Welcome to the two seventeen Recovery Podcast.
If you don't make mistakes, you won't learn. With your host Corey Winfield, you know, there was a reason why that didn't work out, and you can look back at it and go, yep, I'm glad that didn't work out how I wanted it, because I would have been got your ass. It is the first of September twenty twenty five. My name's Corey Winfield, and this is the two seventeen Recovery Podcast. A very special guest in the studio with me today, Kents and Gore. Corey, how you doing. You're doing well?
Man.
I always have to say people's names like that, Kits and Gore. No, dude, you're back in Traverse City. What look, you're in studio, like you're at the office studio. Yeah, what the hell? You don't live here? You're not from here? What are you doing on vacation? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely.
I was like, man, whenever I got out of recovery, out of rehab in recovery, I was like, you know, I have to come back up here. You know, ever, you know, at least.
Once, if not more than more than that. Yeah, just because it was a place where you found help and good things happen here for you, like you'll always love the city.
Yeah, man, I love it. I mean it's it's been amazing for me.
Amazing. Now let's talk about how you got to Traverse City. So I tell my story first. So I was sitting at home and I got a text from my sister in law. Hey, it might have been a call, I can't remember, but yeah, So my sister in law, she's married to my brother Travis, and it's your sister Kendra, who love her and you And this is kind of crazy. I was thinking about this morning. You benefited from me
being drunk, do you know that? Because all the shit that I had to go through, like, and your sister saw it, you know, she saw me struggle and just kind of I don't know what she thought about or what was going on in her head then, but then to have you all of a sudden maybe had a little problem or something. You get into it now.
Yeah, So I honestly did not think I had a drinking problem at all.
Most people don't, not at all.
But whenever my sister Kendra had told me, you know, you don't look good. You need you need to get you need to get serious help. And some people knew that I was starting to look differently, and I was like, you know, and that's the crazy thing with alcohol is that it doesn't it doesn't tell you what you take, what takes, what it's taken away from you. And it's
taken a lot away from me. I mean it started with you know, I lost my dad back in twenty twenty, and you know, that day it was just like, you know, I didn't I didn't care about life, I didn't care about about nothing at all, and I just just assumed. That same night I got home from the hospital after he passed, I just I went into my room, shut the door, and I just I cranked out the bottle and it just it was to the point where it's like, you know, I just kept going and going, and it's like,
you know, one wasn't enough. I was like, well, let's open up another one. Let's open up another one. And then before you know, it was like maybe I want to say, four or five am that next morning, and I was passed out downstairs in the basement, and in the basement and.
I was looking up. I was like, what in the world am I doing? Down here. I thought I was upstairs. No I was.
I was literally on the floor in the basement, and I you know, went back upstairs and I looked in my room and there was like alcohol cans galore, and I was like, man, I was like I had it was a rough time.
And you were a beer drinker, right, like you didn't really mess with hard liquor or oh I it.
So I never really really drank alive. I never drank beer like the like bud Light, Budweiser. I was never any of you know, never drinking those. I might had once once, uh maybe one or two every once a bloom mom, but it was like more of the uh, the sugary Mike's hard alcohol. And then it was always uh, always hard liquor too yeah.
And I zeemas you might be too young for that. But there was a drink back in the day where it was it almost tasted like I don't want to say it sprite, but but it was it was something that did not taste like beer. And so like I kind of when I was your age, kind of went through that phase. And I always thought that if I was drinking just beer or just those other little coop wine cooler or whatever you want to call them drinks. I couldn't an alcoholic. And because everybody knows that liquor
will do some damage to you. Everybody knows that, like the hard liquor, like ooh, the one hundred and one prove too. Like so when someone says to you, oh, well, just stay off the liquor and you'll be fine, you think, oh, well, that does make sense because I won't get as drunk as quick now you and I, it doesn't matter, because the end result is we are going to drink it all as we can until we pass out, until we
fall asleep past it whatever, like that's end results. So it doesn't matter if we start at six eight, we're stopping at the same time. When we pass out, we will cram much much as we can in there. So like we're gonna drink the same amount, whether we drink a pint or a half gallon or whatever before that, Like your mission is getting blackout drunk. And you brought up a good point that your father had passed. Yeah, that hurt and that pain. How do you make it
go away? How do you make it just be numb? Because you can't make a goal away. You can make it numb, or at least attempt to. And alcohol seem to be your friend with that, at least what you thought.
Yeah, so I thought, and uh, that's what I had always thought this, you know, the entire time during my addiction with alcohol, it was like alcohol is my best friend.
It was.
It was a coping mechanism for me to get get through.
The hard days.
I mean, even after months and you know, years of my dad passing, it was still I always had to, you know, go go drink, and I know, and then a couple of months so in a couple of months after I had my dad had passed, I commended a h an incident where I was drinking driving and I crashed into a sideswipe into someone's mailbox. Da'mon didn't even know the person, and they had, uh had immediately called the police. And I actually had took the meal off. And this actually happened in my dad in the in
my dad's car, like it was. I was driving down the road and I actually turned back around to go pick up the mirror that fell off the car.
And and and I stopped and I picked up and this guy was like wail in his hands He's like, hey, man, you took out my mailbox. And he's like, I already called the police and so and I had so I knew I was going to be in trouble, but I didn't know the extent of it because I was under I was under the influence, of course. And so whenever the police had shown up, they you know, they immediately knew.
Right off the bat.
Whenever I walked up to them and I was starting to talk to him, giving them my my side of the story, they had said, sir, you're drunk.
You' I can already tell you right now, you're drunk. How much have you been drinking?
I was like, I don't know, and that's that, and that's the exact way I responded, I don't know. I just know I had some drinks, you know, before I started driving. So they did, you know, the standards field sobriety tests, they did all that, and they did the break the laser and I blew. I want to say it was too I want to say it was more than twice the legal limit in the state of Michigan. And they immediately slapped the cuffs on me, said you know you're you're under arrest. And they took me to
the jail. And I went to the jail and they got me booked in the in the police officer that had actually arrested me knew a little bit about my family, and he even told the officers at whenever at the jail said, you know, he's in a rough spot right.
Now with losing his dad and just.
He's a good kid. Just take care of you know, make sure that he's taking care of it in here. And whenever I was sitting in the hold holding tank there, I was like, I I never knew that this could happen. I never knew it could happen. And I remember two people, there's two other guys in the holding tank with me, and they had said asked me what I was in
there for. I was like, I was drinking driving, and they, you know, started to ask me, well, what did you Well, I was like it was probably about well over two times the legal limit in the state of Michigan. And they just like were just shocked at that. And I had h whenever I had went, uh, you know, got discharged, I had went home that same night and I did I got on a shoot. I did go back and have a drink. But the next day I was like, you know, I got to take a little hiatus from it.
And I had found a I found a bottle of some whatever liquor I had at the time, and drop and opened it up and I just immediately poured it out because I knew that I was having to go under some kind of probation or alcohol substance abuse classes, and which in fact, thankfully I didn't have to have any probation, but I did indeed have to go through alcohol substance abuse classes and it was and it was during COVID, so I didn't have to go to the facility to go to do any of the classes. That
was just either over zoom or over the phone. And that made it like to me, that made it like almost was like defeating the purpose of even going through it, because it's like, well, I could be, you know, be on the phone talking to talking to the counselor, and he doesn't even know what I'm doing. I can I could be drinking, you know, while we're talking about you know, talking about the absence of staying away from alcohol and
drug use. And so I had underwent that for I want to say, I think it was like three months I was in and that and that was back in twenty twenty and they had uh or no, twenty twenty one, I should say, and they had discharged me, and I immediately went back to drinking. I was like, well, I finished this. I can't believe I didn't, you know, to me, it was almost like a reward that I completed. It, completed something that was supposed to do because it was
either but I didn't complete it. I was gonna be back in jail, and I completed it. And as soon as I got discharged, I immediately just went back into into drinking and that and I did not know how bad, how bad I was, you know, an alcoholic, until I get you know, started getting into recovery, which was you know, back in November, whenever I was hospitalized for alcohol cirrhosis. And that was and my sister has been my saving grace. She knew that something was wrong and it was a couple, uh,
it was a couple of days prior to that. I started noticing my body, you know, my demeanor and life started changing a lot. And I noticed that my you know, every my whole body was you know, not looking like it should you know, and my sister. As a matter of fact, I was actually going to the grocery store for my for my mother, and my aunt Sheila had called me and had told me, you know, asked me,
you know, how are you doing? You're holding up, and he told me that you don't ask, you know, saying that, you know, telling me that my mom had noticed that I wasn't looking good and she had called my aunt Sheila or had texted her pictures of how badly swollen my legs and feet were from the fluid that I was retaining, and so I told her. I was like, yeah, I know I need I'm I'm gonna go get checked out, which I wasn't really thinking about getting checked out. I
almost wanted to put it back on the backshelf. And because it was like I didn't know what.
Was going to happen. And how old are you? I am thirty, just turned thirty one, and yeah, so you're way too young to have a problem, right, Yeah, did you still think that like, oh, like, oh I drunk, I drove drunk, so oops, that wasn't and that was a mistake. So like your punishment was like don't drive drunk, like or that was your they wanted to get out of your punishment for you to realize, don't drive drunk. Unfortunately, when we're drunk, a lot of times we don't remember
and we don't think clearly. Yeah, so that's the whole problem with it. But so like I could see where you would have went through that and be like, all right, cool, I am never getting behind the if I'm drinking, I'm not drying, like I'm putting my foot down, like I could see myself doing some kind of like thing like that, Like, no, drinking is the problem, but I'm not gonna mess with that. I'm just gonna not drink and drive because that's the problem.
That it's not the alcohol is the problem, that's what. And you said it earlier too, like you didn't even know you had a problem. And that's what is so hard about alcohol because it tricks you. And when it starts taking things away from your life, friends, family, jobs, money, whatever, that's fine. I didn't need it anyway. I don't even
like that guy. I don't even like her. You start going up because you got your bottle right here, as long as you got some zeros or some not zeros, but you got some numbers in your bank account, you go get some more of them, and so it's fine. I don't need the girlfriend. I don't I don't even need cable, I don't need lights, I don't need anything like. I can live without it. And you start to adapt
to it. And it's the weirdest, craziest thing where if you would have asked me if I was when I was sixteen seventeen, hey, do you want to live in your car? Then that sounds fun? I say no, Hey, do you want to like alienate your whole family and have people hate you? No, well, that's what's gonna happen because you like alcohol. You know, if it would have been in I guess explain to me. I don't know.
I don't think I would have listened to it. Alcohol is so powerful, it really is, like really is what other hand you a brownie right now and say if you eat this, it's gonna kill you. You probably wouldn't eat it, oh god, But I can hand you a bottle and go, hey, drink, that's gonna kill you? What like you my ass? Well, just give me a couple more or two. But that's yeah, it doesn't kill you today. Well, alkohol can kill you today. Oh yeah, yeah, definitely.
And even the doctors had even telling me whenever I got hospitalized with the cirosis back in November, see that day that I had, you know, finally threw in the towel, I was, you know, I went to the to the walk and clink and they actually referred me over to the emergency room and they ran blood test and they ran you know, an ultrasound and and they did a couple other couple of other tests just to make you know,
see what was what was the problem. And you know, they told me that you're is there's something wrong with your liver and it's not function and like it should.
So when they told you that, I'm gonna stop it here. When they told you that, did you believe them or did you think they were trying to ruin your fun? Or were you just like, oh shit.
I was thinking like whenever they told me that, at first, I didn't want to believe them, Yeah, because it was like I never thought that, you know, it.
Could ever happen to me, not even forty yet yet. I mean maybe now I would think maybe if I got was older and I was experiencing these symptoms.
Yeah, I most likely would believe them. But you know, like everyone says, you're too young to be going through all this. You're only thirty one and you and knew, now how have sorrhosis. And whenever they told me that, I was like almost didn't really want to believe them. And then they start asking me questions about the alcohol and how much you drank, and I was like, well, if I had to be honest, there's there. I don't have an exact number, and they're like, well, just give
us one. I was like, well, maybe maybe three or four, five six tall boys and maybe a fifth fit the vodka, maybe maybe even a half gollon.
So you're honest with them, Yeah, I was. I was brutally honest with them.
And they said and so they had to admit me to another hospital to undergo all these you know, to undergo everything else with my health. And they said, you know, told me that if you take one more sip of alcohol, even like a drink sip, doesn't even matter how much you have, it's your five years tops of you survival. And I was in the hospital and I was and that absolutely scared me, terrified me. Whenever they were telling me that you're gonna you will die if you do
not stop drinking. And I just you know, stay, you know, laid there. It's like, you know, do I keep going with what I with what I've been accustomed to and with everything for you know, for the rest of my life, or do I take that step forward and and cry, you know, say I need help?
And I I do. And I still remember to this to this day.
In the hospital that you know, my sister Kender actually had reached out to you and we started talking about about it, and uh, you know, that's whenever I said I wanted to get help, I really wanted to get help.
And for me, it was important for you to get the hell out of south West Michigan. Not that there's places that aren't good in southw Michigan, but my path was through the south Southwest Michigan. And going to a treatment center is like a class reunion, you know, and there's people there that I can't open up and be honest because that guy knows me, These people know me that there's just too many people that know me. I
had to go to a kind of like you. And then that's why I was like, you got to get him out of there, like get him up here where you can walk into a place where you know nobody. You don't have to sell anything to this guy, to that guy. You're just there being you, trying to get help, you know, And I think that really makes a difference, you know, just to know that nobody in there is going to come in and know you, and by the time you're in there uncomfortable, you probably welcome somebody and hey,
come on in. I hope somebody does come from Southwest Michigan, because that's great. Yeah, at first, it can be scary. Who's going to know me, Who's going to tell this Who's going to be saying I was here?
You know, like yeah, And that's the other other thing too, is like at first I was like kind of going back and forth, like well, do I need to shit?
Do I say?
You know, I wanted to get help, but I didn't know how to get the help because I was always so close to Southwest Michigan, and to be honest, I did, you know, I looked around and see if there was even anything down Southwest Michigan.
And there there was.
But I also wanted to put it, you know, take what you had said to Kendra, and wanted to go somewhere far away, somewhere, you know where, Like you said, people don't know me. And whenever I got up here and got into the in the rehab, people did not know me. They asked they asked, me, well, where are you from? And you came all the way up here? And I was I was like, yeah, it's you know, and I and I remember in rehabit and whenever I was and rehab back in uh was it December? Actually
I was in. I was in there for Christmas and there for.
The New Year. Just got got out just a few days after the New Year. And there was a guy.
There was a a guy in there, and I, you know, I, you know, I I wanted to wanted to make an impact on people in there and let them know that they're not alone, and you know, kind of you know, try and ease my way into talking to them about well, what where are you going through?
Wait?
Where are you from? I had there was a guy that was there and he came all the way from South Carolina and I was like, you came all the way from South Carolina. And I can't I can't hardly remember the the extent of how of the conversation or how far the conversation.
She went, but.
Yeah, it was he told me he came from South Carolina. And even I was even in shocked by some of the peep some of the people in there. Like whenever I first got up into into the facility, I was probably I was thirty. Whenever got up there and I had I looked around and it was all of these old people.
I was like, wow. I was like, I was like, I hope I'm not. I hope I'm not the I'm not. I hope I'm not the only you know, I guess I would say, young stud in there, what's old to you? Well, but now it's he's thirty one, you know, everybody's old.
Well I'm like, I said, you know, just turned thirty one. And I always tell the people ask me, well how old are you? I'm thirty one, but my back feels like it's seventy five. My But now, whenever I first got up in the rehabit was like I looked around and it was like these older people were were looked crazy to me. They obviously yeah, they they look like and it's like, well, I looked like I was the only normal one in there, And I was like, man, oh, man, I was like, this is gonna be this, this is
gonna be interesting. But and all honestly, whenever I first got there, I was like, I don't know how well I'm going to do in here.
I remember Kendres said something like that, and I was like, no, he'll be fine.
Yeah, And but it it took it took me a couple of days to realize where I was at and what I was doing.
And the first time you went to treatment, oh yeah, like an impatient fay, you know. And it can be scary because it's when I first I'm like, oh my god, what am I going to expect in the same thing man? And then it was a guy that had it was crazy. I had to leave. And I use that as an excuse because I'm like, Nope, can't deal with that. He was doing that with puppies and dogs. Don't want that. Nope, don't even want around that, dude. I'm going home back
to Michigan because I was in California, so ickon. So I know I know what you're talking about. And yeah, people look crazy because they are, ah, but they're they're good dudes. So I'm sure you found out by the end of it you're like, oh crazy, times crazy, but I love them. That's my guy, you know, like it's a beautiful, beautiful thing. And when you let that guard
down and see people for who they are. And but at first, it's scary when you go into a place and at least you didn't have to have that like, oh, someone's going to see me and tell people I'm here. You were in a new place, which is scary and a whole different light, but going in it and going through it and seeing that, hey, this is all right. So you're settling in everything's going on, and you start to learn, like are you starting put things together when
you're in the treatment center? Yeah? Yeah.
So whenever I first started, uh in rehab, I didn't know nothing about recovery. I didn't know like what recovery was. I didn't know. And honestly, I found out things in recovery and rehab that I didn't even know about myself. And it was, you know, through through the therapy and through talking to other people in there. And that's the crazy thing about whenever you whenever you're so addicted to alcohol for so long, it's like alcohol knew who you were.
It knew who you were because it knew what it what it could take from you. But and then I and I remember one of the uh, one of the navigaters, and there he'd always told he would always say, whenever you leave here, no matter, no matter, like as soon as you walk out those walk out those doors to lead to go home, or to go into sobriety living or what whatever you plan on doing after you know, rehab your addiction or what was trying to kill you, is going to be out there doing the put doing
those push ups, doing doing those push ups, trying to strengthen, to get you.
To to use them again. And I took that.
I took that, and I thought of it, and no matter and everywhere I go now like even whenever.
I walk out walk out of.
Here, it's I it's gonna be out there because there's you know, there's liquor stores around. It's like, what that's gonna what what is gonna The only thing, like, nothing's going to stop me from from going to a liquor store a gas station and buying buying a case of beer or or a bottle of liquor. But with being in recovery, it's I think of those think of those uh.
Coping mechanisms I've learned in there, and one of my favorite ones is think about how far you've came in recovery. And they've always said that I can't remember it now.
That's part about getting old, you forget stuff, obviously, but yeah, recovery has been amazing, and I think what it was is my favorite coping mechanism is you know, just you know, thinking about how you how far you've made made it into recovery, it'll.
Pop in your head that you can drink this weekend and no one will know it will Now I feel I have so much power over alcohol because I have a choice. Today. I could go next door to the store and get a case of beer and get drunk. I'd get a fit whatever. I could do that today, but I'm not going to ye I don't. I have shit to do. I got a movie to make, I got booked to write. I got so much stuff I want to do. I don't have time for that. I wasted enough time on the couch getting blitzed every single
night for fifteen twenty. I don't even remember how many years it was. Stupid. The goals I have today, I can show you that I have this big uh it's what do they call them? Sound proofing boards? And I don't even know what they're going. I ordered them, but I made it a picture of my son and it hangs over my desk. It's huge, it's big. I like that. That's something that means something to me, you know, like like that. I want to do something good for him.
I want him to look back after I'm dead and gone and be like, my dad was a good dude and he did something, you know, like I want to make him proud, you know. That's that's what I live for. And I want to make a movie. And I'm so close to finishing writing it. And I was listening to this podcast That's This Morning, and this guy hit it right on the head. I'll start to write it and I'll get it. But A, I don't have a deadline
set for myself. I need deadlines, and B even if I get it finished, it's never gonna be good enough. There's always something I'm gonna want to add to it. So I don't think i'll ever get it done unless I set that deadline and then just go, Nope, that's the deadline. It's done. It's done. If you want to add something to it, make another movie, you know, like I don't know, but everything has to be so perfect
for me, and so it actually stalls me down. But learning about yourself and knowing where you want to go and what you want to do is huge for you. I was going to bring this up because, well, there's two things. First, I remember the trip home. I remember saying to you, Look, you're not somebody with a drink problem. You're not an alcoholic. You're in recovery. You know, like when you say that, because when I say I'm in recovery, it means something different. Oh and I even told you
when I go to AA meetings. So I'm like, hey, what's up on Corey M person recovery because alcoholic was a bad term. It was bad. You're a bad person. I'm I'm doing the finger wave at chet, you know, like you're bad, you bad alcoholic. No, I'm in recovery. I've changed my life. That person you're waving your finger at that's not me. It is it was me, but I changed, I got my shit together. I changed. Now this is me. And so the people that want to knock you down for the stuff that you did in
the past, that you can't change. I mean you can say I'm sorry about that. Yeah, here's how I'm living now to prove that.
Yeah, it's kind of like what you're what you're saying about that. It's it's it's really amazing, like what you know, how alcohol can you know, can personally affect you.
Yeah, and this doesn't make you a bad person. I mean it can make you do bad things drink, driving, drunk, or you know, maybe yelling at people. Violence. It can, it can cause and it does lead. If you call the police station right now and say, hey, how many of your calls did you go on because of alcohol, they would probably say eighty eighty maybe even more. I don't know. I mean it's ridiculous, And yet there it
is out there at the store. You can walk up to the gas station, steal your little bottle from the counter. Like the last time I was in the gas station, they had them at the counter. Now you couldn't get a cigarette, you couldn't get vape juice. But alcohol is sitting right there. You can snag it put in your pocket. No one even know. Twelve year old, ten year old, eight year old, They don't care. It's right up there by the candy, it's all fruity looking the other band
and all the stuff. Because they're like, oh no, they're targeting kids. But yet alcohol out there straight up targeting kids, targeting everybody.
Yeah, it's targeting young people's, young people's lives.
But in America, that's how they want it. Yeah, because it makes some money and they throw it out there. Drink responsibly, that's your fault. You didn't drink responsibly. Yeah, and look what it did to you if you just will listen to us. Unfortunately, our brains don't work that way. Our brains, Like when you lost your father, you wanted to numb that. Everybody. If you don't understand that, I'm sorry you don't. What are they call that where people
don't have any feelings? I can't remember, but it's bad and you should probably get some help. It was called cold hearted. Yeah, but that would make you lose your shit. And I've already like started prepping myself. I'm fortunate I still have my parents, and I'm mentally telling myself Corey drinking not going to bring him back. No, And what would they Yeah, sorry, I'm gonna get teared up here. You know, what would they think about me if I did drink at that moment, you know, like, yeah, this
is not worth it. So it's gonna be a sad day. I'm already getting choked up over it. But like so I could imagine, dude, Like I can't imagine, and I don't want to and I but I will. But and this is something that you can help people with, because there are people that come to me and they're like, man, I just had to relax. I lost my parents, you know, and I don't have I don't know what to say
except oh my god. That sucks, you know. And actually, I there are other people that I know and I'm like, hey, talk to this person. They kind of went through some of the same stuff. And but you will help somebody. I can guarantee you there. It will be somebody that comes into your life that will lose a parent or loved one and you will be like hey man and give them a hug or whatever. I mean, you'll help them. You will, I guarantee it. Yeah, absolutely. I Mean.
The thing with with being you know, an alcoholic is you are I should say alcoholic and recovery. See that's the other thing too, is like people whenever people tell me they're like, you know, like you're an alcoholic. I was, like I once was, I'm a alcoholic and recovery. Now there's two different meanings there. And it's it's amazing how how whenever you get into recovery, it gives you something
something to be proud of. And I know, my dad he's he's looking down, he's watching me, watching, you know, and even even my sister would always tell me, you know, your dad, Dad's so proud of you right now for taking this step.
Forward and going back to what you had said.
About about someone coming into my life, about you know, losing a parent and stuff. And it's like the the the hurt is still there, but the way you grieve about it gets to me gets better and better as the days go on. I mean, though it's though it's still sad, it's still sad, but you find better ways to get over it. Like I mean, you'll never get over losing to parents, just the way that you cope
and you grieve with that. And what I always say is, you know, the reason why I put my story out there is it because I want everyone to know or even someone or that knows of somebody that's you know, having a problem, whether if it's an alcohol addiction, drug addiction, or if they're across addicted, that.
You're not alone. You were, You were not alone.
I thought I was alone whenever I was an alcoholic, but it was you just have to take that step, that one step forward and say I have a problem that I need help.
Yeah, and for you too to get out to go back home to like all I'm going to do this and sober living? Oh is he going to do sober living? Is he going to stay here? And that was that was the thing too that probably had you freaked out, like where am I gonna stay? Where am I gonna live? What I'm gonna do? But you didn't a drink. You stayed the course and you figured it out, and all right,
pay yourself on the back for that. You know how easy easy would have been for you just to turn right back to drinking, because well, this happened to me and I don't know where I'm going home, stay poor me, put me another drink, you know, But you didn't. So I'm proud of you for that because I was. I was nervous. I was like, oh, like man, because it's it's it's a very yeah, I don't even especially understand what face I just made, but it's like it's very tense.
It's it's because everybody wants you to make it, man, you know. And it's just like when your son, when your son starts walking for the first time and he's stumbling over and you see the table and you're like, oh shit, and then he just sits down. You're like, Okay, he didn't bust his head. That's that's the relief that you have that I have with you anyway, you know, it's that same like okay, good. And then to see
your Facebook you are into photography. Yes, thank you. You're doing something with that energy that used to sit on the couch and drink and get drunk and wasted. Now you're going out and you're taking beautiful pictures. You're having And I would be honest too, like I would even like I was still doing the photography, doing pictures even back whenever you know, I was, you know, an alcoholic.
I mean even like I might you know, have a what they say road beer and have you know, have one of those, and uh though it would though I wouldn't have it, you know, as I'm driving, I would wait till I'm until I'm part I. I I kind of I pretty much guzzle the thing down and then I go out and take these pictures. But whenever I take the pictures, I see something more different. I see things.
And it's hard to explain that how you look at a picture differently now that you for me anyway that I that I take, you know, with you know, going out to like the beach and uh the beach jour
no matter where I'm at. And my sister, as a matter of fact, had sent me a this link on Facebook over a messenger and I don't know what state it was in, but this photographer had had a true inspiration or a or was a photographer and had a was inspired to help recovering addicts with sobriety photos and where they take a mugs where they take a mug shot of them whenever they were arrested or if or even if and I say, if you never got arrested, but you were still had a problem, take a photo
of whenever you were in you know, whenever you were in an active addiction frame it, and take pictures with who you are in recovery now. And I looked at and and I'll be brutally honest. I didn't think nothing about it. And here I am taking all these twenty you know, all these all these photos of you know, of the beach and the sunset and even coming up to Traverse City. No matter where I go up it's I got to take the camera with me. Gotta take
the camera with me. And even before I had, even before I had left to come up here, I've had you know, my sister tell me. I even had a best friend of mine that told me, make sure you fill up that SD card or empty that SD card out before you before you head up there. I was like, oh, yeah, I plan on it. As a matter of fact, I brought to just in case if one wasn't enough.
Nice.
And I know the first day I came up here, I I think, yeah, it was the first day I came up here, or on the way up here, I probably took about God, I want to say, like two three hundred photos, wow, And even and then yesterday I took I mean I took maybe like sixty or seventy
rough estimate. But but it's just you know, you look at those photos that you take and it's you know, I'm capturing something that God created for me to see and like I say, I look at those pictures now being in recovery, and I see him so much differently.
Because life is so different, like you're actually you're actually living life now. Yeah, And to see that play out and on social media and Facebook, it's great. Man, Like I don't get on Facebook that often, but I'll see your stuff every once in a while and I'm like, oh, I like it, or put a big heart on it, or tell you a good job, or I don't know what I do.
But and sometimes and it doesn't. It used to bother me, but it doesn't anymore.
But some people.
Will will I ask me, well, you know you post too much, you you post too much about It's like, well, it's not for you, it's for me.
It's it's for me because I want to it.
It gives me the accountability that I need. And and plus people will ask me, well, how are you doing, how's you know, how's your sobriety doing? And nine months it's, you know, nine months of being sober. It's it's amazing, really amazing.
Get that year that year hopefully, you know, I mean, fingers cross, you gotta make it today. We all know that but yeaheah, I mean it's just right around the corner. And I don't know that year was something for me. And you're still getting your coins every month, right, yeah, And but that was something that you know, I think I shared with you. I gave those coins to my
mom and I still mailer a coin every year. But when I hit that year, everything seemed to speed up, Like I don't know if it was because every month I was looking for that coin, so like every month I was tracking it, Whereas when I hit the year, it was just like all right, boom, you're sign cruise control.
And then I think I got an NA tag at year and a half, but then I had to wait the whole year for that second year, you know, so it seemed like it flew by the second year and I was like, whoa, I got two years now, Like that's crazy.
Yeah, yeah, it's crazy. And seeing when you whenever you're in recovery, because it starts out as like as seconds and then it turns into minutes.
Hours, days, weeks, months, and then years, you know, and then your kids won and you're like, how did he turn one already? And he was like, oh my god, it's flying by but yeah, man, I remember leaning in the Hi hospital bed and thinking hours had went by and it had only been a minute. And I was like what, like no, like this can't be like it was. Hell, we felt every minute of that, man, Like people know
what I'm talking about. You know what I'm talking about, Like it's yeah, you just said it, you know, so to see you turn it around, man, it is. This is a beautiful thing, man, And not everybody can do it. Unfortunately, you know, it doesn't happen. It took me fifteen times man.
And and I think, and now that you say that, I look back and you know, at myself, and it's like, I'm surprised how well I'm doing so far in recovery and with not even not even one relapse. I have not re relapsed once. And whenever I was in rehab, there was there was there was a gentleman and I stayed there with and he had asked me, well, how many times have you been into rehab? I was like, this is my first time and he he was like, this is your first time? And I was like, yeah,
this is this is my first time. He's like, well, what made you come? What made you get into rehab? I was like alcohol did alcohol and alcohol.
Really you know, put a strain on my life.
And whenever I was in uh, now I'm thinking about all these things that I did in rehab. I my therapist I had in there, he had us do a write a thank you and goodbye letter to our drug or choice, which mine was mine was alcohol. Yeah, I might, you know, I smoked weed and everything. But that wasn't like that wasn't my go to.
It wasn't ruining your life. It wasn't ruining my killing. It wasn't ruining my life.
I mean it could yeah, it could have, but you know, but but they he added me to a thank you goodbye letter, and I can't remember like and I whenever I was in rehab, I was always writing. I was always writing my thoughts, collecting my thoughts, and I had uh talked about in my thank you goodbye letter, like you know, thank you for giving me the what I thought was a good time back then, and but now.
It's I guess I have to say goodbye. You.
You were you were never a best friend to me. You were never you were nothing. You were you were nothing for me. You were you're something that was holding me back. Stabbing me in the back, taking things away out of my life that I ye, were slowly coming out of my life, like he even said earlier, it was you know, friends, family, job, money, and.
It was you know.
And as soon as alcohol or your addiction takes all that away from you, what else, what else does it have to take.
Away from you? Your life? And they'll get that too, Yeah, it does. And then you know, I don't know if they classify it as an alcohol related death. Probably not, But like if your liver fails and you die, do they just go liver failure or do they chalk it up to it's alcohol death. I don't know they should be because if you want to go back and just go how crazy alcohol is, let's just take this story I'm gonna set up for you, right, all right, you got Jack and Jill. They're at a party. Now, it's
twenty twenty, twenty twenty. They're at a party before COVID or I guess twenty twenty was all COVID. So let's go back to twenty eighteen. All right, let's go, let's go back pre COVID. So Jack and Jill at a party, Jack and Jill drinking and yeah, they're twenty one, let's say, you know, and they're in college. They're having a good time and Jack falls on Jill peepee goes in oop to have baby or if you want to do it. They start making out, have some sex, have baby. That
a little better, Okay. So she comes to him and like, hey, Jack, I don't even know you, dude, but I'm in college and I'm gonna be this lawyer thing, so I'm gonna go ahead and have an abortion. Oh well. Jack's like, well, but you're you're hot, and I thought I just landed you for eighteen years, Like what are you talking about?
You know? Oh no. So since Jack down a spy roll because he's thinking, oh my god, like what I can't have no, say, I can't do that, like what, it's my son, She's gonna kill him, like this is crazy. And then she gets it done and he goes on his wippit. He starts turning into alcohol because it helps him numb the pain, and then her I'm sure having an abortion's got to mess people up. I'm obviously a guy, but still are I've never had this in my life, so again I'm speaking of stuff I don't know. But
again this is just a story. So then she starts struggling because she's having these thoughts of oh what if. And then a year goes by, Oh, he would have been in one today, two, three, four, Every birthday. The drinks come a little bit more, a little bit more, and now the cope with her pain of having that abortion. She's drinking. Jack's drinking too. They're on there, they're not they don't even know each other anymore. They're on an alcohol destructive path. And then Jack gets into an accident
that kills people. Oh that drunk, alcoholic, he's so bad. But it all stems back to when they didn't have a problem. Is when it started, and it all had to do with alcohol. If they wouldn't have been drinking and drunk, maybe Jack wouldn't have filled on Jill. Maybe the wouldn't have had sex. Yeah, you know, but they did because alcohol makes it lowers your ambitions and you do things you normally would not do, and all because
of alcohol. But that this death or that death, or maybe the accident death would be attributed to alcohol because it was related. But you know, maybe Jill takes her life, Maybe she takes her own life. Oh, that's just Yeah, there's suicide, but that's not even related to alcohol, you know, And it's like, no, it needs to. But there's so many stories like that that are interwoven. But it all go back to alcohol. And I'm not saying pan alcohol. That's not gonna happen. They tried that. And there are
people my brother he can have a beer. I can't. I cannot. Why would you have a beer that's stupid?
You know?
How big is it?
Like?
Is it a whole keg? Like?
Yeah, it would have to one beer could be one beer, could be could mean ninetyeen like it could be just like a little old tiny bottle, or it could be like you just said, a whole keg.
It would have to be for me to have one beer, Like are you talking about a keg of beer?
Like?
I will have one keg? Like if I have one beer for me as pointless? Like why would we have one beer? That's stupid? You need at least fifteen twenty let's get three cases, let's go. It would not be just but but Travis he can have a beer with his dinner. He probably might even finish it. Come for the rest, who does that? Yeah, because they are different, I can go into a casino. I don't know why I would want to lose twenty dollars, but whatever, I could do that. And you know, then when they say
gamble responsively. Martie and I were talking about this yesterday and she's like, yeah, but there's responsible gambling. I said, not for an addict, you know, because they do the whole harm reduction thing, which okay, cool, do whatever you need to do. Whatever works for you, is what I say. But for me that that wouldn't been important. Nah and
one bit. And I see it different in the light of you take what you're telling the normal people, Hey, drink responsibly, gamble, don't don't gamble what you can't afford to lose like that. That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. Gamble response possibly, What will you tell my brain that? Because when that serotonin fires after I just won that ten grand, you come and tell me gabled responsibly, and I'm gonna be doing dancing ten throwing money at you.
You know, like, can you get on my face because your brain so you can say all the stuff. Don't drink and drive. We've been saying that for hundreds of years, right, probably not that long because you know I was being sarcastic, but forever yet people still do it. So I click, it doesn't work. Take it off your lottery ticket, take it off whatever. Like putting it on there is just a waste of ink. You can make that a little
cheaper if you just use less ink. Yeah, because it doesn't make sense because like I cannot drink responsibly, you know, you know, however, they say I can't have another drink. And I know that. I know that because I've seen people go through that treatment center that you went to, that had twenty years and when COVID hit, it took away their meeting that they only went once a week to their Saturday meeting. Well o, their meeting closed down, and guess what, started drinking again. And he said he
lost it quicker than he could have ever imagined. Yeah. I was like, yep, I believe you dude. History does repeat itself, and I will listen to what you're saying. And I've heard too many stories like that, So I know that in ten years, twenty years, one hundred and fifty years, if I'm I'm a life in fifty years, what's I won't be. I know that I cannot have a drink. Yeah, and at least I know the result of it. But I will have that option always the rest of my life. I could go to the store right now.
Yeah I can. I mean absolutely, like whenever I got up here, got up here, I mean I I've done so many things up here, like walking downtown and seeing like you know, these bars and people walking in and out of it. They're either walking in there, you know, walk in they're sober, but they're not going to walk out. They're not going to walk out of that place sober. And I uh, I can't remember which, which, which grill
and bar it was, but it was it was. It was downtown and I was just taking you know, taking.
Up and I do a lot of walking.
Now, do a lot of walking and go hit up the gym whenever I can. And I remember I was walking. It was, uh the thing. It was the first night I uh, I got here and I had walked downtown and I walked in front of this this bar and these people were just walking out of it one of and I don't know if if it must have been like a wedding party or something, I don't, I don't know, and they were just they were you know, hootl and hollering.
One of them ended up falling out and front of the on the sidewalk, and I was like that and that was me, Like, oh, that was pretty much me back then. Whenever, you know, if I went to the bar after work, and I I never I drank more at home by myself than I did going to the bar. I mean I still went. I still went to the bar. I mean I went to a h went to the bar with a couple of friends, you know, after work and going and we have you know, just like maybe like two or three drinks and then but and then
we went our separate ways. But I stayed there. I paid my tab and I was like, eh, I'll just stay here.
I mean, I mean I'm only I'm only like maybe like a couple of blocks away from from the bar. So I was like, I'll be fine to drive home. Well.
And I always remember, now, before going to the bar, there was a liquor store apart across from from the bar, and I would always go in there before going inside the bar, because I.
Knew whenever I got home from the bar I was going to I was was that's where the real drinking happened.
That's that's where it's like all bets are off. You can there's there there's no limit on how much how much you can drink. So I, you know, went to the liquor store.
But whatever I whatever.
I thought I could could have and whatever I thought, you know, I could finish in the night. And you know, I take out to my car, and there might have been a time or two it's like, you know, I can't wait till I get inside the bar.
I'll take this, I'll take the stuff out to my car.
You know, maybe crack when open, have a little sip, you know, a couple of SIPs and put it back, you know, put in my car, walking side the bar, you know, do what you know, have have my drinks in there, and you know, meet up with my friends. And whenever they left, I still stayed there. And after that I went back out to my car, finished that, finished the one that I opened up before, go walking
inside the bar, and then drove home. And there's been a numerous amount of nights where I get home and I'd either be watching TV, playing video games, just do stuff that I can drink with. So and if I ran out of alcohol, I was like, well, I'm still going to be up. I was like, I gotta go back to the gas station, get more did like the adult things like going to you know, going to the store, going you know, doing stuff, doing boring stuff around the house,
like laundry. It's like, well, what man does laundry?
I used to do laundry at five am on Sunday, man, because I have to drink. Like you said, with the video games, like you you like morph your whole world into things that you necessarily don't like. But as long as you're drinking while you're doing it, it's fine and you're accepted and it's cool. It's good. Hey, I'll do I've got to clean the house. You gotta do laundry. I mean I gotta do it on Sunday at five am.
Now every other day of the week, I'm rolling out of bed nine, get to the radio season like ten, barely make it. But on Saturday and Sundays four or five, as soon as I wake up, it's it's on and popping to the freezer to get the half gallon and let's go and then we'll start the laundry.
Yeah.
And it was like passed out by ten.
Oh yeah, and yeah, I still remember, like I didn't wait until after work to get to get tanked up. It was it was if I need to go to the store for something, or and I and I would go to the store or make some excuse to go till lead the house to be like, well, I gotta go fill up my car. I need to get gas
from my car because if not, I'm gonna forget. Well, little did people, little did people that you know, my mom, I should say, not really on speaking terms with her situation, but not going to get into that, but she would ask me, well, we're you off to well, I'm gonna go fill up my car before, you know, before I go to work, because if not, I'm gonna forget. But little did she know that my car was either let's just say my car didn't need to have gas, did
not need to have gas. And it's like, well it was, you know, go to the liquor store, you know, sit out in the parking lot and drink there and then go back home. And she and then there was even times where she would me, too, well, will you go to the store for me? Will you will you by get me? Will you buy go and get me stuff? So you know, so I can make dinner. Yeah, okay, I will.
You got excited when you heard that. Yeah, I was like, oh yeah, well you go yeah yeah, yeah. Don't don't tell me you twice. I'll go right, get right in my car and go go on ahead. Yeah. It's it's the same thing, like if you like. But I just said about getting up on the Monday, Tuesday wednesay. Oh oh wait, was there drinking of Oh yeah, am I gonna drink yeah? Yeah, And it's the same. And I wonder how because gambling it works the same way with
the serotonin and dope mean and all that. I wonder how tolerance because alcohol obviously if you because if you're like, oh, I just drink two beers every night. I had a lady say that she drinks two glasses of wine every single night. I said, that's impossible. Your glasses have to get bigger because your body is gonna go. I just I need more, a little bit more, a little bit more.
That's why I like, you could never say I'm just gonna drink half a pint every night, because then it's gonna be well, I'm gonna need it a little bit more. And maybe I'll just do a pint and a half and or half pine. It's gonna grow because of the tolerance. And I remember, you know, back in the day, one beer he gets you whoa he tore up from one to two beers, Oh my god. And then he can
handle a whole six fact cool. And then it becomes a badge of honor like, oh he can drink a whole case bohmself yep.
And I remember talking to A to a good friend of mine. I pretty much call uh, pretty much call him you know or pretty much you know, brothers since I've known him for I would want to say the past fifteen years. And I remember UH having conversations with him about you know, about you know, me being an alcoholic and everyone and and not just and it wasn't just him, but everyone else didn't even think I had a had a drinking problem.
Well am I opinion as a professional radio broadcaster, it's it is Okay, it is the alcohol. Yeah, okay, that's because it's poison and that's what we turn to. But it's the underlying issue, Like this is what I think keeps people afraid because they don't want to be labeled alcoholic. But everybody has problems some people deal with them in different ways. Some people have unhealthy ways but it's not alcohol, but it's still unhealthy. You know. They have other different
outlets that they use. We chose alcohol again for us, it made sense easy right down the road. Just need some money to buy it. Okay, good, makes it go away for now. Okay cool? And I see commercials and its accepted. But when you realized that you had a problem, was like, oh, going to the hospital. And it's kind of like it shouldn't have to get to that level. But I think it's we fight so hard against that label of being called an alcoholic and being that person
that has a problem. You know, there's a person in my life right now and I wish this person would would just listen to me and those chance. About three weeks ago, I thought I was going to talk to this person. I was going to have this one on one where I was going to say, look like, I can tell you what's going on, and I'm not, no Tredymus, I'm not. I cannot predict the future, but I can predict yours. That's what I want to say. You know,
but it's not because the person's bad person. It's not, but I think this person is afraid to like drop their guard to go, okay, help me because they don't want to be labeled that bad person and they don't want people to think bad about them. And it's not about that, it's I don't know. It's so frustrating, and I can see where my mom was probably like wanting to lose her shit. Everybody in my life was probably
wanting to lose their shit. Is so frustrating, and what comes around goes around, you know, Like here I am with someone who I love dearly that I just can't I don't and I don't know. Just because I helped myself and changed my life doesn't mean that I can help you or help anybody else. You know, I can tell you what worked for me. Yeah, but you know, so like when family members will look at me and go, well, hey, how can you not helping this person, It's like, well,
he the person never asked me for it. And you know, they say that only a person like they saw this in AA anyway, like and maybe they say in other areas or different avenues too. But I'm the only one that can say that I'm an alcoholic. Yeah, now you throw a huge question mark up there. I'm like, well, what do you mean because your mom obviously knew an alcoholic kid. But they say A but as far as you getting help, like that's step one. You have to
admit you have the problem. Yeah, but I think step one should be admit that I have trauma that I haven't dealt with, and I and to understand that I am using the alcohol to help me through it. That's tough, especially if you're talking to someone who's currently drinking. That is impossible because they're gonna They're gonna do the same thing that I did. Probably you did too. Throw the double birds up. Don't need you anyway, Go live your life. F you see, I got my bottle.
I always whenever someone told me that I was you know, like even like family members told me, you know, yeah I was drinking too much, and it was like yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm I'm no, I know what my limit is.
But that was the alcohol that was telling me. Tell me that I knew my limit. I didn't.
I didn't have a limit, nor did I even know I had. You know, there was you know I had a limit.
He was having fun. You having fun? Man, Get off my back. Yeah, I was in.
Going back to talking with a good friend of mine, I was u whenever I was talking to him about you know, like recovery. Like every once in a while he'll talk and say, you know, well, you know how you doing, how you're holding up, you know, and he and I remember telling him one night, you know, talking about my uh time in act in an alcohol addiction.
I had, uh, I had pretty much didn't really care about what people thought of me, because I mean it was just like, I mean, oh well, it's it's another day, It's another day.
I don't care.
And I remember telling, telling my telling a good friend of mine that I remember back whenever I didn't even know. This is before my dad even passed away. So I I was, you know, didn't think, you know, didn't think nothing about it until un though after I'm getting into you know, into recovery. That I would save. There was a time where I saved like all my hard liquor bottles, whether if it was a pint or a fifth, and I put those on a shelf as almost like a like.
A trophy, like a trophy.
And I remember telling him, you know, saying that it's like before then, I was like, well, I don't know if I thought it was like now I now, I think that's number one, plain and stupid. It's it's it's dumb for someone to do that. But back then it was like, you know, I was proud of that, and but now it's like, I'm not proud of that at all.
I mean, and thinking about and I always say it, but thinking back, whenever I'm thinking, you know, how far in recovery and my sobriety, I look back and think about all the times I was I was an alcoholic and these situations I put myself in at the time, whether if it was you know, I didn't know where I was at or I blacked out.
I think of those times and I use it as as fuel to my to my fire to keep going. And whenever.
I think about those, it doesn't it doesn't trigger me. It doesn't, it doesn't trigger me at all. It in fact, it helps me because it helps me become the newer, the better you know, a new person. It gives gives me something to well, what like people ask me, what could you have done differently with being an alcoholic?
I mean, God on.
A street and I just and I talked to my therapists about this a couple of weeks ago and he asked me a question. I can't remember how he had worded it, but he asked me, would you have changed anything in your recovery or your sobriety. Would you have changed like even back whenever you're an alcoholic, would you have changed anything?
I said absolutely not, And he was.
Like, like what you even even you still want? I was like, well, number one, I didn't know. I mean I didn't know I had a drinking problem, that's one thing. And maybe this is the path that God wanted me to take, because it was either it was either he uh puts me through the storm and that or it's just it's it was life or death. And I, you know, think about how far I've went, and it's just it's
amazing how far, how far I've came. And they say that you know, taking you know, it's just taking that first step into recovery.
It's the greatest feeling in it. Yeah, it really is. God's great And that's the way to handle that man, that question, would you change anything? No, because he wouldn't be exactly You're right here today, this is exactly where you're supposed to be. This where God wanted you today. He wanted me here too. And if you change any little thing, I'm not going to be married. I'm not gonna have a kid. You know, like, no, no I will. I had to go through that pain to learn at all,
and I was stubborn. But when we go through those things and we learn, yeah, now we know. Now you know you have a problem. Now you know the danger of alcohol. It's not just oh, go have a beer like the commercials on TV. Hey go good down the boat and have some fun. No, it's not like that for you. For some people. Sure, Travis, he can go out, my little brother, he can go out and have a beer. He can have two or three. He can go get
drunk if he wants. But guess what that next morning, he's not going to the freezer getting his half gallon out, you know, like he'd be like, no, I got shit to do, you know. And maybe that's his addiction. I think hunting is Travis's addiction. Actually, oh oh, talk to him about that one. But I don't think it's addiction. I think it's a it's a hobby. I think it's anything can become unhealthy. You know, people work out, people
go to church too much, people do all that. You know, there's so many things that people can do too much of.
That.
You just have to kind of know yourself, know your role, and just know God's good, yeah, you know, and to look at the blessings of life today and the things that we have. When when I first brought you, or actually justin brought you up here, but when when I took you home, you know, like, I mean that was probably you were feeling way different when you I really was the oling way different. It was like.
It was whenever I hit like on the way up here, it was like I didn't know what to expect.
Going to rehab, did not expect you know what.
I was like the holding tank, you know, is it is it gonna be? Is it gonna be like prison?
Is it gonna be?
Like?
Is it gonna be? Are they? Are these people going to be like like a prison? Like a selling made Yeah, And some people in there do have that prison mentality, and you have to I mean I don't check them, but I'll be like, hey man, you have to live that way no more. Yeah, that's a lot of people. Will you'll hear that you don't have to live that
way no more? You know, And that means a lot of different things, but that prison mentality sometimes is in there, you know, because people do get locked up for drugs, and we take people from from jail to treatment a lot, and we love it because as a person who was locked up, going this is the help I need for
my mental problem, Like I I need help. And I think that's a good thing to get people who are locked up for drug charges would be alcohol, meth, whatever, and to get them in a place where they can help them. I think that's huge for society. For your kid, Yeah, your kid, I said, your kid. You're listening right now.
Your kid, your husband, your wife, your grandma, everybody. We've taken eighty I took an eighty five year old over to Detroit one time woman then had to go pick her up a week later because she had COVID drove the wreck as she had COVID in the back seat. Oh wow, yeah, that's I mean. We've taken many people that have full blown COVID right on in the start of COVID, you know, and it's just like, oh damn, okay, we'll get them there. But I don't even know what
I was talking about now. That get the old thing yeah, I don't know. Life is great though, it's beautiful. And I did remember something I was talking about earlier that I didn't want to mention before we in the podcast, and I was talking about the gamblers and if there's dope, you know, the tolerance, and I do remember hearing that for them, steaks have to get higher. Yeah you know where, Oh this black giant, it's not it's just not good enough. I got to go to the other tables where the
stakes may be higher. Or yeah, this thing. I was watching a movie on this stuff. But anyway, it was crazy and that they were talking to this one guy who was gambling addict and he had he was just want nuts and almost blew his whole retirement family all that. It's so similar to the to the alcohol person. But then he got his stuff together and become an alcoholic. That's what he said. Just like that. He was like, got my stuff together. I wasn't gambling no more, but
I substituted. He turned to drinking, and then he went back to gambling, and now he was gambling and drinking, and so he's like that was even worse, you know, but he ended up he had when he did the movie or whatever. He had five years cleaned from everything, so that was good. But like, you gotta be careful of the substitutions. And oh, I'll just do this, so I'll just smoke pot. People have said that, and it's like, okay, well I can't smoke pott it because I tried that
method too. I'll just smoke pot and let me right back to alcohol. Oh yeah, yeah yeah.
And that's another that was another thing too, And I'm glad you brought that up because I had someone had asked me to even whenever I got out of the hospital, because you know, I smoked weed too. I mean I whenever I first started. I was a straight up pothead, really, I mean and whenever, and I still was a pothead, but not like I wasn't like, you know, oh, let me go, you know, smoke, smoke four or five bunths
or how or however I chose to do it. And I remember getting out of the hospital and whenever I said, you know, I can't. I can't drink no more, No, absolutely not. And someone had asked me, well, are you still going to smoke weed?
No?
Why would I? And I always and I said, because it's like and I think about it back whenever I was an alcoholic, that whenever I would smoke weed and drink, smoking weed actually made me want to drink more.
So It's like, well, would.
I if I, you know, take a hit off of a half of a joint after being sober for nine months? Is it going to trigger me into going to the liquor store while I'm up in Traverse City to go to.
Go get a bottle? Nobody will know? Yeah, yeah, nobody, Yeah, nobody will know.
No.
One doesn't know me up here. And that was enough.
I thought that I was sinking on the way up here, was like, well, I mean, yeah, I'm I'm up here. I can you know. I could drink if I wanted to, But I'm not going to because why would I go back to the to to this same broken cycle that I've already been in. And I already know what's going to happen if I keep drinking. Because there, like I said, there was there was no there was no limit for me,
and they always and I've learned that. And I've seen a quote on Facebook, because I follow all these recovery addiction groups, and I've seen one on there, a quote on there. It says, the man takes the drink, their drink takes the drink, and then the drinks take the man.
And I think about that, and it was, you know, yeah, I take one drink, and then that first drink could make me want to take, you know, another drink, and then before you know it, the drinks have already taken me, taken my life, taken, taken every bit of everything I have. And for what recovery has given me back, it's given me back weight, so much more than what alcohol was
giving me giving me. And it was, you know, it's a bit, it's it's man, it's such a good feeling because you can't it's like you know how you think of uh, you know how you think of like many feel so good but you don't know like why, But I mean, with being in recovery, it's like I feel so good. It's just I don't know if it's just because I've been in recovery for so long, or if it's like you know, I know, I know, I don't
have that urge to drink anymore. And a couple of months, it was a couple it was, I want to say, maybe a couple of weeks ago, I went to the store after going to the gym, just you know, to UH to get groceries, and I was going by the UH by the alcohol liquor section, and I looked and it was like, you know, the more that I get further into recovery and think about my sobriety and how far I came, the less appealing that alcohol section is to me.
I used to get sick. I like, I almost vomit when I would see it just a thought because it was that very bottom shelf vodka that I just think, I don't even to think about it because it makes me want to puke. Yeah. So yeah, like just seeing that, you know, it's not fun and that brings back bad times.
And the reason why I think we appreciate life so much is because we we went through the dark, and you have to go through the dark to appreciate that light, you know, like people that didn't go through the struggles we went through. And there are people that went through million times as the struggles that we went through and that see the light even brighter than we do. So I'm not saying that, hey, we're the greatest people ever
because we used to be alcoholics. I'm not saying that, But I'm saying we went through very dark times in our lives, times that we thought we probably would never get out of, and we did. And now we got out and we have changed our lives and we are living better and life is happening to like real life is happening to us now and we appreciate it. And it scares me. There's a lot of things that scared me about it because I know how much I have
to lose now, you know. And yeah, but it's a great feeling, like we could go to the bar right now and go in there and just get people help, Like wouldn't that be fun? Oh yeah, Like I mean,
I want to help everybody, anybody. Like there's people I see walking on the street sometimes I'm like, man, I should stop and get that guy some help, because I want everybody to feel this, and especially when it comes to people that I know, and people from water vel Eat and Coloma and Hartford will reach out to you because you're posting that stuff. And there was a guy,
Jason Voter. I saw him and I remember I was driving home from Grand rap As after I took someone to treatment that it had nothing to do with too seven I mean that was in my active addiction back then, and I saw him post on Facebook. I was driving and I'm looking at my phone and he had posted that he had so many days sober, and I'm like, lucky bastard. I remember thinking of that. But we ended up talking and he's been on the podcast a few times, but I think he's got it like nine years now. Wow.
But but it's crazy because I reached out to him later. You know, it wasn't for help, but but it was to tell him that his message that I saw that day didn't it did impact me, you know, so all those people that whatever, dude like I'm following me then like I don't care, Like that's what and yeah, and it was whenever people say that, and you never know who's going to see it. Yeah, you never know who's going to see it. And it's like it might be someone.
That has that has a problem that sees it and they're like, I'm out alone.
I'm not alone.
And I might have and I've had might have had one per I've had some people asked me, well, where'd you go to rehab at? And I I tell him, I went up to Traverse City and I I and they said, well, what made you go up there? And it's like, because I wanted to you know, I needed first and foremost I wanted I didn't want no one to know me.
Pretty much like you said.
And then it was like I needed to break from Southwest Michigan. And they in they had told me, you know, asked me like you know, then people and then there's other people ask me, well, what made you want to get sober? Because I wanted to have a life. I didn't have a life whenever I was whenever I was drinking, and I thought, I mean, and that's the crazy thing with alcohol is that you know, it makes you think all these things, but it's not it's not, you know,
not necessarily true. Like it makes you think, oh, well, you're capable of doing that and anything and everything, and you can do this or you can have a good life. No, you can't have a good life, especially whenever you don't know that you don't know your limit. And I and I've said this to people, and it's like, you know, there are some people out there that need help and recovery, need the help and the recovery like like like how I needed it, And it's not for those that need it.
It's for those that want it. Yeah, Like I can tell someone you know off the streets like, hey, you you need help. You need you have a serious struck problem or a serious alcohol problem. You need to go get help. I can't make that person go get help. They have to want it first.
Yeah, he may not even know he has a problem. Yes, that you know. And if you don't want it, if you don't think it's a problem in your life and it's telling you it's not, then who are you to tell somebody? And that's that's what makes it so hard, you know, when you're when people do reach out, then it makes it easier because heyt listay're asking for help, But that those other ones you don't know who's going to see it, and you don't know it could be
ten thousand people. I think it's wasted time and it's stupid. But that one person that sees it, you know, that's what it's for. And yeah, you're you're just showing off what you're you're living life, man, you know, like, yeah, life's been and life's been Like like I've always said, life's been been beautiful.
It's it's more I appreciate it more now than I did back then, because I I easily could have not have went to the hospital. I mean I could have easily not went to the hospital and gotten the help and found out you know, oh, well you have alcohol. You have thorrosis of the liver from heavy alcohol usage. And then I remember, I remember a couple couple months after getting out of the hospital or not hospitals to say I rehab I had uh hadn't had an inset.
And this is what scared you know, scares me, you know, scares me makes me want to do more, do more as far as getting staying sober, is you know, because of my health, Like my health has been one of the number one things that gives me. The anxiety, the depression that I've been been you know, fighting and going through.
And a couple of months, you know, back in April, I had an incidant where I just you know started you know, not to get you know, too descriptive, but you know I started getting you know, start throwing thrown up blood and went to the hospital and they and they said that you know, my with having I guess they said that with uh, with having the uh, the cirrhosis. It leads to like the esophageal verses like in u esophagus.
And I was at grade two and they said that if I and one of them was pretty much about the rupture and meaning that it was, you know, I could have I could have bled out in my sleep.
Family could have bled out in my sleep. And they had said, you know, you know, you probably would have bled out your sleep and most likely could have died. That's that was one thing that scared me. And then as a matter of fact, and then just.
Before that March, I went to seeing a liver transplant clinic up in Grand Rapids just to talk a little bit more about my liver. And they said, had you have, you know, not stopped, you would you would have needed a liver transplant to have any chance of survival. And they talked about the scoring chart with liver disease and they and with being you know, six being the lowest, forty being the highest, you know, and then between fifteen and forty would put you on the list for a transplant.
I was out of twenty five back then, and they said that you most likely wouldn't need to have a transplant back then. But then they said, well, you know, with your with staying sobers, you know, staying active, keeping your body healthy. You're now back down two and eleven. And that was and that was like one of the a good feeling, but it also still scared me because it's like a transplant and I've looked, you know, I honestly,
I honestly looked up on YouTube about a transplant. I was like, oh shoot, I was like, I yeah, I'm And then just a couple of weeks ago, I went to go see a cardiologist and they and they're just you know, talking about my heart and they they I can't remember the exact name of what it is, but they asked me, well, when did you start having these symptoms or when did you start going to the hospital for your cirrhosis as I went back in November, and they said, had you not went, then you most likely
would have been in heart failure right now and you potentially could have been dead or be dying. And I and that's still, like I said, the health, My health has been the number one thing that scares me to death almost every single day because it's like I don't know if I'm going to you know, if I'm going to survive That's why I'm so more passionate every day about you know, staying sober and making all the you know, all the posts I make about you know, recovery is possible,
and I want people to know that it's possible. It's just all about changing your whole perspective on life and taking that first step forward, because I'd much rather have the worst sober day than the best drunk night.
Yeah yeah, or worst sober day is way better. Yes. And I'll tell you, man, it's great to see again you've lost a lot of way you're you're doing things. And that's the other thing too.
Like everyone's like it's funny because I, uh just the day before I came up here, I uh went to uh went to the gas station to get fill my fill the car up before heading up here. And it was a gas station where I always I say my go to gas station because that's where I went to go get my alcohol. And the gentleman was.
Like, is that you. I was like, yeah, that yeah, it's me. He's like, you look good. You lost the way. I was like, yeah, man, I had to quit drinking. It's either I quit drinking or I was gonna die. Yeah. People don't. People don't. I guess some people realize, but it really swells your face up. Oh, it does big time.
And I mean even posting like like before and after photos of like before photos of whenever I was and you know, an alcoholic to me now, it's like people they're like, I can hardly recognize you. And as a matter of fact, the whenever I went up and visited the uh the facility I was in, I actually stopped there yesterday and I'm gonna stop back over there again
later today. And uh, yesterday I stopped there, talked to one of the navigators and he didn't He hardly recognized me until I started, you know, I started talking to and he's like, I thought that was you. You look amazing you. You look so much healthier. And he even said that you look way better now and you did
whenever you first were in treatment. Yeah, And it was like it was like, yeah, man, I'm just taking care of myself, taking care of you know what's most important to me now and that's life.
Well, you keep on doing that, and I don't know, next time when you come up you have to pop in do another podcast. Okay, this on your goals and your dreams and your visions and we'll do all that stuff next time, but do this good scene. Yeah, I'm glad that you came back. And yeah, it's fun. I love it when people get it and you can have that same feeling of like.
Yes, it's always amazing to talk to somebody who had the same struggles as you, because it's like, you know, you could have been you could benefit from something that I say, or I can benefit something from what you said, and it's just it's you know, it's just amazing talking to, you know, to other recovering alcoholics, because it's like you never know what you say might be their survival guide.
And that's how I always say, is that, you know, first year of sobriety and recovery is all about survival.
Man, Yeah it is. You got too. But I'm proud of you, man, and I appreciate you coming to see me and there showing on the podcast. Yeah, thanks, it is awesome. Appreciate you well. Thanks and be in touch and we'll do part two next time. Oh yeah, it's part two.
Thanks for listening to the two seventeen Recovery podcast. Listen to over nine hundred episodes on the two seventeen recovery app that's free in your app store or online at two seventeen recovery dot com.