Eric , I stand before you , a pampered prince .
Sorry , that's just like from the get .
I am a pampered little prince .
You're my pampered little , you're my little princeling . What happened , Eric I ? How did your fortune turn .
Eric Matthew Shea has been to a spa . Oh my .
You been to a spa ?
Oh my , you went to a spa , I went to a spa .
I and I say this with utmost respect , just because I know you as a person could never fathom you going to a spa .
I have been to a spa .
How was it Tell me everything ? Did you go to Spa World ? Fuck , no , I went . Oh , goes to a spa spa . How was it tell me everything ? Did you go to spa world ? Fuck , no , I went .
Oh , goes to a spa once I went to the hershey spa oh shit , in hershey , pennsylvania . So here's how this came about , right yeah , yeah , yeah , tell me um , when ?
so for very , very long time , uh , lindsay , my sister-in-law and my mom have been talking about going to the Hershey spa , and so when they were all here like in the fall for Eric and my brother , Eric , uh , and and my sister-in-law to see the house and all this stuff , the subject came up and they've been trying to do this spa trip for ages , like literally
, like maybe 10 years , jesus .
Like a long time , didn't just real quick , didn't know ? Hershey had a spa .
I didn't know . There was like a At the Hershey .
The . I believe that there are spas around Hershey , but the Hershey spa .
I believe it's the spa at the Hotel Hershey is the name , the full name , but anyway , we're talking about and they were like we should finally do it around Christmas , when people are in town for Christmas .
And so a bit begins of like , well , maybe we should all go , like my dad and my brother and me as well , and my dad , of course , is like no , no , no , no , and Eric's like quiet dad grumbling Loud big brother grumbling Exactly . But I say I was like , no , I'll go .
Let's do it .
And to my surprise , everyone else was like , okay , oh shit , they called the bit Well , I would . I thought I was calling their bluff like you wanted all the men to be like I'm not going , and so I thought I was calling their bluff by being like I'll go and so .
But then when my mom and lindsey and everybody and we're like yeah , I think it'd be cool , I think you'd'd love a spa , and I was like , okay , fine , fuck it . Like sure , if we're doing this , I'll do it , why not ?
And when I say like I never envisioned you going to a spa in nothing to do with like masculinity and like oh I don't know and everything to do with your comfort zones , with being around like Human , beings yes . Yes .
Well , so I had a being touched by them . Yes .
Being in the semi-nude .
I had a little , Okay . Well , first of all , I've performed naked before .
Well that , but you'll do anything for work For a buck .
You'll do anything for . Well , that does Once you do a play that involves you being naked in a freezing cold bathtub . You're pretty chill with pretty much most things .
Yeah , everything's just downhill after that .
Yeah , but for me you did hit the nail on the head . It was the touching . I was like I've never had a professional massage and and mostly because I'm like I get a little weird weirded out by like just strangers just coming into- physical contact , it's a perfectly reasonable feeling to have so so .
So I had some nerves about it , but you know , I hey , I did it . And , eric , I'm here to tell you what you think . I'm a spa man hell yes , brother , I would eric , let me tell you this I was made for the spa life , all right god , paint me this picture I'm gonna paint you this picture , so okay . So I arrive . Uh , we , we arrive .
I have to be escorted over to the , to the men's dressing room , and so I get in my robe with which to walk around the place . I've been informed that I can dress down , to quote my level of comfort Nice , so , just to maintain other people's feelings , maybe I keep some underwear on , but otherwise it's just me and my robe . Hell dog people's feelings .
Maybe I keep some under . I keep some underwear on , but otherwise it's just me and my rope . Hell dog Love that .
Which is one of the most comfortable configurations I could ever exist in , Just like me , but sans being straight nude with robe , boxers and robe peak relaxation around the house .
So and so then I got to go up , so I I had two services on the docket . I had a 80 minute massage , oh dog . In the morning Chocolate massage .
It is the Hershey Spa , and then Do they rub like cocoa beans and shit into your body ?
And then my second service was a chocolate fondue wrap . This sounds dope . And then my second service was a chocolate fondue wrap . This sounds dope . And I didn't know what the fuck that was going to be . But I and I'll be honest , I'm not too proud to say was I led on by the words chocolate fondue ? Yes , I was . Yeah , yes I was .
Did I understand in my head and in my heart that I would not be eating or consuming chocolate fondue ? Yes , I did know that , but nevertheless , that's where it led me .
You have a moral obligation when certain things are pitched .
So once I get the tour of the place , I'm taken to the dressing room , I change into my robe and then I began to meander about the grounds until I am told I can come . So there's two rooms , yep , so they'll come find you . That's the thing . You don't have to be anywhere , they'll find you .
God , I love that , and you can just go wherever you want to go .
My nightmare is having to wait in a spot for any amount of time .
So the three main areas they're going to check are the aromatherapy room , the quiet room , which is the main waiting area , and then the silent room . Not to be confused with the quiet room , the silent room Tell me everything . So I go up , of course , to the quiet room , yes , to see what's on offer there .
And what's on offer there is , you know , they got some muffins and things and some coffee , and they also have cocoa . And I say , well , I'm here , eric , I'm here at the Hershey Spa , got to , I got to get this cocoa , eric . I'm here , eric , I'm here at the Hershey Spa , got to , I got to get this cocoa , eric . I cannot stress this enough .
It was the best hot chocolate that I have ever had in my life . And I cannot tell you how many cups of this cocoa I consumed throughout the day . Of this cocoa I consume throughout the day , when I Eric , when I tell you that I , when my cup runneth empty , I went right back for more cocoa . But I don't have to go to the quiet room .
They got it stationed all over the place . Fuck yeah , just wherever you turn , here's another cocoa dispenser .
That is . I've got to take Alyssa there now . It's Eric Ericic . It's so good . I want to experience this . It's so good . Tell me about the . Yeah , very expensive .
Oh , I from everything you've described , yeah very expensive , yeah , but , but it was very , very nice , so , okay . So then I'm in the choir room . Yeah , I'm sit , I sit down with my cocoa . All the girls are off in the women's dressing room , right , yeah , so I don't .
I'm on my own at this moment , and eventually they too are led up here , just as I was , and I have to tell you , lindsay sees me from across the room , sitting in my pink robe , yep , with my cup of cocoa , your little prince and she just starts laughing immediately .
I was like it's just the sight of me , and she was like I have never seen you so at peace , and I have seen you sitting in this quiet room in front of a fireplace . Three decades .
It took In a robe . We cracked the code , sipping away at a little prince Sitting away at a little prince . A little Hershey prince .
I come and I am retrieved by Kyle , who is my masseuse , monsieur . So he takes me back to the massage parlor and I guess I guess for 80 minutes he works me . But it didn't feel like 80 minutes , I'll tell you that right now .
It took me some time to really , like you know , relax into it , give myself over to Kyle Surrender to the experience of Kyle Surrender to Kyle , I like to imagine , and he just leans down .
He's like surrender to me . And I'll say this hell of a pair of hands oh yeah , mad respect , dude , like mad respect for any like masseuses . Dude , like I can't imagine the stamina it takes , so anyway , so there's .
I mean , there's not much to say about the massage . It's a massage and it rules it's my first . One was great dude they're so good , fucking love the thing .
You almost feel like kind of sore afterwards . You're like Jesus Christ , all this stuff's waking up .
Just me , just fucking nude , covered in cocoa oil . Hell yeah , dog , it was great , it turns out , and the way he was working my shoulders and stuff , I was like I could feel the knots . Eric Knots , I didn't even know were there , yep , but yeah , I'll date kyle's like oh , kyle found him .
Oh , my son , my blessed son , and I was like I know I'm gonna be sore tomorrow by just how much he's working this , but I was like man right now . It's a good sore , it feels great and much like when I did the sensory deprivation tank , the floating tank , which I absolutely love .
I wanted to do one of those so bad . Oh , I'll do one with you . Oh , hell yeah , dude , let's do that before we go see Nosferatu .
Let's go . I didn't even have the . Some people talk about the hallucinogenic effect you can have . I didn't even have that . Just the pain relief from the floating spot was enough for me to be like I'll come back . Yeah , 100% , come back . Anyway , kyle works me .
Then we have the buffet lunch , which is it's not all you can eat buffet , but it's all like healthy . You know stuff Nice , it was delicious , and I'll say this healthy . You know stuff nice , it was delicious , and I'll say this this is much like when I told you about my first time in the quiet car and ham track .
The way I adjusted to the spa life was made clear to me in the buffet because we're sitting there , we're eating , everybody else is there in our everyone's in robes , and then this couple comes in , eric , fucking clothed , and I couldn't help but look at them with suspicion yeah , and not to yuck anyone's yum , but ew , ew I literally was like ew , I like leaned
over to my mom , my sister-in-law and lindsey and was like what do you think their deal is ? like what are you new ? What are they doing here ? Like god damn , what are those jeans ?
jesus christ , I'm sitting here with my orzo and my balls out especially like , like physically recoiling from the sight of their denim . Oh , oh , oh the vibrations , anyway .
So then I have my wrap , which and for a while there was a sizable gap in between the two things and the silent room is just like the quiet room , except no talking at all is permitted , just nothing . And so people are just like in chairs , just asleep , just conked out , yeah , but there's not a lot of seating there .
So at a certain point and I didn't bring a book or anything because I didn't realize there'd be such time , so without a book , I was like actually I don't want to go to sleep , because you know how I am with naps , I'll get all groggy . Yeah , yeah , yeah . So I was like I'm just going to leave the silent room and open up a seat for somebody else .
And so then I just start wandering around , eric , I'm just looking out windows at the vast gardens of the Hershey Hotel , pondering , going to the aromatherapy room where there was another gentleman who was just fucking asleep , and so I'm just sitting in a nice smelly room with an asleep man and both of us are just naked in robes , bro , I love everything about
this for you . and so then I have my wrap , which they put chalk . To put it in a nutshell , because I know I'm going on and on , I get wrapped in , I get put in chocolate fondue , and by who you ask , they dipped you in chocolate . Let me ask , let me tell you something who is serving me this wrap ? It's Kyle . It's Kyle again I'm back with Kyle .
So Kyle rubs me down with chocolate fondue , wraps me up in cellophane literally in cellophane and then covers me in these heavy blankets and then just leaves the room for 10 minutes .
Let you marinate .
Just lets me marinate . And then this , in many ways , is the best part he covers my eyes with a towel , not my nose and my mouth , because this is very important . It now becomes time to wash off everything and what they do . I'm lying down , eric , and they bring over this apparatus .
They , they being kyle , yeah , brings over this god among men that is essentially a seven head shower . Head oh , that's just the length of my body , that they're just that . He just like it's . I'm literally just getting a shower laying down and they keep the towel over my eyes , not my nose , my mouth , because otherwise waterboarding .
Yeah , the exact thought . The second you said not covering your mouth and nose , like yeah , because then they'd be waterboarding , they'd be waterboarding .
But let me tell you something I knew I wasn't being waterboarded because I cracked those eyelids a little bit and when he was bringing the apparatus by my face , oh , kyle put a little hand in front of my mouth . He put a little hand up , a little guard . Kyle protected , kyle , protected .
Kyle dried the floor and then made a path of towels to the door so I could walk right out . It was delightful . It was delightful , it was delightful , and I'm here to tell you , eric that . I am made for the spotlight . My good bitch , Eric , and I will shit you not . No less , no less than 10 , 12 cups of cocoa .
My man , my prince .
No , I am serious . That cup would be empty and I'd be like , oh , looks like it's cocoa o'clock .
Cocoa oh Kyle , oh Kyle .
Kyle , if you would be so kind , please . Well , hello everybody and welcome to you . Didn't Ask for this , the podcast that answers life's least pressing questions . My name is the pampered prince matthew shea , and uh , who's this over ?
here I am , his consort , eric poach .
Eric poach , yes , thank you , thank you , yes , for being here among me the posh . Your eminence , should we just jump right the fuck in , eric ?
Speaking of dads . Speaking of dads . Dads have come up a lot so far .
We have a very important question because it's critical . I would say it's critical and personal . It came up in the discord the Udaf discord that DairyKing11 , also known to you and I as Eric to Erica Yep DairyKing11 asked us a question . That BitFree honors me yeah , truly . He says I just had a baby boy .
My question for you guys is what is some fatherly advice I should give him first , that is huge .
We're talking foundation , laying fatherly advice .
Particularly because , at least at this moment in time , neither Eric nor I are fathers .
No , moment in time , neither eric nor I are fathers . No , and and assuming the that my my surgeon brock knew what he was doing when he gave me the snip , that will not be on the timeline for me .
Sure , I believe it's reversible if you're , you change your mind . But yes , but if he knew his business well , I wasn't going to say that for you . But yeah , you've been snipped , I've been snipped , baby Snipped and clipped . So that office is closed ? Yeah , it remains very much a possibility for me , however , not at this moment , right now .
I'm looking around here . I see a portrait of Samuel Beckett behind me . I don't see a child .
I don't see child . I don't see child . I don't see picture . I don't see child . I just see an old , old irish man , I'll see what I show you .
What I do have here is oh , what's this , what's this ? Is it a you daft hoodie ? Oh , yeah , plug it , plug it hoodie , our merch , now available at you . Didn't ask for thiscom slash shop , absolutely , it is .
Wait , the same Yadaf merch shop which you can get 20% off of all merch if you , you know , subscribe to our highest Patreon tier of four measly dollars a month .
Four measly dollars a month . Patreoncom slash youdontaskforthis the very the self-same Eric , god damn . Anyway , that's enough of the plugs because , eric , it's time to get about down the baby tax . Yes , the king himself , derrick king 11 , asked us in our discord exclusively access through patreon , access for fatherly advice , eric and eric , first .
First of all , we always talk about all hail the king baby for derairy King 11 . But seriously , eric of the De'Erico variety , a hearty congratulations to you and the Dairy Queen . Long may you reign .
Long may you reign . Nothing but health and happiness to you and yours , until the end of time .
And to your baby boy yeah , baby boy , no name included here . So baby boy . Yeah , baby boy , no name included here . So , eric , I think we should probably make one up .
Oh , 100% what you got , derek Derek , derek to Eric-o .
Derek to Eric-o yeah .
You looked so fucking insulted and then you heard the whole name eric derrick to erico eric to erico derrick , eric to erico yes , yes , derrick eric to erico the second . The second turns out his old man just goes by his middle name . So , uh , or even better , he's .
He's not actually the second , but the second is part of the name he's not a junior , he's the second little little derrick . Eric to erico , it's us your funcles your funcles here .
You didn't ask for , you didn't ask for these uncles and you got them baby . Yep , here we are . So , eric , what ? What fatherly advice can we , can we give ? I feel that the pressure's on us , eric , oh yeah and I want to fuck this up .
It's worth noting there's first fatherly advice , but I think we can all agree that , like , until a certain age , advice isn't even on the table , because until a certain age it's just instructions to keep the child alive . Correct , don't touch that , don't put that in your mouth . That's not advice . No , no , no , no .
But there will come a time . He did ask for fatherly advice that he should give him first Yep . But I don't think . Don't touch the stove is included . No , he's got that .
That's just good advice . That's just good advice , that's just survival tactics when I think of fatherly advice .
I know I've mentioned this on the podcast before , but it's been a long time and you certainly don't remember . I think of a moment that I was just joking around with my dad One Christmas , as a matter of fact . Remember .
I think of a moment that I said I was just joking around with my dad one christmas , as a matter of fact , yeah , I was home from either college or just home for the holidays and I was saying , like you know , I don't think this , uh , being an adult thing's working out so great for me . I'd like to cancel my subscription .
Yuck , yuck , yuck , yuckuck , hyuck . And my dad responded with well , I guess that's why ostriches stick their heads in the ground , and I've never forgotten it . You want to know what one from ?
my old man I've never forgotten . Give me that gem . One day my dad was doing Rick Poach stuff Classic . He's great , he's funny , he's dry humor . And I hit him with a very sarcastic . I was like man , I don't know what mom ever saw in you , and obviously in a joking way .
And he responds with well , you know , I was a gentleman , I respected her , I loved her and I can part my hair with my tongue . I respected her , I loved her and I can part my hair with my tongue . Fucking got it Like I spat out whatever I was drinking . He always hits me out of left field with that shit .
It's . It's so good to know your dad finishes the job you know , I'm just happy to hear it Fellas finish the job . Anyway , here's what I'll say . Yeah On that note , a great , great memory . If they let my parents don't actively listen to the pod , I think every now and then they'll turn on an episode , and if this is one of them .
What a treat what a , what a treat ?
because a few years ago we were home and there was some it was like an old spice commercial or something where there was somebody on a horse and he with a woman and the phrase riding bareback came up in the commercial .
I can see the T rising out of the ground . Ball top it Out of the ground .
Ball . To top it , my dad , who has not said , who's just sitting in the corner with his scotch and hasn't said a word in probably an hour goes . I'd like to ride her bareback . Got him and then , from across the room , my mom raises her champagne and goes go for it . Oh , oh , my God , it's such a treasured memory , god , it's so good .
My mom , nonplussed , is like go for it , shoot your shot . My guy , my guy and Lindsay was in the room and she was flabbergasted by this whole Incredible . Incredible .
Oh , my God , Cheers , fatherly advice , fatherly advice , so , and I think I feel like the realm , I think like fatherly advice starts around middle school , ish . Yeah , like between the ages of like 10 and 12 is when it starts , I think . So here's Funkle Eric's Funkle Eric . First piece of fatherly advice .
The rarest of Funko .
Pops . This is legit . What I would , a good piece of advice I would give young Derek Eric De'Erico , derek , eric De Derek , derek , eric Derek . There is a difference between being nice and being kind . Absolutely Nice is how things are presented . It is how it is the I've .
I've heard it expressed as the gift , it is the wrapping paper that your actions come in , and some people who I've worked for , people who have done the worst things to me , did them very nicely .
And there is a world of difference between doing something nicely and doing someone a kindness and you will spend your whole life learning to spot the difference , to to quote the late great steven sondheim via into the woods .
Nice is different than good here here , here here , little red , and that is , that is something very honestly , very important to to instill in somebody , because I think it is an important lesson to learn like legitimately , absolutely and funny , free , you know , yeah , yeah , because people will kill you with a smile , you know they really will .
Oh yeah .
They'll disrespect you with a smile .
Oh yeah , they'll purr my last email you with a gleaming , glittering princely smile .
Well , let's not bring in your work drama to this , okay , yeah , absolutely . I think that . I think that is important to know . Nice , different than good . It's . It's honestly . It's hard because I want to come up with something meaningful , but I'm also like trying to project myself into fatherhood , which is fucking with me a little bit .
Not going to lie to you , yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , I'll say some things that I say to my turtle . You know you're going to want to bask . Make sure you get some basking time . Take the moments , take the moment . Take the bask in the moment . Bask in the moment that's what I say to my 30-year-old turtle . Bask in the moment . Take the moment .
Bask in the moment . Bask in the moment that's what I say to my 30-year-old turtle , bask in the moment . And let me tell you something he does for 10 , 12 hours a day .
You have to take the moment . You got to bask in existence . Take the moment .
I'd say and this is true , and this is advice I probably haven't heeded very well myself Don't be afraid of failure , but don't be afraid to learn from it . Either yes , or don't be afraid of failure , but be prepared to learn from failure .
Because you will always be learning . You will spend every moment of your life learning something . It's up to you whether the lesson sticks . That's right , Eric ?
that's right .
Thank you , Matt .
Now , eric , those are some meaningful things that we've said . Yeah , sure , but I think I know what Eric to Erica is really . After , he wants us to be able to provide a sort of checklist .
I think to a certain extent .
Okay , like what films need to be introduced at an early age , would you think ? Oh ?
Back to the Future , well , sure .
Or Lord of the Rings , I think and you'll know when the time is right . Derrick King 11 . You got to sit your boy down and say I'm going to introduce you to something called Monty Python and the Holy Grail . Yes , and you're going to experience it , and you're going to have one of two reactions , either the correct one or the wrong one .
Yep .
And that's how we're going to know whose kid you are .
That's what you say . That's what you say to your child , Derek Eric Jericho .
It's just what we call raises the stakes . Yes , raises the stakes .
He's got to know they're there , he's got to know they're there , because at some point you realize , oh shit , I didn't know that .
I could be . You're either laughing at the holy hand grenade of Antioch or you're foolish .
Yes , oh , also watch Paddington .
Watch Paddington Paddington 2 . I'm told is one of the greatest . Oh , you haven't seen it . I haven't seen it yet . Don't come for me .
I'm not , this isn't about us . And our later argument this isn't about us , this is about our , our , our fun little nephew , derrick eric de erico . Derrick eric de erico , and man , it just rolls off , it just . And I , derry king , truly I am so sorry if you were listening this and now regretting whatever you actually named your kid .
Because we just sort of knocked it out of the park and I'm going to have to send you a message just to confirm that your son's name is not Derek . Because , if so , this whole episode is going to be bleeped to high hell .
And also there is a lesson here I am and , and , and also there is a lesson here Always be learning . When your son inevitably listens to this and he realizes his name could have been Derek Eric De'Erico .
Derek Eric he will learn a very valuable lesson and , honestly , this is the scary part , because this is this is a , this is a life lesson that you could give to your son , but more than likely , through life experience , he will have to learn on his own . His father is a mortal man . He is human , he makes mistakes , he doesn't know everything .
How dare you say that about Derry King 11 ?
I know , but how dare you say that about Derry King ?
11 ? I know , but how dare you reveal these secrets ? It's like Puxatawney Phil you have to keep up the illusion . The suspension of disbelief .
Derek Eric DeErico , your father is an immortal god and will never die , god of lactose yes , god commands such cows .
A user handle .
we've never pretended to understand , oh yeah , but it's perfect , we don't need to we don't need to . All hail the king baby . I'll say this , another piece of fatherly advice . Tell me you did mention it is a boy . It's a boy child To be a man uh , oh , we're getting into this now kid , kid , kid . Feel your feelings , boy .
You , you there , boy , nephew , feel your feelings , feel those .
That's it because you're , because , like society and and all the social programming that everyone around you , all of us , we're all guilty of , it will try to convince you that feeling your feelings is bad and that you should hide them , and that having feelings somehow makes you less or weak or wrong . And they do not .
Feeling your feelings is a human fucking process . You are going to feel your feelings no matter what . So feel them in the way that helps you , feel them in the way that opens you to love and support from everyone around you .
But don't hide them , don't bury them , don't hide them , no matter what anybody else says , and I'll tell you this . Derek Eric to Erica , this is coming from someone who was mercilessly made fun of for crying constantly in the playground as an elementary school student . And look at me , now I have a podcast , a podcast with dozens , technically , of patrons .
Who can say how many groupings of patrons we have ? We're incredible . We have arrived , Derek .
Eric Derrico , and we have taken that playground bullying and we have leveraged it into comedy .
We've leveraged it into comedic timing , which I don't have to tell you this Derek , eric and Eric can't be taught .
No , goodness , no , but you've got it , kid Yo , you've got it , you've got it , you've got it .
You've got it , God you've got it . Anyway , this is a message for you circa 11 years from now or so .
Sincerely your funcles .
Matt and Eric , Matt and Eric , Matt and Eric Derek , Eric Derek and DerekKing11 . I hope we've answered the question . The best to you and yours . Long may you reign , and to the queen DerekQueen11 .
Oh , my god Hail the queen , Hail the queen baby . Oh hail the queen . Oh , we should do a follow-up at some point . We should also give motherly advice at some point .
Oh well , we have to be asked , we have to be asked , nobody's asked us . Nobody's asked us Interesting , curious . Eric , you want to give us our next question .
Yes , I do , my man . This comes from at alwaysacookie on Instagram , which you may remember as a former guest of the show , Andy . Andy Rawlings From across the pond .
Eh , from across the pond , across the pond , we taste some biscuits with him , didn't we ? Oh yeah , we dipped the biscuit , had a little joffle cake and tea did we had a little , a little jelly , jelly jam jams and some sip sips best to you and the bird there , andy sorry I was .
I was primed for this because you can't just say in it , by the way , just out of context oh bit sad , isn't it ?
yeah , you gotta add some words uh so andy asks yeah , let's get serious . Let's get serious , let's be mature yeah what's the proper etiquette for letting someone know their zipper is down ? Thank you , he comes in with some fucking like andy will just always a cookie swinging from the rafters , just like throwing hail . Mary good questions absolutely .
Uh , it's , it's . It is a delicate question because , like , let's say you're , I feel like if it's you , you know , if it's someone close to me , it's very easy I'll just you know , oh yeah , get you close and be like hey , by the way , oh man , I'll stick my finger in there , go .
What do we got going on here ? That that is . That is absolutely a thing . I don't know if you experience this with with your dude friends when , like in high school and shit nobody has ever stuck their fingers in my fly no .
But if , if , oh , no , but just if it's one of your closest friends , there's no like they will say like oh , oh , what's this , what's all this ? Then my friends would call immediate loud attention to it .
Yeah , for sure .
Because they're dicks .
No , if I ever see you with your zipper down , I'm 100% taking these two fingers and going like oh what we got going on here . Percent taking these two fingers and going like , oh what we got going on here . What's that ? You little john thomas there trying to peek his way out ? Oh , is that malcolm ?
and donald bain . Why do you ?
always do that . Every single time , you make a obscure reference to the scottish play , in reference to your balls and your penis .
It's for like the one or two people that that will catch off guard and they'll just go you just the consistency with which you return to this bit .
I just don't understand .
Let's gilgalad englofen . Do that's for the other ones , for the lord of the Rings , jesus Christ ? Oh , tom Bombadil and Goldberry . So yeah , obviously , but this is , I think this question is asking like if it's your friend or someone you know , you do it in the loudest , funniest way possible . This is about a rando . Let's say , yeah , rando .
Well , first of all , it depends on how rando . So what if we ? Because , because , like , if they're a random enough person , I'm like I do not feel comfortable . Well , yeah . Or similarly , passing some asshole on the street and it flies down , I'm just going to be like , hey , I'll figure it out .
Well , what I'm thinking of is if they're not so random . Thinking of is if they're not so random .
I'm thinking like if I'm at some sort of networking event and there's a , let's say , just to put it in our context , yeah , an artistic director of a theater or managing director of a theater , and I see their flies down , I'd be terrified to to be like hey , by the way , just so you know X , y , z , my man .
Yeah , oh , God , Off the bat . I will never in this cow . I will never hit him with an X , Y , Z , no one has ever authentically said X , Y , Z to someone else . Maybe just a play like hey , is that your dick ?
Couldn't help but notice your dick's out . What , oh my fly's undone , that'll do it . That'll do it . It'll get you on a list .
Yeah , is your name Victor Frankenstein , because you are hanging brain , my man Dude .
You are hanging brain , my man . Wait , wait , wait , wait , wait , wait , wait . You hear that Sounds like chickens . Barn door must be open , my guy .
Ooh , that's good . God Is it , is it ? I love it . Hey , how about this ? How about this ?
You just lean in close and go open the pod bay doors , Hal . I'm afraid I can't do that , Dave , they're already open . They're all very open .
Very good , I'd hit him with a . Just wave my hand vaguely and like , respectfully but vaguely , towards the direction of their midsections . Go melon , speak friend , and the door will open respectfully but vaguely , towards the direction of their midsections .
Go Melon , speak friend , and the door will open oh someone's already been to Moria I see , I'll grab a friend or a random person and say one of us can tell the truth and one of us always lies , and your fly is open .
They'll look , they'll have to see . Do you know what I will do , though ? I have done this and it works . Tell me I will , without even looking at the person who's flies down . I will , I'll notice , I've noticed I'm like locked , and then I will wait for my opening .
You have to and this is like you have to you have to use all your powers of reading the room to as as as casually as you can , not making a big loud deal of it , not to . This has to appear 100% natural . I will suddenly turn and go oh man , just noticed my fly was down , and that will cause them to instinctively check theirs , check theirs .
Yep , yep because the second your fly , of course , is not down .
No , we think we assume a little , a little pantomime a little slight of hand a little pantomime and uh , and because I don't know about and so mime , anytime anyone's ever like had , like anytime someone's pointed out that someone's zippers down in front of me or someone's been like , oh shit , my zipper's down , I instinctively check mine yeah .
So you just hit them with a little oh shit , my fly's dead , and then they'll . They will check like , oh , mine too . And then you can actually have a like . You might even have a little laugh about that . You might even get in good with this artistic director . This is how the wheels are greased .
What if you lean in close and you say something like because if you did want to address it , you lean in close , you say something like man who died and they say what are you talking ? I don't know what are you talking about . Oh , I just thought you'd know , since you're at half mast .
Ooh good match Quality . Do you know what my brain wrote when you teed that up ? Tell me here's like oh , who died ? Oh , what is it ? It was like smells like fucking rotten ass dick in here . Lie down , you piece of shit , you dumbass . Would that be what you teed up ? You awful person ? Oh , my God , everyone .
Look , this guy's dick is out it smells like rotten dick .
Smells like rotten dick . Yeah , you got any more zipper bits got any more zipper bits we can throw andy's way , or do you think we've exhausted this line of answering ?
I think , I think we did a good job . I think we did a great job .
We did a phenomenal job which means it's it's time to transition now to our closing segment , oh which I don't know what it is , but you do , and that's interesting , eric always gives me pause it's just coming to me that I don't know why you wouldn't know . I'm just checking my sent text messages here .
I'm just trying to see if I can figure out , let's see . Hey , what do you want to do for the closer ? Any ideas there ? Give any thought to sunday ? No response . So I was forced , eric , without your participation in this podcast , to come up with a pop quiz . Get fucking hold on , even though the last time we did a pop quiz I was also quizzing you .
What were you oh ? Yeah , but here we are again , and in the same vein as my celebrity houses , I said that .
I thought that would be fun , because I don't really expect you to get these right Like . This is more in the . You didn't ask for this .
Here's some knowledge , but you get to guess first vein , right , yeah , except this time , eric , I would say that would be the same thing , but because of the level of disrespect I received , I'm going to go ahead and say I will judge you . Okay , get these right .
okay , oh so we are saying the quiet parts out loud . Now we're saying the quiet parts .
Okay , another piece of advice derrick eric de erico , say the quiet parts out loud sometimes yeah , and so this , and for no particular reason , I'm gonna call this pop quiz famous last words oh , hell , yeah , okay what I . What I have here , eric , is a collection of 10 quotes that are attributed as these very famous people's .
Okay , final words yep , on this planet . I'm gonna give you the quote and , in certain circumstances , the circumstance , because it's necessary , uh , and you're gonna give me a guess as to who it is I and I'm I'm legitimately so excited for this .
I fucking love quotes and I love last words and I have a few of these that honestly , I expect I would expect that you do know . Oh , so I'm gonna start you with with two that you should know ?
Fuck , don't tell me this is from my impudence . Okay , this is your punishment . Yes , my prince , so this first one .
The final words in question is no , you certainly can't . And that was in response to Nellie Connelly saying you can say dallas doesn't love you .
Honorific um , yes , nelly connelly hinsley dallas doesn't love you , honorific and again , the final words are no , you certainly can't damn .
Oh , I feel like I laid on the hints pretty thick on this one , eric .
I can't see it , tell us . Just clarify this isn't sports related , is it ? This is not sports okay , okay , wait , wait and you , there's an honorific uh , you certainly can't say dallas doesn't love you honorific .
Was this a bush ? Was this a bush ? Yeah , as in george george one of the presidents yeah was this bush senior ? Is that your guess ?
yeah , because it wouldn't be junior .
He's still alive well , thank you , eric . Um no , eric , it was not hw , but it was a president god damn it no , you certainly can't , are the final words of president john f kennedy in response to governor connelly's wife , nelly connelly , saying you certainly can't say dallas doesn't love you mr president okay , you know , oh , you know .
Okay . Now , my see , what my brain did is . I was locked so hard into oh , oh , someone is dying . They know they're dying and these are their last words .
Oh , they didn't know they were dying .
But now I see what is on the table and I respect , because for a second I was about to get so in danger I was like those weren't his last words . He didn't have it , oh the last words he spoke .
Those are the last words he is known to have spoken Yep , yep , okay . Fair , Fair Now this next one even more If he was even there that day .
Go on .
What the ?
Sorry , I had to throw off that rhythm you built up Of anyone involved .
He was there Of the key players of the John F Kennedy assassination . I'm just , he was there , I'm just saying I wasn't there . No , you weren't . You weren't there .
Eric , you're out of your depth .
Do not get me started on this . You're being punished .
Sorry , forgive this in my eminence . Go on Okay .
This next one , eric , is both historical and theatrical . Okay , it is an actual quote and it is also a very famous theatrical line . So for those reasons , I expect you to know it . Yes , more weight .
That is Giles Corey as portrayed in the Crucible . But yes , he was being crushed to death for being of being accused of being a witch .
Eric nailed it . Yeah , it is Giles Corey , both in the Crucible and in real life . While he was being pressed to death , to fucking death , it took hours during the Salem with witch trials . He said more weight what a badass motherfucker .
and I I read up on this one of the reasons that they believe that like a no matter what . It is incredibly badass .
But another layer to it which I find absolutely fascinating and speaks to the character of this human being if , if he admitted to being a witch , his property , his properties , including his land , the house his family lived in , could be seized by the state because he had confessed to a crime .
By not confessing to a crime he did like they were the he he wasn't like . They didn't convict him , they just killed a guy . Eric , I'm proud of you , yeah , I'm proud of you .
Yeah , I'm proud of you and I release you from your penitence . Oh fuck , yes . Now this next one . I do have a few that are related to well , I guess they're all related to death , but related to being killed . Okay , okay , this next one . While being possibly the most badass final words of all time . Okay , okay , this next one .
While being possibly the most badass final words of all time . Okay , while being burned to death on a gridiron , this individual said you can flip me over now , I'm done on this side , ah .
Oh wow , I know I have . I've heard that one .
It's a famous one .
It's a famous one , my brain immediately wants to go to the world of antiquity , but I don't believe that's . It Burned to death on a gridiron , so this wouldn't have been a public . See , if it was a public execution , last words , it would have probably been from antiquity .
Eric , I will tell you this right now it's a public execution .
It's a public execution . Okay , burn to death on a gridiron . I'm going to say it's one of the famous philosophers , it was like someone or a mathematician . I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that it was not Pythagoras . I don't remember how he died , but there was the . I remember there was a philosopher who was burned to death on a gridiron .
Burned to death on a gridiron , I'm going to say Archimedes .
Archimedes . You are in sort of the ballpark , Eric , but you are not right . It's St Lawrence . These are the final words of St Lawrence , one of the famous Christian martyrs .
And her famous machine .
Yes , absolutely so , and I've got another one here . Okay , After stepping on their executioner's foot . I didn't do that on purpose .
Oh , I was reading about this one .
Yes , they stepped , they stepped on their executioner's foot and then turned to said executioner and said I didn't do that on purpose .
Oh , it was either Charlemagne or Robespierre . I'm going to say Robespierre .
It's neither . But you're right about the French part it's Marie Antoinette .
Marie Antoinette ? Oh yes , because Robespierre did apologize to this guy , but it wasn't because of that . It was they had broken his fucking jaw and had it wrapped up in a bandage and he dripped blood on the guy and he's like no .
Well , his jaw was broken the night before . Yes , it's kind of mysterious circumstances , yes , uh , and Assassin's Creed unity play on those circumstances . But anyway , marie Antoinette , the next neighborhood the next one , eric , also a little bit on the historical side . Okay , I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have .
These are last words . These are last words and I'll say once I reveal who said this haunting , haunting .
I will . I had an initial thought .
Let me know if you need any of these quotes again .
Give me the quote one more time .
I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have . Adolf Hitler .
Jesus Christ , Eric Is that your guess . That sounds like the kind of shit he would think to say after having committed atrocities of an unfathomable scale .
No , I don't think , eric , I'm not you're wrong , obviously , after having committed atrocities of an unfathomable scale . No , I don't think , eric , I'm not , you're wrong . Obviously , I don't think anyone really knows his last words , considering he committed suicide in a bunker .
Well , that's what I'm saying . I know he's in a bunker with some people . I don't know what his last words , just one person , just just uh . Ava . Oh right , they killed everyone else . No , Eric killed everyone else .
no god , what a piece of shit I have offended god and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have . The final words of leonardo da vinci oh yes , it's that interesting . I was close , you were close . This next one , eric , is a playwright . Okay , I'll give you that hint as a playwright .
And this is in response to his wife telling him he looks like he's improving . On the contrary , on the contrary . And then he fucking died playwright .
Wife said he looked like he was improving . So he was on the contrary . Died tennessee williams . Tennessee williams not bad guess , but it except for the wife part with tennessee . Died Tennessee Williams .
Tennessee Williams . Not a bad guess , but it except for the wife part with Tennessee Williams . I couldn't remember if he had a wife . Hendrick Ibsen . It was Hendrick Ibsen's last words , and I'm going to jump out of order because here's another playwright one , and I think you'll know this one , but I'm not 100% sure you will .
Especially considering my track record thus far . My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death . One or the other of us has to go . That um , um , yes , yes , yes , yes , yes wrote uh importance of being earnest , correct , fucking . Uh , oh god , oh god , I , he's one of my , he's so good . Uh , he was Scottish , he was gay .
When he came into a port of authority once they said do you have anything to declare ? And he said nothing but my brilliance . It is . Oh , oh , oh God . Sorry to everyone who's screaming it at their radio right now , I'm so bad with names . It is . Don't you fucking tell me God , he wrote so much . He wrote english , english high comedy .
Uh , hold on , I'm gonna do my little alphabet a , b , c d what a fascinating view into eric's brain .
This is I hate this .
I , you , I am going to , I , we are gonna stay . We're . What are we gonna talk about ? Well , I remember the name of the playwright who wrote importance of being earnest oscar wilde , you oscar wilde you , son of a bitch . I will never forgive you for doing this to me .
You've made an enemy for life . Oscar Wilde is the name you're looking for of the Irish playwright . Irish , Scottish , my friend , oh , how you've offended the Scots I and the Irish .
You know what ? If the Scots were literate , they would be very offended . Jeez , am I right , my fellow Irishman .
No , now listen . Okay , now , this one , eric , is a little bit more contemporary , but not super contemporary . Except for a pair of the bridges I just burned down . No , no , I won't give you the chance .
Remember when I called my balls Malcolm and Donald .
They will remain aflame . Those bridges , in response to his wife asking him where he wanted to be buried , surprise me , ooh drawing blanks , but I'll , I'll ask his wife where he wanted to be buried .
Surprise me and I'll help .
I'll help you out Cause I was cruel . I was a little cruel , uh , comedian , comedian , comedian , famous comedian asking his wife where he wanted to be buried .
Surprise me , I'm gonna say do you have any idea how utterly oscar wilde fucked me up ? I'm getting that picture . I'm trying to remember any name right now and it's stressing me out . I I'm going to say George Carlin .
George Carlin . Yeah , not a bad guess , but not correct . It's Bob Hope , bob Hope . Bob Hope's final words surprise me .
I'm learning so much .
All right , Eric , and that was my goal .
Thank you Learning how much I fucking suck with names . This next one , eric , don't overthink it , okay one last drink , please one last drink , please one last drink .
Please don't overthink it humphrey bogart I know but , hey , I told you not to overthink it . Yeah , it's jack daniels oh , damn okay jack daniels final words all right , eric , I got one more for you .
Okay .
One , last one and you're off the hook .
Thank you , I've been enjoying this thoroughly , by the way .
It is stuffy , sticky and rainy here at present , but forecasts are more favorable . Ooh , I thought you might know this one .
Is it Samuel ?
Beckett , it is not Samueluel bale , it is sticky . I'm sorry , it is stuffy , sticky and rainy here at present , but faint forecasts are more favorable . Is it tolkien ? The final words of jr tolkien ?
yeah , which , uh , his um birthday was was the other day , traditionally celebrated by . When asked , like how people can like remember the life of JRR Tolkien , christopher Tolkien said the Tolkien estate gave the advice of raising a glass at 9 pm of a spirited drink and taking a sip . How about that ?
Yeah , or alternatively , you could talk about a tree for two and a half hours .
Yep , while looking at the tree , talk to yourself about the tree . Talk to yourself about the tree .
Oh yeah , Well , there you go , Eric . That's what I got for you One and a half . That's your little pop quiz today . Famous last words . I hope everybody learns something and I also hope you feel shame .
Do you want to ? Uh , not you , the audience , just eric . Uh , do you want to know one of my favorite ? Uh , tell me . And these are . These are somewhat fascinating , is the words I would use for them . Um , but also somewhat haunting Quote LSD 100 micrograms intramuscular . Those were the last words of Aldous Huxley , writer of Brave New World .
Yes , had his nurse inject him with a heroic dose of LSD and he tripped balls until he died .
Hey , you know what , if you're going , yeah , why not ? Why not If you're ?
going . Yeah , why not , why not ?
If you know you're on your way out , why ?
not . I'd say don't trip on your way out .
But hey , hey , and listen to you , the audience . I say please don't trip on the way out , because that is the end of this episode . I think That'll about do it for everyone here . You didn't ask for this . Listen , we need your questions . We'd like you to send them on into us . You didn't ask for this at gmailcom , that's all spelled out .
Or you didn't ask pod . That's the letter . You didn't ask pod . Instagram , blue sky , facebook , kinda sorta TikTok YouTube , although we haven't made a TikTok in a in a healthy amount of days at this point . It's just , I've just been busy . You know , I apologize to everyone , but do send in those questions . You can also send them to us on the Discord .
Which , eric ? How can they reach the Discord ?
You can reach the Discord by finding you Didn't Ask For this on Patreon and subscribing today . By becoming a patron at the one dollar tier , you get access to our discord . That's right , but for just three dollars more , babes , four dollars . For just three dollars more , you get access to the discord . Access .
You get access to monthly bonus content , our series , oops , all tangents , and you get 20 off of all merchandise available through the Udaft merch store .
That's , you didn't ask for thiscom slash shop . We do have merchandise ready and available , such as the very mug I'm drinking out of right now . I'm so stoked for mine to get here . I .
I I fucks with a black mug with a good logo .
Yes and we . Uh , I got my hoodie today . It has the questions on it . As I talked about earlier , we got all kinds of stuff there . We got fanny pack , pint glass magnets . We're going to get some other stuff . The Discord's been talking . They want stickers , they want pins . We're going to work on those .
Life-size cutouts . The life-size cutouts . Thanks , Juniper .
The life-size cutouts have been brought to everyone's attention by Sir Juniper . First night at Yadav . Thank you , Sir Juniper . But more importantly than anything , you still this episode dropping here on the 16th of January . You still got about two weeks to submit those bingo cards .
So the link is in the description of this episode and on our link tree on Instagram and elsewhere . It's just a Canva template link . Put in your selections , send it to us via email , the Discord instant message , however you want to get to us . Just get it to us . That's youdidntaskforthis at gmailcom and we will enter you into our yearly Yadaf Bingo competition .
We've gotten a few submissions already . Love that you still got plenty of time to submit . You will win a guaranteed guest spot on the show as well as a free merch . We never really said what it was going to be , did we ? Eric , you know what your pick oh , I'd say their pick oh , yes , your pick of free merchandise .
Oh , 100% , we'll get that sent . Oh , like I get to pick for them , hell yeah .
Not you , Eric . You get to sneak Not you you selfish , prude , indeed , indeed , indeed , indeed . And of course , you can call us on the thought line at 410-929-5329 and leave us a vocal question . Eric , did I mish mish ?
anything .
You didn't mish a goddamn thing well then , from all of us here at you didn't ask for this . My name is matt shea , my name's eric poach , and listen , you didn't ask , but real talk real .
If talk , real talk . If you knew that you were about to say your last words , if the stage was that you had time , you're like , all right , I'm about to die . If I'm going to say my last words , I'm going to say them now , off the dome , oh God , off the dome .
I'm sorry , oh my God , that was sad here . I'm sorry , oh my God , that was sad here's mine that came that was off the dome , that was authentic . Yeah , I said I'm sorry You're like , you're like .
Robespierre . What am I Canadian ?
up in here . I mean you're welcome . That is what about you ? Off the ?
dome . Yo check this out .
And for my next trick , what , what ? Okay , I'm imagining this , I'll . How about here's another , here's another candidate , be right back here .
Here's a good one to modify my , my previous one . Uh , I'd hit him with a . Uh , it was a neat trick , but I could only do it once . Sounds deep as hell . Listen , come closer . I got a secret to tell you . No , come , come here . Come here . Come here like because there flies down . Oh , because there flies flies down . Oh , because there are flies down .
Yes , yes , yes , absolutely . Just get one last sexual assault in there before you go Bye .