Ep 12: The Sober Guy

Novel.

This show contains adult material, references to drugs and swearing.

You have been warned.

And then I didn't finish my girls a champagne because I needed to fucking far in front of him.

I did do that in front of him.

What around me?

I'm a savage? Are you bored of modern dating?

Meeting the same people from the same apps in the same bar You've only chosen because it's close to your house and you can make your usual quick getaway. It's time to change the narrative on how we find love. It's time to start looking for love in all the wrong places. I'm going on a wild dating adventure, only picking people who are the total opposite of my type. And I've took twenty eight of these dates in two months.

Will I find that special someone or well?

This experiment proved that I should just give up on dating altogether.

It's time to find out.

I'm Grace Campbell and this is twenty eight dates later.

Hey Dan, how are you?

I'm good? Thank you, baby, I'm good all the time. I'm swaying constantly me as well.

But I'm training human.

Sipp and slide, let me down and ride me out.

So this week I went on a date with a sober person, which is not my usual date because I like to drink when i'm dating. Yeah, exactly, I'm blackout before I even get there. I don't remember anything about them. Usually not my asual type. But he was hot, and he was hot, and he had a good voice.

Someone need to hear his voice. His voice was fucking fit.

Okay, and SIPs trousers, get dick out.

Hello, Hey you didn't where's that's from New York? You're America?

Yeah?

Oh you sound like Danish.

Really I don't know.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm half German and half Italian, so.

Forty three.

Okay, fine, Yeah you're older than than Thanks for having fifteen years. Yeah, that's a bit I do.

It's just like a bit I like to do. I just shame people for being old. That's just one of my things.

Okay, the deadest flitg I've ever heard of my life. Oh you sound Danish.

He did sound Danish. Bro I mean he looked Danish.

He just looked maybe Danish. I give you that.

After a while I realized he was American.

His voice sounds gorgeous.

He was cute.

It's giving like it's giving porn. I feel like it's giving.

Giving porn, it's giving Lumberjack.

I remember one time reading this like erotic fiction online about like these like Broadway Broadway performers who I didn't even know, and it was like so long, but baby Dick was raw wow, so much masturbation.

I got centertic fiction.

Have you ever read it?

Because I used to read like Twilight stuff online.

Did it like get you off?

No? I was just interested, but no.

It was really hot though.

No, No, I get that. I've just never.

Really like wanks like reading. I hate reading. I don't know how to read. So I get the I get the opposite of a hard one, and I'm.

Trying to do it.

You get brain freeze. Are you sober to sober for three years? Yeah? Like three years three months now. And in the first year, like I just.

Focused on myself, worked at myself, and then then I.

Was able to Were you doing therapy?

I was recovery stuff, right yeah?

Yeah?

Yeah, So you do the recovery work.

You're still doing like, are you like?

Yeah, yeah, I still do two meetings a week or so, and so yeah, I still am involved with dad just to keep it fresh.

So have you ever dated someone who is sober.

Yeah, I have. It was actually quite cute, like the person was so beautiful and like really soft and gentle. And I didn't drink either, so it meant that you kind of had to like be in the moment more like you couldn't You couldn't rely on alcohol.

There's no distraction, but this is it.

You can't blind alcohol to make you more of a conversational list like, you just have to kind of like listen and be in that moment. But it was hard though, because the place that we were at was also a poor and the room next door there was like a live band playing, so it was so loud and with my ADHD like I just hear all the other noises,

This episode is sponsored by Hello Fresh No but also to.

Do it okay with my Forest Meditation, I look as come in no it's not that. It's like, if you haven't done it for a few days, why you being passive aggressive? Is there like, oh it's been a few days, Dan, thank you for coming back.

No Sleep Meditation.

And then halfway through it was like this episode is sponsored no Hello.

Fresh, and I was like, are you joking?

I'm half asleep and I'm being advertised to baby?

How am I supposed to find inner piece when you're trying to say that Nanita that Hello Fresh, Nanitza, have you had that yet?

No?

Baby, it's a nonbred pizza. What's what's wrong with you?

On his profile, which also makes me a bit sad, it says get.

He says forty three man straight.

That is so sad, so sad, a loss of the community.

He says, I'm sober, but I don't judge. Okay, sorry, I did read that wrong because I thought he said don't judge me, but I was obviously me projecting, but I don't judge. Also kind of rude because nobody was giving me the right to judge anyway.

No, but I guess what he's saying is there's that there's a stigma about people who are sober that people are.

Around Yeah, but the thing is like, because I did actually have a few drinks on this day, I was drinking champagne.

Actually that's why I was drinking. Yeah, thank you so much. Pause for applause. So I was drinking champagne and was maybe a bit.

Tipsy, but was then really conscious of like being tipsy. So I was like watching myself through the lens of him, which I think makes me obviously very self conscious.

It's like it's like when my mum.

Sees me drunk, I fucking trip out because she's never been drunk before and she doesn't even care. But I'm like constantly everything I'm saying, I'm like, oh my god, she thinks I'm a retrobate.

What do you think it makes you drunk?

I think it makes me really aware of everything I'm saying and how I'm sounding, and I think it makes me more or less drunk.

It just makes me like anxious in my head.

Yeah, It's like it's a bit like you know, like if you like smoke weed and then like you bump into someone and you're a bit high. In my head, it's like they bumped into me and I've got a clown nose on.

I need to message them and they're like, oh, I had no idea, Yeah yeah.

As you were eating a whole bag of Cheeto. It's on the street.

So when when I first got sober, and then I broke up with the girl that I was seeing because it wasn't a good relationship to start with, and then I took a year off to to look at my stuff and then and part.

Of that is looking at all that they say as well, you shouldn't date like.

Perfect sense, yeah yeah.

Yeah, And because you're looking at relationships that you've had and you just end up doing the same thing if and it's distracting.

I guess one of the negatives as well is that like you don't want someone to remember all the thing from that night if you were drunk, So I mean like if I'm drunk, I want you to be drunk so that we're both forgetting what's happened. Like I don't need you having like a script of all the things I said whilst pissed.

I also think it's like an energy thing of like, and this is you know, something I would struggle with. I think being sober and dating is there's a moment where a date goes from like a bit flirty to like a bit sexual, and I think sober that moment is takes a lot more to like want to do, and that's that's sometimes a good thing, because sometimes when you're sober, you're like, I actually don't want to get to this person, whereas I would just get with them.

Maybe the amount of times that you wake up and you're like in bed with someone and you're like, actually, there was no chemistry. We were just.

Exactly exactly exactly, so I think sometimes, but then I also feel like the best dates I've ever been.

In my life have been like we've been a bit drunk.

Sometimes things get a bit more unpredictable when you're drinking a bit, which is exciting, and I just feel like maybe you lose that a bit when you're sober.

Yeah, Like imagine like being in like like Less Square, like climbing one of the statues sober and then statue and like take a fat with me, but you're sober.

Yeah, you're both sober. He's not even watching you drunk climb on the Travagar Square, Lion.

You're both sober.

Given like a level like photography, you're on a.

Sober dat ya and your date someone's busking on the tube and your date starts dancing with him.

Oh my god, Oh my god, I would scream. Yeah, that is the worst image I've ever ever had to like picture.

My dad always goes up to buskers and like talks to them, and I'm like, Dad, they're trying to play music.

What does he say?

Oh, because he used to be a busker, so he thinks he's so part of the community.

He's like, what gradio sounded? You sound grateful to me?

He used to be.

He used to be a busker in the south of France and he also used to write porn. My dad, wait, porn character called the Riviera Jiggilow. Yeah, he used to live in the French Riviera.

Wait, I'm sorry, your dad's EDFPR. What do you want about?

Yeah, So we were talking about dating and like I guess, like our sex lives, and then we were talking about what kind of sex we're into, which is just kind of the chat that I somehow get onto.

No, it's important you have to know that you're both viable intimately before you get intimate.

I think, say intimate one more time.

Intimately that is, so what if you're not fully erect listen to this. What's wrong with you? Oh? Why do you have to snort? Let them.

Down?

Put that plate of coke down, Grace, we're doing work.

Have you been on days of people who are like really hardcore?

Yeah, it's just now what I'm into.

Like I wanted to be fun and late garden and so like pain or bdsm or ying Like I'm like, I don't know, and kinks are fine, but I just don't want to I don't want it to be I don't like anything too intense, like where it's it's yeah, like we're pain and stuff is I don't know that's but yeah, but it's now support turned into like casual kink, a little bit of both, like ye, friends with benefits, like open relationships that kind of stuff.

What's your king, because mine's just like mine's just like kid kiddling, kissing and coddling.

That's my gag.

Did you just combine kissing and good link into kitdling? How creepy that king?

But when he was talking, I was like, Oh, he's kind of like my lover because I also get like maybe not like kink shamed, but people think I'm going to be into way more kinky stuff than I actually am, and then I'm made to feel really boring because of it. So I was like, he's kind of speaking my language in the sense that I don't to be tied up.

I don't want to be choked.

I don't want to be slapped, like you know, I'm in fear of that happening to me every time I fucking go outside.

But I feel like sometimes you have to be careful with that kind of guy, because that kind of guy I can have that kind of like that conversation with you, and then you go back to his and he's like, so I'm into pooh play.

Yeah, that's true.

He's like, I'm not into heavy kinks. But can I shit on your chest?

I don't think Leo, that's Leo?

But sure, yeah, I mean fair what's my kink? I don't know, like I would like to explore more kink. I think I do like a nice little bit of like am switch, like a bit of like role play, like either I'm the dominant one or like I'm a piece of shit and you can tell me what to do. But the problem is is being like six foot five and being like no one ever, no one ever tells me what to do because I'm always putting the dominant role like just naturally, which I don't mind, but I would like to be a whole.

I've gone out with a with a married woman who's married and then I won't have a coffee deal with her, and then we had then we went on like a dinner dad.

And for the round and then and then.

We went to a kink club called Twitter Garden. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.

And then her husband was there. But did she say, by the way my husband.

Of course, it was her husband and their friend and the friends.

So you went in a group with her and with her husband getting with her.

He was cool, Well, you were getting with her.

There's no sex that night, but.

Yeah, everyone was aware what was going No, I know, I get that.

Are you being in with her in front of her husband and then he was in front of you.

That's quite chic.

That was very modern, it was I mean, yeah, that is quite hot. I have actually watching a bit of cook porn recently.

That's interesting. So I only love what what a cock is this week?

So cook porn is basically where like your partner watches Fox someone else, But it kind of seems hot to me to be honest, compared to most of the dates that I've listened to, this guy sounds so cute and nice. Was it good? Did you enjoy it?

I did enjoy it. I did enjoy it, and we're having a nice time. And then what happened was I ate some food and as I beforementioned, I was feeling indigestion tive, and then it just fucking came to a head and I had like suddenly, like really bad stomach pains. I didn't want to say out loud that I knew it was trapped wind, so I said I thought maybe it was like period pains or something like that, because that's a bit easier for men to just in that moment.

But I knew it was trapped wind. And then so then I got on the floor.

I got on the floor under the child's phone, no, because I needed to fucking fart well in front of him.

I did do that in front of him. What. Oh well, thank you so much for this.

I'm having absolutely awful stomach cramps. It's not that I'm not going to like far or anything. I think it's either my period or I'm dying.

It's probably my period, yeah, or waste of a glass of champagne.

Oh my god.

And then I didn't finish my glass of champagne. And then that is.

Not the worst thing that's happening in this moment. You in Charles pose on the floor growning a far out whole. It's probably worse than the quarter filled glass of champagne. It's a fucking fresh glass of champagne. I don't even understand.

The thing about trapped wind is that as soon as you far it goes away. So it's annoying because it could have carried on the day when it's going to a toilet, because I was in so much way. Have you never had you ever had trap wind so badly?

I could? You can't really move?

Yeah, of course I have.

Yeah, Okay, of course I have.

I've got it right now. I'm on Charles pose on the floor in the studio. Pass me that glass of champeg, will you. But I love that this guy is like, this guy is like, yeah, I'm not really into like weird things, want like some like massive kink. And then you're just like Child's post yeah, and.

They're like it's not it's not I'm not gonna fart, by the way, I'm.

Not gonna fart. There's there's one thing I'm not gonna do right now.

It's fart. But you know what, that's actually like quite a solid out of a date, because one of the issues that I have is I don't know how to leave a date.

Definitely faked illness.

But I would say the best one is saying, like a member of your family or friend has gone into labor.

But that's a lot of acting, isn't it.

It's actually really easy you say, oh my god, fuck, I've got to go.

I'm so sorry.

Can we actually do it?

Okay, I've done it loads of times.

Wait to want another drink? Wait, let me be straight, do you want another drink?

Oh my god, Oh my god, I'm fuck, Oh my god, I'm oh my god.

My best friend's gone into labor. I'm so sorry, I've got to go.

I'm her, I'm a person, you're dol.

I'm her doula. Yeah, pulling the baby out.

I'm the father. So what I'm convinced.

Yeah, I've done it a few times.

That one. I have. One time I remember, oh god, like being on this day and going back to this person's house and having like really bad sex. But then afterwards, this person was like, I'm really glad that you're here and like expecting me to stay around. And it was like maybe half twelve at night. So I text my house mate whilst they're in the toilet, and I was there, like, can you just email me right now and pretend that

The thing is why, I think in those moments, you just want to believe that what the person is saying is true. So they probably would think I don't know this person.

Probably that is true.

I think in the moments, you just want to be able to be reassured enough in yourself to go no.

This one wasn't actually that okay.

I would have liked that to go on for longer, but I was in an excuchating pain.

Then I fired, and then I.

Was fine, would you see him again?

So this is like one of the only ones I've actually wanted to see him again and he didn't want to see me again.

I guess why, because you're in Charles post on the floor farting. So are you inte that sober guys, would you do it again?

Yeah? I actually do think so.

I do think so, And I'm thinking maybe in the future I'll be more open to like actually being like dating properly someone who's sober.

And would you be more open to being more sober on dates yourself?

I think so, because then that would have avoided maybe the trapped wind if I hadn't drunk so much.

Oh my god, that is like that this is the moral, but the moral is so clear, it's almost like biblical.

Hmmm, it's like the absolutely fabulous Bible.

Yeah, it's a b c a d ab fab Yeah, because I still think at this point, like sometimes I'm still trying to chase oblivion, like I'm still want to get wanting to get.

Like real fucked, Like I won't realize how many pints I've had because I can just drink.

I think that's the one thing.

When I think about being in a relationship with a sober person, I think, do I want to go on holiday with someone and we're not going to have like a fucking like wine Connoissan night out.

Pool.

Yeah, but then I guess I can still do that, so it's not that deep.

Yeah, And like what is more important, like like love and connection and trust with somebody or a long Island iced tea by the pool.

I don't know if I can because do I trust anyone?

No?

But I do want to that I can trust. Yeah, next time.

On twenty eight dates later, he had brought me a present and he brought me some vegan bacon.

Is this the first presence you've got?

Yeah?

And can we by the way, can we normalize bringing gifts on a first day?

I think it's really chaps see a welcome. I'm a savage, he can hurt it.

Twenty eight dates Later is produced by Novel for iHeartRadio. For more from Novel, visit novel dot Audio. The series is presented by me Grace Campbell with help from Roz Persu and Dan Whye. The producer is Diggory Way. The executive producer is Claire Broughton. Our editors are mithillly Raw and Max O'Brien. Production management from Scharie Houston and Charlotte Wall. Willard Foxton is our creative director of Development

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