S22EP05: What are your metrics for success?

Welcome to One Insight. My name is Rich Litvin. I grew up in London and I now live in LA. And this is a podcast for extraordinary top performers and their coaches. You see, I've coached some of the most successful and talented people on the planet. I can see what most people cannot see, and I dare to say what most people wouldn't dare to say.

And what I know about success is that on the other side of it, it can be incredibly lonely. You can feel more of an imposter the more successful you become. And when you're the most interesting person in the room, you're actually in the wrong room. Clients who are more successful, more intelligent, and wealthier than you need your support more than they know and more than you can imagine. I coach around Insight.

Life looks one way. Something happens and the world looks different and your entire world changes. It could happen in an instant. Yeah. And this podcast is called One Insight, because a single insight can change everything. In this season of my podcast, I'm going to share with you some of the interviews that I've done with some of the most fascinating people I know on their podcast.

And I'm also going to share with you some of the most popular episodes of this podcast again. And I have an invitation for you. You see, most people listen for agreement. I like this. I don't like that. I invite you to listen to these episodes for insight, not agreement. You see, then you can listen to an episode you've heard before, and instead of dismissing it of I know this one, I've heard this one.

You can listen for a distinction that you didn't hear the first time around. You can listen for an insight that you could have missed the first time you listened to it. Enjoy. I'm looking for a new car right now and I drove a Porsche Panamera the other day and I noticed the dials are very different to the dials on my car right now. And then they took a Tesla out and the dial's different again.

We tend not to pay attention to the dials in our life, but we pay attention to the dials in our vehicle. We know when to look at the Uh the check engine light comes on and we realize, oh, I need to call someone up to get a service. The the the brake lights come on, the uh the oil light comes on, the tire pressure gauge comes on.

I got a speeding ticket the other day'cause I wasn't paying attention, I went too fast. We know to pay attention to those dials in our car, but we don't pay attention to the dials in our life. Today you're gonna hear me working with A woman who's a consultant and a a a coach who realizes she's up leveling and feels this tension between who she wants to be and who she is. And what I tell her is that you need to up level your gauges, your dials, so you can see who you are.

I hope it creates some new metrics for success. And I hope as you listen in you can work out, okay, are those good ones for me or what would my next metric for success be?

Hey Rich. Hey, I have a question for you. What's one question you could ask me, the answer to which could change everything? Well that stopped you and your tracks, didn't it? It's a big question. Mm-hmm. That's one question, the answer to which can change everything. And you can pick an area of your life, can be your business, your your your life. Um Well, this is the one that's most present to me right now.

How do I learn how to manage the tension between My perception of where I think I am, or who I think uh I am, and the vision. of who I am becoming. And there's a there's a tension in there. Mm-hmm. Uh sometimes I feel it so very strongly of uh

I know the kind of person I want to be. A lot of those things I have embodied, I do know that. There are some things that I um and these probably are connected to my business life where that person and I'm just in the tension area of trying to figure out how to how to manage that until I have a sense. that I'm I'm in that space. Well let let's find out. Tell me this person you want to be, tell me about her. This person uh of trusting herself.

Trusting her decisions and being a person who makes decisions. Um knowing that she can handle whatever is on the other side of it. Um This person Every day, maybe that's too much to ask, but every day steps fully into. The reality that the work that she does and the person she is is a catalyst for change in this world for good. And steps into that moment every day. And let's just check in. Yeah. Every day?

I mean, y you wanna have any days in the future where you can lie on a beach and drink cocktails and not have to be a catalyst for change? Oh, that sounds amazing. No, I want those days. But even then, even then Rich. Like Even if I'm sitting on the beach, I just I wanna I wanna know that I'm full. And have a sense of it, you know. Well, how will you know?

If I get in my car, I I look at some gauges that tell me if I've got enough gas to get to where I'm going, if the tire pressure needs to be changed. If the o oil needs to be changed, I I have some warning lights and I have some gauges I look at. How will you know? 'Cause I think you're right, the problem is, as you keep growing, you keep rising up, but our mindsets can somehow stay back there where we were many years, many decades earlier.

I I still wake up sometimes and I I think, when will I feel like a grown-up? When would that happen? When would I actually feel like a grown-up? I've I've got um my oldest is ten years old right now, and I remember my kids are getting to an age where I remember being their age. When they were younger, I didn't remember that age, but now I remember being that age, the thoughts and the fears and doubts. And it and some of that is still present in me. How will you not?

I'm not sure I've defined that. and at times I wonder if that's I'm the one adding to the tension. that I talked about earlier. Um, you know, it in f so for just me as a person, I know that you know, I I want to be and I I am a kind person, right? Uh a a generous person, a peaceful person, a loving person. And I can see that. In who I am. I can see that in my interactions with people and my intentions. I can see that.

Some of these uh some of these other things that I've mentioned, I'm not sure I've defined that. Um And I think that's nothing else. We were looking in the right direction then, right? If you haven't defined them, then how will you know? You'll never know. You'll always have this sense always have a sense of I'm not there yet. Like the kids in the back of the car. Am I there yet, mommy? Am I there yet, mommy? You'll never get there. The trouble with the horizon is you never get to it.

So let's define this. How would you know if you trusted yourself and trusted your decisions? What would tell what would you see, what would you hear, what would you feel that would tell you Oh. Trust myself and I trust my decision. To trust myself that I would move and take action on the stirrings that I feel inside of me. uh be be practicing talking myself into it instead of talking myself out of things.

Um if I could mark that practice and be able to see that I'm doing that more times than not, I think that could be an indicator. Wait, just pause there. Listen, just take one at a time. Yeah. So if for the next ninety days, before you went to bed, you checked in and said What stirrings did I have inside of me today? And where did I act on them? If you did that every day for ninety days, your world would transform.

At the beginning you probably wouldn't know I didn't have any stirrings today. But as you begin to pay attention you'd realise, Oh, I had this kind of flickering sensation here. There was this feeling in my body here. Oh, there are some starings. And as time goes on, do this for 90 days. Oh, today I felt the staring inside of me and I put an item on my to-do list because of it. Boom. Yes. Yes.

Yes, that is that is doable and makes sense. And then I can get rid of this old story that's that that's not who I am anymore. That's not who I am. Because I've evidence.

So we're creating the metrics for your success into the future. So let me ask you this next question. How will you know if you're a person who makes decisions and knows she can handle whatever's on the other side? This answer is twofold, I think. Uh one being I actually a question you you asked me on a a call that we had once. 'Cause I think I'd brought up uh And I had a fear of not knowing enough and making a decision that where I couldn't recover from it. That was a Really long story.

And I think I I remember I'm I'll mess up your wording, but basically you said so When are the times that you haven't been able to recover? I have an answer for that. 'Cause here I am right here. So first being able to s take the time. To look back. And really consider. decisions that I've made or even it's from small to big, whatever. Even if there were decisions that I didn't like the outcome. to see that I was creative enough I'm present enough to figure it out.

And then I didn't die. So that that's That's one thing for sure. Get yourself a beautiful journal that you love writing in and calling it your decision book. And what you do is twofold. One, start to l review the past. What decisions did I make in my life? Like go back to the beginning, you know, which college should I go to? Uh uh w who should I date? And go back through all the decisions in your life and review them. And then start making a book that also runs from the present moment.

And each time you make a decision, put it in the decision book, knowing that now you'll be able to go back to it later. I'm gonna take on this new client. I'm gonna take on a new gig for a different company. Put them in the decision book and track them and see, oh yeah, that was a dream client. Oh my god, that was a nightmare client. What did I miss? So a decision book I think will be a really valuable tool for you.

I know you're writing. Yeah. That that brings me a lot of joy. it it it it brings back a memory for me. Uh so I've been fulltime coaching for three years. Uh but coaching all my life. uh but when I worked my uh my job Um I remember when I knew it was time for me to go after twenty years of doing what I was doing.

and I was nervous and I was afraid and I'd never worked for myself and had nobody in my family had ever worked for themselves, you know, uh but none of that. And there was a point where I I had realized when I just kept thinking about all the things that could go wrong. You know, and all the all the things that were cluttering my mind. And at some point I said, okay, I can't I can't do this anymore. I I need to figure out what what is it that I'm afraid of.

And so I I did this thing in my journal where on one side of the paper I wrote, What am I afraid of? and tried to name as much as possible. And on the other side I did, you know, what what is actually true? And I use this with my clients now too in the work, but that was such a turning point for me because, you know, I'm a head centered person for the most part, but I could look at it on paper. and and say this is what is. This is actually what Uh and not that all my fear went away.

But I certainly started to uh find my courage a bit more to make the change. But let's catch something. Carry courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is being afraid and doing what you want to do or what you need to do even though you feel afraid. So it's not that we're trying to get rid of fear for you, it's that you step a little bit more into courage each day. Yeah, and and the truth and the honesty of what was actually true. Mm-hmm. Um really started to stoke courage.

Us are like little kids who draw a monster on a piece of paper and then look at the piece of paper and go, ah, there's a monster. And and that's what we do. But look, I did the mathematics yesterday, in fact I'm studying f writing for an article about this. We have about ten thousand ancestors, if you go back to the earliest humans. For every one of those ten thousand ancestors, maybe not some of our parents, maybe some of us were fortunate to have grandparents who didn't have to feel this way.

M most of those ten thousand generations of our ancestors were afraid. They lived in poverty. They had no resources. They lived in scarcity. They were afraid of their life. If they got a scratch, they might die. So we have ten thousand generations before us who are deeply fearful people. No wonder we've embodied it. There are people on this planet to this day who are afraid of their life on a regular basis. So it makes sense that we go to that clench moment of fear.

And one of the ways you can deal with that, like you say, is to write down on a piece of paper, what am I afraid of? And how true is this? Yeah, you never well I don't always have a sense of the connection to the people that have gone before me. Um some of that's part of my own story. even just as you say it, it just makes so much sense.

um of, you know, we all have things that are passed down to us, right? And that being passed down to not look at it as, oh, I either I shouldn't feel that way, whatever that way is, or shouldn't do whatever, but like it just is. It's part of our existence, right? As humans.

So so that's a great exercise too. Here's another tool. The shoulds. What are my shoulds? Do right do a writing exercise. What are my shoulds? Well, my mother had done this by the time she was my age. My grandmother told me you should do this.

In in my cultural background, you should do this or you should not do that. In my religion, you shouldn't do this, you should do this. Where I live in my community, in in in my country. Uh I mean there are so many shoulds at different levels that we don't stop to look at. And so most of us are living other people's lives. Yeah. Ask yourself that question every evening. Where was I a catalyst for change today?

And so look, you know, you were saying to me earlier when I was coughing, Oh Rich, take your time, don't worry about it. Well the same goes for you, Nikki. Take your time, don't worry about it. You don't have to be a catalyst for change every day. You can sit on the beach drinking cocktails and not have to go, well, is it okay because I was a catalyst for change? You know what? I just want a cocktail today. Yes. Yes. Thanks for that. Thanks for playing with me, Nikki.

Thanks for the opportunity, Rich. Yeah, you've got you've begun to map out your metrics for success and the next time we talk about this, w come back to me and let's review them. Let's give me a check-in. Ninety days at least, but come back and say, Hey, I've been keeping an eye on Just the way you do in your car, you keep an eye. Does that check engine light go on? Does the oil light go on? Does the tire pressure gauge go low?

These things? Did I go? I got a ticket for speeding the other day sitting on my desk because I wasn't paying attention and I drive too fast. We don't pay attention to our dials, staff hangs. You got some new dials you just upgraded. Pay attention to the dials. For most of human history. It wasn't cold.