Dominant vs. Submissive

Welcome to the Smut Exploration Podcast. We're your hosts, Rebecca and John. So today, we are going to be exploring the dominant versus submissive. Archetype? Roleplay? What do you call it? Well, I mean, right off the bat, that's a fun thing with it because there are so many different types of people and people in general use it. To cover like a large sum of things, right? Like it's not just a...

BDSM only thing some people uses like a roleplay thing some people uses like a 24-7 like dynamic so I think it like really depends on The individuals and what they're using it for. Yeah

I think for us, we use it pretty much obviously in the bedroom. Yeah. But because we also play with other partners, it somewhat escapes, I think, our bedroom together.

bleeds into like other aspects like i was telling you remember earlier today because uh hopefully by the time this pod is up our new thumbnail art will be up as well yes uh sexy rebecca over here with our little rocket ship yes um so when we were taking those photos i was telling you like hey i would very much like you to dress a certain way on your dates and then have you know your dates take pictures and for me and

you know with your phone obviously and send it my way yeah um you know that's another aspect of dom and submissive um but again that's outside of you know our quote bedroom yeah and that's not something that i ever would have thought to do, number one. And also, like, I never would have thought that that would have been a thing, like, at all. I mean.

Again, with Dom versus Sub or being dominant, for me, it's a control thing. I guess I am a control freak in that aspect. I like to control certain things. What is sexy to me or what is like the turn on is like you obeying and listening and being submissive, right? Yeah. I think in a monogamous traditional relationship.

Everything I just explained is completely alien. And that's okay. Because it's not, again, it's not for everyone. Not everyone is going to enjoy that. The funny thing is, is that I never...

would have considered myself a submissive person. But I think because I have so much control in my everyday, like normal work life vibe. Right. that it feels so good to just be told what to do and like obey and like, and because I know. that partners that I'm choosing that have this as part of their kink, I guess you could say. I know that it's not like a demeaning kind of a thing.

Like I think before when I was... on the monogamous side of of things i would have thought like oh this is demeaning like how could you do this to me or like don't tell me to don't tell me what to do but now it's like a form of trust and a form of surrender big time To say, I will lay here naked waiting for you and trust that you're going to treat me well and please me. Right. Which we've, you know, spoiler alert.

we've uh we've done that twice now yes so uh we're a week and a half yeah about a week and a half ago now yeah was the first time where i said to you you know lay on your stomach be naked You left the doors unlocked. Obviously, when you do these scenarios, please be somewhat smart about it. We're doing this in the middle of the day. We've built a trust between us already. Yeah.

don't do this on like your first date and again it also goes back to understanding dom for a sub and then also kind of i think there's a an aspect to that where it's also like

pornography versus the real world where pornography i think has also it's done a massive disservice to bdsm the bdsm community because you'll get a lot of pornography where it's you know titled like dom first sub or like sub gives into dom and it is you know you you could argue it's not what the bdsm community like

recognizes as like proper dumb versus obviously it's abusive to a degree where it is like you're tossing the girl around throwing her around and calling her all sorts of fucked up names and there is a place for that in the BDSM community. Totally. What you're not seeing when you're watching pornography is the build up to that, the trust. Right. Right. Some people, yes.

are very into being extremely submissive or being as some consider like you know a sex life like that is a kink in an aspect totally but again there is a conversation before right the funniest thing And I've gone through this. I did not come into the BDSM world and I was perfect. I didn't get it right at the beginning. I can bring this up because I was an idiot and thought at times.

that what i saw in pornography was how the real world works especially when a girl know on a dating app is like yeah i'm submissive and it's like cool uh come over and suck my dick right yeah and that's not how it works not even close like it is it is you discuss it with them you build a trusting relationship and and a foundation first and then yeah it can be like hey i really need like you wouldn't

Like, between you and I, I don't think I would ever text you and just be like, come suck my dick. I think it would be more, hey, be naked, be on your knees, blindfolded, and ready to go, right? It's a more elegant way of saying, suck my dick.

much more a good way of saying that but um i'm gonna pause us for a second uh what's bdsm john bdsm some people don't know i actually this i always fuck up the um the uh what is it the what's the term for the acronym the acronym thank you um so bdsm is typically around like bondage um The actual acronym. Oh, my God. Acronym. Wow. You threw me for a loop there. Sorry. No, you're fine.

I just thought we should get that out of the way just in case some folks don't know what that is or they're new to the community.

It might be helpful to do a definition. So according to Wikipedia, we'll use the Wikipedia thing here. BDSM is a variety of often erotic practices or role-playing involving bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, and sadom... uh sadomasochism sadomasochism i don't know if i'm saying that right but and other related interpersonal dynamics given the wide range of practices some of which may be engaged in

by people who do not consider themselves to be practicing bdsm inclusion in the bdsm community or subculture often is said to depend on self-identification and shared experience i think that's a very kind of broad and open term totally and again it goes back to like even being dom and submissive right right like it is such a broad term in terms of like what is what yeah um

like even here in like hollywood there are places like there's a club called bar sinister which refers to itself as a kink friendly community but then depending on who you talk in like the community they'll say no it's a bdsm community But then that's another aspect compared to like what a kink community is. So it's like words are hard. Yes. Like words are very, very difficult. Well, I think it's more challenging in this instance because it's.

like a very taboo subject that not a lot of people talk about so it's like not only could the definitions be skewed but the community I think is bigger than we think it is, but it's not, but it's not talked about publicly. Like you don't just like go out with friends and you're like, Oh yeah. Like.

I was fucking choked last night. Like you don't really like say that, you know? Well, I think it also like, it depends on your friend group. Like I, I being, you know, a male, I don't unfortunately have any male friends in my life that. Like, I may suspect some people, but we don't say like, hey, I had so and so over and I choked them out. I don't know if you have any like friends that you're able to like. I do.

you're lucky i have at least three women that i can talk to in detail about my sex life that's like you're very lucky to have that yeah like we share extreme detail with each other about and it's a mutual thing you know like i hear about their experiences they hear about mine that's also like i mean you know as a guy like i'm like that's hot but also but also i think what's nice about that too though is also is like shared experience right in the sense of like you may have tried something

And that will spark an interest in one of your friends or vice versa. Or also from like a safety and learning aspect, you know, you may want to. know staying on the on the lines of choking like you may want to be more into choking but maybe you have a bad experience right then you're able to talk to someone about it right and i think that's that's super super important to like have i do too i think especially

Especially as women, too, because at least for me, I was raised to be the good girl. I was supposed to be a virgin when I got married. Oh, boy. Right? Terrible. Oh, yeah. All of that stuff. And it's like... who was my role model to say like what's okay what's not okay like until last year literally like i didn't do like any butt stuff like nothing like nothing honestly and i was like why didn't

But like I would say no constantly because like I didn't think that it was like what you were supposed to do. So like if I would have had friends that were open to because I've always been open about talking about my sex life with people, but people haven't always been open.

to talk to me so it's like i didn't even i didn't know what was going on because nobody would talk about it right yeah and i mean but stuff is fascinating too because i you know when i was like when i first got married like identified myself you know as like a cis male straight whatever yeah you know i lean more towards like bi curious by now and that's in part because i like discovered

kind of like some butt stuff and like also opening up my not my mind but also realizing like i found like the male body attractive and yeah opening up about that stuff and again it comes back to like upbringing and you just don't talk about that stuff ever like i don't know like i honestly like i grew up primarily on the east coast um in a very kind of

non-los angeles type place like i don't know if i wasn't in la i don't know if i would have like discovered all these things about myself like sexually yeah i think it would have i think my sex life would have ended up more what i would have thought was a dom submissive type thing but really it was probably more just aggressive sex or rough sex right and that was it which again rough sex

I definitely enjoy my occasional rough sex for sure. Like that is good stuff. Yeah. Um, but you know, there's, there's so many other aspects to it, which are more interesting and more fun to like, to be had. Totally. Uh, so yeah, agreed. Yeah. Agreed. I think, I think LA can bring that out in us because it's, people are, people are more open to, to sharing number one. And then also.

i found that when i start sharing more of my truth with people about what i've been doing and like this conscious dating like um conscious sexual experiencing conscious hoeing as a friend has called it it like It opens up a lot of conversations that like people aren't having because like, I think I shared in our first episode, like before my sexual experiences were very unconscious, very out of body. And this time it's like very embodied, very like.

in my spiritual you know spiritual self in my body not leaving myself for the sake of somebody else and i don't think i would have gotten to that point had i stayed in the midwest yeah i mean

Midwest especially, I think is an, I'm not trying to like shit on the Midwest, but like, that's an interesting space because of, I think religious groups are like very kind of prominent there compared to like the others.

parts of america and and again that is a big integral part of society good or bad whatever you want to say but coming to a city like la definitely opens you up but also i think there's like the the fact that it's a big melting pot as well um because you're gonna get not just people from the states but you're getting people from all over the world coming here and you know

when you look at like europeans compared to americans americans are a-okay with guns and violence a-okay like chef's kiss that's fine you bring up sex god god no europeans are completely opposite right sex to them it's more culturally it's more open it is more acceptable um yeah and because of that like i've had a couple of like european women that i've you know hooked up with that have definitely been more open to things than people i've seen here um

it's funny too like going back to the pornography conversation like a lot of like the weirder kink stuff is typically european like produced interesting yeah like there's a lot of different things out there that you would get only in europe that you would not see in the u.s wow the u.s is like hyper masculine pornography where it's just like aggressive as fuck and it goes back to like i think part of the problem when someone says like dom versus sub like you'll get

You'll get people that are doing it kind of the aggressive way and not the trusting type way. Right. Right. Right. And I think that had been my experience prior to this year of. Sexual exploration was like the more like aggressive, not as embodied, not as connected, just like.

bodies fucking instead of like oh like we're gonna do this and trust each other i like to think of it more like bodies flailing around not even fucking just bodies going humping each other it's actually it's funny going back to like one of our earlier conversations you like randomly asked me one day you were like do you make noise or talk during sex yeah and i was like yes otherwise it's just two bodies humping each other

what's the point like that's not fun well i've had sex with people that say nothing that have said nothing like just silence i mean i'm gonna try something right now for our viewers like i know saying good girl to you like just gets you going every time especially like so like obviously like when we hang out we try and have a bunch of sex and then do some productive things like this pod totally but like literally like an hour or so ago we were on the couch

bouncing on my dick and i was saying good girl and then gushing like a water fountain it's true but that was the other thing too like with today like today was because we knew we're doing a pod about you know dominant doms versus subs and that and that stuff but like today has been very kind of about that where it was you're gonna be dressed and set up a certain way when i get there yeah um your orgasms i'm gonna control for you today um but again

If we had just met and I started throwing all these things at you, it doesn't work. No. And especially with my personality, I'd have been like, fuck you. Don't tell me what to do. But in this moment, it's so hot to be like, can I come? And then for you to say no drives me crazy. Like it drives me crazy in a really good way. It's also because you had mentioned, I don't know if we talked about in the last, in the first episode about the individual that you went on a date with.

brought them back home and then they immediately whipped out their dick and then that is you know for all times of birth that is a more dominant move of course like you know you're showing dominance like here is my my dick get to work on it but in that situation it doesn't sound like there was any kind of conversation prior that you know that would happen and then during the whole moment you told that person to go down on you

In which case you took control and became the dominant person, which when you told me that story the first time, like I got pretty turned on because while I definitely with you, we are.

so far it's been very like me dom you sub i do like the occasional switch and like seeing you dominate is so hot to me like that drives me wild but again i don't know if it would have been as hot if we started it the other way like i actually don't think this would have lasted as long if we went the other way um and just because you switch doesn't mean like you're not like the other thing that i love like i'm on fat life and i'll message people and whatnot

i'll get the occasional dickhead that's like because i'll put on there as like orientation or identify i'll say like switch um and then sometimes i'll like respond to like posts where they're looking for a dom and they'll be like you're not a dom you're a switch meaning you're more sub and it's like That's not how that works, but okay. Good for you. Very close-minded in that sense. Totally. Totally. And I didn't even think about it that way.

To be honest, like in in the moment, like when it was happening, I was like, if I suck his dick, he's not going to go down on me and I want him to go down on me. That's literally what I was thinking. Like, I wasn't like, oh, because he was being very dominant. Right. And once you said that the other day, I was like, oh, like, I didn't even think about it like that. It's crazy. Like, I mean, I think the idea of Dom and Sub.

is something that is it's an animalistic thing going back to like you know alphas and betas and all that crap yeah and We have that in society because when we were animals, I mean, we still are technically animals, but when we are even like animals in general, like if you have a bunch of dogs, they'll be the.

alpha the dominant dog or whatever right yeah people i think are using that more now as a way to kind of get what they want while if you look at pack of dogs or wolf the dominant or the alpha was also there to kind of protect right right a protection is the other big thing and what's interesting is like when you are doing like the dom sub thing now if there is no level of protection

You know, to me anyway, like you're not truly honoring what it is. Right. You're just doing it from like this actual aspect. Totally. And maybe that's what I was picking up on. Yeah. Then. And what also is interesting is like. what I'm looking for has flipped. It's like, I want some, I do want someone to be a little bit more dominant than me because I want to give up control. Like, I like that. Like, it's a huge turn on for me.

i think like you said i can switch pretty easily and um but i i would like to learn more from someone who's more dominant to like really lean into that surrender that trust right And that person did not give that to me. He he never like it. What do I want to say? He wasn't like. Like telling me how pretty I was. Like there was no like affection. There's no reinforcement. Of him to me in that moment. And this last week I had like a FaceTime interaction with someone. Someone new.

And like he was constantly telling me how pretty I was, constantly telling me how hot I was. I mean, he has since ghosted me. But in that moment, he made me feel really good. Right. You know, and that's what I wanted in that. moment do i wish that i could meet him in real life absolutely but we'll see maybe he'll pop up out of the woodwork he'll pop up when he's horny that's true just like the musician exactly definitely did exactly it's funny it's funny though like

Real quick, talking about the person in the FaceTime, I'm guilty of this as well, where it's, you know, in the moment you are horny or whatever, and you just want to kind of get off. Yeah. especially if i think females this happens as well like once you master you like you get clear-headed and you're like all right i'm not gonna drive two hours or three hours to see this person no this person was close like maybe maybe 30 minutes like not that not that far

that's a little fucked up yeah like i have his address holy shit yeah you should just show up i literally i thought about it the other day and then i was like calm down because that could be really bad because he's dominant so like i don't that would like it could also be though like uh maybe he has somebody he's not being fully open about it maybe could be that sucks don't don't don't cheat people that's fucked up yeah it also ruins the whole experience for everybody totally

like just be open about it literally it was the the best advice i ever got from someone was uh it was actually my ex-wife uh she was like just be honest with what you want and you know it will happen and like that is you know god bless hearing those words because like that it's true like if you do not believe in a monogamous thing and you're want to be open whatever you will be able to find that person totally

You just have to be kind of truthful to like what you as a person want. Yeah. And again, like if you were, if you were out there on the internet, on the interwebs.

you know spewing that you're a dominant person the first thing before like being dominant in bed be dominant to yourself and understand what you as a person want right like that is the most dominant thing that you can do is you know if you or like i want this this and this and you're up front with it then it's a sign of dominance right there right right and i've had people say that to me on the online dating apps where they're like are you okay with like pain

And I'm like, ooh, okay, maybe, like, you're not the person for me. You know what I mean? Like, I would always, like, I mean, oh, man, maybe next time that happens, let me know because I'm kind of curious, like. i would want you to ask that person like what do you mean like explain what you mean by pain and if they just flat out say oh i'm dominant that means they've watched too much pornography

Like, honestly, that just means that to them, most likely, it means they're going to come over, they're going to get their dick sucked, and they can slap the person around. That's abusive tendencies. That's a bigger fucking problem. Don't get me wrong, that shit is definitely hot. It's great.

But again, you have to have some kind of foundation. You can't just walk into a room and start slapping somebody around. We don't do that in the real world. Like when you're pissed at the fucking DMV, you don't walk in and just fucking backhand the first person you see. No. uh or best buy when they fuck up your dishwasher order right too close to home way too close to home god i'm annoyed um but yeah i mean that that's that part is like

like if i was in your shoes and i was i was seeing that that would always be a big red flag to me like yeah especially like this is i'm assuming i'm bumble this person message no oh it's his field yeah okay okay It's a little bit more, I mean, Field is definitely a more, you just basically say, this is what I want. I mean, they at one point were marketing themselves as like the kink Tinder, which makes sense.

yeah like but again that's a little that seems extreme yeah yeah have you had other people just come up and be like i'm dominant um i'm trying to think I think so. I think that's what the gentleman that I had the phone sex with. Yeah. I think that's kind of how he portrayed himself. Yeah. Which he definitely was like on the phone. Like it was very hot.

and very dominant in a different way than you and I. i think which is why i was like so curious about it because i'm like everyone's going to be doing this differently oh yeah again like we said right at the top like these terms are very lucy goose and in the aspect that What it may mean to us, or even to me, to you, is going to be different to, you know, a person 20 feet away from us. Totally. Everybody looks and takes it differently, I think.

I think there are a couple of guiding rules, but everyone is going to be slightly different with it. What do you think the guiding rules are? Guiding rules are it is not a setup where you just go in and start slapping your dick on someone's face. A hundred percent. That is like the guiding rule. Like if that is the expectation, it is not what that is. That is more. There is a term for it. A sex slave.

Right. And like sex master and that type of stuff. That setup is designed. Those terms are put there for that. Do you think those terms are more for the male pleasure, whereas a dom submissive is like the man typically is the dominant? I'm going to say just in general. there to like keep the woman safe keep her protected let

Her orgasm, whether he tells her when or when not to, it's more like a mutual pleasure kind of a vibe instead of like a master slave where it seems like it's only for the master's pleasure. Am I getting that wrong? I think it all depends. Again, it's. dependent on the two individuals or group of people that are be are involved um some people like to be

Like you said, people like to be submissive in your case, like to give control because you have such a controlling environment or you're in control in your environment. Yeah. And then again, like. it can be flipped right where i feel the more that i get to know you i do somewhat believe that you pegging me would get you the off like

Pretty easily. Based on what I'm seeing and I've discovered about you, because again, even though to you and in that setup, and if somebody walked in, they would say, you're the dom, I'm the sub. It's kind of a weird multi-layered thing going on because you know that me being pegged by you in a more dominant role gets me off. But if you like lift up the layer. You only got to that position and that spot because...

I kind of dominated you into doing right. Right. It's just like this weird, like multi-layered, like what the fuck is happening? And again, this is over like months. Yeah. This isn't like the first time. No, no, no. But going back to the master and the sex life type stuff, again, it's dependent on the things. There are some men that like their balls kicked in.

like it is a thing and they physically enjoy it they like the orgasm denial they like um like the physical abuse and and and whatnot right and some females also enjoy that like i yeah um i still talk to this woman but like she is a what she refers to as a pain slut like she can't orgasm from like regular penetration or clip play or anything she gets off from physical pain wow and

we're not going to dive deep deep into that aspect but there are there's trauma there that there's a reason why that person gets off that way right but then on the flip side you know there are individuals you know sickos not sickos that's king shaming there are people like like i get off to that right like to me causing pain that then triggers an orgasm that's very hot to me like when you spank me like when i spank you yeah that is just like that is just you know

Again, it's another aspect of control and dominance and all of that fun stuff. But I think it's all in flux. I don't think one...

i think again pornography has done a massive disservice because like if i was to go out on the street with this microphone and do like a billy on the street thing and be like dom verse sub is that male is that more male dominated or more male focused

Probably 99% of people are going to say yes. Yeah. And that's because that's what you see in pornography. That's also what you see in Hollywood. Like Hollywood Mad Men. Yes. You're watching Mad Men right now. Yes, I am. And you've even texted being like... What's beautiful man's face? Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. He comes across and he gives his dominant vibe.

It's very, very much like that. But it's so hot. Very, very hot. When he does it, I'm like, oh, my God, keep talking. But what's interesting, though, is so like you've got Mad Men, right? Where Jon Hamm, male, dominant, et cetera. My partner has just recently binged all of Billions on Showtime, where one of the female leads, she's a dominatrix.

which is just that fucking gets me going every time but like she is like the dom yeah in this like marriage with her husband who is like a politician which is fascinating when you're like really diving because he's like this big maybe not politician maybe like uh da but like powerful like person in the political system yeah but then in the bedroom she's completely in control interesting and it's like

like i like to jump on subreddit or us you know on reddit and like look at the subreddit around these shows a lot of like men and alphas don't like the fact that she's so dumb because it you know it with people's like um standard of what the world should be and all that nonsense so yeah but again it's it's it's again it's it's to kind of like close that what you know dom sub

It can be anything. Right. It does not have to be just male oriented. Right. Right. I expect at some point you'll probably lean more into your dom side because you have it. I know. hundred percent have it like it's there what makes you say that specifically your personality outside the bedroom again like when we first started texting you were straight up this is what i want That was it. It was literally like text of this is what I want.

take it or leave it fuck off right right literally yeah and also the stories that i've heard from you like the one that again that sticks out is is with the guy that you know whipped his cock out and you're like nope go down on me it's dominant like it may not be on the surface but it's there right um and again like i was telling you later like one of the things i want to do is get you to be like a dom and like

find like a little sub guy and and you know take control and then you're you're doing it for me because again it is hot as hell to see you dom yeah yeah

I think that's definitely something I want to explore. Maybe not all the time, but definitely a little bit as time goes on, for sure. Oh, yeah. I mean, the other thing, too, is... some people are like go to the dom sub situation where it's like 24 7 which again you know to each their own i was talking to this woman uh recently and she was telling me about her marriage

which i thought was interesting where you know they had kids the kids have all left all left the nest and her and her husband wanted to kind of like explore things a little bit more and he was always the breadwinner and they decided like I don't know through what, but basically decided they wanted to switch things and have her kind of be in charge. And they wanted to make it.

a 24 7 like lifestyle whoa so i was kind of like again my porn goggles if you were like turned on i was like is he like in a maid outfit like what does this look like and she's like no no no no it's it's it's things like He takes care of all the laundry. He does the dishes. He does like all the house things. And like she is set up to basically, you know, there was also a term known as free use.

That was also in play, which basically implies that any time, regardless of what the situation is, you know, he's to come and pleasure her sexually. That's dope. Yeah. And I was just like, I was like, so he was the breadwinner for like. decades and now you guys are doing this and it's like yes and it's changed a lot of their aspects um like fundamentally where

there's like a mutual respect now. Interesting. Where before, because he was the, like, even though it's not sexual, right? Like doing the dishes, some people sure probably get off on it, but like doing the dishes.

right was so hot for her to see him do it and it was so hot for him to be like forced into it like it worked but it was like one of those things like they didn't know until they tried right and that's again that's the other thing that's fascinating with the whole like dom subculture is like you just don't know until you try it i love that i love that he's at her beck and call to pleasure her like i would love something like that

i mean girl you could probably set that up pretty easily if you really wanted to again if you do have that set up that's gonna get me rock hard like jesus Maybe that'll be the quest next is like find a guy that's just going to come over and pleasure me whenever I want. Sometimes I feel like that is me, but then we do these pods. It is you.

it is you to a certain extent yeah but i don't have free a free free use free use of you yeah that's true that's very true i mean at one point in my life when i was kind of getting into all this i did think i was like i love like a 24 7 thing but then at the same time i i personally

don't think i could do it because i do like being on the same level as someone yeah like for you and i like when we're in the bedroom yeah i'm i'm in charge i'm you know kind of dictating what we're doing right but then like when we're outside the bedroom it's nice to just go on a walk and have a normal conversation like yeah or like go to lunch or go to lunch and just be chill I have a um

I didn't tell you this. The musician did come over. Oh, nice. So this was a guy that I had sex with weeks ago. Lost touch with him. He like totally ignored me. Did he explain why? No, he said he's been busy working or whatever. Okay. But with him, what I realized yesterday is that like I would consider you and I like more friends with benefits if we're going to put a label on it. Yeah. With him, he's like a legit fuck buddy.

like he comes over we go to the bedroom we for like an hour and then he leaves like we don't talk like i don't know barely anything about his life like i'm lucky that i know where he's from i kind of know what he does for work not really We just have sex. And then he leaves. And then he leaves. How do you... How do... I guess like...

Is there any emotion attached to that? Do you feel a longing when he leaves? Are you just like, cool, whatever, go about your day? And I guess the way I would compare it, if it is just fucking, is like... when you use a toy and you masturbate and you're done and then you go about your day do you feel the same way because then that is old that is the ultimate fuck buddy Because then it's just you're physically using each other like sex toys. That's kind of how it felt to me.

the other day and i like texted my friend my best friend and i was like so um the musician came over we fucked for an hour he just left um i think he's like a legit fuck buddy and i think i'm okay with that there you go again be like truthful to what you want and he you know almost every night this week he like texted me and was like can i come over but he would like

text me at like nine o'clock at night and i'm like i'm like ready for bed like you need to give me like and so now he knows like i told him i was like i need like a couple of hours notice to like get ready because i like to like be ready when a sex partner comes over Like for you today, like I showered, I shaved my legs, I shaved my pussy, I oiled, I lotioned, like I curl my hair. Oh, yeah. There's like a process that goes into like having sex as a woman. Right. And.

um i want to make sure to do that every time like i don't want to be like all hairy and like feeling gross when like someone's gonna come over to pleasure me i don't know if he feels the same if he'd come over all sweaty and nasty i don't know but like i at least want to be feeling good and sexy in my body yeah so that i'm confident when i'm having sex with somebody i mean it goes back to the idea of uh look good feel good yeah i mean that's very very important same here like i don't

There are definitely times, and I think it's happened a couple of times, where I've almost just been like, hey, I'm in your area. I'm horny. Can we please have sex? With me? Oh, yeah. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. A couple of times. But I end up not doing it because... because we're not fuck buddies i would feel weird to just like fuck and then leave like what would end up happening is i would end up blowing up the rest of my day's responsibilities which is bad

Yeah. Yeah. Which kind of like it's good and it's bad. I'm sure there will be a point where I'm just like, I have to have sex with her. Yeah. And like do it. But. You know, I definitely appreciate the aspect that we have where it's like we have sex and then we talk and then we have more sex and then more sex. And then we have created a fountain. Ruins your couch.

Literally. I don't know if it's ever going to be the same. We've ruined your bed sheets and probably the mattress now as well. Whoops. No, that underlying is a waterproof or whatever. Oh, that's good. That's good. I felt a little bad and I was like, why do I feel bad? No, it'll dry before I go to bed, so it's fine. There you go. The worst is where you lay on a wet spot after it's been there for 10 minutes as cold. Yes. And you're just like, come on. Oh, my God.

What else have you experienced in the Dom versus Sub that we haven't covered yet? Anything else? I think the part of the big one is just the number one being... what it means for different people then also like the misinterpretation of like i think the core tendencies as well in terms of like it is not just go over and like here's my dick have fun right i think it's it's always a

an interesting aspect the other thing too is when you're on an app like bumble and i'm messaging a girl and i'm like hey How's things going and like we're like chit-chatting and it's kind of not going anywhere or just feels very kind of They want to learn everything about me over a fucking app. And it's like, no, no, no. Thank you. Usually what I'll do is like, as a, just as a tester, just for shits and giggles, I'll just kind of throw in there something like, Hey, so.

How do you feel about the BDSM community? You'll just ask that straight up? Straight up ask that. It's gotten me moderate, like on Bumble if... someone reports you enough times you get moderated i mean i'm moderated like a bunch because of that but whatever fuck it who cares oh my god um but like it's fast it's also like i like doing it because it's also fascinating to kind of hear different people's like

responses and answers to like what that means you know i'll get occasionally surprised where someone's like bdsm fuck yeah

And then it will escalate sometimes very, very quickly. And you're like, well, this is great. Because it's difficult sometimes, especially in a Bumble profile, to figure out if somebody... knows what bdsm is or is even into it um so it's always kind of like a surprise to just like throw that question out there but the funniest one that i've ever gotten was like someone's like you're a sicko

uh you should be locked up how could you do that to women and i was like i'm sorry can we take a breather here what are you talking about like please explain yourself and the this this person on bumble truly believed like bdsm was like the extreme portion of bdsm which was just like sex dungeons and abuse and like borderline like rape essentially it's like what they thought it was and i was like i can

eat like i can tell you safely that is not what that is all about that is not what that whole community like represents that's completely the opposite um It was a good conversation because I think I kind of helped educate her a little bit and then give her resources. Check these articles out. It's a whole movement and philosophy behind it.

rape women it is right the opposite um so that was like that that interaction like stood out because i was just like what the right and to be honest like I think when I was first exploring like even what that was that probably would have been my response yeah to somebody like years ago when I was dating before my marriage like I probably would have been like this person's weird or like

What are they going to tie me up and just make me suck their dick? And my pleasure is going to be totally ignored and all of that. But it's like, yes, I'm pleasing you by... obeying but also it's like a huge turn on for me and like i i know that when i get into that situation to tell the person prior to that like i want

like what I want first and then they'll do it. You know, like I went to coffee with somebody. I don't know if I'm going to see him again or not, but he leans on the dominant side. And I was like, I need to get my pussy licked before I suck a dick. And he was like, oh, OK, that's not normally what I would do. But like if you and I get to that point, like noted, you know, and so I'm like, oh, OK, like maybe if I just voice some of these things that I'm into. Right. If a guy is.

is someone that I want to explore, maybe they'll take my wants and needs into consideration as well. Right. How... look I'm trying I'm going back to like because we've had a lot of sex going back to like our first time having sex um you know I come in and I basically grab you

uh and you know just start kissing you yeah you know we kind of are like fuck the small talk because we went for a quick walk around the block with the with the puppies um how Do you think as a woman who leans obviously more on the submissive side, how do you think you portray yourself to like doms in terms of like wanting them to like.

step up and like do that and like grab you and like not necessarily have their way but like kind of take the lead because especially like in this world and the and everything that we live in right now where you know signals and things can be misinterpreted um you know people you know in some situation like

probably like around you know the three four year mark ago like when everything was happening in hollywood i probably would not have done that to be honest because of where everything was going and how things were shaping up um but now you know things have kind of not i wouldn't say normalized but things have gotten better where there is more like discussion and stuff um how do you kind of i guess let

a guy know either with like your body or with like messaging or talking like how do you let them know like hey it's okay to lean and kiss me that's a good question I feel like I need to think about it. It's a hard question. It is a hard question. Because there is no right answer. I know. There is no right answer. For me, I've done everything from just flat out ask. Yes.

but you're basically being like hey because i always use um humor humor is like my guiding force in everything from sadness to happiness to sex just everything and i've used humor where it's like I've done this line where it's like, everything's going good, so I'm going to kiss you now. And then just lean in. And it's hard because, especially when you're face-to-face with someone, you say a line like that, you have...

you know, milliseconds to kind of read, interpret their response to know if it's okay. Yeah. Well, I think you prepped me prior to us meeting because of our text communication. vacation you were like as soon as i come in like i'm gonna kiss you and then we met outside and walked the dogs and you didn't kiss me outside i don't think i think you kissed me in here um

And so I didn't know what was going to happen, right? Because like we had just started talking and everything. And then when you did that, I was like, oh, fuck yes. You know, like this is going to be fantastic. Right. Whereas I've had other situations where like that guy that I had coffee with that I said, I'm not quite sure if I'm going to see him or not. He asked me when we were at coffee, like, can I kiss you? I said, sure.

and we kissed and then i had a guy over later this or earlier this week and um he just got closer to me on the couch as we were we he brought over pizza and we He started kissing me, but I knew after our initial interaction that I didn't want it to progress any further than that. What kind of pizza was it? Oh, he got it at Air One. What's that? You don't know Air One? I really don't.

I know this is like a huge like side. I've been doing this diet thing. So like I can't eat carbs or like dairy. Oh my God. Maybe we need to go there for lunch after this because air one is like the. wellness like all of the hot people and wait i'm sorry wait do they have like whole 30 pizza air one maybe probably oh my god we're gonna go oh fuck we're gonna go this is amazing i'm so excited right now

we're gonna go because air want like you're gonna go in and be like what the fuck everybody here is beautiful number one everyone who goes there is like am i gonna get horny from eating pizza probably that's amazing i'm very excited now it's like it's like a very expensive like everything is is um organic fresh they like make their own make their own stuff there's like a membership it's like it's a very sexy grocery store

I just want to say, though, real quick, Domino's has a membership. That's not sexy. Oh, my God. No, it's a very sexy, like, organic.

grocery healthy grocery store i'm so glad i asked about the pizza question but the pizza was good that night but the kissing the pizza was very good kissing was fine like he was fine but like there were other red flags that came up prior to that where i was like i don't think i want to sex with this person and I knew that you were coming over today and that I'd get fucked really good so I was like I don't need to like have mediocre sex and I can just wait for John to come over on Sunday

Sean comes over on Sunday that feels religious for some reason. That's amazing. So anyway, how do I let them know that it's okay? I think... I think for me, it's more of an energetic thing. How did you feel when you... I mean, we kind of talked about it before. We talked about it for sure.

Again, it's those millisecond interactions, taking that all in and processing it at the speed of light, what it feels like, and kind of reading the room and... you when you meet a person for the first time you can immediately tell if they are open or closed and i always do what i call the open arms or the

cross the arms right for a person typically if you see them on the street and their arms are crossed that means they don't usually want to talk either consciously or subconsciously right they're closed off to the world they kind of i'm done off yeah when you see a person they're kind of like hands to their side or whatever they're more open again it's a i think it's a subconscious thing your body language and your body movement was very kind of open where it was like

You can come closer. I'm not going to rip your face off. I'm not going to snap your neck. Don't worry. My closet is not filled with a bunch of body parts. No, no. Yeah, I think. i think that's generally where i stand i think i generally am open when i go out on dates and i think that often bites me in the butt sometimes like with that guy who came over earlier in the week and then with the other guy that i ended up sleeping with but i shouldn't

have i feel like i shouldn't have right with him yeah um but learning experience right so because of that terrible sex experience i knew to stand up for myself in that moment earlier this week to say i don't want to have sex tonight Yeah. And like, I feel really bad about saying that, but I'm not going to, I'm at the point now in my sexual evolution where I'm not going to just have sex to have sex. Like I want to be.

very attracted to the person i want to like feel the chemistry and if i don't feel that then i don't want to progress further than kissing because i don't want to lead somebody on that like i'm interested when i'm not right

No, I think that's fair as well. I was on a coffee thing yesterday with... the uh older woman um and it was interesting because like she identifies as a switch leaning more dom so i was kind of curious i was like let's grab coffee see what happens and she leaned in for a kiss like completely out of the blue And again, like I...

see myself as a swish and you know usually i would enjoy and like that and it just did not like work for me at all like i felt not that i felt like i'm not saying like oh i felt violated or anything like that it just felt it just didn't feel

like there was no spark there was like nothing to it it was just like okay cool and like again like you know shortly after that i kind of just ended it i was like i have to go and unfortunately we like parked in the same structure so she's like let's walk together she kind of like tried again and i felt i didn't feel like i felt a little bad um but i was just like there was just no it just didn't feel

right in the situation and like looking back at it and actually like discussing it and i i think it didn't feel right because i didn't make the move first and you know i think that's where it's like i switch but lean more dominant right well she is switching dominant as well and that makes it tough totally because then it's there's a misalignment happening totally and i think that's a huge problem too because i think that was part of the problem

in my marriage and where like the sex kind of stopped because I think both of us leaned more submissive. So like he wouldn't pursue me and I wouldn't pursue him, which led to zero sex. Yep. That makes sense. Yeah. I've definitely witnessed, I think my ex was also somewhat more dominant.

Like, she was definitely dominant in real life, like, every day. But I also think that was a factor because she was older. And it was one of those... not fun dominant sub situations more like because i'm older i'm wiser and that doesn't mesh well because again i'm more dominant like i i usually am dominant in day-to-day things when i want to be

But like in that situation where it's like, I'm going to be dominant and dominate you all the time. It just ruins everything else. Because then in the bedroom, right? It doesn't align. Even though she's submissive in the bedroom or she was submissive in the bedroom. You get in your own head and all that. I think that happened with my ex-marriage too. Yeah. That's why they're called ex-marriages. I think that's everything.

Yeah. We've been going about an hour. Oh, shit. So, I mean, that's fine. If people want to keep listening, keep listening. But I think that we can wrap it there. Okay. I think the big message that we're trying to... present today is you know dumb and subs it is not i'm gonna come over and whip my dick out right yeah don't do that communication and you know discussion prior and then even

Even if you do set up and go on a regular date and then you have sex, quote vanilla sex, you can still always bring it up after the fact. Totally. I don't even think we, we didn't even like jump into that where I've had situations where I thought the sex was just vanilla. And then we discussed a little bit and it was like, oh, actually, no, I like to be more submissive. Like, also, please be rougher with me.

right you know i think sometimes you have to start with the vanilla just to like gauge like does this work yeah right yeah because sometimes you have to have sex with someone to see if it's gonna work yeah yeah

And then you can be like, eh. Or you can be like, oh, fuck yeah. Like, what else are we going to do? Yeah. There's so much more to explore. Right. Yeah. It's a good start. Like, vanilla sex is a good starting point. Yeah. As long as you're talking. Don't be two bodies humping each other. Totally. Don't do that. We still don't have our socials up yet, but if you have questions, you can actually email us. We do have an email address, which is smutexploration at gmail.com.

We will most likely have another episode shortly and hopefully we'll have the socials up by then. Yes. Till then, I am John. I am Rebecca. And go explore.