Greetings, Captain Footballland here! I have exciting things to report: our intrepid trio continue to fight for the greater footballing good – battling interminable desert sand storms, blistering temperature and general indifference – the park progress. Flying high above the footprint of Footballland I can imagine the splendour that awaits, which is good because it's just sand at the minute. BUT meanwhile our brave threesome not only continue the build, but bring us THREE new attractions too!!! ...
Jul 05, 2022•39 min•Season 2Ep. 42
Good day fair Footballlanders, Another glorious week of Footballland is upon us, and what a week of Footballland last week was, no? EXCITING NEWS ALERT!! We have broken ground! We think... (TBC) Either way Mark is out in Qatar, we think... (or Saudi Arabia (TBC)) and he's employed a local (TBC) building contractor/builder/man who is definitely doing stuff. Robbie Keane's Roly Poly Shooting Gallery Ryan brings us one of the most iconic and poorly executed celebrations in football BUT in the form ...
Jun 28, 2022•41 min•Season 2Ep. 41
Greetings Footballland Earholders! Well, we must apologise again, not sure to who, but to somebody for sure... Yes we've failed, yet again, to break ground on Footballland but we're not really worried because it's all sand and sand is dead easy to dig so, you know... In other news Anthony is having a lovely time in Hawaii as he makes his way "the other way" around the world back from Tuvalu, so as not to lose a day AND then there's the small matter of coming up with three excellent new rides too...
Jun 21, 2022•39 min•Season 2Ep. 40
Greetings Footballlanders, It's all kicking off in Tuvalu! Anthony has started the newest, spiciest rivalry in football. After beating them in an 11 vs 1 game, he has now started to berate them and insult them whenever possible. Needless to say, we've not started building yet BUT we did come up with three excellent new rides: Ten Hag Pin Bowling Man Utd have tried everything to not be sh*t recently, and failed, but it's possible that Anthony might have a solution for them – 46 pin bowling! What ...
Jun 14, 2022•34 min•Season 2Ep. 39
Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland Greetings Footballland Earholders! What a sunny day it is here in Western Samoa, Doha and Butlins Minehead respectively! The team at Footballland are working around the clock to bring you the first, best, biggest and only football themed theme park in Qatar, ready for the World Cup in 2022 in Qatar, in Qatar in 2022, in Qatar, and we've almost started building! The three bran...
Jun 07, 2022•42 min•Season 2Ep. 38
Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland Welcome one and all to Footballland! After a slight mix up two of the trio are in Goa, India, while our Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer Mark Davison is in Doha. So we've been left with no option but to delay the building of our theme park by yet another week. Instead, we have decided to come up with THREE brand new rides for the world's first football theme park, in Qatar, for t...
May 31, 2022•40 min•Season 2Ep. 37
Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland Hello from Saudi Arabia! The boys are in Saudi (although Mark is in fact in Qatar) to build the world's first football theme park in Qatar for the World Cup in Qatar in 2022 in Qatar, in Qatar! And what a theme park it's set to be. With over 200 rides and 17 different themed toilets there truly is something for everyone. And instead of building the thing this week, we decided...
May 24, 2022•38 min•Season 2Ep. 36
Greetings from Qatar! For the first time in Footballland history, the boys are in the Middle East! Anthony is in the Holiday Inn in Doha, Ryan is in The Marriott in Doha, and Mark is in Saudi Arabia. Time is really running out to build this park - at this rate we’re looking at building one ride per day before it opens - but Mark suggests we invent THREE more attractions this week before starting construction in earnest next Monday. Ashley Young Getting Bird Poo In His Mouth: The Ride Remember wh...
May 17, 2022•40 min•Season 2Ep. 35
Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland Finally something for the children! Paul Ince is in danger of being forgotten by the youth of today, so what better way to revive his playing career than by creating a giant inflatable side with the bloody headband he wore in Turin? Plus we immortalise the 7 (SEVEN) touches Romelu Lukaku made in a Premier League game against Crystal Palace with a brand new sport involving a j...
May 10, 2022•40 min•Season 2Ep. 34
Fair Bank Holiday my UK based earholders! (And to the rest of the world... er, hello and don't ask what a Bank Holiday is.) We did it again, didn't we? Yep, we only went and came up with THREE sexy new attractions! We don't care how close it's getting until we're supposed to be opening the park, because we KNOW we can get it done. Plus why deny the future patrons of Footballland three new sexy attractions. Right? A big thanks to Patreon Thomas Stirewalt, who returns to pitch. Would you like to p...
May 03, 2022•44 min•Season 2Ep. 33
Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland Good morrow Footballland Earholders! Can you believe there's only 210 days until the World Cup? Which means there's just 209 days until we need to have built Footballland, the world's first football themed theme park (we're building it a day earlier just in case people have already got to Qatar). This week we're excited to unveil THREE new rides, of which only one is a ride. ...
Apr 26, 2022•40 min•Season 2Ep. 32
Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland Happy Easter to all our Footballland Earholders! And a special Happy Easter to Patreon Graham Boosey, who pitches the grass roots experience HE DOESN'T WANT IT. Footballland is really taking shape now. With just 6 months until opening day we're proud to have designed nearly 200 rides directly or loosely related to football. And our Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer Mark Davison in...
Apr 19, 2022•42 min•Season 2Ep. 31
Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland Greetings Footballland Earholders, And a special Footballland greeting to those of you interested in seeing a Fox In The Box placed in a perspex box the size of a penalty box with an actual fox. Boy are you in luck this week! A huge thank you to our Patreon Thomas Stirewalt, who pitches The Time Waster, the world's first Diego Simeone simulator! Plus our intern Ryan introduce...
Apr 12, 2022•42 min•Season 2Ep. 30
Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland Greetings Footballland earholders! It’s another week of dreamweaving here at Footballland HQ. We’ve been accidentally given $1 billion by the state of Qatar to build the world’s first football theme park and by jove we’re spending that money wisely. Plastic surgery to make 5 tickling fetichists look like Chelsea manager Thomas Tuchel? CHECK. A giant velcro catapult to chuck m...
Apr 05, 2022•43 min•Season 2Ep. 29
Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland Greetings Footballland Earholders! And a special welcome to our new Patreon Thomas Stirewalt, who is the proud sponsor of our new car park (The Thomas Spirewalt Car Park, suitable for both cars and motorcycles and nocturnal nesting place of Pepe, should he so wish). Thanks, Thomas! This is an apt point to remind you that you can pitch a ride to us if you're a Patreon and we w...
Mar 29, 2022•41 min•Season 2Ep. 28
Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland Greetings Earholders! What a lovely day it is too, not least because you've got a brand new episode of Footballland ready to plug into your earholes! We have $1 billion dollars burning a hole in our pocket and we're about to spunk it all on some giant fibreglass faces of Harry Kane and Son Heung-Min! Here's the rides for your consideration today: The Kane And Sonbination Harr...
Mar 22, 2022•41 min•Season 2Ep. 27
Dear Lorders and Lorderesses of Footballland, We had another indulgent meeting this week – when we really should be cracking on with building the park – we just couldn't help ourselves. So yes, we've piled more pressure on ourselves by creating three more attractions that just have to be built. Klich Koch The Bielsa Clock This aspect of the park might not get used all that much because it's almost impossible to pronounce – even Ryan, the idiot that came up with the idea can't say it until about ...
Mar 15, 2022•45 min•Season 2Ep. 26
Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland Dear Earholders of Footballland and those fortunate enough to stumble across this recording. It's been another hugely successful meeting in the planning of the world's first football theme park in Qatar for the World Cup in Qatar, in Qatar (in Qatar). Mark has stopped calling it an 'improvised comedy podcast,' Ryan is making prototypes other than the Steve Mechanical Bull, an...
Mar 08, 2022•46 min•Season 2Ep. 25
Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland [Musical notes emoji] Footballland, FOOTBALLLAND. FOOOT BBAALLLL LAND [/Musical notes emoji] It's a serious business, creating the world's first football themed theme park in Qatar for the World Cup in Qatar in Qatar, but you know what? We had a right bloomin laugh making this episode. This week in Footballland we have the pleasure of unveiling THREE new attractions. They are...
Mar 01, 2022•42 min•Season 2Ep. 24
Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland Greetings Footballlanders! It took us until Episode 23 of season 2 to come up with a casino for Footballland. What have we called it? The Tony Cascacasino. The great news is that you're all invited to gamble there to your hearts' content. And if you're fortunate enough to be the last person into the park on any given day, you get to play our special new game - Full Ham. The r...
Feb 22, 2022•41 min•Season 2Ep. 23
Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland "Don't chat. Risk of death." Hello Footballlanders! The world's first football theme park is ever expanding and we are thrilled to announce TWO new rides from us and ONE from our patreon patron Calum Lightfoot! If you'd like your ride discussed on Footballland, then follow these easy steps: 1. Make sure you're a patron 2. Write down your ride idea using your computer. 3. Send...
Feb 15, 2022•32 min•Season 2Ep. 22
Greetings Footballland guests, patrons and earholders! There's a growing excitement here at Footballland HQ. The park is slowly taking shape. We haven't yet built anything as such, but if 90% of the work is in the design, then Footballland is 28% complete! We are thrilled to announce THREE more rides for your pleasure. Arsene Wenger's World Cup Mayhem Le Prof is a big advocate for ruining things by overdoing them - just look at his relentless lobbying for a World Cup every two years. Nobody but ...
Feb 08, 2022•45 min•Season 2Ep. 21
Greetings Footballlanders! Fantastic news! Over the weekend we chatted with a guy whose flatmate was from Qatar. He said that they’re counting down the days until the world’s first football theme park opens in their country, and all anyone can talk about is how many seconds they’re going to last on Steve Mechanical Bull. We’re beyond excited at bringing our vision to Doha, and all for the cut price of 1 billion dollars minus the price of a laptop and a nice pen. This week we’re proud to unveil T...
Feb 01, 2022•41 min
Greetings Footballlanders! After another fruitful meeting at Footballland HQ we are pleased to announce THREE new rides. OK, so one of them is just Chris Kamara solving park problems, so let's call it TWO new rides and ONE important piece of park infrastructure! This week the world's 2nd greatest footballer, Cristiano Ronaldo, returns to the park (after being fired off into space) with The Ronaldon't , a ride which challenges guests to be as far removed from Cristiano as humanly possible. Which ...
Jan 25, 2022•38 min•Season 2Ep. 19
Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland Welcome earholders, and general listeners to another week of theme park planning! We're one step closer to building Footballland, and we thank you for your support as we near the final stages. Mark, Anthony and Ryan are delighted to bring you THREE new attractions! The Mikel Ar-vet-a Yeah, you read that right - Mikel Ar-Vet-a. The world's first Mikel Arteta themed veterinary ...
Jan 18, 2022•39 min•Season 2Ep. 18
Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland Terry Venables , in a giant velcro fat suit , attached to a mile high crane , swinging through the park at midday every day singing 'We're All Going England Crazy' and taking anyone in his path with him. You in or what? Because that's the sort of billion dollar theme park we are. A park not afraid to pay El Tel's exorbitant wages while informing everyone that the afternoon ha...
Jan 11, 2022•38 min•Season 2Ep. 17
Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland Some new year resolutions are bigger than others. We're not belittling your yearly vow to drink 3 pints fewer per week before inevitably giving up by early Feb, but we have a serious resolution here at Footballland - to build the world's first football theme park in Qatar for the World Cup in Qatar this year in Qatar. If we don't, not only will we have let ourselves down, we'...
Jan 04, 2022•40 min•Season 2Ep. 16
Happy Nearly New Year! It's been a hectic year at Footballland HQ. We're so close to opening the world's first football theme park in time for the world cup 2022 in 2022 in Qatar in 2022, and we couldn't have done it without your help. Your ride ideas, your jingles, your many car parks have been invaluable, so a massive thank you for your support. In time honoured tradition, we've cobbled together a year-end best of Footballland. Three rides that in our opinion are the absolute bees knees, and C...
Dec 28, 2021•45 min•Season 2Ep. 15
Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland Merry Christmas! While you've been working hard, a glass of merlot in one hand, a block of brie in the other, we at Footballland have been preparing for the opening of Footballland in just 336 days time. And we were delighted to have the CEO of Hashtag United Spencer Owen in the Wayne Lineker testicle. Spencer created a football team from scratch so he's no stranger to imposs...
Dec 21, 2021•41 min•Season 2Ep. 14
Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland While No. 10 have been partying, your executives at Footballland have been knuckling down to design the world's first football theme park in Qatar in time for the World Cup 2022 in Qatar in Qatar. That's right - if this were a Zoom quiz, our specialist subject would be inventing FUN. And what's more fun than a giant fibreglass Steve Bruce with a working flushable toilet? Here...
Dec 14, 2021•38 min
