S22EP02: Provocative Questions for High Performers

Welcome to One Insight. My name is Rich Litvin. I grew up in London and I now live in LA. And this is a podcast for extraordinary top performers and their coaches. You see, I've coached some of the most successful and talented people on the planet. I can see what most people cannot see, and I dare to say what most people wouldn't dare to say.

And what I know about success is that on the other side of it, it can be incredibly lonely. You can feel more of an imposter the more successful you become. And when you're the most interesting person in the room, you're actually in the wrong room. Clients who are more successful, more intelligent, and wealthier than you need your support more than they know and more than you can imagine. I coach around insight. Life looks one way, something happens, and the world looks different.

And your entire world changes. It can happen in an instant. And this podcast is called One Insight, because a single insight can change everything. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for joining us for this year's WBEX 2015 Summit event. Today we have an incredible session planned for you. This year for the full summit, we are doing things a little differently in that we want to really focus in on your practical application of the learning from the sessions.

We want this to go beyond an interesting session and really help you to implement what you're learning here in your practice. Just like with the pre-summit, we encourage you to post your top learning, your questions, and your comments. But for your learning purposes, not be passive about it, but actually implement your learning with your client. And so the way that we have set this up for you is through an exclusive private LinkedIn group.

And you can find this at wbax.com forward slash fully engaged. That's WBECS dot com forward slash fully engaged. So let's go ahead and get today's session started. Rich Litfin is an expert at taking high achievers to the greatest levels of success. He has coached Olympic athletes, presidential candidates. Hollywood film directors, British special forces operatives, millionaires and finance professionals managing over one hundred billion dollars of assets.

His clients are by invitation and referral only. Rich leads a community of coaches who are the top four percent in their field. He is co-author of The Prosperous Coach and a member of the Association of Transformational Leaders. He is the founder of the Confident Women's Salon and the High Achieving Introvert Project. He has lived and worked in eight countries on four continents. Born in England, he still has an adorable British accent. I can attest to this.

Time between Los Angeles and London. Rich, thank you so much for being here. I'm going to turn it over to you. Thanks, Kiva. Well i the accent's not so adorable if people are listening from Britain. Um be sounding just like my my colleagues over there. But thanks thanks for the intro. Uh I I know you got tongue tied over it and and me too, when I think back to the people I've worked with over the last few years, sometimes it it it it astounds me. The way I describe what I do these days

I say if you're the kind of person who needs a coach, then I'm not for you. Because my clients are the kind of people who don't need a coach. They are extremely high performance. They're doing extraordinary things in their world. They've I've worked with presidential candidates, I've worked with Olympic athletes and And anything in between. And It's really fun for me to sit down with somebody from this place of not only Coming from on the inside over here that I think they don't need help?

But from knowing they don't need help. I I think too often coaching is seen as remedial. It's like you show up when you have a problem. And even my clients that I have to almost train them out of it, they'll they'll show up and say You know what, I'm I'm good today. I haven't got a problem. There's no I haven't got anything to talk about.

Which always makes me smile'cause I'll say that's great. We don't have to talk about a problem. We don't have to talk about a challenge. Let's see what else is going on in your life. Let's just have a conversation. Because from that place, it's surprising what can get what can actually be created.

So let me give some context for today. We're calling the session Provocative Questions for High Performance. And in the background I'll run some slides, there's some images from uh the book I wrote for coaches, there's some quotes from the book. Um they'll just run through in the background um and and the context I have for today. Everything you've done that's made you as successful as you are today is actually holding you back from your next level of success.

Everything you've done that's created the success you have today is holding you back from your next level of success. I'll give you a couple of examples of this stories that that that are are close to me right now. I read an interview recently with Reed Hoffman. He's the co founder of LinkedIn, he's an entrepreneur, venture capitalist. He's got a net worth of four point seven billion dollars.

And the interviewer in the New York Times, uh at the end of the interview, she she noted that he said, I'm functioning at sixty percent capacity. But she didn't understand what it means to be a high performer. You see, she wrote Even the hyperkinetic mister Hoffman conceded that he could use a break, at least a small one. But that's what that was not what he was saying.

He's one of the most high performing people on the planet, and he feels on the inside he's only performing and only functioning at sixty percent capacity. He wasn't craving a break. This was a clue to one of the secret thoughts deep down inside many high achievers. Because as a high achiever, your life and your achievements can appear brilliant to most people, do appear brilliant to most people in your world.

And yet you have a sensation that deep down so much more is possible. So check in for yourself right now or think about your client. How true is that for you? That people around you are astounded at what you create, but on the inside, It doesn't feel that difficult. It could often feel kind of easy. Gay Hendricks, in his book, The Big Leap, talks about the zone of genius. And the problem when we work in our zone of genius is we're doing what feels so natural and so easy to us. We love it.

We feel a bit of a fraud. We have this sensation that it doesn't matter how much acknowledgement we get from people, on the inside, we know that so much more is possible. One of my clients is a professor at Ivy League School. All sorts of admiration from her peers, but despite that, what she told me is I could do this with my eyes closed. I want something more.

Another client is a woman with a multimillion dollar business. She's respected by everyone in her field and she used exactly the same words. I could do this with my eyes closed. I want something more. And then she went on, I'm not lonely, but I'm very alone. There's no one else I dare share this with but you.

It's one of the gifts you can give extraordinary high performers to create enough safety for a place where they can actually speak their truth. The challenge of being a high performer is you can be surrounded by people whose only mission is to say yes. Whose only mission is to make you feel good or to say what they think you need to hear. And to be the kind of coach who creates enough safety

That your clients can say what's truly going on for them. To be the kind of coach who's willing to hide nothing and hold nothing back. It is a very unique position. For an extraordinary high performance. So I was working once with a hedge fund manager. He had a multi million dollar net worth and a network of friends who were world leaders. Yeah, none of that mattered to him. He had a secret fear that he shared with me and he'd never shared it with another living soul.

He literally would hung out with presidents, he went to Ivy League School, and deep down inside him, he felt like he didn't fit in. You see what drove him and what also held him back at the same time. was the shame that he felt that he grew up in a poor immigrant family. It was what drove him to higher and higher levels of success and what held him back at the same time. You see, we can never have enough of what we don't really need.

We could never have enough of what we don't really need. And often, well look, we're entrepreneurs, right? We're coaches, right? We we wouldn't do this, get up every day and show up from a place of who can I serve? If deep down inside, something wasn't driving us. Another client I worked with was the person Kiva mentioned earlier, he was a British special forces operative.

He'd done things that that chilled me, that would scare most people. He knew how to experience deep fear. He even in those moments of deep fear, he could still perform at an extraordinary level. situations in places that would terrify most people. But by the time I was working with him, he was now a businessman. And here he was frozen, because he was finally at the limits of his ability, in a completely different field.

If you're a high achiever, if your clients are high achievers, the challenges you face are wrapped up in your gift. you face what to most people would seem like high quality problems. And most people around you would dream of having your challenges. But for you they're simply life.

Now today I'm gonna dive in. I'm actually gonna cope somebody. I I I said I didn't want to teach today, but if I do teach, I teach by coaching. And so I want to bring on Kirsty Hanley. Kirsty's from the UK too, although I live in uh LA these days, Kirsty still lives in the UK. She lives in London. Uh I'll ask Kirsty to tell you a bit more about who she is professionally. I want to tell you who Kirsty is for me. Kirsty is an extreme extraordinary high performer.

She's a risk taker. She's willing to do things differently, to lean into her edge again and again and again. She's a mother. And and I'm I'm a dad these days to a one-year-old and a three-year-old. So I know from the other side what it takes to be a mother, but also to be a mother who's out there in the world creating. and performing and building a business and being an entrepreneur and being a coach.

And for me, Kirsty is a risk taker who's willing to keep challenging herself, to keep playing the game at higher and higher levels. So Kirsty, that's who you are for me. Yeah, I mean y you really y you're somebody extraordinary, somebody I admire and and uh I'm I'm honored to be able to play with you today and and and dive in deep. Give give me a bit of context, like for people who don't know you like officially, what's your your title and your bio, who are you?

So um so I'm Kirsty Hanley and I'm a cognitive hypnotherapist and a coach and I work um from London, from I have a clinic in Harley Street in London. um and over the the past while I've been moving more much more and more into the coaching world, um, letting go a little bit of the the therapy world. And and let me get some context for this for myself. If I'm right.

Uh cognitive hypnotherapy, that that that ther world of therapy is is a bit like the world of coaches. It's very overcrowded, um many people are struggling, th th there's many, many people in that world. It's not easy to be successful in that particular world. Just same as in coaching.

Yeah, absolutely right, absolutely right. Um I think um in my Uh on my the floor of my building there's I think twenty five cognitive hypnotherapists we're quite different to to regular hypnotherapists and so yeah within just a very, very short geographical space there's a lot Um Yeah, I I live in LA, I always I always think you throw a stone out of a window, you hit half a dozen coaches. Um so i i in in in Harley Street, which is the place

for for medical professionals, uh it's the cream of the crop are there in in the in the UK. Just in your building alone, twenty-five people with the exact same t official title as you have. So how did you become successful in that world? Because by the time I met you, you were already playing at a high level.

I uh I so I attended a school called the Quest Institute, which has really high quality of training. And so I came out, I think, already probably with an advantage over many people out there. Um and I I guess, you know, uh we've had this conversation before, haven't we, about how I created the business and to me I kinda don't know. Um, because I c I just really love what I do and I really made it happen because of that.

Um so I talked to everybody about what I was doing and and I was really passionate about the level of change that people could experience through working with me. Um so I think that is really key. Um and also I have always um not mean unafraid, but I've kind of enjoyed the the the

But it's not just the therapy, it's not just the coaching, it's the business of therapy, it's the business of coaching, which has never scared me. You know, I've kind of enjoyed getting to understand and getting to learn more about that as I've gone along.

So let me pull let me pull apart I want to see some there's some distinctions in there I wanna I wanna draw out because y this is the zone of genius, right? The challenge with the zone of genius is when you do what you do and it seems so easy. So I hear a few things I heard. You went for the highest quality training you can do. And and I think it's one of the one of the keys in in coaching is that we're we're willing to invest in our professional development.

I I wrote an article a year or so back called Mastery How to Become an Overnight Success as a Coach in Forty Six Years. And and I think it's not only the professional development that we do now in our in our field, but it's everything before then. W we we that's included. You know, I I spent two years living in Botswana, teaching kids science in their third language in nineteen ninety two.

What that's helped me do is have an understanding of language and communication that I could never have got from a training course. Now it's not that I'd say to anybody beginning coaching or starting a new career as a consultant, go and live in Africa for two years. But it is everything we've done before and we don't always see that. We bring it with us.

Yeah. I absolutely agree with that. And it's interesting. I I in my previous life I w um was a stage manager. I went to drama school and I trained as a stage manager and then I worked in television production and um And my father works in in the the theatre industry as well or did before he retired. And I always remember him saying to me when I first trained as a stage manager, um, What's the question? The answer is yes. That's how you work in theatre.

And that's really stayed with me, you know, and it's things like that. It's thing it's it is all of the the combination of my skills and experience that kind of led me to be able to problem seek, I guess, and problem solve, um, in ways that have really helped my business. this going forward and also in my relationship with my clients as well, you know. Well I like it.

Yeah we we're not coaching yet, it hasn't begun yet. We're we're drawing a getting a sense of your world and and how you show up as a high performer. There's a distinction called say yes. It's the first rule of improv, if you ever do improv comedy training, just say yes. And and getting that insight as a youngster stayed with you all this time.

And and what we're doing now is fleshing out some of your world so that when we do dive into the coaching, I have a sense of who you are and how you show up in the world. Now me, I'm a bit of an introvert. That that's that's challenging. I I can't talk to everyone. When I do talk to somebody, I go really deep, but but I get a bit overwhelmed with that thought of talking to everyone. But there's something in you that that that phrase really resonated, I felt it as you said.

Yeah, and it's interesting, you know, when you s when I hear you say that back to me I think, Oh, do I talk to everyone?'Cause no, I'm I'm sit somewhere in the middle of introvert, extrovert and um And um but what it is I think is that I'm really I've always been very enthusiastic. I've experienced personal change through doing this work um myself on a an amazing level.

And so I know when I speak to to somebody um what is possible and I get excited about that, you know, it's lovely talking to people and and being able to see that so much more is possible than they currently believe.

So I guess it's that excitement, you know, if if I'm having a conversation with somebody then I'm able to um you know, just gently, you know, I don't I'm not overbear overbearing, overbearing with it, bearing with it you know, there's this thing that is available out there and it's amazing and it's magical and you know, if you check it out it's

I I went too far the other way in my early days of coaching where I became a bit of a proselytizer, tried to convince everybody how amazing coaching was in their early days, learned quickly that was a bad idea and it didn't work. Yeah, that's permission, right? But but yeah, yeah, it's a balance. It's a balance. And with therapy, you know, it's it's a real balance because, you know, m most people don't want to talk.

about the deep stuff, you know, in public or and that's not something that I ever encouraged people to do. But um I guess it's more just kind of living the message, you know? It's more just kind of this gentle knowing that you can carry with you that there's this thing and and yeah. And it's exactly

And I feel that as you speak, the gentle knowing, I get a sense of that inside of you. You just know. You've experienced it. You're passionate about change. You've experienced change. You know the gift it's been to you and the clients you've worked with. And I get that you have no doubts that it will be a gift to the people you spend time with in the future. Yeah, yeah, absolutely right. You said one other thing I wanted to pull out. You said I I was not unafraid.

Which if we take out the double negative means there were times when you were afraid and you d you showed up anyway. And it's another thing I get about you. It you're not You're not trying to get past fear. You're okay with fear. It's just part of the journey.

So I did this TED talk last year which was all about this, which was all about fear. And I used to be somebody who um stayed well away. You know, if I came up against something that that frightened me, I just uh I shut down and I pulled back and Felly mae'n rhaid wedi bod yn ymwneud â phobl, mae'n rhaid yn ymwneud â phobl, mae'n rhaid yn ymwneud â phobl, ac mae'n rhaid yn ymwneud â phobl, ac mae'n rhaid yn ymwneud â phobl, ac mae'n ymwneud â phobl.

um has been growing over the years and is kind of the most exciting piece in the jigsaw really. Yn, mae'r pethau hyn sy'n cael ei wneud mewn gwirionedd mewn gwirionedd mewn gwirionedd mewn gwirionedd mewn gwirionedd mewn gwirionedd. Isn't it interesting? We took our three year old to a swim class this week and on Monday he was really freaked out, very scared, it was very challenging for us to to know that it's gonna be valuable for him. By Tuesday he's a bit more relaxed.

Yesterday he was jumping in the pool. He asked to jump off the big rock and I was talking to him. He's only three, but I was saying to him, just notice that the things that we're scared of, often it's because we secretly want them. And when we do the things that we're scared of, we feel so amazing afterwards. And he got it because he's feeling amazing. He can't wait to go to swim class this afternoon.

Yeah, I love that. That's absolutely wonderful. And it's yeah, and it's and it it can be you know the first time that feels like it's gonna be the most scary thing in the world and you do it and you don't die and then you can kind of do it again, you know, and just test the water and see. Rydyn ni'n ymwneud yw'n ymwneud ymwneud ymwneud ymwneud ymwneud ymwneud ymwneud ymwneud ymwneud ymwneud.

So so here's where we are, getting this sense of Kirsty as a high performer. Um the world of cognitive hypnotherapy, you quickly rise up to be a a real high performer in that world. Uh just last year you gave a TED talk. then you became a coach, uh we began to know each other, you you dive into this world of coaching, you you perform at a high level with your clients. You you've uh just signed an extraordinary client you've begun working with who I know is really energizing you.

Yeah, lots has changed in the past uh year, really, I guess, you know. Um

Partly through circumstances, so I had some personal stuff that went on. My you know, with my my my marriage broke up and I was kind of forced into a different way of working in the world and seeing things differently. Um and I used it as an opportunity which um which has been amazing. And yeah, I've s I've been really exploring well, I I I've over a a period of time now been exploring coaching.

ac yn ymwneud â nhw'n ymwneud â nhw'n ymwneud â nhw'n ymwneud â nhw'n ymwneud â nhw'n ymwneud â nhw'n ymwneud â nhw'n ymwneud â nhw And it's a really exciting way of working. I I really, really enjoy it. I love the journey um that you can go on with someone through their stuff, you know, it's like whatever comes up, I have these amazing tools that we can work on. Um

you know, we we I can sort of dip into the therapeutic stuff if I need to. And we I love sort of guiding people towards the creation, you know, towards what they can what they can create for themselves. Um and the exciting sort of things that that can bring. I hear another distinction in the middle of what you're saying. You use adversity as opportunity. Yeah. Yeah, that is a very strong belief of mine that you find the power of who you can be through your adversity.

So to really embrace those experiences and it can be hard, you know, it's not doesn't always come naturally to do that and it's um something that more and more I'm sort of training myself to do, to kind of pull back from um things that may seem to be really difficult. But y a a client of mine actually said this week and she she really found this distinction for herself.

Mae'n ymwneud â'r cymwneud â'r cymwneud â'r cymwneud â'r cymwneud â'r cymwneud â'r cymwneud â'r cymwneud â'r cymwneud â'r cymwneud â'r cymwneud â'r cymwneud. She used the example of J.K. Rowling, who is a single parent and under extreme adversity produced a set of novels that I'm sure will never ever be forgotten. Um so yeah, there's always a way through and a way forward and because of the the hard stuff, um amazing things can happen, um not necessarily in spite of them.

Hm, nice nice catch. And so as I'm just getting a sense of your world now and how you how you create your world and and then just to kind of bring it fully up to date, you've gone from this model i in in the therapeutic world where you you're charged by the hour. Usually do fifty minute hours, there's there's a pretty much a cap on how much you can charge and you move into a world of coaching where now you charge uh a hundred thousand dollars for a year of coaching, right?

Yeah. Yeah, and And like I said, it's it's a lovely way of working because it stops it being this um like unsupported model and takes it right through to a really supported relationship that can be created. Um and you know, when when people work with me their lives change beyond uh recognition. You know, it's amazing. If my clients show up, which um I choose to work with people who are oh who fall into that bracket.

um then yeah incredible things happen and um and it's been a really great way to take my practice. I've really enjoyed um steering it so that I can create those relationships with my clients. It's funny on the background I have the slides running and they they would put together at random just some quotes from the book, The Prosperous Coach. The one that's just showed up says, Your clients are paying for their dreams and their dreams are priceless.

Yeah, it's one of the things I noticed. People say, Well how can you charge a hundred thousand dollars? How would so why would somebody pay that? Because they're not paying for coaching. And they're not even paying for you. Now something underneath that has to be you know it has to be great coaching that you do and there has to be something powerful about how you show up. It's not just asking for any number, but assuming that you've done the work. That you are powerful as a coach.

And how you show up in your own world is is extraordinary. Then they're not paying for any of those things. Your job is to dive down and uncover their secret dream. The dream they've often never said to a living soul, another living soul. We bring that out. Then that's what they choose to invest in. And if they get a sense that having conversations with you brings that closer, it's a no brainer and the numbers are relevant. That's been my experience.

Yeah, I completely agree with that. And the thing for me that makes that so real is that when I look at my own personal transformation and if I really sit and kind of really acknowledge the journey that I have personally come on. You know, if I think about, you know, if I were to put a figure on that, you know, which is impossible, obviously, but, you know, if I were to try and put a figure of appreciation on that, let's say.

Um you know, it it it goes absolutely stratospheric. There's almost not a number that can cover it. And so Yeah, I mean uh I I I love that people can have access to their dreams. And I love that I n I have the tools to be able to guide them towards that and to be able to let go of all of the stuff that maybe held them back from achieving those things. Um it's a it's a yeah, it's powerful.

Cool, which brings us nicely to the word dreams. And l let's let's dive into some of yours. Uh I'm gonna give a bit of context just to what we've just done. Uh I I I I know you. You've been in my world for a while. I I I've coached you. You're in my community of uh the four P C the Four Percent Club uh which is a group of forty of the top four percent of coaches out there. And so we know each other.

But still just a space to dive in and and have a conversation allows us both to relax, allows me to get more of a sense of your world. So I have some context about where we might be going next. And and now if you're up for it, are you ready to play? Yeah, let's go. So if this conversation we're about to have, Kirsty, turned out to be a life changing conversation.

And the people who know me are ready for that question, but the what I hear most often is that I knew you were gonna ask that question, but somehow I can never quite prepare for it the same way as when it shows up. But if you and I were gonna have a conversation right now. And it turned out to be life changing.

And you called me in a year's time and said Actually you weren't kidding, Rich, like you've asked me that before, but this time it was even more impactful than it's ever been. Because in the year that's gone, this is what I've created, this is how I've shown up, this is what's changed. What would you be telling me on that phone call, Kirsty?

Ooh I do hate this question. Um So I don't know where I want to be, but there's some things that have happened recently that have have really shifted my perspective about what's possible. And um And, you know, every time I um every time I'm coached and every time I kind of do this big uh kind of dive into the big dream things, um the the crazy thing is that they really they do happen and way quicker than Ever can imagine, you know? Um so can I give you a than I can imagine Kirstie because I...

Yeah, okay, you got me now, Tichay. Um, so can I tell you what has happened over the past week, um, and just to give you some context. Yeah, absolutely. aren't directly answering your question but so um so a while ago, in fact I remember it was in at the beginning of the year Um, I think I sat in our um four PC group and I talked about how I wanted to create a different

Um, but I really want to be connected to nature and I really want to um kind of just give my children a different experience of life. And one of my biggest dreams has always been to um do this transformational work that I do with people, but in beautiful, beautiful locations. So that that amazing thing that people have when they go on holiday and you know, you kinda get out of your life and y and you dream differently because you're on holiday and you're out of your life and it's amazing.

as they were before, right? But but my dream has always been to take people in those amazing spaces, in those amazing locations and to really do some deep transformational work so that when they go back um they take so much more change with them. And when I said that I remember thinking that it was completely impossible because I'm a single mum and my children's father is here and they have a great relationship with him and

Um I had a a huge amount of stories about why that could never ever happen. Um anyway, so it looks like it's gonna happen. Um and um so I've I've it looks like I'm I'm being able to arrange to go and live in Bali for six months um at from the start of next year. Um and I'm really excited about that. It looks like some of that dream is kind of coming to fruition. And I'm taking it really gently and really slowly and I don't want to make big, big leaps, but

Six months is is good for me. That seems way more than I could have hoped for before. Um So here's what I heard. Yeah. You had a dream, there was something that looked impossible, and within a few months what looked impossible become not only possible but likely, probable. Absolutely, absolutely. It's um

Yeah, it's the big dream thing, right? We think it's impossible if we really dream big enough and it you know, it happens. There's the news flash to everyone out there, but um it's really hard to dream big enough so that you get an impossible dream. Um

So let me just capture that. I w I want to reflect those words back to you for a second. It's really hard dre to dream big enough that that you have an impossible dream. Like like even the impossible dream become possible. And and for you that happens on a regular basis, right? Yeah. Yeah, it does. It does. I remember yeah, uh yeah, uh in all kinds of ways. Yeah. But I think it happens for everyone if they let it. I don't

Stay with you for a second. You're not you're not here to be coached right now. Stay with you in your world. Because as much as we can see it for other people, right, we can help other people with this. But then we come in into our own world, right? It's and and we have our own face our own challenges. Yeah.

Rydyn ni'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i Yeah, I was just gonna say here's the thing, right? So

So that felt so impossible and so blocked and I mean it I'm still not there. I still have to get permission from my children's school. We'll see what happens. But um but For a long time it felt like that was completely impossible. Then all of a sudden it just opened up. It was like a switch just flicked and oh look, here we are, I'm creating this. Um and then I kind of went into a really strange um headspace with it. I started to feel he would talk about the fear. I started to feel fear. And

I wasn't quite sure why, because I'm so excited about this. There is nothing I mean, there are lots of things that if I really dive into them, like seem fearful, like going by myself with two children to a country that I've never been to before, but that doesn't really bother me. That's not really the thing. What the fear was about was something that you spoke about earlier, and as you said it earlier, it really resonated with me.

forging the way, like being the first one to go out and do that, doing the thing that to everybody else looks difficult but and they don't do it. So being the first one again to to do the thing and kind of being a bit of a loner with it. Or at least that's what it potentially feels like it might become.

Um so that's the thing. But it was really interesting to me how I went from this total excitement to a little bit of, you know, shutdown when when I realised actually, oh, that that really big dream I can actually do that. There's some there was a piece to that that was very interesting to me. I see a lot in high performance, I and I see it for myself too, that we create something amazing And but then it's like well who am I gonna tell this to?

The the people around me I I notice when when we share something extraordinary we've done, it can sometimes challenge people. If you if you can go off and live in Bali for six months, that means I can too, but I've got all these beliefs about no well the school won't let me and uh I couldn't do it for this reason and that reason and this reason and so if you do it my my mind is challenged, I'd rather say, Well, that's because there's something unusual about you or you're just lucky or

You do you you realise how dangerous that is and they'll give you all the reasons why you shouldn't do it. And it's it is quite hard to tread out on that path. It's like my client said, I'm not lonely but I feel very alone. Yeah. Yeah, that re it was when you said that that that really resonated with me. Um Because I kind of but like I I kind of flip between two modes, like one being the person who goes out and achieves the things that I achieve and

And then wanting actually to sometimes to to follow. Like I sometimes want someone to be one step ahead so I can kinda go, Oh yeah, that looks that looks fun. Let's go let's go there too instead of being the one that goes up the mountain first and then waves to people and say, Come, you know, the air is great up here. I kinda sometimes want to be the one who's being told that the air is great, just in case the mountain top isn't what it says it's gonna be.

It's it's sometimes nice to feel held. It's sometimes nice to feel supported.

It's like in in three years time looking back at this conversation I would like to be able to see a really clear path through to continuing the adventure and growing my coaching business. 'Cause I have a very, very strong sense that well already actually two of my coaching clients are coming up, you know, as soon as I mentioned Bartley they're like, Yeah yeah yeah we're coming. We're gonna get on the plane, we're gonna come and do an intensive with you over that.

Um which is great. And I have a really strong sense that, you know, it would be really nice to Yeah, to to invite people um into that space to do some work there. But how I navigate that with my children and going forward I just f I I it it almost feels like at this stage like I ri I I'm hoping to fly out there in December and I I don't really want to think about January the first because it just is kind of too much. And I I'd love some help navigating through that.

Well, l let me just come back to what you said. You y you want a clear path to continuing the adventure and building your coaching business. My experience with adventures is they're called adventures because there isn't a clear path. Yeah, you might be right with that.

And so let me take you to my back to my question, which is in in you know in a year or or a couple of years' time you call me, I didn't say what come back to the present moment and what does it look like going into the future. I said What is If you were in the future right now, looking back at the past, if that makes sense. I've taken you a year down the road and you're looking back.

You see, that for me is the only path I've ever seen. I live a life of adventure. I uh it's the life I've always lived. I've travelled and lived in lots of different countries and had lots of experiences that that have been adventures. I can only give the path at the end.

In fact, y you've been at a number of my intensives now. People sometimes say to me, Well what's the curriculum? What what's what's on the agenda for the event that you're running? It's a four day event, what's gonna happen and the and I'll say, I don't know, ask me at the end and then I'll tell you what the agenda has been. Because even in an event, I don't know, the agenda's in the room, the agenda's in the audience. Thank you.

Do you do have you ever needed a clear path to get to where you've gone to in an adventure and building your business until now? No, I've never had a clear path in anything that I've done, come to think of it. No, not at all.

No. I suppose you know, so so that so the headspace that I got into was um all about but if I don't have a clear path, then no There could be all kinds of things that cut you know, like I sort of felt like with it's okay for the little things like creating a really successful business, but yeah, when it comes to taking my children a different when the big stuff comes, that's when I need a clear path. Yeah, that's kind of interesting. But of course I don't.

Yeah, isn't it interesting? We have th there are some areas where we can see that there's space, but there are some areas like well no, but these are my kids. No no you don't understand. This one's different. Yeah, I love those ones'cause those ones are the ones that make me feel the most blind. Like you know, like I can Yeah. you know, those those that you get into a fixed mindset. Like in in most areas of my life I'm pretty good at seeing

my stuff, you know, I I'm really good at like even if I'm in it, I still know that I'm in it. And then there's the ones that I just don't know. And that's that's really great. And that's why, you know, that's why it's important as a coach to have a coach or as a therapist to have a therapist because um yeah, to have your arse kicked out of the stories regularly is super important for me specifically. Um Yeah, if you're listening from the US she means have your ass kicked.

So let's let's pause. I wanna pause for a moment. I'm gonna ask Kiva if she's got any questions either for actually we won't pause, we'll carry on for a minute, but Kiva If people have got questions either for me or for Kirsty about coaching or being coached, about coaching high performers or being a high performer getting coached, perhaps we can get some of those questions in a couple of minutes I'll come to you and see what we've got on questions and we'll pause.

Um and then Kirsty we'll carry on for a few minutes and and then we'll uh keep will tell us where we are with questions. So if that wasn't what you needed, right? If if you know, I'll go back to my first question right at the beginning. If this was an extraordinary conversation today, a life changing conversation. And you call me in a year's time and you say, Wow, you weren't kidding, Rich, it really was life changing.

Initially I said, Well what I'd want is a clear path to continuing the adventure and building my coaching business and then you reminded me I've never needed one before, so maybe I didn't need one now. What did you say next or what did you create in the year that's just passed that made that coaching session amazing a year ago? what I created was a way to really live how I believe it's possible to live for me.

Um and to work in the way that I really believe it's possible to work without being held back by what I perceive as other people's expectations of me. Because it turns out a lot of the time their expectations of me are either uh a perception that I have that's not true, or it's their stuff and I can't do anything about that. And again, let me check in with you, because we could go there. But my sense is, having said that out loud

The the answers in the question, right? I reflect it back to you so you hear a y you what would make this great is if you get a way to really live and work how you believe it's possible to live and work without being held back by others' expectations. And and I'm tempted to dive in, but my senses The answers in the question. You get it. Yeah. You know, the thing is.

that I'm really, really interested in i uh in is the inspiring lives. You know, it's it's feeling inspired and inspiring others. That's the thing that really, really gets me fired. And I don't know where we're going with this necessarily, but the the piece for me is I want to live

all the not all the time, it's not possible to live all the time. But, you know, I want to live in a space of feeling inspired and connecting to others far more deeply than I do in a city environment which is so much filled with noise and and I don't mean audio noise but you know just stuff around really on that level of inspiring and inspired and of inspiration that can come when you're really in nature and and I don't know how to

I don't know how to create that. Like and I know I don't need to know the path. I I just need to let go of the fear, and there is fear there, about what it means to live in that zone. Is that true, Kirsty? Do do you need to let go of the fear? Thank you. Oh no. I know that no, we do not need to let go of the fear, right? That's the thing. That's what I know so deeply is I can feel that fear and I can use that to spur me on.

Well I don't use it to spur you on. Uh you know, it's a bit like feel the fear and do it anyway. It's a little bit No, I don't that's that's was the wrong choice of words. I know what you mean. It it's not to spur me on, it's like It's almost because like this is this is this is something that I really don't like about where I go. It's that it's almost because of the fear it means I'm gonna do it. It's like that's how I get into that space. It's like

it's not feel the fear and do it anyway. It's like the fear means And there's a lot of emotion. Like I'm I'm really aware of the you know, it's funny, I I I'm a crier, as you know, I cry uh very easily at everything. And when I go onto this call I was thinking Yeah, I'm not gonna I don't need to go there right now, but you know, I'm feeling the emotion of that. You know, it's this it's it's the It's connecting.

So let go of words for a second and allow yourself to feel what you're actually feeling. And it's okay. I I'm okay with tears. And for me they're just a release of emotion. And and allow yourself to feel what you're really feeling.'Cause there's a temptation sometimes to want to talk a lot and and not let ourselves feel it. And we're both British and it's a little bit harder for us too, but let let's just drop in. What what's the sensation that's going on in your body right now, Kirsty?

I have a tightness in my stomach. I mean real tightness. And scan your body, what else are you aware of? kind of tingling in my hands and my feet that's a little bit like excitement. But and don't don't want trying to put labels on it right now, just a tingling in your your as you can. the sensation rises up to my throat and it feels tight, constricted in my throat. And then there's a hotness behind my eyes. What what are you not saying? What have you not said out loud?

But I feel like doing this for me is and for my children is like There's a need that's like a survival need that's there. It's like I feel so powerfully that It does f I don't really like working with needs, but it feels like a need. It feels like I want to be somewhere else. from where I am, I want to feel connected to nature, I want to slow down, I want to I want my children to connect with their souls. You know, I want to go to I want them and me to experience.

the other that is possible and it's very easy in a in a city, particularly I've lived in London my whole life. to feel like that's the only way and you know Other people will say, Yeah, but the culture's great and you know, and everything's so wonderful about living here, there's so much on offer for them and it's like, Yeah, there is. But that's not where my values lie. And So say more about survival need. What does that mean? I felt the emotion behind that that framework.

It feels like it feels like It feels so so what I'm what I think that I do in the city is I sort of contort to fit the shape of what I need to be in order to do life in the city. I don't know if that makes any sense, but um like I feel like a um

the the round peg in a square hole kind of situation. That you know, there's certain things that are required, like, you know, m living quite fast and uh you know, kind of scheduling in a you know, my children at their school, you know, everyone comes out of school and then they go into tons of classes afterwards and there's things happening all the time and, you know, they have the most amazing social lives and I don't necessarily think that

For my children, for me, the right way at the moment. And that's not to say that those things aren't wonderful. in their own right to a certain extent, but for I just f I feel that I'm in a space in my life right now where I want to experience Um, nature slowing down, feeling connected. I want to create space for my children and I just to be together. We've had, you know, a couple of years of turmoil with everything that's been going on. and I want

And and when I'm in that space, which I do tap into, you know, and uh and it's not impossible to do it in the city, you know, it's completely possible, but it's just harder. I feel like it takes more energy and but when I'm in that space that's when I feel like I have way more to give to my clients and I can sh you know, I I I get into a different space myself that allows me to give in a whole different energetic kind of way to the way that um that I kind of slip into very easily in this life.

Second stuff. So that's kind of what I meant by survival. But it's just basically it just feel like like feet on the ground. Like it I'm I I hate wearing shoes, you know, most people don't actually realise that about me, apart from the fact that I'll wear flip flops in freezing cold if possible. But um but I really don't I like to feel connected to the earth, you know, I like to walk on the sand, I like to be on a beach, I like to be in a forest, I like to be in nature.

Um that's where I feel most at home. And I see that, you know, with my children and with people generally, you know, they come alive in that environment and I really want to to be more in that space.

Here's what I want to do. I want to pause for a moment. Sometimes if we w if we were coaching together without an audience I'd just create some space. I may even give it giving us a break right now. Sometimes it's what I call a hot seat moment. The art of coaching is knowing when to stop talking, when to take a client off the hot seat. And I want to leave you with that sensation of everything you just brought out into the world. You spoke it out loud and it means so much to you.

And we're going to pause. I'm going to see what questions there are and and let you just sit with what you what what you've just created into the world. And then we'll come back in a few minutes, um depending on how many questions there are, and we'll see where we go from there, Kirsty. Mm-hmm. That's great. Okay. Hi. So there are many questions. We could be here for days.

I will do my best to find the ones that are the most encompassing. I also want to share with you both there's just so much gratitude and appreciation for this witnessing. So Ευχαριστώ.

Thank you. Yeah. So uh this question is from Jill Van Nod. It's actually for either of you. Um as high performers, do you feel that everyone's big dreams have to be really Meaning, what if my big dream is to have a moderate coaching practice with plenty of time for me to explore other passions, time with my husband, traveling, doing Feldenkrais?

practicing my art and enjoying nature. I feel this is enough. But I do wonder, is there a bigger dream? Am I playing small, even though I'm happy and satisfied? What question would you ask this satisfied smaller dreamer? Ooh, nice. That just helped me relax into my seat. You know sometimes the challenge of being a high performer is you're driven from a place that isn't healthy. Uh I I I gave a talk recently um called I Don't Need Help.

Um I I've I've been driven from this place of trying to prove myself to my dad for most of my life. Turns out that I never needed to. It and but it was what drove me. I didn't think he was proud of me. All everything I did was for another purpose and and

I don't need help was just I can do it on my own. I've got to show you guys how I can do anything. I don't need anyone to h to help me or support me. So I hear that question and I just relax and I breathe and it's like, oh this is cool. No, I think it's really nice to know exactly what you want.

And if at some point there's something more that you you feel called to do, then then you'll go for that too. So being a high performer, or for me coaching high performers, is just it just happens to be where I like my coaching practice to be aimed. 'Cause I know from the inside out what it feels to have these challenges that others don't see, uh these these high quality problems.

I I I interviewed uh someone who who was talking to a billionaire the other day the other day and this billionaire said the the problem with my m millionaire friends is they're not dreaming big enough. That for me was fascinating because these millionaires are surrounded by people who always think who think they're the the the most amazing person in their world and here's someone else who's saying, Ashley you guys aren't dreaming big enough. But that isn't the only way to be.

And it is really nice to hear a question like that. To know that actually you're creating the life that you love. And the practice that you love. And if there's something more that you want, I've got no doubt, when that when there's time, when it's time, you'll go after it. But not because you need to go through anything bigger or more than you already have. I I really did relax into myself when I heard that question. So that was a great question, Kiva.

So there are quite a few questions. Um I'm gonna put them in the magic pill. And Christy there for you. Lots of people asking how did you make the leap from hourly to charging a hundred thousand per year? How are you articulating the value? What support did you call in? Um I'm imagining rich is a big part of that, but I'll let you address that.

Mm, so um so it is a very interesting alchemy of making that switch. Um However, I think a lot of it is wrapped up in um like those old stories that I would tell myself about, oh, I can only charge this much because

um so and so is only charging this much and I and I'm gonna be compared to them and you know there was some some very definite constraints that I put um around myself and it was really interesting to me. You know, I I um I spent a long time um umming and Ring about whether or not I could ch charge move my fees from ninety five pounds a session

to a hundred and twenty pounds a session. Like that felt impossible to me for a a while. And then it became like, oh, how can I go up to a hundred and fifty? You know, a at each point it felt impossible to me. Um and really what uh the model that I used in my um

in my therapy practice was that I would become full and when when my practice was completely full I put my prices up and then there'd be a natural drop off and I would continue doing the same. Um but then when I read The Prosperous Coach my the the switch really flicked for me about um I can create my practice any way I want to. I'm not comparable to anybody else. And the thing that um that really changed things for me was um

not comparing myself like on a level of quality, you know, like am I as good as that person or not as good as that person or, you know, how d it's not about that. And really switching to to what we were talking about earlier. Um of um you know a client is paying for their experience and um and also that I'm not responsible for their experience. So my fee then became about

it was like how m how m it was like a number, like what's the it's an access fee to me. That's all it is. It's just that's the amount that I've decided that that it costs to work with me. because I know I can be really congruent about knowing the power of what I do. and that's just how I choose to set up my practice. And it took a long time for me to mentally make the leap, but basically the difference is that I just started asking for it in a different way.

um I just I got just I I just said the numbers and I offer my clients options. So, you know, some people are very clearly therapy clients and will never be coaching clients. Some people are very, very clearly coaching clients and that's why they've approached me. And other people kind of bridge the gap and so I always meet people and I do um an assessment and you know I even meet them face to face if I can or um on telephone or Skype and I just kind of talk with them and

really slow things down, really, really slow things down and do an assessment of exactly where they're at, what they want to achieve, do they inspire me? Does it feel right? I'm very intuitive about the way I work. So, you know, intuitively Yeah, I kind of get a sense of what's happening there. Um and

I just kind of see see if it feels right. Um, so that it's you know, it's hard when we dive into the um the what do I actually do, we can kind of pick it apart a bit more, but it's it it is very much a question of, you know, what are they coming for? what seems right to me and if I want to spend time with them and create that coaching relationship and obviously if they want to do the same with me, then we can kind of get creative about how that works.

Let me just draw out a couple of distinctions in there, Kirsty. So y you talked about you asked the question, do they inspire me? That for me is the most fun part about building a coaching practice when you begin to look for clients who inspire you instead of looking for clients who you can inspire. That's a game changer. When you said you get that they're paying for their experience and I'm not responsible for that experience.

That takes you to a being a high level coach. See, most clients don't get this. They don't want you to go on the ride with them. They think they do. Most coaches think my job is to be responsible, so if if you're getting your goals and achieving your goals and I can feel great and if you're not getting them I feel bad and I'm responsible. That isn't your job. But they don't want you as a great coach to be feeling great when they do and feeling sad when they do.

Your job is to actually be the person who believes in them no matter what, knowing that we all have challenges. We oh look there's the slides in front of me, right? It says safety is the enemy of success. Be proud of your mistakes, take a risk. Fail spectacularly and then go out and fail more. Well that's our job to hold that space for our clients. It's okay for you to fail as we work together.

I'm here for you. I'm with you. You're gonna have successes and you're gonna have challenges and I'm gonna be here with you alongside you along as as both of them show up. Not attached. Uh coaches sometimes are amused when they hear me say this. I'm gonna be less attached to your goals than you are.

And and it's strange. But but really they're going to pay you all that money and you're going to be less? Yeah, absolutely. They don't want me and don't need me being attached to their goals. That's not what I'm here for.

There there's there's so much more both of us could say on this one, uh Kiva. Uh th there's let me just give a little story. Uh my last intensive I no, a year and a half ago at an intensive for coaches, I gave them all a challenge over a lunch break to go out and make bold proposals. But here's the context I gave them. Go out and collect no's, go out and make mistakes, go out and fail, and come back and we'll celebrate the no's you collected, the mistakes you made and how you failed.

In the last event I held for four PC, the the the four percent club for extraordinary coaches, one of the participants said I was at that event. eighteen months ago. And I hated you when you gave me that challenge. I I wanted to leave. I didn't want to come back. I I I made up all these excuses I was ready to say why I couldn't, you know, ask anyone, make any proposals. And with thirty minutes to go I just said, Oh my God, I'm gonna do it He has an animal sanctuary and he made three phone calls.

Each of them was to ask for a million dollar donation for his animal sanctuary. He got two no's from the people who picked up. The third person he left a voicemail for, they never called him back ever. He failed. Made no money.

A couple of months ago when he shared what happened in the eighteen months since, he's raised two point two million dollars for his animal sanctuary because he said In that exercise, I lost my fear of the word no. And I learned I can ask for a million dollars just as easy as I can ask for ten dollars. So I'm going to keep asking for a million dollars. And it's one of the things that Kirsty said a moment ago, practising that new number so it rolls off your tongue like your phone number.

Really shift things. And not being attached to getting a yes, actually seeking the no's. W we say in the book, Yes lives in the land of no. Hm. Thank you for sharing that story, Rich. That was beautiful.

I think I'm going to let you guys go on. There's a lot of requests to to drop back in and then we can come back to questions at the end. How would that be? Yeah, let's play some more. Kirsty, I had a client a few years ago who um an amazing woman. She uh came back from she was a a consultant in the corporate world and she came back from a holiday in the Maldives and she said, Rich, it was amazing.

We had a private chef the uh the the hotel upgraded us to the presidential suite, the service was extraordinary, it was amazing and she was really depressed about going back to London. So I said to her, hang on a second, you know, my experience of going to nice hotels is that even in nice hotels there are people who are enjoying the experience and people who are really miserable. And she said, Oh yeah, yeah, that was like that where we were.

And they said, Well well had how did you create how did you get the presidential suite? And she said, Well you know what actually we were there about ten years ago. I've only been there once before, the same hotel, but we wrote handwritten letters to everyone who'd been with helping us at that hotel in the in the couple of weeks we stayed there because we were so moved and touched by how And they remembered us. Yeah, yeah. And that's why they upgraded us to the presidential suite.

She said, We sat down for dinner the first night and the chef was there and he does he has you know does private cooking for for people in the you know the private villas there. We just sat down with he was he was by by our table and we started talking to him and we were so interested in him and we put so much attention on him and we were so engaged by what he had to say. He really loved that and he offered, I would like to be your personal chef while you're here.

And she began to see that it wasn't about being in the Maldives that made that experience incredible. And we created a distinction for her called the Maldives in London. That she could create that experience wherever she went in the world.

And having created that distinction I remember the next day she called me and she said, You know what? I was in Starbucks this afternoon and I just did what I did with that chef. I put my attention on the person sh uh serving me coffee. I was so interested in them and so engaged by them and I was just Curious about their world the bass said, Sit down, we'll bring your coffee to you.

And it was such a tiny thing, but she saw that it was how she shows up that allows her to create an extraordinary world wherever she goes. And it just looked like the Maldives. Well what was creating it? Yeah. Yeah, I love I love that. And it's funny that you talk about that because this week um something really clicked for me and I started creating Bali in London. I did exactly that and um you know I I do try hard

who um actually I don't try hard. It comes naturally to me to um to kind of operate in a different way, I guess, to um a lot of city folk, in that I do try and slow down and notice the things that I you know, that some a lot of people pass by and um interact with people and connect with people. Like I will often talk to people on the tube which is unheard of in London. But I do it because it feels like that's

a nice thing to do, you know. And so, um So yeah, you know, I I really get that thing of you know, you take yourself with you wherever you go, right? and that's an important one to remember I had it the other way round for a few years, you know, I've I'm from London but I I like going there as a tourist, I don't like living there.

And my father was ill seriously ill the last couple of years and and also Monique, my wife, wanted to go and live in London. She's from uh LA and wanted to experience living in London. And my initial instinct was to say to her, No, I can't go there. I don't thrive in London. I've lived in Africa, I've lived in Southeast Asia, I've lived all over the planet. I just I don't thrive in London. I don't want to be there.

And then of course being in the field that I'm in, I began to reflect on that for a while and I realised, Well, what if that's just a story I've made up? And who I'm being over here I think is about being over in LA that makes life amazing, it's like nothing to do, it's just who I am and how I show up. And I could be anywhere in the world. And I let go of that fear about moving back to London. It turns out we haven't gone back yet. But the fear isn't there any longer. Yeah.

Yeah. And I will keep her flat in London. I'm not gonna get rid of like you know, I'm not intending to sort of uproot um permanently, but it's more about experien it's just that it's about experiences, you know, like part of my passion is collecting together experiences and um it's another experience.

Uh I I just wanted to share what I brought us back to this slide. Um I don't know if you can see the screen but

Oh yeah, I love this. Yeah. I use this with my clients all the time. You know, I often use the metaphor of a train. You know, it's like you're you're on a train and you're travelling down a track and the the track is like um a default path that you take like in spite of your fears uh because of your fears and because of your you know your limiting beliefs and the stories you tell yourself and all that stuff that keeps you fit. and yet we have the opportunity to have to steer a creative path.

you know, we can we can stop, we can look out the window, we can check the destination, you know, we can have a word with the driver, we can be the driver, you know, and I I love that'cause it is all about It's about choices. That's the thing that's so important to me, is it's about the choices that we can make. Um we always have a choice.

It's a it's a great diagram to use your clients, I I wouldn't put why they pay you on it. But the distinction between a default future and a created future. Absolutely people living into a default future. You take where they were five years ago, where they are now, you can extrapolate into the future where they're going to be of a couple of degrees above the horizon from now. Or and I drew this carefully, this is an exponential curve going up.

a created future. Now the thing is if you look at an exponential curve, for qu you know the first third of that curve, it's so similar to the default future. It's really hard to differentiate. Those lines at the beginning Are really close. And it's hard to tell. And they begin to differ ever so slightly, but in an exponential world, things happen really rapidly.

And you shared it at the beginning of the conversation, right? Just in the last week something just shifted in you and and and then there was a moment a year ago when you you were invited to be on a on a stage to give a TED talk and that didn't look possible, you know, a week, a month, a year before that. Created futures are so powerful that's all I'm ever doing in a conversation like this is helping somebody to create their future.

And and let me just I'll say people who are listening, it's the very reason I asked the question or a version of it at the start of a call. I I asked people something like this uh you know, i i if if you were to call me in a year's time and say that our conversation a year ago was extraordinary, what what would you have created in the last year?

And the reason I do that is because they go into that future in that moment. They have to. They're creating it in that very moment when they answer the question. And there is no such thing as the future. We only ever have the present moment. So for me a goal is not a place to get to, it's a place to come from. All I'm ever doing in a conversation like this Yeah. is reminding you of the place to come from, not the place to get to.

Can I add something that just occurred to me when I'm looking at this diagram? I'm sort of referring to the question that came earlier about therapy into coaching and but also into session by session coaching, session by session anything. But the thing with the exponential curve is that if you're just working with people um on a session by session basis or a very short term basis, the tendency is for people to hop off. yn ymwneud â'r ymwneud â'r ymwneud â'r ymwneud â'r ymwneud â'r ymwneud.

um and by working with people on a longer over a longer period of time you get to really like um ymwneud â nhw'n ymwneud â nhw'n ymwneud â nhw'n ymwneud â nhw'n ymwneud â nhw'n ymwneud â nhw'n ymwneud â nhw'n ymwneud â nhw'n ymwneud â nhw'n ymwneud â nhw Nice. Great catch. The other challenge, of course, working short term or paying by the hour is the distinction I call serving versus pleasing.

To be a powerful coach, you come from this place of I'm here to serve you, not to please you. But if you're paying me hourly and I don't know if you're gonna come next week or not until you pay the next week's I'm gonna say the things I think you need to hear, think you want to hear rather than what you need to hear. And that comes back to where we were Where are we?

Here. Your client has a default future that will occur on his own but his life does not change. When he pays you, he's paying for his life to change. And he's paying you to buy nothing, to hold nothing back. Challenge him. To be the person he already is already That's the distinction that's important to me personally. Thank you. I know who you are.

I've known who you are from the moment I met you and I have this unwavering belief in who you are. It doesn't matter what questions you throw at me, what doubts you bring into the room I know who you are. Yeah, and that's a such a powerful thing to feel.

as you're being coached and also as a coach, you know, I al always think that that's my superpower. If I have a superpower it's that I can sit in front of another human being and I know in every single cell in my body that they can have an incredible experience of life. So where should we go now?

What would make the conversation even more powerful than w where it's gone so far? 감사합니다. I feel like um I feel like I have the belief and I have the knowledge and I You know... A lot of being able to do this for me is about um continuing to engage with clients and potential clients. on yr ydym yn ei wneud, ac yn wneud y byddwn i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd.

And I know that that will still be possible, but I don't feel it a hundred percent. I sort of feel like there's a bit of either. And and can you just make that real for me? Am I right? You think that if you go and live in Bali you might keep having the clients you have already

Yeah, I don't know. I sort of feel like if I'm there's a I'm I've always been split between um or felt the split between being a great mother and creating life as I would like it to be and you know, the business head and and you know, I want to bring the two worlds together. That's what I really want to do. I want to really yeah, I wanna be able to do both and to really know how I can integrate that. Um

I'm seeing that slide slow down to speed up. And um that's my journey. How to slow down enough. So that I can continue having the conversations with those people, the inspiring people that I want to work with. um totally kind of shift my location and life around and be a great mum in all of that as well. Um and I don't know we're gonna find the answers in the next five minutes, but you know, I think there's something in that slowing down to speed up um thing.

I work with a lot of powerful women, I work with a lot of powerful women coaches. So you're not alone. Here's the thing, uh Marcus Buckingham wrote a book called A Strongest Life for Women. And in that book he said that They researched mothers. He used to work for Gallup, they did some research and asked hundreds or thousands of mothers if they thought their kids will want more time with them. And every mother said yes.

They asked their kids, the same the kids of those mothers, if they want more time with their mothers, and none of the kids said they want more time with their mothers. They said they want more quality time. And it's about creating quality experiences with our children. It's not the amount of time that we need to create with them.

That's how I found when I slow down around creating time with my family. This week I'm I'm stopping every day at three PM because I'm taking Kaleo and my eldest my three year old to uh to swim club. I had to wipe a bunch of things off my calendar. And it feels edgy for me to do that. But I have got three values in life. Fun, freedom, and family. And I'm willing to compromise on my business and on the money I make to make those values be higher. So it's it's not in my exp so you're not alone.

Um I I I I've I've met women coaches who have coached from inside a closet because it was the only space in their house where they could get silence enough to coach a client on the phone while the kids were in the room next door. I've met women coaches who've coached inside the bathroom to get space in order to coach a client. And my the way I see the way that you're creating your world right now.

is the way I've chosen to create mine with a few high performing, high paying clients, comes for me a lot of freedom, a lot of space. It's not that it's any better. I don't want to put that out as an example that every coach should aim to have high paying clients. It's not the path for everybody. But it it's a path for me to give me the freedom and the space that I want and I choose for my life. And and that diagram, Kirsty, slow down to speed up.

is so powerful for me. I'm I'm listening to a book on audiobook right now called Essentialism by Greg McCowan and he says less but better. Less but better and it's such a powerful way to live life less clients, less events, less things, less experiences, but every one of them is better. Kirsty I see you're muted right now. Just unmute yourself.

I can't oh someone did it for me, I couldn't unmute. Um yes, yes, less is better. I love that. I've just written that down in big letters'cause um that's um less but better is the

is is the way forward, you know, and that's exactly it. And that's i that's what I've been doing over recent times, is really kind of stripping back, scaling back the the the things that the sand and what I call it, you know, the stuff that's not the essentials, the stuff that's not the core, um, and really kind of getting to to the quality. Over what it is.

That's that's exciting, actually. It's ri uh you know, I f I feel like my the the energy of my voice has dropped, but actually, um it's really grounding and really exciting to be in that space. And I've actually made a decision to drop a lot of my therapy uh when I finish up with the therapy clients that I'm seeing currently and not take on any more at the moment because I want to be able to give the few people that I work with and and not everybody's at that.

you know, that high fee. You know, I work with people, you know, on different scales. but I want to be able to give every single one of those people really, really great levels of attention better. You know, I want to really go into that better. So, um I think I think Kiva muted you'cause there was an echo in the background, so maybe carry on with that Kiva.

Yeah, we're getting quite a bit of uh feedback. Uh feedback. Perfect. Kirsty if you can actually manage it on your end if when you're not speaking you can mute yourself. Thank you. I will, absolutely, yeah. Thank you. So again, I we threw these slides together at random, just quotes from the book, I didn't know what order they'd be in, um but but here's the final slide. Life really can be exponential. You are far closer to everything you want than you could ever imagine.

Miracles are far closer than you think. Um it's that's a way I choose to see life. Is it true? I don't know. It's true'cause I choose for it to be true. I choose to see the life uh the world is that way. I'm I'm teaching my boys to see life that way. Because if you show up from that way and that's your belief about life, it's going to become your world.

H here's what I heard just now, Kirsty. You you you you caught that you were kind of grounded, your voice had dropped, and then you realised you were excited at the same time. Um I love that because excitement without grounding means you float off into the atmosphere, right? Excitement with grounding.

There's this place in the middle where I I'm I'm standing right now and I'm I'm moving my hands like one hand's moving up and the other hand's moving down. There's this excitement, this energy that's moving between both of my hands, one above the other. The excitement and the grounding. For me, what I say when I'm asked what's coming next in my life, I say I don't know. But I I do have a compass. I don't have a map, but I do have a compass. And for me the compass is

A little bit of excitement on this side and a little bit of fear on the other side. Not too much excitement that that I I I get carried away, not too much fear that I get blown out. A little bit of each because there's this fine line down the centre. And that's the path I tread. Just on mute button. Yeah, sorry, playing with the meat button. Um yeah, yeah. Excitement versus fear. And that's exactly um where I'm at with this at the moment, I think. Is like uh there's a

most of the time a larger percentage of me f sits on the excitement side and then sometimes I kind of get pulled over to fear and then it's about finding a balance in the middle. Um and yeah, I guess the balance in the middle is kind of like the flow state. You know, if you if you've got the perfect tension between the two, then you can exist in a state of flow and that kind of carries you through. Um so in playing with that. I could probably play it that more.

It's funny you say flow. One of the reasons you know this, one of the reasons I I I call this group of coaches, I'm I'm leading the four percent club. It's not just that they're the four percent of top four percent of coaches. In Stephen Cotler's book The Rise of Superman He studied high performing athletes, the kind of athletes who jump off a rock face in a wingsuit, the kind of athletes where it's life or death. And being in flow is what allows them to perform at a very high level.

The thing about being in flow is If you try to Right. And improve yourself the way most of us feel, like I should be no, even Reed Hoffman where I began the course. Even Reid Hoffman, this billionaire making a big impact on the planet, thinks he's got forty percent more energy and focus to give. We go too far. What he discovered in this book A four percent shift.

In the way of doing things, the way of seeing our world, the way of our thinking, a 4% shift is enough as a high performer to change everything. For most people, that 4% is actually too high. For half for high performers, they go far beyond it. I know in any kind of conversation like this with a high performer, I'm not looking for some big breakthrough. It's the tiniest of moments, a single distinction. One new way of seeing their world and their entire world shifts is

Four percent. It's a very tiny shift. And my sense is that You feel it right now, Kirsty. Whatever it's been for you. You don't have to put it into words right now. I'm not asking to articulate it, but my sense is it's a felt shift. It's visceral. Yeah. Yeah, it is.

It is. And it's like for me that shift is like um It's like the two the the metaphor of the two ships that set sail on what looks like a completely identical course and then it turns out there's a tiny, tiny difference in the course of one of them and before you know it um the two ships can't even see each other across the sea, you know, and and for me it yeah, there's there's been a

It's the default future and the creative future, right? That tiny, tiny difference at the beginning leads in huge, hugely different directions. Yeah, it is exciting. It's very exciting. Kirsty thank you for trusting me. Thank you for trusting me particularly when we had an audience today. you dive in that you all allowed your emotions to play out when you when you felt them. Thank you for trusting. Thank you for inviting me. For most of human history. It wasn't cold.

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