This is the audio from Recovery Stories Message of Hope, Part four, recorded on October seventeenth, twenty twenty four from Traverse City, Michigan, courtesy of Months in Behavioral Health with a grant from HRSSAY Health Resources and Services Administration. Here's Corey Winfield with a story about his recovery journey.
The story I'm going to tell is from Fortsmouth, Arkansas. I was living there working for iHeartMedia. It was end of November twenty fourteen, and I remember that because I had saved up so much vacation time, I was taken the whole month of December off and I was on my way to this food drive that I had started with the stations, and we had all of our stations out there and I was wrapping it up. I was
the last broadcast after that. I was on vacation, and I remember I was writing out there with our sales manager. I was in his big four truck and it was so cold and rainy, and the whole ride, I'm keeping my hands in my pocket because I'm shaking. It had been eighteen hours since I had a drink, so like, oh my God, I can't wait to get there, to get out to have the excuse of it's cold and rainy. That's why I'm shaking tonight. You know, come bring some
canned food down, you know. I mean it was bad, and the only way to get that to stop was to buy more. And I knew, like, man, I just got to make it through this like three four hour shift whatever it was, and I get back to work or drop the stuff off, and then I could go on with my whole vacation. And while I was out there, my plan worked. I got out there and the sales guy was out there. He was this little marine dude, and he wasn't stupid, you know. He saw me go
puke behind this trailer and I come back. He's like, you're gonna be okay, You're gonna make it through this. And I was like, yeah, man, yeah, that's just I've been around so many people, you know, collecting all this food. And he's like, you're gonna make it through this, you know, cause that's all he cared about, was like, are you gonna are you gonna put off for my client? You know, like, don't don't make us come back. I have to do another free one. So I was done.
I went to the liquor store.
It did my thing, and I don't remember anything about that thirty day, that month long vacation in December of twenty fourteen, getting a package for my mother. This was the first time I'd never went home for Christmas. I was thirty six years old. I had been home for Christmas every single year except this one. And I waited and I got it on like the twentieth or something.
I know, I not exactly as sure of the day, but it was before Christmas, and I just set it in a corner and on Christmas Eve that's when my family would open presents. And I started opening it and I was just bawling, and I couldn't figure out why, you know, like drinking away all my emotions. I was left numb. But I knew I was hurting. I knew I was sad. I wasn't sure why, though. Was it because I'm drunk? Was it because I missed being there? You know, I wasn't sure. But I opened it, and
I'm not even sure if I called my mom. You know, we weren't even talking. There was about a year we didn't talk. We would talk and a few months though, because I go back to work in January, right after a whole month off, I go back to work and my coworker we're outside smoking and he's like, man, Corey, you look Joundae.
I was like, well, so do you dude? You know I did.
I didn't even know what Johndace meant, you know. I was like, you sure looks Johndae, bro. And he's like, no, for real, man, you're you're Joundace, you know. And I was like whatever, And I went and looked it up online. Oh, it's Johndace. You was talking about liver failure. And I'm like, shit, I'm thirty six, man, That's not gonna happen to me. I'm not even an alcoholic or nothing, you know, Like I'll just drink a half gallon every day in her and a half or so. But that's all right. Yeah,
everybody does that, man, everybody everybody. My mom and dad don't because they're stupid. But everybody else in the world does, though, So that's not me. And so I started getting this pain in my stomach and I got to the point where I would I'd be moaning at my desk and just moaning, and the fact that I would have to record my my show when I was in two different markets. I was in Fort Smith and in Fayettville doing Afternoon
and I would record that show all the time. But then I had to start recording my Ford Smith show because I could only stand up for like ten minutes and I had to lay down for fifteen. I could stand up for ten to lay down fifteen. And my coworker came over to my desk and he picks up my phone and we had the same doctor and he's like, man, here, call the doctor. You got to make an appointment. I'm tired of hearing you moaning. And so I did, and I went and saw and he's like he was from
some other country. I don't know nothing against other countries, but he was like, what's wrong with you? I was like, I don't know, man. My co worker said, I'm Johnnis. He was like, yeah, you're I'll give you this pill. So give me this pill. It was like two hundred and fifty bucks tw hundredo hundred ffy bucks, remember being expensive. I'm like, man, that's a lot of liquor. I'm not going to be able to buy now because that's how we think. And I took the pill. It didn't help.
And he had also made me an appointment with a gastrologist on that Monday, because it was a Friday when to win salm. So I go see the astrologist on Monday and I go into the office and I was hurting so bad.
I asked him out at the front desk.
I said, please, can I just go in the back of your office somewhere and stand in the closet. I was like, I can't se out out in your lobby. I was like, I'm hurting and I'm yellow, and I was like, I just need to lean against a wall. And the lady's just looking at me like, yeah, okay, we could probably and they did. They put me in this closet, just sitting and I was just leaning against this closet, which seemed like for hours.
I mean, I was in pain. It hurts so bad.
And then the doctor comes and sees me, he draws my blood. He comes back right away and he's like, all right, we got to get you to the hospital. We got you a room. I was like, I'm sorry for doing what. I was like, I'm here from my stomach hurting. He's like, well, your liver hasn't been working for we're guessing about four days. Oh, your kidneys are shut down as well. And I'm like, but you just took a blood test, bro, Like how do you know that? And he's like, oh no, because this is your numbers
and we know. So we got you over there. So I went over there and I remember getting in there and I had this like nasty beard. I mean I had been gone on a vacation for a month in my own house and probably not showering, maybe once a week, I don't even know. But I was looking like a hot mess. And they put me in this thing and put the stin in my chest and I remember like, hey, you're gonna numb me up, right, and.
They're like oh yeah yeah, and they just put this just stuck it right in my chest. I was like, that hurt.
And they're like, yeah, well, we didn't have time to you know, numb me up and do all that, like we have to deal with this right now, like we have to give your liver steroids.
I'm like, all right, cool.
And the next day I'm laying there and I'm just like, man, what can I get out of here? And this doctor comes in and you know how the doctors are man, they don't like joke sometimes. But this doctor came in and he was real, like no nonsense. And I had three doctors. I had a liver doctor, kidney doctor, and I don't know what this guy was, but there was like three of them. This guy comes in. He's like, all right, well, let's start with some few questions. I
was like, all right, man, what's up. When can I get out of here? And he's like, no, no, no, I'm asking the questions.
I was like, okay.
He's like, first we'll ask how long you been an alcoholic. I'm looking at him like, dude, you just call me a bad name. I'm sorry, but I'm not an alcoholic. I just had a good month. That's like I said, I had a good month. I had a whole month off.
Man.
I woke up, it was six o'clock, it was dark. AMPM who cares back to drinking. I didn't care, you know, I was that gone. And I told him I just had a good month. And he was like, you might have had a good month, but you're here because your liver is not functioning, your kidneys aren't functioning, and I've seen pictures of your liver. You are an alcoholic and I didn't like any of that. I didn't like anything you had to say. And I was in the hospital
almost a month and it sucked. And I even told him I'm gonna shave my beer and you you're not gonna recognize me and I'll just walk right out of here. And then it almost worked too, and they was like, oh, if you would have told me your plan, I don't think I would have known who you were. And I was like, oh damn, I'm.
Like, wow, that could have worked.
But no, it was crazy, man, Like I didn't pee for three or four days, and then the nurse had told me, she's like, if you pee like this much in this cup, you need to hit that button and let us know. I'm like, okay, so I remember that day I finally did.
It was like sirrup, you know. And I finally I'm.
Like, hey, I beat that much kind of go home and she's like, what, okay, that's good, we'll be there. Like they didn't act like it was this big accomplishment like I thought it was, you know, like yeah, but no, that was a good sign that, you know, my liver was coming back on and my kidneys as well. And I did do dialysis every day. They'd wheel me down at five am thirty six. I'm not supposed to be here, and there's older people there and they're all looking at me.
And of course they wouldn't let me ever control the TV. No, it was always some cooking show or like this old house, or it was always something like nothing I wanted to watch, and they were like, what.
Are you even doing in here? And I'm like an accident.
The doctor gave me the wrong pill, which was I told everybody, I told my work and everything that it was bad. But back to the alcoholic thing though, because it wasn't until years later that I realized that maybe I am different, maybe I think different. I'm not the kind of person who likes to beat myself up. I don't look in the morning every morning and be like, well I'm a piece of shit. Let's go to work and get it done. That doesn't work for me, you know,
maybe I should think about it different. And just the fact that I clearly was in the hospital because I had a problem. Alcohol was what I reached for to numb that problem, and I reached for a lot of it. But just calling myself an alcoholic and I know there's a person here today, and the person says, hey, I have to call myself that, and you can call yourself whatever you want.
That's you. You know.
If you have to go to a meeting and be like, hey, I'm so and so I'm an alcoholic.
Do it. Do it. If it works for you, do it.
But for me, it's more powerful for me to walk into a meeting and say, hey, what's up. I'm Corey. I'm a person in recovery. You know, that for me is moving forward. And I noticed, I don't know, maybe you're a year or two ago about that word alcoholic and being called something negative and how I frame it in my mind. So that's kind of my message, you know,
just how you frame it in your mind. Man, if you want to wake up and say you suck, do it, but no, but for real, you know, do whatever works for you, and you have to kind of maneuver your way through it. And I'm not saying go do it your way or go do it his way. I'm just saying it's different ways for everybody, you know, and that's kind of what we do at two seventeen Recovery. But thanks for coming out, Thanks for.
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