The next time you feel like someone needs to die because their car alarm starts going off incessantly all night long, you may want to consider the circumstances. If the real reason they can't get up to turn it off at that exact moment is that they're simply in bed with some hot chick getting laid, then maybe you can have a little more sympathy. After all, would you even want to get up to answer the phone?
The patient may be on the table, slit open with her guts hanging out...but that doesn't necessarily mean that it's over. We can rebuild her, make her better than before, stronger, faster... Wait a minute, we're not talking about the Bionic Woman here. The computer is on the fritz and we're putting her back together. It's just that it would be so much easier if we could tell her to take a pill and call us in the morning.
These days you just never really know where evil might be lurking, so you have to be vigilant at all times. Even if you've only stepped out to vote it's important not to let your guard down because the sweet little old lady that showed up to cast her vote that day may decide to fly her freak flag when she finds out that the number of voting booths for Democrats is larger than those for the Republicans. Call for backup.
Nicknames are all fun and games until someone gets them all mixed up and calls one girlfriend by the other one's name...all in front of the third one that the first one is having an affair with. If people would just stop naming their daughters who will eventually grow up to be Lesbians by the name of Sue...none of this would be a problem. Then we wouldn't need nicknames such as Finger, Moaner, Lips or Tweaker.
It's good to have a Cinderella around the house. Not the kind that stays up partying until midnight, loses her shoe and then falls in love with some guy she just met. Instead you want the kind that stays home, cleans the house, scrubs the floor, does the dishes and takes care of all the chores. You want a Cinderella that can be your own personal bitch.
It's probably a good idea that Gay people are not allowed to get married and legally adopt in some states. Otherwise, they would be doing outrageous things such as selling their babies on Craig's List, putting their kids up for adoption on E-Bay or worst of all, they might even want to marry their pets. The worst part about it is...then they would be just like straight people.
Damn...you thought this show was going to be about something else! Seriously, if big cities would simply install poles that dispense plastic bags the same way they do at some dog parks, then when you're downtown and you have to take a crap...you can just grab a bag and pick it up yourself. Wouldn't that make everything a whole lot nicer?
Sometimes it's hard to know exactly what to do in a difficult situation. You're not sure what the right course of action migh be or how it will affect your future. You stress about it, turn it over and over in your mind and still you can't figure out what would be the right thing to do. So, you think about someone you admire and respect and what they would do in the same situation...and then you do the exact opposite.
Every day is a new Gay. It seems that every time we listen to the news or open a newspaper we hear about a new celebrity coming out of the closet. Some are a complete surprise, some we're happy to have on our side, and others we wind up scratching our head thinking, "what took you so long?" Then there are those that don't even need to bother announcing themselves. Barry Manilow.
The key to true happiness is in finding something that you not only enjoy, but something that you're good at and that you can make a good living doing. If you try hard enough and you really put your mind to it, you'll be able to find that one thing that makes you feel completely fulfilled....even if your true love is trimming bushes into mullets and adding extensions to pubic hair.
For all those special Lesbians in your life, there's one gift that keeps on giving month after month. It's educational, entertaining and fun. You might even increase your vocabulary with all the fabulous articles you'll read in every issue. The best part about it is that a full year subscription to "Playboy" will cost you less than $20 per year. A veritable bargain.
Dating would be so much easier if everyone would simply pick up a package of "Hello My Name Is..." stickers and add all the attributes their future exes need to know. Would it kill you to just let everyone know up front that you're a stalker, that you're clingy and smothering, that you like sex on the first date, that you have mother issues or crazy exes still in your life? If you give great orgasms...don't forget to add that helpful piece of info, too.
It's Pride season once again and it's time to get out and celebrate. Break out those penis maracas, the electrical tape for your nipples and every bit of rainbow paraphernalia you can find. Take your half-naked ass over to your local Gay Pride event and don't leave until you've gotten your fill of the the Mojito pole dancers, or at least the phone number of your local neighborhood porn star.
What if it were really true? What if General Naduka really does have $16.1000 billion dollars from your dead relatives in Nigeria that you've never met, but that were killed in a wretched car accident three years ago? What if the good General has been looking for you..the sole living relative...for the past three years? Was that a unicorn that just flew by?
It doesn't matter how hot she is or how much you're in love with her. It doesn't matter if that man she's with is no good for her. That straight girl best friend of yours is off limits! The only thing that can come of it is to have one less friend...and an addiction to "General Hospital" that may last you the rest of your life. Of course, if she touches you first...then it's on.
There's a place where 1 out of 10 people are straight, the principal and most of the teachers at the school are Lesbians, and straight people are allowed to get married, but not divorced. The only problem is that every one of the Lesbians is an ex of everyone else's current wife, and all the kids have multiple mommies and step-mommies. It's also the new location for MTV's "Dykesey Shore".
It's a beautiful feeling to be a free-shitter. Someone that can take a dump no matter where they are. They can be on vacation, at work, at a friend's house or even out shopping. If the urge comes over them there is nothing stopping them from pinching a loaf wherever they are. Until one day when divine retribution finally comes calling...and their world is forever changed...
When someone asks you what ethnicity you are, what they really want is where you and and your relatives are from originally. They don't want to hear that you've had some Italian in you because you slept with some hot Italian chick that put her fingers or tongue inside you. Of course, when you ask your parents that question, you don't want to hear that you're from somewhere other than where they've been telling you for your whole life up until now either.
There is a certain protocol to taking the red-eye when you fly at night. After going through the obligatory safety speech the flight attendants ask everyone to pull down their window shades and dim the lights so that everyone can sleep. Despite all the relevant clues...there's always bound to be some dimwit that continues to stay up chatting and laughing loudly all night long. You sit there getting more and more annoyed...until you realize that person is with you.
Just because you like plain vanilla sex, it doesn't mean that everyone is content with the same old thing night after night. Some people might actually get a thrill out of someone squatting over them in the middle of the night ready to take a hot steaming dump right on their chest. Who are you to judge?
After you've finally admitted that you do have a problem there's another often overlooked step towards getting your life back on track - that's actually wanting to do something about it. What most people don't realize is that cussing is the gateway to other bad behaviors, such as bullying people, tossing high school girls into gym lockers and flipping off old ladies in traffic.
You're an almost 60-year old lady...unmarried...attractive...wealthy...and you've just kicked your boyfriend out of the house to instead move your soulmate, best friend in...and you're not a Lesbian. Really?
This is not your grandmothers game of Bingo. There are no lucky charms, no magic troll heads or any other OCD rituals in an attempt to make the next ball be the winning one for you. Instead you have campy, biting queens, a gaggle of straight women at a bridal shower and tweaker waiters. The one thing that does remain the same, however, is that when the bill comes to the table, somehow you still wind up $40 short after everyone puts in their money.
When you really want to get some in-depth, accurate information on a subject the best person to consult is an expert. Ideally, you'll find someone that has a degree in the subject, someone that has studied it extensively or even someone that has personal experience in the matter. If for some reason you wanted to know all about penises, the last person you'd want to consult is a Lesbian, much less a Gold Star Lesbian.
Remember when you were young and your mother told you to never talk to strangers? Now that you're older...nothing's changed. That's still good advice to live by. Otherwise, you may find yourself with a 90-year old schizophrenic stalker that programmed her phone number into your cell phone calling you every night at 2:00am crying.
Dinah Shore weekend can be a life-changing experience. Twenty thousand women descend on Palm Springs for a weekend of partying by the pool, lying naked in sun and cheating on their girlfriend. Others show up to see their favorite golfers in action, but leave realizing they really like naked women with fake breasts instead.
Just because you're a big ol' Homo it doesn't mean that you can't have straight friends. Once you open your mind and get to know some straight people you'll realize they're just like us. They drive regular cars, they show up at Weight Watchers and they pick the toe fungus out of their toenails just like everyone else.
Older and more mature Lesbians have a lot of experience and knowledge to pass on to today's younger generation of LGBT youth. It's time we reached out to support the younger generations that are just coming out of the closet and are trying to find their way around in a predominantly straight world. Just remember that there are boundaries, and when we say "reach out", we don't necessarily mean that literally...pedophile.
Taking a plane anywhere today can be fraught with perils. You may get stuck on the tarmac for sixteen hours, you might get a blanket with head lice in it, you might be sitting on a seat with bedbugs or you might be sitting next to someone that brought a tuna fish sandwich on board. With all that to worry about, at least you don't have to worry about the horror of being served airplane food any longer.
It's never too early to give your kids a good education about what it will be like to enter the working world. If you're a 911 operator, an air traffic controller, or a semi-truck driver, there's no better time to get your kid acquainted with what you do every day at work. So, put them right behind the wheel, let them land planes and let them take the next emergency call to deliver a baby.
