HSP: Healing After Being Ghosted with Rachel Dorneanu LPC

Rachel works with individuals and couples and specializes in anxiety , boundaries , hsps or highly sensitive persons , perfectionism , premarital counseling and sex therapy . Rachel , welcome to Coping with Ghosting . Thank you for having me . I'm excited to be here .

I'm so happy that you reached out to me to be on the show because I think there's such a huge connection between people who are listening to this podcast , who have been ghosted and highly sensitive people Absolutely .

Other people don't affect me as profoundly as they once did , but really this includes everything from general relationship anxiety to the sound of loud music , and even footsteps Sounds familiar .

Yeah , so what does it mean to be a highly sensitive person , or HSP , and how can listeners know if they are a highly sensitive person , especially when it comes to how they handle being ghosted in friendship , family , business , love or any other type of relationship ?

So keeping that in mind is also not a disorder . It is not a diagnosis is also not a disorder . It is not a diagnosis . It is purely a personality trait that you just happen to have and gain , and I'm obsessed with it , and keep in mind that it's not a negative thing .

It can have its difficulties , just like everything else in life of personality traits , but there's also some really solid strengths in there as well , and so it affects about 20% of the world . So if you're in that lucky 20% , welcome to the club . So I was looking at Dr Elaine Aron . She is the person that coined this term .

I believe don't quote me , but I believe in the 80s-ish . Her website is hspersoncom and I am obsessed with her . I have taken her training . There's tons , tons , I tell you , of self-test and books and resources and connecting you to other HSP therapists . There's a directory .

I could go on and on , but I'll make sure that that's in the show notes so that you can include that and link to that . If you want to take the quiz , it's a free quiz . Why would you not ? And especially if you want to take the quiz , it's a free quiz , why would you not ?

And especially if you want to have maybe a partner take it or a family member take it , please do it because it's super fun . So long , long way of mentioning that , there's the quiz , maybe 30 ish statements , and so you can go through and figure out which ones stick out for you , Like I know for me . You mentioned the loud noises , loud music .

If I hear an alarm , if I hear maybe like a chaotic scene when I was in college , like maybe hearing like a bar fight or something really threw me off , I would feel overstimulated . So it could be that . Or you could be particularly sensitive to the effects of caffeine .

Like I had too much caffeine today , so I am like bouncing off the walls over here , but it's something I'm aware of . I knew I needed to be hyped up for this podcast . There's other things sometimes feeling frazzled , having high empathy startled easily , really conscientious . You really know what's going on for somebody . It's not just like empathy , is that you ?

It's like you know I don't know how else to explain that but if you're an HSP , you get it Trying to avoid making mistakes . So to explain that , but if you're an HSP , you get it Trying to avoid making mistakes . So those fellow perfectionists out there , there's strong tie .

But I mean gosh , there's 30 something statements to look at and there's tons of people that have tons of information in books . So if that helps to explain HSP a bit , there's that .

So , with that said , is that if you have been ghosted and you're an HSP , that you may have extra processing going on of every single little detail of what happened for you and what happened for the other person because you have high empathy . It could be overstimulation from how you were ghosted .

Perhaps it was happening in a certain way through text or a voicemail or an email or whatever it might be and it's just really throwing you off .

It could be the subtle sensing of like maybe seeing a blanket or a jacket that they left and you're just like really heightened and sensitive and aware of those little things and they stick out like sore thumbs for you .

There's a lot of different things that could stick out , but I think the biggest thing is probably the empathy of you could be reading in too much into text or you reaching out often because you care , because you care so much to text . Are you reaching out often because you care Because you care so much ?

Hsps have usually really huge hearts and trying to care for this person that has ghosted them is difficult because they tend to want to fix or please , or fawn or anything like that , and we can't always fix everything , so that gets difficult as well .

If you think of flee , I think of like a cute little gazelle like running for their life . They are fleeing from the lion . If you're freezing , think of a possum , they're just going to play it . They're going to kind of tap out . They're not in that headspace anymore . And if they're fawning I don't know of an animal besides like a cute little deer fawn .

But with fawning you're going to try and take care of the other person . Their emotions make sure that they're okay , so that if they're okay , you're okay . And so HSPs unfortunately we're really good at that .

We know how to have that empathy and pick up on that and know how to take care of that person , because we know every detail of them and what buttons to push or not to push .

. I think it's really helpful to hear , and so many people that I coach have so much empathy . I hear my clients say the person who ghosted me has had the hardest life . They were abused , they grew up in a war , they endured the unimaginable and I'm the only person in their life and I want to help them and I want them to come back to me .

What advice do you have for someone who feels this way ?

Your emotions are okay , but keep in mind that your actions don't have to match up with your emotions . So , with that , that's where I say that boundaries are needed and knowing that you deserve respect as well and the way that you were ghosted is not fair to you , no-transcript .

But it's not fair for you to , in the most caring way possible , be a doormat of where people can walk all over you . That's not fair to you and you taking care of yourself and having self-love and a better relationship with yourself .

So in that case , I would say keep in mind therapists can't give advice , but to the listener out there that you got to take care of yourself . You need to have self-care , figure out the boundaries that are for yourself and for others .

So boundaries for yourself could be making sure that you maybe I don't know have an acute bedtime routine or that you'll only have an hour of TV a night or you'll budget your money instead of going out to the club or something .

Right that there's options , but then boundaries for others is being able to notice who might cause you more trauma , might cause you more harm than good . Noticing toxic traits and being able to be like you know what . That's not worth it for me . Or being able to limit communication or block somebody if they're not a good fit for your life .

So if there was a picture of us together , I had to hide it or delete it from my phone . And also setting rules like okay , so if this person cannot communicate with me , I don't want them in my life . I'm sorry that they had this traumatic childhood , but it's not my responsibility to solve their problems .

I am choosing to focus on myself at this time and the way they're treating me with such disrespect and such cruelty , the fact that they ghosted me . I do not tolerate that type of behavior . I do not allow that in my life , and so I wish them the best . They're in my thoughts .

I'm sending them peace , but I am not going to take on somebody else's problems . This is where codependency comes into play . Do hypersensitive people tend to be more codependent ?

For any Swifties out there , like maybe Taylor Swift just like really gets you to your core right , that maybe that's something that that's helpful for you . And then , in terms of detail oriented , that can be super helpful for work , school , your home , keeping things organized . You may be really really good at that , which is great . You're really conscientious .

You're able to be aware of other people , not just empathy , but you know like there's a mention on the quiz that you'll have a link to but you're able to notice if the lighting needs to be changed in a room . You're able to notice if a chair needs to be moved , if someone looks uncomfortable in a hard chair and you can offer them a cushy seat .

If you notice that someone's like kind of leaning towards the speaker or away from the speaker , that you can change the volume of the music . It's wild how much we notice and how positive or negative . Our brain doesn't really turn off that . We're able to notice every little detail and make sure that people are taken care of .

If anything like we're going evolution wise , we killed it . We did so good of taking care of our people and making sure that everyone's fed and that everything's comfortable , knowing that everyone's accounted for y'all . We killed it . So just think of all those skills that , evolution-wise , we brought all the way forward to what 2023 .

And I'd say we're doing pretty dang good . But also in terms of self-awareness , for awareness of ourselves , awareness of others . We may notice the tiniest little things of ourselves , so we may notice if a hair's out of place , we'll notice if a wrinkle in the shirt has occurred , when other people may not even think about that .

It's a passing glance for them , but for us , we may just hyper fixate and be like , oh okay , that's off , that's off , this looks good . This doesn't look good . It could be appearance , it could be the way that we have our mannerisms . We're hyper aware of all those things . That can be great .

I mean , my brain goes to an interview If you're aware of your background . I mean I'm on a podcast right now .

So being able to have a solid background , that my I look somewhat put together and that I'm presenting myself well , being articulate in my , in my speech and having pauses , all those things , whether it's a podcast interview , an interview for work , those things are all going to help you because you're going to be fantastic in them .

At a five-star five-diamond spa , Lots of celebrities were always coming into our spa and one thing that I always had to do was write down the details that I noticed about these people , because when they came back to the spa , we would always like to surprise and delight them .

So , for example , if somebody just said , oh , I really love cupcakes , I would write that down and then the next time they came back , I'd have their favorite cupcake waiting for them . So just to go above and beyond with the little details , little mentions being an HSP , it's a superpower as well .

I've had a similar experience before at something called Serenbe in Georgia , like they just noticed the tiniest little things that make sure that you were pampered and it makes you feel good . It's like , oh , someone else noticed . So , as an HSP being catered to in that way , it's like , oh , my gosh for granted , you told me if you feel differently .

But being able to say someone else noticed , someone else gets that , that's something that makes me happy . Someone remembered took the time out of their busy day to think of me , because my brain is constantly thinking of everybody else . That , ooh , that warms my heart .

And I'm going to go above and beyond , because I really do value my friendships and all the relationships I'm in , value my friendships and all the relationships I'm in . I've had a lot of long lasting friendships .

My childhood best friend and I have been best friends since we've been two years old and the fact that there are people that come into my life and ghost me , that's why it's so shocking to me . It's because I've had all these like really strong , incredible relationships and yet there is a select group of people that do it .

For me as a very sensitive person , it's incredibly painful , and so in the past , when it was you know , when it first happened I took it extremely personally , and I'd love for you to explain to listeners how they cannot take ghosting so personally , because it's not personal when people ghost .

Dbt is dialectical behavior therapy , of where you're able to notice being in emotion mind and logic mind and find a blend that's healthy for you , called wise mind .

And then there's ACT , which is acceptance and commitment therapy and it's finding a way to accept the things that have happened to you , that they're not necessarily in your control , because most of life is not in your control , which sucks , but something to be aware of and find ways to be kind to yourself and the situation and the person and be able to move

forward . So that was your little therapyone for the day . But with that said , is that with CBT it's noticing a thought of , let's say oh , sally , I can't believe that Sally ghosted me and treated me with such disrespect , and I can't believe that she would do such a thing . I'm a horrible person . There's something that I did wrong , right ?

I have no doubt that we've . Anyone that's been ghosted ever has probably had something along those lines of that thought . And then from there you'd be like you know what . That's not really the nicest thinking I can think of for myself , so let me find a way to reframe it so , instead of it being you know , this truly horrible thing about yourself that it's .

I'm aware that Sally made a choice that was not helpful towards me . I know that it's something that she chose to do . I need to respect her decision of how she did things , even if it's not something that I would do .

However , I know that I can take care of myself and notice the traits of her or her actions that I don't want to have repeated in my future relationship or friendship and move forward and make sure I do some self-care . So something along those lines .

And I'm not saying that's the perfect reframe there is no perfect world of how to do things but if that would be helpful for you , there's a reframe With DBT

. If we're stuck in emotion mind , we're going to feel our emotions really intensely , big reactions , it can be really intense . And then if we're in logic mind , it's very black and white , very logic , fact-based and typically from .

My observation is that HSPs tend to really hang out in the emotion mind because we have that high empathy and that high self-awareness . So from there we want to make sure that we validate our feelings of I'm aware that I'm upset about this . However , revenge is not going to be helpful .

So kind of scale back those reactions and things and be able to validate your emotions and then in logic mind of , there is no point of me reaching out to this person because they don't deserve my time and energy . At this point They've hurt me . I need to move forward .

There's a way to have that wise mind and then with ACT , the acceptance and commitment therapy , that we need to find a way to accept what happened . And so there's gosh . I could go into a whole episode , but there's two acronyms of fear and dare and act . There's a lot of acronyms with all of these Greta .

I don't know why therapists are so excited with acronyms that we should stop . Fear is F , e , a , r . So it's fusion , the stuff that your mind tells you that gets in the way when you get caught up in it . E is excessive goals . Your goal is too big or you lack the skills , time , money , health or other resources .

The A is avoidance of discomfort , the unwillingness to make room for the discomfort that the challenge brings , and the R is remoteness from your values , so losing touch with or forgetting what's important or meaningful about this . So there's fear , and then dare is basically like the antidote .

The way to combat fear , the things that are to me most helpful is some of the diffusion strategies , ways to detach our brain from this giant mammoth of a situation so you could thank your mind like thanks brain .

I am aware that this was a hurtful situation , however , it's not about me or you could kind of like letting the thoughts come and go like passing cars .

You can either choose , like when you're watching a highway , you either choose to let the thoughts come and go like the passing , whizzing cars going down the highway , or you could choose to grab onto the back of a pickup truck and be dragged through the mud . So it's up to you .

For me , I'd much rather just let the thought come and go of , like passing cars , that instead of it being Sally's a horrible person that you just be like okay , I'm aware that it's just that thought that occurred , rather than oh my gosh , I need a harp that she's this horrible person and that it's so hurtful and that she did this thing to me and we spiral .

That's not going to help anybody . Spiraling doesn't help anybody , so I hope that it helps to break it down a bit like that with CBT and DBT and ACT .

And then I have to remind myself that I am whole , worthy and complete and that my thoughts are not facts and that these are just fleeting and this too shall pass , and , to honor my feelings , maybe cry through it . But again , I love what you said . I'm not going to grab onto the thought and be dragged through the mud on the highway with it .

I'm just going to say , okay , I'm , I'm bigger than this thought , and I see that this is a thought and then self soothe around that thought .

In recent Coping with Ghosting episodes I have talked a lot about abusive and toxic relationships and ghosting and ghosts can sometimes exhibit dark triad personality traits like narcissism , machiavellianism and psychopathy . Hypersensitive people may be likely to tune out of their emotions and tune into the ghost's emotions .

So how can somebody turn back inward and honor their senses ?

So it will take time for you to slowly tune back into yourself , to learn to set those boundaries , to notice gaslighting any other behaviors that they are really , really good at , because they've had years of experience perfecting them and manipulating people .

In terms of getting self-awareness of your own emotions and your own actions , just your sensations in your body , and that kind of thing . I'd encourage you to be really intentional with your time in terms of your alone time , in terms of your self-care time .

So for some people that could be doing like the 5 , 4 , 3 , 2 , 1 exercise with your senses , can we do it now ? For people , yeah , let's do it . Okay , you're my example therapy client . I need you to find five things that you can see Okay , got it Okay . Four things that you can hear .

If you're feeling , if you're stimulated , if you're feeling like things are a little bit too intense , if you're having trouble noticing what's going on for you compared to what's going on for somebody else , you are in full control of what you can observe . You can do it out loud , you can do it silently , like Greta did , it's completely up to you .

But being able to slow it down think of what I'm experiencing that's so , so worth it .

And that's probably one of the best ways to start is noticing your bits , your experiences , first , and that we slowly work towards noticing the physical sensations that happen when an event occurs , and then those physical sensations are tied to the emotions and the emotions tied to our reactions and our behaviors and our actions .

So , slowly noticing those things in terms of like climbing up a very cute emotion mountain- I love it .

So the window of tolerance is where you're able to be grounded . You're present , adaptable , engaged , open , curious , all somewhat normal , quote , unquote , healthy things . That is the window of tolerance . You want to be there . There's something called hyper arousal that is above the window of tolerance . You want to be there .

There's something called hyper arousal that is above the window of tolerance . So that can be when you are anxious , you're in fight or flight , like we talked about earlier in terms of like trauma response . Right , you could be irritable , aggressive , impulsive . Trouble with sleep and digestion is hyper aroused .

And then there's hypo arousal , which is below the window of tolerance , and so that can be when you're withdrawn , isolated , feeling kind of depressed , feeling down . Again , trouble with sleep and digestion is the freeze response , if that rings a bell . We talked about the fight , flight , freeze spawn earlier in the episode .

So keep in mind you do not want to be in hyper arousal or hypo arousal . Now , life is going to happen , you'll hit those moments . We're not going to have this really perfect Truman show kind of life . If we did , it wouldn't be life , It'd be a TV show . So keep that in mind .

But keeping in mind , with the window of tolerance , you can still have highs and lows . That's a very normal human thing to have . But if things start to creep up and become really intensive , like up and down and up and down and jagging , like a rollercoaster , that's when things are a little bit unbalanced .

So if it's really jagged and intense , that's more of like an unbalanced nervous system response . If it's really jagged and intense , that's more of like an unbalanced nervous system response . If it's more of like a we ride the wave of something being a little bit more intense or something a little bit more like that hypo arousal , super normal .

Just ride the wave and get through it , whether it's a situation in emotion , that kind of thing . So , keeping in mind window of tolerance , I'm obsessed . But the thing you want to do is , if you have a moment of being in hyper arousal , you got to find a way to calm it down .

So 5 , 4 , 3 , 2 , 1 , a lovely way to calm your system , like we just talked about . Or doing some yoga , doing some deep breathing , something to calm your nervous system . If you're in hypo arousal , you want to find a way to kind of boost yourself up into the window .

So that could be going for a brisk walk , doing some jumping jacks , listening to some I don't know fun music , dancing around your kitchen , maybe smelling some like really nice peppermint or eucalyptus essential oils , and they'll just like help to wake you up and boost you out of it , getting some fresh air . All sorts of fun ideas there .

Make sure we're not relying on substances , so like coffee is not a way to boost you out of hypo arousal . So keep that in mind . But that's kind of the window of tolerance .

different emotions , different situations , questioning yourself , questioning them . There's a lot to think and talk about . So , whether it's therapy , coaching , whatever it might be , make sure that you're talking to somebody about it , a loved one . If it helps to journal , to process it and get it out of your head , I'm a big fan of that .

There's something important of being able to get it out of your head on paper , physically , writing it , compared to just typing it or doing a voice memo on your phone . Make sure you're actually able to process it that way .

Make sure you have a lot of self-care affirmations and , from there , keeping in mind any of the things that have occurred , that you notice them with loving , kindness and making sure that you can notice the traits of the person , the situation that occurred , not to hyper , fixate and spiral , but to be able to notice them and be kind to yourself of next person

that you meet , whether it's a friend , extended loved one , relationship with a partner , whomever it might be that , hey , I noticed those things in someone in the past . Is this going to be a helpful or hurtful situation for me ?

You can just do a quick search on that for Instagram , LinkedIn , Facebook , YouTube , all the fun things I also this is in no way shape or form trying to be braggy , I promise that's not where it's coming from .

I have an Amazon storefront that has hundreds of resources and journals and books and things based on category , based on things that I've read or my team has read and approved , that are actually therapeutic . It's not just some random book that I picked for funsies . So if you need to find any helpful resources , they're all on the Amazon storefront .

You didn't choose or ask to be ghosted , but you're choosing your healing , and that is what is so important , Focusing on what you can do for yourself to feel better . Now . That's what really counts . And sure , maybe you don't have all the answers or know what the next best step is , but you can practice leaning into the uncertainty .

And if you do happen to have questions or want additional support , know that there's a lot of resources on copingwithghostingcom .

You can also join my free and private Facebook group where you can post any question you have about your situation , either with your name or anonymously , and there's a lot of wonderful people in there who have been ghosted as well , and I just I love this community . It's such a great one .

So definitely just search up coping with ghosting on Facebook and you'll find it , and I'll put a link to that in the show notes as well . When I was ghosted in high school by a friend , the pain was so intense that I thought it would last forever . I wasn't okay , but I did survive and I went on to foster new and healthy relationships with amazing people .

And then , when I was ghosted a few years ago by another friend , I had a completely different perspective because I knew that , even though it felt heavy and immobilizing and like torture at sometimes like my heart had been ripped out , I knew that I could get through it .

I was confident that I could survive the emotional roller coaster , despite not having any answers you know I never received an apology and you can and will get through this one day at a time . And if you haven't already done so , I encourage you to rewind and go through the grounding exercise that Rachel walked me through during the interview .

Building up your coping with ghosting tool set with exercises like this and doing the work will pay off . And if you've listened to a lot of episodes , you know that I'm all about healthy living and I believe that bouncing back from extreme challenges like being ghosted is a holistic process .

What I mean by that is yes , it's wonderful to go seek the support of a therapist or sign up for a coaching session with me , and it's also important to take care of your body and treat it really well . So going to the gym , taking a nature walk , eating clean foods all of those things can also make a huge difference in your mood and overall well-being .

For example , since I am so sensitive , I can't drink coffee anymore because it makes me feel anxious and jittery .

I stopped drinking coffee , really just to honor my body , and I recently discovered Magic Mind , which is a matcha drink that increases my mental energy and focus without the jitters , and I noticed a really big difference in my energy levels when I drank it for three days straight .

I did become more productive , and not only does Magic Mind keep me alert for longer periods of time , but it also fights stress with good for you ingredients , for example matcha .

Matcha contains way less caffeine than coffee and also contains additional compounds called catechins that extend the benefits of caffeine by slowing your body's ability to absorb it , as well as a compound called L-theanine , which reduces stress , and these compounds work together to prevent the spike in cortisol levels and the inevitable crash that come from ingesting too much

caffeine . Matcha is basically nature's extended release version of caffeine , and it also has ashwagandha , which is an adaptogen that reduces stress and anxiety . I feel way better in the mornings and I'm happier throughout the day thanks to the adaptogens that boost my mood and help me relax .

If you are like me and want to find a way to increase your focus and energy , I recommend you try it . You can get it at wwwmagicmindcom slash ghosting . Use promo code ghosting20 . That's all caps G-H-O-S-T-I-N-G . Two zero , all one word , and you'll get 20% off your one-time purchase .

Or , if you order in the next 10 days , you could also get up to 56% off your first subscription . Again , that's ghosting 20 for 56% off . It also works if you're already a subscriber . You save on your next subscription payment . Magic Mind also has a money back guarantee , no questions asked . So if you don't like it , they refund in three to four hours .

So if you're having any trouble being at a hundred percent which I mean who isn't after being ghosted I encourage you to try it out . Wwwmagicmindcom slash ghosting with discount code ghosting 20 for up to 56% off the subscription , and only this January . Magic mind will help you gear up to crush your 2024 New Year's resolutions fully focused .

You get one month for free when you're subscribing for three months at magicmindcom slash Jan ghosting , and with my code ghosting 20 , it's an extra 20% off , which gets you 75% off , and this only lasts until the end of January , so hurry up before it goes away . I'll put all the details in the show notes and please know that you're in my heart .

I'm sending you so much peace as you heal , and , if you haven't already , remember to follow me at coping with ghosting on Instagram , instagram , tiktok , facebook and leave a review for this podcast if you haven't already . And as always , listeners , be sure to remember .

When you are ghosted , you have more time to connect with yourself and people who have stellar communication skills . You deserve the best .