245 Check-Ins That Actually Work

Welcome to Playing with Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom build their life. We're talking about non monogamy, however. Design it as an individual. Yeah. Wanna leave the default and make Yeah.

Ken, we're gonna talk about something boring but essential. Unglamorous. It does sound boring, doesn't it? But super essential. We're gonna talk about something that I think Everybody already knows about an idea, but Then, you know, I get the inside view of a lot of people's relational lives. And I would say that's a good idea. That we neglect to actually do Everybody you have talked about definitely knows about these, but not everybody, because I didn't That's true. I had never heard of it.

So we're going to talk about relationship check-ins or relationship meetings, however you want to frame it. Um, I tend to think about them as meetings because I like to think about the different types, the different ways that we can have these different kinds of connection points that meet different needs. So it's to me, it's a it's a whole menu of options.

that I could use to meet the need of my particular relationship dynamic at this particular moment rather than um a check-in, there's a certain tone to that, right? It sounds quick. It does sound like how you doing? Good. How you doing? Good. Oh done. I ask people really frequently, I'll ask people like, so what do you currently use for relationship check-ins? And often people will say

What they wish they used. They'll say, well, we we know about this format, um, or we found this in a book and we really like it. Aspirational check-ins. And they they aspirationally they want to be used. Yep, they see the value, they see what they could get out of it. Right, like for instance the radar format by um

multiamory. Emily, Dedeker, and Jace. It's a great format. I have zero argument with it. But in practice, what I'm seeing is people are seeing this this big thing and not making time for the big thing frequently enough. and then put it use it doing nothing else in between. Um or conversely Doing the little check-ins, oftentimes what they'll describe is um, well, we, you know, we talk, we talk all the time. You know we're we're talking about it.

We're always talking and texting, we're communicating, we're sharing thoughts and ideas and feelings. But this is a little bit different. This is um foundational relationship hygiene. This is about do I understand that we have a dedicated time and place um in this relationship?

to bring up what needs to be brought up to check in about what's going on, to check in about our shared meaning building, and also a space where we've created the kind of energy where and what we'll talk about more specifically, the containment. So that it's safe to bring up something that might be uncomfortable, awkward, something that feels like it might derail. Yeah. One of the things that I like about the check-ins is the creation of the container, the the setting, um

So that everybody understands what's happening versus what I think everybody has experienced. And maybe I'm extrapolating, but from all the stories I've heard. All of a sudden something just gets dropped in out of nowhere, this problem or this issue, or um and and like I I was not ready. I was not in the context to handle that right now. If I were in the context, Completely different situation. Right. I could be ready, but

But I haven't prepared myself for this. And so how I usually put this is are you currently in a regular practice of like brushing the teeth of your relationship? Yeah. Or are you putting out fires? Yeah. And I like I am a big fan of playing with fire. Don't do it. In many, many ways. But When we when we rely on our fire putting out skills to hold us together, it also doesn't make space. for the the unseen, the unknown, the stuff that maybe isn't even a problem.

But deserves to be named in our relationship? a monthly practice of that word that's that's specifically just it's just generative, it's just connective. And that and that is not an aspirational one. That's one we do every month on purpose because it's a joy. It is connecting. Right. And it's Uh having that opportunity. It's an opportunity, not a okay, here we go. No, we're always like, where can we put this?'Cause I want to get to it. So it's on our calendar, and even so 嗯嗯 Yeah.

It gets shifted, it gets bumped for something that feels more urgent, right? Yeah. And that's really what I think we're we're here to talk about today is

What are we talking about? What is a relationship check-in in the context of this specific relationship, in this phase of our relating? What's its purpose? Because Often if if we don't know why we're doing something, then it doesn't get done. it loses its momentum. It just starts to feel like homework that somebody assigned to you and I am not at all interest i interested in

anyone performing relationship checkups because I said they're important. I think that's that's really fucking stupid. Please don't. But I am interested in people customizing a practice. of regular time to to deal with what needs to be dealt with in your relationship. And we have gone through periods where we've needed a relationship check-in every single day. And other periods where we can do monthly and it works perfectly fine.

And I I actually sometimes feel like when we're in a monthly place, which I would say we've been in um over the last few months, where we have one monthly check in for joy. And connection and a monthly check-in for like, okay, is there any heavy stuff? Is there anything awkward? Not that we're not talking all the time. We are. I think that speaks to the fact that

We're busy we're incredibly busy with our individual lives right now. Right. And so a lot of stuff I I can feel it, how it's just kind of like Going along. And all that would all that would be needed for the for all of us for both of us to or either of us to start needing weekly or bi-weekly or daily check-ins would be a change for For either of us.

Right. I like either of us could experience a change in who we're dating or a change in our work schedule, a change in our interior psychological life, uh a change in in our desires and wants around this relationship. Right a change in health, a change in seasons because all of a sudden it's spring here in Massachusetts. I got stuff I want to do outside. All of a sudden the tenor, the tone, the rhythm of the days change. There's something to talk about. There's something to notice.

Even though we're nesting partners and therefore have quite a lot of overlap. Yeah, we we need to make space for the fact that this isn't a set it and forget it thing. Right. Like we have to continually revisit. Now take that and apply that in a situation where You're not in the nesting partnership. Um, and now I have other questions. Cause when I when I'm not nesting with someone, I often feel a deep a bottom line requirement that I that my partner will show up to a regular check-in.

Precisely because we don't have the day to day. Yeah. Of life. Like we don't have that. We're not just gonna rub up against each other in in like the day to day of setting up our calendars or anything. We need To create a container where I feel like I matter, not just

because we're dating, but I matter in your life. Yeah. And the relationship check-in really does that for me. It starts to create like, oh, you care about this more than just getting turned on or more than just going to dinner. You care about How are we functioning? Are we growing? Are we changing? Is there something downshifting in this relationship? And the um we you've mentioned it a couple of times about the container and I think that is

It is an absolutely vital and necessary piece of any check-in to make sure you know everybody knows that's what's happening right now, and that's part of the container. Here we are. This is what we're gonna do now. And so um and it's not just creating the container. Now I know there's going to be a container so I can get myself ready to get in that container.

I can I can regulate, I can think what's been going on so that I can bring into it what's up for me and not just sort of stumble into it out of whatever I was just doing and um Yeah. So having the container is so important. And what you were saying about uh people who aren't nesting partners who like, oh, I I want to know that our connection matters and I want to maintain that connection. And there's another aspect of check-ins.

that is really important even and maybe even especially for people who are intimately close day after day, which is

Sure, what's going on for us? What's going on for you? What haven't you told me? You know, just just because it hasn't come up, because we interact about so many other things, having a space to say, oh, here's something that's up for me that I just haven't mentioned. I think that also brings us to like Shared purpose.

So if we're gonna talk about creating a container, I wanna use my tools. I wanna I wanna have something on the calendar. I wanna know how much time are we dedicating to this, right? Is it a daily ritual where we're gonna dedicate five, ten, fifteen minutes? Is it a bigger like checkup? We are like we're going to the doctors for the relationship. We're like this is gonna take a few hours. What is it? What are we looking to achieve here? I wanna use the the calendar.

to help me hold the space, but I also need to be clear with you about the shared purpose of like, are you in for this?'Cause like you said, it helps you like be prepared. And I I'm thinking back to times where even just last year when we were really going through it, we were in a time of some pretty significant dissolution and I would feel the impulse like, Oh, let's let's have a meeting about this, like, let's talk through something.

And you you weren't always in a good headspace for that. And that led to not just the disruption of like maybe I'm interrupting something you're already doing, but also Am I imposing that on you? Did it feel like did you get did you feel like you got to consent to like, okay, I'm in this and we're gonna work on this right? Is this us? Or in there or is it you and I'm like, okay, here I go. Yeah. And this also uh got into the issue of like being the relationship administrator. Mm-hmm.

Who's handling all of the Who's handling the the bookkeeping of the relationship? The the um keeping track of are we are we engaging in the growth opportunities of this particular dynamic? And often that falls to one person or another in any given dyad and in a in a polyamorous. Um, constellation, often it falls still. It's like one person will often carry more of the the onus of that. Sometimes the hinge person, because maybe they're relating to

every person in the dynamic, but not everybody else is. But it's not always that. Sometimes it's just the person who, um, the person with the most Virgo energy might hold that role. Um, or the person who's been a sa stage manager. For a lot of productions. Oh yeah. The person who holds the role as a CEO or they they're already running something, um, or the person who's parenting and already running all the show, like keeping all the balls in the air. Do they also just sort of?

They just Does this job just happen because they're they're used to being the one who has to initiate all of this kind of energy? And is everyone around them used to them initiating it? So nobody else even thinks to. Right. a different kind of check-in than I would hope. And we're still working on that. Like I am still working on making sure that I'm I'm initiating, I'm bringing my ideas and energy into um what should what do we need to check in on right now?

And versus waiting for you to say, Hey, I think it's time or oh, I see our relationship is is in need of some some some flossing.

Relational flossing. I So when we're setting up our container, it it's this is such a meta conversation, right? Mm-hmm. Because we're There is the larger framework of the relationship between you and I, and then how that gets impacted by the other relationships we have. And Our relationship check-in schedule needs to adjust based on the moving parts that we are and all our other people bring into the puzzle.

So we have to have a sort of well, I think of it as like a decision-making policy. Like um I'm I I've always been game for like, yep, if something's up in the relationship, you can always bring it up. But that doesn't mean it's always the time to talk about it. Sometimes we have to parking lot stop. Yep. Sometimes we have to create a Subcontainers to say, yeah, this isn't this isn't the moment. We're actually in one right now.

You and I. Yeah. Because on Saturday you had a big thing. You you had your judo promotion. Congratulations, by the way. Thank you. Um, and so on Sunday you needed recovery. And I offered to write an MVA for us, uh minimum viable agreement that would create a little container. And part of that container was We're not doing our regular check in this week. Right. We're not gonna do that. We're not gonna we're gonna parking lot anything that comes up that needs a check in or a big meeting. Right.

So that it can just be downtime, just be in the relationship, not working on the relationship. And I realize as we're saying this, we're about to head into another one. because we're gonna set one up for Friday. So this particular week we've got Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, which are my busiest days. And those are the only days when I'm also available and you're also available to have a check in.

Right. And now I'm thinking back to the times when, you know, we were rais actively raising seven kids under the age of sixteen and homeschooling and building businesses and It gets crazy. So I have so much compassion. For when you're like I can't. I can't I don't want something else on the schedule. I don't want And the the key thing about it isn't about forcing it where it doesn't fit. It's about being intentional and not dropping the idea just because things are too busy.

Right. Uh, which it's challenging. I'm not saying it's easy. We found often that the thing that caused the rub, and I see this in my students a lot, is a mismatch in what format we want. Mm-hmm. Um I um I am problem-oriented. So I will look for problems to solve, even where there aren't. You, my experience of you, anyways, is that you're oriented toward troubleshooting and toward optimizing, making things better, but you're not looking for problems.

They yeah, that is that's a d uh uh complementary ways that we approach So it's been interesting to try to find a way. to to meet those various needs. And that's why I think it's important that we don't just treat relationship check ins as a one size fits all, like just use this one, it works for everybody. Right. But to really get specific about what does this relationship need? Because When I think back to that time, when the kids were young and Everything in our life was chaotic.

The thing that worked best was our daily stand-up. We had a um you were working on an agile project at the time and we put that into our relationship and it was Scheduled. It was, it was 10 minutes or less every morning except Sunday mornings. Um, mostly because I just wanted to sleep and have sex on Sunday mornings. Yep. Which can be its own kind of check in. It sure can. But that provided me with a sense that hmm.

Even though I I rarely felt like all of my relational needs were being met. Like there was just never enough time to work on and talk about and get through all the things. And we were in active therapy together too, but But it did give me this touch point, this every single day where I saw you turn your focus and actively acknowledge what was yours to do. Because I was very much the relationship administrator in that phase. Oh one hundred percent you were. Um as the family administrator.

But you But then we set up these times that uh I was at least bringing in what I had and looking at you. Seeing where you And it wasn't my job to h uphold the timing because it was on your calendar. Right. And if we weren't in the same physical place, it was it was on your calendar. We could zoom it in, we could we could get on the phone, we could do something. that right now I'm like, oh, that would not, that would not scratch the itch at all for me in the phase we're in right now.

No, no. No, I can see I can see why. The I mean the the point of those kinds of the stand up meeting, the agile meeting, is to respond to these these rapid fire changes, which was absolutely an artifact of being in a family with seven kids, um, all under sixteen. And both of us trying to date and then needing to change the calendar a lot. So many changes and things are not that dynamic now. No. Um which means We I'm really glad. Hi five. We survive. Yes. Which means we can get deeper.

And this Yeah. And so the way we approach the check-ins that we have and the different kinds of meetings, they are they're not just working on the relationship. They are the relationship. They are A a very important part of it and what I said earlier about, so what's going on with you that uh I haven't heard about? Like that is absolutely the relationship. Could you say it again? Yeah.

So the check in for you, this is such a huge change and I'm so glad you're saying it. Because I experienced you as seeing the r the check-ins as homework for so many years. Um and I knew that you were game. But what I heard you just say is that you've made the mental shift to where Check ins. are the relationship. So you're seeing them. So Yeah, an internal framework is.

different. Because I'm approaching them as a, oh, this is an opportunity to deepen and expand our relationship by getting into things that I don't actually know about. But that that is to my mind, that's the whole point. We check in to say I mean, sometimes you bring in like you mentioned parking lots and you bring in a parking lot material. It's like, Well, I know this is up and so we'll talk about it. But

I don't know, some large percentage of the the work that we do is, um, what am I missing? What's going on? You know, tell me, tell me something I haven't heard. Uh and yeah, that just gets It allows me the opportunity to know things about you that I don't know, which to me is like, yay, that's that's it. I want to know more of you. So that helps me feel seen and pursued as well. I I hear a lot of people

um express the desire. Like one of their core desires is to feel pursued. And I mean, yeah, I want to feel sexually pursued, romantically pursued, but When I get right down to it, I want to feel intimately pursued. And what you're describing there is you pursuing an a knowledge of my interiority as a changing experience. As like and also a a willingness to not just accept, but to proactively believe that I am a growing, changing human. Who you wish to know? And I...

When you say that's the relationship I'm like, Yep, and that's why this relationship feels so good right now. And like I said, we were in a rough spot. Um Yeah. Well we i we've been just about a year out of the rough spot now. We're we're just Right yeah. Just Just about a full year out and but it was like eighteen months before that of Some really rough stuff. And this is one of the things that felt missing for me was a pursuit of Who are you?

Like I'm gonna assume that you're changing and growing and how are things changing for you? And when you do that, I mean That's how I feel loved. That's that's how I received the experience of like I am Which makes it easier to be available for deep sexual connection, makes it easier to play really intense kinky games with you. Because I feel known, it feels safer. So this is also about like generating that safer. Overall container.

It also decreases the the um the impact of small disconnect. Yeah. So w when we were you know, I eighteen months ago when we were in the the depth of when I was having trouble connecting, um, because I was having trouble connecting, small disconnects that didn't feel like much of anything. We're magnified by the context we're in and check ins can help keep that magnifying glass, you know, um

So that it doesn't make things quite so big. Yeah. And that's that's a really valuable thing that that that I consider to be the a piece of a successful And I'm grateful that we didn't stop with our practices, but we did, we did fall into a trap that we see pretty commonly, which is we we got overly focused on the problems. Because they were building and it felt like it was growing and it felt overwhelming and needed to rebalance that with

some attention to check-ins designed to amplify joy. And we learned that process from Dr. Nicole Thompson, the connection amplification practice. And we just immediately popped it into our our regular monthly schedule and even just that one monthly.

because I tend to be such a a problem and solution seeker, that was really helpful for me to feel like I was meeting you where you need to be to feel seen because it without a level of optimism and reflected joy, I can see the light go out in your eyes. And and I I don't want that for you. But But it's so different from how I experience things that I can forget. Right. So so we put we we agreed on this format. We were like, let's try it. We put it in. And what I noticed is it um

It results in what one of our uh a pair of our students call sparkly eyes. Yes. It results in sparkly eyes. Yeah. And Yeah, that I mean, I want that. And so that keeps me motivated to do that particular format of check-in that doesn't feel particularly like the the organized problem solver in me doesn't feel the payoff for it. So I have to know like, oh, the payoff is bigger than that. The payoff is knowing you and and being in relationship with you and your specific needs. I find that to be

helpful to just remind myself that the check ins, they they all serve different purposes and all I need to know is that it has a purpose. Yeah. And when I know that then So Okay,'cause sometimes it when it doesn't feel like it has a purpose then. Yeah, yeah. It just falls off the couch. And it won't land in inside the same way. Yeah. It it will just feel like you as you said, homework. Yeah. Rather than, oh, this is really connecting.

I think what we've established is that first off, everybody needs to customize their their check-ins, their relationship meetings to their unique circumstances and update.

So you gotta have the meta conversation. How are we going how are we checking in about our check ins? We gotta check in about how we check in and j so that we check in. Yeah. Yeah. It it really is this important though because I mean, if I don't do the hygiene, the daily hygiene, the weekly, the monthly, if I don't do that, what I see people do with check-ins is they're totally overwhelmed. Right. There's no. There's such a big backlog of stuff to talk about that you can't fit it in.

You and I talk about five or fifteen minute check ins. We we have a three relationship meetings menu. We have a fifteen, a forty five minute. and a ninety minute one. And the ninety minute ones can go much longer than that if you happen to have the tolerance for it and you can do several hours. Go for it. You know, everybody's different. But the 15 and the 45?

The vast majority of people who I've introduced to those formats are like, How? How? Every time we try it, it turns into this whole thing. Yeah. And it's because there's no regular practice, right? It's It like we're creating this puzzle for ourselves. And one of the things that I think brings that sense of, oh, this could never fit, is that if you don't have a picture in your mind of w the oh, it's fine, because anything we don't get to, we'll be in the next one and I can see it.

on the calendar in my mind, whatever. It's like, no, it's okay. I'm not just kicking the can blindly down the road. I know exactly where it's going to go. That helps a lot right when when'cause I mean I have gone into conversations with you, check-ins with you and been like, Wow, a lot has gone on and there's no way I'm gonna fit it all in here, but that's okay,'cause it there'll be another one right behind it. And also, you know, schedule them when you need them too.

Right. So we can have both a regular schedule and ad hoc. Right. Meetings. Absolutely. Like I don't think we should always kick the can down the street. I don't think we should just neglect the fact that the that the solarium is on fire. We should go put it out. Yeah. Um, but But do we agree on what the purpose of this particular meeting is? Right. And uh so we had we called that that very short.

um check-in that we had, that daily one that we used for years, a stand-up to remind us. It was a stand up. It was to show up, nobody sitting down. We're not getting comfy. We're not creating a whole ambiance. This is us connecting and saying, we really just had the core of How can I help you have a better day today? Yes. And and what do I need to know about this day? And that's all we were trying to cover. Like just super, super simple. And then we'd close with gratitude.

It was it was really, really quick, but because it happened every single day, we only needed to answer those questions. But often what would come up and I see this all the time, what comes up is Uh, I hate something in our relationship. I'm mis or I'm miserable with this aspect of my life. Yep. So we also need to have a larger place to put. Okay, where are we gonna put the fact?

Those eighteen months that I was talking about where we were in dissolution, a big part of what was wrong is our sex life had fallen apart. And our sex life was a foundational pillar pillar of our relationship from the get go. Like this wasn't just a side quest. This was No, it was a really big issue for us. And so when we would do brief check-ins, I that would come up in me.

And unless I knew that there was a place to put that as like, yeah, I'm gonna need to talk about it for an hour. I'm gonna need to br like I need to work through this. I would just get angry. So we need to know and agree on what these different relationship meetings are for, but but then I almost want to take the word meeting out of the whole thing anyways because that makes it sound like

It's not the relationship, and you just said it, I think you said it so well. What's a relationship check in? is relating. It is relating. Like what If we if we understand our check-ins to be that, then They ta like they they have an incredibly different tenor. Like I feel different about showing up to it. I I strongly, strongly recommend everybody come up with their own word for these things because for so many of us, the word meeting is something that somebody else planned and invited us to.

Yeah. That's not what this is. This is an active participatory. I'm I am I we're peers here, figuring this all out together. So if that word doesn't work, find one that does that reminds you of Oh, we're gonna go we're gonna go relate. We're gonna go grow our relationship and and make things better. Even when the time itself is like, well this Sucks. I am not enjoying this because that happens, but but I know that our shared purpose of this is to make everything better.

And so this l brings us to like so we need to have regular stuff on the calendar. Yep. We need to understand what the purpose of it is. And then I think we need to talk about what what context is this happening in. What's the

What is the space? So when you and I are struggling with something that we both know is going to take, well, an an unforeseeable number of conversations. Yeah. Yep. We need to be out. It doesn't matter whether it is 10 degrees out. We we need to go outside and walk because being side by side changes you. You have a different experience because you don't have to focus um eye contact quite the same way, which helps you relax.

Yeah. And it helps me because I will get into a a place where I just need to talk for a little bit. And because we're walking, I can hold your hand and let you know like I'm here. I'm with you, but I need I need to say all this and then I'm gonna be back in it with you and And by the way, don't be afraid to use all the technological tools that are available to us available to us right now, because yeah, as we're out talking, um, we'll record it. Oh absolutely.

And now we can record it and then get a transcript and get like distilled notes out of it. It does. Strongly recommend you make your own notes, but but the technology is there. Right. Use it if that's the way things go. I've been enjoying using that with you specifically because We are often talking about so many different domains of life. Right.

Right. We're not just talking about relationship. We're talking about this podcast. We're talking about um running my business. We're talking about your business. We're talking about dealing with our adult children, which is a completely different thing than dealing with them when they were kids and It's just, it's just helpful. Um, but I also love um honestly, I love recording our fight. Yeah. 'Cause it's a great opportunity for me to be like, Wow, girl, check yourself. and for me Calm down.

So fascinating to find out like Because uh so often in our fights I'll be like, I did I say that? Is that did I not say that? So I get to listen to it and find out what I didn't say that I thought I said. Right. So you you didn't say stuff and I self immolated. Yeah. Okay, great. It's that fun show. I say fights, but the thing is I think that's how a lot of us experience.

um the bigger relationship check-ins is they become a place where like, oh, well, are we working through something? Yeah. I mean, I I don't have any particular negative um association with the word fight. Right. Yeah. Yeah, we're we're fighting because we are we are not in agreement right now. We're not on opposite sides, but here we are in Conflict of some kind, um misalignment. If we if you want reframe that, like when we are trying to puzzle through something, what support do you need?

What support do we need? And we we found that it was really helpful if you either sit there with a notebook and take some notes as you go. Um or and it's also helpful for me to have a project in front of me because sometimes you need to stop. Sometimes you need to pause and say, hang on, I Takes me a while to gather my thoughts and to process. And you'll sit and write for a while and I need some knitting in my hands. to do.

to keep me busy so that I don't leave. I don't want to be on my phone. I don't want to be checked out. I'm not leaving you. I just need something to keep myself busy while you so that I don't just keep going and now I'm on another topic. And I've made seven connections, but you haven't had time to make the connections you need. So learning what works in each of your relationships is it takes time.

And then... And then distilling that into a format that you can repeat. That's the last thing I wanted to to say is just coming up with some questions that work well. in a particular relationship. Like the the phrase just works well. Like there's a question that I have been asked by other people that I didn't it didn't used to land with me with you. Um, the question of like, how do you want to be seen? How how can I make you feel seen? Wow.

Um, it just felt flat. I don't know why, but you would say it and I'm like, I don't, I don't really get it. But I the first time um a girlfriend asked me that question, I was like, oh, somehow it like clicked. And now we use that question too and I feel it. I feel how you're asking me some you're asking me to reveal more of myself and also to help you. You're asking me to s to help you.

Know me how do I want to And some of it it comes about those those kinds of changes like you just described happen because of a consistent pattern of me doing things. that do land for you as being seen. Like saying, Hey, what I what don't I know about you? I ask you not the open ended question, but the the specific questions that let you trust that, oh, I actually do want to know.

who you are. And I want to see parts of you that I haven't seen. And so when I say, how do you want to be seen, you can know that whatever you have will be received. Because there is the the likelihood of a filter saying, oh, what will be acceptable? Yeah. And and that that can push back. And so all of these things can come out in when you have frequent check-ins like this.

I I I want to encourage everyone to make this process as customized as possible. I want you to think about the both the length of time that you can devote and the cadence of connection that you need in this particular relationship at this time. And then also think about what format because I so you and I haven't used this a ton, but I have multiple students who've found that they they do best sending each other an email first. Mm-hmm.

Because they need they both need to really get a lot of thoughts really written out. Um, and you often will come to me with something you've written as a starting point. So that you're you're like, I here's here's like the wholeness of it, and I can observe you in that. So getting creative with how you do this with the one caveat that if all of your text uh if all of your check-ins are always just texts or saying like, Well, we're texting all day.

There's probably stuff being missed because we we cannot read the a text the same way. We can't convey as much information. That's a good point. And also texts can punch it through at any moment, right? Like a text shows up and I you don't know what context I'm in. I don't know what context you're in. We can't necessarily follow up. And I I can't overstate the importance of context. And setting for uh and the container for these for these check-ins.

Yeah. Making sure that if all of your of if all of your check ins are are by are via short blurbs of text over the texting medium. When things get difficult, that won't work anymore. I've never seen a case where that consistently works. And so I want to build in a regular practice that can hold the good times and the rough times and create resilience.

Um this is even more important if we're if we are either not practiced at relational communication or if we aren't um in a situation where we have a lot of time to overlap. We really need to get clear that Twenty seven hundred texts in a day does not a connective meeting. Make. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for digging into this unglamorous topic with me. I appreciate that. It is unglamorous but s but it's architectural. It's like supportive beams in the

Yeah, when people say they want to work on their intimacy, I'm like, Great, you want to talk about relationship check-ins? You know, nobody Wanted the glamorous intimacy. And we can have that too. And um, I guess so we'll throw in here, hey, have meetings about sex, have meetings about emotional intimacy, have meetings about like we can also have some. Yeah. Oriented, right? There's so many ways to do this. The question is get clear on what you're doing. Agree to

ago, I gotta be real with you, I made an absolutely huge shift in my life. I ripped the ground out from underneath everything I knew. And then for several years I made every possible mistake I could. Shifting from monogamy to non monogamy without any idea what I was doing, it didn't just feel dangerous, it was dangerous. I don't actually regret that though, because what I went through became the curriculum that I teach now.

We co created the year of opening out of this curriculum because we wanted to help people have not just the curriculum, but a community. We wanted to provide people the help that we didn't have. Yeah. So the year of opening is our answer to making all the mistakes. You're still gonna make some, but you can do it with support, with mentorship, with people around you who get it and who are decentering monogamy without demonizing it.