gonna have to text me the brand because I love.

Yeah, it's banging. It's really bad.

That is today's sponsor. Today's sponsor. It is vegan bacon. And the brand is actually called banging because you keep saying it.

So you cycled over?

Why tell me why you hate cyclists.

I just don't like dating people who buy bikes everywhere because I find it really inconvenient annoying. How do you move around and somebody's got a bike that's more more a bit?

So what do you do?

I work for a company they make vegan bacon. The reason I got this bag is two.

Things go on. It's got loads of vegan bacon in it.

Yeah, only show me show bacon signing whether or not you deserve to have.

Never had any desire for vegan bacon. Are you vegan?

Yeah?

You're vegan? Okay, So my bag is insulated. Oh my god, that's like a deliver bag. That's like a bag.

Deliver Wow, which, if anything, it's good.

For to I love the He had one of those bags. It was like a backpack, but then he opened it and it was like a cooler bag inside the backpack to transport all his vegan bacon. He's obviously like taking around all his dates. Don't you think he's got a cute voice as well?

He does?

Just me, he was.

He had like a cute voice.

I liked the way that he spoke.

So he works for a vegan bacon company.

Rod stopped looking the vegan bacon company. They haven't even paid us.

He cycles everywhere like you and him. You and him could just get a tricycle. Oh my god, you could have a whole life. Oh it could be sponsored by the vegan bacon people and you can be tricycleaning around the place.

I can't tell you how unwell that makes me feel as a concept.

You kind of have the same hair.

Yeah, that's true. We did have the same hair. Yeah, we did have the same hair.

Grace, did you tell him how good looking he was?

Oh? Yeah, we're you always very good looking? What you're very good looking? But you've you've got like a very like structurally good face than you were. You've always been looking like at school where you've been looking.

I've always had good feedback from the Grandmass. They've always they've always been like, oh, gorgeous boy. But then I kind of realized I say that to everyone.

I think you're very attractive. Thanks. I think I am as well. I don't doubt that. But no nobody ever says I look like an attractive famous back.

Well, maybe there isn't someone attractive famous person. I got it quite flustered, so I've not checked my face.

Really hot, I thought, so. I was actually flustered when you came in. Yeah, you're really good looking, and I've got grace relaxed, Relax, Relax, Jesus, Grace. This is why I'm single. I have no call, and I fancy someone.

I just made him.

Did he go right?

Yeah?

He was really flustered. Yeah, he was really flustered.

You can tell, you can tell.

Yeah, I can't believe I did that. But that's why I do. This is a problem, Like, this is why Like when I don't like someone, I don't like them, but then they think I like them. When I like someone, I'm like, oh my god, you're so hot, That's what I say. I'm like, oh my god, I fancy you so much.

So, like he seems like a pretty tame guy in that, like he's ticked all your ickboxes, which means he's probably actually a really nice guy. Was there anything? Was there anything that he did that wasn't like, I mean actual flag.

So it was going really well, and I was like, I want to fuck this guy, was what I was feeling. I was very attracted to him. And then he started telling me that he is a spoken word poet.

Basically, do you like comedy? Do you have what comedy?

I also try and do some stand up, not stand up for poetry.

I really.

Let's just say hot takes on injustices that I turned into some top lass.

Well, hopefully you can destigmatized spoken word for me. Yeah, but the spoken world is a huge it's a hugely stigmatized thing.

In my beautiful bowl on the plates, lonesome chip doesn't know it's face. What a lovely wide pot he couldn't eat because it was too hot.

It's just good. Tell me where to stop now, you carry on if you on? Yeah, why do you do a bespoke home about me? That kind of was It was about a lonely bowl of chip. Really, that's been the highlight.

No, we don't need to hear any more from him, that was it. No, he went too far. Yeah, no, No, it just reminds me. We've seen ankor mean where it's like, I love lamb.

Yeah, the thing is right, it's so hard. Yeah, because I respect people who are like creating stuff, Yeah, I do. I like poetry a lot, Right, There's something about the spoken word format that does give me the because I think some of the people that do it are quite icky. But I didn't not respect it. The only thing that I hated about that bit was not even his impromptu spoken word. It was for him saying that he writes

Are you someone who's into romantic gestures? Would you be into that? No?

Absolutely not.

I once got serenaded by a guy like he's playing his guitar. I was breaking up with him, and he started playing his guitar and he started playing me a Dennis Brown song, which like a Jamaican singer, like old school like lovers rock singer. So I was playing the song and I've just walked out the door while he is singing like I am great. It makes me so uncomfortable when anybody does anything like that. I used to have this ongoing joke with my ex boyfriend because he

My god, sorry, like you're trying to break up with someone and they started singing to you. That actually would make me feel.

So unwall it was. It was so horrific.

So I'm guessing if you were ever being proposed to, you'd prefer to get proposed to in.

Private, Yes, definitely.

Has anyone ever proposed to you?

No, Oh my god, no, I would give me the magic if someone supposed to me. Really yeah, like you don't know me at all.

Yeah, I'm very sorry to Ray Bouldering vegan cyclists, But that was he was going so in my eyes, I was like, he's actually.

Really nicely and he was fair well, and he was funny. He was really funny. But I think as we went more into the day, I sort of could see so many things that we just were not compatible on as well. One of the things he told me was that he basically can't spend like a night at home alone. He has to have plans like every evening of the week. And I was like, that's my idea of hell, and I just can't relate to someone who's like that.

I can't of.

Anything worse than being out every evening by the week, even though it's my.

Busy do you know what, I every night of the week, every week, I'm busy, but sometimes I'm busy alone. One thing I like to do Guelfen is holdering.

Yeah, you know, it goes hand in hand with people that ride bike. They always love the clime. I'm the worst person.

Oh my god, I do feel bad for me because he probably went in being like, I'm like this really in my eyes, I'm the grave, you're listen, you're a cooman, you're bouldering, you're cycling, you love tofu. You feel like grace read the room.

I know I'm dead that I actually gagged when he said bouldering. That's so funny for me. Huge respect, Grace, huge respect.

Yeah.

I don't know. I just I've met so many of these guys before, and there's a part of me that wants to be with someone who's like kind of wholesome and like into all of this ship. But I just didn't feel like I would be able to fit into that with him and him with me, you know. Yeah, but like I aspired to having a Lamborghini rules like cyclo bike.

No, I lived in apparently the gastronomic central of the world's capital, the world Leon.

And did you get really good at friends? We're doing a French degree.

No, I wasn't still biology. Yeah, but they gave you the chance of the year of war advances.

I snapped that up. That's my favorite place.

The whole.

The mass accent is really strong. It's like basically the equivalent of a Jordi accent. But I mean sometimes I'm like, what the fucking say? But I'm pretty good because that's how I love France. One of myself in.

France, so you know French just from holiday?

No, well, I you too are going to do Sorry, we're friends so great.

He's bilingual? Is that a turn on for you?

I would love to go out with someone who spoke French because then my French would get better. Yeah, I feel like it's hot when someone speaks another language. It shows that they have like intelligence. The fact that they're speaking to you in English and that's not their first language. It is fit.

I'm so embarrassed that I only speak English. So I feel like I would love to go out with someone who was no offense to my boyfriend. It will be turned on. It would be definitely turn on. If you went on a dating a guy he spoke multiple languages, you'd like.

I remember once when I was in my ex, I didn't we we'd only just got in with each other, and I didn't tell him that I spoke French. I'm not fluent, but I can speak pretty good French. And we went to France and we're in Marseille and we're at this restaurant and then the way came over and I just had this like completely fluent conversation with Water and he was like what And I'd never told him that I'd said French, and he was like, I've never been more attracted to you when I am in this moment,

Have you ever gone it with someone who's bilingual? No, yeah, I've got. I've gone it with guys who like have lived abroad when I was living abroad, and obviously they'd really good English, but also like really good Spanish or Portuguese whatever it is, and like I just yeah, it's just's nice, you know what I mean.

It's great?

Yeah? Great?

And like, is there any nationality you'd love to date? Is there anyone any like any country you've been to? And you're like, the guys are just fit here. I love their accent, I love everything about their culture.

I mean, I would love to have a French boyfriend, like I said, because then it would be great because we could have French kids, and then our kids could speak French.

Okay.

I also do like have like a real source for American men, but obviously they speak English. But I'm very like, I'm an international girl. I get with people like my roster is very diverse, is what I will say.

So, what if your like dating life?

Like I've been single since twenty eighteen. Okay, I know I was shocked.

I mean that much.

I've been saying just twenty.

Most of that, I've been like, I don't really care. I'm not here to find someone straight away. You know, most most marges end of the divorce. You're going to break up at some point anyway, what's the point? Recently has been like, I would like to settle down, really, get a house together, really get some cats, I mean dogs.

Just god, he's kind of confused. He's like, oh, everything ends in divorce. He's like, but I'd like to settle down, get some cats, Like, dude, what do you do? Yeah, do you want to settle down with the cats or Yeah?

That was a big thing because I don't like cat people. I'm afraid and I don't really see myself like having

Like?

Would you go on another date?

I thought the day was good. I wanted to go on another date with him.

And did he not text you or I think no? I think I asked for his number and he said no.

I think I wanted to see him again. I would have I was sorry, I would have had sex shogged him. Well, I think this shows me right, how actually just shallow I am because I just think because he was so handsome, I wanted to see him again because he was really good looking and he was funny, so he was he was taking the piss out of me a lot, Yeah,

Also sorry, not only that, like you gagged every time he said an interest.

Sorry, I just had to swallow my tea. Yeah, I know, but that's like classic me, like being like, you know, like a six year old girl being like, ooh, I'm thinking that that means that the boy fancies you next time. On twenty eight Dates Later, I felt like a milk on his date. I was three years older than them, but I was like, I felt like, oh, I can't explain it. I felt like they were obsessed with me because I was older than them. Well, they're quite boyish

Around me.

I'm a savage. Twenty eight Dates Later is produced by Novel for iHeartRadio. For more from Novel, visit novel dot Audio. The series is presented by me Grace Campbell, with help from Roz Pursu and Dan Whyde. The producer is Diggory Way. The executive producer is Claire Broughton. Our Editors are myth Lly Raw and Max O'Brien. Production management from Charie Houston and Charlotte Wall. Willard Foxton is our creative director of development

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