December 13th, 2024 - Self Awareness

Welcome to the two seventeen Recovery Broadcast.

If you don't make mistakes, you won't learn.

With your host Corey Winfield, you.

Know how you know fish as bad as you can't put it on pizza and special guest Justin Burke.

I said something about that to our master radio broadcaster and he said that he didn't hear nothing. Got your ass.

It is the thirteenth of December twenty twenty four.

What's up.

My name is Cory Winfield from Justin Burke. Welcome to seventeen Recovery Podcast. Ben a minute, we backed out? Yeah, got the Recovery Stories Message of Hope, Part four videos done. They're up at two seventeen recovery dot com and on our YouTube channel.

Hell yeah yeah, Now you compressed them all into one video. To me, no a movie like we did.

With No One, which I might look at that again, but I think Amazon changed ourselfs because Amazon, because we've all seen some crap on Amazon.

You're like, are you kidding me?

Son't paid to make that right, And I tried to do that with the Recovery Stories. One did all the editing, all the stuff, spent so much time on it, and then they had to get it all in the right format, right size, all this stuff, and they're like, yeah, you can't do that what the learners.

Why I asked is because sometimes our friends across the street likes to show part one right as because it's all put together in one show and they don't have to do multiple clicks. Mm hmmmmmmm.

Now I might do that because back to my story here is if you had something that has multiple parts to it, like part one, part two, part three, part four, whatever, yeah, then I believe at one point in time you could have done that. But I think they changed it to where like you can't do that anymore because people were putting so much garbage on there. But I could still put it together. It's all one thing I'm lacking, Like it's bad.

This hard work. I got a roof this house.

And from over here and over there and then back to over here.

So heavy.

Yeah, no, I'll look into that, but it's right now though. They are just separate parts.

You know.

There's Kim, there's me, Russ Jesse telling the story, and then Marnie and Chris Goss who used to be on two seventeen Recovery podcast.

His story was amazing, like truly amazing.

He gave a good message of hope. And I liked what Chris said about smoking weed. And I remember back in the day, man, and it was actually when Chris moved into the Silver Living House I was managing and he became a member of two seventeen Recovery podcast. And before he he moved in though, well, let me backtrack it all. When we were in treatment together, we were the bus home. I remember him saying, I'm still gonna smoke weed, man. I said, all right, man, well, and

It's not the buzz you're looking.

Yeah, my alcohol brain was like, I want alcohol, Screw this weed. And all the other people I've talked to that had other substance choices would kind of say the same thing, but that they went back to just weed, and it never was just weed that always led them back to something. Well, alcohol is never my problem, then I'll just smoke weed and drink. Okay, Well, let's break down the addiction part. Let's break down the trauma that you're covering up. Let's let's start there. Because you're covering

So Chris tells me though, I'm just gonna smoke weed.

And I said, all right, well, be careful man, you know, and do what you need to do. I'm not trying to tell people what to do what not to do. I'm just saying what for me. It didn't work. Well, maybe like three weeks later, I get a message, you know, and he's like, hey, man, can you I need some help because I'm doing other stuff now. And I'm like okay.

Well, as you speak of, that house just kind of fell apart, though there was more to that story of it just falling apart, because even though you may be sober, your mind's maybe not there yet, even though you're not using substances, because in your case was you know, you didn't allow certain guys to do certain things on premises, you know, like other people did so because they were filled by greed and selfishness.

By accepting, we don't have to beat around the bush, we can tell the story.

I think I've told them before. No.

I was managed in the Sober Living House with Ryan Peckman, who was once on the podcast, and things were going good at first Man, things are going real. What's the wor I'm looking for optimistic things are optimistic, yeah, for for kind of everybody in the house. And it started to not be and some red flags started happening with me. Because MAR It'schian Michigan and Association of Recovery Residences. They will go around and they will go through these houses.

I'm that I've never been in one of those harms.

I've been to some hell holes. So just oh, I'm gonna go to Silver Living.

No, No, it is very important what MAR does for recovering residences and for Silver Living home side. Now, I'm not saying that everybody that's certified with MARS up on the I don't know that, and I can't tell you that just because they're not that they're a bad place.

I'm not saying that.

But there are checks and balances with mar yep, so there is some of that. And I kept saying, why can't we do that, We can't we do this? Well to do that own the house apparently had some felonies, and then like with Ryan's passed, he there's no way that mar would have certified them with those two in their past.

I didn't know it at the time.

It was later I found that out, but I kept saying, once you get certified with Marrow, Oh, I'm trying, I'm trying. Yeah, he wasn't trying. He wasn't trying at all because he knew he couldn't, or at least he found out at one point he couldn't, and he wasn't making the money he thought he was gonna be making.

Well, yeah, but if you a mortgage on the house, you know, you gotta pay that the taxes, cleaning supplies, basic toletres like the paper products, you know.

Yeah.

I think he was doing it more for a A he thought he could make some money on it, and b he wanted that stature, his friends or was friends whatever, I don't really know. With Jason to back, who owns the sort of living home that I lived at for I think six months or three before, I don't remember, six months maybe, And he saw like people kind of looking up to Jason. I think he wanted that, yeah, and be.

Like that pillar of the community.

Be like, oh no, really, I don't think he wanted to be the pillar of the community. He just wanted people to look up to him. Yeah, you know, there are some issues I think with that guy.

But anyway, Yeah, so.

We come home one day from the store and Tyrone would always go check this bike out because when people leave, I think he gave him like two weeks or something, maybe a month to come back and get your stuff. Otherwise it was fair game. And Tyrone kept checking on the bike. So he goes back in this back room where the bike was, and he noticed that there's a sleeping bag on the floor, and oh, oh, I know.

Yeah.

At first I thought, oh, was somebody is living in here. Somebody snug snuck back in and they're living here. And so I went to lock the garage and this dude, it was Thomas or Mike.

I don't know.

He went by some fake ass name, but he comes running out. He's like, yo, what are you doing? And I was like, I'm locking the garage. Man, No, dude, don't do that. I'm bringing my girl over.

I was like what.

He's like, come on man, Ryan said it was cool. I already gave him some money. How much you need? Pulls out his wallet and starts trying to pay me in my I said, put your money away. I said, you know what, I'm going to leave this draw unlocked. But you know the house rules, you know, like you're not to have women trying to trying to bone some chicken the garage.

Dude, come on, bro.

Yeah and Sol were living like suchra relations inside this sober living in property if not allowed.

It's it was that dude was trash, and so I went to Ryan and I went right to Ryan.

I was like, dude, what are you doing? He's like what.

I was like, homeboy just came and tried to give me money and said he gave you money and said you could bone his girlfriend in the garage.

Well, Chris gets blue jumps in the porking rude.

I was like, we're not talking about Chris and what are you doing at four in the morning and watching Chris in the car getting the you know whatever. I was like, dude, this is not what we're trying to do. This is not what we're about, you know. We're trying to show these guys how to live a better life. And I would bring Marnie over and because you could have women over there, you know, we just doing y'all hugged up on the couch.

Yeah.

But I was showing them like, look, we can make two seventeen recovery shirts. Tyrone made some wings and I was trying to lead by example to show them, Look, I'm not rubbing on her booty.

I'm not, you know, like, yeah, that healthy recovery environment. You know, if you were trying to rub on her booty, I'm sure you went and got a motel room or a hotel room. And there's a couple of motel room places in Boyd. I'm sure in the off season.

Wasn't bad price, Yeah, Potoski's cheaper, but you had to do what you had to do, you know. But at least when I had her around, I was I was trying to show them this is what you do, right, and being a year sober. I was just figuring it out too, you know, and I thought it was a good thing.

But yeah, all that went.

Down and it just was like from then I left, and like Chris kind of tells in his story a little bit, if you want to go watch the video like that's two seventeen Recovery dot Com. Chris kind of hints on how it was supposed to be the next Step House, and I think he called the wrong Step House or the Misstep House or something something funny. I think at some point the owner and a VID came back and was like, all right, guys, I'm selling the house.

I mean, it was. It was bad. It was really bad.

And you know that sucks that Chris had to go through that, cause when I was there, man, we had a good time.

Everybody was having fun.

We were making fun videos that were we were doing really good things in recovery, and you know, I just had to leave and do my own thing too, And it is what it is, but that can really trip somebody up. But Chris's story, you know, he had a couple more slip ups, and I always just keep telling him, man, just keep going, you know, don't don't give up yet.

Ship look out, let's have a part.

Yeah, you know, that's just a little thing sometimes, you know, and then before you know it, God will blush.

You with those other things.

And just when you think, oh, life's not going my way, well keep going, you know, and hell that the hell that we've been through and that I had to live through and I've heard it said so many times and it's kind of cliche, but my worst day sober is better than my best day he drinking, you know, or using, because there wasn't very many good days when I was an active addiction.

So yeah, the.

The worst day sober is still way way better. And we all have problems, we go through things. I was talking to my therapist about it just yesterday. I think, I know, two days ago.

Yeah, I think it was Wednesday, Yeah.

And it was kind of going over with her because I have some issues with you know, who I want or who I let watch my son, and I really don't want any by watching my son.

I want to be there for him. I want to do it.

And when I was watching him in his crib the other night, I put him in his crib, you know, so we could play and he doesn't really hang out in his crib at all, and he thought that was awesome. And I was just sitting there, like just looking over the side, thinking he's never going to be this small again. Like tomorrow morning when he wakes up, he's gonna be a little bit bigger than he is.

Yep.

When I get home today, he's going to be bigger than he was when I let you know, like he he's growing.

He's a little baby.

And they don't stop growing, dude.

Yeah, and so why would I want to?

I enjoy this and I had to watch him and that's when it was. On Tuesday, we had the movie that we showed here at the Alluvian and great movie, yeah, Tipping the Pain Scale. If you haven't seen that, find out how and watch it. It is really really good. But we had a premiere here and it came out like a year ago, but still we showed it here in Traverse City and it's a very interesting and good movie.

No, no, got to be me and you actually texted me one thing. You're like, can we please move the business cards? Yeah, and I simply moved him. I may have placed him there. I don't remember who placed them there. But as soon as I was like, yep, sure I get what you're saying, yep.

Because yeah, that's just I'm not going to get into that right now, but yeah, because I saw something. But still, but there was a time where I would have been like, Nope, I have to be there.

We have to bring him.

But we know he doesn't wan how to come to that event. He's a little baby and gets tired, like and I don't want to have a babysitter there, you know, like I can.

Watch him, it's fine, yeah, you know.

So I'm trying to work through that with my therapists and stuff, and you know, because Marnie believes that we should leave him with people so times and it's like, well, do we really need to?

And you know, there's.

Different things I can weigh into the consideration of oh, do we need a babysitter or can we or you know, it's like, well, how bad do I have to be there at that thing? I don't think I had to be there at all. No, So why wouldn't I watch my son, you know, just so I can go do some of this stuff or do that stuff.

Because, like you said, you'll never get those moments back. And every day he does something new and you're like, I miss that, Like how did I let myself miss that? How did I let miss watching him crawl for the first time, you know, yesterday, like actually crawling hands, knees all over the floor.

Now he's not doing it like evil crazy evil double baby that you see in movies or not like oh, you know, but he's he likes to put his booty in the air and kind of he's not really on his well, sometimes he's on his knees and sometimes he's just on his toes his hands.

He's getting it down a lot better than the army crawl that he was doing last week.

Yeah.

Yeah, so he's ready to go because he called from the chair to the kitchen. It's like, whoa time, get baby gates. Oh we got him there in the basement and dust them off. Yeah, because in another week he's going to be really good at it.

Oh yeah, I predicted Friday before Christmas. I think Miss Smoker said Christmas.

And I said Sunday and that was last week.

Yeah.

I was like, by Sunday he'll be doing it. Not too far off. But yeah, so it's those moments, man, and I want to be there for him.

So you got to because I mean, if you're not there, you feel those resentments towards yourself. Yeah, you know, like why wasn't I here? Why did I make the time? And like I catch myself doing that quite a bit lately, and just over things that I just wasn't around to show my daughter growing up, because being in and out of her life, like and then only being there on the weekends. You know, it was well, let's go have fun. And you know, it wasn't much of a learning process.

Know, you don't know what you don't know, and yeah, you know, probably just shake your head. I'm like, oh my god, I can't.

Like I wanted to yell at her first, and I'm like, how can I yell at her when I never showed her how to do something?

I yell at you? But yeah, you know, we're not in that. And it's just it's amazing that being a father and being at a place that I never thought I would be. And sometimes I think I need to go back and listen to the podcast from earlier, early days and you know, wanting the stuff that I have now back then, you know, and kind of making it happen. It's pretty cool, but it's a lot of work, and you know, being married or anniversary was yesterday, and you know,

Yeah, because I was in Sober Loving and I was like, oh, I get I'm invited, right, And because we just kind of like started our new friendship after outside of treatment, you know, and it's like you're like, no COVID, no one's coming. I'm like, oh okay, and I'm like that's kind of weird whatever, but but you did take a really nice video and it is out there, but you know, it was kind of cool how you did do it though, you.

Know, and if you want to see the video, I want to say, it's on YouTube, but it's also two seventeen recovery dot com slash wedding something like that.

I think that's the page for that.

But it's you know, it's it's amazing to be here and to be where I'm at and to watch you guys start doing what you're doing, and you know, to actually employ people who are in recovery to do recovery things. And is it stressful sometimes?

Sure?

You know, every every job is, every life is stressful. Sometimes, you know, whether you're dealing with your mother in law, or your mother, your stepdad or your step mom, or your dad, or your brother, your sister. It's always something, man, and you got to do your best decide step the stuff that's not your problem, and sometimes you just step right in in any way and then you're just like great.

Well, that's part of the reason why I choose to live by myself and so that I don't have to be subjectified by anybody at all. Well, if they called me, I don't. I can choose not to answer my phone. You know, I know none my family's gonna drive up here at the drop of a hat to beat on my door. You can't. You won't believe what your brother did today. You drove two hours up here to tell me what my brother did. Know, it just ain't gonna happen, you know. It's just I'm thankful for that. You know.

Sometimes they do every month, But that's fine.

You know, at least you're not getting the wellness checks anymore.

Yeah, yeah, I don't know how that would play out. No, it would be weird, that would be. But now that is, and you know, there's there's issues that you know, I saw have to work on with myself and do the best I can. But you know there's resentment things whether I am passive on something and I'm like okay, and then I regret it later, like man, I really should have put my foot down, you know. We really needed to be there for that, or I needed to be

You know?

And that might seem weird to say that, but if you look at a situation where if it's something that's going to make me happy and I need to do this for my soul, okay, well maybe that doesn't benefit the family immediately or directly, but it puts me in a better headspace which will ultimately affect the family better.

So and that's a two way street.

You know. I have to you know, take my wife's stuff into consideration too. You know, if there's something that she wants to do. Is that something that's going to benefit the family immediately? No, will put her in a better headspace? Yeah?

Or does she think it'll put her in ahead of a better headspace than that? It doesn't.

And then you're like, oh, that was a waste. But then you have to grill yourself back in and be like, well it's not should I could have would a time, you know, like it is what it is, and but it's it's a it's a process, man, and it's it's life. And that's the beautiful thing is I have a choice today, Because before I didn't it, I would just get drunk over it, get drunk over it, say stuff that I

You know? What?

What should I have done? Or what how? How would I have liked the outcome to be, you know, and taking someone else's feelings and thoughts and to consideration and like I said, you know, put yourself in their shoes for once.

And yeah, I've really had to learn how to do that lately too with my daughter, because like, she was never given the opportunity of choice until she came to live with me full time. And it's like, well, what do you want to do this weekend?

Kid?

Well, I don't know, dad, what whatever you want to do? Because I know you're just not going to not do nothing? Well, no, what do you want to go do? You know? And it's still a constant fight, you know, of because she never had choice. She was raised so so sheltered with her mom and her mom's mom. You know, it was like, how are you fourteen years old and you don't know what you want to do? It's Saturday, you know, Like you want to go swimming, you wanna go hiking? Like

A healthier choice, and.

Trying to guide her through that, you know, And it's a learning process because I was raised by a totally different choice outlook on life.

You know, yeah, not that you have to raise your daughter saying but then you know, still that's what you knew and that's how you were shown. And then having to catch yourself in those moments where you're like, maybe I didn't handle that better, you know, al right, yeah I.

Could have handled that.

And like you said about gonna yell at her about not knowing how to shovel, then you realize, well, how can I yelled her about not knowing how to shovel when I haven't shown her how to shovel?

Yep, you know, she was never taught, And so how can you all lot someone when they were never taught? You know, we're taught on a consistent basis. You know, maybe I did show her one time, but who's to say how long it was before she was able to do anything? Because at her mom's house, she didn't have chores to do. They did everything. We chose not to do certain things in life, like clean their house. But whatever,

And I'm sure her wife will appreciate that one or partner or whatever.

Yeah, her partner, because her husband, you don't know anymore. Obviously, I'm just glad she's not a furry and trying to use a letter box.

Excited with the button.

Yeah, sometimes they assume all black people are from African America.

Oh oh yeah, thanks Ms Smoker.

Adam Stevens.

He celebrated some clean time recently.

Three years.

Congratulations due so prompts to Adam and he came by their actually got him a coin because I knew Adam is busy and I knew he wasn't gonna go get himself a coin, right, So it was like one of those things where it was like, I'm go get Adam a coin because I know he's not gonna get one, and then I'll give it to him. And he came by and he wanted to say this dude.

That my son was God Like. They're like, he she shouldn't have happened like it. I don't know how, you know what I mean, like, but.

It makes sense. That makes perfect sense.

Yeah, thanks for coming by to leave that message for everybody listening now.

But Adam did get.

His three years and it was pretty cool to be able to give him that coin. I was his mentor last time I went through treatment and took him a couple more times. Sorry, but nah, he uh, he's turned it around. And I'm really really proud of Adam. And you know, he used to work here at two seventeen Recovery. Now he works for organization that's kind of close to us, and it's good to see him doing something that he really likes. And he's doing a really good job at it too.

He is. I hear a lot of good reviews about Adam. Yeah, and his job and how he manages things, and he does just fly off the handle and he's really level headed, giving keel and like, I don't think I've ever seen Adam man I have, well, you've known him a lot longer than me.

Yeah, I want to play some uker.

I don't want to play no, Sorry, dude, I just thought you were just sitting over here by yourself.

I thought you'd kind of join us to play some uker.

But okay, you know, it's funny to talk to my brother last week in jail. He was like, yeah, I'm sitting in here playing some muker. I'm like, you got enough white people in yourself. What I was like, normally it's spades, you know, And he was like nope, Uker.

I'm like, oh, his email is justin at two seventeen recovery dot com. If you want to send him a little email, say say hi. If Adam would have played your he would have had a good time. But instead, the next day, I'm just going to go right over your conversation there. And the next day they're like, hey, you got a person that you got a mentor. I'm like who, They're like that guy. I was like, oh, the dude that yelled at me. I was like, great, great,

And big cops him. Also said I was going to give Jim.

Jim runs a meeting at the two seventeen Recovery Center Thursdays at three thirty called boot Ability. Yeah, and it's kind of dharma based, and there were three people that came to his meeting yesterday and.

He was kind of.

Taken back by it, I think, But anyway, I told them I will give him a shout out.

Yeah, he's actually a good, friendly guy.

Yeah, so there's your shout out.

Jim she said, Oh, don't mention me, but he's enjoying our videos that we post at to seventeen recovery dot com for recovery story.

So that's pretty cool.

And and thanks to months and two for help and sponsor the media for that. Yeah, you know, the videos next time are going to look even better. I can't wait, I know, because like two of the cameras are older, but then the one camera we already had, so then you know, now to add another camera to that.

It'll looks so much. Eight more cameras to go.

Just kidding, but no, next recovery stories in February will look amazing. And do we ask the people yet?

I don't think so.

On time we were.

To have people suggested, Paul Box said he would be there, so I'll want to throw his name out there. And he actually works for some favor of health. He's recovery coach and runs their recovery coach department. I believe in Jay Burton is the guy we I don't know if we've asked him.

Yet, no, but I think he would be a really good fit.

Oh absolutely would Yeah, I think he'd do great, so, but I just don't know if he's been axed. Yeah, but that's why I'll throw his name out there as a hostile person that's going to do the messages of hope. And then I don't know, we'll see about the stories then who's going to do those? But yeah, February twentieth is when I'm kind of ballparking that one.

The twentieth after two seventeen seventeenth.

It's a Monday, and you know, I got time for that. Like you should have learned from the movie the other day. We had the movie that we showed. It was on a Tuesday at seven o'clock. Come on, I mean, it's tough to get people there, you know, but Thursday is a lot easier. And just we've done Thursdays in the past. Why why rock the boat?

You know?

Anyway, you have to get out of here, and so do I.

So thank you justin for joining me on the podcast today, and I hope you have a great weekend the rest of your day.

Yeah, I hope you have a great weekend too.

Thanks for listening. Let's talk to you next time later. Thanks for listening to the two seventeen Recovery podcast.

Listen to over nine hundred episodes on the two seventeen recovery app that's free in your app store or online at two seventeen recovery dot com.