Southern California has two seasons, bone dry and flooding rain. During the dry season you can go out of the house any time of the day or night and never have to worry about checking the weather at all. When it rains, however, the National Weather service should not only issue an emergency alert that all of a sudden nobody remembers how to drive, but also to be aware that it's wash day for the homeless river lady. When wash day comes, everything gets washed...even if she's wearing it already.
Mar 20, 2011•14 min
The average human passes gas at least 14 times every single day. Gas is a just a natural part of the digestion process and everyone does it. Still...you can rest assured that stinkiest toot you'll do each day will occur at the most inappropriate time possible. If it's not in the middle of the meeting with your boss, it will be right at the moment the new girl you just met goes down on you for the first (and possibly the last) time.
Mar 16, 2011•14 min
Getting a Brazilian is not just about looking good in a bikini this summer. It's also a good way to help save money during the recession. With a Brazilian you'll need less toilet paper every time you go to the bathroom, which means you can not only buy less toilet paper overall, but you can also buy the single-ply as well. Just think about how many napkins a man with a mustache needs every time he eats...same concept.
Mar 13, 2011•20 min
Just a reminder...the country is on Orange Alert. We're going to stay on Orange Alert just to make sure that you continue to live in a constant state of low level fear paranoia and chronic agitation. If you see something suspicious, such as an abandoned backpack on the street, take immediate action. Call your friend that's a cop so that they can tell you exactly what to do next in that situation...call 911.
Mar 09, 2011•16 min
Some people are naturally more sensitive than others. There are those that cry when they see a sad movie. Others are moved by a missing pet getting reunited with an owner. Still others tear up when an 80 year old grandmother comes out to explain how much she loves and appreciates her Gay son. Finally, there are the kind of people that feel the need to write negative comments on the Web because this show wasted 10 minutes of their life.
Mar 06, 2011•11 min
College today is so different today from way back in the day. Now instead of having a Chess Club to join for a little extracurricular fun, you have the Slut Club. At least you'll get an education in things that you can use. Everyone needs to learn how to have multiple orgasms, G-spot orgasms and how to do a little B and D the right way. You may as well get something useful out of that college education your parents are spending good money on.
Feb 27, 2011•15 min
Everyone should know the joy of owning a toy box. Having a toy box as an adult, however, comes with the same exact responsibilities that you had a as a kid. When you're done playing with your toys you need to clean them up and put them away where they belong. Nobody likes to come home after a long day at work to see a lube-soaked dildo drying out on the kitchen counter.
Feb 20, 2011•16 min
Most people traveling by air these days will do anything to avoid extra charges for luggage, onboard food and anything else that might be considered civilized....even leg room. Instead we'll all pack and stuff our onboard bags so full that even if you had to buy a box of tampons the only way you could get them on the plane is to shove them all inside yourself at once.
Feb 16, 2011•18 min
It used to be that going to the theater was a family friendly activity that everyone in the family could enjoy together. You'd take in a show with lions happily singing that get shot by hunters so that the babies have to live as orphans, or a show where everyone is a junkie, lives in sqalor and dies of AIDS. Now when you go the show all you get is straight men's junk parading around on stage, someone's naked but pumping up and down screwing some girl, and the horrified looks of young children th...
Feb 13, 2011•14 min
For some people it's important that the carpeting hides the nasty stains on the floor. For Lesbians it's important that the carpet matches the drapes. But for others, it's only important that your ass doesn't hurt every time you walk across the floor when you remember the screwing you got from the person that sold you the carpet in the first place.
Feb 06, 2011•13 min
Facebook is a like a pretty girl you see on the street. She looks all clean and nice at first, but when you get her home you wind up with an itchy, scratchy disease a few days later. All of a sudden friends you no longer want to know start propagating on your page like venereal warts, your belly needs flattening, your teeth need whitening and you can get insurance for seniors at a really good price.
Feb 02, 2011•13 min
Selling your old junk on Craiglist may not really be as lucrative as it first seems. Once you take into account the extra insurance you have to take out on your wife that's meeting all the weirdos and then divide the rest of the money you make by the number of hours you have to spend talking to the stalker in you house and cooking him dinner, your hourly wage only comes out to about 50 cents an hour.
Jan 30, 2011•16 min
Some things you expect to be dirty. The subway toilet, a dog's ass, the sewer at the end of your block and the bottom of your shoes. The things you don't expect to be filthy are produce at the grocery store, ATM keypads and the waiter's hands at your favorite restaurant. What you really don't expect is to find a tampon in your bag of fries when go out to eat.
Jan 26, 2011•11 min
Be careful what you offer to do for a friend just to be nice. There may come a day when you have to make good on that promise, and you might just run out of friends to offer up and throw under the bus in your place. The real test will be when it comes down to the last minute and it looks you may just have to go to the theater to see the live dancing show. At that point do you suck it up and go, or do you get a last minute case of the runs so bad that you can't even leave the house?
Jan 23, 2011•18 min
There was a time when you could find a doctor to cure your various STD's on the down low without letting your wife or partner in on your little secret. Today we need computer technicians that can do the same thing. Every once in while you need to find someone that can carefully clean all the viruses and nasty infections off your computer without letting the new girl you're dating know anything about it. All gone.
Jan 19, 2011•15 min
We've said it before, but good advice always bears repeating. It doesn't matter if you have one vibrator or two. Everyone needs to have that one good friend that knows exactly what to do in case of an emergency. If something unexpected were to happen to you, they will simply race over to your house, collect up all your sex toys and secretly take them away to where they can't be found. Your mom will never even know they were there.
Jan 16, 2011•12 min
Listen up, straight people. Just because you figured out that Jodie Foster is a Lesbian does not mean you have Gaydar. Even if your best friend is Gay, this does not mean you gain Gaydar by osmosis. This is a special super power that only Gay People are endowed with. No, George Clooney is not Gay, either.
Jan 10, 2011•12 min
It's bad enough when Americans travel to other countries acting rudely and embarrassing every one of us living in this fine country. Now it's gotten so bad you can't even take Americans out of their own neighborhood before they start behaving badly. The best advice there is for Americans that want to leave their homes is simply to stay inside, sit on the couch and don't eat anything that doesn't taste like chicken.
Jan 05, 2011•16 min
Not everyone was brought up with good manners. Some people don't know that it's appropriate to tip the mail carrier and the gardener during the holidays. They don't know to hold a door open for a lady. And, they are absolutely clueless when it comes to dropping a twenty down on the table after the nice lady in airport security gives you a full body pat down.
Jan 02, 2011•16 min
There are two important rules that should be followed when using tools. The first is to always use the right tool for the job. The second is to always wear safety glasses. You never know when a little piece of plastic from the store's theft control security tag will pop up and hit you in the eye.
Dec 25, 2010•12 min
Taking a long trip to some place new always seems like a good idea at the time...until you start looking at the news. It's only then that you're confronted with the reality that other cities have bed bug infestations, serial killers and inhuman weather conditions. Perhaps it's best to simply stay at home for the holidays.
Dec 22, 2010•8 min
Going for a massage is the same as having sex with your partner. It's important to have a good line of communication going throughout the entire experience where you talk to each other about what feels good and what's too much. In either case there's a possibility that you could wind up with a hand up your ass going for a deep tissue massage if you just lay there quietly like a dead fish not saying anything.
Dec 19, 2010•14 min
There are some things that guys will never ever have to worry about. They never have to think about wearing white pants in case they get their period early. They never have to worry about the weight of their suitcase going over the weight limit at the airport because they had to pack extra tampons and pads, and they never have to worry about the outline of a super-sized tampon getting rubbed into the back pocket of their jeans.
Dec 16, 2010•10 min
Landmines used to be the affectionate name to call piles of dog crap in the backyard that needed to be cleaned up before the gardeners showed up. Then came Jersey Shore, which taught us that landmines were simply ugly chicks to avoid in a bar. Now we're back to land mines really being a danger for the gardeners, except this time a gardener really did get blown up.
Dec 12, 2010•12 min
The holidays are a time for joy and good tidings. It's the time of year to see your good friends, spread some holiday cheer and appreciate all that is good in your life. It's also the time of year to forge your wife's name on Christmas cards, to lie about what's in the packages you're sending through the mail at the Post Office, and the time of year that you hope the sexy UPS girl shows up at your door with boxes full of fun gifts for you.
Dec 09, 2010•12 min
Telling people that it's unhealthy to smoke, showing them ads of smokers talking through a hole in their neck or putting scary warning labels on packs of cigarettes doesn't seem to make a discernible difference in anyone's willingness to light up on a regular basis. The only way to really get people to stop smoking is to raise the price to $50 per pack and to have a case of dynamite explode in their ass every time they light up.
Dec 05, 2010•12 min
It's hard work keeping the country safe from evil. That's why we all have to step up and do our parts if we're going to succeed. If that means going through a full body scanner at the airport, showing up in a Speedo with a nut hanging out, or letting Roxanne's mom listen to this show...we just have to suck it up and do what we have to do.
Dec 01, 2010•11 min
Sometimes being a good partner simply means putting your own needs aside while you hold your partner's hand to help them through a scary or tough part of their life. It can be a gesture so simple as sitting calmly beside them talking about how hot Rhianna and Beyonce are while your partner is skidding down a treacherous snowy mountain about to careen off a cliff to her death. You can at least leave her with happy thoughts as she goes.
Nov 28, 2010•11 min
There's nothing wrong with looking in the local sex rag for some companionship and love for an evening. Just be sure to read the description carefully. When Sexy Natasha calls herself 36-24-36 and adds and extra 9" at the end...she may be bringing some extra parts that you were not expecting. At that point you can just roll up the newspaper and stuff it in your shoes and jacket to stay warm all by yourself instead.
Nov 25, 2010•14 min
Fifteen feet of fresh snow, freezing temperatures and gale force winds...dressed only in a short sleeved t-shirt, sneakers and a fleece. The unrelenting winter weather is no match for four Lesbians on vacation up in the mountains armed only with an economy rental car, a refrigerator full of beer and a snowblower from before World War II. We can win this even if we have to stay through Thanksgiving deep frying a turkey out in a blizzard.
Nov 20, 2010•12 min
